Episode 3 Come Fly With Me

This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

On today's show, would-be pilot Tommy goes plane spotting.

There's a plane!

There's a plane.

Flylo owner, Omar, gets personal.

Richard Branston is well known homosexual.

If you want to have bum bum time in the sky, you fly with him!

And we go behind the scenes to meet the baggage handlers.

It's 7am and Melody's first passengers of the day are proving difficult.

Children under two travel free,

but Melody believes this woman's son may not qualify.

Ross will be two the day after we get back from Malaga!

-He doesn't look two to me.

-Well, he's big for his age!

He's playing a computer game!

They grow up so fast these days - he's walking, he's talking, he's even smoking.

Madam, if a child is above 24 months you need to buy them their own seat.

-He's going to sit on my lap.

-I ain't sitting on your lap!

-You are sitting on my lap!

-I ain't gay.

Ross, come here. How old are you?

Ross...

One and half.

What year were you born?

-Last year.

-See.

I'm sorry, madam, I don't believe your son is

under 24 months and as such you will have to buy him own ticket.

Slag.

-Dealing with the public can be very stressful.

-Stressful, yeah.

But if you work at check-in, you do get a great discount on flights.

-In fact I went away only last week.

-Did you have a good time?

Yeah, the weather was amazing and I just laid out by the pool and there was loads of really hot guys.

-Where did you go?

-Abroad.

-Yeah, but where?

Well, I didn't get the name of the country, but it was very nice.

Flylo owner, Omar Baba, is not enjoying the morning papers.

Yesterday a passenger lost a leg on board one of his flights and the story is everywhere.

She claims that because the seats were too close together,

her leg was trapped and she developed blood clot

and in the end the stewardess had no option but to amputate.

I do not feel in any way responsible, but as gesture of good will

I sent her a very beautiful Christian Louboutin shoe.

To reassure potential customers, Omar has decided to film a commercial.

Hello, my name is Omar Baba.

You know me, I am the owner of Flylo.

Some people have criticised my airline for not having enough

leg room, but I'm here to reassure you that there is more than enough.

Here are some of my happy passengers.

Hello, my friends, have you got enough leg room?

-Yes, thank you, Omar.

-You see.

Flylo has so much leg room, maybe too much.

No?

Did you use dwarves in that?

No, they were not dwarves.

How dare you? How dare you insult them like that!

Get out, get out, get out of my plane! Shoo shoo.

Go, go, get out of my plane!

Half an hour, later Omar calls us back to his office.

I would like to take opportunity to apologise for my outburst.

I've since found out that they were, in fact, dwarves.

I've launched full investigation at how this could happened

and in meantime, I've had dwarves sent back to Magic Forest.

Is you rolling, is you rolling?

Don't lie, is you rolling? What you filming this on anyway, is it 3D?

You do know if it not 3D nobody's going to watch it, isn't it?

Taaj works as one of Flylo's roving ground crew, but his real ambition is to become a film director.

OK, so here's my favourite films of all time in reversalogical order.

Avatar, Transformers 2 Revenge Of The Fallen, Avatar - Director's Cut,

Transformers, Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time, Clash of Titans,

Avatar - Ultimate Edition, Avatar - Special Edition, Winnie the Pooh on a Blustery Day,

X-Men Origins - Wolverine and me favouritest film of all time is Avatar 2.

I know it's not been made yet, but I just know it's going to be the best film ever.

A committed film fan, Taaj often comes in early to browse the latest DVDs.

There's some good movies here, isn't it? Have you seen this movie, Alien Versus Predator?

This is exactly the kind of movie I would like to direct.

Because it's actually twice as good as most movies, because it's got Alien and Predator.

There's another movie like this - Freddie Versus Jason.

And then I saw another one, but I didn't think it was as good - Kramer Versus Kramer.

I think it's really wrong that people illegally download films. It's killing the film industry, man.

I would never do that, I buy all my films.

I don't buy them here - it's way too expensive.

I buy them from this Chinese man down the pub, they is only 99p, isn't it?

-Oh, man, Avatar. Have you see Avatar?

-No.

You haven't? You're gay, man, I'm not being funny, you are gay.

Chief Immigration Officer, Ian Foot, has to stay

in peak physical condition to safeguard our nation's borders.

Every day millions of people try and enter this country illegally.

A lot of them are foreign, many of them are dirty

and unfortunately all of them are smelly.

My job, in a word, is to keep them out.

This morning, suspicions have arisen over a passenger who has flown in from Paris.

Do-you-understand-why-you-are-here?

Yes, I speak perfect English.

Good!

The problem is I do not believe you are the same person as in your passport photograph.

It is me. I just had a moustache when that was taken.

-That is not the only difference.

-What else is there?

-The shirt is different.

-Yes, I was wearing a different shirt that day.

-The background is different.

-You don't say.

Also in the photograph your face is grey in colour,

whereas today it's more of a pinky hue.

The picture is in black and white. What are you, an idiot?

That sort of language will have you thrown out of this country.

You make no mistake about that, young lad.

To help settle the issue,

Ian decides to take a different approach.

Right.

Ah.

In the photograph the gentleman clearly has a moustache,

but you look like you've just had one drawn on with a pen. Not even very well.

I've decided that the best course of action is to detain our friend

here until such time that his moustache grows and take a view then.

If in doubt, keep them out.

Great British Air's only flying couple are Captain Simon Trent and his wife, Jackie.

-You've put on a lot of weight.

-We've been through this.

-I didn't marry a fat man.

But today, for the first time, they are working apart.

We're actually flying to different places today.

-That's right.

-I've been put on a flight to the Isle of Man.

Whereas Simon is jetting off to Las Vegas. Las Vegas - the city of sin, isn't it, Simon?

-I wouldn't know.

-Oh, you would know, you know all about sin.

-Jackie...

-Lap dancing bars galore.

-Hookers on call 24 hours a day.

-Are there?

-Yes, there are.

-I Googled escort service Las Vegas and there were 1.3 million results.

-What did you do that for?

Because a marriage is all about trust and unfortunately, you broke that trust when you had an affair.

How many times! It wasn't an affair, it was a one-night stand.

You told me you did it again in the morning and that to me is an affair.

I think every woman out there would agree with me.

At the boarding gate for the flight to Las Vegas, Jackie is waiting with a surprise for Simon.

-What's she doing here?

-Hello, Simon.

I booked Mummy a last-minute seat so she could come with you. I know how much you love spending time with her.

-Yes.

-Come on, Simon!

-Have a great time together.

-We will.

I bought her some mace and a rape alarm, just in case he tries it on with her.

Every day thousands of items of luggage pass through the airport.

They are sorted by handlers like John and his son, Terry.

Nah, this ain't the easiest job in the world, this.

-All people do is moan about us, don't they, Dad?

-Yeah.

They say we're always on strike, or stealing stuff from the luggage.

Yeah, but if we're on strike, we can't be stealing stuff from the luggage, can we?

And if we're stealing from the luggage, we must be at work.

So the idea that we're always doing both at the same time is just not true.

Yeah, people moan that their bags always end up in the wrong places.

You see the thing is if we're supposed to get a bag on the flight

to New York and we miss it we just sling it on a plane to Delhi.

At least that way the passenger's got the peace of mind of knowing that their bag has left London.

-And the cases are getting heavier.

-It's a nightmare.

Some people can't go abroad without taking the kitchen sink nowadays.

Well, it ain't a problem for you - you don't lift no cases no more.

Nah, I put me back out 2003, so I don't lift no bags no more, nah.

Nah, I'm lucky not to be in a wheelchair, me.

-You was only lifting an umbrella.

-Yeah, had a wooden handle, though.

Cheeky sod.

# Morning has broken... #

It's 11:30 and over at the coffee kiosk, Precious is once again having to close early.

Before my shift started this morning me went to the nail salon

in Terminal 2 to get some false nails put on.

It is me stepniece Prudence's christening on the weekend,

but the women in the nail salon, she made my nails too long and, look, they're not my colour either.

Look, you see, you see the nail?

So now me cannot grip properly. So me cannot make no double espresso.

Me cannot make no skinny latte. Me cannot make no caramel macchiato and me cannot make no frappe cappuccino!

Beware Satan. So it is with great regret that I must close the store early and go back to the nail salon

and have another manicure and also a pedicure. Praise be to Jesus for his complimentary peppermint foot scrub!

He died so that we may live. Amen.

Penny is the head stewardess in Great British Air's First Class.

Our first class service is the finest in the world.

Upon boarding one is served champagne and canapes.

Then it's a five-course lunch with wine.

Ten minutes after that we serve sandwiches and scones then after

that it's dinner, followed by a cheese board and liqueurs.

Then you're force-fed a whole box of chocolate truffles.

Then we darken the cabin for a few seconds and then serve a full English breakfast. Welcome to First Class.

Today she is welcoming passengers on board a flight to New York.

Our departure today will be slightly delayed. We had a Welsh

gentleman travelling with us this morning and as a precaution I had the entire first class cabin de-loused.

-Welcome to First Class.

-Afternoon.

-Economy is that way.

-No, we're travelling First Class.

-Let me see your boarding passes.

Our son bought us the tickets for our 40th wedding anniversary.

-Have you travelled First Class before?

-No.

I don't think you'd like it in there.

-I think you'd find it too nice.

-Well, we're happy to give it a try.

The thing is, there are people in there who travel First Class all the time and one of the things

they pay for is not to have to look at people like you.

But we've got First Class seats.

But if I let you in, you'll hog the copy of Tattler, you'll try

and steal the Molton Brown handwash from the lavatorium and you'll spit on the floor.

-We wouldn't do that!

-You look like spitters to me.

We've got the tickets and we're going in whether you like it or not!

Tommy came to the airport to pursue his dream of becoming a pilot.

But so far, he's only made it as far as Happy Burger.

It's going really well.

I'm nae a pilot just yet, but I have got three stars on my name badge.

Er, this one was for being here a week.

This one was for putting the cheese into cheese burgers and this one was for mopping up sick.

They're so impressed with me they've made me be Assistant Supervisor.

So now it's my job to train up the new staff.

Can I have a burger, please?

-Burger.

-Burger.

-Press burger.

-Press burger.

-Onion rings.

-Onion rings.

Onion rings.

Press onion rings.

Press onion rings.

I do still like to have the Supervisor with me, just to make sure I'm doing it right.

-Fries.

-Fries.

-Fries.

-What size fries?

-What fries size?

-What fries fries?

-Small.

-Small.

-Small.

-Press small then.

Press small then.

-Strawberry milkshake.

-Strawberry milkshake.

-Chocolate milkshake.

-No, strawberry milkshake.

-No strawberry milkshake.

-No strawberry milkshake.

I have to be careful though. If I too many get stars

there's a danger I may become over-qualified to be a pilot.

Can I have the code for the toilet, please?

Can I have the code for the toilet, please?

-Can I have the code for the toilet, please?

-295.

245.

361.

Penny's flight for New York is minutes from takeoff.

Look at her!

Disgusting little piggy. Eugh!

Look at him - guzzling champagne like some filthy backstreet wino.

-Excuse me, would you take a photo of us, please?

-That's it. Out!

-What we done wrong?

-Lewd behaviour.

-Excuse me?

-Loutishness, coarseness and all round general yokelism.

On your feet, chop chop, out.

We're not going anywhere! You've been nothing but rude to us since the moment we got here.

SIREN WAILS Air Rage! Air Rage!

Air Rage! Air Rage! Air Rage!

Unfortunately, I had no option but to have those two passengers ejected from the plane.

Can you stand up for me, please, sir?

My recommendation will be that they are banned from all future air travel.

So perhaps next time they're on a plane they'll think about their behaviour.

Well, they won't be on a plane, but you know what I mean.

-It's one o'clock and Melody and Keeley are enjoying a well-earned lunch break.

-How's it going?

-Yeah, good. I got the stick, the patches and the gum.

-Is it working?

-Yeah, I'm down to 40 a day.

-Oh.

-Hi, girls!

-God, you look ready to pop.

I've got a way to go yet.

-Is it twins?

-No, I've had the scan, it's a girl.

At least you won't have to worry about it being born under weight.

I think it's great you having a baby at your age.

-Right.

-Yeah, you get more and more older mums these days.

Yeah, like my mum, she had me when she was 17.

What a bitch.

Also having lunch are the passengers of Fearghal's Our Lady Air flight.

We're flying to Rome today, so I put in a special food order for all the wee Italian folk on board.

For starters we have melon, with Parma spam.

Then spaghetti hoops. And for dessert -

a Cornetto!

We were meant to have some nice Italian red wine, but it didn't arrive.

So I'm just giving everyone a carton of Ribena.

Right. Who's ready for lunch?

Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today?

Yes, please, but I ordered a special meal.

That's right, 17D, Mr Ahmed.

Yes, I have it right here. There we are.

Thank you.

Excuse me, I ordered a Halal meal.

-What have I given you?

-You've given me a Kosher meal.

It's all the same, isn't it?

No, no, Halal meal is for Muslims and the Kosher meal for Jews.

I think you'll find there's only one true god and that's the Christian God. Enjoy your meal.

Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today?

Lunchtime is the perfect opportunity for Ian Foot to relax.

It's very important the whole life isn't work, work, work, work.

The rest of the Immigration Officers, they tend to go off to the canteen together at lunch time. So I like

to relax and unwind by sitting in my office on my own

and working on an idea I've had actually for a board game.

It's called Keep Em Out

and it's a fun immigration game for five to eight-year-olds.

Yes, it's very simple, this white figure here is an Immigration Officer and you are one of these hordes

of black, brown and yellow figures and the object of the game is

to gain unlawful access into the United Kingdom of Great Britain.

So you roll the dice - four. One, two, three, four.

Pick a card.

"You have smuggled yourself into the country on the back of a lorry.

"Move forward one square." Pick a card.

"You get a job as a mini cab driver. Move forward five squares."

One, two, three, four, five.

Pick a card.

Ah!

"A terrorist cell is discovered in your local place of worship.

"Move back two squares." That's unlucky.

Pick a card.

"You don't make any effort whatsoever to learn English - move forward six squares."

One, two, three, four, five, six. Roll again.

Final square. Congratulations, you have been given a luxury penthouse at the expense of the British taxpayer.

End of the game. I did send it off to Waddingtons, but I didn't hear back.

I can only assume they've got something similar in development.

Officers Roberts and Stewart work in Customs.

When you go through Customs, you are required to either pass through

the red channel, which means you've got goods to declare.

Or the green channel, which means you've also got goods

to declare, but you're going to try and get away with it.

A routine search of a passenger passing through the green channel...

-Someone's been busy.

-..has revealed a large haul of illegal substances.

This is quite a find. What we need to do now before we can officially charge the suspect

is identify and catalogue the substances found in the gentleman's suitcase.

Yup, I believe this substance is either cocaine or amphetamine.

I think it's cocaine.

Yeah, that's definitely cocaine.

Cocaine.

Wishwings. Collecting for Wishwings.

Executive Passenger Liaison Moses is spending a rare afternoon off collecting money for charity.

No? Selfish. Wishwings?

I keep it very quiet, but I actually do a lot of work for charity

and I have my own charity, called Wishwings. If you'll pardon the pun.

'We take very ill children and give them the flight of their lives.'

That's a free economy class ticket one-way.

Last year I took a young girl to San Francisco. Unfortunately

she was too ill to leave the hotel room, but I had a wonderful time.

And this year I'm planning to take a group of sick children to the Sydney Mardi Gras.

Basically, all the parents get sent one of these

and they can choose any destination they like.

Oh!

I'm about to meet a very brave little boy called Charlie.

His parents wrote to me and said he's not well at all,

so I'm taking him for a magical weekend in Mykonos. Hello.

-Hello, you must be Moses.

-I didn't know he was in a wheelchair.

-I'm afraid Charlie's taken a turn for the worse so he's had to start using the chair.

-Oh.

-Is that a problem?

-Well, it's just a lot of the bars I was planning to go to are

-in the backstreets and there's quite a lot of steps.

-Aren't you taking him to the beach?

To be honest, I'm so shattered from the clubs the night before I don't make it to the beach.

He was really looking forward to it.

Yes, but the priority for me has always got to be Charlie.

My concern is only for his health and well-being. Do you understand me?

-Yes.

-I think the best thing is, I go to Mykonos and then I call Charlie

while I'm there and tell him what a wonderful time I'm having. Yeah?

Yeah, would you like that, Charlie? Yeah!

Of course you would, course you would!

Oh, it's not contagious, is it?

Right, well, nice to meet you. Bye-bye.

We'll let you know how he gets on.

Yeah, text me.

Yes, it's a wonderful feeling helping others.

Just seeing the look on little Charlie's face when I told him

I was going to phone him from Mykonos, it was very special.

Sorry. Sorry...

I'm just... I'm just a little bit upset thinking about Charlie.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just I thinking about Charlie.

I'm fine.

Did you see Charlie's face?

-ANNOUNCEMENT

-Oh, it's my flight.

Back in customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart are still cataloguing the drugs.

I dunno what that is.

Heroin.

Is it?

Was they?

Did ya? Nice!

Taaj is reaching the end of his shift, but has just been phoned

by a colleague who has some very exciting news.

OK, so last weekend I wrote a movie script which I'm going to direct,

produce, star in, do the music and my mother is very, very kindly going to do the catering.

It's called Future Cop 2000 and it's all about this cop from the future

called Sanjay who solves crimes and that. It's really good, isn't it?

Very original, too. Excellent.

So what I need to do is find a big Hollywood movie star to help me get this project off the ground.

Now I just heard that Rupert Grints from the Harry Potters is flying in from LA.

So I'm going to see if I can give the script to him.

I'm so excited, man, this is my chance to be a big time movie directors!

Rupert. Hey, man, Rupert!

You is that Rupert Grints, isn't it?

-Rupert Grint, yeah.

-That's what I said, Rupert Grints.

-I love you, man, you is like one of my favouritest actors of all times.

-Thank you.

I love Harry Potter, but I never realised you looked like that, I thought your face was all CGI.

I haven't seen them all, though. I've only seen the one

where they're all in a school and it's all magic, wizards and shit.

-Oh, yeah, and I downloaded that film Driving School.

-Did you enjoy it?

I'm glad I didn't pay for it. It was just you and Julie Walters talking.

There were no tits or arse. You could at least done sex on her.

-It's a really good film.

-No, me and my brother didn't like it.

-Next.

-I've got to get my case, nice to meet you.

-I've writ a movie script.

Right.

Yeah, it's called Future Cop 2000, right, and I'm going to star in it,

but I need a really brilliant young British actor to play the enemy.

-Thanks.

-So can you give that to Daniel Radcliffe?

Tell him it's the part of the evil cyber, Wahid!

I'm shaking, man - that is the actual Ron Weasels!

Flylo recently branched out into offering package holidays.

But these customers are far from happy.

-I would like a complaint form, please!

-What's the problem?

Well, we booked a holiday through your so-called company and we have had the holiday from hell!

It was our anniversary, so we booked to go to Cyprus.

-It all started when we got off the plane.

-Yes, thank you, Peter.

It all started when we got off the plane and discovered that the Flylo hotel complex hadn't been built yet.

It was just a mound of earth. Well, that was our first disappointment, but we thought,

"Ho-hum, let's get on with it," and we dug a hole in the ground and stayed there.

-We booked for a continental breakfast.

-Yes, thank you, Peter.

We booked for a continental breakfast - meats and cheeses, a selection

of pastries, a choice of tea or coffee - but there was no food.

-Not a sausage.

-You're now complicating matters, Peter, because

-in fairness to Flylo, they never promised sausages.

-Sorry, Judith.

Apology accepted, Peter. Yes, there was no food whatsoever, but

we thought, "Ho-hum, no point feeling sorry for ourselves," and we survived on a diet of insects and grubs.

I'm a vegetarian, so I just ate soil.

Yes, I was coming to that, Peter.

Peter is a vegetarian so he just ate soil.

Now the problem was - I don't know if the soil hadn't been cooked properly,

-but Peter had a very, very bad upset stomach.

-Loose stools.

Peter, don't be disgusting - we don't need to hear about that!

-Sorry, Judith.

-Peter had very loose stools

and for the remainder of the trip was lying on the ground clutching his guts with a cork up his anus.

Wasn't the worst holiday we've been on, but it was certainly up there.

It six o'clock and Precious is still at the airport.

See what the nail shop lady done now?

She take the old nails off and put new nails on,

but they even longer, and look what she's done to my foots!

It's the craziness is what it is!

So now me consigned to wheelchair.

So me got no option but to take the rest of the week off.

The Lord sure do work in mysterious ways.

# He got the whole world in his hands

# He got the whole wide world in his hands. #

Back at Customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart continue their investigation.

RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

CHILL OUT MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah, you should just go. Yeah, cos, like, we're all on a journey.

Er...sorry we stopped you...

just try not to get in any trouble again, yeah?

Leave us something!

The sun sinks slowly beneath the horizon and another day at the airport draws to a close.

The Customs Officers felt a bit down the next day.

The couple ejected from First Class were taken for questioning in Guantanamo Bay.

And the man detained in Immigration grew a moustache,

but Ian decided not to allow him into the country...

..as he was French.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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