Three @ The Fringe Comedy At The Fringe

This programme could contain strong Hello. Welcome to BBC Three's

first-ever live comedy show. We are coming to you from the Edinburgh

Fringe. Over the next 90 minutes we will be serving up the most

exciting comedy talent - thanks - who have wowed the audiences at

this year's festival. Because you are at home doesn't mean you can't

get involved. We are totally interactive. This is why I love

Edinburgh! You can send your tweets to us by using #BBC3EDFRINGE.

There's loads more to come. Or you can go online for a live chat - hi!

With some stars of tonight's show and loads of exclusive extras.

APPLAUSE You can send us a heckle! Heckle us! We are live, we are BBC

Three, we are Friday night, the venue is packed to the rafters with

an audience who have the best ticket in town right here. Say

hello Edinburgh! AUDIENCE: Hello Edinburgh! You are

live on BBC Three. This is going to be fun. Between now and midnight we

have an amazing line-up of very, very funny people including Russell

Kane, Roisin Conaty, Charlie Baker and Joe Wilkinson. Let's get going,

shall we? CHEERING Here is our first MC of the evening, he is a

total geezer who has kicked off a massive nationwide tour. He is

ready to go. He is well good. He is Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE Hello, hello,

hello. Spread the love! Good evening, Edinburgh Festival.

Welcome to Three at the Fringe. I is your host, Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE

Yeah, people, I am in the mood of my life! I'm in ScottyLand! I love

it here, man. It is a magical mystical place. The Scotties reckon

they have this 10,000-year-old dinosaur stake thing that lives

under a lake, the Loch Ness monster. But they have a serious drinking

problem so don't believe shit! I've had such a fun couple of days. I

had my little boy's birthday party! We are the children's entertainer.

The kids absolutely loved him. I dunno what he done, he wouldn't let

grown ups in the room. LAUGHTER man, I love my little boy so much.

I read to him every night. It's the only way I'm going to learn.

LAUGHTER As a little birthday treat, I says to him, I'll read you any

book you like, any book in the whole wide world and does you know

what he said to me? Harry Potter. Harry Potter. What book do you want

me to read in the whole world? Harry Potter. LAUGHTER It's a

bloody film! LAUGHTER What an idiot. Oh my gosh. You all right over

here? Yeah. Nice, baby. You got kids? No. Would you like some?

LAUGHTER That is how you bang girls in Scotty Land. Not wearing

ridiculous hats like that, my man. I bought him two dogs, yeah, Benson

and Hedges. Then pets - give us a cheer people with pets. CHEERING

reckon I can guess what pet people have just by looking at them and

that. I can. Let's have a look around here. Let's go for - we will

go for you. I think you would have a rabbit. Yeah? With batteries in

it! LAUGHTER You look absolutely filthy, sweetheart. Oh my gosh, you,

sweetie-pie, I haven't forgotten about you, you would have a Bird of

Paradise. Or a thrush! I is determined, yeah, to be a better

old man to my little boy, than my old man ever was to me. I still

remember my mum and dad arguing over me in court. My mum was like,

"They were arguing over me in court" but my mum was like, "You

can see him once every two week." My old man was, like, "Screw that,

I am not seeing him that often!" I'm well happy with the step-dad I

have got at the moment, he is a nice fella. He says to me, "I want

you to start treating me like I'm your real dad." I was like, yeah,

all right, then, where have you been for the last ten year? He

calls me son. I'm like particularly into that from my step-dad, he says,

"Lee, son, come and help your mother." I says, "I lovesout,

whatever, but you have to drop the son." He was all right about it. He

says "Sorry for offending here." LAUGHTER He is a Japanese legend,

man. All the boys rip out of me because he is Japanese, oh yeah,

your step-dad is Japanese, he must be into whaling. I don't know what

whaling is, man. I think it is like dogging but with fat birds.

LAUGHTER Oh, people, man, we has got a quality line-up for all of

yous tonight. Is you, you, you up for the first act of the evening?

AUDIENCE: Yes! The more love you give them the more love you get

back so go mental for Joe Wilkinson. APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I've only got three minutes, what am I doing? Hello. Nice to be here.

Look at these. These are new. How are you? You well? Right, I'm Joe.

I am going to tell you some things I have done recently and then I'm

going to leave. LAUGHTER Cool. First thing, I haven't got any

structure so there's going to be a bit, I will tell you a bit, it will

end, it will peter off. My bits don't have ends. So if you are

wondering where something is going, it's not. So first bit. You ready?

Wooh! First, weirdly, my girlfriend told me this thing that apparently

I swear in my sleep. Yeah. I don't swear that much in the day, but at

night I really let rip. She did an impression, she went, "You do this,

"Piss, shit, oh lock." Morning, I was worried about it. I thought I

will ask my mum. Talk to her about it. I said I'm a bit worried, mum.

Apparently, I swear in my sleep. "Lucky you don't sleep with kids."

Yeah. Don't want to pick up any bad habits. Like, I've got Wi-Fi in my

flat. I got quite a small flat so it goes everywhere. LAUGHTER And I

did - I thought I was being modern and I did a bit of online shopping

on the toilet, right? Oh yes. So I told my mum. "I did a bit of online

shopping on the toilet." She went, "Oh did you? Have you got a

laptop?" "Yes!" I didn't take a whole home computer into the toilet

with a hard drive and monitor on my lap! I want to buy something, but I

can't feel me legs. Oh dear. I tell you one last thing. I have heard

these two boys talking, these schoolboys, near where I live. One

of them was taking the piss out of his mate because his mate had done

that thing in school, that awful thing, where in the day had called

the teacher "dad" accidentally. I was like, "You poor bastard." That

is one of the worst things you could do. I remember doing it. I

felt sorry for him. I was this school, history lesson, I stuck my

hand up. I meant to say Mr Carr and I said "dad". Everyone started

laughing. What I remember most - just after I called the teacher dad

the kid next to me lent in and went, "You want to bum him." LAUGHTER I

don't know what goes on in your house my friend. Here is the number

for ChildLine. APPLAUSE Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Oh yes. Funny.

You knows, people, sometimes like people get the wrong idea about me.

I'm like a nice man, you know, I'm a family man. I'm still proper,

genuine absolutely gutted that me and my brother fell out and, yeah,

we don't see each other no more and that and we used to get on. But

then he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people and mixing

with the wrong crowd and his life just went down the wrong path,

innit. We tried to stop him but it was too late and it's really sad

what happened to him. Because my brother ended up going to

university. LAUGHTER Is you up for your next act of the night?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Time for the World Champion at Swingball. I see you

later. I see you later, guys. No problem. I catch up with you later.

Real good. I see you soon. There's nobody there. Say it with me

everybody swing-a-ball, the sport of champions. Invented by my father

when he hung himself. Swingball is a sport as timeless as shit. I'm

international swingball star. You guys want to learn how to play the

marvellous sport? Simple. You follow my three rules. Of which

there are four stkphr. One, the racquet. The tool of the trade. You

need to take him wherever you go. You need to eat with him, sleep

with him, drink with him and sleep with him. This one, he never leave

my side. You take. Take as hard as you can. You see, you can't! It's

because I had it grafted to the palm of my hand. That way I'm

always ready to return serve. But I know what you are thinking, sat

there with your sly and sexy smile, you are thinking Pedro, are you not

a right handed guy? LAUGHTER You would be right. This is a mistake.

A horrible mistake. I did the stitching myself whilst sat at home

looking in the mirror and who knows, but great talking to you. See you

in ten lines time. Next we need the uniform of the champion, the shirt,

the shorts and the trainer shoes. For this I recommend the lifting of

the shop. Finally, you need a sweaty band, this one is woven

together from many of the hamstrings I have torn throughout

my career, both my own and the money I have taken from the

children who I teach. Now we are ready to play. Give him a round of

applause, get on up here! APPLAUSE Let's play some swingball, my

Give yourself a twirl. You're popular in the room. Don't worry, I

will take care of that. Say it with me, swing a ball. Swing ball.

say it from the ball, let it travel up and out your mouth like two

furry testicles. Swing ball. Swing ball. Do it with the movement.

Swing. Wait for the other one to catch up and then a ball. Go.

Wait for the other one to catch up. And go. And a ball. Not bad. That

is cool. Now we're going to show you thousand play swing ball. First

you have to warm up. In the backstage area, I placed a bottle

of the finest wine, as a gift from me to you for helping me with this

demonstration. Round of applause for me. Your job is to run

backstage and grab that wine and come back here as quick as you can,

before we all count to 20. Wait for me to send you off. You think you

can do this? I will try. No. Yeah. Swing ball, do it. You have to say

it too. Swing a ball. Swing a ball. Good. So here we go. Everybody

count with me, one, two, three four, five, six, seven... Eight there no

wine. That was just to get him out of the way, so I could hit on his

Sweetheart here. Give me that music. Swing a ball. Look at you. You got

a twirl. You got a swing a boob for me. Swing a boob, swing a ball. I

love this. Keep doing it. Have you ever been... Oh senor. Your acting

is overshadowing mine. Sit down you crazy people. She just winked at me.

You think you're done for the night. No my friend, we're going to play

the game. We're going play extreme swing ball. Doubles edition. You

take the racquet and you take a pole. Now, how we play extreme

swing ball is... We swing the ball around our head and, let me exflain

rule. We come at each other like gladiators in Rome. We get to

within striking distance, you plunge the ball deep into the

forehead of your competitor and hammer it in with the racquet like

that. And we play best of three. I'm just kidding. Senor, jump up on

the stage. You hold the ball for me. We're going to swing the ball

around here, two hands. No, I swing the ball. It is like Roger Moore in

Moon Raker. If you get behind me. Hold the ball, the same as him and

let the ball do the work. That is good. We play back-to-back, OK and

how we do it. It we hit the ball and then we switch and then we hit

the ball and then we switch. The winner is the one who arrives in

accident and emergency second! But that is not all. Because the icing

on the extreme swing ball cake is we play it in total darkness. So

let's go. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball.

Hit the ball... Senor I have embarrassed you in front of your

friend. But the thing is these guys are still swinging the balls.

Please take a seat. Thank you. senor Pedro. Legend. Yeah, you know

I do try and be good, but sometimes I am like a little bit naughty. I

popped in a disabled baby the other night. It was the wrong thing to do,

but it was 10.30 at night. I thought they went to bed early. --

I parked in a disabled bay. The warden said I'm going to give you a

ticket. You haven't got a disability. I said yes, I have got

Tourettes - you locking banker! Yes! Oh yeah. I got toed away. --

towed away. Is you up for your next act? No excuses, pop your nut and

get laughing for Tom Rosenthal. Hello, cheers mate. Hello everyone.

Are you well? Thank you so much. It is kind of you. This is my trophy.

I won this for being the funniest student. I brought this along for

confidence really. I'm going to leave it there. And what you guys

can do, is not enjoying what is going on, just look at the trophy

and realise that you're probably wrong. Good that is the system. It

is lovely being in Scotland. Economy opinions on Andy Murray? --

any opinions on Andy Murray. Quite keen. Well he doesn't impress me.

There is something unlookable about you. He is the only man whose

success is both mundane and arrogant. When he wins, he throws

his sweat bands into the crowd. No, no one wants your sweaty wrist wear,

you prick. He wins a point and goes like this and goes Andy Murray.

That is like me doing a good joke and going yes, I'm so locking funny.

When his opponents make an error, he still goes yes! Who brought him

up? The Rock? If another comedian's set is going badly and going, yes

I'm better than you by default. When he signs autographs, Rafael

Nadal is like pleasure to meet you. Andy Murray walks past people with

a pen. Just drawing on their faces. I'm Andy Murray, I have got places

to be, people to bore. You might think he is a nice guy. About this

time last year, his girlfriend left him. I thought did he claet on her?

No the reason she left is because she played Playstation 3 for seven

hours a day. Playing virtual tennis as a virtual version... Of himself.

You can imagine in the Andy Murray wing of Andy Murray mansion, Andy

Murray versus Andy Murray on the PS three, massive wide-screen,

surrounded by mirrors, the Andy Murray song, singing Andy Murray,

the girlfriend says, what, mouthful of Murray mints. Can we have six r

sex now? No, Andy Murray's playing. And put your Andy Murray mask back

on. That is all I have got time for. Thank you. The legend, yes, Tom

Rosenthal. That people is all we have got time for. Oh no! Yeah I

got a go and I got a very long night ahead of me.... With her.

Listen I have been Lee Nelson, catch my second series next week on

BBC Three. Laters Edinburgh! Fantastic, thank you Lee Nelson.

BBC Three is coming to you live and fully interactive from the

Edinburgh Festival. I lope you enjoyed Adam rifpls. We have an

extended set from him later. They are all on the web-site. -- Adams

Riches. Look who is joining me now. It is only bloody Charlie Baker.

How is your Edinburgh? I like it. You never know if they're doing a

show or if they're just drunk. have already been heckled. Just as

I opened the show. They're like your jacket is too small. But you

look nice. You're here and you have a hash tag set up for us. Hash tag

celeb spot. What we want is a famous face in a mundane place.

Like I saw John Nettles in a pound shop buying batteries. I saw him.

Have you seen anyone famous doing anything bore something It is not

that boring, David hossle Hoffe came to my -- Hasselhoff came to my

mum's house and he piste in my mum's -- piste in my mum's garden.

If you have met a celebrity in a dull situation, hash tag celeb spot.

It could turned into instant comedy. Well I will read them out. If you

have met a famous face in a mundane place let us know. The festival is

awash with celebrities. They get every where in Edinburgh, including

the toilets. I'm not the type who hang around in the men's to its,

but I know a bloke who does. Earlier Mr Joey Essex, he bumped

into our glamorous toilet attendant, Mr Tony Izzet. Are you if fellow

off that show? Yeah the only way is Essex. I'm not sure whether it is a

drama or a dookmentry. - documentary. It is like what you

call it a reality TV show. But it is confusing, you're not sure what

is real and what isn't. Most of it is real. But it is like, sometimes

the scenes are set up to do it. It is weird. Your definitely like, you

are no one's playing you now. I'm myself. And the kark Der you

play is... Joe Izzet. I can't understand, are we in the drama

now? Hmm, the drama is act innit? We're not acting? No I don't think

we're. Don't think so. That is Tony Izzet. We have leds of his toileted

a -- loads o' of his toilet adventures on the web-site. Now

over to the Baby Bubble for live musical comedy. His show has been

doing well and you are about to find out why. Performing a song 15

can have reasons, put some money in the swear box and give it foup up -

# I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got five good reasons

to make you stay I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got

five good reasons to make you stay # No 1 I got a real nice house # I

share it with my parents, but they're quiet as a mouse and I real

tiez plural for mouse is mice, so if you're pick chug a mouse, you

had better picture it twice. Two, I'm reliable I will never leave

your side, I will always remember important dates and # I'm hardly

ever late # Three, I'm handy with a tool # I'm good at clearing, I

ain't no fool I will do the shopping # I will even clop the

wood if the wood needs chopping. No 4 I don't like football I don't get

it at all. # All the teams and the players look just the same # If I

had to sum it up I'd say it's just a game # I'm good at cooking # I

got five more reasons to make you stay # I got five more reasons to

make you stay # I got five more reasons to make you stay I got five

# Six # I like walking on the beach

# Sunsets and fireworks # The stuff you can't teach

# Dogs and monkeys # Hamsters and parrots

# I'll serve it up with carrots # Seven, heaven, heaven

# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven

# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Me and you in Devon

# Eight, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon

# Devon, Devon, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon

# Me and you in Devon # Number nine

# I'm really sensitive # I realise I might be a bit too

sensitive # But if I can try and be a bit

less sensitive # I'll be just there

# Ten # I'm good at fucking

# I got five less reasons to make you stay

# I got five less reasons to make you stay

# I've got five less reasonsss # To make you stay

# 11, OK I'm not so good at fucking # But I'm willing to improve

# That is surely worth something # I'll buy a book about it

# I'll practice on my breathing # I'll do anything you want me to

# If I don't stop you leaving # 12, I'll buy you so much stuff

until it's enough # I know you are not a very

materialistic girl # But the stuff that I buy you

# Will be the best stuff in the world

# Number 14, what happened to 13? # 13 is unlucky so I skipped that

# And I changed the rhyme structure in the end

# But you got to understand that it's a real long song

# 15, I bought a gun # I got 15 reasons to make you stay

# I got 15 reasons to make you stay. Thank you very much. That was Nick

Helm live on BBC Three. Time to go back to the Bubble and have some

more live comedy. Our next MC was the winner of last year's Edinburgh

Comedy Award. It's the one and only Hello. How you doing? We are live

on BBC Three. I can say spunk and they can't stop me! Spunk, spunk!

Nothing they can do. We have three amazing acts in this section. Are

you excited? Some of you are struggling to recognise me. I'm not

Nick Grimshaw! This is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown which is

why I look the aborted trip let of Jedward. Get rid of it mother, it

is not one of ours! LAUGHTER This is my weird career. The last time I

was live on the BBC Television, I was dressed as Beyonce dancing and

at the time I was single, very confusing for a man to be split up

and dressed as a woman. I will become my own woman. Imagine what

my ex must have thought? He's coping really badly! I thought

afterwards it is not going to interfere, but a lot of straight

women - I am straight by the way! This is straight sexuality in

London. I can't explain it I like Lisa Minelli and vag! I got some

weird e-mails from girls. I don't understand what I felt when I saw

you dressed as a woman. I don't want to analyse it. Please meet me

for a sloppy Gieuseppi. I was only dating girls with low self-esteem.

I have no confidence since my boyfriend left me. Get in the van,

you'll do. The hunt was on for a girl. I do like talking about my

job, but not too much. So you don't want to go out for a pizza and

speak about yourself. I went out for this one girl, she was perfect,

not overly confident. More like Natalie Portman when she was having

a bad moment in Black Swan. Get in the van! We got on. We spoke about

comedy a bit. She wasn't too impressed. I started to feel not

only in the pants but in the heart as well, I get the ET lump. It was

time to invite her back to mine. I'm always staying at hotels. It is

a creepy place to invite a girl back to. Come back to the hotel and

clean up with the tiny soaps. Want a small whisky?! It didn't matter

because it was comfortable and fun and we had so much in common and I

knew we were going to do it for the first time. Because it took me so

long to lose my virginity I have not lost the excitement of doing it

for the first time. I can't believe I'm going to do it. I still have to

go for a victory dance in the bathroom. Going to stick my willy -

don't come in - willy going in! LAUGHTER And so we are kissing,

this girl is bang up my street. She got the Japanese cartoon haircut,

stick-thin, rocking back-and-forth, I don't know what I like, I have no

confidence. I'm exaggerating! LAUGHTER We are in the hotel room,

we are snogging. Mwah, the type where we are going to do it. We are

both in our underwear. I can't remember what underwear she had on.

I was in my H&M multi-pack like these ones! The ones that look

humiliating for a man - there is nothing good about being a man and

being naked. It is nice of you girls to pretend! Now we can

consume male flesh! You don't mean a fully naked man. You mean - there

is something - I know girls are thinking nonsense, it is worse to

have the body of a woman. How dare you generalise. Think of the

changes our bodies go through, through pregnancy, it is so hard to

have the body of a woman. Girls, in this highly educated festival

audience, how many of you have ever stopped to think what it is like to

have a humiliating rod of flesh jut out from your body the moment you

find anyone vaguely attractive? Do you like me or not? That will be

telling! Oh my God, why am I being so random?! LAUGHTER That was the -

so true and personal, I'm getting the weird lips. So it is snogging.

You know when it is going to happen. We are connected on every level.

Mwah, all of a sudden the stop, that feeling where the hand goes on

the chest. Please wait, no. What? What is it? Have you got a

boyfriend? Has the spell worn off? It is like a spell wearing off in

Harry Potter! It can happen when you stop being funny. I wish I was

a good enough writer, people of Britain, live on BBC Three, to

invent what came out of this girl's mouth. Such is the weird world that

I have gone into, these are the genuine words that came out of the

girl's mouth - what is it? She said, "Please do the Beyonce dance." I

swear to God. I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it,

ladies and gentlemen. I plugged my travel iPod speaker in - the creepy

one you buy on an aeroplane. I can't, I have injured my shoulder.

Shut up! I plugged it in. Have you any idea what that dance looks

like... Da-da-oh-oh-na-na! It finishes with a dramatic - like

that. I thought when I turned round she would be, the pre-sexual lafter

that can exist between lovers -- laughter that can exist between

lovers. She was so aroused by my primal dance she launched from the

bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge. Drrrrr...

LAUGHTER So there is no punchlines, I'm post-modern, relax. Ladies and

gentlemen, I was spolzed to come on and warm you up -- supposed to come

on and warm you up but you were so lovely I indulged myself. Give

yourself a round of applause. APPLAUSE Give all the acts lots of

love when they come in. I will come in in between. It is like - spunk,

there is nothing you can do about it - I'm over running - spunk! It

is so liberating. It is time for the first act. Please go wild,

start with a smattering of applause, almost like we are not bothered,

building up to a working-class chunky clap, cheering like

Americans, welcome to the stage, Roisin Conaty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Edinburgh. You well?

AUDIENCE: Yes. I wish Russell told me he didn't want to do the dance,

I would have let it go. Good. Lovely to be here. I will tell you

about myself. Three minutes. I'm 32, single, I have moved out of home!

CHEERING Thank you. When did they start charging for water? Pricks!

No idea that happened. You pay for this? What happens next? Air? I was

living with my grandmother before I moved out. She went to get her

passport photos done and she phoned me up and she was like, "I don't

look right in these photos." I was like nan, you are 85, 75 is a

distant lifetime away. She is all suited and booted to go to the

passport agency. Show me the photos. She showed me. You know when you go

into the machine you can choose the background? My nan was stood in the

middle of the Manchester United football team just sitting next to

Paul Scholes. That is the reason you look weird! You are old, like a

lot of people wouldn't notice 11 grown men stood next to them. Then

she phoned me up, "I will have to tell you something, I was at the

bingo and I spoke to my friend, she ended up in Postman Pat's van." I'm

single. Give me a cheer if you are single CHEERING Give me a cheer if

you are in a relationship. CHEERING Some of you didn't answer. I went

on a date for the first time in a while. A lovely man. He invited me

around to his house. It is quite, you know when someone tries to

seduce you too openly, it can make you feel uncomfortable. There were

candles everywhere. There's a fine line between romantic and

sacrificial. I didn't know if he was going to ask me to go to bed

with him or kill a goat. The last time anything like this happened to

me was when I was with my ex. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been

my time. It's been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your time. Good night.

APPLAUSE Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen. How about that. APPLAUSE

I like it when I have a bit of admin to do. We are running over so

we are going to turn it over in between acts. Go wild, welcome to

the stage, the one, the only John Luke Robert! APPLAUSE You can call

me by my rap name - what I like to do is to insult you all to your

faces individually. It is to lower the self-confidence of the room,

make you more nervous, a bit more giggly. I don't want to hurt anyone,

though. I will do it off these cards. It is nothing to do with you.

It is what happens to be at the card. Some of them do happen to be

spookily accurate. So - if you do end up crying, can you do that

crying that can be mistaken for laughter. Shout your name at me, I

will insult you. Harry! I have been to the top of Ben Nevis and by

comparison YOU are a terrible view. LAUGHTER That is the sort of

warning shot. I don't pull punches. How do you feel? OK? Great. Kate.

People say a lot of nice things about you, Kate. They also do this

a lot. LAUGHTER Mark. They broke the mould when they made you. No,

just before they made you! I'm implying that Mark is defective.

LAUGHTER Caroline. It's like your face is in 3D, but I haven't got

the glasses on. LAUGHTER Linda. If opposites attract, you must be

going out with someone kind, attractive and continent! Sarah.

The one thing Israel and Palestine can agree on is that you are a

dooshbag! Keith. If you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form of

livestock, even Morrissey would Susan, your filing system is

inadequate. Dawn if you went through a high profile divorce with

Katie Price, the public sympathy would be with her. Alex, no one has

ever had a sex dream about you, without waking up and feeling

distinctly uneasy. Stuart, nobody can play the song what a wonderful

world near you, without seeming insincere. Back to the second row.

Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you, has done so sarcastically.

Danny in a dystopian vision of the future, you would remain the same.

Mike, last one, think you can take it? If Peter Parker was bitten by a

radioactive you, he wouldn't be Spiderman, he would be Dickheadman.

Thank you very much. Brilliant. John Luke Roberts. It is almost

time for our final act. I'm so excited. He is a talented guy. Did

his first Edinburgh last year. Strap n are you ready? Of course

you are. Start with a smatering of applause, like the vicar has

provided a nice flan, building up to I just pierced my baby's ear.

Welcome to the stage The Boy With # There's only you in my life # The

only thing that's right # # Mi first love, you're every breath

that I take #Y step I make And I # I want to share all my love with

you # No one else will do # your eyes Your eyes, your eyes #

They tell me how much you care # Oh yeah # You will always be... # My

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds

# Hey baby come ore here # I'm not denying # We're flying above it all

# Hold my hand, don't let me go # You have such Amazing Grace # I've

never felt this way # Oh # Show me The Boy With Tape On His Face! We

have reached the end of our section. Thank you, I have been Russell Kane,

you have been a fantastic audience. Thank you and good night. Russell

Kane there and I love the The Boy With Tape On His Face. If you have

just got home from the pub, hello, where have you been? Tonight we're

live and we're interactive from the Edinburgh Fringe. In a place call

The BBC Bubble. We're on TV, online and we're live. If you liked John

Luke Roberts insulting the audience, you can generate one of your own

insults by our exclusive insult generator. If you log on and you

can receive an insult from the man himself. Or if you prefer, you can

send an insult to a friend of family member or a loved one. But

not your Nan. And we have created a an online experience with the The

Boy With Tape On His Face. Go to the web-site and you can spend

hours getting up to no good. We still need your tweets for Charlie

Baker now. He needs your tales of spotting famous faces in mundane

places. If you have bumped into Wayne Rooney in the post office

Charlie Baker might be using your story on the BBC Three stage

tonight. Just spotted by me, Neil and Christine Hamilton trying to

get into the BBC Bubble and failing. Amazing! Have you come across the

toilet attendant yet? Look who it is. It is Lee Nelson! Yeah! Hello

Scottie. A fist bump. There we go. That was a nice start to the show.

I thought you were going to kiss me. No man, we're just mates. I have

told you about 15 times. How was it for you? It's a buzz telly. You do

radio, I know you do some things, but radio is your thing. You like

it? Yeah. He has made a proper effort. Look at his little thing.

He has gone for the tailored look and blown �25 on that. I don't even

know what is wrong with my jacket know what is wrong with my jacket

tonight. I think it looks fine. stitches is on the outside and

they're meant to be on inside. Come here girlys. Do you find it...

down on my lap and then we'll talk about the first thing that comes up.

Do you find it easier to get girls now you're on the telly. Yes they

love a bit of famous. With that and my looks, I have got a TV face, you

have got a radio face. But that is what they love. Women you, where

you staying? At my home with my husband. It is a pity he won't be

enjoying himself. Just filming the whole thing. You have got a new

show starting? Yes I have got BBC Three 10.30, 25 of August. Brand-

new series. And it is going to be a proper buzz. It is got me and

Omelette. And we have got my Nan there and we have got jokes and

girls. We have got everything. It will be a proper buzz. I can't wait.

Have you been here for the whole festival? No I have been back in

London. But it is fun. Scotyland is amazing. Are you a Scottie girl.

All I knew was that SuBo girl. So she is well nice. I hope I am an

improvement. You is proper. don't you two do off and chat

properly. Thank you. Nice one Lee. Loving you back. Our toilet

attendant is next. Someone else has been man handled there and let's go

You look like that David hassle Hoffe. Only younger. Thank you. I

am actually... I Aamer Anwar David Hasselhoff. I grew up watching the

Knight Rider and you were my dad's age. Now you look like Benjamin

Button. How do you keep in shape. work out. I'm rubbish at that.

You're giving away candy. Don't eat sugar. I like it. You drink pints?

Yes. Stay away with that stuff. When cu look at yourself, do you

see an actor, o'er a singer or a lifeguard? I see myself as a dad.

Oh! What are you doing in here. have to go to the rest room.

these your daughters. Who is the better singer out of the three of

you. I is dad. We're all different. He is musical theatre and poppy.

We're all different. You're like a female Jedward. Now, as you know,

we have been broadcasting footage from here in Edinburgh at the

fringe all week on the red button. Let's have a look at one of the

highlights. A load 06 you - of you love watching him. I is the

fantastic Andrew Lawrence. Thank you. Why not if we're going to have

a ginger man on the stage, have an orange backdrop. Then no one will

notice hi hair. Who is from Edinburgh. Give me a chair. Just

the ladies at the back. I like the Edinburgh people. I think you're

hard working people. If you go north there is Dundee, Aberdeen,

Inverness, those places only exist as a constant reminder to people of

Edinburgh, if you don't keep working hard and making money, that

is where you could ends up. It is nice to, I have having a nice time.

I took a day off and drove up the coast. I stopped off at the

services on the way to use the men's toilets was out of order. The

ladies were out and I had to use the disabled. I went in, did what I

needed to do, came out and the man at the station was there, he said,

those toilets are for disabled customers only. I said I am disable.

He said what is your disability. I said I have poor hand/high co-

ordination. It is not a disability. Tell me after you have seen how

much piddle I have left on the floor. I am treating it as a hol

day, although I don't like British holidays, when I was 13 I went to

Weymouth and walked along the beach and stepped on syringe. Now say

what you like about heroin, when your a teenager on holiday with

your parents, its make things better actually. I don't remember

much about that holiday. There was a man walking up and down the beach

selling ice-creams. He has no top on and an abnormal number of

nipples. I don't want to buy products from a man with five

nipples. I like festivals. I'm a bit old for them. Especial think

music festivals. I -- especially the music festivals. I can't go it

is an abomb daigs. What is not to like? I think cack-smeared toilets,

punching all who venture, brain- crippling stench of hell, a fear

some fat drunk will collapse on top of your tents and crash you into a

sack of shattered bones and you have to crawl through mud to the

ambulance, who are too busy pumping the stomachs of teenagers to attend

to my internal bleeding and Sunday you collapse in the back of

someone's 15-year-old car, consider yourself lucky to be alive as you

spend what seemed like a ten hour motorway journey trying to claw a

pinch wrist band off your arm. Apart from that they a barrel of

laughs. Sign me up immediately! has been a privilege tonight. Thank

If you are a fan of Andrew - you a fan? Yes! We also have filmed more

of him this week as part of our of him this week as part of our

coverage on BBC Three. Details are on your screen right now -

bbc.co.uk/three. Shall we have some more music? Live on BBC Three from

the Baby Bubble, it is Australia's undisputed Kings of Comedy Rock.

Here to perform their four-lettered tribute to boy racers, give it up

for The Axis of Awesome. Thank you. I'm Jordan. Stkpwhri I'm Lee. ALL:

We are -- I'm Lee. ALL: We are The Axis of Awesome. There have been

landmark songs throughout history. Hannah Montana's Pass The Fucking

Crackpot. If you are not crying now, you will be by the end of this.

# It's Friday night # Gonna feel all right

# It's party night # All right, all right

# All right # Yeah

# Gonna see the sights # Gonna drive through town tonight

# Gonna crank the volume when I get # Gonna crank the volume when I get

to the lights # Can you hear the fucking music

coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music

coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music

coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music

coming out of my car # The car is stopped and the bass

is thumping # Everybody on the street get this

party jumping # Around midnight I'll turn into a

pumpkin # Do you like the fucking music

coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music

coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music

coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music

# You can hear my fucking music # You can hear it on the streets

# You can hear it while you sleep # You can hear it from my car!

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

# There's a lot of fucking music # There's a lot of fucking music

coming out of my car. # I love those guys. They were

brilliant on the Fun and Filth Cabinet. That was The Axis of

Awesome. Time to join our final Master of Ceremonies. If you have

been sendinginging us your celebspot stories, watch care

tkphri right now. Your story may be on the stage -- watch carefully

right now. Your story may be on the stage in the next few minutes. Time

We all right? Yes, thank you. Thank you. Calm down, I might be rubbish.

We all right? Having a lovely time? AUDIENCE: Yes. We are live on BBC

Three. Shout something. Woo-hooh! You pleased with your choice? Good.

Enough. You are live on BBC Three. Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. Enough

now. It is not an auction. I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack

Black to die. LAUGHTER He looks like him! It's funny looking like

someone famous. When ever I meet someone famous I get nervous. Who

have you met? No-one. No-one to me live on BBC Three. Thank you very

much(!) I will let you know, before you said no-one, I asked this last

night and someone said, "Jet from Gladiators." Have you met anyone

famous? The Wenger Boys. I like it when you meet rappers. I met Kanye

West. I always think he sounds like a service station. Where did you

get that pasty? Kanye West. 1.49 for diesel. The world's biggest

rapper, Jay-Z. Wooh! And I got quite nervous meeting Jay-Z. When

ever I meet someone super-famous I get a voice that goes, "There's

Jay-Z there. Jay-Z, speak to Jay-Z. Say something to Jay-Z. Speak to

him. Say something to Jay-Z. Get him out of his friendship ring." I

have to say something to Jay-Z. So I will say this, "Jay-Z..." I went

for a high-five, ladies and gentlemen, a high-five. And I stood

there thinking, you look a right knob now, you look a penis. He did,

ladies and gentlemen, bang on the high-five from Jay-Z. Yes,

everybody! Come here. Come here. Woah! That was a confident high-

five. You feeling good now about yourself? In six degrees of

separation way, you have touched a hand that's touched a hand that has

touched Beyonce's knockers! Pretty good - a round of applause.

APPLAUSE Have another go. Fuck off, she is not a slag. LAUGHTER You

liked it, you should have put a ring on it! There we are, ladies

and gentlemen, we are going to bring our next act out. They have

had a brilliant festival. They are excellent. Please welcome to stage,

the magnificent Frisky and Mannish. APPLAUSE Hi, there. Now, as pop

academics, we could not let this event past without making reference

to the tragic end of one of the greatest acts in pop history.

course, this is the 79 month anniversary of the disbanding of

Busted. # One day

# When I came home # At lunch time

# I heard # Went out to the backyard

# Stood there # He told me he made a Time Machine

like one in a film I had seen # Yeah

# I said I've been to the year 3,000

# Not much has changed... # But the rains came and swept the

land and the animals rose up # Made slaves of the men and

everything was death # And great, great, great-

granddaughter... # Didn't make it. #

Thank you. We don't have much time so we are going to finish by

looking at the work of an artist who we both feel will come to be

seen as one of the most important female singer-songwriters in the

history of music. # Out on the windy moors

# You had a temper # Like my jealousy

# How could you leave me # When I needed to

# Possess you # I hated you

# I loved you too # Bad dreams in the night

# Told me I was going to lose the fight

# Leave her # Wutherg

# Heathcliff # Kathy, I've come home

# Let me in at your window # Oh, Heathcliff

# It's me # Oh Kathy

# I've come home # Let me in at your window

# Oh, oh # My fingertips are holding on to

# The cracks in the window pane # And I know that I should let go

but I can't # And every time we find

# I know it's not right # Every time you are upset

# I know I should forget but I can't

# Ooh # Let me have it

# Let me grab your soul away # You

# Let me have it # Let me grab your soul away

# You know # It's me

# Kathy. # I just want your kiss boy.

# Kiss boy # I just want your kiss

# I just want your kiss boy # Heathcliff

# He's running up that hill # I just want your kiss boy

# The hounds of love are hunted # I want your soul boy

# I just want your soul # Oooh, ooh

# Woah, aah # Catherine is a victim

# Catherine sits in her room playing killer, killer beats. #

That was Frisky and Mannish. Hooray for them. Still clapping. They are

still clapping. I'm out here in the guts of the Edinburgh Fringe

festival tent. She is not clapping there. Just clap. Very good. Man in

hat indoors, can we see him? Well done, Sir. Having a pint, look at

this man in his leather jacket. Well done, Sir. Very good. I'm -

hello. I'm good, thank you. What is your name? Anni. Have you ever met

anyone famous? I met Steps on Live and Kicking. It doesn't get any

better(!) that is marvellous. What is the best show you have seen this

summer? Wedding Band by Charlie Baker at 2.45. Very good. How

marvellous. Sounds excellent. What is the best show you have seen this

summer? I haven't seen any yet so this one. Yes, what a glowing

review that is(!) LAUGHTER Excellent. We are going to bring

out our next act. APPLAUSE Please welcome all the way from Australia,

Do you like bread? Yeah. Do you like fully get into it? Not fully.

I know you are talking about bread. You know bread? I don't know bread.

I like toast. I like toast. I fully get into bread. I like bread when

I... What? What the fuck are you talking about? I know you are

talking about bread! What is going on with this disco music, man?

it is for the bread. What do you mean it's for bread? Like, when you

putting on bread shoes. You should have said that! Bread shoes. Oh

yeah, this one is going out to all the ladies out there who like to

Bring it on back. Come on, throw it at me! Come on bring it all back.

There's a famine! You're looking at me like, fuck, it's the guy from

Guess Who! If you want to hire me out, I don't just do bread, I also

do soup. I once wiped my arse with a slice of bread. I ran out and had

to use the crust, so my finger wouldn't tear through. Don't use

APPLAUSE. Sam Symonds everyone. There is loads of bread on the

floor. There is people stafbing. This is like North London last week.

-- people starving. She is going, she is in the production of Bugsy

Malone. She tap dancers as well. See that, Koch watcher, got him, 1-

0, cock watching bastard. Can't take his eyes off it. We have been

asking people to tweet in. Some people are faxed in. Someone did a

pager. And people have been tweeting in with famous people they

have seen in mundane places doing Munn Tain things. My favourite is

steps on Live and Kicking. Well done. -- mundane. Is the bread

gone? It didn't deserve that much of a round of applause A few years

ago, from stof e Sophie, I saw Peter String fellow buying a

casserole dish at a market. Isn't that lovely. That is a lovely one.

Some people going what. He doesn't care. He is working on the sound.

Seen that mate? No. We will try another one. He is not look. I met

big Mo from East Ender in a yellow bikini. That put a few people off.

He is laughing at that. The other week I saw Jason Orange just

walking past my bus. Everyone hated that one. There we're. We're going

to bring on our headline act, are we excited about David O'Doherty?

Yes so here he comes, the Oh someone's got the party machine!

Do you have the time, Sir, do you have the time? It's party time.

Stop looking at your watch. I will accept David O'Doherty time. It is

going to be like a party in my house. In many ways it won't be

like a party in my house, as I will be doing most of the partying, you

will just be sitting receiving the party that. Sounds sleazy when you

put it like that, considering you paid to receive the party. There's

a party starting right now # Party starting right now # Time to get

excited # The neighbour on this side have gone away and the

neighbours are old and pretty much deaf # Party, party, party! People

standing in the kitchen, they're talking about the King's Speech #

Pretty good film is the general consensus # There's going to be

lots of ladies and men # There is some cheese in the kitchen # There

will be streamers flying through the air # Someone will go home

wearing someone else's coat. It is going to be fuck mayhem. # Invite

your friends, but not friends of friend, # That would be too many

and my party needs some ground rules # You don't want a situation

like at Rob's party last year # Where a CD went missing # Someone

broke a Claire and someone tried to fill his dog with helium # Tried to

stim hill on the ceiling # But he didn't float up, # Just became

violently ill # Party party party # Somebody's drinking through a straw

from a coconut # We're going to party on through to the break of

Dan # Or until I come down in my dressing gown and say that's it

everyone fuck off # Party over # I'm going to bed # Can you please

take your coats off my bed? # Party, party, ore was someone doing it in

the coats. It is that sort of party. Thank you. Wow. I am, thank you, I

am David O'Doherty, I Tam creator of Wangury. It is like November,

but instead of growing a moustache, you go the full way and leave your

cock and bulls out for all of January. -- balls out for all of

January. It is a pleasure to close this show. I would like to finish

with a love song # Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if we

had never met at hull # But nobody there in the evening # To hold # To

call # Going to bed feeling lonely # But not knowing lonely for who #

This I how my life might be without you # Or... # I might be banging,

banging in the morning, barning in the night # But please queue up sh

I have only got one Wang, but you wait your turn we can have some

sweet banging # In the club with my click, I have an idea, let's start

banging, let the banging begin, it is not race it just bang. Obviously

that an immature view of single life. There is more to it than bang

will is also # Humping, after the show when the party pumping # All

right ladies the place is small and we have to hump in the hall # It is

around around the back # Banging, banging, humping, this is an

alternative view of how things might be without all of you! Thank

you. Lady and gentlemen. Are you coming off or staying on. You have

been marvellous. I think you have got to go. It is a live show. He's

gone. There is bread. David O'Doherty. Bread. There he goes.

There is the bread for you. We have come to the end of the show. It is

the end of the show. I will read out everyone's who has been on. Lee

Nelson, Joe Wilkinson, Adam Riches, Tom Rosenthal, Roisin Conaty # The

Boy With Tape On His Face # Nick Helm, Axis of Awesome, and David

O'Doherty. Thank you for coming out tonight to the Edinburgh Festival.

And the three at the fringe. And you can buy find more BBC comedy on

the BBC comedy web-site and thank you for coming. I have been Charlie

Baker and over to you Scott Mills. Thank you very much. Love him.

Charlie Baker there. Thank you and thank you for your tweet and

messages. And we will have an appearance from the midnight beast

on Monday on BBC Three. Good. Hi Frisky. How was that? It was fun.

have been here a week, and I... Need vegetables and sleep. How the

hell do you do this for a months? We're clean living. It is not cool

to say. We don't drink. That is not actually true. I saw you in the bar

Shush. I was having physio today. This is brutal. Like comedy at the

rough edge. It is so good. The first time it has been on BBC Three

live. Russell Kane hi. Hello. was it for you? Good my cold and

flu medication held up. I have been breaded. A string of snot went down

as I was talking about my sex life. I was advertising that I was single

and I snotted. Do you wants some of this lady. Or bread. There is

plenty of bread. Can I have some some. We're thinking we should do

this every year. This is great. Why aren't we doingy year. We should

celebrate the fringe. Comedians used to be geeks, now we're like

rock stars. A lot of people think that the festival is a bit too arty

farty. This proves that there is something for everyone. Yeah, they

proved I'm sweary moron. Are you having a lovely time. It is like a

dinosaur wrapped in a space ship w a swords on fire. The Boy With Tape

On His Face, are you having a nice On His Face, are you having a nice

time? Less my favourite. Listen, thank you for being on the show. I

think it was a success. Let's do it again. If you enjoyed tonight's

show there a week's worth of performances on the BBC Three web-

site. Covered in bread now. And you can tune into BBC Three on Mondays