Episode 4 Come Fly With Me

This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.

On today's show...

Ian Foot.

Immigration gets a call.

Well, how brown? I'm on my way.

Fearghal goes all out to impress his passengers.

-Excuse me?

-Yes?

I actually ordered a vegetarian meal.

Oh, sorry about that. Right. Er...

And there's something in the air for Simon and Jackie.

Smells disgusting in here.

It's probably just the air circulation.

No, it smells like one of yours.

Next please.

It's 9am and at the FlyLo check-in desk Melody is faced with a weighty problem.

-Are you travelling on your own?

-Yes.

Sorry, I had to ask, but I can't see round you.

Excuse me, Melody. Sorry, sir, can I just have a very discreet word?

-What's it about?

-Big fat man there.

-Yes.

Because of the gentleman's size he will need to purchase another seat.

I've just been speaking to my colleague, and I'm going

to have to politely request that you purchase a second seat, sir.

-Because you're so fat.

-There's not much I can do about this, is there?

No sir. So I'm going to put another £380 on your credit card and there's your two seats.

-Boarding in half an hour.

-Thank you.

What seats did you give him?

-9B and 37D.

-It's got to be two seats together.

Well, you never said that.

Next please.

-We get this most days now.

-Yeah.

There's a great big fat person standing there

and we have to tell them because they're so big

they've got to buy another ticket.

-It's one of the perks of the job.

-Yeah.

FlyLo currently have the worse environmental record of any UK airline.

But owner Omar has a plan to rectify the situation.

Today I will make aviation history.

I will announce that FlyLo is first airline to go green.

Good morning, good morning.

Good morning to you ladies and gentleman of the press.

Today I bring you here, to this beautiful park

to show you FlyLo's commitment to the environment.

This morning I see catalogue of lies about my airline on programme called

Daybreak. They say FlyLo is polluting the environment.

Christine Bleakley you are not as attractive as you think and your teeth are too big for your mouth.

And Adrian Chiles, you look like potato! Not nice potato, ugly potato.

SPITS

So today I am planting tree to show FlyLo's commitment to the environment.

Please do come.

Get good photo, please.

How many trees are you going to plant, Mr Baba?

Just this one. I now declare that FlyLo is carbon-neutral!

Yes!

'I have many other plans for my airline to help save environment.'

I am going to make the skirts of stewardesses 30% shorter, use less fabric.

From next week I am phasing out toilet paper in all of my

planes and as of today I have stopped using deodorant.

SNIFFS

Musky.

Fearghal works for Irish airline Our Lady Air.

The company runs a Steward Of The Year competition, and this year Fearghal is desperate to win.

One of things you get marked on for Steward Of The Year is how much duty free you sell.

Our best selling items are perfumes and actually a lot

of celebrities have started bring out their own scents.

We've got Pam St Clement from EastEnders has brought out "Pat Smell".

Sarah Ferguson. "Embarrassment", obviously.

And for the men there's Ashley Cole, "Love Rat",

Gavin Henson, "Greasy Face" and, er, this is a new one.

Mel Gibson, "The Jews Are Responsible For All The Wars In The World".

Doesn't really sell so well, that one.

But no matter how much perfume

he sells, Fearghal won't win Steward of the Year without excellent customer feedback.

-Yes.

-Excuse me, I need a word.

-I bought a business class ticket for this flight.

-Yes, sir?

It cost £625, and I get on the plane and it seems to be absolutely no different to the economy seats.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, I forgot to give you this.

There we are, sir. Welcome to business class.

We have these passenger questionnaires on all our flights now. It's to help

the airline decide who should be Steward Of The Year, but I don't want to bother my passengers with that.

I just want them to relax and enjoy the flight so I fill them in myself.

And so far I've had a 100% approval rating, which is pretty amazing. Right...

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

I'm sorry, but you can't travel today because your passport is out of date.

Back down at Great British Air check-in this passenger has a problem.

But no-one can speak Chinese.

Fortunately, Executive Passenger Liaison Officer Moses is quickly on the scene.

Let me. I speak perfect Chinese.

MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: Your passport is out of date.

Out of date your passport is.

No?

Parlez-vous francais?

Sprechen sie Deutsch?

HE SPEAKS FLUENTLY IN GERMAN

That's a shame. I don't speak any German.

Other than "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" I'll try mime.

No?

Unable to overcome the language barrier, Moses is forced to think outside the box.

So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you this

and you've got to go outside

and get on a bus to London,

and hopefully you'll find your way back to China from there.

I think he's getting some of it.

Right, off you go, off you go.

That's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.

Get on the bus, that's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.

At Great British Air, we do like to go the extra mile.

It's 12 pm and love is in the air.

Tommy isn't due at work for another four hours, but has come in early, because someone has caught his eye.

'I'm so early today because there's a wee lassie who works at FlyLo check-in'

and I really fancy her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

In fact, she's so beautiful she shouldn't be working here, she should be working at a tanning

salon. I've never actually spoke to her in the flesh, but last week

I sent her a love letter with a chicken nugget sellotaped to it.

And today's a big day, because I'm going to ask her if she wants to come out for dinner with me tonight.

In fact, I've actually booked a table at KFC, so fingers crossed.

There's a queue here.

Right.

Next please. Where are you flying to today? Right, OK...

Simon and Jackie are Britain's first husband and wife flying team.

But ever since Simon had an affair five years ago, the couple have had a stormy relationship.

You need to have your back waxed as well. It's disgusting. It's like going to bed with a monkey.

Fuel left and right, tank two-and-a-half.

During the preparation for today's flight, Jackie has spotted a familiar name on the staff rota.

She's on the plane. She's on the plane.

The stewardess who slept with Simon, she's cabin crew today.

There she is, over there.

She doesn't know me but I know her.

Oh, yes. Not as attractive as I thought.

She must have put on weight, probably the guilt. Look her undressing those men with her eyes.

-Welcome on board.

-Welcome on board!

That's what she said to Simon.

Just before he put it in her.

Holiday Inn, Glasgow, April 27th 2005. It was a Thursday.

I'm not going to mention it though. I've moved on.

Ladies and gentleman, welcome on board this Great British Air flight 287 to Barcelona.

We'll be taking off in just a few minutes.

Our cabin crew on board today will be happy to help you in any way they

can, especially Sally Wicks who will get down on her knees to help you.

Just don't leave her alone with your husbands ladies, because Sally Wicks is nothing more than a trollop.

-Right, that's it.

-No Simon, I'm going to say it.

Sally Wicks is a is a jezebel. She's a homewrecker. She is the slutty slut slut of the skies.

Enjoy the flight!

-Do you want cream or ice cream with your apple pie tonight?

-Ice cream.

Good, because we've got some in the freezer.

It's lunchtime, but for Chief Immigration Officer Ian there's never a moment's rest.

As Immigration Officer, you have to stay alert 24/7.

Except at night when there are no planes.

So I'm always thinking of new ways to keep my staff on their toes.

Today I am transforming myself into your typical illegal immigrant from the South American area.

My goal will be to enter the country without being apprehended.

Let's see how tight the UK's Border Control really is.

HE MOUTHS

Hello, Ian.

Well done, Kenneth. Very eagle-eyed.

My staff do tend to spot me most of the time.

I say most - so far they've spotted me every time, but I'm factoring in

times in the future when I will slip through unobserved.

Next please.

Tommy is still waiting to ask Melody out for dinner, and has now been queuing for over an hour.

Who's next, please?

-You're next.

-Who's next please?

Hello. Where are you flying to today?

Er. "Pragooey."

You mean Prague?

Aye.

Next please.

-Do you have a ticket?

-No.

-OK. Tickets are £375.

-Right.

'It didn't quite go according to plan.'

I've got to fly to the Czech Republic now, which I shouldn't

really do, because I'm supposed to start work in ten minutes.

Oh, can you call KFC for me and tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let the table go?

Mickey and Buster, the airport paparazzi, are taking a short break.

They have firm opinions on the best kind of celebrities.

Oh, most of the celebrities we photograph are very nice as it goes.

Yeah, if I had to pick a favourite I'd probably say, err, Colonel Gaddafi.

-Lovely fella.

-Always stops by for a chat, asks after the wife.

-I tell you who else is nice - Robert Mugabe.

-Oh, salt of the earth.

See, he knows the value of a good picture, don't he?

He came through the other day and someone had left a sombrero lying around.

we asked him to put it on and he couldn't have been more obliging.

-We got some very funny photos, didn't we?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Who did we snap the other day, lovely guy from North Korea?

Oh, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, Kim Jong.

-Kim Jong.

-Kim Jong.

-Kim Jong come through the other day.

Yeah, yeah and Jordan arrived at the same time.

So we got them to pose together - made for a lovely spread in OK! magazine.

That's it, yeah, we got in OK! magazine.

-It's here, yeah we got it here.

-Open it up and show them.

-Here we go.

-Yeah, I took that.

-He took that.

-I took that.

-I took that.

-He took that.

-I took that.

-I took that.

-Yeah everyone wins, really.

-We make a few quid, Jordan gets her face out there and we see the lighter side of Kim.

-Yeah.

Lunchtime is normally a busy time for the coffee kiosk, but today Precious is having to close early.

Well, today something very mysterious occurred.

We got coffee, we got cup, we got sugar, we got sweetener,

we got full fat milk, we got

low fat milk, we got soya milk for the lactose intolerant community, and we got gas for to give us a hot,

hot fire, but the Lord in his almighty wisdom

has decided that today will be the day when we got no water.

Looks like someone, and I don't know who, has taken a hacksaw and cut through the water pipe.

Who would do such a thing?

Well, anyway the plumber here now, but it going to take hours

to fix so me got no option but to go to London town with my sisters

and catch the matinee performance of Dirty Dancing.

-Praise the Lord for the two-for-one ticket offer!

-I've fixed it.

-What?

I've put a new length of pipe in so it should be working for you.

There you go.

May the Lord smite thee down.

It's 3pm and the Woods family are checking in for their annual summer holiday, but there's a hiccup.

I have actually got you booked in on this flight, but not until next Monday.

-Eh?

-You're on the same flight, but I'm afraid you've come a week early.

-John!

-Oh, sorry, love.

-Dad!

-What are we going to do?

Well, there's no point driving all the way home and coming back, is there? We might as well stay here.

Can we wait here?

Well, I'm sorry, sir, that's not so good for the other passengers.

Are we all right here?

No, sorry, sir.

-We're all right here though?

-No.

Here?

Well, passengers do sometimes get the dates of their flights wrong.

I mean, we had a gentleman recently who turned up a year late

for his flight to Manchester, but luckily

for him the plane was delayed so actually he managed to board on time.

Great British Air stewardess Penny is thrilled that Princess Anne

is planning to fly with the airline next week.

I'm not surprised that the Princess has chosen to fly with us.

It's well known that we do provide the finest First Class service.

For example, all us stewardesses are now trained in massage therapy.

So on long haul flights we can offer shiatsu, Swedish, deep tissue - all of which come with a happy ending.

Morning.

A member of the Royal household has been sent to inspect the cabin.

So the flight is next Tuesday.

Yes, it is Tuesday but I'd rather you didn't broadcast it.

And that should give you sufficient time to completely repaint and recarpet the cabin.

Yes, yes, of course.

May I say, how honoured I am that the Princess is flying with us.

I have personally admired her for many, many years.

One thing the Princess Royal despises is sycophancy.

We need to discuss Princess Anne, the Princess Royal's, dietary requirements.

-Do you provide a fruit salad?

-Yes, we do.

-Wonderful. Princess Anne, the

Princess Royal, adores fruit salad, but she can be a trifle choosy about what sort of fruit she has in it.

What does your salad contain?

-Grapes.

-The Princess Royal does not eat grapes.

-Strawberries?

-No.

-Kiwi?

-No.

-Orange?

-No.

-Guava?

-No.

-Lychee?

-No.

-Pomegranate?

-No.

-Passion fruit?

-No.

-Grapefruit?

-No.

-Pear?

-No.

-Gooseberries?

-No.

-Blackberries?

-No.

-Melon?

-No.

-Mango?

-No.

-Peach?

-No.

-Pineapple?

-No.

-Apple?

-Yes.

-Plum?

-No.

-So just apples?

-Yes.

So I should just give the Princess an apple?

Yes. Do you provide yoghurt?

Yes, we have the finest organic yoghurt flown in daily from Guernsey.

The Princess detests yoghurt.

Baggage handlers at the airport...

have their part to play in keeping air travel safe.

One of the things that I like to do is carry out

my own personal security checks.

It's not part of our official remit, is it, Dad?

No, boy, but I feel it gives the public peace of mind, you know.

-Right, what we got here? Yeah, that one looks good.

-This one?

Yeah, the Louis Vuitton. Right, OK.

Ah, it's got a lock on it.

Ah, that's no bother. There we go.

Right. Get that there.

Oh, hello. Yeah, you see, now, very common, it's a laptop.

This could have illegal images on it.

So we'll, er, take that home for further analysis.

Right, what else we got?

Hello. "Gucky." Now the thing about the shoes, you can have explosive devices in the heel.

So, er, we'll also take them home.

Plus they're my size.

Go and have a look in here. Ha-ha! Here we go. Very common problem, this. The i-Pod.

Yeah, now you're not allowed to have these on on take off or landing.

Yeah, but they won't be able to use it, it'll be in the hold.

Point of principle, son. Right what have we got in here?

What's that? "Chay-nell Pour Om." Nah, you're not allowed liquids on board.

So, er, yeah, we'll set that down there.

There's an aerosol in here.

-You're not allowed them. We should take that out.

-Eh?

We're not gonna get nothing for that down the market are we? Silly sod.

Right, that one's good to go.

Omar Baba is famous for his playboy lifestyle, and he now hopes to cash in on this notoriety.

with his own unique take on the Mile High Club.

This is my "Loveatory".

What you do is swipe credit card here. £10 per couple.

£7 if you are flying solo.

As you can see, it is very romantic.

We have cushioned area here for extra comfort on the lady bottom.

Commemorative tissue there, with my face on.

Also on the back of safety card you have a number of love-making positions.

And this one I do with some of my wives.

And you can have as long as you like to explore and satisfy each other's bodies.

As long as it's under two minutes.

After two minutes, you hear this noise.

'This is Omar. Stop doing a sex in my toilet. Thank you.'

Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.

FlyLo Flight 475 has just touched down and the customer

service desk is about to receive another onslaught from regular passengers, Peter and Judith.

Right, I'm going to give that woman a piece of my mind.

-Judith, please calm down.

-No Peter, I will not be becalmed.

We have had, and I never thought I'd utter these words, the holiday from hell.

By way of apology for the previous debacle,

FlyLo offered us a very good deal on a package holiday to Colombia.

Now as soon as we came out of Bogota airport...

As soon as we came out of Bogota airport, Peter was bitten by a rabid dog.

Within minutes, he was howling and foaming at the mouth.

My first thought was "Can I have Peter put down?" I looked into it...

But the doctors said it was unethical.

Yes, thank you, Peter. But the doctors said it was unethical.

Peter became more and more ill.

-I had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.

-Peter, don't be so crude!

-Sorry Judith.

-Peter had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.

If you'd spun him round, you'd have thought he was a catherine wheel.

-So we decided....

-So I decided that the best course of action was to take the first plane home.

Now while we were waiting at the airport, a very charming man called

-Carlos approached me and offered me 5,000 to take his briefcase through Customs.

-I had reservations...

Peter had reservations but we were saving up for a loft conversion, so

I said "Yes", and gave the briefcase to Peter to carry.

-When we landed in England...

-Peter, if I could just get a word in edgeways!

-Sorry, Judith.

I should hope so too, Peter.

When we landed in England, Peter was stopped at customs.

They searched the briefcase and found 20 kilograms of cocaine,

with a street value of half a million pounds.

Peter was arrested and is looking at a prison sentence of no less than 12 years.

If I had to rate the holiday out of five, I'd struggle to give it more than three.

Back in the First Class cabin, Penny is still busy making preparations for Princess Anne's flight.

Now each passenger has their own in-flight entertainment system

that allows them to browse genres and choose from all of the latest releases.

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, is extremely particular about which actors she's willing to watch.

A list of approved actors is as follows.

-Let me just get a pen.

-Quickly.

-Yes?

-Jason Statham.

-Yes.

-Jet Li.

-Yes.

-Dolph Lundgren.

-Yes.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes.

-Sylvester Stallone.

-Oh, well, there is a film with all those people in.

I believe it's called The Expendables.

Maybe I could order that in especially for the Princess.

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal has already seen The Expendables.

-Did she like it?

-No, she did not. She said it wasn't nearly violent enough and I quote, "It was for pussies".

WishWings. If you'll pardon the pun.

Moses has spent the afternoon collecting money for his charity, WishWings.

Oh, thank you very much, that's very generous. I'll make sure most of that goes to the charity.

And he's now on his way to meet a very important passenger...

Happy flighting.

..who's come all the way from Albert Square. Barbara Windsor MBE.

Get out of my pub, please! Ha-ha!

Miss Windsor, my name is Moses. I've been asked to take you through to the gate.

-Oh, do we have to go now?

-No, not for another hour.

Oh, right.

Can I ask you a question, Miss Windsor?

Yes, course you can, darling.

How on earth did you get an MBE?

I beg your pardon?

I've seen your bra flying off in those Carry On films, and I've watched you shouting at people

in EastEnders, and I thought it can't have been for that.

Well, I got it for services to entertainment and, actually, I do a lot for charity.

-I do a lot for charity.

-Oh, really?

Yes. I run a charity called WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun.

But I myself have never been given an honour.

-Oh, right.

-A lot of people say to me "Moses, you should really have an OBE

"or a knighthood", but I don't do it for that. I do it for the children.

Well, yes, that has to be the reason.

Yes.

But I still want one. Can you get me one? Because you've managed to wangle yourself one.

No, sorry, I can't do that.

Selfish.

Oh, erm, Miss Windsor, can I just have your autograph, please?

Yes, of course you can.

Excuse me, what's this?

-Oh, nothing. Nothing.

-No, no, no.

Just sign at the bottom there.

"Dear Queen, I'm writing on behalf of my dear friend Moses Beacon.

"His charity WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun..."

-But there's no pun there.

-Yes, there is.

"..has helped literally three children achieve the flight of their lives, if you'll pardon the pun."

There's no pun there either.

-Yes, there is.

-"You may like to know that the Honorary President of WishWings is Tania Bryer."

-Now who's Tania Bryer?

-That's low.

"You should definitely make him a knight or at least an OBE.

"Though not just an MBE that would be a bit of an insult.

"Yours sincerely, Barbara Windsor.

"You know, that little old common lady off the TV."

Do you need a pen?

Piss off.

Back in the First Class cabin,

Princess Anne's lady-in-waiting

has completed her inspection.

I very much look forward to meeting the Princess on Tuesday.

Don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't make a lunge at her.

I wasn't going to.

I know a lunger when I see one. In fact I shall make a personal request that you are not on the flight.

Good day.

Ho-huh!

What an awful snob that woman was.

After Jackie's outburst on the plane, she and Simon have some news.

-Yes, I decided that the best thing to do was for us to separate.

-Well, actually, I said it first.

Yeah, but I thought of it before you said it, so, technically Simon, it was my decision.

Yeah, I mean we're still working together obviously.

We're still living together, we've only got one bedroom so we're still sharing a bed.

The only difference really is that we're not physically intimate with each other.

Well, we haven't been for five years anyway.

No. So I've just started dogging.

-Really?

-Yes, it's very nice.

-Where do you do that?

-In the cul-de-sac.

-What, and other people are there having sex?

-Yes.

-We're all having a gay old time.

-Anyone I know?

I don't know, I've only seen them from waist down.

It's been a long week for the Woods family

who are still waiting for their flight.

It's been all right. We make do.

Yeah, I mean you talk to the other passengers and you make new friends.

Then they have to fly away of course.

Yeah, but then you see we're here to greet them when they come back, which is nice.

It was our anniversary last night, so we sat the kids in front of the

departure boards and we took the monorail down to Terminal 2 and we went to the Cafe Rouge.

Yeah, they gave us a lovely little table outside, near Tie Rack.

And on the weekend we took the kids out for a treat, down to Baggage Reclaim.

Yeah, we played a little game with them, didn't we?

"Can you guess what colour the next case is going to be?".

-Sometimes they're black, sometimes they're grey.

-Ooh, the red one.

Oh, yeah, we saw a red one the other day. That was very amusing.

We went to the Bureau de Change, and we changed our money into Turkish and then back again.

-That was a fun eight minutes.

-Hm.

-Smoothies.

-Oh, yes. We've discovered that they give out little samples of smoothies,

and if you collect enough of them during the day, by six o'clock you got your own full-size smoothie.

That's about it really.

Been a quiet sort of week.

-Oh, you won that Ferrari in the raffle.

-I did. That was nice.

-Yeah.

Night falls, and another day in the life of the airport draws to a close.

The Woods family ended up missing their flight and are still living in the terminal.

-Move your fat arse.

-I'm moving my fat arse.

Mickey and Buster added to their portfolio of world leaders

when they snapped Vladimir Putin playing frisbee with Abi Titmuss.

And Ian Foot remains vigilant.

Well, I've actually got the whole variety of disguises here.

Got Australian, Rastafarian, Russian, Lady Gaga

and Scotch.

Unfortunately these days there are more and more Scottish people trying to gain access to Britain.

Keep 'em out, I say. Keep 'em out!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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