Episode 6 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe


Episode 6

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This programme contains some strong language

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and adult humour from the start.

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Weekly Wipes had these opening credit things

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with all bathroom tiles flying around

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and this music that went...

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BARRY SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE

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PHILOMENA SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE

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BARRY SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE

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Sort of like that.

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Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker. You are watching a special edition of Weekly Wipe.

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Normally, with a TV series, there is, like,

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six normal episodes, but what this did, which was brilliant,

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was the sixth one was like some sort of compilation one

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with some of the best bits in it in case you had forgotten them

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because they happened so long ago, like well over a fortnight.

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But just so you weren't sure

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whether to just switch off if you had already seen those bits,

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it had all these new bits in it too, sort of peppered throughout,

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like if you had a burger made of old mince, but you put some new mince

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in it as well, to sort of mask the cheap fucking stink.

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Benefits Street is a fly on the fly-covered wall documentary series,

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a bit like Sesame Street brought to you by the letters DSS and DWP.

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It follows some of the residents

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on an apparently notorious Birmingham street

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where, we are told, most of the residents are on benefits.

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As well as impoverished single mums,

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it also depicts petty criminals on the rob.

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On the one hand, it's a gritty slice-of-life expose,

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but it's also packaged with a knowing nod and a wink

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and it is so full of larger-than-life characters,

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it almost feels like a sitcom, a bit like Friends...with benefits.

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Some complained the programme depicts lazy ne'er-do-wells

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living the high life, sponging off the state.

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To be fair, the level of luxury they are enjoying is outrageous.

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I mean, just look!

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Most of them have got shoes! The sense of entitlement is amazing!

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They use oxygen without even paying for it,

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they just inhale it and convert it into carbon dioxide,

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selfishly leaving less for the taxpayer.

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They've even got sticks and bits of old fan.

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I haven't got sticks and bits of old fan! Why should they?

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Channel 4 says Benefits Street is about

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community spirit in adverse circumstances, but the problem is,

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it's not called Community Spirit In Adverse Circumstances,

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it's called Benefits Street, a button-pushing title

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attached to a programme with more buttons than a shirt factory.

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They might as well have called it The Great British Skive-Off

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or Layabout Way.

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To wear my earnest hat for a moment,

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I actually thought Benefits Street was broadly sympathetic

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to its participants, although being a TV show,

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it also inevitably boiled their lives down

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to eye-catching highlights and outrageous sound bites,

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but thanks to that title

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and ingrained assumptions of some viewers

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on both sides of the political divide,

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it also caused the sort of noisy publicity-stoking press reaction

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that must have had Channel 4 wanking with dismay.

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The debate came alive

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on a feisty edition of Newsnight, as a man from Channel 4 had to

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defend himself against accusations of being a poverty porn baron.

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Are you comfortable with the idea of poverty porn as an idea?

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I am deeply uncomfortable with that phrase. I think it's inaccurate.

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That's true. Benefits Street isn't porn.

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I mean, what is pornographic about seeing six sweaty men

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crammed into one filthy hole?

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There's not even any money shots. Well, they haven't got any money.

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There was this sort of detective programme called Sherlock,

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which was really exciting,

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about this hobbit who lives in London and he's friends with

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this wizard called Sherlock who is really good at solving crimes.

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It's brilliantly made. You can tell all the people in it

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are really clever because they speak really quickly.

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Because the repairs exceed the cost of the hat,

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so he is mawkishly attached to it, but it's more than that.

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One, perhaps two patches, would indicate sentimentality.

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Which is good because it means they are not put off by the fact

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that no-one actually speaks like that.

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Sherlock is so brainy he can see words floating in the air

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that tell him what's going on,

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like he has done a spell

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so he's got a Wikipedia in his eyes, you know.

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Everything must look like a diagram to him.

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Like when he does a piss, right, it must have "piss" written next to it

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or something cleverer than "piss", like "urine".

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It was like a film about a robot policeman, but on television,

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so it wasn't really a film,

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but it is so good they should do a film about a robot cop.

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They could call it Robot Cop.

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Sherlock's really smart and can use the internet, but he doesn't

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seem to know that you can open more than one window at a time.

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Like, when he wants to open a new window, he must have to just

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buy a new laptop, so he's got loads of them.

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He must have to do all the solving stuff

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just to pay for all his computers.

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What's good is it's sort of for the Twitter generation.

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Like, because everyone watching is tweeting, "I love Sherlock,"

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all the time, there's these special bits of the programme

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where nothing important happens,

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so you can use your phone for a bit without missing anything.

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It's unpredictable, which is brilliant.

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Like sometimes it gets all excited

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and sort of whooshes from one thing to another

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in a really modern way, and sometimes it sort of turns into

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Take Me Out, but with Sherlock Holmes instead of Paddy McGuinness.

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-Describe him.

-Short blond hair.

-Dark hair. Long.

-Ginger. I like gingers.

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Seriously, it really was like Take Me Out.

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Mmm, not you.

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Not you, not you, not you, not you, not you.

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Not you.

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Food! And with the horse-meat scandal behind us,

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the New Year got off to a grisly start as a Chinese branch of Walmart

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discovered its donkey meat was tainted with fox.

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These days, you just don't know what the FOX you are eating.

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The sad news was expertly reported

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on the slightly odd Blue Ocean Network,

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anchored by the world's first Lego human.

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A man that bought a package of what he thought was donkey meat

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at a local Walmart turned out to be fox meat instead.

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Talk about Fox News! Ha-ha-ha!

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The report rounded off with a helpful Jamie Oliver-style

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austerity cooking tip.

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To be on the safe side, boil fox meat with spices before consuming.

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And to be on the really safe side, throw it away.

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Culture! And in unforgettable scenes,

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This Morning screens a bizarre live test

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in which Britain's foremost and indeed only rumpologist

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demonstrates how to analyse people's backsides.

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When I was focusing on Kelly's bottom, it's the right cheek

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that was telling me all the sort of past things.

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The left cheek is all the future things.

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Which, as I suspected, makes the present a shithole.

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Looking at this, you might think

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This Morning is taking the piss, but it isn't,

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although some of its guests are.

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How do you start your day? Do you like an orange juice?

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-I'm a coffee guy.

-You're a coffee guy.

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Maybe some of you are tea people.

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Well, not this couple.

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They kick off their day with a glass of their own urine.

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Yes, in a thrilling episode,

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This Morning interviewed a happy couple who drink their own urine.

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Not to save money - they drink it for health reasons,

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none of which are visible or indeed exist.

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What difference did it make to you?

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It just generally, it helps balance my head,

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like my emotions were a lot calmer and I could just think clearer.

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Clear enough to think, "I know! I'll drink my own piss!"

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Is it an acquired taste? Could you ever try each others?

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-It's not a taste you want to acquire!

-You don't like the taste of it?

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-No!

-When you begin, it smells and tastes like wee.

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So it is socially unacceptable and it tastes horrible,

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but on the plus side, it's also frowned upon by doctors,

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specifically a telly doc who looks like Prince playing Doctor Who

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doing his best to balance the piss-taking with medical fact.

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It is not medically recommended,

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especially if you're unwell or on medication.

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-We would not recommend it.

-It had been medically recommended.

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Mm, yeah, I guess it all boils down, really, to who you want to believe -

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the qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink piss

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or the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does.

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Things inevitably built towards the money shot

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in which the happy couple would go on the piss,

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necking a glass of home-brewed Pinot grigio live on air,

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which was probably enough to get viewers experimenting

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with swallowing their own vomit.

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Look at that. You know what that is? That is Cameron's Britain.

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Cameron's Britain, everybody!

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CHARLIE SCOFFS

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Inevitably, this informative item

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prompted some lively viewer feedback,

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which tight-panted bulge-displayer Jeff Brazier

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did his best to reel off quickly

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before he had some kind of weird fit.

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Zoe says, "If that is what they want to do, then let them.

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"People are too quick to judge." Now...

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MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" by Barry White

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Mmm!

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To be fair, this celebratory urine drinking isn't the most

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upsetting fluid intake scene I have witnessed on ITV recently.

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That would be Monday's harrowing Coronation Street,

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in which Hayley Cropper drank the ultimate bedtime nightcap.

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Come on, everyone.

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# Down in one, down in one, down in one! #

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Still, it was nice of her to give him a hand job on the way out.

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I love you!

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You know what I've noticed? Have a look at this.

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X Factor!

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Yeah, look at this. This sort of brightly lit spew,

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this is popular culture.

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This is popular! But it's terrible.

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# It's going down! #

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Makes you think, that, doesn't it?

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Well, it makes nobody think more

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than our resident inquisitive human, Limmy.

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This is Limmy.

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The world is full of mystery, the unexplained,

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but I like to think I've got an ability to work out what is really

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going on, to take a peek behind the curtain like in The Wizard Of Oz,

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and show you, you know, like,

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"Hey, look, it's been him the whole time!"

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That kind of thing, but something has come up that

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I just cannot get my head around and that's, erm...

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That's, erm...

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Pitbull.

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I mean, erm, what?!

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One minute there is nae Pitbull,

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the next, there's this guy about 40,

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jumping up and down on a stage in a suit

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like he's just come straight out from work.

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-'Mr Worldwide!'

-Mr Worldwide? It's bizarre.

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But what's most bizarre is that nobody is batting an eye.

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It's like an alien's landed

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and I'm like that, "Look, everybody! An alien!"

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And everybody is like that.

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What's most bizarre is that he's number one everywhere.

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Somebody is buying the singles, but nobody's owning up.

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I was in Victoria Park, painting the fence - somebody's got to -

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and this school lassie walked by, so I asked her.

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You into Pitbull, hen? She just ran away!

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I even jumped on Twitter to speak to the man himself.

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"Who are you?" Cos nobody else will talk to me.

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It's like everybody's in fear to speak out,

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like some kind of mafia thing. In fact, that's what it's like.

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It's like Pitbull's some kind of mafia godfather who just woke up

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one morning and decided,

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"I want to be a pop star." Just one day decided,

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"Mr Worldwide!" And everybody's just having to go along with it, or else.

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Nobody dares mention the suit. Or the voice.

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Or the fact that he's about 40 years old, calling himself Pitbull

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and jumping up and down on the stage shouting, "Mr Worldwide!"

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Nobody dares, unless they want to find themselves at the bottom of the

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Clyde, wearing a Columbian necktie and a pair of concrete boots.

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# Oh, oh, oh, oh!

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-# I just want to feel this moment. #

-Pitbull!

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Britain's brilliant, isn't it? It's got everything.

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It's got Paddington Bear and flags and the Bake Off.

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But all of this hangs in the balance thanks to immigration,

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which is completely out of control, apparently.

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Which is why it's helpful that for over a year, the news has kept us

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informed of the imminent threat of inbound Romanians

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and Bulgarians set to flood the country once EU restrictions

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were lifted on New Year's Day.

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But who exactly are these people? First, Bulgarians.

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Bulgarians, as a series of eye-opening reports made devilishly

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clear, live in a kind of Medieval realm, twinned with Game of Thrones.

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Consisting entirely of horses and carts and people lugging giant

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sacks around like they're in a live recreation of a Bruegel painting.

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Their world isn't entirely backward. I mean, they do have, say, cars.

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But only shit ones.

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In fact, as Channel 4's footage made clear,

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Bulgaria's a kind of open air shit car museum, where the only

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form of entertainment is driving over the nation's one speed bump.

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Romania, meanwhile, is apparently also

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a Medieval Game of Thrones Bruegel painting squalor pot,

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according to this news footage,

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apparently beamed live from the year 1386.

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The news certainly painted a graphic picture of deprivation

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and hot horse-on-cart action. I mean, look at this bleak existence!

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No utilities, squalid conditions,

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people lugging sacks around everywhere.

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And the only way to get about is on horseback.

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They'd be better off in Britain.

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Little wonder a tidal wave of immigrants was being predicted by

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some, and it didn't seem they were going to be welcomed with open arms.

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It's hard to shake the suspicion that much of the hostility

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towards immigrants who haven't even migrated might have

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something to do with the level-headed, non-judgemental

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and factually watertight reporting surrounding the issue.

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Given the nature of the news coverage,

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you'd think the Romanians would be rubbing their hands together,

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looking at the clock and booking their tickets.

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But weirdly, as some of the reporters pointed out,

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they're just not that into us.

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Having spoken to people here, it's clear that contrary to popular myth,

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Romanians have no wish to go to the UK to live on benefits.

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Yeah, I know. I've read about it in the paper.

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They can't wait to come and steal from us. Just listen to them.

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I would never leave my country, this woman says. For what?

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-I'm a patriot.

-Give me back my wallet!

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What would be the point of leaving Romania just for social benefits?

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Yeah, whatever. Have you got a receipt for those kids?

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I make my money here. I have my family here, and my friends here.

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-I feel at home here, I would never go.

-You lying thief!

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Even their own officials denied they wanted to come here.

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I can see at least one factor that makes the UK far less attractive,

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-and that's certainly the weather.

-What, how dare you?!

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What's wrong with our weather?!

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More disruption and misery after powerful gales

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and heavy rainfall hit the UK for the second time this week.

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Yes, in an apparent bid to scare off the great Eastern European

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invasion scheduled for New Year's Day when the floodgates would open,

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Britain's weather spent much of Christmas demonstrating

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what it'd look like if there were no floodgates at all.

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Suddenly, there was an intense sense of deja vu about some of the coverage.

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I mean, look at this bleak existence.

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No utilities, squalid conditions,

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people lugging sacks around everywhere.

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And the only way to get about is on horseback.

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They'd be better off in Romania.

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As New Year's Day arrived, the press pulled out all the stops

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to welcome the expected horde of newcomers,

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while in a last-ditch attempt to put off anyone

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attempting to enter the country, the government stationed MP

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and publicity tagnut Keith Vaz at Luton Airport.

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In fact, as Sky News clearly proved,

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when the much anticipated planeload of Romanians arrived,

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it turned out most of them already worked here.

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But the news did find at least one new Romanian - this guy, Victor,

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who'd come to get a job washing cars while wearing a green hat.

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I don't come to rob your country,

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I come to work, and you open the border.

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Hope you paid for that hat.

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Ironically, while Victor the one-man horde flooded Britain

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and bravely withstood a coffee with Keith Vaz,

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there were more British newcomers

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working in Romania as reporters than new Romanians in Britain.

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Anyway, now the country is ruined.

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I miss the traditional British way of life, you know,

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before we had the Bulgarians and the Romanians.

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And the Polish and the Russians and the Australians.

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And the Kurdish and the Turkish.

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And the Bengalis and the Pakistanis,

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and the Indians, and the West Indians

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and the Africans and the Huguenots.

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And the Jews and the Normans and the Vikings

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and the Angles and Saxons and the Romans and the Jutes.

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And those bloody Celts who were first in the door,

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-the foreign

-BLEEP

-idiots.

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It's been downhill ever since.

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Food now, and have you ever seen Sunday Brunch?

0:15:070:15:10

It's a kind of ladsy, blokesy, cooksy kind of show

0:15:100:15:13

that lasts for about 600 years every weekend on Channel 4.

0:15:130:15:16

But don't worry if you couldn't eat the whole episode of that,

0:15:160:15:18

Mr Jake Yapp is here to reduce it down to a matter of seconds.

0:15:180:15:23

Here he is. Start the clock.

0:15:230:15:24

Good morning, welcome to Sunday Brunch, with me, Tim Lovejoy.

0:15:280:15:31

A completely different format to Something For The Weekend

0:15:310:15:33

which I hosted in the same slot on BBC Two.

0:15:330:15:35

That was all about celebs and cooking,

0:15:350:15:37

this is all about food and famous people.

0:15:370:15:39

Anyway, it's no biggie, it's only telly,

0:15:390:15:41

just a couple of top blokes slightly too old for their low-rise jeans

0:15:410:15:44

hanging out for classic bants.

0:15:440:15:46

Look at me, I'm just leaning on the set, owning the space.

0:15:460:15:49

Scouse sidekick, what are you cooking up for us today?

0:15:490:15:51

Well, I'm doing French toast with...

0:15:510:15:53

Yeah, all right, mate, that's enough of you. Back to me.

0:15:530:15:55

Only joking! BARKING LAUGH

0:15:550:15:57

He's laughing. He's laughing as well.

0:15:570:16:00

I'm the new Des Lynam when you think about it,

0:16:000:16:02

I'm just so bloody laid-back.

0:16:020:16:04

All right, let's do some autocue,

0:16:040:16:05

watch my eyes glaze over, remedial time.

0:16:050:16:07

HALTINGLY: Our guests today were famous in a pop group around 1997.

0:16:070:16:13

Welcome, guys, just hang out, help yourselves to anything,

0:16:130:16:16

my parents aren't back till September and I'll be at uni by then.

0:16:160:16:18

Anyway, let's interview you,

0:16:180:16:20

didn't bother to read the notes, I'll just wing it.

0:16:200:16:22

Er, how did you...

0:16:220:16:25

What's the most...er... Who are you?

0:16:250:16:27

OK, I've completely lost control of the interview now.

0:16:270:16:30

Good job the sound man's remembered that I'm supposed to be in charge.

0:16:300:16:33

Time to say something blindingly obvious as though

0:16:330:16:36

it's something only my keenly analytical mind could work out.

0:16:360:16:39

Music's really important, isn't it? Speaking of which,

0:16:390:16:42

here's a bit of a pop video we've been checking out on MySpace.

0:16:420:16:44

They're called Coldplay, and we think they're going places. Here it is...

0:16:440:16:48

Time now for me to stand next to Simon

0:16:480:16:49

while he cooks, all a bit awkward,

0:16:490:16:51

like a neighbour standing in your kitchen at your New Year's party.

0:16:510:16:54

Later on Simon will stand awkwardly next to our guest chef,

0:16:540:16:57

keeping that whole redundant bloke standing about vibe going.

0:16:570:17:00

Well, we've got to the end of the programme

0:17:000:17:02

and no-one's worked out what my role is.

0:17:020:17:04

Time for a low key, no eye contact finale. See you later.

0:17:040:17:07

Cinema! And in a lushly composed and thought-provoking promo

0:17:150:17:18

for a satellite film channel,

0:17:180:17:20

Harrison Ford himself shuffles glumly around

0:17:200:17:22

asking us relentless questions about the silver screen.

0:17:220:17:25

What was the last movie...

0:17:250:17:27

..you couldn't stop thinking about?

0:17:280:17:30

Hmm. That'd be Edward Penishands. I saw it on VHS, like, 20 years ago.

0:17:300:17:34

Still see it every night in here.

0:17:340:17:37

When was the last time you saw a movie you really wanted to watch?

0:17:370:17:41

Oh, Edward Penishands. As soon as I heard that title, I was in.

0:17:410:17:44

What was the last movie you just had to tell someone about?

0:17:440:17:48

Edward Penishands. Seriously, he's got penises for hands.

0:17:480:17:51

What's the last movie you saw that sent a shiver down your spine?

0:17:510:17:56

Oh, Edward Penishands. There's an eerie bit

0:17:560:17:57

where he has to eat spaghetti with the family,

0:17:570:18:00

-and it's really uncomfortable.

-He's disgusting!

0:18:000:18:02

Now, Susan, be polite.

0:18:020:18:04

That was the last movie that really impacted on me.

0:18:040:18:07

What will be the next?

0:18:070:18:09

That will probably be Edward Penishands 2,

0:18:090:18:11

but that won't be on Sky Movies, so sling your hook, Dr Jones.

0:18:110:18:14

Culture now, and it seems a lot of what we watch on TV

0:18:140:18:16

doesn't have anything to say.

0:18:160:18:18

Well, some people don't think that's a bad thing.

0:18:180:18:22

Namely US comedian and shambles, Doug Stanhope. Here he is.

0:18:220:18:26

DISTORTED "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYS

0:18:260:18:29

I'm Doug Stanhope,

0:18:320:18:33

and that's why I drink.

0:18:330:18:34

They always said Seinfeld was a show about nothing.

0:18:380:18:41

And I enjoy that concept, cos that's what I look for in a TV show.

0:18:410:18:46

Nothing.

0:18:460:18:47

At this age, I don't want to learn anything.

0:18:470:18:49

I don't want to have to care or pay attention.

0:18:490:18:52

That's why I try not to read books,

0:18:520:18:54

cos it gets you all thinking and stuff. Who needs that?

0:18:540:18:57

But even Seinfeld could not have imagined the levels of nothing

0:18:570:19:02

that television could one day reach.

0:19:020:19:05

Nobody does nothing better than the Norwegians.

0:19:050:19:08

They've mastered a concept they call slow TV.

0:19:080:19:12

One show that's 12 hours long about knitting,

0:19:120:19:16

nothing but relentless knitting.

0:19:160:19:19

GENTLE LOUNGE JAZZ PLAYS

0:19:190:19:21

That is paradise to me.

0:19:290:19:32

They put cameras on a cruise ship in Norway

0:19:320:19:36

and filmed an entire six day voyage.

0:19:360:19:40

134 hours, one episode.

0:19:400:19:44

I would have watched that show in my cabin on that cruise ship.

0:19:440:19:51

Thanking God I didn't have to lift my neck all the way up to the window

0:19:510:19:55

to see this. I could just see it, it's right here on TV!

0:19:550:20:00

I hope we don't dock before this is over!

0:20:000:20:03

I need to know how this cruise ends!

0:20:030:20:06

If only I could make these segments about nothing.

0:20:070:20:10

Cos this is not really who I am. I'm not this angry all the time.

0:20:100:20:14

Do you think this is what I do at home? Get drunk and go, "Ahh?!"

0:20:140:20:18

No, that's why I only do half a dozen of these segments a year.

0:20:180:20:21

The rest of the time, I'm kind of all right.

0:20:210:20:23

I'm not like a Sean Hannity,

0:20:230:20:25

who's going to be angry and outraged every goddamn night.

0:20:250:20:29

I'll bet you 10,000, your charity versus mine,

0:20:290:20:32

that Congress has a special subsidy the American people don't have.

0:20:320:20:36

You going to take the bet, Congressman?

0:20:360:20:38

Are you going to take the bet?

0:20:380:20:40

Are you going to take that bet?

0:20:400:20:41

-No, I...

-Because you're lying, that's why.

0:20:410:20:43

How do you live like that, Sean? Relax!

0:20:430:20:46

Just grab a drink and settle down.

0:20:460:20:50

There's nothing going on and you're missing it.

0:20:500:20:53

EastEnders, the BBC's expertly realised ongoing simulation

0:20:530:20:57

of what London might look like if human beings spoke

0:20:570:21:00

and behaved in unrealistic ways,

0:21:000:21:01

has been facing a crisis.

0:21:010:21:03

Viewers were turning away in droves,

0:21:030:21:05

even though no-one knows what a drove is.

0:21:050:21:06

It's not quite clear why people haven't been enjoying

0:21:060:21:09

this tale of downtrodden proletarians

0:21:090:21:11

suffering endless miseries beneath a battleship grey sky.

0:21:110:21:14

It can't be the fault of the richly drawn characters

0:21:140:21:17

like Purple Ronnie here, or Ian, or Kat,

0:21:170:21:19

or Ian, or Dot, or Ian,

0:21:190:21:21

or, I don't know, who's that? Colin?

0:21:210:21:23

Or the bald one, or the other bald one, or the sort of newer bald one.

0:21:230:21:27

Actually, there's so many bald heads in it,

0:21:270:21:29

it's like watching Finding Chemo. Seriously, when two of them meet,

0:21:290:21:32

they must think they're looking in a mirror.

0:21:320:21:34

Anyway, now there's a new boss driving the East End bus

0:21:340:21:36

and the Square's being sexed up. Literally, with some mature erotica.

0:21:360:21:40

They've paired Phil Mitchell up with Sharon again.

0:21:400:21:42

Good news for anyone who's ever wondered what it might look like

0:21:420:21:45

if scientists made a woman mate with a giant thumb,

0:21:450:21:48

and bad news for anyone who doesn't want to witness

0:21:480:21:50

his delighted post-coital gasping.

0:21:500:21:52

CONTENTED SIGH

0:21:540:21:56

Just like old times, eh?

0:21:590:22:00

"Whurrr! Thanks for that, love.

0:22:000:22:02

"Just going to go pat my dick dry on a tea cosy."

0:22:020:22:04

But these thrilling developments were nothing compared to the news

0:22:040:22:08

that cockney actor Danny Dyer, the thinking man's Dick Van Dyke,

0:22:080:22:11

was joining the Square to play the exotically-named Mick Carter,

0:22:110:22:15

a mystery wrapped in an enigma cocooned within a bloke.

0:22:150:22:18

Contrary to popular opinion, Danny Dyer can act.

0:22:180:22:21

Although he seemed uncertain at first,

0:22:210:22:23

openly asking other cast members how he should perform each scene.

0:22:230:22:26

I was thinking, how do I play this? Do I try tears?

0:22:260:22:31

I don't know, Danny, what does it say in the script?

0:22:310:22:33

How am I going to tell Linda that tomorrow

0:22:330:22:35

our little girl is getting married to a man we hate?

0:22:350:22:38

Oh, er...you're supposed to do it gruffly, apparently.

0:22:380:22:41

But most of the time, there's no dialogue at all,

0:22:410:22:43

because the inhabitants of Albert Square chiefly seem to communicate

0:22:430:22:46

by staring mutely at each other

0:22:460:22:48

in some sort of weird silent theatre of the mind.

0:22:480:22:51

SIGHS DEEPLY

0:22:580:23:00

Prompt!

0:23:010:23:02

To be fair, this is some of the best dialogue

0:23:130:23:15

Albert Square has seen in years.

0:23:150:23:17

Gambling, and in a chilling online bingo advert,

0:23:230:23:26

London is invaded by pop giant Mel B,

0:23:260:23:28

clomping through the streets like Godzilla-ziggah.

0:23:280:23:31

Terrifying pedestrians with the biggest camel toe in history.

0:23:310:23:35

Not that it's that unusual a sight. The city is full of massive twats.

0:23:350:23:38

Actually, I don't know why they've shown her playing bingo in the city.

0:23:380:23:41

It's not a place anyone associates with huge destructive idiots

0:23:410:23:44

mindlessly gambling and crushing the man on the street.

0:23:440:23:47

She's massive!

0:23:470:23:49

You think I'm massive? Get a load of this jackpot.

0:23:490:23:52

Looks like someone's sitting on a full house.

0:23:520:23:55

Bingo joke!

0:23:550:23:56

There was this brilliant documentary thing called Splash.

0:23:560:24:00

Where Daley Thompson off the Olympics taught famous people

0:24:000:24:03

how to fall off a shelf.

0:24:030:24:04

They all had different techniques,

0:24:040:24:06

like, some of them fell in sort of elegantly,

0:24:060:24:09

and others sort of like people just begrudgingly doing it for money.

0:24:090:24:12

It was sort of fun, but the main problem was that all the celebrities

0:24:140:24:18

fell sort of at the same speed.

0:24:180:24:19

Like, even the bigger ones went at the same speed.

0:24:190:24:22

So it was hard to tell who was winning.

0:24:220:24:24

Because all they had to do was fall, even dead people could have done it.

0:24:240:24:28

And if they'd had dead people,

0:24:280:24:30

they could have got more famous celebrities

0:24:300:24:31

than the ones they ended up with.

0:24:310:24:33

Like, they could've had Marlon Brando being pushed in the water

0:24:330:24:36

instead of any of them.

0:24:360:24:38

Although I suppose Marlon Brando would sort of mush apart

0:24:380:24:41

and sink like chunks of green mud

0:24:410:24:43

if you dropped him from any great height onto water.

0:24:430:24:46

Which might not be very, sort of, Saturday night.

0:24:460:24:49

The famous people weren't people you'd associate with falling,

0:24:490:24:52

so that was surprising.

0:24:520:24:53

Like, they had an actor man, and a funny hair boy,

0:24:530:24:56

and a sort of sexy wildlife woman.

0:24:560:24:58

You weren't sure if they even would fall.

0:24:580:25:00

Like, they might have just hovered in the air.

0:25:000:25:02

But then when they stepped off, they did actually fall after all.

0:25:020:25:05

I read something about falling afterwards, and apparently

0:25:070:25:10

everything falls if there isn't something stopping it from falling.

0:25:100:25:15

The only things that don't fall are air, clouds, and bees.

0:25:150:25:20

And no-one knows why bees don't fall.

0:25:200:25:23

Then, because ITV tested how famous people fall in water,

0:25:230:25:26

Channel 4 tested how they fall onto ice,

0:25:260:25:28

with this entertaining The Jump thing.

0:25:280:25:31

Which was amazing.

0:25:310:25:32

It was even more scientific than Splash cos it was in Switzerland,

0:25:320:25:35

so they put them in the Large Hadron Collider.

0:25:350:25:37

Where they sort of flew around on their tummies

0:25:370:25:41

like atoms or whatever it is.

0:25:410:25:42

What was amazing was they put cameras on the celebrities.

0:25:420:25:46

So you could see what sort of faces famous people pull

0:25:460:25:48

when they're worried about breaking a bone or paralysing themselves.

0:25:480:25:51

And it turns out, it's the same sort of face you pull on the toilet

0:25:510:25:54

when there's something you can't quite push out

0:25:540:25:57

unless you take a bit of a mental run-up at it.

0:25:570:25:59

At the end of each episode, some of them had to do a jump,

0:25:590:26:02

which looked sort of shit.

0:26:020:26:04

So everyone moaned about how unspectacular it was.

0:26:040:26:08

But then they all started sort of hurting themselves.

0:26:080:26:11

It was quite interesting, really, to see

0:26:110:26:13

how injured someone can get and it still be entertaining.

0:26:130:26:17

Like, there were broken ribs and things.

0:26:170:26:19

I reckon if someone's leg had broken backwards at the knee,

0:26:190:26:23

and all blood came out

0:26:230:26:24

and they'd been screaming and vomiting into the snow,

0:26:240:26:27

it might not have been as much fun.

0:26:270:26:30

But maybe that'll happen in the second series, so I can be sure.

0:26:300:26:34

As you may have noticed,

0:26:340:26:36

Britain endured some pretty extreme weather earlier this year.

0:26:360:26:39

So did America, but in typical fashion,

0:26:390:26:42

theirs was extreme-ier than ours. And beautiful.

0:26:420:26:45

Picturesque US news footage made America look more like

0:26:450:26:48

the United States of Narnia,

0:26:480:26:49

thanks to something called the polar vortex.

0:26:490:26:52

Which sent temperatures plunging so low,

0:26:520:26:53

the best way to warm up was to stay indoors and climb inside the fridge.

0:26:530:26:57

Lots of people in reports had to virtually mummify themselves

0:26:570:26:59

to avoid freezing to death.

0:26:590:27:01

To the point where some reports resembled

0:27:010:27:03

bulletins from the Anarchist News Network.

0:27:030:27:05

Well, it's just before dawn here in Minneapolis

0:27:050:27:08

and it's about as cold as it's going to get.

0:27:080:27:10

Having delighted viewers with his cheap Batman impersonation,

0:27:100:27:13

he then performed a sort of David Blaine magic trick

0:27:130:27:15

using a cup of boiling water.

0:27:150:27:17

It freezes before it even reaches the pavement.

0:27:170:27:19

Yes, someone had discovered that if you throw a cup of boiling water

0:27:190:27:23

in the air in super sub-zero conditions,

0:27:230:27:24

you can make instant snow, and the news didn't tire

0:27:240:27:27

of demonstrating this, occasionally offering a step-by-step guide.

0:27:270:27:30

Put it in the microwave for about two or three minutes,

0:27:300:27:33

make sure it gets really hot.

0:27:330:27:35

And encouraging viewers to try it at home.

0:27:350:27:38

A pretty fun experiment, you can do that at home with the kids.

0:27:380:27:41

Yeah, it is a fun experiment, isn't it? At least it makes me laugh.

0:27:410:27:44

Oh, my God, it's burning me!

0:27:470:27:49

LAUGHS HEARTILY

0:27:490:27:50

HE SCREAMS

0:27:510:27:53

Yes, it turns out the downside of repeatedly showing

0:27:530:27:56

millions of people a trick in which you throw boiling water around

0:27:560:27:58

is that people might actually try and do it,

0:27:580:28:01

turning scenes from what should have been a winter wonderland

0:28:010:28:03

into something more like When Idiots Happen.

0:28:030:28:06

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

0:28:060:28:08

At the end of the Weekly Wipes programme,

0:28:080:28:10

the sort of angry for money man

0:28:100:28:12

would say goodbye in this really, like, dismissive way.

0:28:120:28:15

Hmm. Well, that's all we've got time for.

0:28:150:28:18

Until next time, whenever that is, go away.

0:28:180:28:20

And you're like, no. You go away, mate.

0:28:200:28:23

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