Episode 2 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

MUSIC

'They all know me. You like my suit?'

'Number one, Citizen Khan.'

-You all right in there, Naanijan?

-'Haan.'

(CLEARS PHLEGM)

Right, who's in the bathroom?

Don't tell me. Is it your grandmother again? Come on!

-Dad! She's 80 years old!

-When she went in, maybe!

-Dad!

-What? She's probably fallen asleep! Can you hear any splashing?

Exactly. Wakey wakey! We got Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast!

-I got to be out the house in half an hour.

-What's with the briefcase?

The Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham has invited me,

your father, Mr Khan, to their annual conference.

Sounds great!

Yes. I'll be networking with some of the most important small businessmen in the West Midlands.

We got lunch, dinner, and name-tag.

-How much did you have to pay?

-That's not important, Shazia.

The main thing is, your father is going up in the world.

You know, when I first came to this country I had nothing.

And here I am, now only 30 years later,

getting face time with the big knobs.

Very similar thing happened to Lord Sir Alan Sugars.

Come on! People are waiting!

At this rate, I won't get time for my three "shushes".

-What are they?

-Shave, shower and...

-Dad!

Shampoo!

FLUSH IS PULLED

Finally!

SHE SPEAKS URDU

Oh, God!

She's been here three weeks, and been stuck in the toilet every single day!

It's not broken, it's just sticky.

You have to lift it up, pull to the right and give it a firm yank.

-She can't do it.

-Mum told you to fix that lock.

Just lift it up and give it a firm yank!

Yeh kya keh raha hai idiot?

I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn't have to get his mother-in-law out of the toilet every morning.

Morning, Naanijaan. Everything OK?

Cha!

Haat! Haat!

-Amjad's here!

-Hello, Amjad.

-Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, Naanijan.

We've got to choose a colour for the bedroom for when we're married! What do you think of that one?

It's nice. What about my bedroom?

LAUGHTER

You won't have your own room when we're married, will you?

Well, where will I be sleeping then?

-In our room.

-"Our" room?

-Yeah.

-In the same bed?

Yeah.

What, every night?

Yeah.

Wow!

KHAN CLEARS PHLEGM LOUDLY

The novelty soon wears off.

I'm going to be late now.

Oh, look at this! Bloody paper complaining about immigration again.

-I don't know why you buy that paper.

-Because I agree with it!

There's too many bloody immigrants come in to this country.

-You're an immigrant, Dad.

-I'm not an immigrant, sweetie. I've been here 30 years!

Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans, coming over here, taking our jobs.

Jobs meant for us Pakistanis!

LAUGHTER

Dad!

All right, British Pakistanis!

So we are British, not Pakistani?

Look, we work hard, we go to mosque,

we pray to Allah five times a day, how much more British can you get?!

LAUGHTER

Where's my tea? I've got to go.

There's no milk in my chai.

Ah, we've run out. Naani had the last of it. She likes milky chai.

I can think of one immigrant I'd like to send home.

SHE SLURPS TEA

Ya hanh bohat sardi hai, uppar karo do central heating.

-She's cold, turn up the heating.

-It's already on max!

What does she want me to do, set fire to her salwaar?

LAUGHTER

Be nice to her, it's her birthday.

I'm making a special cake for her party tonight.

The whole thing is a big surprise so don't spoil it!

You don't want to surprise her too much, you might finish her off.

Have we got any party poppers?

LAUGHTER

-Remember, you're taking her shopping this afternoon.

-But I can't!

-Why not?

I'm going to my conference.

-Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham, I told you!

-You didn't tell me.

-I did!

-I want you to take her to M&S to buy cardigans.

-I can't do it!

It's a present for her. We have to get her a treat.

Ah, hang on. I've already got her a present.

Really? What is it?

A very special gift. Exclusive and unique. I got it from NHS Direct.

Especially designed for old ladies.

LAUGHTER

Look at that! Helmet part in case she falls over,

the bottles in here to stop dehydration.

She can put her milky chai in it.

-You can't give her that.

-Why not? Has she already got one?

-Just take her to the shops.

-But I can't.

-Take her now!

Fine! I'll do everything!

Naanijaan's on the sofa and now she can't get up again!

Oh, my God!

Be careful! She's an old lady!

All right, get out the way. stand back! Stand back!

Let the dog see the old goat.

LAUGHTER

Right, come on Naanijaan. On teen.

Ek, do, teen...

Come on! Up!

Yeh kiya kar raha uloo?

My back!

Oh, my God! Yeh kya hora ha hai Koi maddat kareh. Somebody help!

-What should I do?

-Grab her arms!

AH!

LAUGHTER

Perfect!

Hai! My back!

-I think it might be broken.

-Naani, are you OK?

-Haan.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

All right, Naanijan?

OK, Naani? You finish your chai, and then Mr Khan will take you shopping. Won't you?

Right! Fine! Then I'll get to my conference later.

Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque first - she likes to pray there.

But then I'll never make it!

I don't care about your conference. my mother is more important, OK?

Chalup, have a good time and we'll see you later.

-Right, come on then. Let's get this over with.

-Namaz.

-What?

-Namaz.

-No, we're going shopping. Not time for prayers, understand!

-Namaz!

-No-ho!

We're praying at the mosque! Masjid mein! Masjid mein!

You're facing the wrong way!

-Hanh?

-You're facing the wrong way! Galat hai! Oh, God!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know what I'll be praying for.

Areh jaldi karo namaz ka waqt hora ha hai.

I know it's nearly prayer time. We're at the mosque, aren't we?

-Asalaam alaikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. How's it going?

-Good.

-Just got one more to do.

-Did you hear that?

This would be a good time to go. You'd be at the front of the queue.

-The mother-in-law.

-Asalaam Alaikum.

-Asalaam Alaikum.

How are you enjoying Sparkhill?

It's OK. This is Omar. He's from Somalia.

Muslim like us, but he's got a funny accent.

Come on, this way.

What do think of the mosque? Good, eh?

Mujay lagra hai doctor waiting room.

All right. This is just the mosque office. Prayer room is down the corridor.

Hum kab ja rahey Marks and Spencers?

I thought you wanted to pray? Make your bloody mind up!

Namaz pehlay, phir cardigans.

Right, come on then, choppity chop.

Ladies' prayer room is second on the right.

You want to get in God's good books - you might be seeing him soon!

LAUGHTER

Mr Khan, can I have a quick word?

I'm making a phone call. Can you wait outside?

It is my office. I am the mosque manager.

ALl right. AlL right. I still don't know how you got this job.

What was it? Equal opportunity scheme for gingers?

LAUGHTER

Oh, hello, Mr Bhutt?

Yes, it's Mr Khan speaking.

No, Mr Khan. Khan.

K, H for Hat, A for Asian, N for Knowledge.

Yes, that's me. I'm supposed to be coming to the conference...

-Mr Khan, have you parked in the...

-I'm on the phone, Dave!

Yes, I was wondering, if you don't come to the lunch,

can you get some money back?

No. I see.

No, don't remove my place name!

-Mr Khan...

-Oh, no. That's my secretary, Margaret.

A cup of tea, darling. Two sugars and a couple of ginger nuts.

Yes, yes. I'm still coming.

Yes. OK. I'm coming. I'll be there. OK. OK. Bye. OK. OK. Bye.

What do you want?

I couldn't help noticing you're parked in the disabled bay.

Mr Qureshi never minded.

Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in a retirement home in Balsall Heath

and those bays are only for people with genuine disabilities.

-That's not very Muslim, is it?

-Sorry?

Well, this kind of discrimination, not very Muslim.

-I'm afraid I don't follow.

-Ah, well, you're new to this game.

What you have to remember, Dave, is that God, Muslim God,

he's a very nice fellow. He sees all men the same.

Man with one leg, one arm. Those ones with the really big head.

-He doesn't care. We're all equal, you see?

-Right.

So you giving a special parking space to disableds

is going against the teachings of Islam.

I don't think that's what I'm...

We're all the same in God's eyes, Dave.

And if I have to park in the disabled space to prove it, then I will.

Couldn't you just move your car?

I mean, what if someone less able than you needs it?

-I got someone less able.

-What?

-How about that then?

Look at her. She's practically falling apart.

Mein khudhkhushi karloongi agar nahin jarai Marks & Spencer.

All right. I'm taking you.

I didn't realise you had an elderly person with you.

She's the mother-in-law.

-Yeh kaun hai?

-This is Dave, Naani. The mosque manager.

I know, I can't get my head round it either.

-Asalaam alaikum.

-Waleikum Asalaam.

-Can I get you anything? Cup of tea?

-Ek cup garam cha PG Tip.

All right. We haven't got time for that! I've got to go to my business conference.

They're serving minestrone soup for lunch.

Go on. Get your coat.

I tell you, she's a bloody nightmare, Dave.

Praying every five minutes.

God must be sick of the sight of her.

If she's not praying, she's peeing.

Don't the scholars teach us to look after our elders

and treat them with the utmost respect?

They weren't hanging around the ladies' bogs on the Stratford Road.

Looking after old people can be tricky.

I've got the mosque lady pensioners in today. Some of them can be a bit of a handful, I can tell you.

-Dave?

-Hmm?

Maybe I can leave Naani here with you?

-You can take her to the shops for me.

-Oh, er, I don't think I can.

Why not? She's no trouble. You've got the other ones in anyway.

Yes, but they're planning a day of reading from the Qur'an.

There's plenty of time for that.

You want to get these old birds some retail therapy.

Take her to the Bullring. She'll love it.

-I suppose I could take the minibus.

-There you go.

-We could make it a regular thing.

-Brilliant.

-Help to integrate the mosque worshippers with the wider community.

It's been a long time since anyone's integrated her, I tell you.

Hey! You'll be getting a ride on the minibus. Good, eh?

SHE TUTS

Oh, she loves you. I can tell.

You're going to have a great time.

Just point her in the direction of the knitwear section and let her go.

She'll be happy as Barry.

Does she know her way around town?

Oh, yes. If the town you're talking about is Rawalpindi.

I'm just thinking, you know, it's a big place.

Don't worry. I've got just the thing.

There you go.

You'll spot her a mile away.

Have fun.

OK. Bye.

Name tag? Check. Suit? Check. Briefcase...

Oh, buddy.

Hurry up. Naanijaan will be back any minute now.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, no. The guests are arriving already.

Oh, that'll be Mrs Ramiz. She did say she was going to come early.

Alia, go and answer the door.

Surprise party? How exciting.

-Yes!

-Of course, most elderly people don't like surprises.

But I'm sure your mother is different.

-Yes.

-So, how old is she going to be?

-She's 80.

-80!

So she must have had you when she was very young.

I love surprise parties.

Hey. Maybe I can organise a surprise party for you for our wedding?

But you've told me now.

-Yes?

-So it won't be a surprise.

Ah, yes.

Hey, Mummy, did you know that when we are married

we get to sleep in the same bed every night.

-Dad!

-Alia.

-Where's Naanijan?

She's, er, at the mosque, praying. Dave's looking after her.

-Now, where's your mother?

-In the kitchen.

-Right. Have you seen my briefcase?

-Why?

-It's got all my important papers in it.

-It might be upstairs.

-Great.

I must say, I do like your outfit.

Oh, thank you. It's new.

Don't tell Mr Malik.

Of course.

It's just so nice to have an excuse to dress up, though.

It is.

So what will you be wearing?

I... Er, Shazia, why don't you take Mrs Malik through to the parlour?

The what?

The room with the TV.

Mrs Ramiz, what are you doing in here?!

I'll just leave you to, er...

Why didn't you lock the door, you silly Billy?

-It's broken.

-Don't worry. We'll be out of here in a jiffy.

There's a knack to this. You just have to...

HE GRUNTS

Don't worry, Mrs Ramiz. We'll be out of here in a moment.

You just have to lift it up, pull to the right and give it a firm yank.

-Uh?

-Is that you, Amjad?

-Yes.

-I'm in here with Mrs Ramiz.

-OK.

-We're stuck.

-OK. Shall I go get Mrs Khan?

No! Don't bother her with this.

Just go and get me some WD40.

Why don't you take a seat?

I wonder why Mum's taking so long to get ready?

She must be redoing her hair and make up as well.

-Do you think?

-Well, I hope so.

Ahhh, Mr Khan. Asalaam alaikum.

Waleikum Asalaam, Mrs Malik. No Mr Malik?

-Working.

-Always working, huh?

I think it's more important to spend time with the people you love.

I'm always telling Mrs Khan.

To us, family is family.

Her mother is my mother.

Her children are my children.

Very laudable, I'm sure.

That's me. Family comes first.

-Right. I'm going to my business conference.

-What?

Pakistani Business Association Of Birmingham.

If I hurry, I'll just catch Mr Butt's PowerPoint presentation

on the history of Cash and Carrys in the West Midlands.

-Hello, darling. Goodbye, darling.

-Er, where's Naani?

-Did you take her to M&S?

-Yes, of course.

But she wanted to do more praying. You know what she's like.

I couldn't get her off the floor.

OK. But the rest of the guests will be arriving soon.

Everyone's coming.

Even Mrs Ramiz has shown her face.

She's shown a lot more than that.

Naani can't be late for her own party.

Don't worry. Dave is bringing her.

-She'll be here any moment.

-Yeah, but...

Chillax, sweetie. It'll all be OK.

DOORBELL RINGS There you go. See?

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

All right. All right. Keep your hair on.

-Hello, Dave.

-She's gone, Mr Khan.

-What?

-Naanijan, I've lost her.

-What do you mean, you've lost her?

How can you lose an 80-year-old Pakistani woman?

I got confused. There are too many of them.

Careful, Dave. That sounds a bit racist.

-I just meant they all look the same.

-That's better.

One minute, she was with me. Then I had to take Mr Farzai to the toilet.

-I can't believe this.

-Neither could I.

-What's going on?

Nothing.

What are you doing?!

Let's have a little chat in here.

But where's Naani? You said Dave was bringing her.

-Yes, absolutely right.

-So where is she?

-Dave?

-Well, the thing is...

What happened was...

Don't tell me you've lost my mother!

No, of course not. She's not lost. We know exactly where she is.

-Where?

-Dave?

In Millets.

I thought you said she was praying?

Dave! How many times have I told you? Don't let her pray in Millets.

Well, I know she wanted a cardigan,

but I thought a fleece might be more practical

and they've got great outdoor gear.

Outdoor gear?

Dave! She's going home to Pakistan.

She's not white-water rafting with Bear-bloody-Grylls.

So you left her in the shop with an assistant?

-Yes.

-Exactly. So it's all fine, you see?

She was trying to choose between the half zip and full zip, you see.

I said the full zip might be better because you don't have to pull it over your head

-which can be quite tricky for an elderly person.

-All right, Dave. Don't overdo it.

OK. But what am I supposed to tell all the guests?

It's OK. We're going to go and get her and it will all be tickety boo.

Well, go on then!

Have you seen my mother-in-law? She's an old woman like this...

Naani?

Naani?

It's OK. I'm just praying.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Naani? Hold on!

Naani. Excuse me. Excuse me, lady.

Excuse me. Naani?

Oh, God.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

SIREN WAILS

What?! I'm looking for an old woman.

Mr Khan.

Right. It's simple. I just need to tell

Mrs Khan her mother is at the bottom of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal.

Now come on. We don't know that for sure. The police are still trawling

and they haven't found anything yet.

-You're right. We don't really know what's happened.

-She might be fine.

Exactly. For all we know, she could be in the cafe at Marks & Spencer

having a cup of tea with a bag full of cardigans.

The main thing is we have to be very sensitive

when we break the news to Mrs Khan.

Yes.

Do you want to do it?

I think it would be better coming from you.

-Right.

-You have to sit her down

and then give her time to digest the news in a quiet place

where she feels safe and calm.

OK.

ALL: Surprise!

-Where's the birthday girl?

-What?

-Where's Naanijan?

-What?

-Is she outside?

-What?

-Why don't you bring her in?

We've been waiting for ages.

I don't think we should bring her in here with all this jumping up

and everyone making noise.

-It's a surprise party!

-Bring her in, Papaji.

In a minute, sweetie.

-She is here, isn't she?

-Mmm?

-Why won't you bring her in?

-He's done something.

I knew it. He's always doing something.

-Is she late?

-Yes.

-How late?

-Very.

Naani's very late. She's...

the late Naani.

Has something happened to her?

-No.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-No.

-Maybe.

-Where's Naani?

-Hello, sweetie. Why don't you sit down?

Why?

I'm coming to that. But first, one question.

About Naani, I can't remember,

was she a good swimmer?

What's that got to do with anything?

Never mind. Look...

The thing is...

there comes a time when we must bid farewell to our loved ones.

They've had a good innings,

but when the great umpire in the sky shows you the finger,

it's time to take that long walk back to the pavilion.

Naani, caught canal, bowled God for 80.

And she is out.

Or not out!

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!

Bohat dher lagati stupid number 37 bus.

Aww, Naani.

Happy birthday.

Surprise!

Right. I'm going to my business conference.

They'll be serving trio of desserts.

That's when the real business happens, anyway.

What? What is it?

What is it?! You lost my mother!

Yes, but then we found her again, so it's all back to normal. OK?

Finished.

She was wandering out there all alone.

Anything could have happened to her. She could have been run over.

-Yes, but...

-She could have been mugged.

-I know, but...

She could have been picked up and taken advantage of.

OK. Let's not get carried away now.

You've never liked her.

Me? Of course I like her.

When she's here, all you do is moan. You can't wait to be rid of her.

That's not true. I love having her here. It's great.

-What do you love about having her here?

-Everything.

-Like?

-Like...

The praying. The shuffling.

How she hums under her breath in the morning.

The way she spits in the fireplace.

Seeing her crinkly old face come out the bathroom in the morning.

She is leaving soon, isn't she?

She'll be safely back in Pakistan

and you'll never have to see her again.

Until the next time.

Now what?

What if there is no next time?

How do you mean?

We have to face it, she's an old lady.

She'll go back to Pakistan and I'll never see her again.

SHE SOBS

Hey. Come on.

Don't be sad.

We've all got to go sometime.

SHE WEEPS

Right.

OK. Why doesn't Naanijan come and live with us?

-What?

-Naanijan...

She can come and live with us. She doesn't need to go back to Pakistan.

Ever?

No.

You mean it?

Ah.

Thank you.

It's all right.

-Now I can see her as much as I want.

-Yes.

And the girls get to spend time with her.

Yes. A little bit more time before, you know, she...

HE MOANS

What do you mean?

You know, she's getting old and...

No. It'll all be fine.

Mrs Akmal's mother came to live with them

and she lived to be 104.

Oh, God!

Goodbye. Thank you for coming.

We've had a wonderful time. We must do this again soon.

Well, there's no rush, eh? Thank you.

Goodbye. Khuda Hafiz.

Naani,

we have something very exciting to tell you.

-Don't we?

-Yes.

Er, we have decided that you don't need to go back to Pakistan.

You can stay here and live with us in our house

for your final years. Or the rest of your days. You know, whichever.

Mujay yah nahi rehna yeh toh paagal khana hai.

Aur Birmingham?

Shithole!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd