Episode 4 Come Fly With Me


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Episode 4

FlyLo becomes carbon-neutral at the insistence of owner Omar Baba. Meanwhile in first class, Penny gets a discreet visit from a member of the Royal Household.


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Transcript


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This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

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On today's show...

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Ian Foot.

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Immigration gets a call.

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Well, how brown? I'm on my way.

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Fearghal goes all out to impress his passengers.

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-Excuse me?

-Yes?

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I actually ordered a vegetarian meal.

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Oh, sorry about that. Right. Er...

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And there's something in the air for Simon and Jackie.

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Smells disgusting in here.

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It's probably just the air circulation.

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No, it smells like one of yours.

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Next please.

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It's 9am and at the FlyLo check-in desk Melody is faced with a weighty problem.

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-Are you travelling on your own?

-Yes.

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Sorry, I had to ask, but I can't see round you.

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Excuse me, Melody. Sorry, sir, can I just have a very discreet word?

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-What's it about?

-Big fat man there.

-Yes.

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Because of the gentleman's size he will need to purchase another seat.

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I've just been speaking to my colleague, and I'm going

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to have to politely request that you purchase a second seat, sir.

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-Because you're so fat.

-There's not much I can do about this, is there?

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No sir. So I'm going to put another £380 on your credit card and there's your two seats.

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-Boarding in half an hour.

-Thank you.

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What seats did you give him?

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-9B and 37D.

-It's got to be two seats together.

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Well, you never said that.

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Next please.

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-We get this most days now.

-Yeah.

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There's a great big fat person standing there

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and we have to tell them because they're so big

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they've got to buy another ticket.

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-It's one of the perks of the job.

-Yeah.

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FlyLo currently have the worse environmental record of any UK airline.

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But owner Omar has a plan to rectify the situation.

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Today I will make aviation history.

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I will announce that FlyLo is first airline to go green.

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Good morning, good morning.

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Good morning to you ladies and gentleman of the press.

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Today I bring you here, to this beautiful park

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to show you FlyLo's commitment to the environment.

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This morning I see catalogue of lies about my airline on programme called

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Daybreak. They say FlyLo is polluting the environment.

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Christine Bleakley you are not as attractive as you think and your teeth are too big for your mouth.

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And Adrian Chiles, you look like potato! Not nice potato, ugly potato.

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SPITS

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So today I am planting tree to show FlyLo's commitment to the environment.

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Please do come.

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Get good photo, please.

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How many trees are you going to plant, Mr Baba?

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Just this one. I now declare that FlyLo is carbon-neutral!

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Yes!

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'I have many other plans for my airline to help save environment.'

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I am going to make the skirts of stewardesses 30% shorter, use less fabric.

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From next week I am phasing out toilet paper in all of my

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planes and as of today I have stopped using deodorant.

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SNIFFS

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Musky.

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Fearghal works for Irish airline Our Lady Air.

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The company runs a Steward Of The Year competition, and this year Fearghal is desperate to win.

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One of things you get marked on for Steward Of The Year is how much duty free you sell.

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Our best selling items are perfumes and actually a lot

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of celebrities have started bring out their own scents.

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We've got Pam St Clement from EastEnders has brought out "Pat Smell".

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Sarah Ferguson. "Embarrassment", obviously.

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And for the men there's Ashley Cole, "Love Rat",

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Gavin Henson, "Greasy Face" and, er, this is a new one.

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Mel Gibson, "The Jews Are Responsible For All The Wars In The World".

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Doesn't really sell so well, that one.

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But no matter how much perfume

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he sells, Fearghal won't win Steward of the Year without excellent customer feedback.

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-Yes.

-Excuse me, I need a word.

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-I bought a business class ticket for this flight.

-Yes, sir?

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It cost £625, and I get on the plane and it seems to be absolutely no different to the economy seats.

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I'm terribly sorry, sir, I forgot to give you this.

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There we are, sir. Welcome to business class.

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We have these passenger questionnaires on all our flights now. It's to help

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the airline decide who should be Steward Of The Year, but I don't want to bother my passengers with that.

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I just want them to relax and enjoy the flight so I fill them in myself.

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And so far I've had a 100% approval rating, which is pretty amazing. Right...

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HE SPEAKS CHINESE

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I'm sorry, but you can't travel today because your passport is out of date.

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Back down at Great British Air check-in this passenger has a problem.

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But no-one can speak Chinese.

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Fortunately, Executive Passenger Liaison Officer Moses is quickly on the scene.

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Let me. I speak perfect Chinese.

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MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: Your passport is out of date.

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Out of date your passport is.

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No?

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Parlez-vous francais?

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Sprechen sie Deutsch?

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HE SPEAKS FLUENTLY IN GERMAN

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That's a shame. I don't speak any German.

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Other than "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" I'll try mime.

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No?

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Unable to overcome the language barrier, Moses is forced to think outside the box.

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So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you this

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and you've got to go outside

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and get on a bus to London,

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and hopefully you'll find your way back to China from there.

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I think he's getting some of it.

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Right, off you go, off you go.

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That's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.

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Get on the bus, that's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.

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At Great British Air, we do like to go the extra mile.

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It's 12 pm and love is in the air.

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Tommy isn't due at work for another four hours, but has come in early, because someone has caught his eye.

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'I'm so early today because there's a wee lassie who works at FlyLo check-in'

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and I really fancy her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

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In fact, she's so beautiful she shouldn't be working here, she should be working at a tanning

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salon. I've never actually spoke to her in the flesh, but last week

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I sent her a love letter with a chicken nugget sellotaped to it.

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And today's a big day, because I'm going to ask her if she wants to come out for dinner with me tonight.

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In fact, I've actually booked a table at KFC, so fingers crossed.

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There's a queue here.

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Right.

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Next please. Where are you flying to today? Right, OK...

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Simon and Jackie are Britain's first husband and wife flying team.

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But ever since Simon had an affair five years ago, the couple have had a stormy relationship.

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You need to have your back waxed as well. It's disgusting. It's like going to bed with a monkey.

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Fuel left and right, tank two-and-a-half.

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During the preparation for today's flight, Jackie has spotted a familiar name on the staff rota.

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She's on the plane. She's on the plane.

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The stewardess who slept with Simon, she's cabin crew today.

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There she is, over there.

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She doesn't know me but I know her.

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Oh, yes. Not as attractive as I thought.

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She must have put on weight, probably the guilt. Look her undressing those men with her eyes.

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-Welcome on board.

-Welcome on board!

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That's what she said to Simon.

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Just before he put it in her.

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Holiday Inn, Glasgow, April 27th 2005. It was a Thursday.

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I'm not going to mention it though. I've moved on.

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Ladies and gentleman, welcome on board this Great British Air flight 287 to Barcelona.

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We'll be taking off in just a few minutes.

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Our cabin crew on board today will be happy to help you in any way they

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can, especially Sally Wicks who will get down on her knees to help you.

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Just don't leave her alone with your husbands ladies, because Sally Wicks is nothing more than a trollop.

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-Right, that's it.

-No Simon, I'm going to say it.

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Sally Wicks is a is a jezebel. She's a homewrecker. She is the slutty slut slut of the skies.

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Enjoy the flight!

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-Do you want cream or ice cream with your apple pie tonight?

-Ice cream.

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Good, because we've got some in the freezer.

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It's lunchtime, but for Chief Immigration Officer Ian there's never a moment's rest.

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As Immigration Officer, you have to stay alert 24/7.

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Except at night when there are no planes.

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So I'm always thinking of new ways to keep my staff on their toes.

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Today I am transforming myself into your typical illegal immigrant from the South American area.

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My goal will be to enter the country without being apprehended.

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Let's see how tight the UK's Border Control really is.

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HE MOUTHS

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Hello, Ian.

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Well done, Kenneth. Very eagle-eyed.

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My staff do tend to spot me most of the time.

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I say most - so far they've spotted me every time, but I'm factoring in

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times in the future when I will slip through unobserved.

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Next please.

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Tommy is still waiting to ask Melody out for dinner, and has now been queuing for over an hour.

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Who's next, please?

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-You're next.

-Who's next please?

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Hello. Where are you flying to today?

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Er. "Pragooey."

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You mean Prague?

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Aye.

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Next please.

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-Do you have a ticket?

-No.

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-OK. Tickets are £375.

-Right.

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'It didn't quite go according to plan.'

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I've got to fly to the Czech Republic now, which I shouldn't

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really do, because I'm supposed to start work in ten minutes.

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Oh, can you call KFC for me and tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let the table go?

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Mickey and Buster, the airport paparazzi, are taking a short break.

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They have firm opinions on the best kind of celebrities.

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Oh, most of the celebrities we photograph are very nice as it goes.

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Yeah, if I had to pick a favourite I'd probably say, err, Colonel Gaddafi.

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-Lovely fella.

-Always stops by for a chat, asks after the wife.

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-I tell you who else is nice - Robert Mugabe.

-Oh, salt of the earth.

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See, he knows the value of a good picture, don't he?

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He came through the other day and someone had left a sombrero lying around.

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we asked him to put it on and he couldn't have been more obliging.

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-We got some very funny photos, didn't we?

-Yeah.

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Yeah. Who did we snap the other day, lovely guy from North Korea?

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Oh, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, Kim Jong.

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-Kim Jong.

-Kim Jong.

-Kim Jong come through the other day.

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Yeah, yeah and Jordan arrived at the same time.

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So we got them to pose together - made for a lovely spread in OK! magazine.

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That's it, yeah, we got in OK! magazine.

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-It's here, yeah we got it here.

-Open it up and show them.

-Here we go.

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-Yeah, I took that.

-He took that.

-I took that.

-I took that.

-He took that.

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-I took that.

-I took that.

-Yeah everyone wins, really.

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-We make a few quid, Jordan gets her face out there and we see the lighter side of Kim.

-Yeah.

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Lunchtime is normally a busy time for the coffee kiosk, but today Precious is having to close early.

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Well, today something very mysterious occurred.

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We got coffee, we got cup, we got sugar, we got sweetener,

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we got full fat milk, we got

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low fat milk, we got soya milk for the lactose intolerant community, and we got gas for to give us a hot,

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hot fire, but the Lord in his almighty wisdom

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has decided that today will be the day when we got no water.

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Looks like someone, and I don't know who, has taken a hacksaw and cut through the water pipe.

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Who would do such a thing?

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Well, anyway the plumber here now, but it going to take hours

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to fix so me got no option but to go to London town with my sisters

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and catch the matinee performance of Dirty Dancing.

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-Praise the Lord for the two-for-one ticket offer!

-I've fixed it.

-What?

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I've put a new length of pipe in so it should be working for you.

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There you go.

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May the Lord smite thee down.

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It's 3pm and the Woods family are checking in for their annual summer holiday, but there's a hiccup.

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I have actually got you booked in on this flight, but not until next Monday.

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-Eh?

-You're on the same flight, but I'm afraid you've come a week early.

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-John!

-Oh, sorry, love.

-Dad!

-What are we going to do?

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Well, there's no point driving all the way home and coming back, is there? We might as well stay here.

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Can we wait here?

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Well, I'm sorry, sir, that's not so good for the other passengers.

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Are we all right here?

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No, sorry, sir.

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-We're all right here though?

-No.

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Here?

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Well, passengers do sometimes get the dates of their flights wrong.

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I mean, we had a gentleman recently who turned up a year late

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for his flight to Manchester, but luckily

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for him the plane was delayed so actually he managed to board on time.

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Great British Air stewardess Penny is thrilled that Princess Anne

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is planning to fly with the airline next week.

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I'm not surprised that the Princess has chosen to fly with us.

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It's well known that we do provide the finest First Class service.

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For example, all us stewardesses are now trained in massage therapy.

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So on long haul flights we can offer shiatsu, Swedish, deep tissue - all of which come with a happy ending.

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Morning.

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A member of the Royal household has been sent to inspect the cabin.

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So the flight is next Tuesday.

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Yes, it is Tuesday but I'd rather you didn't broadcast it.

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And that should give you sufficient time to completely repaint and recarpet the cabin.

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Yes, yes, of course.

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May I say, how honoured I am that the Princess is flying with us.

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I have personally admired her for many, many years.

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One thing the Princess Royal despises is sycophancy.

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We need to discuss Princess Anne, the Princess Royal's, dietary requirements.

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-Do you provide a fruit salad?

-Yes, we do.

-Wonderful. Princess Anne, the

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Princess Royal, adores fruit salad, but she can be a trifle choosy about what sort of fruit she has in it.

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What does your salad contain?

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-Grapes.

-The Princess Royal does not eat grapes.

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-Strawberries?

-No.

-Kiwi?

-No.

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-Orange?

-No.

-Guava?

-No.

-Lychee?

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-No.

-Pomegranate?

-No.

-Passion fruit?

-No.

-Grapefruit?

-No.

-Pear?

-No.

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-Gooseberries?

-No.

-Blackberries?

-No.

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-Melon?

-No.

-Mango?

-No.

-Peach?

-No.

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-Pineapple?

-No.

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-Apple?

-Yes.

-Plum?

-No.

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-So just apples?

-Yes.

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So I should just give the Princess an apple?

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Yes. Do you provide yoghurt?

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Yes, we have the finest organic yoghurt flown in daily from Guernsey.

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The Princess detests yoghurt.

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Baggage handlers at the airport...

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have their part to play in keeping air travel safe.

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One of the things that I like to do is carry out

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my own personal security checks.

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It's not part of our official remit, is it, Dad?

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No, boy, but I feel it gives the public peace of mind, you know.

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-Right, what we got here? Yeah, that one looks good.

-This one?

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Yeah, the Louis Vuitton. Right, OK.

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Ah, it's got a lock on it.

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Ah, that's no bother. There we go.

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Right. Get that there.

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Oh, hello. Yeah, you see, now, very common, it's a laptop.

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This could have illegal images on it.

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So we'll, er, take that home for further analysis.

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Right, what else we got?

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Hello. "Gucky." Now the thing about the shoes, you can have explosive devices in the heel.

0:17:050:17:11

So, er, we'll also take them home.

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Plus they're my size.

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Go and have a look in here. Ha-ha! Here we go. Very common problem, this. The i-Pod.

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Yeah, now you're not allowed to have these on on take off or landing.

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Yeah, but they won't be able to use it, it'll be in the hold.

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Point of principle, son. Right what have we got in here?

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What's that? "Chay-nell Pour Om." Nah, you're not allowed liquids on board.

0:17:310:17:35

So, er, yeah, we'll set that down there.

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There's an aerosol in here.

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-You're not allowed them. We should take that out.

-Eh?

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We're not gonna get nothing for that down the market are we? Silly sod.

0:17:410:17:44

Right, that one's good to go.

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Omar Baba is famous for his playboy lifestyle, and he now hopes to cash in on this notoriety.

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with his own unique take on the Mile High Club.

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This is my "Loveatory".

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What you do is swipe credit card here. £10 per couple.

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£7 if you are flying solo.

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As you can see, it is very romantic.

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We have cushioned area here for extra comfort on the lady bottom.

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Commemorative tissue there, with my face on.

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Also on the back of safety card you have a number of love-making positions.

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And this one I do with some of my wives.

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And you can have as long as you like to explore and satisfy each other's bodies.

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As long as it's under two minutes.

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After two minutes, you hear this noise.

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'This is Omar. Stop doing a sex in my toilet. Thank you.'

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Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.

0:18:380:18:44

FlyLo Flight 475 has just touched down and the customer

0:18:470:18:51

service desk is about to receive another onslaught from regular passengers, Peter and Judith.

0:18:510:18:56

Right, I'm going to give that woman a piece of my mind.

0:18:560:18:59

-Judith, please calm down.

-No Peter, I will not be becalmed.

0:18:590:19:02

We have had, and I never thought I'd utter these words, the holiday from hell.

0:19:020:19:07

By way of apology for the previous debacle,

0:19:070:19:10

FlyLo offered us a very good deal on a package holiday to Colombia.

0:19:100:19:15

Now as soon as we came out of Bogota airport...

0:19:150:19:17

As soon as we came out of Bogota airport, Peter was bitten by a rabid dog.

0:19:170:19:20

Within minutes, he was howling and foaming at the mouth.

0:19:200:19:23

My first thought was "Can I have Peter put down?" I looked into it...

0:19:230:19:27

But the doctors said it was unethical.

0:19:270:19:29

Yes, thank you, Peter. But the doctors said it was unethical.

0:19:290:19:33

Peter became more and more ill.

0:19:330:19:34

-I had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.

-Peter, don't be so crude!

0:19:340:19:38

-Sorry Judith.

-Peter had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.

0:19:380:19:41

If you'd spun him round, you'd have thought he was a catherine wheel.

0:19:410:19:45

-So we decided....

-So I decided that the best course of action was to take the first plane home.

0:19:450:19:50

Now while we were waiting at the airport, a very charming man called

0:19:500:19:55

-Carlos approached me and offered me 5,000 to take his briefcase through Customs.

-I had reservations...

0:19:550:20:01

Peter had reservations but we were saving up for a loft conversion, so

0:20:010:20:04

I said "Yes", and gave the briefcase to Peter to carry.

0:20:040:20:07

-When we landed in England...

-Peter, if I could just get a word in edgeways!

-Sorry, Judith.

0:20:070:20:12

I should hope so too, Peter.

0:20:120:20:13

When we landed in England, Peter was stopped at customs.

0:20:130:20:17

They searched the briefcase and found 20 kilograms of cocaine,

0:20:170:20:21

with a street value of half a million pounds.

0:20:210:20:23

Peter was arrested and is looking at a prison sentence of no less than 12 years.

0:20:230:20:29

If I had to rate the holiday out of five, I'd struggle to give it more than three.

0:20:290:20:34

Back in the First Class cabin, Penny is still busy making preparations for Princess Anne's flight.

0:20:360:20:43

Now each passenger has their own in-flight entertainment system

0:20:430:20:46

that allows them to browse genres and choose from all of the latest releases.

0:20:460:20:50

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, is extremely particular about which actors she's willing to watch.

0:20:500:20:55

A list of approved actors is as follows.

0:20:550:20:58

-Let me just get a pen.

-Quickly.

0:20:580:21:00

-Yes?

-Jason Statham.

-Yes.

0:21:000:21:02

-Jet Li.

-Yes.

-Dolph Lundgren.

-Yes.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes.

0:21:020:21:07

-Sylvester Stallone.

-Oh, well, there is a film with all those people in.

0:21:070:21:11

I believe it's called The Expendables.

0:21:110:21:13

Maybe I could order that in especially for the Princess.

0:21:130:21:16

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal has already seen The Expendables.

0:21:160:21:19

-Did she like it?

-No, she did not. She said it wasn't nearly violent enough and I quote, "It was for pussies".

0:21:190:21:26

WishWings. If you'll pardon the pun.

0:21:280:21:30

Moses has spent the afternoon collecting money for his charity, WishWings.

0:21:300:21:34

Oh, thank you very much, that's very generous. I'll make sure most of that goes to the charity.

0:21:340:21:38

And he's now on his way to meet a very important passenger...

0:21:380:21:42

Happy flighting.

0:21:420:21:43

..who's come all the way from Albert Square. Barbara Windsor MBE.

0:21:430:21:49

Get out of my pub, please! Ha-ha!

0:21:490:21:52

Miss Windsor, my name is Moses. I've been asked to take you through to the gate.

0:21:520:21:55

-Oh, do we have to go now?

-No, not for another hour.

0:21:550:21:58

Oh, right.

0:21:580:22:00

Can I ask you a question, Miss Windsor?

0:22:070:22:09

Yes, course you can, darling.

0:22:090:22:11

How on earth did you get an MBE?

0:22:110:22:13

I beg your pardon?

0:22:150:22:16

I've seen your bra flying off in those Carry On films, and I've watched you shouting at people

0:22:160:22:20

in EastEnders, and I thought it can't have been for that.

0:22:200:22:23

Well, I got it for services to entertainment and, actually, I do a lot for charity.

0:22:230:22:28

-I do a lot for charity.

-Oh, really?

0:22:280:22:31

Yes. I run a charity called WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun.

0:22:310:22:35

But I myself have never been given an honour.

0:22:350:22:38

-Oh, right.

-A lot of people say to me "Moses, you should really have an OBE

0:22:380:22:43

"or a knighthood", but I don't do it for that. I do it for the children.

0:22:430:22:48

Well, yes, that has to be the reason.

0:22:480:22:51

Yes.

0:22:510:22:53

But I still want one. Can you get me one? Because you've managed to wangle yourself one.

0:22:530:22:57

No, sorry, I can't do that.

0:22:570:22:59

Selfish.

0:23:000:23:02

Oh, erm, Miss Windsor, can I just have your autograph, please?

0:23:040:23:08

Yes, of course you can.

0:23:080:23:11

Excuse me, what's this?

0:23:140:23:15

-Oh, nothing. Nothing.

-No, no, no.

0:23:150:23:17

Just sign at the bottom there.

0:23:170:23:19

"Dear Queen, I'm writing on behalf of my dear friend Moses Beacon.

0:23:190:23:23

"His charity WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun..."

0:23:230:23:27

-But there's no pun there.

-Yes, there is.

0:23:270:23:29

"..has helped literally three children achieve the flight of their lives, if you'll pardon the pun."

0:23:290:23:35

There's no pun there either.

0:23:350:23:37

-Yes, there is.

-"You may like to know that the Honorary President of WishWings is Tania Bryer."

0:23:370:23:42

-Now who's Tania Bryer?

-That's low.

0:23:420:23:45

"You should definitely make him a knight or at least an OBE.

0:23:450:23:49

"Though not just an MBE that would be a bit of an insult.

0:23:490:23:53

"Yours sincerely, Barbara Windsor.

0:23:530:23:55

"You know, that little old common lady off the TV."

0:23:550:23:59

Do you need a pen?

0:23:590:24:01

Piss off.

0:24:010:24:03

Back in the First Class cabin,

0:24:040:24:06

Princess Anne's lady-in-waiting

0:24:060:24:08

has completed her inspection.

0:24:080:24:10

I very much look forward to meeting the Princess on Tuesday.

0:24:100:24:13

Don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't make a lunge at her.

0:24:130:24:16

I wasn't going to.

0:24:160:24:17

I know a lunger when I see one. In fact I shall make a personal request that you are not on the flight.

0:24:170:24:21

Good day.

0:24:210:24:22

Ho-huh!

0:24:250:24:26

What an awful snob that woman was.

0:24:300:24:35

After Jackie's outburst on the plane, she and Simon have some news.

0:24:350:24:40

-Yes, I decided that the best thing to do was for us to separate.

-Well, actually, I said it first.

0:24:400:24:45

Yeah, but I thought of it before you said it, so, technically Simon, it was my decision.

0:24:450:24:50

Yeah, I mean we're still working together obviously.

0:24:500:24:53

We're still living together, we've only got one bedroom so we're still sharing a bed.

0:24:530:24:57

The only difference really is that we're not physically intimate with each other.

0:24:570:25:00

Well, we haven't been for five years anyway.

0:25:000:25:03

No. So I've just started dogging.

0:25:030:25:05

-Really?

-Yes, it's very nice.

-Where do you do that?

0:25:060:25:10

-In the cul-de-sac.

-What, and other people are there having sex?

-Yes.

0:25:100:25:16

-We're all having a gay old time.

-Anyone I know?

0:25:160:25:19

I don't know, I've only seen them from waist down.

0:25:190:25:21

It's been a long week for the Woods family

0:25:230:25:26

who are still waiting for their flight.

0:25:260:25:29

It's been all right. We make do.

0:25:290:25:31

Yeah, I mean you talk to the other passengers and you make new friends.

0:25:310:25:34

Then they have to fly away of course.

0:25:340:25:36

Yeah, but then you see we're here to greet them when they come back, which is nice.

0:25:360:25:40

It was our anniversary last night, so we sat the kids in front of the

0:25:400:25:45

departure boards and we took the monorail down to Terminal 2 and we went to the Cafe Rouge.

0:25:450:25:49

Yeah, they gave us a lovely little table outside, near Tie Rack.

0:25:490:25:53

And on the weekend we took the kids out for a treat, down to Baggage Reclaim.

0:25:530:25:56

Yeah, we played a little game with them, didn't we?

0:25:560:25:58

"Can you guess what colour the next case is going to be?".

0:25:580:26:01

-Sometimes they're black, sometimes they're grey.

-Ooh, the red one.

0:26:010:26:04

Oh, yeah, we saw a red one the other day. That was very amusing.

0:26:040:26:08

We went to the Bureau de Change, and we changed our money into Turkish and then back again.

0:26:120:26:17

-That was a fun eight minutes.

-Hm.

0:26:170:26:20

-Smoothies.

-Oh, yes. We've discovered that they give out little samples of smoothies,

0:26:270:26:32

and if you collect enough of them during the day, by six o'clock you got your own full-size smoothie.

0:26:320:26:37

That's about it really.

0:26:390:26:41

Been a quiet sort of week.

0:26:420:26:45

-Oh, you won that Ferrari in the raffle.

-I did. That was nice.

-Yeah.

0:26:470:26:50

Night falls, and another day in the life of the airport draws to a close.

0:26:530:26:58

The Woods family ended up missing their flight and are still living in the terminal.

0:26:580:27:03

-Move your fat arse.

-I'm moving my fat arse.

0:27:030:27:06

Mickey and Buster added to their portfolio of world leaders

0:27:060:27:09

when they snapped Vladimir Putin playing frisbee with Abi Titmuss.

0:27:090:27:13

And Ian Foot remains vigilant.

0:27:130:27:16

Well, I've actually got the whole variety of disguises here.

0:27:160:27:21

Got Australian, Rastafarian, Russian, Lady Gaga

0:27:210:27:27

and Scotch.

0:27:270:27:30

Unfortunately these days there are more and more Scottish people trying to gain access to Britain.

0:27:300:27:35

Keep 'em out, I say. Keep 'em out!

0:27:350:27:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:570:28:00

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:28:000:28:03

Another visit to one of Britain's busiest airport terminals, in the company of Matt Lucas and David Walliams.

There is a bumpy ride ahead for husband-and-wife pilot team Simon and Jackie when Simon's one-night stand is rostered onto their flight to Barcelona. Can their marriage survive this latest turn of events?

Low-cost airline FlyLo becomes carbon-neutral at the insistence of owner Omar Baba, and we find out which member of FlyLo's glamorous check-in staff is the object of desire for Tommy Reid.

Up in first class, Penny gets a discreet visit from a member of the Royal Household, and we follow the important work of dog handler Steve Downes and his canine partner Bobo as they patrol the baggage halls for contraband.