Episode 6 Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

HE SPEAKS URDU

They all know me. Like my suit.

Number one, Citizen Khan.

I thought Dad was going to turn the heating on for a couple of hours?

-He did.

-When?

-1998.

Come on, get ready. We got to go to mosque.

Oh, what? Why do we have to come?

To pray, of course. And I want you to meet the new

President of The Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association, Mr Javed.

I want him to see what a nice, normal Muslim family we are.

You see, your mother's all ready to go.

No, I'm not. I'm freezing. Why is it so cold in here?

-Cold? It's not cold.

-You're wearing your long johns.

-How do you know?

-I can see them.

Please, Dad, turn the heating on.

I'm not cold, Papaji.

I love this girl. I tell you, proper Muslim daughter.

Wearing hijab not only preserves her modesty, keeps her bloody ears warm!

Just turn it on.

No! I pay the bills and I say it stays off.

Fine, then I'll do it myself!

Very well, I'll allow it just this once.

Since it is special day.

-Why is it special?

-Today is wedding anniversary.

I forgot it's your anniversary!

Congratulations, sir! How long have you been married?

24 years.

Wow!

Yes. Silver one next year.

Right. How long is that?

25 years.

Amazing. That is ages.

It's a real achievement, not many people could survive 25 years.

-Thank you, Shazia.

-I was talking about Mum.

You should take her away, somewhere romantic, like The Caribbean,

-or The Maldives...

-..or Pakistan.

Did you know Pakistan is now the 112th most popular tourist destination in Asia?

Good, huh?!

What about tonight? Are you doing anything?

-Yes.

-Course he's not.

-I just said, "yes."

He never does. Do you remember that...

Hello! Is nobody listening? Have I got invisible voice?

I said I got something planned, OK? Very special evening.

Just don't spoil the surprise.

I can't do this, someone give me a hand.

-I'll do it.

-I'll ask your mother.

Sweetie, can you help me?

Oh, no, what a shame.

-What is?

-From the Guptas. They can't come to Shazia's wedding.

-Oh, well.

-They don't even give a reason.

Indians, you see, no manners.

Now, come on, we'll be late for mosque.

But now there'll be an empty table.

Good, less people sponging off me.

This wedding's already costing me a fortune.

But we've already agreed the numbers with the caterers.

We'll have to invite someone else.

Oh, if we're inviting extra people,

I'd like some more of my friends to come.

No, no, no!

We can't go on feeding every Tom, Dick and Mohammed.

Who do you think I am? Sir Bob bleeding Geldof!

Matt and Debbie from work would love to come.

No, no, no bloody way.

This is Pakistani wedding,

Matt and Debbie don't sound very Pakistani to me!

Please don't tell me you're refusing to have white people at our wedding!

Bob Geldof only feeds brown people. Everybody knows that!

No, if we have to have someone,

we'll invite Mr Javed and his family.

But I don't even know him!

We don't want to make our Nikah in front of complete strangers.

This wedding's not all about you, you know.

Mr Javed is a very important man.

You can't use my wedding to suck up to your business mates.

Why not? Might as well get something good out of it.

-I know. We'll invite the Parvezes.

-Who?

Sameena Parvez? One of my oldest friends?

Used to live next door to us before they moved to Woking?

Had a little boy, Imran, used to play with Shazia...

The one with the funny eye?

That's him. You can send the invitation today.

But sweetie, I want to invite Mr Javed.

I have to have Sameena at the wedding.

We were like sisters.

-You don't like your sister.

-Cousins, then.

No, look, I'm the man of the house, I'm paying for this wedding.

I should get to invite who I want.

Here, you'll need to buy a stamp.

No, I won't. I'll send it from the mosque.

Chalo.

Come on, old disabled lady.

See, every time I go into this, it just freezes.

Oh, yeah.

Have you tried to turn it off and on again?

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

Waleikum Asalaam, boys.

-Asalaam Alaikum.

-Hello, Dave.

Come for prayers?

Yes, of course, but I'm also here to see the new president of the SPBA,

Mr Javed - I want to make a good impression.

Do you know anything about him?

Like what?

Does he like cricket? What's his star sign?

Does he have a serious medical condition?

These are things to know to have a business edge.

-Dunno.

-Dave?

I'm a bit busy at the moment, Mr Khan...

-What's the problem?

-The computer's not working.

Oooh, calm down Dave.

This is the problem with you, gingers, very little patience.

It's this new spreadsheet programme.

I thought I might streamline the mosque's booking system,

but it keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a virus.

Like my uncle. He caught it from a goat.

Not like that, they were just good friends.

Right, come on, get out of the way, let me take a look.

Right.

So, every time I open up the spreadsheet thingy,

it starts out OK and then the whole lot just seems to freeze

and nothing seems to...

work. And...

What are you doing?

Googling Mr Javed.

I don't see how that's going to solve the problem.

I didn't say I could solve the problem.

You know this computer should really only

be used for mosque business, Mr Khan.

Well, I go to the mosque, and this is my business.

-Good one.

-That's not what I meant.

-And I need you to post this for me too.

-What is it?

Wedding invitation.

Mrs Khan has suddenly remembered another "best friend."

-The Parvez family?

-Yes, they used to live next door to us.

Had the boy with the funny eye?

-That's it.

-There's no stamp on it.

-So?

-Again, it's not really mosque business, is it, Mr Khan?

You know, Dave, all this penny pinching,

it's a very unattractive trait.

Mr Javed! Oh, Mr Javed.

-Asalaam Alaikum.

-Waleikum Asalaam.

Waleikum Asalaam.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Not at all. I'm all yours!

Actually, it's Dave I wanted to speak to.

Got some post. SPBA business.

-Of course, Mr Javed.

-No stamps, I'm afraid.

Not a problem.

-Mr Javed, sir.

-Yes?

I wanted to invite you to my daughter's wedding.

Erm...

Yes, you and the family.

I've got an invitation right here.

I was going to put it in the post, but now that you're here...

Erm, thank you. We'd be delighted.

Really? Brilliant!

THEY SPEAK IN URDU

Let me get the door.

Goodbye. What a man.

I thought that invitation was for the man

with the cross eyed children.

Mr Javed is a very important man.

It'll be a great honour to have him at my daughter's wedding.

Do you think Mrs Khan will see it that way?

Of course. But don't tell her.

Why not?

Dave, what you have to understand is that in Pakistani marriage,

husband is in charge.

He's the boss and he can do whatever he wants.

But sometimes it's best not to tell the wife what he has done

because she would never understand and only worry and fuss

and make him sleep on the downstairs sofa.

This is prayers, show some respect.

If you think about it,

-anybody could just come in and take them, couldn't they?

-I suppose.

So I thought, if I keep hold of one, then that's not going to happen!

-Amjad...

-Nobody's going to steal one, are they?

They're going to want both - you can't really use one on its own.

-Amjad.

-Yes, sir?

Give it to me.

Lucky I put my name in them!

Everyone will know they're mine.

Unless there's somebody else called Amjad.

Oh, no!

Did you post the Parvezes' invitation?

You know, I've never realised just how big this place is...

Hello? The invitation?

Still shouldn't be surprised -

Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world.

Do you know Tesco now serves halal meat?

"Every little helps!" Hey na'?

Did you post it or didn't you?

I said I'd post it and I posted it. OK, done, enough.

Oh, my God.

OH, MY GOD.

She's just getting ready for prayers, limbering up!

Very religious woman!

I don't believe it. How could you do this?

My own husband lying to me and in the House of God of all places!

The shame of it!

What, it's only an invitation. We never see the Parvezes anyway...

I asked you to do one thing....

All right, all right, if you must know,

there's a reason why I didn't send out the Parvez's invitation.

Reason? What reason?

I wasn't going to tell you this, but you remember their son,

Imran, was his name?

With the funny eye, huh.

Well, he had a thing for Shazia.

Thing? Like naughtiness?

Not naughtiness. He liked her.

So?

So, what if he never got over her? Did you think of that?

What if we invited them to the wedding and he caused a huge scene?

Standing up in the middle of the ceremony,

"Oh, Shazia, I still love you!

"Don't marry Amjad, he's an idiot.

"Come away with me, I can get my eye fixed,

"it's amazing what they can do these days".

-That would be awful.

-Exactly.

Thank God you didn't post that invitation.

You see? You think I don't know what I'm doing, but I do.

Mrs Khan, head for thinking, feet for dancing.

Move along now.

Mr Javed! Psst!

Psst!

Oi, Javed!

-Everything all right?

-Never been better, Amjad!

Did you get into trouble with Mrs Khan?

I'm never in trouble with Mrs Khan.

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE

Hello, Mr Khan speaking! Hello, Mrs Khan!

You saw me earlier darling,

yes, but I'm just about to start praying.

I know but...

Yes, I know but...

It's not my fault that Shazia

did the naughtiness with Imran Parvez, is it?

OK, sweetie, OK, OK, Bye. Goodbye.

Oh, my God, Shazia!

Amjad! People are praying. Try not to make a scene.

Oh, my God! Shazia! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Careful Amjad, it's a mosque, he can hear you.

How could she do this to me? How?!

Amjad, you're over-reacting, it's no big deal.

But Imran Parvez! I told him everything.

How much I liked Shazia,

how I wished she would notice me and all the time they were...

doing it!

Don't torture yourself. Trust me, there's really no need.

And he's got a funny eye!

All right, he's got a terrible squint.

He probably just winked at her a few times by accident.

These things happen all the time to squinty peoples.

That's it then, it's all over.

What's all over?

We can't get married now, can we?

What? Of course you can.

But Shazia's got somebody else.

-She hasn't got somebody else.

-But what about..?

He's not her boyfriend, you need to just forget about Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

Tell me honestly. Did anything happen between them?

Of course not.

You would say that, you're her dad. I'm going to see Shazia!

Tell her we're finished.

Amjad, that's not a good idea. You're too upset.

I'll phone her then.

Amjad, you need to calm down first.

She won't want to speak to you when you're like this.

Amjad!

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, what's going on in here?

People are trying to pray out there, you know.

Do you mind? This is private.

It is MY office.

Dave, we are Muslims. This is a mosque.

It's not about "my this" or "my that," it's open to everyone.

Now get out.

-Shazia's cheated on me!

-What?!

He thinks that Shazia had a thing with another boy...

Ah. Oh.

I keep telling him it's not true about Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

OK. What you have to remember,

Amjad, is that these days, this sort of thing is not uncommon.

Lots of young people experiment a bit before they get married.

But it's forbidden.

Yeah, sure, technically it's forbidden.

But doing things that some deem inappropriate

doesn't make you a bad person.

Certainly before I found the faith, I had a few "liaisons" myself!

I find that hard to believe.

And I'm sure Mr Khan did too.

What? How dare you!

Mind you, there was that time at my Uncle's wedding

with the girl that was handing out samosas.

The Rawalpindi Express, we used to call her.

You see. We've all done it.

I haven't.

And neither has Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

I'm going to kill myself! And then him!

Let's not do anything hasty.

Mr Javed!

My life is over!

All right, Amjad? How about a nice cup of tea?

Well, it looks like you've got this all under control.

Just don't mention Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

Mr Javed.

Mr Javed was very flattered to be invited to Shazia's wedding.

You see, Beti, this is the secret of business relationships,

being relaxed in each other's company.

Is that why you've taken out your safety pin?

-Where's Shazia?

-Upstairs, why?

Everyone's talking about her

and Imran Parvez, it's all over Sparkhill!

What are you talking about?

Mrs Ramiz told Mrs Shafiq, who told Mrs Jalil -

apparently it came out of the mosque.

You know, I've got a very special evening planned for you later.

I'm sure you're going to like it.

Maybe there's more to this Imran Parvez business then we thought.

There's no smoke without fire.

Rubbish. It's just a schoolboy crush.

-He used to help her with her homework.

-You see, perfectly innocent.

-Up in her room.

-Yes.

English, Maths... Biology.

-Oh, my God. You don't think...

-What?

You know we were down here and they were up there,

and we thought they were...

when all the time they were actually...

What? Of course, that's why they had to move away so suddenly.

Sameena said it was because of Rafiq's work,

but I knew there was more to it.

Hold on a minute...

But now I think about it, he did have a strange look about him.

You know that funny eye...

Let's not get carried away. You're as bad as Amjad.

-Amjad knows?

-Yes.

-How?

-Um...

DOORBELL Alia, see who it is.

I don't want to miss anything. Fine.

How did Amjad take it?

Very well.

But what if he tells Mrs Malik?

She'll call off the wedding like that!

Chillax, sweetie! He's not going to tell Mrs Malik.

I've dealt with it, it's all under control.

-Who was that?

-It's Mrs Malik.

-No! Did you let her in?

-You just said see who it is.

Go out and stall her!

-But I can't.

-Why not?

Coz I've lost my safety pin!

Mrs Malik, what a lovely surprise!

Mr Khan, I must speak with you and Mrs Khan

as a matter of some urgency!

Well, that could be a bit tricky, you see,

we're just about to have dinner.

I'd ask you to join us, but I don't think there's enough.

Especially for someone with your healthy appetite, eh?

Mr Khan...

Goodbye Mrs Malik.

You're shutting the door on my foot.

Well, you'd better get it out of the way, then! Hey.

I need to talk about Amjad and Shazia...

Well, why don't you come into the living room.

I have to tell you that I've heard some things about Shazia

that have disturbed me greatly.

Have you seen this article in the Herald?

Interesting piece on drop kerbs and off-street parking on the Ivor Road.

-Mr Khan!

-I'm listening.

These rumours are most alarming and now Amjad has gone missing.

-He's not missing.

-You know where he is?

-No.

He hasn't replied to my calls, and Amjad always replies to my calls.

I'm worried that he might have done something stupid.

If he's heard what people are saying about Shazia!

Oh, right.

Well? What have you got to say?

I'll just get Mrs Khan.

Well?

-She wants to talk to you.

-That's it! She wants to call off the wedding.

Maybe she just wants to borrow some chapatti flour?

Do you know what it means to have a daughter who has been with

other boys before she's married?

She'll be ruined! She'll be shunned!

We'll all be finished here, finished, over, dead and buried!

We got other daughter.

What's going on?

Nothing, Beti, I'm just full of happiness

because it's our anniversary.

Oh, my God, don't let her suffer.

Please, God, don't let her suffer!

Good job it's only once a year.

-What are you talking about? Someone tell me what's going on?

-We know about you and Imran Parvez!

What?

Your mother thinks that you and Imran Parvez, you know...

No, I don't know.

You know. The thing.

What thing?

The thing! The thing!

You mean sex?

Shhh!

You think that me and Imran Parvez...?

Sis, that is rank.

Hey, did his eye follow you round the room?

DOORBELL

Oh, now what?!

All right, all right! Keep your bloody hair on.

-Mr Javed.

-Mr Khan.

Can I come in?

Of course.

I wanted to thank you and Mrs Khan personally

for the invitation to your daughter's wedding.

There's really no need.

Is Mrs Khan here?

Why don't we go into the living room?

Ah, actually, why don't we go into the dining room?

Have you seen this carpet?

It comes with a very thick underlay.

DOORBELL

Oh! Now what?

-Hello, Dave.

-Hello, sir.

Amjad.

I decided not to kill myself.

Oh, good.

I persuaded Amjad that violence is no solution.

The way to settle any dispute is to engage in a dialogue.

Jaw, jaw, not war, war.

You know, you're wasted in Sparkhill, Dave.

You should work at the bloody UN.

Which is why I decided to bring the two sides together.

This is Imran Parvez's Uncle.

I thought it might be.

-Asalaam Alaikum.

-Waleikum Asalaam.

The Parvez's are a little bit upset about the suggestion

that their son and your daughter,

you know? However, I have managed to persuade them

that's it better to get everything out in the open.

You gingers think of everything, don't you?

And what are you doing here?

We just want to watch.

I've got the Sparkhill Women's Day Group coffee morning

next Tuesday. How am I supposed to...

Maybe if you spent more time listening to your daughter instead of your mates...

Who was that?

Just Dave, Amjad and Imran Parvez's uncle.

Oh, my God.

Why is this happening to me?

Because you and Imran-wonky-eye were up in your room

doing biology practicals.

But we weren't. I keep telling you.

That's not what we've heard.

From who?! Where's all this come from?

What kind of an idiot would start a rumour like that?

A very nice idiot, who loves you very much?

Dad!

But it's OK, Beti, I didn't believe it for a moment.

Because you made it all up.

Oh, yes.

You made it up!

-Haan.

-Why?

Well, I was going to invite the Parvez's, like you wanted,

but then I bumped into Mr Javed, you see, and...

Are you telling me that you invented

an imaginary love affair for your own daughter

just so you could invite some business contact,

who we don't even know, to her wedding?

Let's not get bogged down with who said what to who.

The good news is, I was lying.

Yes, and now you're going to tell the truth.

You are going to go in there and tell everyone what you've done,

and clear Shazia's name and then I'll be able to show my face

at the Sparkhill Womens' Day Group Coffee Morning next Tuesday.

-But...

-Go. OK.

Oh what, so I didn't snog Imran Parvez

so now there's no scandal, and everything's OK again?

-Is that it?

-Erm...

-Yes!

-Yes!

What if I did go out with Imran Parvez?

What if I went out with Imran Parvez and then I moved on to his brothers?

Oh right, because of his funny eye?

What if I went out with half of Sparkhill?

Would that matter to you?

Which half are we talking about?

That's not the point! Don't you see?

My body is my own, it doesn't belong to anyone else,

I can do what I want with it.

It shouldn't matter to Amjad what I've done in the past,

and it shouldn't matter to you either.

She's right.

Is she?

Of course, we're her parents, we should support her, no matter what.

I'm so sorry, Beti!

I don't deserve to have such a wonderful daughter.

Aw, Mum.

You're so smart, and pretty, and kind, and I'm a silly old woman,

and a terrible mother and...

Mum, you're not a terrible mother.

Don't interrupt her, sweetie.

Where's Mr Javed?

He had to go to his SPBA meeting.

Mrs Khan, I think we need to talk.

I think we do.

Shazia!

Be quiet, Amjad. Leave this to me.

Hey, maybe we should just let the kids sort this out for themselves?

-Or not.

-Please, Mrs Malik...

It's all right, Shazia, I'll deal with this.

Mrs Malik, I don't care what went on between Shazia and Imran Parvez.

-So, you admit it?

-No!

Please, Beti.

In fact, I don't care if she's been with half of Birmingham...

-Dad, that's not what...

-Don't worry, darling, I know what I'm doing.

So, my daughter has had other relationships. You know what?

That's absolutely fine with me.

Now he tells us.

What you have to remember, Mrs Malik,

is that this is the modern world, 21st century.

Women are as independent as men.

I believe women should make their own decisions.

They are in charge of their own lives

and they can do whatever they want.

I see. Then I say, this wedding will never take place.

OK. But what does Mr Malik say about it?

We're leaving. Come on, Amjad.

No! I don't care what she's done!

I still love you, Shazia!

Amjad!

I don't care how many men she's been with!

As long as it's not more than ten!

-Amjad!

-OK, Five then!

Oh, budoo!

Oh, ladoo!

So, are there any other boys?

Of course not.

I said this family would be trouble from the start,

but nobody ever listens to me.

Mum, shut up!

Tu menu shut up, kehna.

I don't think conflict's going to resolve anything!

Are there any nibbles?

Fish and Chips?

Anniversary supper.

Oh.

Remember? Like we had on our first wedding anniversary.

Of course. From Bert and Tina's downstairs.

You went back there.

Their daughter runs it now.

Oh...

And look...

Pickled eggs! Your favourite.

You know, when we were young we used to dream about growing old together.

And now you are old...

..so your dreams have come true.

Happy anniversary.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd