Episode 4 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

the capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader!

They all know me... you like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan!

Testing, testing, one, two.

# There's a Brown girl in the ring, tum te tum te tum! #

-KNOCKING

-Dad!

Oh, fiddlesticks!

What are you doing in there? We've been waiting ages!

I'm recording something for the mosque committee,

they're doing a new call to prayer.

It's very prestigious job!

Ooh!

Come on, Papaji.

Oh!... What the hell is that?

It's hair-removing cream.

-But you don't have hair there.

-Exactly.

Come on, beti, you don't need to use that muck! And, Alia, you don't need it either!

Is it any good?

Mum, look at that. It's the outfit Amjad's going to buy me when he gets his promotion.

I can't believe Amjad is going to get promoted.

Nor can I.

You're so lucky your fiance is such a go-getter.

Sweetie, darling! Have you seen a bag with all my old cassette tapes in?

No. What do you think of these?

Very nice. What is it?

For Shazia's wedding. I need a new outfit.

Another one? You got a new outfit for our wedding.

You want me to look like a cleaning lady at my own daughter's wedding?

You're supposed to be looking after your family.

Yeah, get her the outfit, Dad.

Enough! I do a very good job of looking after this family.

I am like the lion at the head of the pride.

You don't realise how hard it is.

There is more to see than can ever be seen,

more to do than can ever be done. The circle of life. Hakuna Matata!

What are you doing with that old thing?

Ah, the mosque committee have decided they need a new person for the call to prayer,

and guess who is in charge of finding the right voice?

Dave?

Me! I am the figurehead of the call-to-prayer campaign.

Like Malcolm X.

Or Martin Luther Vandross.

So you're going to have a dignified debate about who to choose?

No, I'm going to have auditions like on the X Factor!

That's what this is for. You know...

if this works out, the Mosque Committee might even make me a trustee.

What exactly is a trustee?

I don't know...

..but I bet they get a parking space.

Maybe I'll audition for it. I've got a good voice.

It has to be a man, Shazia.

-Then, what about Amjad?

-It has to be a man, Shazia.

He's getting a promotion, actually.

At the Phoneshop? You mean he won't have to wear that silly foam mascot costume any more?

Dad! He hasn't had to do that in ages.

Enough. Let's eat!

-DOORBELL

-That'll be Amjad. I'll get it.

Come on, come on, I'm starving. I got my auditions tomorrow, I've got to keep my strength up.

-We're waiting for Amjad.

-What are we waiting for Amjad for?

I'm the head of the house and I'm already here! So, come on, let's eat!

I've made him a special meal to celebrate his promotion.

My son-in-law, the executive, I'm so proud!

Why are we treating him like royalty all of a sudden?

Don't be ridiculous. Nobody's treating him like royalty.

Here he is!

The King of Sparkhill!

Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, sir.

Hello, Amjad.

We're all so proud of you!

Well, it's not definite yet, I still have to pass the interview.

I'm a bit worried, actually, I don't think I come across very well in interviews.

Why not, budhoo?

They keep asking me questions.

Yes, that would do it.

Of course he's going to get it.

Don't get your hopes up, Amjad, times are hard, competition is tough out there.

How many people are they interviewing?

One.

There, you see, it's in the bag. Let's eat!

That's my chair!

What does it matter whose chair it is? You're not the only man in the house.

Here, Amjad, have some rice.

What about me?

Wait your turn. So, Amjad, what is your new job title going to be?

Deputy Assistant Manager, open brackets, pay as you go, close brackets.

Vah! Brackets!

Have some chicken.

That's my chicken!

Hey, you should see the beige suit and matching shoes Amjad's gonna wear for his interview.

Beige? Nice.

-Can I have some chillies?

-Of course you can.

Can I have some chillies?

-You don't like them.

-I do.

You say they're too hot.

Rubbish! Give me them!

See? Easy.

They are nice.

Yes, they are.

Lovely.

Are you sweating, Dad?

No, of course not!

Has someone turned the heating on? How about a jug of water? You look like you need it.

No, thanks, I'm fine.

Sweetie, a jug of bloody water for Amjad!

Maybe I will have a glass of water.

What's the matter, boy, can't you take the pace?

Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!

Oh, God! Mrs Bilal!

I've been trying to catch up with you.

Well, you need to slim down a bit, then.

I saw the posters about the auditions.

It has to be a man, Mrs Bilal.

Yes, I know that, but I thought I could help you with the judging.

I don't need any help with judging. Judging others is what I do best.

I could be your PA. I'm excellent at shorthand.

Not interested.

-Bring you tea and biscoot!

-No, thank you.

Everyone loves my jalebis!

Control yourself! I know judo!

Oh, God! That woman, she's always invading my private spaces.

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

Waleikum Asalaam. Hello, Dave.

What are you doing?

We are changing the toner cartridge.

I think some people have been abusing the system.

You're supposed to put money in the tin whenever you use it.

-RATTLING

-Someone's not been paying up.

Terrible. You can't trust anyone these days.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Are you going to be long?

-Why?

I need to use the office for my call-to-prayer auditions.

You're having them in here? This is my office.

Dave, this is the Azaan we're talking about.

It's a little bit more important than the bloody photocopier.

Surely an even more important thing would be to have the Azaan 24 hours a day?

We should be lobbying the council to let us.

24 hours a day? This isn't an all-night petrol station. This is the house of God.

But the Azaan is actually quite important.

Yes, but in the middle of the night? It wakes you up.

It's supposed to wake you up, it's the call to prayer.

Look, all these gimmicky things, it's not what being a Muslim is all about.

It's not your fault, you're new. You're on this sort of Muslim YTS scheme.

-Oh, right?

-You're not expected to understand everything straightaway.

Look, it's a big issue, a lot of our young people are quite worked up about it.

Is it? And what about my issues? I'm a family man with responsibilities.

My daughter's getting married. I'm like the lion at the head of the pride.

Back home we have a saying.

Every morning when the gazelle wakes up he must run faster than the lion or he will be killed.

When the lion wakes, he must outrun the gazelle or he will starve.

Whether you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up, you better be running.

What the hell has that got to do with it?

-You said the thing about the lion.

-Right, come on, out you go, I've got to set up.

Mr Khan, this is my office!

All right, Dave!

As we say in Pakistan, keep your knickers on.

You can stay in here, you can be on the panel.

No, I don't think you... Really?

Yes, you look like you know a thing or two about performing arts.

You gingers are quite exotic.

Well, I did do a drama module at Walsall Technical College.

There you go.

People still talk about my Titus Andronicus.

-What?

-We could be a showbiz couple, like Lennon and McCartney.

Yes, or like Rod Hull and Emu.

Come on, out you go.

Hey, maybe Riaz should go for it, he loves singing, don't you, Riaz?

Oh, yes. I do a lot of karaoke. I like Shania Twain

Man, I feel like a woman.

No, thank you.

This is like Sparkhill's Got Talent!

-Don't I get a chair?

-Yes, you're important too.

Just not as important as me.

You're like Louis Walsh, and I'm more like Simon Cowell,

except he's got browner skin.

Right, first one.

Now, remember, the Azaan is one of the most beautiful and holy parts of Islam.

It's the call to prayer. I want it to sound like a choir of angels summoning the faithful. OK?

OK.

Right... Away you go.

HOARSELY: Allah hu Akbar.

Allah hu Akbar.

Allah hu Akbar.

Next!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

WAILING CONTINUES

Next!

No!

Man, I feel like a woman.

No, thank you.

Mr Khan...

No, thank you.

A PLEASANT SINGING VOICE: Ahhhhhhh...

Wow! What a beautiful voice. I think I'm gonna go, Dave.

-You're gonna go?

-Yeah, I'm gonna go, are you gonna go?

-I might go.

-I'm gonna go.

Aaargh!

Right, come on, Amjad, let's hear what you got.

I've forgotten the words.

Look at that!

We should have done this earlier, open the auditions to everyone.

You seem Dave? That will get your Azaan 24 hours a day.

You know, if we find someone really good this could spread,

it could be in mosques all over Birmingham or London.

-Luton!

-Yes, it might even go international.

I want you to help me hand these out all around Sparkhill,

and, Amjad, put these in your phone shop, maybe even stick some up on the walls, eh?

I'm not sure I'm allowed to.

What? Of course you are.

But I might get into trouble.

Amjad, this is the Azaan we're talking about, we get our rewards in heaven, remember?

For mobile phone sales?

Yes, kind of. Allah is the ultimate service provider!

-Yes, I suppose he is.

-You know,

he gives us unlimited talk time, always a good signal and pray as you go.

What network's he on?

O2.

Makes sense.

So, you know, Allah is on our side.

We're doing this for the mosque, for the community and for God and all that.

-OK!

-You know, we're a team, you and me! Everyone else better watch out!

What about my promotion?

Ah, I could help you with some practice questions.

Once you've been probed by me, you'll be ready for anything.

I don't think I've got the time.

Suit yourself, then, boy.

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yes, silly me.

Allah hu Akbar...

Allah hu Akbar... Come on, try it, please, God is great.

-God is great.

-There you are, you are a Muslim. Thank you.

BANG!

Have you put in the sugar?

Hello! Hello, my beautiful family.

Your father is back from another successful day.

Oh, that looks good!

What the hell is it?

I'm making gulab jamuns.

Always cooking, eh?

You know, when I first met your mother, she couldn't cook at all.

But I knew she had a hidden talent.

That's my skill, you see. I can spot potential while others see mediocrity.

Would you like to taste one?

No, thank you.

Amjad will be having his interview now!

Oh, I know it's so exciting, isn't it?

You know, you should have asked me to give him a few tips.

What do you know about getting through interviews?

I got past immigration, didn't I?

I think you're a great businessman, Papaji.

Vah! What an angel!

Truly we were blessed when God sent you down to us.

Mind you, he sent us your sister as well, so maybe he felt he owed us one.

And if your call-to-prayer thing goes really well, you could be famous!

Maybe. But I'm Mr Khan, community leader. I'm already very well known.

-Have you ever Googled yourself?

-Once

when I put my pyjama bottoms on back to front.

I meant on the internet.

Oh, yes, I've Googled myself, many times. Mostly at night when your mother's gone to bed.

Anything interesting come up?

Well, you know. All the usual stuff...

DOORBELL

-That'll be Amjad now!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God!

Imagine! Me, Mr Khan, a trustee!

Amazing. Even though you don't know what it is!

Mum, it's a disaster!

-What's the matter?

-Tell them!

I didn't get the promotion.

-What?

-It's so unfair!

Dear, oh, dear! I warned you all not to get too excited!

-But, Amjad, why? What happened?

-They didn't even do the interview!

Instead, they put me on a written warning,

and I have to wear the big foam mascot costume for the next month.

Dear, oh, dear. Should have listened to me.

But why?

I don't really know.

There were these leaflets, you see, and I was giving them out and putting them on the walls...

-What of kind leaflets, budhoo?

-The one Mr Khan gave me...

about the call to prayer.

Oh, my God, what is this? What have you done?

Oh, look at this! Prime Minister saying we should do more for our country?

I am doing more for my country, I been sending money back Pakistan for the past 30 years!

My boss said I'm not allowed to advertise other companies' products.

Other company? It's a mosque, not Carphone bloody Warehouse!

And he said it was a violation of the employees' rules of conduct.

So I said I didn't care about that because I was going to get my rewards in heaven

because Allah is on my side and so he better watch out.

What did you say that for?

That's what you said.

I didn't mean it like that!

Why do you have to get everyone involved in your stupid ideas?

You said I was a successful businessman.

I only said that to make you feel good!

That's a terrible thing to do.

I would never say something just to make you feel good!

But what about all our plans?

What about Mrs Malik?

-Oh, no!

-Oh, God!

If she finds out about this, we're finished!

Calm down, everybody! There's a perfectly simple solution.

-Is there?

-Yes...

you've had a misunderstanding with your boss, I'll go and see him, explain everything,

you'll have your promotion back in no time. Where is he, Amjad?

The George Pub on Ladypool Road.

You can't go in there!

Yes, I can, I'm community leader. They all know me in Sparkhill, I can go anywhere.

But, Dad...

Chup! It'll be fine.

Dave...

do you fancy a pint?

Right, is this the place?

I think so. It's his local. I really hope I can explain everything to him.

It'll be fine, we'll go inside and just blend in.

We need to show your boss that us Muslims are regular guys like everyone else, OK?

-Exactly.

-But we're not supposed to go into pubs, though.

Look, I'm not a woman but I can still go into the lingerie department of Debenhams.

It'll all be fine as long as nobody says anything stupid.

This is actually a great opportunity to build bridges between the communities.

What did I just say, Dave?

PUB HUBBUB

SILENCE DESCENDS

Asalaam Alaikum.

All right, mate?

-HUBBUB STARTS UP AGAIN

-Now, just act normal.

Where is your boss?

He's over there.

OK. We'll get some drinks, we'll go over, we'll get chatty, everybody gets on,

he sees we're just normal guys, Amjad gets his job promotion, bish bosh, Mohammed's your uncle.

Hello, boys.

Hello.

You're not regulars here, are you?

We are just some normal guys out for a drink in our local boozer.

What can I get you?

-It must be non-alcoholic!

-I know that! We'll have five glasses of water.

What kind?

The non-alcoholic kind.

I meant... would you like it still or fizzy?

Fizzy.

Good choice.

What about a snack?

We don't need any snacks.

But I'm hungry.

Fine! We'll get some snacks. Do you have any snacks?

-We've got crisps, love.

-Crisps. That'll be smashing. Thank you.

You see? That's how you talk in a local pub. Very easy. Chitty chatty.

I can't eat crisps, me, I'm watching my weight.

No. You're so not fat. You don't have to worry about your weight.

Charmer! I didn't know whether to wear this top. But I think it makes my boobs look bigger.

£5.20.

Will you have one yourself?

Are you chatting me up, you cheeky minx?

See?

Sir, were you chatting her up?

Amjad, this is just pub banter! Relax! Now, come on...

Hello. Mr Khan, community leader. How are you today?

Fine, thank you

This is Dave, the mosque manager.

Asalaam Alaikum. How you doing, mate?

You see? Muslim, and white, just like you! We're just a couple of regular guys, isn't it?

-I used to love going to the pub, actually.

-There you go.

Of course, that was before I found Allah and realised that alcohol is an abomination against God.

Just a bit of pub banter! Dave, you cheeky minx. Stop messing around! Of course, you know Amjad.

Hello, Amjad.

Now, I'm sure we can put this business about the posters behind us.

-Amjad is just a normal young man, the same as any other, aren't you, Amjad?

-Yes.

I'm sorry, this is my wife, Kirsty.

Hello.

Hello.

Now, remember, Amjad, just a little bit of complimentary chitty chatter.

-Hello, sir. Hello, Mrs Boss.

-Good.

Go on...

I'm sure you don't have to worry about your weight.

Amjad!

-Amjad!

-You're so not fat.

What?

Don't worry, mate. Amjad is just being a silly billy.

He's always talking about the elephant in the room.

You see? All good, ended in a fight. A typical Friday night in an English pub.

Mrs Malik.

Thank you.

Gulab jamun?

Oh!

I made them myself.

Oh...

-So kind of you to have me over again. I feel like I'm always here.

-Yes.

But, of course, our house is your house.

Your house is half my house

Yes.

We're all so excited about Amjad's promotion. He's such a sweet boy.

So sweet.

And kind.

So kind.

And clever.

So kind.

-MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

-That'll be them now!

How did it go, budhoo?

Oh, my God! What happened?

What have you done to my beautiful boy?

Amjad!

What do you mean? Oh, his nose? Well, it's a funny story, actually.

We were walking along, minding our own business...

What?

It's OK, Amjad, I've got this.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, he walks into a lamp-post.

No. We went to the pub and got into a fight!

-What?

-Oh, my God, Dad!

Why didn't you protect him, he's just a baby!

Well, we were in the pub, and there was this barmaid,

and I was giving her some of the chitty chatty

and then she said, "Do you want it fizzy or still?"

That's not important.

Then there was another woman, and she was sitting over there,

and next thing I know, Amjad's gone over and told her she was a fatty...

Yes, and now I'm fired and I'm banned from MobileULike forever!

See? Nothing to do with me!

-You've ruined his career!

-What career? He works in a bloody phone shop

This call-to-prayer campaign and leaflets was all your idea!

Well, really, if you think about it, technically, the call to prayer is God's idea.

Don't bring God into this!

This is just you trying to be a big-shot mosque trustee

when you don't even know what that is!

Of course, our family will pick up the pieces, as usual.

Never mind that my son will be destitute!

And what about the shame?

I've told everyone he's going to be an executive at MobileULike

and now he's unemployed! How can we marry into this family? How? How?

Girls, Mrs Malik is hysterical.

Let's take her in to the kitchen. She needs camomile tea... and a Valium.

I just wanted Shazia to be proud of me.

Well, you can't have everything.

I was going to buy her lots of expensive clothes and shoes!

Just get them from Asda. That's what I do.

But she deserves to have a good husband.

Look, Amjad, you'll make a good husband, even without a job.

You're kind and thoughtful.

All right, you're not the spiciest samosa in the tiffin box, but...

still...you love my daughter,

and in the end that's what matters.

But what about the money?

Money's not that important.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Isn't it?

No. Look at me and Mrs Khan. When we got married we didn't have much money, did we?

No.

And we didn't have a big house, did we?

No. We rented a one-room flat in Balsall Heath. Above that fish-and-chip shop.

Bert and Tina. It was their shop.

Your father used to help out behind the counter.

They used to give me free pickled eggs!

And in the evening we would eat dinner by candlelight,

because in those days your father was very careful with his money.

True, we only had a single bed.

But we were young and newlyweds, so we didn't care, did we?

No. Your mother slept on the sofa every night.

We managed OK, didn't we?

-I suppose we did.

-So you see?

You and Shazia can be just like us.

-Forget it!

-What?

-I want to be able to buy nice things.

-And so do I!

-And I want to live in a proper house.

-And so do I!

-And I want a husband with a job!

And so do I!

I mean, I'll get another job!

It's OK, Mr Khan will sort it all out...won't you?

Mrs Malik's choking on a gulab jamun!

I can't believe you got your old job back, budhoo!

I know, and the promotion. Your dad sorted it.

How did he do it, Mum?

Oh, I think he promised them some free advertising.

MUEZZIN CHANTS

'This call to prayer was brought to you by MobileULike,

'for all your telecommunication needs. Just round the corner from this mosque.'

MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd