Episode 2 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

This programme contains strong language.

Hello I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme

all about things that are happening. Things like this. Former Israeli PM

Ariel Sharon finally left the coma he'd been controversially occupying

since 2006. There's been outrage in France a Frenchmen's been accused of

having an affair. He's also rumoured to enjoy soft cheese and shrugging.

Sky News reveals ?250,000 has been spent on weirdly looking portraits.

Hanging is too good for them. But we start with television. I don't know

if you have seen it, but Channel 4 has launched a British remake of The

Wire. Benefits Street is a fly on the wall documentary. It's brought

to you by the letters DSS. Benefits Street is a fly-on-the-wall

documentary series, it's a bit like Sesame Street but brought to you by

the letters DWP. It follows some of the residents on an apparently

notorious Birmingham street, where, we're told, most of the residents

are on benefits. As well as impoverished single mums, it also

depicts petty criminals on the rob. On the one hand it's a gritty

slice-of-life expose, but it's also packaged with a knowing nod and

wink. And it's so full of larger than life characters, it almost

feels like a sitcom. A bit like Friends, with benefits. Usually when

people on the breadline are exploited for entertainment it's

done unsubtly on grubby bellowing chambers like the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Whereas Benefits Street is presented more like a safari park tour through

poor people's natural environments. It's even packaged a bit like a

nature show, complete with sweeping shots of the landscape so you could

see what benefits look like from a balloon. There's also footage of the

loveable offspring gambolling in the wild, sequences in which predators

scavenge for scraps, and the violent majesty of Darwinian survival. Some

have complained the programme depicts lazy neer-do-wells living

the high life sponging off the state, and to be fair the level of

luxury they're enjoying is outrageous. I mean, just look most

of them have got shoes. The sense of entitlement is amazing, they use

oxygen without even paying for it,they just inhale and convert into

carbon dioxide, selfishly leaving less for the tax payer. They've even

got sticks and bits of old fan. I haven't got sticks and bits of old

fan; why should they? And they're so lazy, they sit around on their

arses, contributing nothing of value to society, boozing themselves

stupid and stuffing their faces with cheap junk food. Wouldn't catch me

doing that. Oh, I'm nearly out of artisan crisps. Society likes to let

off steam by having a set of sanctioned hate figures it's OK to

openly deride, a list that changes with the times, and currently,

benefits claimants are on it. Under this blackboard with sanctioned hate

fires, Channel 4 says Benefits Street is about community spirit in

adverse circumstances, but the problem is it's not called

'Community Spirit in Adverse Circumstances', it's called Benefits

Street, a button-pushing title attached to a programme with more

buttons than a shirt factory. They might as well have called it The

Great British Skive-Off or Layabout Way. To wear my earnest hat for a

moment I actually thought Benefit Street was broadly sympathetic to

it's participants, although being a TV show it also inevitably boiled

their lives down to eye-catching 'highlights' and outrageous

soundbytes. But thanks to that title, and the ingrained assumptions

of some viewers, on both sides of the political divide, it also caused

and the sort of noisy publicity-stoking press reaction

that must've had Channel 4 in dismay. The debate came alive on a

feisty edition of Newsnight as a man from Channel 4 had to defend himself

against accusations of being a poverty porn baron.

Are you comfortable with being a porn baron? I'm deeply uncomfortable

with that statement. That's true, Benefits Street isn't porn. I mean

what's pornographic about seeing six sweaty men crammed into one filthy

hole. There's not even any money shots. Well they haven't got any

money. The ideological lines were drawn: representing the unimpressed

left, pious newborn Owen Jones, who said Benefit Street was a damaging

distortion of society's most vulnerable.

Isn't that patronising? Of course it's not. You miss a turn. No sorry

that's far too patronising. Owen you lose ten points and miss a turn.

Amongst the unsympathetic reactees, opinion-pissing human clickbait

Katie 'Thatcher' Hopkins popped up on This Week to hector the work shy.

I don't care if it's raining, get out of bed and get a job.

Fair enough, I'll have yours. What the lock is it again? The show's

producers, aware of how much crap Hopkins spouts, cannily positioned

her in a toilet so she could at least mop up after herself. Or any

street. Don't sponge edge off the system, if

you can get a job, get one, even if it's one you don't want to do. We

do. Quite right, they're scared of doing the kind of tough minimum wage

job you're pretending to do here. Hardnut Hopkins disapproves of

ignorant scumbags living off money and handouts siphoned from

hardworking folk, which is why she refused to accept her BBC appearance

fee, possibly. And she used it as a springboard to call for further

cuts. There was a fascinating insight into

people who have next to nothing so you could you couldn't think

anything about them. They were different benefits that they weren't

entitled to because they were poor. Unemployed. Normally when you see

poor people, it's hard to judge them because you feel empoo dhi and

think, I hope humankind does something to help them. This was

clever because it stopped you feeling like that. I felt sort of

pity for the people in it. But when I went on Twitter, everyone was

angry with them, so I thought, oh, I've got it wrong. Better join in

with that. So then I wrote these Tweet things about how they were

scum and I hoped the Government shoots them and stands over their

bodies pumping bullet after bullet into their benefit scummy bodies and

I got 20 new followers for that so it was a good programme, yes. People

say there's no community any more, but watching that interesting show

and joining in with everyone hating them together on the Internet

outdoing each other was amazing, expressing yourself so much to hate

someone. I never felt so much of a part of a big group with all this

anger. It made me feel ie r alye. Can't wait until next week's

episode. Gameshows! And BBC One locates a

clever way of stretching 45 seconds of action into 45 minutes of

entertainment with Reflex, a gameshow which should've been called

Every Second Counts but can't because Paul Daniels bagsied that

some time ago. It's a programme with Shane Richie in which every second

seems to last an eternity. Or in other words, it's a programme with

Shane Richie. Standing in the middle of the movie Tron, Shane and some

plucky members of the public compete in a series of high-speed physical

trials filmed with state-of-the-art slowmo cameras, which are then

replayed using every sodding FX filter they could find in

post-production. The tasks they have to do may look unspectacular, but

when they slow them down by a factor of 1,000, they're boring too.

Tragically even when you fast-forward it, you can't tell

you've fast forwarded it. The whole thing culminates in a stunning

finale in which a man in a crash helmet tries to avoid some

basketballs, slowly. America's got a fearsome reputation

for violence doesn't it, yes it does. But is it well deserved? Well

one person who thinks it isn't is US comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope.

I'm Doug Stanhope and this's why I drink. America has a reputation from

violence that we don't live up to in real life. There is a lot of gun

violence and some of that's necessary. Guns are the great

equaliser. They level the playing field against ass holes. You can be

the biggest bad ass bike, MMA, street fighter guy in the world,

they put you in a cage with any honey-boo-boo with a shotgun with

Las Vegas are going to alter drastically. America promotes

violence, we make violent movies, exploit the out out of violent news

stories. This is the coverage of the deadly rampage. When it comes to

day-to-day street violence, it's mostly all crap talk, chest-bumping,

everyone waiting for the bouncer to come and break it up. As opposed to,

in the UK, the most violent people I've ever seen in my life was on any

given Tuesday night when the pubs close, it's like USC in the street,

you don't know which corner to look at, people beat the out of each

other for no particular reason. It's like "don't look at my girl...

"where are you from? ! "Across the street". "There's only one side of

this street! ". I was in Manchester where I saw a poster, a public

service announcement poster on a men's room wall, something to the

effect of "don't beat up ambulance drivers". ". I don't remember the

specific text but that was the gist of it because evidently that's a

thing over there. I think the difference is, in the

United States, we don't have free universal health care and we do have

guns. That makes you think twice before you take a swing at a guy

over a pool game. I Juan that that hit that guy but even if I chip a

tooth, that's like 1500 bucks to get fixed. I can't get paid for that.

Over there, you have free health care and no guns, so take the risk

of beat each other's heads in. Worst case scenario, the state picks up

the tab to fix it. For the last few years Winter in

Britain's been all about been snow, snow, snow. But this year's shock

January weather has been a different kind of snow: warm snow, or what

scientists call rain. Yes, recently Britain's fluid intake went through

the roof, and much of the country was transformed into a sort of shit

rip off of Venice. The problem was water: specifically too much of it,

coming from overhead. Experts quickly traced the source of the

leak to an immense hole above us known as the sky. And the bad

weather had been going on for some time. As the news pointed out, the

country had just experienced its wettest December since 1993, as had

your mum, and according to ITN this deluge was caused by something

called the quasi biennial oscillation. And one look out the

window confirmed it was indeed quasi-biennially oscillating it

down. Anyway, in a bid to highlight just how shitty the current climate

was, the nation's reporters stood outside like miserable moaning

scarecrows. It's sad really. Awesome sight. The public were also

out, and so were their cameras. Thing is, while cautionary newspaper

front pages and the authorities were warning people to keep away from the

water's edge the news seemed to be almost encouraging viewers to head

outside and film the great national waterboarding for them, by

showcasing their depressing photos and alarming videos. It even started

advising people to hold their phones the right way round, so their

pictures would Film your pictures in land scope

mode. Idiots have been filming in portrait mode which is awful on the

news! If you witness a kill, for Gods' sake do the right thing and

turn your phone siteways before hitting record or you are ten times

worse than the murderer! . Of course those showy Americans

always have to go one better, and consequently their extreme weather

was extrem-ier than ours. Picturesque US news footage made

America look more like The United States of Narnia thanks to something

called the Polar Vortex which sent temperatures plunging so low the

best way to warm up was to stay indoors and climb inside the fridge.

Lots of people caught in reports had to virtually mummify themselves to

avoid freezing to death, to the point where some reports resembled

bulletins from the Anarchist News Network. Having delighted viewers

with his cheap Batman impression, he then performed a sort of David

Blaine magic trick with a cup of boiling water.

Yes, someone somewhere had discovered that if you throw a cup

of boiling water in the air in super sub zero conditions, you can make

instant snow, something the news didn't tire of demonstrating,

occasionally offering a step-by-step how-to guide and encouraging

You can do it at home with your kids.

It is a fun experiment isn't it? At least it makes me laugh.

Ha ha, serves you right: next time, landscape mode. Yes it turns out the

downside of repeatedly showing millions of people a trick in which

you throw boiling water around is that people might actually try and

do it, turning scenes from what should've been a Winter Wonderland

into something more like When Idiots Happen. Still it's going to get cold

here too and that's worrying people already. And it's worrying no-one

more than our resident inquisitive human, Limmy. This is Limmy.

See the news? It's cold out there. Cold in winter? ! Bit serious.

People are dying. Happens every year. Stick up the price of gas and

still another granny in the ground. Don't blame us fat cats. It's

because the world is running out of gas and wholesale prices are up.

It's because blah blah blah, but I know it's not. Cos I worked it out.

It was when I was on the phone. My granny was freezing. I tried to keep

her spirits up. She has some amazing stories to tell. There is a three

for two offer on the go for lentils. I said, that's it, the more you buy,

they lower the price, but the less you buy, the higher the price and

that's gone on with the fat cats. Still here... I mean, have you not

noticed. They only start to stick the price up if we started to cut

down, trying to save the planet. What? You think that's just a

coincidence? Come on! They can't come out and say stop saving the

planet and we'll save you money. No, this offer's only available for

people who can read between the lines. So I turned it all, all up

and told my granny to do the same. Full last. I told the world. "Get it

up. We can do this. But we need to do it together

# Fullblast. " Now I'm telling you to tell your granny, "get it up,

right up. Let's have ourselves the warmest winter since records began".

As for the gas bill trurks me, I think we are in for a big surprise.

-- trust me. Gadgets! And nerd mecca the Consumer

Electronics Show opens in Las Vegas, the one bit of America too hot to

freeze. It's your first chance to guess just which unnecessary bit of

microchipped bibble might be enslaving us all tomorrow, as

various effusive news reports unveiled an exciting vision of a

future we should probably be fending off with sticks. One of the biggest

trends is for wearable tech, like video glasses that will utterly

transform the way you 2014 is the year of the smart

glasses. Yes, super computerised video

glasses aim to change the way you accidentally molest passers-by

forever. The incredi-specs will allow you to do astounding things,

such as switching lights on and of, just like you can with your real

hands! But that's not all! There were also computer enhanced domestic

gadgets that defy sense and description entirely, including one

called Mother. Never mind what 'Mother' looks like, who knew

Penfold was real? Turns out the oddly-named 'Mother' is a horrendous

central intelligence agency for the home that keeps tabs on everything

in your house, from how you flush the bog to how well you brush your

teeth, as it monitors how closely each individual is sticking to their

dental hygiene routine. It's a fun way of getting children

to brush their teeth instead of shouting at them.

Yes, according to a series of informative reports, soon absolutely

every gadget in your home will be connected to the internet, whether

you want it to be or not. Why, soon you'll be able to conduct Google

searches by entering them orally into your toaster. How many people

died in the 1854 cholera epidemic? 1616. Wow. Other innovations include

a range of exciting bendable televisions seen here flaunting

their curves. TV screens used to be a bit curved, which was rubbish, so

we made them flat, which was rubbish, so now they're going to be

a bit curved again, which is brilliant. So what advantages does a

curvy TV have? That is a bench TV. Apart from none? Luckily a CNET tech

guru spotted some pluses in his perky report. Sometimes things are

muddled. If you have window, the reflections could be slightly less

annoying. Yeah and if that doesn't work, buy

some curtains. Still, no matter what kind of TV you're using the shows

remain the same. This Morning on a curvy TV is still This Morning. It

still takes three hours to watch. If only there was a more efficient way

to ingest it. Well, guess what there is. A Mr Jake Yapp has condensed

This Morning down to to 97 seconds as he'll prove to you now. Start the

clock. Welcome to This Morning, coming up

in the show then, it's a TV nursery for ex-boy band members who've seen

presenters in a strange TV limbo for the Paul Rosses and Phil Vickeries

who never quite manage to attain the velocity to get into real prime time

TV, an event horizon. Let's find out more of what you have been saying

about that. Jeff brazier. You can smell the aftershave before I come

on screen. Popular with the house wives. Let's read out your TV Tweets

before we throw to the competition with that one off Big Brother. Hi

guys, do you fancy tearing up your mortgage for two months and give us

what is left on the pay-as-you-go and you could be in with a chance of

a hope of a possibility and I'll say good luck even though it's

meaningless but I'm saying this to all of you. Time for the sad bit.

Wendy Pleb's son died of something. We'll have a two-minute filler

interview with her ahead of Gino di-Campo. Meatballs with the six

inch sausages, a couple #07 Fern buns and lovely jubbly coconuts with

sauce! Laughing so hard. Didn't see that

one coming. Coming! Oh, still laughing! See you next time on Fizz

Morning, "Fizz Morning! ". ". Music! And for several weeks the

nation's been utterly weirded out by this creepy ad depicting the

inevitable future in which scientists start breeding children

specifically to perform on talent contests. Er OK, that one sings:

drown the others!It was of course promoting BBC1's electrifying

sing-em-up The Voice, the third mesmeric series of which kicked off

this Saturday, presented by a cat and a man and a foursome of

sit-and-swivel judges: namely Colonel Sanders, Madge Off

Neighbours, the Protective Eyewear Must Be Worn symbol, and the crew

member who'd get killed in an episode of Star Trek. In order,

that's Tom Jones, Kylie, William, and it's essentially a quest to find

the forgotten stars of tomorrow as members of the public perform John

Lewis cover versions of well-known hits.

# Up all night to get some # Up all night to get lucky... #

More interesting was what started proceedings. It's

# I predict a riot... # # I predict a riot... #

Which was an unfortunate choice on the same night a vigil was held in

Tottenham while news cameras looked on, apparently hoping it might kick

off. Which was an unfortunate choice on the same night a vigil was held

in Tottenham while news cameras looked on, apparently hoping that

bus would catch fire again. What with the Duggan verdict and recent

Plebgate admissions, trust in the police seems to be at a pretty low

ebb. Of course without dem feds, crime would run wild. But what is

crime anyway? To explore what it is and who put it there, here's our

resident expert Philomena Cunk with another of her Moments of Wonder.

Cinema! One in 20 people has been a victim

of crime. Which means that 19 out of 20 people are criminals. No wonder

we need police. In the olden days, if someone did

something wrong, there was nothing you could do except form a mob with

your neighbours and hunt them down and kill them. But today, we've got

one other option, thanks to Sir Robert Peel who in 1829 discovered

the police here on a spot marked today by a ceremonial wind turbine.

Once the police had been invented, victims of crime knew who to ask for

help, because of their special hats. Designed to be visible at a distance

by people being murdered in the London fog. Police tried to stop

crime, but couldn't exist without it. If there was no crime, what

would they do? Except spend all day putting dresses on bikes with their

hammer. If no-one's going to steal those bikes, that's just deck

rating. Of course, there's no point fighting

crime if you don't know what it is. That's where rules come in.

But what is rules? A rules is basically a collection of laws. The

first example being the Ten Commandments which were left on a

hill by God. Many of those laws, killing, gravity and the one about

not interfering with oxes, are still used today. Even though God's dead.

So, who decides what's right and what's not right? And works out what

the punishment should be and then writes it down? Maybe an expert can

help us get to the truth. Hello, who are you and what are you

an expert on? I'm Chris Williams, a senior lecturer at the Open

University and I'm an expert on the history of crime, policing and

justice. If a policeman broke the law, would he be able to arrest

himself? I don't think so, no. Under the Police and Criminal Evidence

Act, the arresting officer has to sign the prisoner over to the

custody officer and if they were one and the same person, I can't see how

that would work. Also, I don't know how the investigator can interview

themselves legally under that Act. If the case ever got to court, which

I don't think it would, the defendant would be in a position to

cross-examine himself -- wouldn't be in a position to cross-examine

himself. I think the judge would then stop the crime. So no would be

the answer to your question. When you do reconstructions, you know, on

telly, they are dead convincing, aren't they? Have any of them, sort

of, like, got a bit out of hand and turned back into an actual crime?

Not to my knowledge, no. It money happened. Must have. Probably not. .

Cinema. And in a lushly-composed and thought provoking promo for a

satellite film channel, Harrison Ford himself shuffles glumly around

asking us relentless questions about the silver screen. Um that'd be,

Edward Penishands. I saw it on VHS like 20 years ago.

When was the last time you saw a movie you really wanted to watch?

What was the last movie you had to tell someone about? Edward

Penishands. Seriously, he's got penises for hands.

What was the last movie you had to tell somebody about. Disgusting.

What would be the next? What will be the next? Err, that'd probably be

Edward Penishands 2. But that won't be on Sky Movies, so sling your hook

Dr Jones. Hotels 4U Websites! And a candy-coloured couple mug their way

through a garish advert with the accent on irritation.

Find us a hotel in the comforts of home. Anything for you cup cake? I'm

pretty sure this is the most pitiless, unrelenting attempt to

hammer a catchphrase into the public consciousness since Zieg Heil.

Anything for yow cupcake Hahaha! It's funny cos he's brummie! I don't

think I'll ever tire of him saying that. Anything for yow cupcake

Hahaha! Anything for yow cupcake Ha ha ha. Anything for yow cupcake Hm.

Anything for yow cupcake That's enoof listening to yow, foockface.

Well that's all we've got for this week. Until next time, do go away.