Episode 3 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader.

They all know me. You like my suit?

PHONE RINGS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

Hello, Mr Khan speaking. What?

Yes, I am interested in saving money on energy bills.

Yes, you can tell me all about the benefits of switching tariffs.

I'm very keen to hear all about it. Mr Khan. Yes, Pakistani name.

Why, where are you calling from? India?

Bloody cheek!

-Can you come upstairs for a minute?

-OK.

-I'm in our room, hurry up!

-OK, I'm coming.

-What are you doing?

-Help me push the beds together.

-What? Why?

-So you can do your duty like a good husband should.

But it's not my birthday for another three months!

I'm making space next to the sink so you can fix it.

Oh, thank God for that.

Have you thought any more about where we're going on our holidays this year?

Your husband is a very busy man, my darling,

I haven't got time to think about holidays.

Today is the AGM at the mosque and I've got an item on the agenda.

Good, huh? The renaming of the community room.

You know, I think it needs to be something that represents

ALL the people of Sparkhill.

I am going to suggest they name it "Mr Khan, Community Leader's

"Community Room and Corporate Hospitality Suite. VIP Only".

Catchy, no?

This will be our last year together as a family

before Shazia gets married.

We should do something special, something exotic.

What's wrong with normal holiday?

Staying with your cousin in Bradford? Not exotic.

What about staying at cousin's in Oldham?

Why don't we splash out?

Use our rainy day money.

You're forgetting one thing about rainy day money, my darling.

-What's that?

-It's for rainy day. You have to think of the future.

We are fit and healthy now, but what happens when you're an old lady

-and you can't look after yourself any more? Hmm?

-Hmm?

Exactly. We're going to have to pay for someone to come in.

To cook my dinner.

And iron my shirts.

You see, Mrs Khan, head for thinking, feet for dancing.

But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places.

Do you know where he's taking her this year?

Dubai, three weeks, just the two of them.

I don't know who to feel more sorry for.

-Why can't we ever go somewhere like that?

-Bradford's better than Dubai.

How is Bradford better than Dubai?

More Muslims!

OK, then why don't we go somewhere closer to home?

I know, let's go back to Great Yarmouth.

You remember we had our special holiday there?

-No.

-It was just after we were married

-and we stayed in that rickety old caravan.

-I can't remember.

Yes, you can. It poured with rain.

But we were up all night anyway.

Oh, yes, of course! What a night that was.

Pakistan were playing India!

And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio.

Yes, and then?

And then Pakistan won!

The best night of my life.

I mean after the cricket. You wore your Pakistan top

-and then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own.

-Oh, God!

And then next spring, out popped little Shazia.

HE YELPS

Catch it, budhoo!

SHE BLOWS A KISS

Got it... Oh no, I dropped it!

It's OK, I got it again.

You know, sometimes I can't believe we're getting married, can you?

It's amazing. Do you know, your dad said it's the most incredible thing he has ever heard.

And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it?

Yes, lots! Almost like every night.

I meant where we're going to go.

OK. We can go anywhere you want.

-Really?

-Yes, as long as it doesn't cost more than...£25.

Oh.

It's just I've always had this dream of being on a beautiful island.

There's white sand and clear, blue sea,

and then I see someone running towards me along the beach

and I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster

and then we meet and I look up at him

and I realise he's my one true love.

Who is it?

You, budhoo!

Oh, yes.

-Hello, sir.

-Amjad, what are you doing here?

-I've come to see Shazia.

-You're always coming to see Shazia.

-We are getting married.

You don't need to remind me. But why do you have to see her every bloody day?

You want to keep up some of the mystery. A bit of romance, Amjad.

You know, Mrs Khan wanted to see me all the time

when we first got engaged,

but I said, "No, you'll ruin the mystery.

"The most romantic thing we can do is to avoid each other completely."

He was right about that.

Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie?

Mmm! What's this?

Oh, it's for our honeymoon. But we can't afford it.

Good! Honeymoon is English invention.

Don't spend money. Now, that's Pakistani invention.

Maybe we should just go somewhere cheap in England.

I know a good place - family-run guest house in Bradford.

-I can get you a good deal.

-Where was it you and Mum used to go?

-Great Yarmouth, wasn't it?

-No.

-I thought you used to go there before we were...

-No.

Your mother and I have never been to Great Yarmouth, ever!

-Why don't we help them out?

-What?

Let's use our rainy day money to pay for their honeymoon.

No bloody way!

We're splashing out on a holiday anyway,

why don't we just use the lot?

-Eh?

-That would be so amazing.

Hello?!

I know it sounds expensive, but I've found a really good deal

on a trip to the Maldives.

Bloody Maldives?!

Sweetie, you know I'd love to help you.

But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays.

-It's OK, Dad, I understand.

-Yes, so.

-Papaji?

-Mmm?

-Can I have some spending money for my holiday?

-Of course, sweetie.

-What holiday?

The Mosque study group summer camp. Dad's paying for me to go.

There you go.

-Aww, there you go!

-Thanks!

Look at that. Perfect Muslim daughter.

It's like having our own little imam. But without the beard.

You're paying for her holiday?

I thought you said you can't spend money on holidays.

Shazia, you shouldn't talk about money all the time.

It's very vulgar.

I never got to go on a summer camp.

Why is everything a competition with you two?

Why are you constantly comparing yourself to your sister?

-You're both very special in your own unique ways.

-Ahh.

But she's a bit better.

You never do anything nice for me.

-I'm paying for your bloody wedding.

-On the cheap!

Everything's a bargain basement deal.

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

So she gets to go on a nice holiday and I don't?

Alia's trip is part of her studies.

They will be reading the Koran, learning about Islam

and how to be a better Muslim.

At a Turkish beach resort?

Turkey is a Muslim country, isn't it?

You do know there'll be boys there?

Yes, I know there are boys in Turkey, thank you.

I mean on Alia's trip. Boys are going too.

Boys? I didn't know anything about boys.

They always go together. It's co-educational.

Yes, but what about...ting-ting?

-What?

-You know, ting-ting.

It's a Muslim religious study camp.

So what, do you think Muslims don't do ting-ting?

Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do.

Islam is not the fastest growing religion in the world for nothing.

Muslims all over the world are doing ting-ting left, right and centre.

-Maybe some of them.

-Alia is young and vulnerable.

One of us needs to talk to her.

-OK.

-One of us needs to go in there

and explain everything about...you know, ting-ting.

We need to warn her of the dangers lurking out there

in the real world. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Someone could take advantage of her. Her life could be ruined for ever.

You're right. I think you should tell her.

She'll probably be fine.

Yeah, my dad said I can go. I know, I can't believe it.

And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked.

MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Got to go, laters.

Hello, sweetie. How's it going? Good? Good.

-What are you reading?

-The History Of Islam.

-Oh, I want to read that.

Don't tell me how it ends, eh?

Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important.

OK, Papaji.

Now, I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now,

but one day you realise there are other things in the world.

-Like boys.

-OK.

But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls.

-Are they not?

-No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds.

What's that?

HE GULPS

Cricket.

-Cricket?

-Yes.

-I don't like cricket.

-I know. And that's good.

But one day you might decide that you do like...cricket.

-I don't think so. It's dead boring.

-You're right. It is.

But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,

and he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch.

And you might think, "Well, there's no harm in watching."

But then he shows you his bat.

And his pads. And his helmet.

And the next thing you know, the covers are off,

you're letting him play on your pitch

and you've been caught out by his googlie!

-Do you see?

-Sort of.

-Good.

You know, I thought that was going to be difficult,

but it was actually very easy.

Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing?

Don't forget item three on the agenda, vote for me.

-Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed.

-You all right?

-How's Mrs Mohammed?

-All right.

-Good, smashing, smashing, smashing.

Don't tell me, it's Mr Mohammed, isn't it?

Hope I can count on your vote, sir?

-Course you can.

-Very good, very good.

-Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan.

-Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz.

What's that, the agenda?

Note item number three, renaming the community room after a certain prominent member of the community.

-Who?

-Me!

-Oh.

-I've got it in the bag.

-I've been working the room, selling the idea.

-So it's going well?

Oh, really well.

I spoke to that guy over there for ten minutes, he was lapping it up.

He has nothing to do with the mosque.

He's here to fix the photocopier.

MR KHAN GIGGLES

Well, you know, anyway, they're bound to go for it.

I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

-You're going to vote for me, aren't you?

-Yes, yes.

Oh, yes. Aren't we, Omar?

-Oh, yes, we will.

-Excellent.

Hang on a minute, what are you doing here?

You're not even on the bloody committee.

I am taking the minutes of the meeting on the computer.

-He's our technical wizard.

-Him?

-That's what I used to do back in Somalia.

-You worked in IT?

-No, he was a wizard.

Right, take your seats quickly, please, gentlemen, if you'd be so kind.

Yes, yes, come on, we haven't got all day.

-Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there.

-Well, sit somewhere else.

-Yes, but it is my office.

-So?

-And I am chairing the meeting.

I thought I was chairing the meeting.

I always chaired the meeting when Mr Qureshi was here.

-But I'm the mosque manager now.

-Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM.

It stands for Annual General Meeting,

not Association of Ginger Muslims.

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Nevertheless.

-So where am I supposed to sit?

-Woo-hoo!

HE BANGS HIS GAVEL

Right. Assalaamu alaikum, everybody.

-ALL BESIDES MR KHAN: Wa alaikum assalam.

-Hello, Dave.

I'd like to call this Annual General Meeting

of the Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque Committee to order.

First things first, apologies for absence.

Just a couple this week, Mr Malik has a prior engagement,

and Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done.

-At last.

-Thank God for that.

-Now, on to the agenda.

Item one, the women's group would like a new minibus

for their day trips, and bigger ladies' toilets.

All those in favour?

Motion denied.

Item two, Mr Hafiz would like a giant screen in the meeting room

for watching the cricket.

All those... Motion carried.

-Which brings us on to item three.

-This is me.

-A late addition, a charity auction.

-Oh, come on!

As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium

and Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque.

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN: Oooh!

All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund.

APPLAUSE

Can't we have this later? We've got more important things to do.

Well, charity is one of the five pillars of Islam.

Yeah, one. There are four more.

So, we will be auctioning this magnificent prize right here, today.

So I hope you've all brought your cheque books.

What's this about an auction?

-It's an extraordinary item, inserted at the last minute.

-Nobody told me.

-I sent you the e-mail.

-That was from you?

I thought that was one of those dodgy Nigerian con artists.

Why don't you like charity auction?

It's for a good cause, digging wells for Pakistani villages.

What? They should dig it themselves. I'm a Pakistani,

but I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing.

-You don't have to bid.

-Don't worry. I'm not going to.

But then people might think you are a bit stingy.

And they might not vote to name the community room after you.

Oh, God. No wonder Malik's not turned up,

he just didn't want to put his hand in his pocket.

-Hello, sir.

-Amjad, what are you doing here?

-Daddy sent me.

He didn't want to miss the auction so he sent me in his place.

I have to ring him on my mobile and do the telephone bidding.

All for show, no doubt.

-No. He wants to win the auction, money's no object.

-What do you mean?

He said no matter what anybody bids, he's going to bid more.

So let me get this straight. Say somebody - call them Mr K -

I mean, Mr X - bids in the auction,

your father, Mr Malik, will bid more?

-Yes.

-No matter how much Mr X bids?

-Yes.

Even if it's loads of money,

and everyone says, "Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man."

-Yes. Why?

-No reason.

Right, without further ado, let's get on with it, shall we?

Who'll start the bidding for me? Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

-Who'll get the ball rolling?

-One hundred pound.

£100 to start us. Thank you, Mr Jalil.

-Two hundred pound.

-Two hundred pound.

-Are you going to bid?

-In a minute.

Three hundred pounds.

Three hundred pound from Amjad, bidding on behalf of Mr Malik.

-Three hundred and one pounds.

-Right, OK.

Three hundred and one from Mr Khan.

Three hundred and two pounds.

Three hundred and...four pounds.

Three hundred and five pounds.

Three hundred and six pounds.

One thousand pounds!

EVERYONE GASPS

-Bloody hell!

-Thank you, a proper bid at last.

Now we're up and running. A thousand pounds. Any advance on that?

-What's wrong? The money too strong for you?

-Not at all.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Any advance on a thousand pounds? Anyone?

£1,100.

£1,100. Thank you, Mr Khan.

-£1,200.

-£1,200 straight away from Mr Malik.

-£1,500!

-Fifteen hundred pound!

-£1,600.

-Mr Malik's right back in there. Looks like he's going to take some beating.

£1,900!

£2,000.

ALL: Oooh!

Such a lot of money.

OK. The bid is £2,000. Are we all done?

£2,500!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!

-Hey, big spender.

-Any advance on 2,500?

Amjad?

Amjad! Come on, bid!

-I think I might have run out of credit.

-What?

I've been texting Shazia all day, like you told me to.

Right, the bid is 2,500, any advance on that? No?

-Hang on a minute, Dave. Call him back.

-How?

-Here, use my phone.

-Are you sure, sir?

Shazia says you never let anybody use your phone.

-Just call him.

-OK.

-2,500 going once.

-No, it isn't.

-Come on, Amjad.

-Um...

-What's the problem?

-I can't remember his number.

-It's in my phone!

-No, it isn't.

-It is!

-It isn't. Look, there's nothing under "Daddy".

-It's under Mr Malik!

-Oh, yes.

-2,500 going twice.

-Dave, I told you, stop the going.

-It's ringing.

-Last chance. Anyone else at all.

-Come on!

Hello? Daddy?

-I will sell, make no mistake.

-Hang on, Dave. Amjad, say something!

Oh!

It's gone to voicemail.

Sold, for £2,500! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wait a minute, I didn't mean to.

Wait... I didn't mean... Oh, twaddi.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I must say, I didn't expect you to outbid Mr Malik like that.

Nor did I! Now what am I going to do?

-That was our rainy day money.

-It was a very generous bid.

It's not a bid, it's a death sentence.

My wife's going to kill me.

You never know, she might be quite pleased.

That I spent £2,500 on a carpet? I don't think so.

Oh, it's not a carpet, Mr Khan.

Don't tell me it's bloody lino?

It's luxury family holiday, courtesy of Mr Butt's Travel Agency.

-You're joking?

-No. It's all inclusive. Flights, hotels, the lot.

Dave, I love you. You great big ginger beer!

You saved my life!

-You're welcome.

-It's fantastic. Luxury holiday. Where to?

It's an Umrah trip. A pilgrimage to Mecca.

Maybe I should just forget about the honeymoon

until we can afford to go somewhere nice.

Don't worry, Beti.

Your father will be back soon and you never know,

you may have a treat in store.

-Hello, I'm home!

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY

Here he is now.

-Ah, there you all are.

-Hello, Papaji.

Hello, hello. Everything all right?

How was your day?

Very good. Excellent. No problems at all.

Have you got anything to tell us?

-No, I don't think so.

-Maybe to Shazia?

-No.

Did you get the money?

-Not exactly.

-What?

-Better than that.

Shazia, you know you're always saying I never do anything for you?

Well, I've only just gone and arranged your honeymoon.

-Seriously?

-Yep, all booked, bought and paid for.

-What is it?

-It's amazing, that's what it is.

-Just tell her.

-I don't want to spoil it.

-Is it a surprise?

-Oh, yes.

-At least give me a clue. Is it abroad?

-Huh.

Proper abroad, not like when we got the ferry to Calais

and sat in the car while you went round the cash and carry?

Do you know how much I saved on garlic and onions?

I'm not having my honeymoon in the hypermarket!

Chillax! You're going on aeroplane, staying in hotel,

-all expenses paid.

-Really?

-So will there be sun?

-Oh, yes.

-And sea?

-It's NEAR the sea.

-And sand?

-There's sand, all right.

-I think I know!

-Do you?

-The place where we're going, does it begin with "M"?

-Yes.

-Oh, my God!

Oh - my - God!

You're getting warmer.

Thanks, Dad. Thank you so much!

-That's all right.

-I'm sorry I said you never did anything for me.

-It's all right.

-And I'm sorry I said you were a cheapskate.

-And...

-Yes, OK, OK. You don't need to keeping going on about it.

Well done. And what about our holiday, did you book that?

-Ah, just like you wanted.

-Is it as exciting as Shazia's?

-Very similar.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

And is it Muslim-friendly? Will there be halal food?

You've got no worries there.

-Oh!

-This is so great.

I can't believe I get to go to the Maldives!

Not Maldives. Mecca!

-What?

-Mecca?

I booked you an Umrah trip.

-I'm spending my honeymoon in Mecca?!

-I know. Good, eh?

-And what about us? Where are we going?

-Same place.

-We're going on their honeymoon?

-It's a family package.

-We can't go with them on their honeymoon!

-Why not?

They want to be alone. They want some privacy.

Oh, no, they won't.

It's a pilgrimage, no ting-ting allowed.

Oh, my God! Mum?

-I'd love to go to Mecca, Papaji.

-Thank you, Alia.

At least SOMEONE appreciates my efforts.

I can't though, cos I'm going to Turkey.

-Not any more you're not, I spent all your money on this.

-Dad!

We're not even staying in a nice hotel.

Oh, no. It's one of Mr Butt's packages, isn't it?

-We'll be lucky if we even have running water.

-I thought you loved me, but now you've ruined my life.

Why, why do you do this every time?

Chup! Listen to yourselves.

Do you want to know why I booked a trip to Mecca? I'll tell you.

I went to the travel agents to book your holiday to the Maldives

and everywhere else, but then I thought, "No.

"Why are we doing this? Why are we being so selfish?"

This is a spiritual journey that we are expected to take

together as a family. We are Muslims, after all, in case you'd forgotten that.

This is a pilgrimage.

It's not about money and expensive shoes and five-star hotels.

Do you think the Prophet stayed at the Hyatt Regency? I don't think so.

-Shame on you!

-Your father is right.

-Sorry, Dad.

-It's OK.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Alia, get the door.

We were being selfish.

Yes, you were.

Going to the Maldives was just a silly dream.

-It's not what really matters.

-You're right.

You know, sometimes in life you have to realise

it's not all about me, me, me, me, me.

-It's Dave.

-Congratulations, Mr Khan!

-What?

-In honour of your outstandingly generous contribution

to the mosque charity appeal,

we have indeed decided to name the community room after you!

APPLAUSE BUILDS

-This is so unexpected.

-We did the sign like you wanted.

I didn't ask for a sign.

Let's not make a song and dance about it.

DHOL DRUMMING AND MUSIC

The important thing is, this is not all about me.

You've ruined your daughter's honeymoon and our last family holiday together.

You've spent every penny we have in order to get some ping-pong room named after you.

And you haven't even fixed the sink!

MUSIC STOPS

Awkward.

OK, Shazia, you can have your honeymoon in the Maldives.

-What? How?

-I don't want to talk about it.

Your father has spoken to Mr Malik. He has agreed to buy the Umrah trip

in exchange for the community room being named after him instead.

-Oh, my God! Dad, are you sure?

-Of course he's sure.

Our daughter's happiness is more important.

Great! And I can go on my trip to Turkey.

No. The rest of the money, we're spending on a luxury family holiday.

But you said your daughter's happiness was more important.

Not as important as your mother's happiness.

It's a static caravan in Great Yarmouth.

I know. It's going to be wonderful.

And now, your father and I are going up to our bedroom

and we are not to be disturbed.

-How long for?

-Ten minutes should do it.

HE LAUGHS MEEKLY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd