A Khan Christmas Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

the capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader.

They all know me... You like my suit?

Number one - Citizen Khan.

Merry Christmas, neighbour.

What do you think?

Why does everyone cover their bloomin' houses in lights

every Christmas? You people not heard of global warming?

Oh, careful, Mr Khan, sounds a bit bah-humbug.

Good. Now, bah-humbugger off!

Hang on, is that my ladder?

Mrs Khan said it'd be OK.

Bloomin' cheek. My ladder.

Well, maybe if you're a good boy, Father Christmas will bring you one of your own.

What was that?

Whoa!

Aaargh!

Oi!

-Not working!

-It's a problem with the dish.

-SPEAKS URDU

-...lazy bugger!

Shazia, why do you let her sit in my chair?

You know she leaves hairs all over it.

She's highlighting all the telly she wants to watch over Christmas.

Why don't we ever do Christmas properly, Dad?

Because we're Pakistani.

Bing Crosby isn't dreaming of a brown Christmas, is he?

Couldn't we at least put up some tinsel? It's Christmas Eve.

Other people have real trees and they have lights on their houses

and wreaths on their doors, like Matt and Debbie.

Oh, not Matt and Debbaay!

No-one likes all that stuff.

They only do it because they have to.

We're Muslim, we've got excuse.

You just don't want to spend any money.

That's not true, I'm very generous.

-Look.

-What's that?

It's for the mosque charity collection.

Biggest donor gets named in the newsletter as Muslim of the Month. Good, eh?

But these are all MY things.

Which you have generously donated.

These are my shoes. They're brand new.

It's for charity, Shazia.

-Which charity?

-That's not important.

The important thing is, we give them a really big box of stuff and I win.

Well, shouldn't we be giving away old things we don't want any more?

Don't tempt me.

Papaji, you can take these.

-Thank you, Alia.

-Hopefully

they can help someone who can't afford to buy make-up.

Such a good girl!

Can I have some money to go out?

Yes, of course.

Now, come on, help me find some other stuff to give away.

No! Not my signed photo of Miss Clare Balding!

Vah! What a woman!

Why do you like her so much?

We Pakistanis love her.

She loves her sport, she's very healthy

and she's friends with Mo Farah.

Now, I'm going to give Miss Balding her pride of place.

Just move you out of the way.

Mum doesn't like people moving her things, Papaji.

She won't know, beti. Who's going to tell her - him?

ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, God! Agh!

Shush!

SHE LAUGHS

-SPEAKS URDU

-...idiot!

SPEAKS URDU ...get out of my bloody chair!

-SPEAKS URDU

-...fix bloody telly?

I'm doing it.

You see, Shazia, that's all we need for our Christmas.

Two weeks in front of the telly with a plate of chicken biryani.

How much more Christmas can you get?

Please, Dad. What about a bit of tinsel?

Chup! How many times? We're not doing Christmas and that's final! Baas!

Your father has spoken.

We're doing Christmas!

-What?

-That was Auntie Fatma.

They're all coming over, so I've decided we're doing Christmas!

Exciting, isn't it?

But, sweetie...

For one day, my whole family will be together in one place.

So I want to do a traditional Christmas before it's too late.

What are you talking about?

Think about it. Shazia's always wanted us to do Christmas.

This will be our last chance before she marries Amjad and leaves us.

And soon Alia will be off to university.

And what about my mother? She won't be here for ever.

I wouldn't bet on it.

It's now or never.

Mum's right. We should all do Christmas together.

Why, thank you, Alia.

-So, can I go out?

-No!

Right, now, we just need a few things. A Christmas tree,

some decorations, a turkey...

And some crackers! And some mince pies. And some Christmas lights!

It's too late. It's Christmas Eve!

Come on, where's your Christmas spirit? Don't you remember

the first Christmas we had in this country?

-Remember how cold it felt after Pakistan?

-Yes.

We spent the whole day huddled in front of that single-bar heater

in the flat in Ladywood.

Yes. We were so close to it, we both singed our moustaches.

Oi!

So can we do Christmas then?

-No!

-Yes!

-Yay!

Right, I'll get the food and you get the tree and all the decorations.

But I've got to get my charity donations to the mosque.

Oh, yes, and don't forget to fix the satellite dish for Naani.

Oh, God!

Come on!

SWITCHES ON RADIO

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

I don't!

Oh!

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart... #

No, thank you!

-...BBC Asian Network.

-Ah!

# It's Christma-a-a-as...! #

Shut up!

Come on!

Honestly!

Merry Christmas.

Ah! Salaam aleikum, Merry Christmas...

Salaam aleikum, Merry Christmas.

Ah, Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-It's me.

-Oh. Hello, Dave.

What the hell is going on?

The local church is using the community centre for their Christmas Fayre.

And what's next? Kumbaya instead of the call to prayer?

We can still celebrate Christmas. After all, Jesus is a Muslim prophet too.

Yes, but he's not the best one.

I think it's a great opportunity to bring the whole community together.

And what about my charity donations?

Aha, what have we here?

Oi! Hands off, Dibley.

This is Reverend Green, Mr Khan. The charity donations are all for him.

No bloody way!

It's all right, you still get to be Muslim of the Month.

Oh, right. Well, in that case, please accept my generous donation...

-your holiness.

-Thank you.

-So, what you going to do with them?

-Well, we'll sort through it all,

put some stuff with the bric-a-brac.

Anything really good will be wrapped for Santa's grotto.

No need to sort it. This is all top quality.

You want to stick it straight up your grotto.

It's very generous of you.

You're welcome, Revy.

You know, charity is one of the Five Pillars of Islam.

You can convert if you want. We'll take anyone.

Look at Dave.

Thank you, but I could never abandon my flock.

-You've got a flock?

-Yes, I am their shepherd.

And I've grown very close to some of them over the years.

Crikey! And I thought we had problems.

What do you think, Mum?

-Hm?

-For Amjad?

We said we weren't going to buy each other presents,

because we're saving up for the deposit on the flat, but I couldn't resist it.

It's very nice.

It's hard though, isn't it, choosing presents?

It's got to be what they want,

but without them realising it's what they want.

Ah, like the time I got your father a new razor for his back hair.

Exactly!

What's the best present you've ever had?

-A Dancing Arab.

-A what?

A Dancing Arab.

It's just a little thing. It's on the sideboard in the living room.

That? But that's...

I know. Cheap and nasty.

But, you see, beti, when I was a little girl,

my father always favoured your Auntie Fatma.

Then, one year, he gave me a present. The Dancing Arab.

He said he'd seen it in the bazaar and he thought I'd like it.

I've always kept it because it meant that my Papaji loved me.

I hope Amjad's got me something nice.

I thought you said you weren't getting each other presents.

I know, but he knows I didn't mean it.

How's the turkey?

Fine. I got the last one in the whole supermarket!

It's huge! Do you know how long to cook it for?

Of course. It's just a big chicken.

Is it Halal?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's OK, it's fine. It says it here.

Oh, praise be to ASDA!

Enjoying the Fayre, Mr Khan?

Not really. Have you seen the price of this stuff?

As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is just an excuse to get money out of people.

I do wish you'd enter into the spirit of it, Mr Khan.

You might find that Christmas can be a very enjoyable and uplifting experience.

Really?

You know, I might take you more seriously if you weren't dressed as...

What are you dressed as?

Can't you guess? It's a Christmas Fayre.

A gingerbread man?

-No.

-Because you're a ginger.

I'll give you a clue - I've got a very shiny nose.

Sir Alex Ferguson?

I'm Rudolph.

The red-nosed reindeer?

Seriously, Dave, where's your pride?

Where's your dignity?

I've never seen anyone looking so ridiculous in all my life.

Maybe I have.

-Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-Salaam aleikum.

Waleikum assalam. What are you doing here?

-We're here to help out.

-I like the Christmas.

In Somalia, everybody celebrates Christmas Day. We have a big party.

It goes on all night long and everybody sings and dances

and fires their guns in the air.

What, and then you have a big lie-in on Boxing Day?

No, Boxing Day is very sad time

when we bury those killed by the falling bullets.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves - dressed like that!

We're representing our community here. It's not bloody pantomime!

-BOTH:

-Sorry.

-Where's Amjad? BOTH:

-He's behind you.

Hello, sir.

Hello, Amjad.

You see? No silly costumes.

I'm the Christmas fairy.

Oh, God!

Are you doing some last-minute present shopping?

No, Shazia and me agreed we weren't going to get each other presents.

Right. But you got her one anyway.

No. She told me not to.

I'm not sure she really means that, Amjad.

What?

The women say that, but it is a test to see if you really love them.

But I do really love her.

Oh, no!

How are we all getting on?

We're getting ripped off, that's how we're getting on.

This stuff costs a bloody fortune!

But it's all for a good cause.

So, tell me, your Fathership, how much discount do you get?

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Come on, Viccy, it's the church Christmas Fayre.

You must get trade price.

-Don't tell me you pay retail!

-Really, Mr Khan...

Supposing someone wants to get some tinsel,

some crackers, some shiny little balls, maybe a tree....

-We haven't got any trees.

-You must do.

Sorry. But you have left it a bit late.

You should have got your tree early, Mr Khan. That's what I always do.

You know what, Dave? This is the worst Christmas Fayre this mosque has ever had!

MUTTERS UNDER BREATH

Ah!

Right.

-Oh, Merry Christmas, mate!

-Salaam aleikum.

How can I help you?

I'm looking for Christmas tree.

Ah, it's your lucky day, I've got one left.

-How much?

-50 quid.

£50? Is it a famous tree?

I don't think so.

I don't want the actual tree Baby Jesus was born in.

I want the ordinary one.

That's all I've got, mate. Look, we do wrap it up

and deliver it to your car for you.

For £50 I expect you to bring it home,

put it up and stick a bloody fairy on top.

That's just how much it costs.

Can't you do a deal for Muslims?

We don't believe in Christmas, it should be cheaper for us.

Hey, what are you doing?

-I'm getting a Christmas tree.

-That's mine.

-You haven't bought it, have you?

-Well, I was going to.

-It's too late.

Aah! Ohh!

But he hasn't got any others.

Why don't you try somewhere else?

I suppose. But my daughter will be very disappointed.

It's her first Christmas, you see.

And I promised I'd bring back a proper tree.

And she may not get another one.

I find it hard to manage alone.

I mean, her mother's around, but she doesn't help much.

And after the accident...

Fair enough, mate.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Come on, come on.

Come on!

RADIO PLAYS

MUSIC: "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney and Wings

# The moon is right

# The spirit's up

# We're here tonight

# And that's enough

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The party's on

# The feeling's here

# That only comes

# This time of year

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Oh-oh... #

We're having such a great time cooking Christmas dinner.

-Alia, why don't you come and help?

-OK!

-Or I could just go out.

-You can't go out.

I don't even have my own life.

-SPEAKS URDU:

-...Call The Midwife!

Mr Khan will be back soon, Ummi.

I can't wait for Dad to get back with all the decorations.

-And the tree.

-I know.

It's going to be so wonderful, our first Christmas.

And my whole family will be here to share it...

even my Papaji, in a way.

-Where is it?

-Kya?

My Dancing Arab. Where is it?

Is it important?

It's the one thing from my childhood that proves my father really loved me.

So...?

Everybody look for it!

Come on!

-Oh, wait. I think Dad took it.

-What?

He was making space for Clare Balding.

Ohh!

PHONE: # Bismillah, no We will not let you go... #

Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

Oh, hello, sweetie darling.

Yes, I've got the tree and I'm on my way home.

What thing?

Sweetie, calm down, I don't know what you're talking about.

What, that stupid Arab thing?

That's what I said, that stupid Arab important family heirloom thing.

Yes, of course I've got it!

Yes, I know how important it is to you. Why would I lose it?

OK, bye, sweetie.

Oh, twaddi!

-Oi!

-Ah!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, God!

-Er, excuse me, there's a queue.

-What are you doing?

-To the back, we've been here for ages.

-All right!

We've spent ages waiting.

MR KHAN MUMBLES

-Where is it, where is it?

-Mr Khan?

Hai!

Salaam aleikum and a Merry Christmas.

I was just making sure you had a full sack.

Oh, no worries there.

I'd better get suited up and start giving this lot out.

No, you can't do that!

Well, I am Santa.

Yes. I know. But, er...why don't you let me do it?

I thought you didn't do Christmas?

I know, but I was thinking,

we Muslims should get more involved in this whole Christmassy thing.

-It's so much fun, isn't it?

-Well, yes...

Deer old Rudolf, piggy pudding

and the Cliff Richard Christmas Carol Vordermans.

Yes, but the thing is...

And imagine how great it would be for community relations

for you to have a brown Santa, hm?

But I do it every year.

Are you saying you can't have a brown Santa?

No, of course not, no.

Santa should be Pakistani - he's got big bushy beard,

he flies halfway round the world to get here and he works on Christmas Day.

I suppose I could nip out for a cup of tea and a mince pie.

Off you go, then. I'll take it from here.

Why do they wrap them up?

Santa, you have to help me!

I need to get a present for my fiancee.

She said we weren't doing presents,

so I thought she didn't want me to get one.

But it turns out she meant she did want me to get one.

So I have to get one!

Ho-ho-ho!

It's not funny!

Amjad! It's me! Mr Khan.

You're Father Christmas?

But if...?

Then how...?

When?

Right, I haven't got time for this.

But, sir, I need to get a present for Shazia. I've looked everywhere.

You see, this is what happens

when we Pakistanis get involved with other people's traditions.

I bet you don't find other men running around

looking for last-minute Christmas presents for their fiancees!

What am I going to do?

I'm like the worst fiance in the world.

Here.

Thanks, Mr Khan Santa!

You're welcome.

Oh, twaddi!

Hello, Father Christmas. This is Bradley.

Oh, God!

Sit down.

What do I do?

You give him a present.

Oh, twaddi!

Salaam aleikum. There you go. Merry Christmas.

Can't I choose my present?

No! It's Santa's Grotto, it's not flipping Argos!

But how do you know I'll like it?

It's a foot spa. You'll love it. Now come on, off you go.

-I'll have it.

-You're not really Father Christmas!

Well done, Sherlock.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

-Cool.

-No! You can't have that. Put it back!

No way!

-I'll swap you the whole sack for it.

-No.

Give it here!

Bradley! What's going on in there?

Santa's stealing my present!

You! Now, look...

First the Christmas tree, now...

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

SHOUTING AND ARGUING

SHOUTING

Get off me. Get off me!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Oh, God!

-WOMAN:

-Oi!

Oh, fiddlesticks!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Where are you? They'll be here any minute.

'Sweetie, I had a bit of trouble with the car, but I'm on my way.'

What trouble? How are you getting here?

I found alternative transportation.

Oh, God, what are you doing? Not through the Muslim area!

Salaam aleikum!

There's one there. Where are you going?

Not through there!

HE GROANS

Oh, twaddi! Please, no!

Merry Christmas!

Come on, Amjad.

I don't think I like Christmas any more.

So kind of you to invite me to your...family Christmas.

Well, once Amjad and Shazia are married, you will be part of our family.

How nice.

And thank you so much for the presents.

Oh, please, it was nothing.

And of course I knew you wouldn't be buying any.

-WHISPERS:

-Mum.

I don't think the turkey's cooked. It looks dead pasty.

OK, turn it up to max. Give it all we've got!

I'm really tired, sir.

Amjad, shut up.

I'm the one doing the work now!

CHILDREN SHOUT

Ohhh!

The kids are getting closer, sir!

Aghhh!

Oh, it's going to be wonderful, a perfect Christmas!

And when the tree's up and all the decorations are up,

it's going to be lovely, lovely, lovely!

DOORBELL RINGS

Ho-ho-ho!

Hello, sweetie.

I got your thing.

What happened?

The kids caught up with us on the Stratford Road.

They took everything. It was horrible.

So...the tinsel?

The decorations?

The crackers?

What about the tree?

You've ruined everything!

I got your stupid thing back.

And I've got you a tree. What more can I do?

-SPEAKS URDU:

-...or fix bloody telly!

Oh, Christmas! Merry Christmas!

This is nice.

Interesting choice, having a pigeon instead of a turkey.

I wanted this all to be so nice.

And now it's ruined.

Come on, Mum. At least you'll get to see your sister.

Oh, I forgot to say, Auntie Fatma called. She's not coming.

But we've still got the tree, and the presents,

and Dad's fixing the telly for Naani and you've got Grandad back safe and sound.

MR KHAN: Oh, God!

CAT MIAOWS Oh! Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, twaddi!

Help! Help!

Help!

CLATTERING

Agh!

Oh, my God!

We might not be able to get Channel 5.

You idiot! What have you done?

It's not my bloody fault!

This is the problem with Christmas, it never goes right!

I tried telling you all, but did anyone listen to me?

Oh, no!

Maybe you're right.

What was I thinking?

Christmas isn't for us.

I should never even have tried.

Come on, get up.

-Everybody out. Come on, up, up, up.

-What are you doing?

-Come on.

-Where are we going?

Up, everyone. Come on, up, up. And you, come on.

Come on. Bloody Christmas!

Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

What's going on?

Chup!

Merry Christmas!

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm... #

All right, boys?

# All is bright

# Round yon Virgin

# Mother and child

# Holy infant so tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace... #

Merry Christmas, everyone!

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

Oi!

They're my lights!