Three @ The Fringe Comedy At The Fringe


Three @ The Fringe

Lee Nelson, Russell Kane and Charlie Baker present an anarchic, late night live show showcasing some of comedy's biggest names and introducing stars of the Edinburgh Fringe 2011.


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Transcript


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This programme could contain strong Hello. Welcome to BBC Three's

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first-ever live comedy show. We are coming to you from the Edinburgh

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Fringe. Over the next 90 minutes we will be serving up the most

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exciting comedy talent - thanks - who have wowed the audiences at

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this year's festival. Because you are at home doesn't mean you can't

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get involved. We are totally interactive. This is why I love

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Edinburgh! You can send your tweets to us by using #BBC3EDFRINGE.

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There's loads more to come. Or you can go online for a live chat - hi!

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With some stars of tonight's show and loads of exclusive extras.

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APPLAUSE You can send us a heckle! Heckle us! We are live, we are BBC

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Three, we are Friday night, the venue is packed to the rafters with

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an audience who have the best ticket in town right here. Say

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hello Edinburgh! AUDIENCE: Hello Edinburgh! You are

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live on BBC Three. This is going to be fun. Between now and midnight we

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have an amazing line-up of very, very funny people including Russell

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Kane, Roisin Conaty, Charlie Baker and Joe Wilkinson. Let's get going,

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shall we? CHEERING Here is our first MC of the evening, he is a

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total geezer who has kicked off a massive nationwide tour. He is

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ready to go. He is well good. He is Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE Hello, hello,

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hello. Spread the love! Good evening, Edinburgh Festival.

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Welcome to Three at the Fringe. I is your host, Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE

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Yeah, people, I am in the mood of my life! I'm in ScottyLand! I love

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it here, man. It is a magical mystical place. The Scotties reckon

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they have this 10,000-year-old dinosaur stake thing that lives

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under a lake, the Loch Ness monster. But they have a serious drinking

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problem so don't believe shit! I've had such a fun couple of days. I

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had my little boy's birthday party! We are the children's entertainer.

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The kids absolutely loved him. I dunno what he done, he wouldn't let

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grown ups in the room. LAUGHTER man, I love my little boy so much.

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I read to him every night. It's the only way I'm going to learn.

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LAUGHTER As a little birthday treat, I says to him, I'll read you any

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book you like, any book in the whole wide world and does you know

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what he said to me? Harry Potter. Harry Potter. What book do you want

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:04:03.:04:04.

me to read in the whole world? Harry Potter. LAUGHTER It's a

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bloody film! LAUGHTER What an idiot. Oh my gosh. You all right over

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here? Yeah. Nice, baby. You got kids? No. Would you like some?

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LAUGHTER That is how you bang girls in Scotty Land. Not wearing

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ridiculous hats like that, my man. I bought him two dogs, yeah, Benson

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and Hedges. Then pets - give us a cheer people with pets. CHEERING

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reckon I can guess what pet people have just by looking at them and

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that. I can. Let's have a look around here. Let's go for - we will

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go for you. I think you would have a rabbit. Yeah? With batteries in

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it! LAUGHTER You look absolutely filthy, sweetheart. Oh my gosh, you,

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sweetie-pie, I haven't forgotten about you, you would have a Bird of

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Paradise. Or a thrush! I is determined, yeah, to be a better

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old man to my little boy, than my old man ever was to me. I still

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remember my mum and dad arguing over me in court. My mum was like,

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"They were arguing over me in court" but my mum was like, "You

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can see him once every two week." My old man was, like, "Screw that,

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I am not seeing him that often!" I'm well happy with the step-dad I

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have got at the moment, he is a nice fella. He says to me, "I want

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you to start treating me like I'm your real dad." I was like, yeah,

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all right, then, where have you been for the last ten year? He

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calls me son. I'm like particularly into that from my step-dad, he says,

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"Lee, son, come and help your mother." I says, "I lovesout,

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whatever, but you have to drop the son." He was all right about it. He

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says "Sorry for offending here." LAUGHTER He is a Japanese legend,

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man. All the boys rip out of me because he is Japanese, oh yeah,

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your step-dad is Japanese, he must be into whaling. I don't know what

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whaling is, man. I think it is like dogging but with fat birds.

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LAUGHTER Oh, people, man, we has got a quality line-up for all of

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yous tonight. Is you, you, you up for the first act of the evening?

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AUDIENCE: Yes! The more love you give them the more love you get

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back so go mental for Joe Wilkinson. APPLAUSE CONTINUES

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I've only got three minutes, what am I doing? Hello. Nice to be here.

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Look at these. These are new. How are you? You well? Right, I'm Joe.

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I am going to tell you some things I have done recently and then I'm

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going to leave. LAUGHTER Cool. First thing, I haven't got any

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structure so there's going to be a bit, I will tell you a bit, it will

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end, it will peter off. My bits don't have ends. So if you are

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wondering where something is going, it's not. So first bit. You ready?

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Wooh! First, weirdly, my girlfriend told me this thing that apparently

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I swear in my sleep. Yeah. I don't swear that much in the day, but at

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night I really let rip. She did an impression, she went, "You do this,

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"Piss, shit, oh lock." Morning, I was worried about it. I thought I

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will ask my mum. Talk to her about it. I said I'm a bit worried, mum.

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Apparently, I swear in my sleep. "Lucky you don't sleep with kids."

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Yeah. Don't want to pick up any bad habits. Like, I've got Wi-Fi in my

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flat. I got quite a small flat so it goes everywhere. LAUGHTER And I

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did - I thought I was being modern and I did a bit of online shopping

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on the toilet, right? Oh yes. So I told my mum. "I did a bit of online

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shopping on the toilet." She went, "Oh did you? Have you got a

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laptop?" "Yes!" I didn't take a whole home computer into the toilet

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with a hard drive and monitor on my lap! I want to buy something, but I

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can't feel me legs. Oh dear. I tell you one last thing. I have heard

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these two boys talking, these schoolboys, near where I live. One

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of them was taking the piss out of his mate because his mate had done

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that thing in school, that awful thing, where in the day had called

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the teacher "dad" accidentally. I was like, "You poor bastard." That

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is one of the worst things you could do. I remember doing it. I

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felt sorry for him. I was this school, history lesson, I stuck my

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hand up. I meant to say Mr Carr and I said "dad". Everyone started

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laughing. What I remember most - just after I called the teacher dad

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the kid next to me lent in and went, "You want to bum him." LAUGHTER I

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don't know what goes on in your house my friend. Here is the number

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for ChildLine. APPLAUSE Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Oh yes. Funny.

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You knows, people, sometimes like people get the wrong idea about me.

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I'm like a nice man, you know, I'm a family man. I'm still proper,

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genuine absolutely gutted that me and my brother fell out and, yeah,

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we don't see each other no more and that and we used to get on. But

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then he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people and mixing

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with the wrong crowd and his life just went down the wrong path,

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innit. We tried to stop him but it was too late and it's really sad

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what happened to him. Because my brother ended up going to

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university. LAUGHTER Is you up for your next act of the night?

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AUDIENCE: Yes! Time for the World Champion at Swingball. I see you

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later. I see you later, guys. No problem. I catch up with you later.

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Real good. I see you soon. There's nobody there. Say it with me

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everybody swing-a-ball, the sport of champions. Invented by my father

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when he hung himself. Swingball is a sport as timeless as shit. I'm

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international swingball star. You guys want to learn how to play the

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marvellous sport? Simple. You follow my three rules. Of which

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there are four stkphr. One, the racquet. The tool of the trade. You

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need to take him wherever you go. You need to eat with him, sleep

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with him, drink with him and sleep with him. This one, he never leave

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my side. You take. Take as hard as you can. You see, you can't! It's

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because I had it grafted to the palm of my hand. That way I'm

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always ready to return serve. But I know what you are thinking, sat

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there with your sly and sexy smile, you are thinking Pedro, are you not

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a right handed guy? LAUGHTER You would be right. This is a mistake.

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A horrible mistake. I did the stitching myself whilst sat at home

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looking in the mirror and who knows, but great talking to you. See you

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in ten lines time. Next we need the uniform of the champion, the shirt,

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the shorts and the trainer shoes. For this I recommend the lifting of

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the shop. Finally, you need a sweaty band, this one is woven

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together from many of the hamstrings I have torn throughout

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my career, both my own and the money I have taken from the

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children who I teach. Now we are ready to play. Give him a round of

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applause, get on up here! APPLAUSE Let's play some swingball, my

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Give yourself a twirl. You're popular in the room. Don't worry, I

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will take care of that. Say it with me, swing a ball. Swing ball.

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say it from the ball, let it travel up and out your mouth like two

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furry testicles. Swing ball. Swing ball. Do it with the movement.

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Swing. Wait for the other one to catch up and then a ball. Go.

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Wait for the other one to catch up. And go. And a ball. Not bad. That

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is cool. Now we're going to show you thousand play swing ball. First

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you have to warm up. In the backstage area, I placed a bottle

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of the finest wine, as a gift from me to you for helping me with this

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demonstration. Round of applause for me. Your job is to run

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backstage and grab that wine and come back here as quick as you can,

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before we all count to 20. Wait for me to send you off. You think you

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can do this? I will try. No. Yeah. Swing ball, do it. You have to say

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it too. Swing a ball. Swing a ball. Good. So here we go. Everybody

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count with me, one, two, three four, five, six, seven... Eight there no

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wine. That was just to get him out of the way, so I could hit on his

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Sweetheart here. Give me that music. Swing a ball. Look at you. You got

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a twirl. You got a swing a boob for me. Swing a boob, swing a ball. I

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love this. Keep doing it. Have you ever been... Oh senor. Your acting

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is overshadowing mine. Sit down you crazy people. She just winked at me.

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You think you're done for the night. No my friend, we're going to play

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the game. We're going play extreme swing ball. Doubles edition. You

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take the racquet and you take a pole. Now, how we play extreme

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swing ball is... We swing the ball around our head and, let me exflain

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rule. We come at each other like gladiators in Rome. We get to

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within striking distance, you plunge the ball deep into the

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forehead of your competitor and hammer it in with the racquet like

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that. And we play best of three. I'm just kidding. Senor, jump up on

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the stage. You hold the ball for me. We're going to swing the ball

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around here, two hands. No, I swing the ball. It is like Roger Moore in

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Moon Raker. If you get behind me. Hold the ball, the same as him and

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let the ball do the work. That is good. We play back-to-back, OK and

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how we do it. It we hit the ball and then we switch and then we hit

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the ball and then we switch. The winner is the one who arrives in

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accident and emergency second! But that is not all. Because the icing

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on the extreme swing ball cake is we play it in total darkness. So

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let's go. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball.

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Hit the ball... Senor I have embarrassed you in front of your

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friend. But the thing is these guys are still swinging the balls.

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:19:33.:19:41.

Please take a seat. Thank you. senor Pedro. Legend. Yeah, you know

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I do try and be good, but sometimes I am like a little bit naughty. I

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popped in a disabled baby the other night. It was the wrong thing to do,

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but it was 10.30 at night. I thought they went to bed early. --

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I parked in a disabled bay. The warden said I'm going to give you a

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ticket. You haven't got a disability. I said yes, I have got

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:20:27.:20:27.

Tourettes - you locking banker! Yes! Oh yeah. I got toed away. --

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towed away. Is you up for your next act? No excuses, pop your nut and

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:20:43.:20:43.

get laughing for Tom Rosenthal. Hello, cheers mate. Hello everyone.

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Are you well? Thank you so much. It is kind of you. This is my trophy.

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I won this for being the funniest student. I brought this along for

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confidence really. I'm going to leave it there. And what you guys

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can do, is not enjoying what is going on, just look at the trophy

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and realise that you're probably wrong. Good that is the system. It

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is lovely being in Scotland. Economy opinions on Andy Murray? --

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any opinions on Andy Murray. Quite keen. Well he doesn't impress me.

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There is something unlookable about you. He is the only man whose

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success is both mundane and arrogant. When he wins, he throws

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his sweat bands into the crowd. No, no one wants your sweaty wrist wear,

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you prick. He wins a point and goes like this and goes Andy Murray.

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That is like me doing a good joke and going yes, I'm so locking funny.

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When his opponents make an error, he still goes yes! Who brought him

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up? The Rock? If another comedian's set is going badly and going, yes

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I'm better than you by default. When he signs autographs, Rafael

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Nadal is like pleasure to meet you. Andy Murray walks past people with

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a pen. Just drawing on their faces. I'm Andy Murray, I have got places

:22:39.:22:44.

to be, people to bore. You might think he is a nice guy. About this

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time last year, his girlfriend left him. I thought did he claet on her?

:22:49.:22:54.

No the reason she left is because she played Playstation 3 for seven

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hours a day. Playing virtual tennis as a virtual version... Of himself.

:23:05.:23:11.

You can imagine in the Andy Murray wing of Andy Murray mansion, Andy

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Murray versus Andy Murray on the PS three, massive wide-screen,

:23:19.:23:22.

surrounded by mirrors, the Andy Murray song, singing Andy Murray,

:23:22.:23:28.

the girlfriend says, what, mouthful of Murray mints. Can we have six r

:23:28.:23:33.

sex now? No, Andy Murray's playing. And put your Andy Murray mask back

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:23:43.:23:49.

on. That is all I have got time for. Thank you. The legend, yes, Tom

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Rosenthal. That people is all we have got time for. Oh no! Yeah I

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got a go and I got a very long night ahead of me.... With her.

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Listen I have been Lee Nelson, catch my second series next week on

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:24:17.:24:17.

BBC Three. Laters Edinburgh! Fantastic, thank you Lee Nelson.

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BBC Three is coming to you live and fully interactive from the

:24:23.:24:33.

Edinburgh Festival. I lope you enjoyed Adam rifpls. We have an

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extended set from him later. They are all on the web-site. -- Adams

:24:40.:24:45.

Riches. Look who is joining me now. It is only bloody Charlie Baker.

:24:45.:24:50.

How is your Edinburgh? I like it. You never know if they're doing a

:24:50.:24:55.

show or if they're just drunk. have already been heckled. Just as

:24:55.:25:01.

I opened the show. They're like your jacket is too small. But you

:25:01.:25:10.

look nice. You're here and you have a hash tag set up for us. Hash tag

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celeb spot. What we want is a famous face in a mundane place.

:25:16.:25:22.

Like I saw John Nettles in a pound shop buying batteries. I saw him.

:25:22.:25:27.

Have you seen anyone famous doing anything bore something It is not

:25:27.:25:35.

that boring, David hossle Hoffe came to my -- Hasselhoff came to my

:25:36.:25:45.
:25:46.:25:48.

mum's house and he piste in my mum's -- piste in my mum's garden.

:25:48.:25:57.

If you have met a celebrity in a dull situation, hash tag celeb spot.

:25:58.:26:06.

It could turned into instant comedy. Well I will read them out. If you

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have met a famous face in a mundane place let us know. The festival is

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awash with celebrities. They get every where in Edinburgh, including

:26:15.:26:20.

the toilets. I'm not the type who hang around in the men's to its,

:26:20.:26:29.

but I know a bloke who does. Earlier Mr Joey Essex, he bumped

:26:29.:26:39.
:26:39.:26:39.

into our glamorous toilet attendant, Mr Tony Izzet. Are you if fellow

:26:39.:26:46.

off that show? Yeah the only way is Essex. I'm not sure whether it is a

:26:46.:26:52.

drama or a dookmentry. - documentary. It is like what you

:26:52.:26:56.

call it a reality TV show. But it is confusing, you're not sure what

:26:56.:27:02.

is real and what isn't. Most of it is real. But it is like, sometimes

:27:02.:27:09.

the scenes are set up to do it. It is weird. Your definitely like, you

:27:09.:27:15.

are no one's playing you now. I'm myself. And the kark Der you

:27:15.:27:25.

play is... Joe Izzet. I can't understand, are we in the drama

:27:25.:27:35.
:27:35.:27:35.

now? Hmm, the drama is act innit? We're not acting? No I don't think

:27:35.:27:45.
:27:45.:27:46.

we're. Don't think so. That is Tony Izzet. We have leds of his toileted

:27:46.:27:51.

a -- loads o' of his toilet adventures on the web-site. Now

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over to the Baby Bubble for live musical comedy. His show has been

:27:57.:28:03.

doing well and you are about to find out why. Performing a song 15

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can have reasons, put some money in the swear box and give it foup up -

:28:12.:28:22.
:28:22.:28:26.

# I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got five good reasons

:28:26.:28:30.

to make you stay I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got

:28:30.:28:39.

five good reasons to make you stay # No 1 I got a real nice house # I

:28:39.:28:44.

share it with my parents, but they're quiet as a mouse and I real

:28:44.:28:51.

tiez plural for mouse is mice, so if you're pick chug a mouse, you

:28:51.:28:58.

had better picture it twice. Two, I'm reliable I will never leave

:28:58.:29:04.

your side, I will always remember important dates and # I'm hardly

:29:04.:29:12.

ever late # Three, I'm handy with a tool # I'm good at clearing, I

:29:12.:29:18.

ain't no fool I will do the shopping # I will even clop the

:29:18.:29:24.

wood if the wood needs chopping. No 4 I don't like football I don't get

:29:24.:29:29.

it at all. # All the teams and the players look just the same # If I

:29:29.:29:36.

had to sum it up I'd say it's just a game # I'm good at cooking # I

:29:36.:29:41.

got five more reasons to make you stay # I got five more reasons to

:29:41.:29:48.

make you stay # I got five more reasons to make you stay I got five

:29:48.:29:56.

# Six # I like walking on the beach

:29:56.:30:00.

# Sunsets and fireworks # The stuff you can't teach

:30:00.:30:03.

# Dogs and monkeys # Hamsters and parrots

:30:03.:30:10.

# I'll serve it up with carrots # Seven, heaven, heaven

:30:10.:30:17.

# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven

:30:17.:30:22.

# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Me and you in Devon

:30:22.:30:28.

# Eight, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon

:30:28.:30:32.

# Devon, Devon, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon

:30:32.:30:37.

# Me and you in Devon # Number nine

:30:37.:30:41.

# I'm really sensitive # I realise I might be a bit too

:30:41.:30:45.

sensitive # But if I can try and be a bit

:30:45.:30:51.

less sensitive # I'll be just there

:30:51.:30:56.

# Ten # I'm good at fucking

:30:56.:31:01.

# I got five less reasons to make you stay

:31:01.:31:04.

# I got five less reasons to make you stay

:31:04.:31:08.

# I've got five less reasonsss # To make you stay

:31:08.:31:13.

# 11, OK I'm not so good at fucking # But I'm willing to improve

:31:13.:31:17.

# That is surely worth something # I'll buy a book about it

:31:17.:31:20.

# I'll practice on my breathing # I'll do anything you want me to

:31:20.:31:27.

# If I don't stop you leaving # 12, I'll buy you so much stuff

:31:27.:31:32.

until it's enough # I know you are not a very

:31:32.:31:34.

materialistic girl # But the stuff that I buy you

:31:34.:31:37.

# Will be the best stuff in the world

:31:37.:31:43.

# Number 14, what happened to 13? # 13 is unlucky so I skipped that

:31:43.:31:46.

# And I changed the rhyme structure in the end

:31:46.:31:53.

# But you got to understand that it's a real long song

:31:53.:31:57.

# 15, I bought a gun # I got 15 reasons to make you stay

:31:57.:32:07.
:32:07.:32:25.

# I got 15 reasons to make you stay. Thank you very much. That was Nick

:32:25.:32:28.

Helm live on BBC Three. Time to go back to the Bubble and have some

:32:28.:32:35.

more live comedy. Our next MC was the winner of last year's Edinburgh

:32:35.:32:45.
:32:45.:32:52.

Comedy Award. It's the one and only Hello. How you doing? We are live

:32:52.:32:59.

on BBC Three. I can say spunk and they can't stop me! Spunk, spunk!

:32:59.:33:04.

Nothing they can do. We have three amazing acts in this section. Are

:33:04.:33:09.

you excited? Some of you are struggling to recognise me. I'm not

:33:09.:33:12.

Nick Grimshaw! This is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown which is

:33:12.:33:17.

why I look the aborted trip let of Jedward. Get rid of it mother, it

:33:17.:33:23.

is not one of ours! LAUGHTER This is my weird career. The last time I

:33:23.:33:31.

was live on the BBC Television, I was dressed as Beyonce dancing and

:33:31.:33:39.

at the time I was single, very confusing for a man to be split up

:33:39.:33:46.

and dressed as a woman. I will become my own woman. Imagine what

:33:46.:33:51.

my ex must have thought? He's coping really badly! I thought

:33:51.:33:55.

afterwards it is not going to interfere, but a lot of straight

:33:55.:34:01.

women - I am straight by the way! This is straight sexuality in

:34:01.:34:11.
:34:11.:34:16.

London. I can't explain it I like Lisa Minelli and vag! I got some

:34:16.:34:20.

weird e-mails from girls. I don't understand what I felt when I saw

:34:20.:34:25.

you dressed as a woman. I don't want to analyse it. Please meet me

:34:25.:34:35.

for a sloppy Gieuseppi. I was only dating girls with low self-esteem.

:34:35.:34:38.

I have no confidence since my boyfriend left me. Get in the van,

:34:38.:34:42.

you'll do. The hunt was on for a girl. I do like talking about my

:34:42.:34:47.

job, but not too much. So you don't want to go out for a pizza and

:34:47.:34:51.

speak about yourself. I went out for this one girl, she was perfect,

:34:51.:34:57.

not overly confident. More like Natalie Portman when she was having

:34:57.:35:02.

a bad moment in Black Swan. Get in the van! We got on. We spoke about

:35:02.:35:06.

comedy a bit. She wasn't too impressed. I started to feel not

:35:06.:35:11.

only in the pants but in the heart as well, I get the ET lump. It was

:35:11.:35:16.

time to invite her back to mine. I'm always staying at hotels. It is

:35:16.:35:20.

a creepy place to invite a girl back to. Come back to the hotel and

:35:21.:35:25.

clean up with the tiny soaps. Want a small whisky?! It didn't matter

:35:25.:35:29.

because it was comfortable and fun and we had so much in common and I

:35:29.:35:33.

knew we were going to do it for the first time. Because it took me so

:35:33.:35:37.

long to lose my virginity I have not lost the excitement of doing it

:35:37.:35:41.

for the first time. I can't believe I'm going to do it. I still have to

:35:41.:35:46.

go for a victory dance in the bathroom. Going to stick my willy -

:35:47.:35:54.

don't come in - willy going in! LAUGHTER And so we are kissing,

:35:54.:35:59.

this girl is bang up my street. She got the Japanese cartoon haircut,

:35:59.:36:03.

stick-thin, rocking back-and-forth, I don't know what I like, I have no

:36:03.:36:06.

confidence. I'm exaggerating! LAUGHTER We are in the hotel room,

:36:06.:36:11.

we are snogging. Mwah, the type where we are going to do it. We are

:36:11.:36:14.

both in our underwear. I can't remember what underwear she had on.

:36:14.:36:19.

I was in my H&M multi-pack like these ones! The ones that look

:36:19.:36:23.

humiliating for a man - there is nothing good about being a man and

:36:23.:36:33.
:36:33.:36:33.

being naked. It is nice of you girls to pretend! Now we can

:36:33.:36:40.

consume male flesh! You don't mean a fully naked man. You mean - there

:36:40.:36:45.

is something - I know girls are thinking nonsense, it is worse to

:36:45.:36:50.

have the body of a woman. How dare you generalise. Think of the

:36:51.:36:54.

changes our bodies go through, through pregnancy, it is so hard to

:36:54.:36:58.

have the body of a woman. Girls, in this highly educated festival

:36:58.:37:02.

audience, how many of you have ever stopped to think what it is like to

:37:02.:37:08.

have a humiliating rod of flesh jut out from your body the moment you

:37:08.:37:14.

find anyone vaguely attractive? Do you like me or not? That will be

:37:14.:37:21.

telling! Oh my God, why am I being so random?! LAUGHTER That was the -

:37:21.:37:27.

so true and personal, I'm getting the weird lips. So it is snogging.

:37:27.:37:32.

You know when it is going to happen. We are connected on every level.

:37:32.:37:36.

Mwah, all of a sudden the stop, that feeling where the hand goes on

:37:36.:37:41.

the chest. Please wait, no. What? What is it? Have you got a

:37:41.:37:47.

boyfriend? Has the spell worn off? It is like a spell wearing off in

:37:47.:37:53.

Harry Potter! It can happen when you stop being funny. I wish I was

:37:53.:37:57.

a good enough writer, people of Britain, live on BBC Three, to

:37:57.:38:05.

invent what came out of this girl's mouth. Such is the weird world that

:38:05.:38:09.

I have gone into, these are the genuine words that came out of the

:38:09.:38:16.

girl's mouth - what is it? She said, "Please do the Beyonce dance." I

:38:16.:38:20.

swear to God. I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it,

:38:20.:38:25.

ladies and gentlemen. I plugged my travel iPod speaker in - the creepy

:38:25.:38:30.

one you buy on an aeroplane. I can't, I have injured my shoulder.

:38:31.:38:37.

Shut up! I plugged it in. Have you any idea what that dance looks

:38:37.:38:47.
:38:47.:38:48.

like... Da-da-oh-oh-na-na! It finishes with a dramatic - like

:38:48.:38:53.

that. I thought when I turned round she would be, the pre-sexual lafter

:38:53.:39:02.

that can exist between lovers -- laughter that can exist between

:39:03.:39:08.

lovers. She was so aroused by my primal dance she launched from the

:39:08.:39:16.

bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge. Drrrrr...

:39:16.:39:21.

LAUGHTER So there is no punchlines, I'm post-modern, relax. Ladies and

:39:21.:39:27.

gentlemen, I was spolzed to come on and warm you up -- supposed to come

:39:27.:39:32.

on and warm you up but you were so lovely I indulged myself. Give

:39:32.:39:37.

yourself a round of applause. APPLAUSE Give all the acts lots of

:39:37.:39:42.

love when they come in. I will come in in between. It is like - spunk,

:39:42.:39:48.

there is nothing you can do about it - I'm over running - spunk! It

:39:48.:39:53.

is so liberating. It is time for the first act. Please go wild,

:39:53.:39:57.

start with a smattering of applause, almost like we are not bothered,

:39:57.:40:01.

building up to a working-class chunky clap, cheering like

:40:01.:40:09.

Americans, welcome to the stage, Roisin Conaty.

:40:09.:40:13.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Edinburgh. You well?

:40:13.:40:17.

AUDIENCE: Yes. I wish Russell told me he didn't want to do the dance,

:40:17.:40:21.

I would have let it go. Good. Lovely to be here. I will tell you

:40:21.:40:27.

about myself. Three minutes. I'm 32, single, I have moved out of home!

:40:27.:40:31.

CHEERING Thank you. When did they start charging for water? Pricks!

:40:31.:40:38.

No idea that happened. You pay for this? What happens next? Air? I was

:40:38.:40:41.

living with my grandmother before I moved out. She went to get her

:40:41.:40:45.

passport photos done and she phoned me up and she was like, "I don't

:40:46.:40:54.

look right in these photos." I was like nan, you are 85, 75 is a

:40:54.:40:59.

distant lifetime away. She is all suited and booted to go to the

:40:59.:41:03.

passport agency. Show me the photos. She showed me. You know when you go

:41:03.:41:08.

into the machine you can choose the background? My nan was stood in the

:41:09.:41:15.

middle of the Manchester United football team just sitting next to

:41:15.:41:18.

Paul Scholes. That is the reason you look weird! You are old, like a

:41:18.:41:23.

lot of people wouldn't notice 11 grown men stood next to them. Then

:41:23.:41:27.

she phoned me up, "I will have to tell you something, I was at the

:41:28.:41:37.

bingo and I spoke to my friend, she ended up in Postman Pat's van." I'm

:41:37.:41:41.

single. Give me a cheer if you are single CHEERING Give me a cheer if

:41:41.:41:47.

you are in a relationship. CHEERING Some of you didn't answer. I went

:41:47.:41:51.

on a date for the first time in a while. A lovely man. He invited me

:41:51.:41:55.

around to his house. It is quite, you know when someone tries to

:41:55.:42:01.

seduce you too openly, it can make you feel uncomfortable. There were

:42:01.:42:06.

candles everywhere. There's a fine line between romantic and

:42:06.:42:09.

sacrificial. I didn't know if he was going to ask me to go to bed

:42:09.:42:15.

with him or kill a goat. The last time anything like this happened to

:42:15.:42:25.
:42:25.:42:25.

me was when I was with my ex. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been

:42:25.:42:29.

my time. It's been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your time. Good night.

:42:29.:42:38.

APPLAUSE Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen. How about that. APPLAUSE

:42:38.:42:42.

I like it when I have a bit of admin to do. We are running over so

:42:42.:42:45.

we are going to turn it over in between acts. Go wild, welcome to

:42:45.:42:55.
:42:55.:42:59.

the stage, the one, the only John Luke Robert! APPLAUSE You can call

:42:59.:43:09.
:43:09.:43:11.

me by my rap name - what I like to do is to insult you all to your

:43:11.:43:15.

faces individually. It is to lower the self-confidence of the room,

:43:15.:43:20.

make you more nervous, a bit more giggly. I don't want to hurt anyone,

:43:20.:43:23.

though. I will do it off these cards. It is nothing to do with you.

:43:23.:43:33.

It is what happens to be at the card. Some of them do happen to be

:43:33.:43:40.

spookily accurate. So - if you do end up crying, can you do that

:43:40.:43:45.

crying that can be mistaken for laughter. Shout your name at me, I

:43:45.:43:53.

will insult you. Harry! I have been to the top of Ben Nevis and by

:43:53.:43:59.

comparison YOU are a terrible view. LAUGHTER That is the sort of

:43:59.:44:04.

warning shot. I don't pull punches. How do you feel? OK? Great. Kate.

:44:05.:44:10.

People say a lot of nice things about you, Kate. They also do this

:44:10.:44:18.

a lot. LAUGHTER Mark. They broke the mould when they made you. No,

:44:18.:44:23.

just before they made you! I'm implying that Mark is defective.

:44:23.:44:30.

LAUGHTER Caroline. It's like your face is in 3D, but I haven't got

:44:30.:44:36.

the glasses on. LAUGHTER Linda. If opposites attract, you must be

:44:36.:44:45.

going out with someone kind, attractive and continent! Sarah.

:44:46.:44:53.

The one thing Israel and Palestine can agree on is that you are a

:44:53.:45:00.

dooshbag! Keith. If you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form of

:45:00.:45:10.
:45:10.:45:11.

livestock, even Morrissey would Susan, your filing system is

:45:11.:45:15.

inadequate. Dawn if you went through a high profile divorce with

:45:16.:45:23.

Katie Price, the public sympathy would be with her. Alex, no one has

:45:23.:45:30.

ever had a sex dream about you, without waking up and feeling

:45:30.:45:36.

distinctly uneasy. Stuart, nobody can play the song what a wonderful

:45:36.:45:41.

world near you, without seeming insincere. Back to the second row.

:45:41.:45:48.

Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you, has done so sarcastically.

:45:48.:45:57.

Danny in a dystopian vision of the future, you would remain the same.

:45:57.:46:05.

Mike, last one, think you can take it? If Peter Parker was bitten by a

:46:05.:46:12.

radioactive you, he wouldn't be Spiderman, he would be Dickheadman.

:46:12.:46:22.
:46:22.:46:24.

Thank you very much. Brilliant. John Luke Roberts. It is almost

:46:24.:46:32.

time for our final act. I'm so excited. He is a talented guy. Did

:46:32.:46:36.

his first Edinburgh last year. Strap n are you ready? Of course

:46:36.:46:45.

you are. Start with a smatering of applause, like the vicar has

:46:45.:46:54.

provided a nice flan, building up to I just pierced my baby's ear.

:46:55.:47:04.
:47:05.:47:39.

Welcome to the stage The Boy With # There's only you in my life # The

:47:39.:47:49.
:47:49.:47:52.

only thing that's right # # Mi first love, you're every breath

:47:52.:48:02.
:48:02.:48:09.

that I take #Y step I make And I # I want to share all my love with

:48:09.:48:19.
:48:19.:48:25.

you # No one else will do # your eyes Your eyes, your eyes #

:48:25.:48:35.
:48:35.:48:38.

They tell me how much you care # Oh yeah # You will always be... # My

:48:38.:48:48.
:48:48.:48:48.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds

:48:48.:49:59.

# Hey baby come ore here # I'm not denying # We're flying above it all

:49:59.:50:09.
:50:09.:50:13.

# Hold my hand, don't let me go # You have such Amazing Grace # I've

:50:13.:50:23.
:50:23.:50:50.

never felt this way # Oh # Show me The Boy With Tape On His Face! We

:50:50.:50:56.

have reached the end of our section. Thank you, I have been Russell Kane,

:50:56.:51:03.

you have been a fantastic audience. Thank you and good night. Russell

:51:04.:51:08.

Kane there and I love the The Boy With Tape On His Face. If you have

:51:08.:51:13.

just got home from the pub, hello, where have you been? Tonight we're

:51:13.:51:18.

live and we're interactive from the Edinburgh Fringe. In a place call

:51:19.:51:27.

The BBC Bubble. We're on TV, online and we're live. If you liked John

:51:27.:51:31.

Luke Roberts insulting the audience, you can generate one of your own

:51:31.:51:37.

insults by our exclusive insult generator. If you log on and you

:51:37.:51:42.

can receive an insult from the man himself. Or if you prefer, you can

:51:42.:51:50.

send an insult to a friend of family member or a loved one. But

:51:50.:51:58.

not your Nan. And we have created a an online experience with the The

:51:58.:52:02.

Boy With Tape On His Face. Go to the web-site and you can spend

:52:02.:52:07.

hours getting up to no good. We still need your tweets for Charlie

:52:07.:52:13.

Baker now. He needs your tales of spotting famous faces in mundane

:52:13.:52:18.

places. If you have bumped into Wayne Rooney in the post office

:52:18.:52:28.
:52:28.:52:29.

Charlie Baker might be using your story on the BBC Three stage

:52:29.:52:33.

tonight. Just spotted by me, Neil and Christine Hamilton trying to

:52:33.:52:38.

get into the BBC Bubble and failing. Amazing! Have you come across the

:52:38.:52:48.
:52:48.:52:49.

toilet attendant yet? Look who it is. It is Lee Nelson! Yeah! Hello

:52:49.:52:55.

Scottie. A fist bump. There we go. That was a nice start to the show.

:52:55.:53:00.

I thought you were going to kiss me. No man, we're just mates. I have

:53:00.:53:06.

told you about 15 times. How was it for you? It's a buzz telly. You do

:53:06.:53:12.

radio, I know you do some things, but radio is your thing. You like

:53:12.:53:17.

it? Yeah. He has made a proper effort. Look at his little thing.

:53:17.:53:23.

He has gone for the tailored look and blown �25 on that. I don't even

:53:23.:53:28.

know what is wrong with my jacket know what is wrong with my jacket

:53:28.:53:34.

tonight. I think it looks fine. stitches is on the outside and

:53:34.:53:41.

they're meant to be on inside. Come here girlys. Do you find it...

:53:41.:53:46.

down on my lap and then we'll talk about the first thing that comes up.

:53:46.:53:53.

Do you find it easier to get girls now you're on the telly. Yes they

:53:53.:53:59.

love a bit of famous. With that and my looks, I have got a TV face, you

:53:59.:54:06.

have got a radio face. But that is what they love. Women you, where

:54:06.:54:14.

you staying? At my home with my husband. It is a pity he won't be

:54:14.:54:20.

enjoying himself. Just filming the whole thing. You have got a new

:54:20.:54:25.

show starting? Yes I have got BBC Three 10.30, 25 of August. Brand-

:54:25.:54:32.

new series. And it is going to be a proper buzz. It is got me and

:54:32.:54:36.

Omelette. And we have got my Nan there and we have got jokes and

:54:36.:54:41.

girls. We have got everything. It will be a proper buzz. I can't wait.

:54:41.:54:45.

Have you been here for the whole festival? No I have been back in

:54:45.:54:55.
:54:55.:54:55.

London. But it is fun. Scotyland is amazing. Are you a Scottie girl.

:54:55.:55:01.

All I knew was that SuBo girl. So she is well nice. I hope I am an

:55:01.:55:08.

improvement. You is proper. don't you two do off and chat

:55:08.:55:13.

properly. Thank you. Nice one Lee. Loving you back. Our toilet

:55:13.:55:22.

attendant is next. Someone else has been man handled there and let's go

:55:22.:55:32.
:55:32.:55:36.

You look like that David hassle Hoffe. Only younger. Thank you. I

:55:36.:55:45.

am actually... I Aamer Anwar David Hasselhoff. I grew up watching the

:55:46.:55:54.

Knight Rider and you were my dad's age. Now you look like Benjamin

:55:54.:56:01.

Button. How do you keep in shape. work out. I'm rubbish at that.

:56:01.:56:08.

You're giving away candy. Don't eat sugar. I like it. You drink pints?

:56:08.:56:14.

Yes. Stay away with that stuff. When cu look at yourself, do you

:56:14.:56:22.

see an actor, o'er a singer or a lifeguard? I see myself as a dad.

:56:22.:56:26.

Oh! What are you doing in here. have to go to the rest room.

:56:26.:56:31.

these your daughters. Who is the better singer out of the three of

:56:31.:56:40.

you. I is dad. We're all different. He is musical theatre and poppy.

:56:40.:56:50.
:56:50.:56:53.

We're all different. You're like a female Jedward. Now, as you know,

:56:53.:56:57.

we have been broadcasting footage from here in Edinburgh at the

:56:57.:57:04.

fringe all week on the red button. Let's have a look at one of the

:57:04.:57:11.

highlights. A load 06 you - of you love watching him. I is the

:57:11.:57:17.

fantastic Andrew Lawrence. Thank you. Why not if we're going to have

:57:17.:57:25.

a ginger man on the stage, have an orange backdrop. Then no one will

:57:25.:57:29.

notice hi hair. Who is from Edinburgh. Give me a chair. Just

:57:29.:57:33.

the ladies at the back. I like the Edinburgh people. I think you're

:57:33.:57:37.

hard working people. If you go north there is Dundee, Aberdeen,

:57:37.:57:42.

Inverness, those places only exist as a constant reminder to people of

:57:42.:57:46.

Edinburgh, if you don't keep working hard and making money, that

:57:46.:57:52.

is where you could ends up. It is nice to, I have having a nice time.

:57:52.:57:57.

I took a day off and drove up the coast. I stopped off at the

:57:57.:58:02.

services on the way to use the men's toilets was out of order. The

:58:02.:58:07.

ladies were out and I had to use the disabled. I went in, did what I

:58:07.:58:11.

needed to do, came out and the man at the station was there, he said,

:58:11.:58:17.

those toilets are for disabled customers only. I said I am disable.

:58:17.:58:24.

He said what is your disability. I said I have poor hand/high co-

:58:24.:58:30.

ordination. It is not a disability. Tell me after you have seen how

:58:30.:58:34.

much piddle I have left on the floor. I am treating it as a hol

:58:34.:58:39.

day, although I don't like British holidays, when I was 13 I went to

:58:39.:58:45.

Weymouth and walked along the beach and stepped on syringe. Now say

:58:45.:58:49.

what you like about heroin, when your a teenager on holiday with

:58:49.:58:53.

your parents, its make things better actually. I don't remember

:58:53.:58:58.

much about that holiday. There was a man walking up and down the beach

:58:58.:59:04.

selling ice-creams. He has no top on and an abnormal number of

:59:04.:59:08.

nipples. I don't want to buy products from a man with five

:59:08.:59:15.

nipples. I like festivals. I'm a bit old for them. Especial think

:59:15.:59:21.

music festivals. I -- especially the music festivals. I can't go it

:59:21.:59:30.

is an abomb daigs. What is not to like? I think cack-smeared toilets,

:59:30.:59:36.

punching all who venture, brain- crippling stench of hell, a fear

:59:36.:59:42.

some fat drunk will collapse on top of your tents and crash you into a

:59:42.:59:46.

sack of shattered bones and you have to crawl through mud to the

:59:46.:59:52.

ambulance, who are too busy pumping the stomachs of teenagers to attend

:59:52.:59:57.

to my internal bleeding and Sunday you collapse in the back of

:59:57.:00:00.

someone's 15-year-old car, consider yourself lucky to be alive as you

:00:00.:00:05.

spend what seemed like a ten hour motorway journey trying to claw a

:00:05.:00:10.

pinch wrist band off your arm. Apart from that they a barrel of

:00:10.:00:16.

laughs. Sign me up immediately! has been a privilege tonight. Thank

:00:16.:00:26.
:00:26.:00:27.

If you are a fan of Andrew - you a fan? Yes! We also have filmed more

:00:27.:00:31.

of him this week as part of our of him this week as part of our

:00:31.:00:36.

coverage on BBC Three. Details are on your screen right now -

:00:36.:00:45.

bbc.co.uk/three. Shall we have some more music? Live on BBC Three from

:00:45.:00:50.

the Baby Bubble, it is Australia's undisputed Kings of Comedy Rock.

:00:50.:00:58.

Here to perform their four-lettered tribute to boy racers, give it up

:00:58.:01:05.

for The Axis of Awesome. Thank you. I'm Jordan. Stkpwhri I'm Lee. ALL:

:01:05.:01:15.
:01:15.:01:15.

We are -- I'm Lee. ALL: We are The Axis of Awesome. There have been

:01:15.:01:25.
:01:25.:01:25.

landmark songs throughout history. Hannah Montana's Pass The Fucking

:01:25.:01:33.

Crackpot. If you are not crying now, you will be by the end of this.

:01:33.:01:35.

# It's Friday night # Gonna feel all right

:01:35.:01:38.

# It's party night # All right, all right

:01:38.:01:41.

# All right # Yeah

:01:41.:01:47.

# Gonna see the sights # Gonna drive through town tonight

:01:48.:01:54.

# Gonna crank the volume when I get # Gonna crank the volume when I get

:01:54.:01:58.

to the lights # Can you hear the fucking music

:01:58.:02:02.

coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music

:02:02.:02:08.

coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music

:02:08.:02:13.

coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music

:02:13.:02:23.
:02:23.:02:25.

coming out of my car # The car is stopped and the bass

:02:25.:02:29.

is thumping # Everybody on the street get this

:02:29.:02:32.

party jumping # Around midnight I'll turn into a

:02:32.:02:42.

pumpkin # Do you like the fucking music

:02:42.:02:46.

coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music

:02:46.:02:50.

coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music

:02:50.:02:56.

coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music

:02:56.:03:06.
:03:06.:03:17.

# You can hear my fucking music # You can hear it on the streets

:03:17.:03:24.

# You can hear it while you sleep # You can hear it from my car!

:03:24.:03:30.

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

:03:30.:03:34.

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

:03:34.:03:38.

# I love the fucking music coming out of my car

:03:38.:03:48.
:03:48.:03:49.

# There's a lot of fucking music # There's a lot of fucking music

:03:49.:03:54.

coming out of my car. # I love those guys. They were

:03:54.:03:57.

brilliant on the Fun and Filth Cabinet. That was The Axis of

:03:57.:04:02.

Awesome. Time to join our final Master of Ceremonies. If you have

:04:02.:04:07.

been sendinginging us your celebspot stories, watch care

:04:07.:04:12.

tkphri right now. Your story may be on the stage -- watch carefully

:04:12.:04:16.

right now. Your story may be on the stage in the next few minutes. Time

:04:16.:04:26.
:04:26.:04:29.

We all right? Yes, thank you. Thank you. Calm down, I might be rubbish.

:04:30.:04:34.

We all right? Having a lovely time? AUDIENCE: Yes. We are live on BBC

:04:34.:04:40.

Three. Shout something. Woo-hooh! You pleased with your choice? Good.

:04:40.:04:45.

Enough. You are live on BBC Three. Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. Enough

:04:45.:04:51.

now. It is not an auction. I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack

:04:51.:05:01.
:05:01.:05:03.

Black to die. LAUGHTER He looks like him! It's funny looking like

:05:03.:05:08.

someone famous. When ever I meet someone famous I get nervous. Who

:05:08.:05:12.

have you met? No-one. No-one to me live on BBC Three. Thank you very

:05:12.:05:18.

much(!) I will let you know, before you said no-one, I asked this last

:05:18.:05:26.

night and someone said, "Jet from Gladiators." Have you met anyone

:05:26.:05:36.
:05:36.:05:42.

famous? The Wenger Boys. I like it when you meet rappers. I met Kanye

:05:42.:05:46.

West. I always think he sounds like a service station. Where did you

:05:46.:05:55.

get that pasty? Kanye West. 1.49 for diesel. The world's biggest

:05:55.:06:03.

rapper, Jay-Z. Wooh! And I got quite nervous meeting Jay-Z. When

:06:03.:06:09.

ever I meet someone super-famous I get a voice that goes, "There's

:06:09.:06:17.

Jay-Z there. Jay-Z, speak to Jay-Z. Say something to Jay-Z. Speak to

:06:17.:06:22.

him. Say something to Jay-Z. Get him out of his friendship ring." I

:06:22.:06:31.

have to say something to Jay-Z. So I will say this, "Jay-Z..." I went

:06:31.:06:36.

for a high-five, ladies and gentlemen, a high-five. And I stood

:06:36.:06:42.

there thinking, you look a right knob now, you look a penis. He did,

:06:42.:06:46.

ladies and gentlemen, bang on the high-five from Jay-Z. Yes,

:06:46.:06:52.

everybody! Come here. Come here. Woah! That was a confident high-

:06:52.:06:57.

five. You feeling good now about yourself? In six degrees of

:06:57.:07:04.

separation way, you have touched a hand that's touched a hand that has

:07:04.:07:08.

touched Beyonce's knockers! Pretty good - a round of applause.

:07:08.:07:15.

APPLAUSE Have another go. Fuck off, she is not a slag. LAUGHTER You

:07:15.:07:18.

liked it, you should have put a ring on it! There we are, ladies

:07:18.:07:22.

and gentlemen, we are going to bring our next act out. They have

:07:22.:07:27.

had a brilliant festival. They are excellent. Please welcome to stage,

:07:27.:07:37.
:07:37.:07:40.

the magnificent Frisky and Mannish. APPLAUSE Hi, there. Now, as pop

:07:40.:07:44.

academics, we could not let this event past without making reference

:07:44.:07:49.

to the tragic end of one of the greatest acts in pop history.

:07:49.:07:54.

course, this is the 79 month anniversary of the disbanding of

:07:54.:07:58.

Busted. # One day

:07:58.:08:02.

# When I came home # At lunch time

:08:02.:08:08.

# I heard # Went out to the backyard

:08:08.:08:13.

# Stood there # He told me he made a Time Machine

:08:13.:08:17.

like one in a film I had seen # Yeah

:08:17.:08:21.

# I said I've been to the year 3,000

:08:21.:08:26.

# Not much has changed... # But the rains came and swept the

:08:26.:08:33.

land and the animals rose up # Made slaves of the men and

:08:33.:08:38.

everything was death # And great, great, great-

:08:38.:08:44.

granddaughter... # Didn't make it. #

:08:44.:08:51.

Thank you. We don't have much time so we are going to finish by

:08:51.:08:56.

looking at the work of an artist who we both feel will come to be

:08:56.:09:02.

seen as one of the most important female singer-songwriters in the

:09:02.:09:12.
:09:12.:09:15.

history of music. # Out on the windy moors

:09:15.:09:21.

# You had a temper # Like my jealousy

:09:21.:09:25.

# How could you leave me # When I needed to

:09:25.:09:28.

# Possess you # I hated you

:09:28.:09:33.

# I loved you too # Bad dreams in the night

:09:33.:09:36.

# Told me I was going to lose the fight

:09:36.:09:42.

# Leave her # Wutherg

:09:42.:09:46.

# Heathcliff # Kathy, I've come home

:09:46.:09:52.

# Let me in at your window # Oh, Heathcliff

:09:52.:09:54.

# It's me # Oh Kathy

:09:55.:09:58.

# I've come home # Let me in at your window

:09:58.:10:01.

# Oh, oh # My fingertips are holding on to

:10:01.:10:07.

# The cracks in the window pane # And I know that I should let go

:10:07.:10:12.

but I can't # And every time we find

:10:13.:10:18.

# I know it's not right # Every time you are upset

:10:18.:10:23.

# I know I should forget but I can't

:10:23.:10:25.

# Ooh # Let me have it

:10:25.:10:29.

# Let me grab your soul away # You

:10:29.:10:35.

# Let me have it # Let me grab your soul away

:10:35.:10:38.

# You know # It's me

:10:38.:10:46.

# Kathy. # I just want your kiss boy.

:10:46.:10:49.

# Kiss boy # I just want your kiss

:10:49.:10:56.

# I just want your kiss boy # Heathcliff

:10:56.:11:01.

# He's running up that hill # I just want your kiss boy

:11:01.:11:09.

# The hounds of love are hunted # I want your soul boy

:11:09.:11:19.
:11:19.:11:20.

# I just want your soul # Oooh, ooh

:11:20.:11:28.

# Woah, aah # Catherine is a victim

:11:28.:11:36.

# Catherine sits in her room playing killer, killer beats. #

:11:36.:11:46.
:11:46.:12:00.

That was Frisky and Mannish. Hooray for them. Still clapping. They are

:12:00.:12:06.

still clapping. I'm out here in the guts of the Edinburgh Fringe

:12:06.:12:10.

festival tent. She is not clapping there. Just clap. Very good. Man in

:12:10.:12:16.

hat indoors, can we see him? Well done, Sir. Having a pint, look at

:12:16.:12:21.

this man in his leather jacket. Well done, Sir. Very good. I'm -

:12:21.:12:26.

hello. I'm good, thank you. What is your name? Anni. Have you ever met

:12:26.:12:33.

anyone famous? I met Steps on Live and Kicking. It doesn't get any

:12:33.:12:36.

better(!) that is marvellous. What is the best show you have seen this

:12:37.:12:46.

summer? Wedding Band by Charlie Baker at 2.45. Very good. How

:12:46.:12:50.

marvellous. Sounds excellent. What is the best show you have seen this

:12:50.:12:54.

summer? I haven't seen any yet so this one. Yes, what a glowing

:12:54.:12:58.

review that is(!) LAUGHTER Excellent. We are going to bring

:12:59.:13:03.

out our next act. APPLAUSE Please welcome all the way from Australia,

:13:03.:13:13.
:13:13.:13:26.

Do you like bread? Yeah. Do you like fully get into it? Not fully.

:13:26.:13:31.

I know you are talking about bread. You know bread? I don't know bread.

:13:31.:13:41.
:13:41.:13:42.

I like toast. I like toast. I fully get into bread. I like bread when

:13:42.:13:47.

I... What? What the fuck are you talking about? I know you are

:13:47.:13:52.

talking about bread! What is going on with this disco music, man?

:13:53.:13:58.

it is for the bread. What do you mean it's for bread? Like, when you

:13:58.:14:05.

putting on bread shoes. You should have said that! Bread shoes. Oh

:14:05.:14:09.

yeah, this one is going out to all the ladies out there who like to

:14:09.:14:19.
:14:19.:14:50.

Bring it on back. Come on, throw it at me! Come on bring it all back.

:14:50.:15:00.
:15:00.:15:38.

There's a famine! You're looking at me like, fuck, it's the guy from

:15:39.:15:48.
:15:49.:15:51.

Guess Who! If you want to hire me out, I don't just do bread, I also

:15:51.:15:59.

do soup. I once wiped my arse with a slice of bread. I ran out and had

:15:59.:16:04.

to use the crust, so my finger wouldn't tear through. Don't use

:16:04.:16:14.
:16:14.:16:33.

APPLAUSE. Sam Symonds everyone. There is loads of bread on the

:16:33.:16:39.

floor. There is people stafbing. This is like North London last week.

:16:40.:16:47.

-- people starving. She is going, she is in the production of Bugsy

:16:47.:16:53.

Malone. She tap dancers as well. See that, Koch watcher, got him, 1-

:16:53.:17:00.

0, cock watching bastard. Can't take his eyes off it. We have been

:17:00.:17:06.

asking people to tweet in. Some people are faxed in. Someone did a

:17:06.:17:09.

pager. And people have been tweeting in with famous people they

:17:09.:17:14.

have seen in mundane places doing Munn Tain things. My favourite is

:17:14.:17:24.
:17:24.:17:25.

steps on Live and Kicking. Well done. -- mundane. Is the bread

:17:25.:17:30.

gone? It didn't deserve that much of a round of applause A few years

:17:30.:17:36.

ago, from stof e Sophie, I saw Peter String fellow buying a

:17:36.:17:41.

casserole dish at a market. Isn't that lovely. That is a lovely one.

:17:41.:17:46.

Some people going what. He doesn't care. He is working on the sound.

:17:46.:17:54.

Seen that mate? No. We will try another one. He is not look. I met

:17:54.:17:59.

big Mo from East Ender in a yellow bikini. That put a few people off.

:18:00.:18:05.

He is laughing at that. The other week I saw Jason Orange just

:18:05.:18:10.

walking past my bus. Everyone hated that one. There we're. We're going

:18:10.:18:15.

to bring on our headline act, are we excited about David O'Doherty?

:18:15.:18:25.
:18:25.:18:33.

Yes so here he comes, the Oh someone's got the party machine!

:18:33.:18:39.

Do you have the time, Sir, do you have the time? It's party time.

:18:39.:18:43.

Stop looking at your watch. I will accept David O'Doherty time. It is

:18:43.:18:48.

going to be like a party in my house. In many ways it won't be

:18:48.:18:53.

like a party in my house, as I will be doing most of the partying, you

:18:53.:18:59.

will just be sitting receiving the party that. Sounds sleazy when you

:18:59.:19:04.

put it like that, considering you paid to receive the party. There's

:19:04.:19:10.

a party starting right now # Party starting right now # Time to get

:19:10.:19:16.

excited # The neighbour on this side have gone away and the

:19:16.:19:25.

neighbours are old and pretty much deaf # Party, party, party! People

:19:25.:19:30.

standing in the kitchen, they're talking about the King's Speech #

:19:30.:19:35.

Pretty good film is the general consensus # There's going to be

:19:35.:19:42.

lots of ladies and men # There is some cheese in the kitchen # There

:19:42.:19:47.

will be streamers flying through the air # Someone will go home

:19:47.:19:54.

wearing someone else's coat. It is going to be fuck mayhem. # Invite

:19:54.:19:58.

your friends, but not friends of friend, # That would be too many

:19:58.:20:03.

and my party needs some ground rules # You don't want a situation

:20:03.:20:09.

like at Rob's party last year # Where a CD went missing # Someone

:20:09.:20:17.

broke a Claire and someone tried to fill his dog with helium # Tried to

:20:17.:20:25.

stim hill on the ceiling # But he didn't float up, # Just became

:20:25.:20:32.

violently ill # Party party party # Somebody's drinking through a straw

:20:32.:20:37.

from a coconut # We're going to party on through to the break of

:20:37.:20:44.

Dan # Or until I come down in my dressing gown and say that's it

:20:45.:20:49.

everyone fuck off # Party over # I'm going to bed # Can you please

:20:49.:20:56.

take your coats off my bed? # Party, party, ore was someone doing it in

:20:56.:21:06.

the coats. It is that sort of party. Thank you. Wow. I am, thank you, I

:21:06.:21:16.
:21:16.:21:16.

am David O'Doherty, I Tam creator of Wangury. It is like November,

:21:16.:21:21.

but instead of growing a moustache, you go the full way and leave your

:21:21.:21:27.

cock and bulls out for all of January. -- balls out for all of

:21:27.:21:32.

January. It is a pleasure to close this show. I would like to finish

:21:32.:21:38.

with a love song # Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if we

:21:38.:21:44.

had never met at hull # But nobody there in the evening # To hold # To

:21:44.:21:54.
:21:54.:21:55.

call # Going to bed feeling lonely # But not knowing lonely for who #

:21:55.:22:05.
:22:05.:22:05.

This I how my life might be without you # Or... # I might be banging,

:22:05.:22:12.

banging in the morning, barning in the night # But please queue up sh

:22:12.:22:18.

I have only got one Wang, but you wait your turn we can have some

:22:18.:22:24.

sweet banging # In the club with my click, I have an idea, let's start

:22:24.:22:31.

banging, let the banging begin, it is not race it just bang. Obviously

:22:31.:22:37.

that an immature view of single life. There is more to it than bang

:22:37.:22:43.

will is also # Humping, after the show when the party pumping # All

:22:43.:22:53.

right ladies the place is small and we have to hump in the hall # It is

:22:53.:22:59.

around around the back # Banging, banging, humping, this is an

:22:59.:23:09.

alternative view of how things might be without all of you! Thank

:23:09.:23:19.
:23:19.:23:29.

you. Lady and gentlemen. Are you coming off or staying on. You have

:23:29.:23:34.

been marvellous. I think you have got to go. It is a live show. He's

:23:34.:23:39.

gone. There is bread. David O'Doherty. Bread. There he goes.

:23:39.:23:43.

There is the bread for you. We have come to the end of the show. It is

:23:43.:23:50.

the end of the show. I will read out everyone's who has been on. Lee

:23:50.:23:58.

Nelson, Joe Wilkinson, Adam Riches, Tom Rosenthal, Roisin Conaty # The

:23:58.:24:04.

Boy With Tape On His Face # Nick Helm, Axis of Awesome, and David

:24:04.:24:09.

O'Doherty. Thank you for coming out tonight to the Edinburgh Festival.

:24:09.:24:16.

And the three at the fringe. And you can buy find more BBC comedy on

:24:16.:24:21.

the BBC comedy web-site and thank you for coming. I have been Charlie

:24:21.:24:29.

Baker and over to you Scott Mills. Thank you very much. Love him.

:24:29.:24:33.

Charlie Baker there. Thank you and thank you for your tweet and

:24:33.:24:41.

messages. And we will have an appearance from the midnight beast

:24:41.:24:50.

on Monday on BBC Three. Good. Hi Frisky. How was that? It was fun.

:24:50.:24:56.

have been here a week, and I... Need vegetables and sleep. How the

:24:56.:25:02.

hell do you do this for a months? We're clean living. It is not cool

:25:02.:25:10.

to say. We don't drink. That is not actually true. I saw you in the bar

:25:10.:25:14.

Shush. I was having physio today. This is brutal. Like comedy at the

:25:14.:25:20.

rough edge. It is so good. The first time it has been on BBC Three

:25:20.:25:26.

live. Russell Kane hi. Hello. was it for you? Good my cold and

:25:26.:25:32.

flu medication held up. I have been breaded. A string of snot went down

:25:32.:25:36.

as I was talking about my sex life. I was advertising that I was single

:25:36.:25:42.

and I snotted. Do you wants some of this lady. Or bread. There is

:25:42.:25:47.

plenty of bread. Can I have some some. We're thinking we should do

:25:47.:25:53.

this every year. This is great. Why aren't we doingy year. We should

:25:53.:25:58.

celebrate the fringe. Comedians used to be geeks, now we're like

:25:58.:26:03.

rock stars. A lot of people think that the festival is a bit too arty

:26:03.:26:10.

farty. This proves that there is something for everyone. Yeah, they

:26:10.:26:17.

proved I'm sweary moron. Are you having a lovely time. It is like a

:26:17.:26:22.

dinosaur wrapped in a space ship w a swords on fire. The Boy With Tape

:26:22.:26:26.

On His Face, are you having a nice On His Face, are you having a nice

:26:26.:26:31.

time? Less my favourite. Listen, thank you for being on the show. I

:26:31.:26:35.

think it was a success. Let's do it again. If you enjoyed tonight's

:26:35.:26:40.

show there a week's worth of performances on the BBC Three web-

:26:40.:26:46.

site. Covered in bread now. And you can tune into BBC Three on Mondays

:26:46.:26:50.

Lee Nelson, Russell Kane and Charlie Baker present an anarchic, late night live show showcasing some of comedy's biggest names and introducing the stars of the Edinburgh Fringe 2011. Expect top names, characters, sketch, stand-up, special guests and an anything-could-happen atmosphere. The show is broadcast live from the BBC's new, purpose-built venue and offers comedy fans at home a fully-integrated online experience.


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