Episode 1 Come Fly With Me

This is one of busiest airports in Europe.

Over 40 million passengers pass through every year.

Our cameras have spent six months following the lives

of the people who work here,

from the staff at the check-in desk...

-Where are you flying to?

-Bangkok.

Bangkok, you dirty bugger. Right, let's see.

..to the cabin crew at 32,000 feet...

Chicken or turkey? Chicken or turkey?

-What's your vegetarian option?

-Chicken.

..and even the airline owners themselves.

'Toilets take up too much space on plane.'

If it is an hour flight, two hours to Rome, to Paris,

you can hold it in.

So sit back,

fasten your seat belts

and Come Fly With Me.

How old are you girls? You all over 16, yes?

Omar Baba is the flamboyant owner of low-cost airline FlyLo.

'God gave me a mission.'

He come to me and he say, "Omar, I have chosen you to bring

"low-cost air travel to flights within Europe

"and some selected routes across the Atlantic."

And I said to him, "I will not let you down, Mr God."

Omar is one of Britain's most high-profile businessmen,

but today he has woken up

to find himself in the middle of a PR disaster.

Why?

I have not had plane crash since Tuesday.

There have been allegations in the morning papers

that FlyLo planes have been flying without life jackets,

but Omar is quick to respond.

This seat, life jacket. This seat, life jacket.

This seat, life jacket.

This seat...

life jacket soon.

This seat, life jacket.

And what's more,

I've made it easier than ever for passengers to use the life jackets.

I'll show you.

HE GRUNTS

OK, we are on our holidays.

Suddenly, plane falls into sea. Kaboom!

Plane is now filling with water.

"Aah! Aah! Help me!" Not a problem.

Simply reach under your seat.

HE GRUNTS

HE EXHALES Hey!

"Do you want to purchase life jacket?"

Yes. "Swipe card and enter pin." OK.

"Would you like priority disembarkation?"

Erm...yes.

"Purchase whistle?" Yes.

"Add to cart."

Total, £60.

Life jacket is now mine for 20 minute.

After 20 minute, it deflates automatically

and I simply swim back into plane and pay for more.

Is good, no?

Is quite tight around neck.

Fearghal works for one of FlyLo's rivals,

the low cost Irish airline Our Lady Air...

-Morning.

-..and aviation runs in his family.

Hi. 'There's ten of us,'

ten boys.

We're all gay - except Finbar, who's bi - and we're all cabin crew.

That's right, we're all flyers. Everyone in my family flies.

Except my mother, she's never flown.

Well, she's never not been pregnant.

Turn the phone off, please.

One of Fearghal's duties is to prepare the passengers for take-off,

however young they may be.

Oh, hello!

Look at you! What a cutie!

-He's just three months.

-Oh, he's beautiful.

I love babies. Used to be one myself. HE CHUCKLES

Look at you, eh? Your wee chubby cheeks.

Can I hold him for a bit?

-Yeah, if you'd like.

-Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look at you, eh?

Who's a handsome wee fella?

Look at you, eh?

I just need to put him in the overhead locker.

Madam, I've told you before, turn that phone off, please.

The FlyLo Check-in girls are the glamorous face of the airline...

-Hello, madam.

-..and 22-year-old Melody Baines is no exception.

I hope you don't mind me saying, madam, but I couldn't help noticing you are quite old.

-Well, yes.

-So I wondered if you wanted to take advantage

-of our speedy boarding scheme?

-What's that?

There are no reserved seats on this flight so you pay an extra £20

-and you can board the plane before anyone else.

-Do I need to do that?

I'd hate to see you trampled underfoot.

'Some passengers do resent the extra charges,'

but just last week we did lose an elderly gentleman in a stampede.

All that was left was a shoe.

'Oh, I don't seem to'

have any speedy boarding passes to hand.

One moment, please.

PHONE RINGS

FlyLo Check-in, Keeley speaking.

-'Hi.'

-Who's calling, please?

-Melody.

-Hi, Melody. Is this about the speedy boarding passes?

Yeah, I seem to have run out. Have you got any spares?

Yeah, I'll just get one over to you as soon as I can.

-OK, bye.

-Bye.

Shouldn't be a mo.

Excuse me, madam, can you pass this over to my colleague, please?

Thanks, love.

-There you are, madam, one speedy boarding pass.

-Thank you.

-Do you sell many of these?

-Yes!

Today we've sold one to every passenger on the flight.

Next, please.

As with any airport, security is the number one priority.

Obviously, safety of passengers is of paramount importance.

Some passengers do complain about being patted down.

'They feel it's an invasion of privacy,

'but thorough physical checks are a reality of modern air travel.

'I don't like it, but unfortunately it is absolutely necessary.'

-ALARM BEEPS

-Stop. Put your arms up, please.

OK, next.

-Happy flighting, happy flighting.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy the flight.

Moses looks after first and business-class passengers for Great British Air.

Today, he has some bad news to impart.

Something very regrettable happened.

We have a female lady passengeress on a connecting flight.

Her King Charles spaniel, Coco, was travelling in the hold.

We had a heating malfunction and he froze solid.

I've just seen him, he's like a giant dog-lolly

and it's my job to tell her what's happened.

-Mrs Ross?

-Yes.

My name is Moses.

I'm the Executive Passenger Liaison Officer for the airline.

-Are the flight attendants looking after you OK?

-Yes, thank you.

Have you been offered a small glass of fresh orange juice

-and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail?

-Yes, thank you.

-Good.

The flight time to Geneva is 2 hours and 20 minutes

so it shouldn't be too bad.

The weather is clear and bright, no chance of showers,

if you'll pardon the pun.

Everything is fine.

How's Coco?

Fine! Fine.

Even better than fine. Great! Wonderful!

Barking away and eating a big bowl of food for dogs and...

-Couldn't be more alive.

-I've got a lovely photo of him on my phone.

Ah, he was so cute.

IS so cute! What am I saying?

Well, I hope you have a very pleasant journey with us today

and we look forward to seeing you again very soon. Dog.

-Sorry?

-Nothing.

Take care, Mrs Ross.

Happy flighting.

(I couldn't tell her, I couldn't tell her.)

'Ladies and gentleman, please fasten your seat belts. We have been cleared for take-off.'

ENGINES ROAR

Come through. ALARM BEEPS

Stop. Arms.

Right.

ALARM BEEPS Right. Stop. Arms.

-Excuse me?

-Yes?

-Can I have a word?

I'm just patting down this gentleman.

Can I see some ID?

I haven't got any ID.

You don't work here, do you?

It's 11.00am

and Great British Air Flight 587 from Nice has just landed.

Airport paparazzi Mickey and Buster

have received a tip-off that a world-famous singer is on board.

We just heard Geri Halliwell's

going to be landing in a few minutes.

She's flying in from the old south of France.

Hopefully, she'll have her daughter, Bluebottle, with her.

Takes a lovely picture, Geri.

You'll always sell a picture of Geri Halliwell.

Same with all the Spice Girls, innit?

Yeah. Obviously, a picture of Posh Spice will fetch the most,

then it's Geri,

then it's the black one, then Emma Bunton.

-Probably wouldn't bother with the lezzie one.

-Wouldn't bother at all.

Thing about the Spice Girls, they had great music, didn't they?

I miss the Spice Girls.

They were the Atomic Kitten of their day.

I loved their songs.

# If you wanna be my dum dum

# You gotta get with my dum... #

# Stop right now Thank you very dum

# I need some loving with a human dum... #

# Mama, dum dum dum

# Mama, dum du-um... #

Oh, I'm welling up.

# Mama, dum dum dum

# Mama, dum dum... #

Oh, bollocks, we've missed her.

Taaj is one of FlyLo's roving ground crew.

Today he's on buggy duty.

'I've got wheels today, isn't it?'

I get to just cruise round. I don't got to walk nowhere, you get me?

I just like to drive my buggy, man, it's the coolest.

I've got my sounds on, I've got my bitches in the back.

-MUSIC BLARES Ladies, you watch Pimp My Ride?

-No.

Man, I'm telling you,

it would be so sick if I got this buggy on Pimp My Ride.

Get that Tim Westwood to strip out the inside, yeah,

put in a Maserati engine, fit it up with the fattest tyres

and then install one of them special hydraulic suspension

so that the whole machine really bounces, yeah?

But unfortunately I am unable to do that

as the vehicle is the property of the UK Aviation Authority.

OK, bitches, the pussy wagon has arrived!

-Out you get.

-Thank you.

'I'm telling you, man, when the ladies see me in this,'

they is gonna think I'm the coolest

cos this is like the ultimate fanny magnet, you get me?

You get me? You do get me?

Is of paramount importance that you get me.

You get me? You have me got? Good.

Ian Foot is the airport's Chief Immigration Officer.

As an immigration officer,

I am the first line of defence of this country's borders.

And, yes, I have been accused of being a racist.

But if being highly suspicious of all foreigners makes you a racist,

then, yeah, I mean, sure, lock me up and throw away the key.

Today, a question mark has arisen

over the authenticity of a passenger's passport.

Now, the reason you are being detained here

is we're not satisfied you're travelling on your own passport.

According to your passport, your name is Jennifer.

You were born in Hampshire in 1998.

That would make you a 12-year-old girl.

There you go. That's gate 11, OK? Who's next, please?

Meanwhile, back at Check-in,

it's a very special day for this happy couple.

Where are you flying to today?

-Disneyland!

-Los Angeles.

We're getting married in Disneyland!

-Ah, congratulations!

-Yeah, thanks.

-Just need to ask you

some security questions. Did you pack the cases yourselves?

Yes, we did.

Unfortunately, we didn't receive any help from the seven dwarves.

Do your bags contain any sharp objects?

No, only the bare necessities. 'We both love Disney,'

-don't we, Geoff?

-It's all right.

We've brought a personal DVD player

-so we can watch The Aristocats on the flight.

-We watched that last night.

But you have to watch The Aristocats more than once

to appreciate the nuances. It's a great film.

I shouldn't really like it because I am actually allergic to cats.

She comes out in a rash.

But luckily these are cartoon cats so they never come out the screen.

When Bambi's mother died, I cried for a fortnight.

I'm not putting myself through that again.

Look, can we go in there, in case they've got something Disney?

It's a chemist.

They might have some Winnie The Pooh panty pads. Come on.

Why do I like Disney so much?

Hmm, probably because I'm quite thick.

Hi, can I get a latte, please?

I'm sorry, my love, we got no coffee.

You need to go to Terminal Two. They've got a Starbuck there.

Precious is one of the airport's most familiar faces,

having worked at this coffee kiosk for over 20 years.

-But today, she's having to close early.

-Well, we got no coffee.

PRECIOUS LAUGHS

We're a coffee shop and we got no coffee.

Me arrive here this morning to find

a big tin of coffee mysteriously disappeared.

We got cup, we got spoon, we got milk, we got sugar,

we got water, we got fire, but we got no coffee.

The Lord in his Almighty wisdom has decided to take the coffee from us

'so me got no option but to close early. Closed.'

In a way, it is a blessing because me got craving

to go McDonald's and get meself McEgg McMuffin.

Praise the Lord for his 99p breakfasts!

# Give me oil in my lamp Keep me burning

# Give me oil in my lamp, I pray

# Give me oil in my lamp Keep me burning

# Keep me burning till the break of day. #

After a difficult morning,

Moses is looking forward to greeting a very special passenger,

92-year-old Hetty Wolf.

I love looking after the elderly.

I love hearing their stories, I love hearing about the old days,

and if you spend enough time with old people,

you eventually get used to the smell.

Hello there, Mrs Wolf. My name is Moses Beacon.

Let me take that for you.

My name is Hetty Wolf.

I'm 92 years old and I have never flown before.

I've never been on an aeroplane, so today is a very big day.

I'm going to Florida to visit my son Michael, who is a doctor.

My son is a doctor.

After accompanying Mrs Wolf through Security,

Moses is keen to help in any way he can.

Right, do you need anything from Duty Free?

Yes, I'd like to buy a birthday present for my grandson, Jonathan.

-He will be 12 on Tuesday.

-Lovely! What would you like to get him?

200 Lambert & Butler.

Right. Well, I'll pop and get those for you.

Have you got any cash on you?

-Hmm?

-For the cigarettes?

No, I put my money in the suitcase.

You put your money in your suitcase?

Yes, I thought this is what you are supposed to do.

I have never flown before.

Well, Moses Beacon likes to go the extra mile

so I'll buy them for you and you can pay me back when you fly home.

-How about that?

-Yes,

if I remember.

-Oh, I would also like to buy him two bottles of Bell's Whisky.

-Right.

Large!

'Oh, Mrs Wolf,'

she's quite a character, if you'll pardon the pun.

She's had me running hither and thither and...

Hurry up! We need to go to Hermes.

With the morning flights on their way, FlyLo check-in girls

Melody and Keeley are on their lunch break.

-How's it going with your boyfriend?

-Which one?

-Craig.

-Black Craig or white Craig?

-White Craig.

-He's in prison.

-What for?

-Beating up black Craig.

But check-in boss Helen is about to impart some important news.

Hi, girls. Have you got a minute?

-Can it wait?

-We're still on lunch.

-I've got some news for you.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, congratulations!

-Oh, aye, I'm dead made up for yous.

-What are you, seven months gone?

No, no, no, I'm three months.

-Was it artificial insemination?

-No!

Not a gay guy with a turkey baster?

-No, it was the normal way, with my husband.

-You've got a husband?!

-Just goes to show, not all men are obsessed with looks.

-Yeah.

Right, well, I'm going to be taking maternity leave soon

so I guess one of you two will be asked

to take over as Check-in Manager.

Catch you later.

'Me and Keeley are bezzy mates.

'Yeah, we're like sisters.'

Yeah, she's like me much older sister.

Yeah, what she means is,

I did actually start at FlyLo a week before she did,

so I imagine Helen'll be putting me up for the promotion.

Or they may go for a much younger, fresher face.

Whatever happens, I know we'll always remain bezzy mates.

-In a way, I think you should get it.

-You should get it.

-No, you should get it.

-You should get it.

-You should get it.

-You should get it.

-She should get it.

-You should get it.

-You should get it.

OK.

Simon and Jackie Trent are Britain's first husband-and-wife pilot team.

Set heading zero nine two.

Heading zero nine two set.

-Set speed four seven zero.

-Speed four seven zero.

-Set...

-I haven't finished setting the speed yet, Simon.

-Sorry, I thought...

Can we just do one thing at a time, please?

-Yeah.

-Right, the speed is set.

I've been flying commercially for 15 years

and Jackie was a dental nurse.

Dental hygienist! There is a difference.

You do know that, Simon. He does know that.

And then Jackie felt she wanted to retrain and become a pilot.

He had an affair.

He had an affair with one of the stewardesses.

It wasn't an affair. It was a one-night thing.

-That makes it worse.

-How does that make it worse?

-It just does.

I did what any woman would do.

I spent five years retraining as a pilot

and now I come on all the flights with him.

We decided it was the best way forward.

-YOU decided it...

-Please don't undermine me all the time, Simon!

Yes, five years later, here I am, qualified as the First Officer

and it saved our marriage.

It's allowed us to trust each other again, hasn't it?

Yup.

Where are you going, Simon?

-I'm just going to the toilet.

-You went to the toilet over Norway.

-That was an hour ago.

-Who are you going to be talking to, Simon?

Who are you going to be screwing in the toilet?!

'Well, it's not always easy,

'you know, living together, working together.

'We have squabbles like any married couple.'

Well, like any married couple when one of them's had an affair.

Well, I didn't know that, did I?

This passenger is due to fly to Malaga for his sister's wedding,

but there's a problem.

He can't find his passport.

-Well, I've got me Nectar Card. Any good?

-Sorry, sir.

It's clearly got my name on it.

When you arrive without a passport, they'll send you straight back.

-Even if I show them my Boots Advantage Card?

-Sorry.

-Blockbuster Video Card?

-No.

-Dudley Swimming Baths Pass?

-Sorry.

What if I get to Spain

and get them to call Dudley Swimming Baths?

The lady there can vouch for me and say, "Yeah, it's Neil."

I'm sorry, sir, but you do need your passport.

All right, all right, I get it.

Oh, hang on a sec.

Thorpe Park Family Pass!

Come on!

'Well, this is madness.'

Apparently you have to have a passport now

to go to another country.

Excuse me, but I wasn't told.

That's FlyLo for you, isn't it?

Happy to take your money, but forget your passport and that's that.

Hope you've all got your passports!

Apparently you now need a passport to go abroad!

I'm never flying FlyLo again! You couldn't pay me!

Found me passport. It was just in me pocket.

-LIFT BELL RINGS

-It's 4.00pm and Mrs Wolf's flight is ready for boarding...

-Nearly there.

-..so Moses guides her to the departure lounge.

Young man, I'm very nervous

about sitting in the middle of the plane or the back of the plane.

I would be much happier sitting in the front of the plane,

in first class.

But you do have an economy-class ticket, Mrs Wolf.

Yes, but you tell them, you tell them that I have never flown before

and I'm very nervous

and they must put me in the first class with the free champagne.

Unfortunately, it's not Great British Air policy to offer free upgrades.

Yes, but you will tell them for me.

I'll call my supervisor and see what I can do.

Yes, you do it now.

Quickly!

My son is a doctor.

These two Japanese schoolgirls have flown almost 6,000 miles from Tokyo

just to meet their idol.

-We like Martin Clune.

-We love Martin Clune.

We seen him first in his show Men Badly.

He so cute. We also see him in William and alongside him Mary.

They're my best show.

I like him in Doctor Martins, where he plays Doctor Martins.

We found out on the Twitter that he landing here at this airport today!

He number one star in Japan. All the girls love him.

So we bring lots of gift for Martin Clunes.

Yeah, we show you.

We bring official Martin Clune breakfast cereal, Clune Pops.

-I like him with long hair.

-I like him with short hair.

And we bring official Reggie Perrin lunchbox.

And we bring a doll of Martin Clune for Martin Clune.

'Konnichiwa, Martin Clunes.'

And we have made up a song for Martin Clune. We do the song!

-No, too shy, too shy.

-No, we do the song, we do the song!

-No, too shy, too shy!

-No, we do it, we do it, we do it!

OK, we do the song now.

No, no, too shy, too shy, too shy.

No, we do the song. We said we do the song, so we do the song.

# Martin Clune, Martin Clune

# Ying, ding, ding, ling Martin Clune... #

ASUKA GRUNTS TUNELESSLY

# Martin Clune

# Martin Clune

# Ying, ding, ding, ling

# Martin Clune... #

ASUKA GRUNTS TUNELESSLY

ASUKA SPEAKS IN DEEP VOICE

# Martin Clune, Martin Clune

# Ying, ding, ding, ling Martin Clune. #

ASUKA SHOUTS GRUFFLY

Taaj is nearing the end of his shift,

but there's one more thing he wants to do while he still has the buggy.

-Hey, Lisa, does you want a ride?

-It's all right, thank you.

-Oh, go on.

-No, I'm fine.

Oh, go on, babes, I got the wagon today, isn't it?

Come on, get on the pussy wagon.

Come on.

-LISA SIGHS

-OK.

Wicked. So where do you want to go?

-The check-in desk.

-OK.

TYRES SQUEAL

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Right.

'That check-in girl is fit'

and I well reckon she fancies me,

but the journey wasn't quite long enough

so I didn't get a chance to cop a feel.

Back at Immigration, Ian's investigations are continuing.

Well, what I've done is I've taken a photo of our friend here.

I've noticed there are a number of differences.

In this photograph, he has a beard.

In this photo, he does not.

In this photo,

the skin is dark in tone. In this photo, it's a lot paler.

In this photograph, there is a man,

whereas in this photograph, there is a little girl.

Also, the ears are different, so...

Right, what I'm going to do,

I'm going to let you in this time, but with a warning.

You really do need to update your passport photograph.

Take care, Jennifer.

It's five o'clock and Precious is still at the airport.

-Oh, hello, petal, how are you?

-PRECIOUS LAUGHS

I'm very good, thank you. I've had a very busy afternoon.

I've been to Dixon and bought an alarm clock radio

for to listen to the Lord's song on a Sunday.

I've been to W Smith because they've got a special deal on -

OK, Now and Closer, three magazine for £2.95.

Praise the Lord for the multipack!

And I've been to Past Time, but there's not very much there.

It's mainly just shortbread.

Well, all this shopping has made me very tired so I just need to pick up

some bath and shower gel and go home and have a bath and shower.

Thank you, Gerald.

Take me now to Boot The Chemist, please.

Good man.

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine... #

Lavinia, your tights is falling down!

Thank you so much. Happy flighting.

Meanwhile at the departure gate, Moses is pulling out all the stops

to get an upgrade for his elderly passenger.

Mrs Wolf, I've just spoken to my supervisor

and explained that it's your first ever flight,

but he said there was nothing he could do,

so what I've done is, I've used my own personal Airmiles

and I've managed to get you an upgrade to first class.

I'm eating.

If you'd just like to wait here one second, Mrs Wolf.

-Right, now I've got your cigarettes and your whisky.

-For my grandson.

-Yes.

-Not me.

No. And the other things I put on my credit card for you,

the Yves Saint Laurent scarf, the iPad

-and the giant Toblerone.

-Yes.

And I'd just like to say from all of us here at Great British Air,

we wish you a very happy first ever flight.

-There we are.

-Yes.

Bye-bye.

Happy flighting.

Oh, I just remembered, I have actually flown before.

Many times. Goodbye.

If I ever see that woman again,

I will kick her in the face.

The sun sets on another day,

but the airport never sleeps.

What's your favourite live-action Disney film from the late '60s?

Sue and Geoff had their wedding in Disneyland

and consummated their marriage on the Peter Pan ride.

Basil The Great Mouse Detective was a fine movie, did you see that?

It's not good.

Simon and Jackie are still trying to patch things up.

What's for dinner tonight?

-Chilli con carne.

-OK.

I know you don't like it, but I do, so we're having it.

And Martin Clunes heard his Japanese fans were waiting for him

so had his plane diverted to RAF Northolt.

NANAKO SNIFFLES

ASUKA GRUNTS AND WAILS

Why?! Oh...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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