Episode 1 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader!

They all know me! You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Oh, Mrs Desai called about the wedding. Said they can't come.

I knew it! She hates us.

She's punishing me for not sending out the invitations.

SHE GASPS

Now she's going to unfriend me on Facebook!

No, they actually can't come? Her husband died.

Oh. Thank God.

Open the door!

-Open the bloody door!

-Coming!

Look at this!

On special discount from Cash and Carry. Good, huh?

-This is too many.

-It's not too many.

We're always running out because you lot use too much.

-What are you talking about?

-You only ever need a little bit.

Look. This, too much. This, too much. This, just right.

Nobody ever needs to use more than that.

Why do you have to make such a fuss about toilet tissue?

Because it costs money!

And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget.

It is my big day, Dad.

More like big four days.

Why do our weddings have to take so long?

Maybe we should have an English wedding.

20 minutes in registry office, cucumber sandwich, cup of tea,

"Thank you for coming, bye bye."

The shame! What will the Maliks say?

Chillax. I'm only joking.

Luckily for you, you are married to a Pakistani businessman, hey?

-Dad, you're such a cheapskate. It's embarrassing.

-Chup!

I want no backchat from anyone!

-She has to look pretty for the wedding.

-I said chup!

-These dresses are so beautiful.

-Chup!

-Not as beautiful as you, my darling!

-Chup!

-Ah, thanks, Mum!

-Chup!

-Amjad is a very lucky...

I said chup! Is this not bloody working?!

Why you always talking about bloody expensive dresses?

A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing.

He'll love you more for saving money.

You know, when I married your mother,

the first thing I thought when I saw her was, "She looks bloody cheap."

In a good way!

Go on, be a good daughter for once, help your mother.

What about Alia? You never have a go at her!

Your little sister is good girl. She'll be somewhere

doing her homework or praying or some such thing.

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!

Where are you, darling Alia?

Ah.

Look at that. Wonderful. Reading the Koran, huh?

Very good. Where are you up to darling? Oh yes, that's a good bit.

See? First the worst, second the best, isn't it?

Have you been watering down the washing up liquid?

Why are you sponging the sofa again?

Three times already you sponged it this week.

I'm just freshening it up. Mrs Malik is coming round with Amjad tomorrow.

I don't want her saying things about my plastic covers.

As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,

making out we're common.

Rubbish. Why would she think that?

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer.

You know the president of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association?

He's asked me to accompany him to the next meeting.

Accompany him, like proper businessman!

More like drive him, like proper driver.

You know what this means?

They're making me the next president. President Khan!

What do you think of that? That'll go down well at the mosque.

Oh, by the way, have you booked the mosque for the wedding?

Yes, of course I have.

-Good, because if you hadn't we might've lost the slot.

-I know.

-And then there would be cancellation.

-I know this!

And shame.

And I would have to kill myself.

-Look, who's in charge of this family?

-Mum?

I am!

Look I've booked the mosque, OK? I said I would do it,

and I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done.

Baas.

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Don't stop reading, Alia. It's a big book

-Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to?

-Burying dead people.

-Oh, of course.

-How's the car?

-The Mercedes, eh?

Still looking like a brand new.

-This is Omar. He's new.

-Excellent. Welcome.

Mr Khan, community leader.

Future President of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association.

Ask anybodys, they all know me.

Ah! Asalaam Alaikum.

I'm delighted to make the acquaintance

of such a prominent member of the local community.

-What's wrong with him?

-He's from Somalia.

-Oh...

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

-Yes.

-Mr Khan!

Mrs Bilal! What are you doing in the mosque office?

I wanted to talk to you.

-I'm busy, talk to someone else.

-Like who?

Well, it's a mosque. Have you tried God?

-Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip?

-No!

We're going to Alton Towers!

Well...

Have a wonderful time and try not to fall out of any rides.

But I might want someone to hold my hand.

Thank you, goodbye, Mrs Bilal.

Mr Khan! Mr Khan!

God, Mrs Bilal!

President Khan. How do you do?

Mr President Khan. Pleased to meet ya.

HE SIGHS

Yes. Next President of SPBA.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Testing, testing, one, two.

This is President Khan speaking.

My fellow business leaders.

Ask not what your association can do for you,

but what have you done for me lately?

I have a dream, a song to sing.

# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window.

# Dum, dum, dum...

# My, my, my, Delilah...

# Tum-te-tum-te-tum-te-tum...

# Why, why, why, Delilah? #

-Everything all right?

-Yes, thank you.

I was just looking for the prayer mats.

Right. So, er... You've got everything you need, yeah?

-Yes.

-You know you can drop in anytime

and use the facilities here.

-Yes.

-This is the house of God, open to everyone.

Yes, that's very nice. Can I just ask one thing?

-Shoot.

-Who the hell are you?

Sorry, I'm Dave. I'm the new mosque manager.

-What happened to Mr Qureshi?

-He's tied up under the desk.

No. Only kidding. Mr Qureshi has taken early retirement.

Oh, right. Well, congratulations and welcome onboard.

-And you are?

-Mr Khan, community leader.

Mr Qureshi must have mentioned me.

Ohhhh, yes. YOU'RE Mr Kahn.

That's me.

I need to talk to you about booking the mosque

for my daughter's wedding.

Your daughter's getting married? Congratulations!

-Thank you.

-You must be very proud!

-Mmm... Eh.

Now, I need to book it on this date here.

-OK, I'll check the diary.

-What for?

To see if I have a window.

I'm not asking you out for dinner. You're a very nice man,

-but I...

-(LOWERS VOICE)

-..play with a straight bat, you know?

Right. Oh, no. Oh, we're booked up that day.

-You can't be. Check again.

-No. Definitely booked.

What?! Do know who I am? Hello! Mr Khan, community leader!

Next President of Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association!

I'm sorry.

Right, that's it. I want to speak to the proper manager.

I am the proper manager.

You know what I mean. The proper manager.

-'Proper'?

-The brown one.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

It's OK I get this a lot. I am a Muslim. I'm a convert.

Right. I'm not trying to be funny, mate,

but you can't be a proper Muslim, you see.

-Because I'm white?

-Because you're ginger.

What's that got to do with it?

You gingers are very different to the rest of us.

Not so calm, frickley freckley skin, Scottish.

-I'm not Scottish.

-You drink?

-I used to.

-You Scottish.

I think you might be being a teeny bit racist, Mr Khan.

Me? I'm Asian.

You are white, I'm racial.

It is more racist you calling me racist!

And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers.

It's forbidden in the Koran.

-Is it?

-Well, if it isn't, it should be.

It's the sacred word of God, never to be taken lightly.

Look, I've made my declaration of faith.

I observe the five pillars. And any way, doesn't the Koran teach us

that everybody is born a Muslim and so, in fact...

All right, don't take it SO seriously!

Look. Just get me in there and nobody needs to know.

I'm really sorry, Mr Khan, but the mosque is booked.

Look, Dave, you put me in a very difficult position.

What am I supposed to say to my wife and daughter?

I'm sure they'll understand.

You haven't met my wife and daughter.

Mrs Malik.

Thank you.

House looks nice.

-Thank you.

-The sofa's a little squeaky.

Thank you!

So clever what you've done in such a small space.

Thank you.

-Are you texting someone?

-No. I'm praying to Mecca.

There's an app for it now, innit?

Wow. Amazing.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ah, here is Mr Khan now.

Darling, your favourite gulab jamun is home!

Mrs Malik and Amjad are here!

Hello, Mrs Khan. How are you?

What a wonderful surprise, Mrs Malik.

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow. What delightful chance

brings you here 24 hours flipping early?

-Mrs Malik had some thoughts about the wedding.

-What? Again?

We're always talking about this bloody wedding.

Let's talk about something else.

Did anyone watch News At Ten last night?

Seven times they mentioned Pakistan, huh?!

Twice in a good way!

It's going to be a wonderful occasion.

The mosque is so lovely.

Mosque, shmosque.

Of course my husband is on the Mosque Committee.

Stop it now, Mrs Khan.

He's very close to the management, very influential.

I said stop it now, Mrs Khan!

Wedding, wedding, wedding!

I know. Let's play a game.

Alia, go get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, huh?

-Yes, Papaji.

-She's such a good girl.

You know, whoever marries this one will have a real jewel.

This one is OK, too.

Come on, Alia, choppity chop!

I don't think so.

You can be the doggy.

No, we should be going.

All right. Well, then, goodbye, Mrs Malik.

Won't you stay for something to eat?

She said she wants to go. What's wrong with you, woman?

But there's plenty of food.

-Let go of Mrs Malik.

-No, really.

Mr Malik is taking me out to an Indian restaurant tonight.

I want to look nice.

You'll need to give yourself plenty of time for that then, won't you?

So, we'll come round to see you tomorrow to discuss the guest list.

-Yes.

-Goodbye, Mrs Malik. Oh, hang on.

-There you go.

-I don't...

Better take two, huh? Indian restaurant.

-Bye, Shazia.

-Bye, Amjad.

Hey, I like your...hairclip.

All right! Put her down, will you?

Save that till after marriage. Goodbye, Amjad.

HE HUMS "DELILAH"

CONTINUES HUMMING

What was that all about?

-What do you mean?

-You didn't forget to book the mosque, did you?

HE SIPS LOUDLY

Ahhh.

Hmm?

The mosque. It's booked, isn't it?

You know, when you think about it,

is the mosque really the right place to have your wedding?

What have you done?

I just thought, wedding, mosque, something didn't feel right.

-We're Muslim!

-Yes, but what you have to remember is...

So we haven't got the mosque?

-No.

-Dad! How could you do this to me?

I told you as soon as we had the date for the wedding,

book the mosque, but you, oh no...

Leave him alone. It's not his fault! Is it, Papa?

No.

Whose fault was it, then?

It was Amjad's.

-What?

-Well, I told him to book it and he forgot.

I should've known.

He has a very limited mental capacity, that boy.

Looks like a God, thinks like a monkey.

-Amjad forgot to book the mosque!

-I don't believe it.

It's probably for the best, Papa.

Now you can hire somewhere less expensive.

Ah. I tell you. I love this girl.

She's a bloody marvel.

Almost like a son, she is!

We haven't got time to find anywhere else now!

There's lots of places. Conference centre,

leisure centre, all the centres.

He only had to do one thing.

Maybe he doesn't want to marry me.

Maybe it's a sign or something!

It's not a sign.

Oh, I'm so confused. I need some time to think.

You haven't got time to think!

The invitations will go out. People will book flights.

Oh, my God!

The wedding will be postponed and the shame will destroy us all!

Don't be ridiculous.

I think my heart has stopped. I'm dead! You've killed me!

Alia, your mother is upset. Bring fresh cup of tea.

And bring one for her too.

What are we going to say to the Maliks?

Nothing.

They don't need to know. She doesn't really mean it.

Soon she'll calm down and it will all be back to normal.

Your mother is always panicking for no reason.

Don't panic, Captain Mainwaring!

Chillax! Everything will be OK!

-Don't worry about letting the Maliks know.

-See?

I've texted Amjad. He'll tell them.

Now you can panic.

-Right, Amjad, you're here.

-Hello, sir.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

I've made a mosque out of Lego so I can work out where everything goes.

Right?

This is me and this is Shazia.

Obviously she's not as beautiful as she is in real life.

And I couldn't find any little brown people,

so I coloured her in with the felt tips.

-Right.

-I thought that the buffet could go here,

and the dance area could go...

Let's not worry about that now, eh?

The thing is, did you get a text from Shazia or not?

I haven't received any texts.

I used up all my battery trying to download the praying to Mecca app.

Why, what did it say?

Oh, nothing important.

It's just that Shazia is having

what we call in the Pakistani community "a bit of a wobble".

But I thought Shazia was as happy about this as I am.

She's happy. That's probably why she doesn't want to get married.

She's so damned happy!

She doesn't want to get married?

Not ever. Just not now.

Well...is there somebody else?

Unfortunately not.

Then maybe it's something I've done?

Maybe. You never know with womens.

Could be something you did, something you didn't do,

something you said, something you didn't say.

Best thing for you to do is just apologise for everything

and it'll all be tickity boo.

I know what's really happened here!

You do? Who told you?

I'm not good enough for her.

Oh, thank God.

Why would a girl like really be interested in someone like me?

It's a good question, but now is not the time to dwell on it.

She's out of my league.

-She's not.

-She's so beautiful.

Not really...

And she's clever and funny.

I'm telling you, she's not that great!

I've been kidding myself. She'll never want to marry me.

Of course she will. Now get up and get over there.

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

-What are you doing here, Dave?

-It's my office.

-Is everything all right?

-He's suffering from low self-esteem.

I'm not sure that's going to help.

You know, Mr Qureshi never used to come barging in like this.

I'm making a list of complaints about you, you know.

AMJAD SOBS

He's a bit upset because my daughter doesn't want to marry him any more.

-Maybe I can help?

-No, thank you.

This is all your fault in the first place.

If you'd let us book the mosque, none of this would've happened.

Is that why she's gone off me? Because you didn't book the mosque?

No!

Look I'm very sorry, Mr Khan.

I did try speaking to Mrs Bilal but she won't budge.

What's she got to do with it?

She's got the mosque on the day you want it.

Did you tell her it was for me?

Yeah, and that just made it worse.

But I'm a qualified counsellor. I've got a certificate!

This is a family matter, not Gingerholics Anonymous.

AMJAD SOBS

Hey...

Come on. You mustn't blame yourself. You have to stay positive.

Yes. Pull yourself together.

If she doesn't want to get married, you mustn't let it get you down.

-Exactly.

-You need to just carry on with your life.

Yes. Carry on.

There will be someone else out there for you.

Always someone... What do you mean, "someone else"?!

You're young. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

-Dave!

-He's right.

-No, he's not!

If Shazia has doubts about me,

maybe it's best if we never see each other again.

Let's talk just about this.

No, my mind's made up. Tell Shazia I'm sorry.

I forbid you to walk out that door!

I forbid you to walk out the other door!

DOOR SLAMS

This is going on the list, Dave!

Oh, my God! >

He'll come round!

Oh, my God!

-It'll be OK.

-Oh, my God!

It's difficult to have a conversation with you

when you're talking to someone else.

Shazia's locked herself in her bedroom.

Go and talk to her. Make her see sense.

What, me? I've got to go to my Association meeting.

Which one looks more Presidential?

The beigey brown one or the browny beige one?

Don't you want your daughter to be happy?

Don't you want her to have what we have?

Which is it? She can't have both.

But the Maliks are supposed to be coming round tomorrow.

They aren't coming round tomorrow, cos I'm meant to be going out.

Going out to do some shopping for Mummy.

So sweet.

Do you really think the Maliks will let Amjad call off the wedding?

Mr Malik knows the value of a good match.

We are a very important family in the community.

Don't ever forget that.

"BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY" PLAYS

Hello, Mr Malik!

-HE WHISPERS:

-This IS Mr Malik?

Yes!

Of course!

-I know.

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I know.

Yes, no problem, Mr Malik.

Thank you! OK. Goodbye, Mr Malik.

That was Mr Malik.

-And?

-The wedding is off.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, sweetie!

Can I come in?

I want to talk to you, darling.

It's me.

Your father.

Mr Khan.

I want to talk to you about something very important.

You. You are very important to me.

Open the bloody door... My sweetie darling.

Oh.

This is very nice. Lovely room.

I'm so glad we're having this heart to heart talk.

It feels very easy and not uncomfortable at all, does it?

Oh. I love these dresses and shoes, etc...

-Why are you doing this?

-Doing what, sweetie?

Pretending to care. I know Mum sent you up here.

No! Your mother didn't send me up here.

I didn't send him, beti, he came of his own accord! >

See? Look, beti.

I know you're hurting now,

but you must look to the future, and not think of the past.

The future is where good things happen,

and the past is filled with shame and sadness and failure.

-You know, when I first came to this country...

-Just tell her!

I am!

If Amjad cared about me he wouldn't have forgotten to book the mosque.

Right, sweetie. About the mosque.

It's not about the mosque. That's not even important.

Thank God for that!

I just need to be sure he loves me as much as I love him.

You're getting married. He's your fiancee.

What's love got to do with it?

You can't marry someone you're not in love with.

You fell in love with Mum, didn't you?

Eventually.

But it was touch and go.

Look, sweetie.

You get married to Amjad, you settle down, have some children.

It's not a bad life, is it?

But what if it's a mistake?

What if I go ahead with it and we're not right for each other?

And I spend the rest of my life regretting it

and dreaming of what might've been. You do understand don't you, Dad?

I can't force myself to marry someone.

I suppose.

But we're Pakistani. You can give it a go!

Well?!

-The wedding is off.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Don't start that again.

-She doesn't want to marry Amjad and I agree with her.

-Why?

Well, there's no rush. She's young and the boy's obviously an idiot.

What's that got to do with it?

What kind of woman wants to marry an idiot?

My life is over.

I'll never be able to show my face

at the Sparkhill Women's Day Group again.

Oh, well. I've got to go to my meeting now.

You don't want her to ever get married.

All you're interested in is money

and being big shot in the Business Association.

That's not true! I am also interested in the cricket!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, sir.

-Now listen to me, Amjad.

I have to talk to Shazia.

-You can't.

-Just give me two minutes.

She doesn't... What are you going to do in two minutes?

Three minutes then.

I'm sorry. It's too late. Her mind is made up.

-What do you mean?

-The wedding is off, so now you know. Goodbye.

Shazia! Oh, Shazia!

-Amjad?

-Shazia?

-You're wasting your time.

-Amjad!

-Oh, Shazia! I am so sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

No, I am sorry.

-No, I'm sorry.

-That's it, say your last goodbyes.

-Oh, Ladoo.

-Oh, Budhoo.

-Oh, Ladoo.

-Oh, Budhoo.

Now I'm confused. Is the wedding on or off?

-On, of course.

-But what about the mosque?

Never mind about the mosque.

Oh yeah. What about the mosque?

-I don't care about the mosque.

-Neither do I.

See, nobody cares about the mosque.

I do.

But don't worry, beti.

Your father will sort it all out. Won't you?

Of course.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I knew you'd come back for me. Could you feel me wishing it?

A little bit. But it was mainly the text from Alia.

-What?

-I just wanted you to be happy, sis.

Right, I'm going to do my homework in my room. Khuda hafiz.

Such a good girl.

I'm so glad the wedding is back on.

It was never off. These two are destined for each other.

And of course you worked wonders to get the mosque booked.

Oh I didn't do anything. It was all down to my husband.

However did you manage it?

I don't want to talk about it.

Don't worry, Mr Khan. You can drive the president another day.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

-Hello, Dave.

She's all yours.

Right. Come on then, Mrs Bilal. Let's get this over with.

As we agreed, one trip to Alton Towers,

but I'm not getting on any rides.

But you promised!

All right, maybe the log flume.

Aw, what about the pirate ship?

Shut up, Dave!

BHANGRA MUSIC

Bye, Dave!

Bye! Have a lovely time!

Remember, no toilet stops.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd