Episode 5 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan!

Oh, is this the new telly?

Good, isn't it? The picture's really clear.

It's 42 inch Plasma screen, 1080 pixel High Definition.

The contrast ratio and depth of field are so good

it's like actually being there.

It's Deal or No Deal.

Leave him alone, he likes it.

You never know what's in the boxes.

You're such losers watching TV. I'm going out clubbing.

-They'll never let you.

-I don't care what they think.

-Dad's coming!

Ha-ha! Shame!

Oh no, 50p! Oh, wait, that's good.

Turn that thing down, it's too loud.

We can't find the remote.

Oh, it's in here somewhere.

I hope you're keeping everything tidy in here?

You know I've got guests this evening.

Not again. What is it this time?

I told you, Mrs Shafiq's husband died,

and I'm holding a prayer meeting for her,

and I'd appreciate a bit of help.

But I was going to go out tonight.

-To the mosque!

-And now you're not.

-But the...

-We're all in this together.

The entire family's reputation is at stake.

Hello! Someone help, please!

Fine. I'll ask Dad.

You stay where you are. Amjad, please go and help Mr Khan.

Don't worry, budhoo, I'll tell you what happens!

OK.

You shouldn't be parked there!

It's my house, and it's my bloody space!

Try and think of other people for a change!

-Hello, sir.

-Oh, hello, Amjad.

-Who are you shouting at?

Ambulance. Come for Mrs Akmal.

I told him, if you want collect people, park outside their house.

If there's no space, go around the block until there is space.

Mrs Akmal's not going anywhere!

Poor Mrs Akmal, I hope she's OK!

Of course she is.

She presses that panic button every five minutes.

Probably run out of milk.

Get the bus to Asda like everyone else!

Here, help me get these in.

What are these, sir?

Lightbulbs! On special offer from cash and carry.

64 for the price of 47!

Who needs energy saving? These'll last me for years.

Should they all be red?

Of course! White is too bloody expensive!

So, what do you think of the new TB? Good, eh?

Yes, sir. It's amazing.

It's like being in the same room as Noel Edmonds.

-Well, the cricket will be better.

-The what?

The cricket! England v Pakistan!

The big game today.

Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakistan! Zindabad!

I don't really like the cricket.

You know, I used to be a bit of a player in my younger days, you know.

I don't really like the cricket.

Khan's on 99. Lillee bowls.

He smashes for six! That's his hundred! Careful, Amjad!

-Sorry, sir.

-It's OK.

You can owe me.

Now, where are you watching the game?

I'm not. Me and Shazia are going to the theatre. Mamma Mias.

Suit yourself, boy.

But I tell you what, nothing comes between me and the cricket.

Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakist... Oh, hello, darling.

Stop shouting. What will the neighbours think?

We're supposed to be in mourning, remember?

We are? Who's died?

Mrs Shafiq's husband.

Oh, no. Oh, dear.

How terrible.

Who's Mrs Shafiq?

She's a very good friend of mine.

She's coming round with some of the women from the mosque for prayers.

-But, sweetie...

-It's going to be a very difficult day for me.

-OK, but...

-These people are my closest friends...

so if the house isn't perfect they'll tear me to shreds

and I'll never be able to show my face in public again.

It will be the worst day of my life!

But the cricket is on the TB.

So?

So what is the point of paying special £1.50-a-month-for-25-years

hire purchase price for brand new, previously-used-for-demonstration

plajma TB if I can't watch the bloody cricket on it?

HE HOCKS LOUDLY

You're not watching cricket. We're holding funeral prayers.

Women only, no men allowed.

You think you have control of this house, don't you?

I'll tell you who's in control.

Me, that's who. Your husband, Mr Khan.

I want you out of the house by 5:30.

I decide what time I come and go!

So, what time do you want to go?

5:45.

-Afternoon, Mr Khan!

-Hello, Keith.

-Asalaam Alaikum!

-Very good.

-How's that new telly of yours?

Bet the picture's good, is it?

Better than my old set. It's nearly 15 years old now.

Practically stone age!

-What do you want?

-No, nothing.

Just, you know, maybe I could pop in and have a look?

See what it's like in case I wanted to upgrade.

-We've only got Al-Jazeera.

-Oh.

You hear that? No squeak. Homebase.

What's yours, bloody Wickes, isn't it?

GATE SQUEAKS

Exactly.

'Hello, everyone.

'Today's eagerly anticipated 20/20 match here at Trent Bridge

'between England and Pakistan is expected to be a cracker.

'Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win...'

Pakistan!

Zindabad!

-Pakistan!

-Zindabad!

Get the pakoras out, the green army are playing!

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

Waleikum Asalaam, Riaz. Looking forward to the big game?

Oh, yes. I love the cricket!

Good boy. What about you? Big fan of the cricket?

We don't have cricket in my country.

Of course you are.

Football is the big game in Somalia.

The Ocean Stars are the national team.

Unfortunately we cannot play any matches at home

because of the terrible civil war which is still going on.

You see, even he loves it!

We're going to listen to it on my radio.

What? This isn't the dark ages. We got TB nowadays.

I'm going to watch it in the office. They got a big one in there.

-What about Dave?

-Don't worry about him. This is going to be great.

-Pakistan!

-Zindabad!

-Pakistan!

-Zindabad!

-Asalaam Alaikum.

-Hello, Dave.

How are you today, my brother?

Well, for a starters, I'm not your brother. Seriously, Dave.

I have told you this before.

What part of "I'm not your brother" don't you understand?

-I just thought we're getting to know each other now and...

-We are.

-You know, we get on pretty well...

-We do.

And you call me Dave, so maybe I should call you...?

-Mr Khan.

-Right.

How are you today, Mr Khan?

Fine, thank you, Dave. Now where's the TB?

-What do you want the TV for?

-To watch the cricket.

England v Pakistan? We're all watching it, aren't we, boys?

Oh, yes! Pakistan! Zindabad!

Zindabad.

Right. Well, I was just trying to sort out all these old books

-for the mosque children's book club.

-The what?

It's a new thing, my idea actually.

I thought it'd be a good way of attracting in new members.

New members? This is a mosque, Dave.

Not LA Fitness.

And THIS is no good.

The Three Little Pigs?

We're Muslim, Dave, remember?

I suppose I can always do it later.

I may be a man of God these days

but I'm still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow.

The cricket.

Oh right, well, that's the spirit.

You know, being a Muslim

isn't just about growing beards and reading the Quran, you know.

-Isn't it?

-Oh, no. It's the whole package.

-Culture. Community. Cricket.

-The three C's!

Exactly. Pakistan!

-Zindabad!

-Zindabad!

Reception's not great I'm afraid,

but if you twiddle the aerial a bit you can usually get something.

What the hell is that?!

It's the TV.

That's not a TB, that's a bloody microwave!

Where's the other one? The big one?

Oh, er, we got rid of it.

Quite a few of the Woman's Group raised objections.

See, this is the difference between English mans and Pakistani mans.

In Pakistani community, man is in charge. King of the castle.

Womens are more like dirty rascal.

You don't get rid of the TB just because womens says so.

You think I got teeny tiny TB in my house?

I got brand new 42-inch Plajma Hi-Fi Def Jam Surroundy Soundy!

You can't expect us to watch the cricket on that thing.

It is a conundrum.

Conundrum? It's a bloody disaster!

What to do?

We could watch it at yours.

-What?

-We were thinking we could watch it on your new television.

-We could but...

-Great idea! It'd be like a boys night out!

-Hang on, Dave.

-I thought you had 42-inch surroundy soundy.

-I have.

-So, what's the problem?

-You don't have surroundy soundy?

-Yes, but...

-That's settled then, we're watching it at yours.

Fine! No problem. We'll watch it at mine!

-Green Army!

-Green Army!

-Green Army!

-Green Army!

-I love being a Muslim!

Sweetie darling! Your favourite, erm, sweetie darling is home!

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come back and help with your ladies prayer thing.

Like good modern husband.

OK. All of the ladies have arrived. They're in the living room.

-Brilliant. Perfect.

-What?

You know, excellent that everyone is here for your very special thing.

I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don't you?

You worry too much. She'll love it.

Her only regret will be she doesn't have more husbands

who could die, so she could do it all over again.

I hope so.

What do you think? Does it seem calm?

Yes.

Good, because we'll be praying and reading from the Quran...

-I know that.

-..and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation...

Look, it's fine! I just bloody told you!

Chillax, my sweetie darling.

Everything will be calm and peaceful and wonderful. OK?

-You promise?

-Of course. You have my word.

HE HOCKS LOUDLY

-Pakistan! Zinda...!

-Shush! Oh, God!

Not in there! This way!

HOOTER BLOWS And keep quiet!

-What is it, the missus?

-No, of course not.

It's the neighbour. He's white. If we make too much noise

he'll think I've brought the family over from the villages!

Are you going to put your lucky pads on?

Later.

Who should I be cheering for, by the way? England or Pakistan?

It's a very interesting question, Dave.

On one hand, you have the third world backward country,

home to many millions of poor Muslims,

and on the other hand you have Pakistan.

Right. I am English, though, so...

You are Muslim now, Dave. You have to support Pakistan.

It's God's team.

Ah, what about Bangladesh?

Don't be stupid, Dave.

Pakistan are batting. We need 150 runs to win.

-Pakistan!

-Zindabad!

-Pakistan!

-Shush!

-Zindabad!

-Shush!

Right! Let's get the telly on...where is it?

Oh, bugger. It's in the other room.

-Come on, let's go...

-No, wait! I'll get it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, God.

-Amjad!

-Hello, sir.

-What are you doing?

-I've come to collect Shazia. We're going to the theatre.

-Not anymore you're not.

-Oh, no! Have I got the wrong day?

Listen to me.

I've got some of the boys over from the mosque,

and we're watching the cricket here, OK?

Pakistan! Zindabad!

I don't really like the cricket.

-Amjad...

-Me and Shazia are going to the theatre.

-Amjad!

-Mamma Mias.

I'm going to have a Magnum and Shazia's going to have a Cornetto.

-Amjad.

-Yes, sir?

-Shut up!

-OK.

Now, I'll need you to help me move the TB in here and wire it all up.

-Gotcha!

-You know how to do that?

-Yes, sir. I'm very technologically accomplished.

-But here's the...

But here's the thing. Mrs Khan has got some of the ladies over

doing mourning and prayers and so forth.

Oh, yes. Oh, no, she'll go mental!

Amjad, This is my house. I can do what I like, remember?

-Right.

-It just so happens I don't want to spoil the cricket

with funeral prayers. Dead people can be a real downer.

-Sure.

-Now, I'll make sure Mrs Khan is out the way,

you keep the boys in there.

So, you want me to keep them shut up in that room?

Of course not! They are guests in my house! This is not a prison!

Oh, so they can come in or go out?

-No.

-They can't come in or go out?

-No.

-They can go out, but they can't come in?

Amjad!

Relax. Breathe in, that's it.

It's very simple.

You make everybody stay in there and have a nice time,

but don't let them wander round the rest of the house.

-Oh, OK.

-You understand?

Duh! I'm not stupid!

Amjad!

Everybody stay here!

Mrs Khan.

Mrs Malik.

Such a terrible thing, Mr Shafiq passing away like that.

Terrible shame. He was such a nice man.

-Were you close?

-Well, I wouldn't say we were close,

but he'd always say hello when we met in Asda.

Hmm, Asda. Aaacha.

Of course, Mr Malik was very good friends with him.

Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq.

I must say, I always assumed that I would arrange the prayer meeting

if either of them should pass away.

Well, you can do the next one! I'll save you some pakoras.

Don't trouble yourself.

Ah, she's finished.

Poor woman!

Such a shame!

I was so sorry to hear of your husband's passing.

I was also so sorry. Even sorrier.

It is God's will.

But I'm so glad you could all come to my house for prayers.

It was the least I could do.

Yes, it was.

It's such a shame Mr Malik couldn't be here,

seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were such great friends.

My husband insisted on being here.

He's devastated by your loss.

I was moved to wear the Pakistani colours

as a tribute to Mr Shafiq.

My husband would like to pay his respects face to face.

Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy.

Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy.

Asalaam Alaikum.

Your husband was a very well respected man in the community.

I should know. I myself, an even more well respected man in the community.

My name's Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me.

-What are you doing?

-I'm paying my respects.

This is a very distressing time for me too you know.

CHEERING

Ah...Allah!

RADIO: And he's out.

GROANS: Allah!

I'm getting ready to pray. I'm limbering up.

If you're going to talk to God you got to be in good voice.

CLEARS THROAT

I'm going to get some food,

and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here.

-Good idea.

-Don't do anything.

(Psst, Amjad! Come here!)

Excuse me!

Asalaam Alaikum, excuse me.

Excuse me!

Come on!

-Dad?

-Alia!

-Can I go out?

-No, of course you can't.

-Why not?

-You're supposed to be helping your mother.

-What are you doing with the telly?

-What are we doing with the telly?

What are we doing with the... What are we doing with the telly, Amjad?

-We are moving it.

-We are moving it.

Brilliant! We are moving it.

-Does Mum know?

-No.

-Shall I tell her?

-No!

-So can I go out?

-Yes.

Can I stay out late?

Yes.

-Can I have some money?

-Yes!

Thanks. I'll get the door for you.

-SHOUTING:

-Pakistan! Pakistan!

HORN BLARES

-Shh!

-Everybody stay here!

-Shut up!

-Are you going to plug it in?

-Where's the remote?

-I don't know.

-Oh, yes. The remote.

Put them back! Don't move that!

-Oh, God!

-What about some drinks and the nibbles?

-What?

-Crips and that.

-I'm not a bloody servant!

-I don't mind getting them.

-What?

I could say Asalaam Alaikum to Mrs Khan.

No, you don't. I'll do it. Where are you going?

-Toilet.

-Already?

-I had two cans of Fanta on the way here.

-He was chugging it!

It's occupied. Can't you hold ten minutes?

No.

I think I've got something!

Pick them up! And put those cushions back!

And you, tie a knot in it!

Everybody stay here!

-Amjad! Shut up and put the telly down!

-Thank you, sir!

Dad!

Oh! What is it?

-Let me guess, is it Amjad?

-It is Amjad!

Well, what a surprise(!)

Why don't you talk to your mother about it?

-Well, she's holding prayers for the dead.

-She always has an excuse.

Right, go on then.

Right, well, we've been planning this trip to the theatre for ages

and I thought he was looking forward to it as much as I was,

but now I can't get hold of him.

Oh, dear.

He can't treat me like this. I'm supposed to be his fiance.

Well, what a lovely chat we've had.

I'm going to tell him it's over.

I'm going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now.

No!

Darling, he'll turn up eventually.

You know, sometimes you have to give a man space to be a man,

and think about man things

like cars, or DIY.

Or sometimes we just think about nothing.

Like this.

He does look like that sometimes.

There you go, see?

But I don't care about those man things.

Well, that's not my fault, is it?

Look, this wouldn't be a problem if you were a boy.

You're not and I have accepted that, and I've moved on,

and quite frankly I think it's time you did too!

Mrs Khan, I was bringing some drinks and snacks.

You know, this praying can be thirsty work, no?

Oh, that's so considerate, thank you!

Not at all.

Most husbands wouldn't be so thoughtful.

You know me. Always thinking of others.

You know, Mr Malik wouldn't even give his wife a lift.

Said he was watching the cricket.

What a rotter!

If you really want to be helpful,

you could lay the table in the dining room.

Of course... Er, what?

We're finishing our final prayers and then we'll be coming in to eat.

But, sweetie...

Nothing.

-What are you doing?

-We can't turn it on!

-Why not?

-None of these work. We think it might be your aerial.

Ah, this is your main TV feed.

We just need to find out where it goes.

Just leave that!

It's the last over. We need 10 to win!

-Amjad, where's the bloody remote?

-I hope Shazia's all right.

Come on, get your lucky pads on.

-I think I should talk to her.

-Who?

Shazia. I think she's upset about missing the Mamma Mias.

-She's not.

-I think she might be a bit upset.

-She's not upset.

-I think she might be.

-She's not.

-I think she is.

I keep telling you, she doesn't give a bloody monkeys!

-Problems?

-No.

If the lead is long enough,

we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour.

No, you can't!

Look, Shazia's in with the ladies now.

Helping with the dead man's prayers. Having a great time!

I should go in the other room and say I'm sorry.

Look, you don't need to do that.

Sometimes women say they want to be in charge,

but really they like us to be in charge.

It makes them feel all safe and comfortable.

As we say in Pakistan, "All snuggly buggly."

But sometimes she does get quite upset about things.

-Like the other day.

-Yes?

-We were shopping and it was nearly lunchtime.

-Lunchtime, yes?

And I couldn't decide whether to have a kebab or a roti,

so I was like, "Kebab or roti? Kebab or roti?"

And Shazia said, "Amjad, have a roti. You know you like it."

And she was right.

What an amazing anecdote(!) Now, where's the bloody remote control?

I think I might have left it in the other room.

Oh, God!

-Don't worry.

-What are you doing?

This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath The Hammer in Somalia.

We're going to miss it.

-I knew we should have stayed at the Mosque.

-Look, I'll sort it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, God!

Hi!

What the hell do you want?

-I just came to say the cricket's on at mine if you want to watch it.

-No, thank you.

-Maybe I can watch it here, then?

-No, thank you.

I don't follow the cricket.

What are those then?

Prayer pads. Protect your knees whilst your praying.

Oh, right. And that?

This is a Muslim religious artefact.

It looks like a cricket bat.

That proves you are ignorant of Muslim culture,

and therefore a bloody racialist!

Thank you! Goodbye!

Oh, God.

Ah, excuse me...

SCREAMING

Get off me, you filthy man!

What's going on?

-Nothing! Carry on praying!

-What are you doing?

I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences.

Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I'm so sorry!

My husband has been very stressed out at work lately,

and he's really very, very upset about your husband's passing.

Yes, it's a sad time for all of us.

We've been thinking of nothing else!

CHEERING

What the hell is going on?

Asalaam Alaikum, Mrs Khan. Omar got the aerial working.

It's not what it looks like.

-Amjad!

-He made me do it.

-Why, Dad?

-It's complicated.

My husband has just died and you've brought shame on me, on his memory,

and on your entire family.

Oh, my God!

Your family already has a name.

Your younger daughter is out all the time!

No, no, no! She isn't, she's here, helping me!

Where's Alia?

I let her go out.

Oh, my God! You've ruined me!

I can't hold this up much longer!

I think it's time we left.

Amjad, come help me with Mrs Shafiq.

-If you go now, I'll never speak to you again!

-But Ludhoo, I...

No, please. Please don't go!

Have some more food, you've haven't eaten anything! I'll order pizza!

Please don't go! Please don't go!

Did we win?

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA

Who would have thought that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of ABBA?

Oh, yes. I used to call him my Dancing Queen.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd