The Comedy Marathon Spectacular Comedy At The Fringe

This programme contains some strong language. Contains adult humour.

Welcome to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2012.

I'm Jameela Jamil, and as all of you comedy fans know,

this is the location for the epic comedy marathon.

An eight-hour comedy onslaught featuring some of the finest

comedians that the Fringe has to offer.

It all took place in the red button.

If you missed it, you should we slightly ashamed of yourself.

But don't worry, because we've packaged it all up neatly into one bite-size chunk.

This is the story of that night,

and I'm not going to lie, it was awesome.

Hello, and welcome to the BBC Three Comedy Marathon, coming to you live from

Potter Row, slap bang in the middle of the world against arts festival.

I'm talking about Edinburgh 2012.

I'm Jameela Jamil, and over the next eight hours,

yes, I did say eight hours, and going to be serving you at some

of the finest comedy that the Fringe Festival has to offer.

This is the BBC's very own venue which, every night,

hosts a myriad of some of the best

and most exclusive acts to offer here, but tonight it belongs to us.

In fact, tonight it belongs to you.

Over there is our main stage,

and over here are our amazing, hungry audience,

waiting with bated breath to laugh themselves silly.

Now, guys, right now you live on the BBC, say hello.

CHEERING

Yes! Edinburgh Festival!

Jesus Christ, is anyone else warm in here?

Is this supposed happen? I don't know what's happening.

LAUGHING

I've got 50p!

You've got 50p?

For the meter?

Ah, I forgot that's how you people pay electricity.

CHEERING

This is what real comedy's like, get off your fucking sofa

and come and watch it, you bastard.

APPLAUSE

Let's do this.

CHEERING

There was a guy waving on the way in,

this is by far the most informal piece of broadcasting

I've ever been involved in.

We've done it.

Give it up for the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Edinburgh Festival!

Woo!

Yes, oh.

Good, so, give a cheer if you have been to the Fringe before.

CHEERING

Excellent stuff, give us a chair if it's your first time.

QUIETER CHEERING

Ha, one guy.

Mate, you look like it's the first time you've ever been out of the house.

"Yea-aaah!

"Sky is blue!"

Magic.

We've got an amazing, amazing night,

this is the maddest comedy night I've ever been part of.

There's nearly 50 acts I think, there's me,

there's going to be a couple of other comperes.

It's going to be good stuff,

you got your drink on the stage already, mate, disrespectful.

Good. It's all right, you can keep it there,

we all built this today so you could use this as a table, mate.

That's exactly what happened.

He put it back as well, fair play.

What's your name, pal?

Mark?

Yeah, he just froze after that, "Mark, it's all you're getting."

What have you been doing today, Mark?

Not much, really.

Mark's bottled it immediately.

What do you do?

I'm employed as of Monday.

You are employed as of Monday? Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

-That's amazing. What did you do before that, were you a student?

-A student.

-What were you studying?

-Geography.

Geography, fantastic. You find your way here, well done.

And what's the job?

It's selling charity challenge holidays.

Selling charity challenge holidays?

Four years at university well spent there, mate.

It's nice to be here though, I'm from South Shields originally. Good.

Literally nothing, fair enough, right, playing hardball, good,

I'm here all night, don't worry.

I live in Manchester now though.

CHEERING

Oh, you cheer that, will you?

One guy just went.

LAUGHING

I, I live in Manchester I get grief from accident in Manchester.

They got nerve.

Sorry, like, but I mean,

have you ever heard somebody who's so Manc it sounds like it hurts?

Awwwww.

It sounds like somebody fingering a sleeping cat.

You should try it at home, just use one though,

use two, it wakes up and goes mental.

Right, what we can to do, we're going to crack on now, please,

give it up for radio ones beatbox champion.

It's the fantastic Petebox!

APPLAUSE

BEATBOXES

CHEERING

BEATBOXES

CHEERING

Petebox, Petebox, everyone!

Thank you.

Brilliant stuff, man. Amazing.

Petebox is going to be sitting on stage, we might to interviews

with people and have a little bit of fun later on. Yeah, man?

Just ignore us, not a problem.

Just ignore us.

Are you ready for your first fantastic act?

Please, go crazy, go well, for the brilliant Marlon Davis.

Hello.

Evening, evening, evening, evening.

You all well?

I'm good myself, man.

There's a lot of mad people in the world, aren't there?

Yes.

Yeah, see, there's one there.

There is, I love mad people, my favourite mad person for a

while had to be the lady that put a cat in a wheelie bin.

Not that I'm a cat hater,

it's just the way how people reacted to the situation.

I wasn't even in the country at the time, I was in Glasgow,

and that counts.

But people were talking about it all over the world,

like American news, Australian news, they were like,

"how dare that lady do that, how dare she do such a thing!"

"Everybody knows cats go in the brown bin, everybody knows!

In the brown bin, and they're knocking on the door, they are, like, lady,

you need to come out, and say sorry to the cat.

She came out like she was a gangster though, I quite like that.

She came out, she was like I don't see what the problem is.

I mean, Top Cat has been living in bins for years.

Why is everyone outside my house? Why is these cameras here?

I think all she had was a moment of an us, but all she had.

She had a moment of madness, we have these things

and had all of the time, but we don't choose to act it out.

Because all of us in this room right now, we're stuck in a realm,

where our conscience dictates what we can

and what we can't do in everyday life.

Right, have you ever been at a gym

and you've seen a fat person walking on a treadmill.

And you think to yourself, run, fatty, run, but you can't say that.

Because that's what we do, we protect people's feelings all of the time.

Have you ever been walking down the street, right,

and have you ever seen an ugly girl pushing a buggy?

And you think yourself, don't you, who did that?

LAUGHING

Even the baby is looking at you like...

LAUGHING

I don't know how I got here.

But I tell you what, it's a bit shameful,

she keeps picking me up from the nursery,

and the kids are like, is that your mum, and I'm like, no, I'm adopted.

LAUGHTER

But I love this, I love this job more than anything, travelling up

and down the country, it's fantastic.

The best place I like going to the most is sleepy towns.

I like going to the sleepy towns

because they appreciate the fact that you come so far to entertain them.

They always mesmerised with the fact that you come from London,

they're like, "you're from London?"

Yeah, they're like, "what's it like living in London?

Must be amazing, living in London, because you've got

people from other nationalities and cultures all in one place.

It must be great, I bet you've never really experienced racism."

I was like, what do you mean by that?

Am I going to experience it now?

Truth is, I don't really experience racism any more.

Not any more, ever since I stopped playing football.

LAUGHTER

No racism whatsoever.

Where a little bit confused, our generation,

if someone is suspiciously being a bit racist, what we do now,

we pull out of friends, video it, push onto YouTube.

YouTube be the deciding factor if someone is actually being racist.

It happened last year with the lady on a tram down in Croydon.

Can you remember this?

For the people who don't understand what happened,

there was an English lady who was on the tram,

and she just freaked out because she had other people from other nationalities on the tram with her.

She was effing and blinding because this isn't the same England that she remembers.

The people on the tram couldn't understand her,

because she was speaking English, right.

LAUGHING

But it went viral, it went all over the world,

and I read about it in a credible source, which was in the Metro, right.

And the lady wrote in, in the comment section,

"This lady has ashamed my race, she has made me ashamed to be white.

"This lady has ashamed my race."

Now, I didn't know one person from your race

makes you feel that way, I didn't know.

Because being black, we've got people that shame us all the time.

Like Ainslie Harriet, right.

APPLAUSE

Some people are clapping, I agree!

Some people are like, "no, I enjoy his couscous, please."

I was in Grimsby, right,

and I said the same thing to do audience in Grimsby once upon a time.

The people were very nice, you could even say sweet, right,

but you know what, they started naming other black people,

right, that I should be ashamed of.

Can you believe that? They were like, "what about Emile Hesky?"

I can't really defend Emile Hesky.

"What about Tim Westwood?"

LAUGHING

What?

APPLAUSE

But what really threw me, there was a guy right at the back, he said,

"what about Leroy?" and it travelled, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy.

I said, who the hell is Leroy?

"You don't know him, but if you did know him, you'd be ashamed."

LAUGHING

Thank you much, I'm Marlon Davis, good night.

APPLAUSE

Marlon Davis.

Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, what a man. Marlon Davis, everyone!

CHEERING

Yes, I did Tim Westwood's radio show once, as a guest on it,

and he was shouting and getting us to tell him jokes.

He was violent and he scared us.

I don't like him.

He said, yes, he had grenades and all kinds going off.

"Ramsay, tell me...bowwww-chhh! A joke."

It was like all kinds, it was like Basra, it was mental, right.

He went, "what would I say if I is a comedian, what would I say,

what would I say?"

And I went, if I was you, I would walk on, and I would say hi,

I'm Tim Westwood and the UK's biggest hip-hop DJ,

but I look like I should be selling TVs in Dixons.

All his cronies laughed, he looked at them and they stopped.

It was amazing.

Can we have another round of applause for Petebox,

who is going to be beat boxing and meeting people off the stage.

Mix it up, bring it higher, bring it higher!

Welcome to the stage, Mr Rhys Darby!

Rhys Darby.

Yes, thank you, good evening, it's good to be here tonight.

You're probably thinking, yes, he must be doing pretty well,

he's got his own T-shirt.

No, it's my brother's, Roger.

He's an electrician.

Woo!

Just wait for that applause to die down.

Ah, it's good to be here.

Over the last couple of years I've met a few people. "Have you?"

Yeah, it's all part and parcel of the performance activities.

I'm a keen handshake when I meet people,

I believe that the classic way to go.

These days, you get a lot of different offerings,

high-fives, hugs, I remember when the first fist came out of me,

I didn't know what to do with that, I just sort of grabbed it.

APPLAUSE

"No, you've got to pump it."

Oh, OK, pump it, there we go.

Oh, bump it? I'd rather just leave it.

It's weird, it's like you're trying to punch me

but you've missed by half a metre. LAUGHING

Do you want me to jump in to that, do you?

Ah!

Why would you do that? I just don't like it.

I think fisting's not right.

LAUGHING

I come in with the handshake just to make sure that's what

we get these days, I come in quite early, sometimes three metres.

I've even gone around corners with the handshake.

I know I'm meeting someone outside a shop, I know they are there,

I've been dropped off over there.

I've come round the corner with it.

Oh, good day, mate.

Now and then I've gone to someone

and realised at the last minute I've realised that's not the person

I'm supposed to meet, and I've veered off, oh, sorry, mate.

I've just got a wayward handshake.

Shit, what am I going to do with that?

People can see it from across the street.

"Oh, no, that guy's got a wayward handshake!"

"Shit, he's got no-one to receive it!"

"Help!"

Help me, someone meet me!

I've just landed on the sidewalk.

I'm OK.

Ah, shit, where's he going?

Ah, he's going to the person we were supposed to meet.

He's not there.

He's not there, mate!

Get on the lift, boooooom.

Back in the pocket.

That's the wrong pocket.

You ever put your hand in the wrong pocket?

Yeah, I know it's the wrong pocket, I'll get away with it.

Ah, I'm into robots,

and jogging.

And chicks with dicks.

I'm joking, I'm joking!

I'm not into jogging.

APPLAUSE

I do like robots, in particular Transformers,

as a kid I used to make them and build them, enjoy them.

Then, of course, the movies came out, I had to see them as an adult.

Thought they were rubbish, the main problem for me is that they just

transform too quickly, in the movies it's just like, "bsssst, boom, boom."

Bullshit, anyone who has ever had a Transformer will tell you it

takes half a day to transform those things, you know?

It's not that easy.

This is what I expected to see in the movies

when the Transformers transformed.

Brrrrom. "Transformed."

Eeh, eeh, eeh, "oh, shit!"

My arm's stuck in the wheel housing, I can't get it round.

Oh, my head won't... Is that right?

No, I'm half a truck!

Shit, they're coming, quick, put me back in the packet.

# More than meets the eye...#

Well, we've all had a good laugh tonight, but I just want to

finish on a little, sort of, emotional piece, if you will.

It's about my grandfather who passed away last year,

he was a great man, he fought in all the wars,

did everything there was to do for a man of his age and time.

I say he's passed away, he's not fully dead, he's in a rest home,

but we don't visit him anymore, so he's dead to us.

I just want to perform to you a song which he passed on to me.

It's about one of the battles he was in, it's called 'Nam.

I hope you enjoy this and get a lot out of it like I have over the years.

PLAYS HARMONICA

BOOM!

EMULATES GUNFIRE

EMULATES BOMBS DROPPING

Ugh! Medic!

PLAYS HARMONICA

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, good night!

Rhys Darby, everyone!

Bloody hell.

The next act coming up to the stage is a good friend of mine,

he's absolutely fantastic, you're going to love him.

Give it up for the brilliant Daniel Sloss.

Seriously building this up so much more, it's going to be shit.

Uh, just tell you a bit about my year.

Got a haircut, yeah, it's not that good, but thanks.

Uh, the reason I got my hair cut was for several reasons, first,

I genuinely thought it would make me look older, that backfired.

The other reason I've had this hair since I was,

like, 15 years old, then Justin Bieber turned up,

and everyone was like, "oh, you look like Justin Bieber."

And I don't want that, cos I'm straight.

Um, so I got it cut to this length,

and it turns out Justin Bieber has also had his hair cut to this length.

So next year, I'm going to fucking kill myself. And...

You're welcome, society!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Make my birthday a national holiday.

Don't. It's September the 11th.

Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet.

Yep, that's my genuine birthday.

That's what I don't like, because that's the standard reaction.

"When your birthday?"

"Oh, it's September 11th." HE GASPS

I didn't do it!

It's not like my uncle came up to me and said,

"What you want for your birthday?"

And I went, "Ooh, I don't know. Surprise me."

LAUGHTER

Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama(!) No!

Sitting there watching the news, going, "Fuuuck!

"A card would have done!"

I moved out this year. I moved out. That's a big step.

It was very weird moving out.

It's always hard on parents when a child moves out. ONE parent.

ONE parent cares. The other one doesn't really give a crap.

And see if you can work out which one of my parents

was more upset when I moved out.

You've got two choices,

despite the fact that I am originally from Fife. You've got...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum,

or my stepdad.

Now, I'll give you another clue.

He's not actually my stepdad.

I just call him that to piss him off.

LAUGHTER

"Call me Dad!" "Shut up, Martin!"

I am a proper mummy's boy. Deep down.

I love my mum. She's amazing.

She's had four kids, and you know that she loves us all the same,

but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.

Because she'll always go on about how she was BLESSED with me,

and she was GIFTED with my sister.

Then she HAD my brother.

And she'll always remember the day

that she was DIAGNOSED with the other one.

LAUGHTER

We were all intentional, though.

Which is good,

because my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.

Which is great, because her sister is actually anti-abortion.

Which is a cruel nickname, but she's had, like, five.

TENTATIVE APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

That was a tester joke.

Some of you passed.

Some of you should've been aborted.

LAUGHTER

I do like my dad. My dad's great.

He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.

I'm not one of these hardcore atheists.

I don't hate religious people. If you are religious, beautiful.

Well done, you. I wish I could have that faith.

I wish I could have that belief system.

But I went to school, so...

But I'm genuinely not against religion.

I've got an uncle who is a minister.

He is 5ft 2, so we call him a mini-ster.

I mean, he hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?

LAUGHTER

No!

Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?

And the thing he does that is quite annoying as he does that thing

a lot of religious people do, in that he quotes the bible at me.

"Daniel, you will know the truth

"and the truth will set you free. John: 19:32"

What?

Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

"If you want know what a man is truly like,

"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

The exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.

Because I think we can all agree fans of Harry Potter

are slightly less annoying than fans of the bible.

Because they've definitely started less wars.

Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.

CHEERING I hate Twilight.

If you've never seen the films,

allow me to quickly summarise all four of them for you.

"Jacob!" "What?" Fffft! Done.

You've got, very quickly, you've got your three main characters.

Jacob, who is a weird werewolf.

You've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire.

If you don't know who Robert Pattinson is,

he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

And then you've finally got Bella Swan.

Bella Swan is the most miserable woman

that's ever existed in fact or fiction.

It's like she's constantly on her period,

which I imagine he fucking loves.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That'll do.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Daniel Sloss!

-BEATBOXING MUSIC

-Daniel Sloss, everyone!

Scotland's own!

Scotland's very own. Wow!

BEATBOXING MUSIC FADES

It's like someone's shut the door, innit?

Great, so the door shut. To the music room, right?

HE MAKES CREAKING DOOR SOUND MUSIC GETS LOUDER

-APPLAUSE

-Keep that fucking racket down, will you?

MUSIC FADES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

MUSIC STOPS CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Petebox, everyone!

Thank you very much.

The next act coming to the stage

is the wonderful Ellie Taylor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hey, Edinburgh! How are we doing?

CHEERING

Ooh! We're very good! So, hello, my name is Ellie,

I am quite tall.

But it's always been a good thing for me, because my blokes

say things like, "Ellie, you are like an Amazonian warrior."

Ooh! Brilliant! Then I had another boyfriend say,

"Ellie, you're like a king-size Mars bar."

And I said, "What, because I offer that little bit extra,

"and only every man can handle me?"

And he said, "No, because you seem like a good idea,

"but I feel sick afterwards."

LAUGHTER

Not as good. Which is a shame,

because I always think I'm the right side of tall.

Like I'm useful, but not freakish.

I'm very good at changing lightbulbs

and getting things off shelves,

but still within the requirements

to have a sham marriage to Tom Cruise.

APPLAUSE

Big Tom Cruise fan over there, clearly!

Being tall as a kid was quite tricky,

because as a grown-up, I've plateaued.

As a child, I was FUCKING EPIC.

I was.

Pictures of me at primary school with my friends

just make me look like a Sylvanian Families enthusiast.

This is my collection.

Oh, I just squashed Jessica! Sorry!

Being tall as a grown-up has its downfalls as well.

It's made me quite discriminate about people who are under 5ft 5.

WOMAN CHEERS

The same Tom Cruise fan! What a surprise!

I don't mean to be discriminate of you, darling.

I just don't see you.

The other day, I walked directly into a short woman wearing a burka,

because my peripheral vision had labelled her out as a bollard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you ever find yourself in that situation,

it does not help things when you say,

"Sorry, I thought you were a bollard."

Not good. So I looked after my little nephew last weekend.

He is two years old, and my sister said before she left me with him,

"Careful, he's got a bit naughty lately.

"Turned into a bit of a monkey." And she was right.

She been gone ten minutes,

he'd nicked the windscreen wiper off my car,

shat on the bonnet, scaled a tree.

You've got to be on them, don't you?

And I find it tricky when I look after him,

because as a woman in her late 20s,

I started thinking, "God, am I ready to become a mother?"

And I'm not sure, right, because on one hand,

I look at the boys in One Direction, and I think,

"Gosh, your parents must be so proud of you.

"I hope you packed enough socks and taken your multivitamins. Ooh!"

And then on the other hand, I want to sit on Harry's face.

LAUGHTER

Which may be suggesting I'm not quite ready to be a mother.

Or sort of ready to hang out with people under the age of 19 alone.

Really. But...anyone here been in a photo?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

One or two, that's handy! Lovely!

I've been doing a photography course recently,

and I've learned quite a lot from it.

I've learned, for instance,

that 98% of women will take photos of any old shit.

We love a photo, don't we?

But it has given rise to some awesome Facebook photo albums.

You know the ones I'm talking about, with the kind of crazy titles.

Things like, "Just another quiet Friday night, winky face emoticon!"

"Ooh! Mental!"

Then will come the photos,

and the equally inane photo captions.

So they're always start with something like,

"Me and my friends at the beginning of the night.

"What gorgeous girls I'm friends with!

"Us ordering the first bottle of wine.

"First of many, because we are such alkies!

"The bottle of wine. My glass.

"Laura's glass. Jenny's glass.

"Us all facing to the left. Ooh!

"Us all facing to the right. Ooh!

"An arty one of just our shoes."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Best night ever!" Oh, my God!

The only thing worse than seeing one of those albums

is when you re-look at the title,

and see that it actually says, "Part one."

Whereas if a bloke does decide for some reason

to take a camera out with him,

he'll take one to two photos before getting bored, leaving him

with a record of the evening that consists of,

"Dave downing a pint. Mike's knob. Done."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And he'll think he's been very thorough.

Guys, you've been wonderful.

Enjoy the rest of your evening. Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ellie Taylor! Yes!

Brilliant!

BEATBOXING MUSIC

HE LAUGHS

I want him instead of a CD player!

Alarm clock, CD player, ring tone.

-I just want him to go, "Hey..."

-HE BEATBOXES

And I'd go, "Yeah, stop spitting on us. That's me phone."

Amazing. I want a party trick. I haven't got a party trick.

Everyone gets drunk and talks shit at a party.

That's all I do.

Are you ready for the next act?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please welcome to the stage

the brilliant character comedy of Adam Riches!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

GONG CLANGS REPEATEDLY

Greetings, gamers! I'm Mastermind.

A mysterious and enigmatic millionaire

who travels the globe,

risking it all for the thrill of the game.

I'm blind.

I'm prone to periods of bizarre self-description,

and I wear a leg bag and catheter,

purely for cosmetic reasons.

This is my beautiful concubine, Sunatra.

I won her in a particularly high stakes game of Skill in 2003.

Who amongst you will accept my challenge,

and face me in a do-or-die game of wit and elan?

And the chance to win my entire fortune,

plus the hand of my beautiful concubine, Sunatra?

LAUGHTER

Sunatra, water, please.

No! Like starlings do!

AUDIENCE GROANS

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Sunatra, groom me, please.

No! Use your beak, like starlings do!

Ahhh....ahhh!

Now, feed me those tiny grubs.

Again, like starlings do.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GROANS

What the hell was that stream?!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But, enough of this!

Let the games commence!

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS LIKE A BIRD

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS

The game itself is simple.

Mastermind, voted game of the year four years running.

Yet never with any particular year specified.

It is a game almost simple in its complexity.

Guess which three coloured pegs I have hidden in my hand.

The arena is set. The atmosphere charged.

All that remains is for Sunatra to find me a combatant... HIM!

LAUGHTER

Sunatra, find me that combatant!

GONG CLANGS

Ah! Yeah! Bring him to me!

APPLAUSE Yes!

Bring him, so I may feel his face.

HE SHRIEKS

I like him! What is your name, traveller?

-AUDIENCE:

-Steve!

LAUGHTER

Tell me a bit about yourself, Steve.

Your hopes and your dreams.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT

What you might spend my money on, should you win,

and whilst you do,

Sunatra will empty my leg bag,

so I may face you fully drained.

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

Speak, Steve! this is your moment!

LAUGHTER

Steve, you would spend my money well, I presume?

You're so coy, Steve!

I like you, Steve!

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Sunatra, where are my manners?!

Offer our guest a drink!

Like starlings do, Steve!

AUDIENCE SQUEALS AND APPLAUDS

With such little provocation, too!

Steve, pass me the pegs.

I will select three coloured pegs from the box,

and keep them hidden in my hand.

Your quest will be to guess the colours of those pegs,

Steve, in the correct order, to crack my code.

So, selection of the pegs.

'Challenger, this is Sunatra.

'Speaking to you through the power of telepathy.

'For too long, I've been held captive in this weirdo's web.

'Watch me throughout the game,

'and I will mime to you the colours of the pegs.

'Win for me, challenger.'

Apologies for that awkward silence, whilst I selected the pegs.

But I'm ready to play now.

Good luck, Steve. Peg number one.

HEART BEATS

-White.

-White!

The colour of white!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Fortunate guess, Steve.

But I think you'll find peg number two harder to crack. Guess again.

Blue.

HE LAUGHS Blue!

Is there such a colour?!

Blue!!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, no, that's not right!

Something's afoot! Stop the heart CD!

Stop it! Sunatra, look at me!

Look at me!

I smell treachery on your tits!

You have betrayed me for the last time! It's the last round.

Steve will guess alone. Face away!

'He's blind,

'so whatever peg he holds up,

'just get the audience to cheer anyway.

'Fuck him!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ah!

So, peg number three.

Good luck, my friend.

Yellow.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

HE LAUGHS

There appears to be a slight loophole there, I feel!

LAUGHTER

Unless that is, of course,

we just have some fans of the colour yellow in here tonight.

CHEERING

In which case, that makes perfect sense.

Sticking with yellow, Steve?

-Sticking with yellow.

-Yellow!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

'Take me to your seat, loverboy!

'So that I may sit on your lap

'until your leg goes dead.

'By the way...

'I'm a man.'

LAUGHTER

Steve has left me.

Who will tend to my leg bag now?

You!

Get up here, now!

You will be my Sunatra now.

CHEERING

Now, put this on.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of our tournament.

I hope you have enjoyed the show.

We will return when you least expect, or indeed, wish,

to risk all for the thrill of the game that is Mastermind.

But for now,

you, pull me off.

LAUGHTER

Like starlings do.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-HE LAUGHS

-Adam Riches, everyone!

Oh, man!

I know it's a night-long marathon, but is it just me,

or was Jameela looking rough as fuck during that?

LAUGHTER

I wasn't even supposed to come back on,

but I thought, "I'm going to come on and say that."

For now, I'm Chris Ramsey, welcome on Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.

Evening, Edinburgh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This is where it starts getting real.

It's coming up to midnight.

This is where we can get slightly dirty.

Slightly... I don't know why I'm looking at you, sir.

I'm a lesbian. Welcome.

LAUGHTER

You look like one of my ex-girlfriends. More feminine.

But welcome, and let me just check where we are all from.

Cheer if you're from Edinburgh. CHEERING

Oh, a guy giving me the thumbs up!

Nice one, mate! You're six? Good.

Cheer if you are from Glasgow.

CHEERING Quite a few of you.

Cheer if you're English. CHEERING AND BOOS

There's three of them!

We've got them penned up there! LAUGHTER

Welsh in?

None!

LAUGHTER

Dear God in heaven! Any Irish? CHEERING

Just a fist!

That's a different thing for lesbians, sir. Watch yourself.

That's a proposal of marriage where I come from.

And is there anyone in from abroad? Anywhere glamorous?

QUIET CHEERS

Oh, you're clapping yourself, sweetie!

Where are you from? Australia?

CHEERING

Oh, you got a round of applause

from the nice lady there. You look quite young.

How young are you, before I do anything inappropriate?

Too young for you!

Too young for me?

LAUGHTER

I will be the judge of that, son, thanks very much indeed.

As long as it's legal, it's fine.

Er...you're 20? See?

I have to moderate my language, ladies and gentlemen.

You'll see me often going like that.

Because I am from Glasgow myself, I'm from Glasgow.

CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed. Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.

It's the accent, the way we can make even a compliment sound threatening.

GRUFFLY: For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby!"

Sounds a wee bit different, eh?

You can't see on this stage, but I'm actually quite a tiny person,

I'm quite tiny. Yes.

Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie?

How tall are you, gorgeous?

-Just under five foot.

-Just under five foot - snap!

I'm 4'11".

Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.

That is where the similarity ends.

I'm aware of that.

I have one talent, being this short, one talent, it is absolutely outstanding.

I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's quite an expensive hobby, but I really enjoy it, to be honest.

I love the Festival, I adore the Festival.

I've had some bad times at the Festival.

2006. 2006, did my first show.

Gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.

My parents were desperately disappointed

because being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian.

Or spinster, as they like to call me.

2006, I did a show, here at the Edinburgh Festival.

I thought it'd be amazing.

£7,500, I'll get on the telly, living the dream, no bother at all.

Did a show. Two people came to see the show.

For the whole month!

AUDIENCE GROAN Two Irish men came, sat in the front row,

punched each other in the crotch for an hour.

It was a happening.

I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh and I was flyer...

"Please come and see my show. Dear God, come and see my show."

Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.

I turned round, I expected to see a rugby player or a Ninja.

It was a 12-year-old boy.

I had two choices, right, I had two choices.

I can let him go, or I could have chased him down the Royal Mile.

And that's what I did.

And as I was running down the Royal Mile, people were shouting,

"Why's wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile?"

And I caught him. And I don't know who was more surprised, me or him,

cos I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.

And again, I had two choices.

I could have let him go with a stern telling-off, or I could have punched him back.

Now, give me a cheer if you'd have punched him back.

CHEERING

And that's what I did.

And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile, I thought,

"This is what the Festival's all about!"

Brought a bit of Glasgow to the situation.

Someone said to me the other day, "You never did that, you never did that."

And I was like, "I did."

You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down, where you just lose it.

Like when you're in Greggs and there's no discernible queuing pattern,

but you all know where you are in the queue

and then someone wanders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?"

And you go, "Not today, not on my watch!"

I almost got caught, actually. The police were called,

but they just thought it was a brother and sister having a tussle.

I'm going to pass you on now to the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Susan Calman, everyone!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We'll have to go fast now. We're running over slightly.

So please keep the clapping going. Build it up for Mr Rob Beckett!

CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

How good was that? A bit arrogant. Are you all right?

CHEERING

Good, I'm Rob. You seem nice, but normally, when I do gigs,

I normally get all heckles and abuse because of my face.

Um...cos I look like a lot of people.

Right? And people shout this at me.

So what I'll do is, I'll run through that now, and then crack on with some actual jokes. Happy with that?

-Yeah!

-Well, it's happening, you might as well get on board.

It'll be a bit awkward otherwise.

I'm Rob Beckett and I look like, but I'm not,

Boris Johnson, Jack Swagger, Jeff Brazier, Biff Tannen.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

James Earl Jones, the Milky Bar Kid...

..Princess Diana, Leslie Ash...

LAUGHTER

..Philip Seymour Hoffman, Myra Hindley, Craig Bellamy,

Eidur Gudjohnsen, Miss Piggy...

..Natasha Bedingfield, a frog...

LAUGHTER

..Kirk Nielson, Johnny Bravo, Buzz, Peggy Mitchell, Ian Bell, Oliver Kahn...

Pat Butcher, Scott Walker, Peter Lorre, Bam Bam,

the Honey Monster, Jill Dando, Billie Piper and a lesbian.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Any others while I'm here?

H from Steps.

H from Steps?

Not too bad. You're being nice. I normally get Clare Balding at this point.

I did a gig the other week and this little old lady was in the crowd.

She came to me at the end and went, "I've got a look-alikey for you."

Thinking it'd be someone from the '50s I wasn't aware of.

She looked at me square in the face and went, "Quasimodo."

So offensive!

If it's a lad my age, "Leave it out, will you?"

But she was so little and old, like my nan, I just had to go, "Oh, thanks, cheers.

"I'll take that on board."

You're a nice crowd. Sometimes you do gigs to horrible people.

Like the other week, before this gig, I needed to go to the toilet.

I decided to use the disabled toilet, just wanted to stretch my legs. It's nice in there, innit?

Loads of room, it's clean, it's like an indoor balcony on holiday.

To be honest with you, the reason I was using this disabled toilet,

it was a big one, needed the grip while I was in there.

We've all been there, don't judge me.

All right? It was barbecue season, meat every week, right?

So I'm in this disabled toilet, doing my business,

this bloke knocks on the door, goes, "Somebody in there?"

I was like, "Yeah, I'm in here, mate."

Then he said the worst thing anyone's ever said to me,

he went, "Well, I hope you're disabled." Right?

I go, "Fair enough, mate, I'm in the wrong, but you can't wish that on anyone."

What an awful thing to say to someone.

It's not as if anyone's waiting,

and even if they were, they'd have a seat anyway. It annoyed me.

Know what else annoys me? Have you seen the word "lisp" written down?

Why stick an S in the middle? You're not helping them.

Have you seen how dyslexia's spelt?

LAUGHTER

I'm not dyslexic and I can't spell it!

How do you think they feel?

I think I should change it, help 'em out.

Get rid of the "dyslexi" part, just call it "a", right?

It'll be a rubbish word at Scrabble, but I doubt they're playing it.

It'd be much easier, wouldn't it?

"What's wrong with you, mate?" "I've got a."

Bit of a nightmare, but easy to spell, they've changed it.

"How d'you spell it then?" "Oh, it's just T...it's A, A."

Quick question - why are you so tall?

Don't know if you saw what I was doing there.

Looking up higher than normal for the...

Cos of the...imaginary up there.

Don't worry about it. Um...

not done me down. My imaginary dyslexic mate's six foot seven.

He thinks he's seven foot six, we don't argue.

Hassle for me, innit?

I've enjoyed this. I like doing comedy.

My girlfriend's not a massive fan though, cos there's a lot of late-night drinking.

She's worried I might cheat on her. I never would. I love her to bits.

I always try and reassure her with a classic Paul Newman quote. I say,

"Look, why would I go and have a burger when I've got steak at home?"

But the problem is, when you're drunk, burgers are well nice.

I'm Rob Beckett, lovely to see you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before I even attempt to begin this show,

I want to say to you Scottish people, "I love your country!"

CHEERING

I don't care whether it sounds like crowd pleasing, I love Scotland.

I love this country.

Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.

I'll take that as a compliment. >

What's that?

I'll take that as a compliment.

You'll take that as a compliment.

It was a compliment, but with a twist, known as the punch line.

LAUGHTER

That's...

HE LAUGHS

Who here...who here's from the furthest away from here?

People putting hands up!

Where are you from?

Australia. >

Australia!

Welcome, my deeply educated friend.

Welcome, Australian.

Yeah?

We like you.

You're nice people, yeah? Simple, but sweet.

We also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?

And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.

It's called a flip-flop.

Right, people?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's not called a thong.

It's an onomatopoeic word, yeah? Flip...flop.

Flip...flop, flip...flop, flip...flop.

It doesn't go thong!

Thong! Thong! Thong!

Thong-da-daon-dong-dong.

No.

We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.

Welcome, Aussie. Do we have anyone else from anywhere else?

INDISTINCT SHOUT

There's a man putting his hand up at the back. I feel like Kilroy-Silk.

Yes, sir.

-Syria.

-Where?

-Syria.

-Syria!

You, a drunken, ginger Scottish man...

..are for some God-knows-what reason,

live on television, claiming...

that you're a Syrian.

Well, why not?

HE LAUGHS

That's full of sunburnt sectarian people too.

APPLAUSE

This is by far the rowdiest thing that anybody's ever tried to record and broadcast.

WOMAN YELPS

And then she ruined it with "Whoo!"

I don't think...it's Ribena jumping in the air.

Whoo!

"I'm quite rowdy. Ha-ha-ha!

"Cos I've had too much lactose through the day."

Mmm.

INDISTINCT COMMENT >

What's that?

Haggis, dude. >

Haggis, dude.

Is that a new superhero?

# Haggis Dude!

# Nobody knows what's inside him

# Only tourists eat him

# It's Haggis Dude! #

WHOOPING

Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.

Mild-mannered Calum McGlinchy.

By day, works in a Vodafone shop...

..by night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite

that failed to make it into sausages.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're looking at Haggis Dude!

What are your superpowers?

Ruining New Years.

Has anybody ever attempted to actually eat haggis?

CHEERING

Look at them! Scottish people, yeah, look at 'em.

He actually raised his pint, eughhh!

Who wouldn't try and eat that...

bladder...

..filled with...

..the anuses of chickens

and the tears of pigs?

No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.

Mmm! That pig died a tragic death.

Beauty. MAN SHOUTS

-What's that, fella?

-It tastes like the rainbow.

It tastes like a rainbow.

LAUGHTER

< That's Skittles!

Yes, my friend over here, who has heckled you -

and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before -

that's what we've descended into, people, hecklers heckling hecklers.

That's right. My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament

has pointed out that that's in fact the Skittles logo, my friend.

LAUGHTER

No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.

Yeah? It just sits in the window until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.

So that's it.

We've got an Australian, a Syrian...

Where are you from in Syria?

Damascus.

He actually pointed to...Damascus!

Over that way.

"I'm from the east side of Damascus. We're largely Hibs fans."

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I've been Andrew Maxwell.

Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We...have...

one...act...left

-CHEERING

-Don't shake your head. You've come this far, brother.

You can't leave now. Stick with it.

You're having another pint, good.

What is it a pint of? Cos it looks like urine.

I wish it was breakfast. >

You wish it was breakfast? Pretend it's breakfast.

You get some cereal in that stuff, man.

Please welcome to the stage

the final act of the Comedy Marathon.

My saints, my army of martyrs and troopers,

one more time, raise the roof for the final act of the Comedy Marathon,

Joey Page!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Edinburgh Festival, you lunatics!

It's still live, it's still going, are you all right?

CHEERING

If you guys are good, I'll rattle through this and we can go home.

If you're not, I'm going to take for ever. Um...

some people are looking at me, thinking, "Who's this indie douche-bag

"who looks like he roams the streets of Camden Town bursting chavs' bulldogs with his winkle-pickers

"whilst fishing through a dustbin for a teapot to drink gin out of ironically,

"at some kind of skin-style party whilst talking to a girl who looks like Anne Boleyn

"in period dress cos she's done so many drugs she's got her own head tucked underneath her arm."

I'm actually nothing like that.

When I'm not on stage, I like nothing better

than to be sat at home in my old Umbro shorts from Year 8 PE,

eating a bowl of mashed potato watching WWF wrestling, so it's all going to be all right.

Um, I do realise that this is an arts festival,

so I've written a play. I'd like to do that for you now.

It's called Pencils, and I hope you enjoy it.

"All right, Tony?"

"All right, Alan?"

"Oh, no, we've got the same jumper on again."

"I told you, I bought a brand-new yellow and black jumper,

"please don't wear the same thing as me."

"Don't have a go at me, I've been at work all day, I just grabbed the first thing I could find.

"I'm well worn down."

Pencils, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, it was my nan's birthday recently and I forgot to buy her

a present. I didn't really forget, I didn't have any money. I used this excuse and got away with it.

So if anyone's got a birthday coming up, you can use this one.

I rung her up and went, "Hello, Nan, you know I work in that shop? This man came in every day for five days.

"And he bought one mango each day for five days, but this man, he had a claw for a hand,

"and he came in, day one, a mango, day two, a mango, day three, day four,

"a mango, a mango. On the fifth day he came, his phone rang and he went,

"'Hello, Dr Chris Law?'

"I thought, 'That evil Dr Claw, how's he planning on taking over the Earth only using five mangoes?

"'How does he plan to destroy society using five fruits?'

"So I followed him out of the shop, back to his house,

"I broke in and hid in a cupboard and watched him like a hawk.

"Like a hawk in a confined space,

"going about his evil, suspicious ways,

"wondering how he used his iPhone without scratching the front with his claw.

"But he didn't know I was on to him.

"He didn't know I realised that each day one of the mangoes was disappearing,

"until on the fifth day, the last one disappeared and I realised that he was just a normal GP

"whose hand got cut off in a scuba-diving accident

"and he was no threat to society, he just liked eating mangoes.

"So I spent five days hidden in his cupboard watching him like a hawk in a confined space.

"I haven't had time to buy you a birthday present, soz."

LAUGHTER

I've been Joey Page. See you again some time. God bless, cheers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Enjoy that?

Yes.

That was it.

Please welcome on stage the fantastic, the beautiful Jameela Jamil!

Yes, good stuff, here she is.

-There are so many of you left here, I can't believe it.

-There's loads.

-5am!

-Yeah, it's all good.

Now, can we all get on our feet, we'll count down, we'll finish this

-and we'll all go...

-Let's do this right.

-Let's do it, everyone get up.

-It's been a big night.

Shall we count down from 10?

Yeah? 10...

9...

8...7...

6...5...

4...3...

2...1...

five hours! Thank you, Edinburgh!

She's been Jameela Jamil. I've been Chris Ramsey.

That's Pete Fox.

Thank you very much, Edinburgh.

Thank you at home. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd