Episode 2 Come Fly With Me

This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

On today's show, Flylo owner Omar Baba takes on his rivals.

British Airways, you are the son of a whore. I spit on you.

-Fearghal's flight hits turbulence.

-Is that your wee sick bag?

OK, thanks for that.

Someone had lasagne, didn't they?

And Friends' star David Schwimmer has trouble at Customs.

Good morning, good morning...

It's 8am and airline owner Omar Baba is launching an unbelievable transatlantic deal.

Today I announce the launch of the Flylo £1 flight to New York!

Yes, you are correct! £1 to New York City.

(With a small booking fee of £480.)

In an effort to make his service more attractive to business passengers,

Omar is introducing brand new flat beds across his entire fleet.

OK, it looks like normal seat, but is a flat bed at the press of the button.

Well, good night.

Wake me up when we get to Birmingham.

HE SNORES

The early morning Our Lady Air flight from Cork has hit turbulence,

but cabin crew member Fearghal is quick to reassure his passengers.

Hello, is your name Holly?

Your mummy tells me you've been feeling a wee bit scared, is that right?

Yeah, she just gets a bit frightened, especially with all the turbulence.

Oh, you don't need to worry about that. That's just like a wee little pocket of air.

-Like driving along a bumpy road.

-You see?

-Yeah.

I've got somebody who's going to look after you, would you like to meet him? Yeah?

Hello, my names Brandon O'Bear, I'd like to be your best friend.

-Say thank you.

-Thank you.

35 euro.

Next, please.

Meanwhile, over at the Flylo check-in, Melody is faced with a common problem.

Oh, I'm sorry, madam, your case is too heavy to go in the hold, madam.

I'm going to have to ask you, madam, to remove some items from the case, please, madam.

Madam.

How's that now?

Still over, I'm afraid, madam.

'All we hear from passengers is that they don't like the new baggage allowance rules,'

but honestly, what do you really need to take on holiday?

Some Hawaiian Tropic, a couple of pairs of bikini bottoms

and a pregnancy testing kit.

-I'm very sorry, madam, it's still too heavy.

-How much over is it?

Five kilos. New Flylo rules.

New baggage allowance is outlined very clearly on the Flylo website, madam.

I was just about to tell the lady that.

What my colleague should have informed you, madam, is that it does state very clearly

on the Flylo website that before you travel you do need to check the Flylo website, madam.

-I didn't realise.

-www.Flylo.co.uk...

-Right.

-.com.org.net.com...

-Right.

Then .com again. It's very simple, www.Flylo.co.uk.com.org.net.com.com.

-Yes, thank you, Keeley.

-Always happy to help, Melody.

Still over, I'm afraid.

Ah! That's fine now, madam. Have a good flight. Next, please.

Since they've both been up for the job of check-in manager,

tensions have arisen between the two best friends.

If I get promoted as check-in manager, well,

when I get promoted as check-in manager,

I'm going to use the extra money to have a breast enhancement.

I actually had mine done when I was 12.

I could only afford to get one done, so I had this one done at Christmas.

I went from a D to an F, but if I get promoted I can have this one done as well.

Yeah, see if you can do a deal with the surgeon and get him to do your face at the same time.

On the other side of the airport, Flylo employee Taaj has just been told of a serious plane malfunction.

See what happened was was we was just getting the plane out of the hanger

and the wing fell off, so what they've got to do is stick the wing back on the plane,

but they've got to get themselves some special aeroplane glue, isn't it?

So there's going to be a little bit of a delay, but thing is, I don't want to tell passengers this

because it might make them tiny bit nervous,

so I've just been thinking of other things that I can tell them instead.

Excuse me?

-Yes, boss?

-What's the delay?

Erm, a volcano has erupted in Bradford and is spewing out all ash and that.

We've had a phone call from a women who lives near the airport,

and she's having a barbeque today, and she says please can we have

no planes flying overhead because it's a bit noisy.

We've run out of Appletize, so it's not safe to travel.

The pilot parked the plane and he can't remember where he left it.

One of the stewards has got eczema so it would be a bit risky, isn't it?

It's quite dark and the pilot is worried about flying the plane in case he can't see anything.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, really, how would you like to fly a plane at night?

The pilot's still at home. He's watching Avatar on DVD and didn't realise how long it was.

One of the stewards is a batty boy and he's just found out

his boyfriend's been bumming someone else and he's just crying and crying, so we can't fly.

That's ridiculous. I want a full refund.

-But we cannot give a refund because it is an act of God, isn't it?

-How is that an act of God?

God made him batty.

Come on, come on, boy.

Mickey and Buster, the airport's paparazzi, have just received

a tip-off that a very important passenger is about to touch down.

Her Majesty the Queen.

-Yeah, love the Queen.

-Lovely old Queen.

Thing about the Queen is she's done nothing but good for this country,

and when you see her on a postage stamp you can't help thinking,

-"Oh! She's a fine looking woman." I would.

-I would an' all.

-In fact, I'd take a photo of you doing it.

-That's very kind of you.

-Be lovely to have a memento.

-Yeah, I'm a traditional royalist, you know what I mean?

When the National Anthem comes on, I'm always first on my feet. Yeah.

# God save our gracious dum Long live our noble dum

# Dum dum dum Queen

# Land of hope and dum dum.

# Rule Bri-dum dum # Britannia rules the dum... #

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hold up, what's going on?

-Who is it?

-Hello, hello. Oh, you're joking.

-Who is it? Who is it?

-Who's joking?

-Oh, you're joking. You're having a laugh!

-Who's having a laugh?

The Queen has got straight off her plane into her Daimler.

-She's half way round the M25. We're not going to get a picture now.

-She's gone right up herself.

-I can't help thinking this whole Queen thing's has gone to her head.

-Cow.

All we was going to do was get a nice little shot of her,

crown on her head, corgi either side, showing a nice of bit of cleavage...

Boom, 50 quid from the Daily Star.

And if she's showing a bit of leg, we could flog it to Nuts Magazine. But no.

No, she's forgetting the fans. People like us who put her where she is today.

These celebrities complain about the paparazzi, but it's a two-way street, ain't it?

-Yeah, it's a two way street.

-Would she still be Queen if we didn't photograph her?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I suppose she would yeah...

-Yeah, she's the Queen after all.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Ian Foot is the airport's chief immigration officer.

His job is to prevent illegal immigrants from entering the UK.

Working in immigration,

you do sometimes get labelled with the racism tag.

I do take my job very seriously, but I'm not in any way racist.

In fact, one of my best friends is friends with a man who's black.

And he's very black.

Oh, yeah. Man, he's black, yeah.

Earlier today, Ian stopped a passenger at passport control

whom he believes is trying to gain unlawful access into the country.

Do you understand

why I have brought you here?

No, I don't.

Well, it's clear to me that you've got a forged passport.

-No, I haven't.

-Oh, it's a forgery, all right.

A very good one, I'll grant you that.

-But, er, there is one slight giveaway.

-And what is that?

-There is no such country as Liberia.

-Yes, there is, it's in Africa.

Oh, in Africa, you say.

It's on a map, look on a map.

All right, I will look on a map.

Yeah, I think I'm going to enjoy this.

Right.

-Liberia, you say?

-Yes.

We've got a new one, Chris, Liberia.

Africa. Africa.

Africa... Africa, Right, OK.

So, Mrs Mbutu,

would you be so kind as to point out

the location of this so-called Liberia?

There.

Oh, yes. Just hidden underneath Sierra Leone.

What I'm going to do is, I'm going to let you in this time,

but I would advise you, in future, to travel with a large atlas or globe

so you can prove to people you haven't made up your country. Good day.

This is disgraceful.

-Right.

-You are a very ignorant man.

-All right.

-I am disgusted by the way that I have been treated.

-OK.

-May I leave now?!

Yes.

You have insulted the people of my country.

Yeah, I'm actually on my lunch break now, so anything else you say doesn't really count.

Oh!

Don't know what rattled her cage.

People come from far and wide to work at the airport.

Tommy is obsessed with planes, and it's always been his dream to work in the aviation industry.

I really, really want to be a pilot,

but I found out that you have to have passed lots of exam...examinin...

tests to be one. So what I've decided to do instead

is to get myself a job at the airport then work my way up to being a pilot.

Er, cheeseburger.

Press cheeseburger.

Large chocolate milkshake.

Press large chocolate milkshake.

Chicken nuggets.

Press chicken nuggets.

Two apple pies.

Press apple pie.

Press it again.

I found it quite complicated, but now I've served my first customer,

I think I'm definitely on my way to becoming a pilot.

Now ask, "Would you like fries with that?"

-Would you like fries with that?

-Yeah, not me. Him.

So next time you're on a plane, listen out because you might hear a voice saying,

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board, this is Captain Tommy speaking.

"Would you like fries with that?"

Meanwhile, there have been reports of a serious incident in duty free,

and the police are on site within minutes.

We've had reports of a gentleman who's very drunk and has been abusive to members of staff.

I'll have a can of whiskey. I tell you what, give us a kiss.

It's all right, Margaret, I'll deal with it. Calm down, please, sir.

I just want one bottle of whiskey. What's the matter?

You appear to be very drunk and you've been abusive to members of staff.

I'll admit I've had a drink. I've had a drink. I won't fool you.

-I've had a drink.

-I need to escort you out of the terminal.

I'm not going. Me plane goes in half an hour.

We need to take you outside, get you some fresh air inside you and some black coffee.

All right. I'll go.

I fly better when I've had a couple of drinks, anyway, you know what I mean.

Oh, I'll be all right, once I get up there. I'll open the window.

The Our Lady Air flight to Dublin is boarding.

-Morning.

-Morning.

And Fearghal is breaking in a new steward.

I'm really excited about today as it goes,

cos I just qualified as a steward and this is my first ever flight

and, you know, being a steward is great, you know,

and the money's not bad, you get to travel a lot and, er, meet loads of birds. All right.

'Lasagne or coq au vin?'

Lasagne or coq au vin?

Hah... I had coq au vin last night.

-Oh, right?

-Yeah, my friend's just bought a transit.

Lasagne or coq au vin?

'I might be wrong, but I got a feeling'

that the guy I'm working with could be gay.

Get you!

I ain't got nothing against 'em, but I'm not one myself, so what

I'm going to do is I'm going to subtly mention that I'm straight

and hope he gets the message.

Any duty free for you today?

Any duty free for you today?

-Any duty free for you today?

-Any duty free for you today?

-Any duty free for you today?

-Any duty free for you today?

Any duty free for you today?

Yes, some Chanel No5, please.

Oh, certainly, madam, there you go.

That's what my girlfriend likes.

-Oh, right?

-Yeah, I buy it for my girlfriend.

Cos my girlfriend likes it, cos I really love my GIRLFRIEND.

Great.

Girlfriend!

'I don't know what it is about Lee,'

but I'm getting quite a gay vibe from him.

Mind you, you know what they say.

What's the difference between a straight man and a bisexual?

Two pints of lager.

-Another pint of lager?

-Yeah, all right.

Before their return flight tomorrow,

-Lee and Fearghal have been booked into a hotel in Dublin.

-Bottoms up.

-Ain't you drinking?

-No, I like to stay in control.

# You raise me up

# So I can stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy sea... #

It's 8am and back at the airport, coffee kiosk employee Precious

is faced with the morning rush...

Come on! Shoo!

..but she's having to close early.

Problem today, we got no paper cup.

We got coffee, we got milk, we got water, we got fire, we got sugar,

we got sweetener, we got chocolate sprinkle but we got no paper cup.

Well, we suppose we got no option but to spend the rest of the day playing

on the fruit machines with the petty cash from the till.

Praise the lord for the £30 jackpot.

Closed. Oh, don't worry, me going to give all me winnings to the church.

On the third day he rose again.

Hallelujah.

# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya

# Oh Lord Kumbaya. #

Over at the check-in desks, Melody and Keeley are hard at work.

To be honest, I really took this job because I wanted to travel.

I felt I needed to broaden my horizons, and this year I've already

flown to Birmingham, Manchester and had a week in Luton.

Since the opportunity for promotion has arisen, Keeley has been keeping

-a close eye on her friend's performance.

-Thank you.

Melody, you didn't ask the security questions.

-Oh, sorry, sir. I forgot to ask you the security questions.

-OK.

-Did you pack the case yourself?

-No.

-Could anyone have interfered with your luggage at any point?

-Yes.

-Did anyone ask you to bring anything onto the aircraft?

-Yes.

Does your bag contain any lighters, aerosols or any sharp objects?

-Yes, all of those.

-Good. Enjoy the flight.

Yes, I think what happened earlier with the security questions does show that whichever

one of us does get Helen's job, it's probably better if it's someone with experience.

I think experience is important, but I know

in my short time at the company I have already made a big impact.

I don't know if you've seen this.

This is the Flylo Hotties calendar that was brought out last year.

Omar Baba personally selected all the sexiest girls who work for the airline.

And I was actually Miss October.

You weren't asked to do that, were you, Keeley?

No, I wasn't, Melody, but I probably wouldn't get involved

with something like that because I think it's quite down market.

You posted that video of you and your boyfriend on You Porn.

That was artistic.

Simon and Jackie Trent are Britain's first husband and wife pilot team.

Five years ago Simon had an affair,

but the couple are keen to put the incident behind them.

Having re-trained as a pilot, Jackie now accompanies Simon on all his flights.

Yeah, well, obviously it can be stressful.

You live together, you work together.

I don't find it stressful.

What I'm saying is, you know, sometimes there is that danger

that you've had a row at home and you bring it into work.

No. Not a problem for me.

'Swiftbird. 240 degrees to intercept the ILS.'

240 to intercept the ILS. Swiftbird.

'Swiftbird. When established, clear to descend on the ILS,

'runway 27, right. Report at four Delta.'

Clear to descend on the ILS, Swiftbird.

Can I just say you've got a really lovely voice?

'Er, thank you.'

Yeah, you've just got really lovely velvety tones.

-'Thanks.'

-I'm First Officer Jackie Trent, by the way.

'Oh. Um. I'm Nigel Stowe.

'Nice to speak to you, Jackie. Out.'

Are you on Facebook?

-'Repeat that. Over.'

-Are you on Facebook? Over.

-Jackie...

-I just really want to see what you look like.

'Er, for the record, I'm tall, I've got black hair and a moustache.'

You sound hot. Over.

Jackie, we've begun our descent. I need you to concentrate.

Oh, excuse me, Simon! I'm not the one who screwed someone else!

-'Just to say you're clear for final approach.'

-Thank you.

-Did you Sky+ Strictly?

-Yes.

Back in the terminal, Taaj is helping Flylo passengers check-in as quickly as possible.

Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

-Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

-No.

-Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

-No.

Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

-Is you travelling with just hand luggage?

-Yes.

-You is?

OK, come with me madam because we can now check you in electrono-logically, isn't it?

But I do need to make sure that your bag fits into the overhead locker.

Well, it's not going to fit in there, is it?

Oh. Oh, no. Well, you better join the back of the queue then, isn't it?

This is ridiculous! You couldn't get anything in there.

No, I know. Me and my mates was mucking about last night. I couldn't even get me cock in it.

Moses looks after first and business class passengers for Great British Air.

He's just been alerted that there's a very nervous flyer on board

this flight to Budapest, which is ready for take off.

-Are you my frightened lady?

-Yes.

Do you mind if I just perch my little bottom down here?

Have you been offered a small glass of fresh orange juice

-and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail?

-Yes, thank you.

OK, my love.

Now I'm going to give you a few facts about flight safety

just to put your mind at rest, if you'll pardon the pun?

Please.

Do you know how many planes actually went down last year?

I don't know.

-Have a guess.

-I don't really want to think about it.

-Go on.

-Five?

-More than that.

-Ten?

More than that.

50?

-A lot more than that.

-150?

-Little bit less.

-140?

122.

That's all.

And do you know how many planes were lost at sea last year?

I don't know.

Nine. OK, this is a fun one.

-No, thank you. I don't want to do this any more.

-No, no, no. This is a nice one.

Do you know how many planes were accidentally shot down in military exercises?

-I wouldn't want to think about that.

-Four.

OK? So I hope those little facts have put your mind at rest.

Happy flighting.

'Ladies and gentleman if you could just make sure your seatbelts

'are fastened as we've just been given clearance of take off.'

Budget airline Flylo have recently started selling holidays.

Judith and Peter were among the first customers to enjoy a Flylo cruise.

We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.

-Excuse me, Peter.

-Sorry, Judith.

We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.

We have had the cruise from hell!

-When we boarded...

-Peter!

-Sorry, Judith.

When we boarded the Flylo cruise liner,

we were shown to our quarters in the bowels of the ship.

Only to discover that our cabin was flooded waist-deep with seawater.

But we thought, "Ho hum, let's get on with it.

-"It's only our bottom halves that are going to get wet."

-So we set sail...

-Peter, I'm talking. It's very rude.

-Sorry, Judith.

We set sail and we'd only just left the port at Athens when it emerged

that all 780 passengers on board the vessel had contracted dysentery.

You had to queue for 14 hours...

Peter, you and I are going to come to blows in a minute.

You had to queue for 14 hours to use the lavatories.

Well, we'd been waiting 13 hours and it was very nearly our turn

when we heard gunshots and discovered the boat had been boarded by pirates.

-They rounded up all the passengers...

-Peter!

They rounded up all the passengers on deck and singled out Peter and I

and took us hostage, which meant we missed the buffet.

We were then taken to a room and told that one of us

was going to have to perform sexual acts upon the pirates at gunpoint.

Well, I popped my hand in the air and volunteered Peter,

but before my husband had a chance to engage in anything other than

mild foreplay with three of the men the boat was stormed by the Greek coast guard.

There was a shoot-out. Bodies everywhere and just as I thought,

"Surely this cruise can't get any worse,"

we discovered that the cabaret that night was John Barrowman.

That's when I broke down.

It's 4pm and although it's been several hours since Precious

was forced to close the coffee kiosk, she's still at the airport.

Oh, a very bad thing just happened.

I was playing on me Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.

You know the television show with that nice Christian boy Noel Edmonson?

Well the Devil must've got inside Noel cos he just thieved £180 of the petty cash from me.

Well, don't worry because I'm going to win all the money back.

Have you got change of a £10 note?

Quick as you can, my love.

I don't have £10, I've only got £5.

There's a place for you in heaven.

Hey! Get away from that fruit machine! I've got my money in there!

Gambling is the Devil's work.

Come on, Noel.

Our Lady Air cabin crew Fearghal and Lee are working the return flight from Dublin.

-Croissant or muesli?

-Croissant or muesli?

Croissant or muesli?

-Croissant or muesli?

-Croissant or muesli?

What happened last night was very much a one-off.

I've told Fearghal that.

I think just cos you have sex with a guy don't make you a gay.

Lee certainly knows how to please a man.

It was mind-blowing. He threw me round the room like a rag doll.

It was the most intense, animalistic, erotic encounter of my life.

Hope me girlfriend don't see this.

David Schwimmer has been stopped and searched at Customs.

The Friends star was attempting to smuggle a large number of illegal items into the country.

One copy Chicks With Dicks.

One copy She-male Orgy.

-One copy Tranny Mania.

-Tranny Mania.

One copy She-male Orgy 3.

One copy Lady Boy Lick Fest.

Final item - one copy She-male Sandwich.

Right. You're aware these items are illegal in the UK.

In which case would you care to explain to me why you have attempted to bring them into the country?

Well, this is very, very difficult for me because I don't want to get someone else in trouble...

but...they're actually a present for a friend.

-Which friend?

-Matt Le Blanc.

Matt Le Blanc?

That's correct.

It's sad, but erm,

he really can only become aroused when watching this sort of material.

Have you watched any of these films?

I have and I found it absolutely disgusting.

-Which of the DVDs did you watch, Mr Schwimmer?

-All of them.

All of them.

I was very curious as to what kind of films Matt had asked me to buy for him.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

You know the stories actually do kind of drag you in.

You know, will the pool get cleaned?

-You do realise that we have no option but to confiscate these items?

-Yeah, I do, I do.

And actually I'm glad because when Matt sees this on TV

he will understand that what he asked me to do is utterly unacceptable.

In fact, can I,

can I just address the camera for a second?

Matt, this is your friend David Schwimmer.

You've got a problem, buddy,

and I'm...

I mean you... Look, you're sick and you need help

and I will do everything within my power to help you get help.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

You guys are doing an excellent, an excellent job here

-and I really appreciate it.

-Sit down, sir.

They're for Jennifer Anniston.

And so another eventful day at the airport draws to a close.

Captain Stirick had a strong coffee and flew the airbus to Vienna.

Omar's flatbeds scheme went down like a cup of cold sick.

And David Schwimmer was admitted to a clinic in Arizona

to treat his addiction to transsexual pornography.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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