The Comedy Marathon Spectacular Comedy At The Fringe


The Comedy Marathon Spectacular

Chris Ramsey and Jameela Jamil host highlights of an eight-hour comedy marathon, with a tent full of the funniest names in sketch and stand-up at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language. Contains adult humour.

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Welcome to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2012.

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I'm Jameela Jamil, and as all of you comedy fans know,

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this is the location for the epic comedy marathon.

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An eight-hour comedy onslaught featuring some of the finest

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comedians that the Fringe has to offer.

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It all took place in the red button.

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If you missed it, you should we slightly ashamed of yourself.

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But don't worry, because we've packaged it all up neatly into one bite-size chunk.

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This is the story of that night,

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and I'm not going to lie, it was awesome.

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Hello, and welcome to the BBC Three Comedy Marathon, coming to you live from

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Potter Row, slap bang in the middle of the world against arts festival.

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I'm talking about Edinburgh 2012.

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I'm Jameela Jamil, and over the next eight hours,

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yes, I did say eight hours, and going to be serving you at some

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of the finest comedy that the Fringe Festival has to offer.

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This is the BBC's very own venue which, every night,

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hosts a myriad of some of the best

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and most exclusive acts to offer here, but tonight it belongs to us.

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In fact, tonight it belongs to you.

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Over there is our main stage,

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and over here are our amazing, hungry audience,

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waiting with bated breath to laugh themselves silly.

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Now, guys, right now you live on the BBC, say hello.

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CHEERING

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Yes! Edinburgh Festival!

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Jesus Christ, is anyone else warm in here?

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Is this supposed happen? I don't know what's happening.

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LAUGHING

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I've got 50p!

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You've got 50p?

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For the meter?

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Ah, I forgot that's how you people pay electricity.

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CHEERING

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This is what real comedy's like, get off your fucking sofa

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and come and watch it, you bastard.

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APPLAUSE

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Let's do this.

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CHEERING

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There was a guy waving on the way in,

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this is by far the most informal piece of broadcasting

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I've ever been involved in.

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We've done it.

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Give it up for the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, Edinburgh Festival!

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Woo!

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Yes, oh.

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Good, so, give a cheer if you have been to the Fringe before.

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CHEERING

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Excellent stuff, give us a chair if it's your first time.

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QUIETER CHEERING

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Ha, one guy.

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Mate, you look like it's the first time you've ever been out of the house.

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"Yea-aaah!

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"Sky is blue!"

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Magic.

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We've got an amazing, amazing night,

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this is the maddest comedy night I've ever been part of.

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There's nearly 50 acts I think, there's me,

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there's going to be a couple of other comperes.

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It's going to be good stuff,

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you got your drink on the stage already, mate, disrespectful.

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Good. It's all right, you can keep it there,

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we all built this today so you could use this as a table, mate.

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That's exactly what happened.

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He put it back as well, fair play.

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What's your name, pal?

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Mark?

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Yeah, he just froze after that, "Mark, it's all you're getting."

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What have you been doing today, Mark?

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Not much, really.

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Mark's bottled it immediately.

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What do you do?

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I'm employed as of Monday.

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You are employed as of Monday? Congratulations.

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APPLAUSE

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-That's amazing. What did you do before that, were you a student?

-A student.

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-What were you studying?

-Geography.

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Geography, fantastic. You find your way here, well done.

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And what's the job?

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It's selling charity challenge holidays.

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Selling charity challenge holidays?

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Four years at university well spent there, mate.

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It's nice to be here though, I'm from South Shields originally. Good.

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Literally nothing, fair enough, right, playing hardball, good,

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I'm here all night, don't worry.

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I live in Manchester now though.

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CHEERING

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Oh, you cheer that, will you?

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One guy just went.

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LAUGHING

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I, I live in Manchester I get grief from accident in Manchester.

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They got nerve.

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Sorry, like, but I mean,

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have you ever heard somebody who's so Manc it sounds like it hurts?

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Awwwww.

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It sounds like somebody fingering a sleeping cat.

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You should try it at home, just use one though,

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use two, it wakes up and goes mental.

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Right, what we can to do, we're going to crack on now, please,

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give it up for radio ones beatbox champion.

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It's the fantastic Petebox!

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APPLAUSE

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BEATBOXES

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CHEERING

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BEATBOXES

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CHEERING

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Petebox, Petebox, everyone!

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Thank you.

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Brilliant stuff, man. Amazing.

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Petebox is going to be sitting on stage, we might to interviews

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with people and have a little bit of fun later on. Yeah, man?

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Just ignore us, not a problem.

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Just ignore us.

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Are you ready for your first fantastic act?

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Please, go crazy, go well, for the brilliant Marlon Davis.

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Hello.

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Evening, evening, evening, evening.

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You all well?

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I'm good myself, man.

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There's a lot of mad people in the world, aren't there?

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Yes.

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Yeah, see, there's one there.

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There is, I love mad people, my favourite mad person for a

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while had to be the lady that put a cat in a wheelie bin.

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Not that I'm a cat hater,

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it's just the way how people reacted to the situation.

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I wasn't even in the country at the time, I was in Glasgow,

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and that counts.

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But people were talking about it all over the world,

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like American news, Australian news, they were like,

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"how dare that lady do that, how dare she do such a thing!"

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"Everybody knows cats go in the brown bin, everybody knows!

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In the brown bin, and they're knocking on the door, they are, like, lady,

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you need to come out, and say sorry to the cat.

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She came out like she was a gangster though, I quite like that.

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She came out, she was like I don't see what the problem is.

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I mean, Top Cat has been living in bins for years.

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Why is everyone outside my house? Why is these cameras here?

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I think all she had was a moment of an us, but all she had.

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She had a moment of madness, we have these things

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and had all of the time, but we don't choose to act it out.

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Because all of us in this room right now, we're stuck in a realm,

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where our conscience dictates what we can

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and what we can't do in everyday life.

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Right, have you ever been at a gym

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and you've seen a fat person walking on a treadmill.

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And you think to yourself, run, fatty, run, but you can't say that.

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Because that's what we do, we protect people's feelings all of the time.

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Have you ever been walking down the street, right,

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and have you ever seen an ugly girl pushing a buggy?

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And you think yourself, don't you, who did that?

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LAUGHING

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Even the baby is looking at you like...

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LAUGHING

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I don't know how I got here.

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But I tell you what, it's a bit shameful,

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she keeps picking me up from the nursery,

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and the kids are like, is that your mum, and I'm like, no, I'm adopted.

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LAUGHTER

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But I love this, I love this job more than anything, travelling up

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and down the country, it's fantastic.

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The best place I like going to the most is sleepy towns.

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I like going to the sleepy towns

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because they appreciate the fact that you come so far to entertain them.

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They always mesmerised with the fact that you come from London,

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they're like, "you're from London?"

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Yeah, they're like, "what's it like living in London?

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Must be amazing, living in London, because you've got

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people from other nationalities and cultures all in one place.

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It must be great, I bet you've never really experienced racism."

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I was like, what do you mean by that?

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Am I going to experience it now?

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Truth is, I don't really experience racism any more.

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Not any more, ever since I stopped playing football.

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LAUGHTER

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No racism whatsoever.

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Where a little bit confused, our generation,

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if someone is suspiciously being a bit racist, what we do now,

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we pull out of friends, video it, push onto YouTube.

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YouTube be the deciding factor if someone is actually being racist.

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It happened last year with the lady on a tram down in Croydon.

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Can you remember this?

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For the people who don't understand what happened,

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there was an English lady who was on the tram,

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and she just freaked out because she had other people from other nationalities on the tram with her.

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She was effing and blinding because this isn't the same England that she remembers.

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The people on the tram couldn't understand her,

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because she was speaking English, right.

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LAUGHING

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But it went viral, it went all over the world,

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and I read about it in a credible source, which was in the Metro, right.

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And the lady wrote in, in the comment section,

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"This lady has ashamed my race, she has made me ashamed to be white.

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"This lady has ashamed my race."

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Now, I didn't know one person from your race

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makes you feel that way, I didn't know.

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Because being black, we've got people that shame us all the time.

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Like Ainslie Harriet, right.

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APPLAUSE

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Some people are clapping, I agree!

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Some people are like, "no, I enjoy his couscous, please."

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I was in Grimsby, right,

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and I said the same thing to do audience in Grimsby once upon a time.

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The people were very nice, you could even say sweet, right,

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but you know what, they started naming other black people,

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right, that I should be ashamed of.

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Can you believe that? They were like, "what about Emile Hesky?"

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I can't really defend Emile Hesky.

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"What about Tim Westwood?"

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LAUGHING

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What?

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APPLAUSE

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But what really threw me, there was a guy right at the back, he said,

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"what about Leroy?" and it travelled, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy.

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I said, who the hell is Leroy?

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"You don't know him, but if you did know him, you'd be ashamed."

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LAUGHING

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Thank you much, I'm Marlon Davis, good night.

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APPLAUSE

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Marlon Davis.

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Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, what a man. Marlon Davis, everyone!

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CHEERING

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Yes, I did Tim Westwood's radio show once, as a guest on it,

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and he was shouting and getting us to tell him jokes.

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He was violent and he scared us.

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I don't like him.

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He said, yes, he had grenades and all kinds going off.

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"Ramsay, tell me...bowwww-chhh! A joke."

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It was like all kinds, it was like Basra, it was mental, right.

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He went, "what would I say if I is a comedian, what would I say,

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what would I say?"

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And I went, if I was you, I would walk on, and I would say hi,

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I'm Tim Westwood and the UK's biggest hip-hop DJ,

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but I look like I should be selling TVs in Dixons.

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All his cronies laughed, he looked at them and they stopped.

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It was amazing.

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Can we have another round of applause for Petebox,

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who is going to be beat boxing and meeting people off the stage.

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Mix it up, bring it higher, bring it higher!

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Welcome to the stage, Mr Rhys Darby!

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Rhys Darby.

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Yes, thank you, good evening, it's good to be here tonight.

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You're probably thinking, yes, he must be doing pretty well,

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he's got his own T-shirt.

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No, it's my brother's, Roger.

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He's an electrician.

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Woo!

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Just wait for that applause to die down.

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Ah, it's good to be here.

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Over the last couple of years I've met a few people. "Have you?"

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Yeah, it's all part and parcel of the performance activities.

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I'm a keen handshake when I meet people,

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I believe that the classic way to go.

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These days, you get a lot of different offerings,

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high-fives, hugs, I remember when the first fist came out of me,

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I didn't know what to do with that, I just sort of grabbed it.

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APPLAUSE

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"No, you've got to pump it."

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Oh, OK, pump it, there we go.

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Oh, bump it? I'd rather just leave it.

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It's weird, it's like you're trying to punch me

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but you've missed by half a metre. LAUGHING

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Do you want me to jump in to that, do you?

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Ah!

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Why would you do that? I just don't like it.

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I think fisting's not right.

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LAUGHING

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I come in with the handshake just to make sure that's what

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we get these days, I come in quite early, sometimes three metres.

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I've even gone around corners with the handshake.

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I know I'm meeting someone outside a shop, I know they are there,

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I've been dropped off over there.

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I've come round the corner with it.

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Oh, good day, mate.

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Now and then I've gone to someone

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and realised at the last minute I've realised that's not the person

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I'm supposed to meet, and I've veered off, oh, sorry, mate.

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I've just got a wayward handshake.

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Shit, what am I going to do with that?

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People can see it from across the street.

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"Oh, no, that guy's got a wayward handshake!"

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"Shit, he's got no-one to receive it!"

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"Help!"

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Help me, someone meet me!

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I've just landed on the sidewalk.

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I'm OK.

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Ah, shit, where's he going?

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Ah, he's going to the person we were supposed to meet.

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He's not there.

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He's not there, mate!

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Get on the lift, boooooom.

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Back in the pocket.

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That's the wrong pocket.

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You ever put your hand in the wrong pocket?

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Yeah, I know it's the wrong pocket, I'll get away with it.

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Ah, I'm into robots,

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and jogging.

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And chicks with dicks.

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I'm joking, I'm joking!

0:16:020:16:05

I'm not into jogging.

0:16:050:16:07

APPLAUSE

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I do like robots, in particular Transformers,

0:16:090:16:13

as a kid I used to make them and build them, enjoy them.

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Then, of course, the movies came out, I had to see them as an adult.

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Thought they were rubbish, the main problem for me is that they just

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transform too quickly, in the movies it's just like, "bsssst, boom, boom."

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Bullshit, anyone who has ever had a Transformer will tell you it

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takes half a day to transform those things, you know?

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It's not that easy.

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This is what I expected to see in the movies

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when the Transformers transformed.

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Brrrrom. "Transformed."

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Eeh, eeh, eeh, "oh, shit!"

0:16:420:16:45

My arm's stuck in the wheel housing, I can't get it round.

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Oh, my head won't... Is that right?

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No, I'm half a truck!

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Shit, they're coming, quick, put me back in the packet.

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# More than meets the eye...#

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Well, we've all had a good laugh tonight, but I just want to

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finish on a little, sort of, emotional piece, if you will.

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It's about my grandfather who passed away last year,

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he was a great man, he fought in all the wars,

0:17:150:17:18

did everything there was to do for a man of his age and time.

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I say he's passed away, he's not fully dead, he's in a rest home,

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but we don't visit him anymore, so he's dead to us.

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I just want to perform to you a song which he passed on to me.

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It's about one of the battles he was in, it's called 'Nam.

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I hope you enjoy this and get a lot out of it like I have over the years.

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PLAYS HARMONICA

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BOOM!

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EMULATES GUNFIRE

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EMULATES BOMBS DROPPING

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Ugh! Medic!

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PLAYS HARMONICA

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much, good night!

0:18:190:18:22

Rhys Darby, everyone!

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Bloody hell.

0:18:250:18:28

The next act coming up to the stage is a good friend of mine,

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he's absolutely fantastic, you're going to love him.

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Give it up for the brilliant Daniel Sloss.

0:18:330:18:35

Seriously building this up so much more, it's going to be shit.

0:18:460:18:51

Uh, just tell you a bit about my year.

0:18:510:18:53

Got a haircut, yeah, it's not that good, but thanks.

0:18:530:18:57

Uh, the reason I got my hair cut was for several reasons, first,

0:18:570:19:00

I genuinely thought it would make me look older, that backfired.

0:19:000:19:03

The other reason I've had this hair since I was,

0:19:030:19:06

like, 15 years old, then Justin Bieber turned up,

0:19:060:19:09

and everyone was like, "oh, you look like Justin Bieber."

0:19:090:19:12

And I don't want that, cos I'm straight.

0:19:120:19:14

Um, so I got it cut to this length,

0:19:150:19:17

and it turns out Justin Bieber has also had his hair cut to this length.

0:19:170:19:21

So next year, I'm going to fucking kill myself. And...

0:19:210:19:26

You're welcome, society!

0:19:280:19:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:290:19:33

Make my birthday a national holiday.

0:19:330:19:36

Don't. It's September the 11th.

0:19:360:19:38

Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet.

0:19:400:19:44

Yep, that's my genuine birthday.

0:19:440:19:45

That's what I don't like, because that's the standard reaction.

0:19:450:19:48

"When your birthday?"

0:19:480:19:49

"Oh, it's September 11th." HE GASPS

0:19:490:19:51

I didn't do it!

0:19:530:19:54

It's not like my uncle came up to me and said,

0:19:560:19:58

"What you want for your birthday?"

0:19:580:20:00

And I went, "Ooh, I don't know. Surprise me."

0:20:000:20:02

LAUGHTER

0:20:020:20:04

Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama(!) No!

0:20:040:20:08

Sitting there watching the news, going, "Fuuuck!

0:20:100:20:14

"A card would have done!"

0:20:140:20:16

I moved out this year. I moved out. That's a big step.

0:20:200:20:23

It was very weird moving out.

0:20:230:20:25

It's always hard on parents when a child moves out. ONE parent.

0:20:250:20:28

ONE parent cares. The other one doesn't really give a crap.

0:20:280:20:31

And see if you can work out which one of my parents

0:20:310:20:33

was more upset when I moved out.

0:20:330:20:35

You've got two choices,

0:20:350:20:36

despite the fact that I am originally from Fife. You've got...

0:20:360:20:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:390:20:42

You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum,

0:20:420:20:47

or my stepdad.

0:20:470:20:48

Now, I'll give you another clue.

0:20:480:20:50

He's not actually my stepdad.

0:20:500:20:52

I just call him that to piss him off.

0:20:520:20:54

LAUGHTER

0:20:540:20:56

"Call me Dad!" "Shut up, Martin!"

0:20:580:21:00

I am a proper mummy's boy. Deep down.

0:21:020:21:05

I love my mum. She's amazing.

0:21:050:21:07

She's had four kids, and you know that she loves us all the same,

0:21:070:21:10

but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.

0:21:100:21:13

Because she'll always go on about how she was BLESSED with me,

0:21:130:21:16

and she was GIFTED with my sister.

0:21:160:21:18

Then she HAD my brother.

0:21:180:21:20

And she'll always remember the day

0:21:200:21:21

that she was DIAGNOSED with the other one.

0:21:210:21:23

LAUGHTER

0:21:230:21:25

We were all intentional, though.

0:21:250:21:27

Which is good,

0:21:270:21:29

because my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.

0:21:290:21:32

Which is great, because her sister is actually anti-abortion.

0:21:320:21:36

Which is a cruel nickname, but she's had, like, five.

0:21:360:21:38

TENTATIVE APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:21:380:21:42

That was a tester joke.

0:21:450:21:47

Some of you passed.

0:21:470:21:49

Some of you should've been aborted.

0:21:490:21:51

LAUGHTER

0:21:510:21:55

I do like my dad. My dad's great.

0:21:550:21:56

He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.

0:21:560:21:59

I'm not one of these hardcore atheists.

0:21:590:22:00

I don't hate religious people. If you are religious, beautiful.

0:22:000:22:03

Well done, you. I wish I could have that faith.

0:22:030:22:05

I wish I could have that belief system.

0:22:050:22:08

But I went to school, so...

0:22:080:22:09

But I'm genuinely not against religion.

0:22:110:22:13

I've got an uncle who is a minister.

0:22:130:22:15

He is 5ft 2, so we call him a mini-ster.

0:22:150:22:17

I mean, he hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?

0:22:190:22:22

LAUGHTER

0:22:220:22:24

No!

0:22:240:22:25

Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?

0:22:270:22:29

And the thing he does that is quite annoying as he does that thing

0:22:310:22:34

a lot of religious people do, in that he quotes the bible at me.

0:22:340:22:38

"Daniel, you will know the truth

0:22:380:22:40

"and the truth will set you free. John: 19:32"

0:22:400:22:43

What?

0:22:430:22:46

Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

0:22:460:22:48

"If you want know what a man is truly like,

0:22:480:22:50

"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals."

0:22:500:22:53

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

0:22:530:22:55

The exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.

0:22:550:22:57

Because I think we can all agree fans of Harry Potter

0:22:570:23:00

are slightly less annoying than fans of the bible.

0:23:000:23:02

Because they've definitely started less wars.

0:23:040:23:06

Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.

0:23:060:23:08

CHEERING I hate Twilight.

0:23:080:23:11

If you've never seen the films,

0:23:110:23:12

allow me to quickly summarise all four of them for you.

0:23:120:23:15

"Jacob!" "What?" Fffft! Done.

0:23:150:23:18

You've got, very quickly, you've got your three main characters.

0:23:190:23:22

Jacob, who is a weird werewolf.

0:23:220:23:23

You've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire.

0:23:230:23:26

If you don't know who Robert Pattinson is,

0:23:260:23:28

he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

0:23:280:23:32

And then you've finally got Bella Swan.

0:23:330:23:36

Bella Swan is the most miserable woman

0:23:360:23:38

that's ever existed in fact or fiction.

0:23:380:23:40

It's like she's constantly on her period,

0:23:400:23:42

which I imagine he fucking loves.

0:23:420:23:44

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:440:23:46

That'll do.

0:23:490:23:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:510:23:54

Daniel Sloss!

0:23:540:23:56

-BEATBOXING MUSIC

-Daniel Sloss, everyone!

0:23:560:23:59

Scotland's own!

0:23:590:24:01

Scotland's very own. Wow!

0:24:010:24:04

BEATBOXING MUSIC FADES

0:24:040:24:06

It's like someone's shut the door, innit?

0:24:060:24:09

Great, so the door shut. To the music room, right?

0:24:090:24:12

HE MAKES CREAKING DOOR SOUND MUSIC GETS LOUDER

0:24:120:24:15

-APPLAUSE

-Keep that fucking racket down, will you?

0:24:150:24:18

MUSIC FADES

0:24:180:24:20

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:200:24:22

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

0:24:220:24:26

MUSIC STOPS CHEERS AND WHISTLES

0:24:260:24:28

Petebox, everyone!

0:24:280:24:30

Thank you very much.

0:24:300:24:33

The next act coming to the stage

0:24:330:24:35

is the wonderful Ellie Taylor!

0:24:350:24:38

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:24:380:24:41

Hey, Edinburgh! How are we doing?

0:24:430:24:45

CHEERING

0:24:450:24:47

Ooh! We're very good! So, hello, my name is Ellie,

0:24:470:24:49

I am quite tall.

0:24:490:24:51

But it's always been a good thing for me, because my blokes

0:24:510:24:53

say things like, "Ellie, you are like an Amazonian warrior."

0:24:530:24:56

Ooh! Brilliant! Then I had another boyfriend say,

0:24:560:24:59

"Ellie, you're like a king-size Mars bar."

0:24:590:25:02

And I said, "What, because I offer that little bit extra,

0:25:020:25:04

"and only every man can handle me?"

0:25:040:25:06

And he said, "No, because you seem like a good idea,

0:25:060:25:08

"but I feel sick afterwards."

0:25:080:25:09

LAUGHTER

0:25:090:25:11

Not as good. Which is a shame,

0:25:110:25:12

because I always think I'm the right side of tall.

0:25:120:25:15

Like I'm useful, but not freakish.

0:25:150:25:17

I'm very good at changing lightbulbs

0:25:170:25:19

and getting things off shelves,

0:25:190:25:20

but still within the requirements

0:25:200:25:22

to have a sham marriage to Tom Cruise.

0:25:220:25:23

APPLAUSE

0:25:230:25:25

Big Tom Cruise fan over there, clearly!

0:25:250:25:27

Being tall as a kid was quite tricky,

0:25:270:25:29

because as a grown-up, I've plateaued.

0:25:290:25:31

As a child, I was FUCKING EPIC.

0:25:310:25:33

I was.

0:25:330:25:34

Pictures of me at primary school with my friends

0:25:340:25:37

just make me look like a Sylvanian Families enthusiast.

0:25:370:25:40

This is my collection.

0:25:400:25:42

Oh, I just squashed Jessica! Sorry!

0:25:420:25:45

Being tall as a grown-up has its downfalls as well.

0:25:450:25:47

It's made me quite discriminate about people who are under 5ft 5.

0:25:470:25:50

WOMAN CHEERS

0:25:500:25:52

The same Tom Cruise fan! What a surprise!

0:25:520:25:54

I don't mean to be discriminate of you, darling.

0:25:540:25:57

I just don't see you.

0:25:570:25:59

The other day, I walked directly into a short woman wearing a burka,

0:25:590:26:02

because my peripheral vision had labelled her out as a bollard.

0:26:020:26:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:060:26:09

If you ever find yourself in that situation,

0:26:090:26:12

it does not help things when you say,

0:26:120:26:14

"Sorry, I thought you were a bollard."

0:26:140:26:16

Not good. So I looked after my little nephew last weekend.

0:26:160:26:19

He is two years old, and my sister said before she left me with him,

0:26:190:26:22

"Careful, he's got a bit naughty lately.

0:26:220:26:24

"Turned into a bit of a monkey." And she was right.

0:26:240:26:26

She been gone ten minutes,

0:26:260:26:27

he'd nicked the windscreen wiper off my car,

0:26:270:26:29

shat on the bonnet, scaled a tree.

0:26:290:26:31

You've got to be on them, don't you?

0:26:310:26:32

And I find it tricky when I look after him,

0:26:320:26:35

because as a woman in her late 20s,

0:26:350:26:36

I started thinking, "God, am I ready to become a mother?"

0:26:360:26:40

And I'm not sure, right, because on one hand,

0:26:400:26:42

I look at the boys in One Direction, and I think,

0:26:420:26:45

"Gosh, your parents must be so proud of you.

0:26:450:26:47

"I hope you packed enough socks and taken your multivitamins. Ooh!"

0:26:470:26:51

And then on the other hand, I want to sit on Harry's face.

0:26:510:26:54

LAUGHTER

0:26:540:26:58

Which may be suggesting I'm not quite ready to be a mother.

0:27:000:27:04

Or sort of ready to hang out with people under the age of 19 alone.

0:27:040:27:07

Really. But...anyone here been in a photo?

0:27:070:27:11

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:27:110:27:12

One or two, that's handy! Lovely!

0:27:120:27:14

I've been doing a photography course recently,

0:27:140:27:17

and I've learned quite a lot from it.

0:27:170:27:18

I've learned, for instance,

0:27:180:27:20

that 98% of women will take photos of any old shit.

0:27:200:27:22

We love a photo, don't we?

0:27:220:27:24

But it has given rise to some awesome Facebook photo albums.

0:27:240:27:27

You know the ones I'm talking about, with the kind of crazy titles.

0:27:270:27:30

Things like, "Just another quiet Friday night, winky face emoticon!"

0:27:300:27:34

"Ooh! Mental!"

0:27:340:27:36

Then will come the photos,

0:27:360:27:38

and the equally inane photo captions.

0:27:380:27:40

So they're always start with something like,

0:27:400:27:42

"Me and my friends at the beginning of the night.

0:27:420:27:44

"What gorgeous girls I'm friends with!

0:27:440:27:46

"Us ordering the first bottle of wine.

0:27:460:27:48

"First of many, because we are such alkies!

0:27:480:27:51

"The bottle of wine. My glass.

0:27:510:27:54

"Laura's glass. Jenny's glass.

0:27:540:27:56

"Us all facing to the left. Ooh!

0:27:560:27:59

"Us all facing to the right. Ooh!

0:27:590:28:01

"An arty one of just our shoes."

0:28:010:28:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:07

"Best night ever!" Oh, my God!

0:28:090:28:12

The only thing worse than seeing one of those albums

0:28:120:28:15

is when you re-look at the title,

0:28:150:28:17

and see that it actually says, "Part one."

0:28:170:28:20

Whereas if a bloke does decide for some reason

0:28:220:28:24

to take a camera out with him,

0:28:240:28:25

he'll take one to two photos before getting bored, leaving him

0:28:250:28:29

with a record of the evening that consists of,

0:28:290:28:32

"Dave downing a pint. Mike's knob. Done."

0:28:320:28:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:340:28:37

And he'll think he's been very thorough.

0:28:370:28:39

Guys, you've been wonderful.

0:28:390:28:41

Enjoy the rest of your evening. Good night!

0:28:410:28:43

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:430:28:45

Ellie Taylor! Yes!

0:28:460:28:49

Brilliant!

0:28:510:28:52

BEATBOXING MUSIC

0:28:520:28:54

HE LAUGHS

0:28:560:28:58

I want him instead of a CD player!

0:28:580:29:00

Alarm clock, CD player, ring tone.

0:29:000:29:02

-I just want him to go, "Hey..."

-HE BEATBOXES

0:29:020:29:05

And I'd go, "Yeah, stop spitting on us. That's me phone."

0:29:050:29:08

Amazing. I want a party trick. I haven't got a party trick.

0:29:080:29:11

Everyone gets drunk and talks shit at a party.

0:29:110:29:14

That's all I do.

0:29:140:29:15

Are you ready for the next act?

0:29:150:29:16

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:160:29:20

Please welcome to the stage

0:29:200:29:21

the brilliant character comedy of Adam Riches!

0:29:210:29:24

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:240:29:27

GONG CLANGS REPEATEDLY

0:29:270:29:31

Greetings, gamers! I'm Mastermind.

0:29:350:29:39

A mysterious and enigmatic millionaire

0:29:390:29:42

who travels the globe,

0:29:420:29:43

risking it all for the thrill of the game.

0:29:430:29:46

I'm blind.

0:29:460:29:47

I'm prone to periods of bizarre self-description,

0:29:470:29:50

and I wear a leg bag and catheter,

0:29:500:29:51

purely for cosmetic reasons.

0:29:510:29:54

This is my beautiful concubine, Sunatra.

0:29:560:29:58

I won her in a particularly high stakes game of Skill in 2003.

0:30:000:30:05

Who amongst you will accept my challenge,

0:30:050:30:08

and face me in a do-or-die game of wit and elan?

0:30:080:30:12

And the chance to win my entire fortune,

0:30:120:30:15

plus the hand of my beautiful concubine, Sunatra?

0:30:150:30:18

LAUGHTER

0:30:180:30:20

Sunatra, water, please.

0:30:200:30:22

No! Like starlings do!

0:30:290:30:31

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:30:340:30:37

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

0:30:390:30:41

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:30:450:30:48

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:30:520:30:57

Sunatra, groom me, please.

0:30:570:30:59

No! Use your beak, like starlings do!

0:31:030:31:07

Ahhh....ahhh!

0:31:100:31:13

Now, feed me those tiny grubs.

0:31:130:31:15

Again, like starlings do.

0:31:150:31:17

LAUGHTER

0:31:210:31:24

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:31:240:31:27

What the hell was that stream?!

0:31:320:31:34

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:31:340:31:37

But, enough of this!

0:31:380:31:41

Let the games commence!

0:31:410:31:44

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS LIKE A BIRD

0:31:440:31:46

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS

0:31:460:31:50

GONG CLANGS HE CROWS

0:31:500:31:53

The game itself is simple.

0:31:530:31:55

Mastermind, voted game of the year four years running.

0:31:550:32:00

Yet never with any particular year specified.

0:32:000:32:04

It is a game almost simple in its complexity.

0:32:040:32:06

Guess which three coloured pegs I have hidden in my hand.

0:32:060:32:10

The arena is set. The atmosphere charged.

0:32:100:32:14

All that remains is for Sunatra to find me a combatant... HIM!

0:32:140:32:17

LAUGHTER

0:32:170:32:20

Sunatra, find me that combatant!

0:32:200:32:22

GONG CLANGS

0:32:220:32:24

Ah! Yeah! Bring him to me!

0:32:240:32:27

APPLAUSE Yes!

0:32:270:32:28

Bring him, so I may feel his face.

0:32:300:32:33

HE SHRIEKS

0:32:330:32:36

I like him! What is your name, traveller?

0:32:360:32:39

-AUDIENCE:

-Steve!

0:32:390:32:42

LAUGHTER

0:32:420:32:45

Tell me a bit about yourself, Steve.

0:32:480:32:50

Your hopes and your dreams.

0:32:500:32:52

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT

0:32:520:32:54

What you might spend my money on, should you win,

0:32:540:32:57

and whilst you do,

0:32:570:32:58

Sunatra will empty my leg bag,

0:32:580:33:00

so I may face you fully drained.

0:33:000:33:03

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

0:33:030:33:07

Speak, Steve! this is your moment!

0:33:070:33:10

LAUGHTER

0:33:100:33:13

Steve, you would spend my money well, I presume?

0:33:130:33:17

You're so coy, Steve!

0:33:170:33:20

I like you, Steve!

0:33:210:33:23

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

0:33:230:33:25

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:33:260:33:29

LAUGHTER

0:33:290:33:31

Sunatra, where are my manners?!

0:33:330:33:36

Offer our guest a drink!

0:33:360:33:38

Like starlings do, Steve!

0:33:390:33:42

AUDIENCE SQUEALS AND APPLAUDS

0:33:420:33:45

With such little provocation, too!

0:33:540:33:56

Steve, pass me the pegs.

0:33:560:34:00

I will select three coloured pegs from the box,

0:34:000:34:02

and keep them hidden in my hand.

0:34:020:34:05

Your quest will be to guess the colours of those pegs,

0:34:050:34:07

Steve, in the correct order, to crack my code.

0:34:070:34:10

So, selection of the pegs.

0:34:100:34:12

'Challenger, this is Sunatra.

0:34:160:34:18

'Speaking to you through the power of telepathy.

0:34:180:34:22

'For too long, I've been held captive in this weirdo's web.

0:34:220:34:26

'Watch me throughout the game,

0:34:260:34:29

'and I will mime to you the colours of the pegs.

0:34:290:34:31

'Win for me, challenger.'

0:34:310:34:33

Apologies for that awkward silence, whilst I selected the pegs.

0:34:330:34:37

But I'm ready to play now.

0:34:380:34:40

Good luck, Steve. Peg number one.

0:34:400:34:42

HEART BEATS

0:34:430:34:47

-White.

-White!

0:34:470:34:49

The colour of white!

0:34:490:34:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:34:510:34:55

Fortunate guess, Steve.

0:34:550:34:57

But I think you'll find peg number two harder to crack. Guess again.

0:34:570:35:00

Blue.

0:35:020:35:03

HE LAUGHS Blue!

0:35:030:35:05

Is there such a colour?!

0:35:050:35:07

Blue!!

0:35:070:35:08

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:35:080:35:11

Now, no, that's not right!

0:35:110:35:13

Something's afoot! Stop the heart CD!

0:35:130:35:15

Stop it! Sunatra, look at me!

0:35:150:35:18

Look at me!

0:35:180:35:19

I smell treachery on your tits!

0:35:190:35:21

You have betrayed me for the last time! It's the last round.

0:35:230:35:26

Steve will guess alone. Face away!

0:35:260:35:29

'He's blind,

0:35:310:35:33

'so whatever peg he holds up,

0:35:330:35:35

'just get the audience to cheer anyway.

0:35:350:35:37

'Fuck him!'

0:35:370:35:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:390:35:41

Ah!

0:35:420:35:44

So, peg number three.

0:35:440:35:45

Good luck, my friend.

0:35:450:35:47

Yellow.

0:35:500:35:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:35:510:35:55

HE LAUGHS

0:35:550:35:56

There appears to be a slight loophole there, I feel!

0:35:580:36:00

LAUGHTER

0:36:000:36:03

Unless that is, of course,

0:36:030:36:04

we just have some fans of the colour yellow in here tonight.

0:36:040:36:07

CHEERING

0:36:070:36:09

In which case, that makes perfect sense.

0:36:090:36:11

Sticking with yellow, Steve?

0:36:110:36:13

-Sticking with yellow.

-Yellow!

0:36:130:36:16

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:36:160:36:19

'Take me to your seat, loverboy!

0:36:190:36:21

'So that I may sit on your lap

0:36:210:36:23

'until your leg goes dead.

0:36:230:36:26

'By the way...

0:36:260:36:28

'I'm a man.'

0:36:280:36:29

LAUGHTER

0:36:290:36:32

Steve has left me.

0:36:320:36:35

Who will tend to my leg bag now?

0:36:350:36:37

You!

0:36:370:36:39

Get up here, now!

0:36:390:36:42

You will be my Sunatra now.

0:36:420:36:44

CHEERING

0:36:470:36:49

Now, put this on.

0:36:490:36:50

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of our tournament.

0:36:500:36:54

I hope you have enjoyed the show.

0:36:540:36:55

We will return when you least expect, or indeed, wish,

0:36:550:36:58

to risk all for the thrill of the game that is Mastermind.

0:36:580:37:02

But for now,

0:37:020:37:03

you, pull me off.

0:37:030:37:06

LAUGHTER

0:37:060:37:07

Like starlings do.

0:37:070:37:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:37:090:37:12

-HE LAUGHS

-Adam Riches, everyone!

0:37:170:37:19

Oh, man!

0:37:210:37:23

I know it's a night-long marathon, but is it just me,

0:37:230:37:26

or was Jameela looking rough as fuck during that?

0:37:260:37:28

LAUGHTER

0:37:280:37:30

I wasn't even supposed to come back on,

0:37:300:37:32

but I thought, "I'm going to come on and say that."

0:37:320:37:35

For now, I'm Chris Ramsey, welcome on Susan Calman.

0:37:350:37:39

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.

0:37:390:37:42

Evening, Edinburgh!

0:37:420:37:44

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:37:440:37:47

This is where it starts getting real.

0:37:470:37:49

It's coming up to midnight.

0:37:490:37:50

This is where we can get slightly dirty.

0:37:500:37:52

Slightly... I don't know why I'm looking at you, sir.

0:37:520:37:55

I'm a lesbian. Welcome.

0:37:550:37:56

LAUGHTER

0:37:560:37:58

You look like one of my ex-girlfriends. More feminine.

0:37:580:38:00

But welcome, and let me just check where we are all from.

0:38:000:38:03

Cheer if you're from Edinburgh. CHEERING

0:38:030:38:06

Oh, a guy giving me the thumbs up!

0:38:060:38:09

Nice one, mate! You're six? Good.

0:38:090:38:11

Cheer if you are from Glasgow.

0:38:110:38:13

CHEERING Quite a few of you.

0:38:130:38:15

Cheer if you're English. CHEERING AND BOOS

0:38:150:38:18

There's three of them!

0:38:180:38:19

We've got them penned up there! LAUGHTER

0:38:190:38:22

Welsh in?

0:38:220:38:23

None!

0:38:230:38:24

LAUGHTER

0:38:240:38:27

Dear God in heaven! Any Irish? CHEERING

0:38:270:38:29

Just a fist!

0:38:290:38:30

That's a different thing for lesbians, sir. Watch yourself.

0:38:300:38:34

That's a proposal of marriage where I come from.

0:38:340:38:37

And is there anyone in from abroad? Anywhere glamorous?

0:38:370:38:40

QUIET CHEERS

0:38:400:38:42

Oh, you're clapping yourself, sweetie!

0:38:420:38:44

Where are you from? Australia?

0:38:440:38:45

CHEERING

0:38:450:38:47

Oh, you got a round of applause

0:38:470:38:48

from the nice lady there. You look quite young.

0:38:480:38:50

How young are you, before I do anything inappropriate?

0:38:500:38:53

Too young for you!

0:38:530:38:54

Too young for me?

0:38:540:38:55

LAUGHTER

0:38:550:38:56

I will be the judge of that, son, thanks very much indeed.

0:38:560:38:59

As long as it's legal, it's fine.

0:38:590:39:02

Er...you're 20? See?

0:39:020:39:05

I have to moderate my language, ladies and gentlemen.

0:39:070:39:10

You'll see me often going like that.

0:39:100:39:13

Because I am from Glasgow myself, I'm from Glasgow.

0:39:140:39:17

CHEERING

0:39:170:39:18

Thank you very much indeed. Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.

0:39:180:39:22

It's the accent, the way we can make even a compliment sound threatening.

0:39:220:39:26

GRUFFLY: For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby!"

0:39:260:39:31

Sounds a wee bit different, eh?

0:39:330:39:35

You can't see on this stage, but I'm actually quite a tiny person,

0:39:370:39:41

I'm quite tiny. Yes.

0:39:410:39:43

Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie?

0:39:430:39:45

How tall are you, gorgeous?

0:39:450:39:47

-Just under five foot.

-Just under five foot - snap!

0:39:470:39:49

I'm 4'11".

0:39:490:39:52

Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.

0:39:520:39:56

That is where the similarity ends.

0:39:570:40:00

I'm aware of that.

0:40:000:40:02

I have one talent, being this short, one talent, it is absolutely outstanding.

0:40:020:40:07

I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.

0:40:070:40:12

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

0:40:120:40:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:150:40:17

It's quite an expensive hobby, but I really enjoy it, to be honest.

0:40:170:40:21

I love the Festival, I adore the Festival.

0:40:210:40:24

I've had some bad times at the Festival.

0:40:240:40:27

2006. 2006, did my first show.

0:40:270:40:29

Gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.

0:40:290:40:32

My parents were desperately disappointed

0:40:320:40:34

because being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian.

0:40:340:40:37

Or spinster, as they like to call me.

0:40:370:40:40

2006, I did a show, here at the Edinburgh Festival.

0:40:400:40:44

I thought it'd be amazing.

0:40:440:40:46

£7,500, I'll get on the telly, living the dream, no bother at all.

0:40:460:40:50

Did a show. Two people came to see the show.

0:40:500:40:53

For the whole month!

0:40:530:40:55

AUDIENCE GROAN Two Irish men came, sat in the front row,

0:40:550:40:58

punched each other in the crotch for an hour.

0:40:580:41:01

It was a happening.

0:41:010:41:03

I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh and I was flyer...

0:41:030:41:06

"Please come and see my show. Dear God, come and see my show."

0:41:060:41:09

Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.

0:41:090:41:12

I turned round, I expected to see a rugby player or a Ninja.

0:41:120:41:17

It was a 12-year-old boy.

0:41:170:41:19

I had two choices, right, I had two choices.

0:41:190:41:22

I can let him go, or I could have chased him down the Royal Mile.

0:41:220:41:25

And that's what I did.

0:41:250:41:27

And as I was running down the Royal Mile, people were shouting,

0:41:270:41:30

"Why's wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile?"

0:41:300:41:33

And I caught him. And I don't know who was more surprised, me or him,

0:41:330:41:37

cos I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.

0:41:370:41:40

And again, I had two choices.

0:41:400:41:42

I could have let him go with a stern telling-off, or I could have punched him back.

0:41:420:41:46

Now, give me a cheer if you'd have punched him back.

0:41:460:41:48

CHEERING

0:41:480:41:50

And that's what I did.

0:41:500:41:52

And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile, I thought,

0:41:520:41:56

"This is what the Festival's all about!"

0:41:560:41:58

Brought a bit of Glasgow to the situation.

0:41:580:42:02

Someone said to me the other day, "You never did that, you never did that."

0:42:020:42:06

And I was like, "I did."

0:42:060:42:08

You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down, where you just lose it.

0:42:080:42:11

Like when you're in Greggs and there's no discernible queuing pattern,

0:42:110:42:15

but you all know where you are in the queue

0:42:150:42:17

and then someone wanders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?"

0:42:170:42:21

And you go, "Not today, not on my watch!"

0:42:210:42:23

I almost got caught, actually. The police were called,

0:42:250:42:27

but they just thought it was a brother and sister having a tussle.

0:42:270:42:31

I'm going to pass you on now to the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey!

0:42:320:42:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:380:42:40

Susan Calman, everyone!

0:42:420:42:45

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We'll have to go fast now. We're running over slightly.

0:42:450:42:49

So please keep the clapping going. Build it up for Mr Rob Beckett!

0:42:490:42:54

CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:540:42:58

How good was that? A bit arrogant. Are you all right?

0:42:590:43:02

CHEERING

0:43:020:43:04

Good, I'm Rob. You seem nice, but normally, when I do gigs,

0:43:040:43:07

I normally get all heckles and abuse because of my face.

0:43:070:43:11

Um...cos I look like a lot of people.

0:43:110:43:14

Right? And people shout this at me.

0:43:140:43:16

So what I'll do is, I'll run through that now, and then crack on with some actual jokes. Happy with that?

0:43:160:43:22

-Yeah!

-Well, it's happening, you might as well get on board.

0:43:220:43:25

It'll be a bit awkward otherwise.

0:43:250:43:27

I'm Rob Beckett and I look like, but I'm not,

0:43:270:43:29

Boris Johnson, Jack Swagger, Jeff Brazier, Biff Tannen.

0:43:290:43:33

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

0:43:330:43:36

James Earl Jones, the Milky Bar Kid...

0:43:360:43:38

..Princess Diana, Leslie Ash...

0:43:390:43:42

LAUGHTER

0:43:420:43:43

..Philip Seymour Hoffman, Myra Hindley, Craig Bellamy,

0:43:430:43:47

Eidur Gudjohnsen, Miss Piggy...

0:43:470:43:49

..Natasha Bedingfield, a frog...

0:43:510:43:53

LAUGHTER

0:43:530:43:55

..Kirk Nielson, Johnny Bravo, Buzz, Peggy Mitchell, Ian Bell, Oliver Kahn...

0:43:570:44:02

Pat Butcher, Scott Walker, Peter Lorre, Bam Bam,

0:44:020:44:05

the Honey Monster, Jill Dando, Billie Piper and a lesbian.

0:44:050:44:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:090:44:12

Any others while I'm here?

0:44:150:44:17

H from Steps.

0:44:170:44:19

H from Steps?

0:44:190:44:21

Not too bad. You're being nice. I normally get Clare Balding at this point.

0:44:210:44:26

I did a gig the other week and this little old lady was in the crowd.

0:44:260:44:30

She came to me at the end and went, "I've got a look-alikey for you."

0:44:300:44:33

Thinking it'd be someone from the '50s I wasn't aware of.

0:44:330:44:36

She looked at me square in the face and went, "Quasimodo."

0:44:360:44:40

So offensive!

0:44:410:44:42

If it's a lad my age, "Leave it out, will you?"

0:44:420:44:45

But she was so little and old, like my nan, I just had to go, "Oh, thanks, cheers.

0:44:450:44:50

"I'll take that on board."

0:44:500:44:52

You're a nice crowd. Sometimes you do gigs to horrible people.

0:44:520:44:56

Like the other week, before this gig, I needed to go to the toilet.

0:44:560:44:59

I decided to use the disabled toilet, just wanted to stretch my legs. It's nice in there, innit?

0:44:590:45:04

Loads of room, it's clean, it's like an indoor balcony on holiday.

0:45:040:45:07

To be honest with you, the reason I was using this disabled toilet,

0:45:070:45:11

it was a big one, needed the grip while I was in there.

0:45:110:45:14

We've all been there, don't judge me.

0:45:140:45:16

All right? It was barbecue season, meat every week, right?

0:45:160:45:20

So I'm in this disabled toilet, doing my business,

0:45:200:45:24

this bloke knocks on the door, goes, "Somebody in there?"

0:45:240:45:26

I was like, "Yeah, I'm in here, mate."

0:45:260:45:28

Then he said the worst thing anyone's ever said to me,

0:45:280:45:31

he went, "Well, I hope you're disabled." Right?

0:45:310:45:34

I go, "Fair enough, mate, I'm in the wrong, but you can't wish that on anyone."

0:45:370:45:41

What an awful thing to say to someone.

0:45:410:45:44

It's not as if anyone's waiting,

0:45:440:45:46

and even if they were, they'd have a seat anyway. It annoyed me.

0:45:460:45:49

Know what else annoys me? Have you seen the word "lisp" written down?

0:45:490:45:53

Why stick an S in the middle? You're not helping them.

0:45:530:45:57

Have you seen how dyslexia's spelt?

0:45:570:46:00

LAUGHTER

0:46:000:46:02

I'm not dyslexic and I can't spell it!

0:46:020:46:04

How do you think they feel?

0:46:040:46:06

I think I should change it, help 'em out.

0:46:060:46:08

Get rid of the "dyslexi" part, just call it "a", right?

0:46:080:46:11

It'll be a rubbish word at Scrabble, but I doubt they're playing it.

0:46:110:46:15

It'd be much easier, wouldn't it?

0:46:150:46:17

"What's wrong with you, mate?" "I've got a."

0:46:170:46:20

Bit of a nightmare, but easy to spell, they've changed it.

0:46:200:46:23

"How d'you spell it then?" "Oh, it's just T...it's A, A."

0:46:230:46:27

Quick question - why are you so tall?

0:46:280:46:31

Don't know if you saw what I was doing there.

0:46:310:46:34

Looking up higher than normal for the...

0:46:340:46:37

Cos of the...imaginary up there.

0:46:370:46:39

Don't worry about it. Um...

0:46:390:46:41

not done me down. My imaginary dyslexic mate's six foot seven.

0:46:410:46:45

He thinks he's seven foot six, we don't argue.

0:46:450:46:48

Hassle for me, innit?

0:46:480:46:49

I've enjoyed this. I like doing comedy.

0:46:490:46:52

My girlfriend's not a massive fan though, cos there's a lot of late-night drinking.

0:46:520:46:56

She's worried I might cheat on her. I never would. I love her to bits.

0:46:560:46:59

I always try and reassure her with a classic Paul Newman quote. I say,

0:46:590:47:02

"Look, why would I go and have a burger when I've got steak at home?"

0:47:020:47:06

But the problem is, when you're drunk, burgers are well nice.

0:47:060:47:10

I'm Rob Beckett, lovely to see you, good night.

0:47:100:47:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:130:47:15

Before I even attempt to begin this show,

0:47:240:47:26

I want to say to you Scottish people, "I love your country!"

0:47:260:47:30

CHEERING

0:47:300:47:32

I don't care whether it sounds like crowd pleasing, I love Scotland.

0:47:320:47:36

I love this country.

0:47:360:47:37

Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.

0:47:370:47:41

I'll take that as a compliment. >

0:47:430:47:46

What's that?

0:47:460:47:47

I'll take that as a compliment.

0:47:470:47:49

You'll take that as a compliment.

0:47:490:47:50

It was a compliment, but with a twist, known as the punch line.

0:47:500:47:55

LAUGHTER

0:47:550:47:57

That's...

0:47:570:47:59

HE LAUGHS

0:48:000:48:02

Who here...who here's from the furthest away from here?

0:48:020:48:05

People putting hands up!

0:48:070:48:09

Where are you from?

0:48:090:48:11

Australia. >

0:48:110:48:12

Australia!

0:48:120:48:14

Welcome, my deeply educated friend.

0:48:140:48:17

Welcome, Australian.

0:48:190:48:21

Yeah?

0:48:210:48:22

We like you.

0:48:220:48:23

You're nice people, yeah? Simple, but sweet.

0:48:230:48:27

We also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?

0:48:270:48:31

And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.

0:48:310:48:35

It's called a flip-flop.

0:48:350:48:38

Right, people?

0:48:390:48:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:48:410:48:43

It's not called a thong.

0:48:430:48:46

It's an onomatopoeic word, yeah? Flip...flop.

0:48:460:48:51

Flip...flop, flip...flop, flip...flop.

0:48:510:48:54

It doesn't go thong!

0:48:540:48:56

Thong! Thong! Thong!

0:48:560:48:59

Thong-da-daon-dong-dong.

0:48:590:49:02

No.

0:49:020:49:04

We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.

0:49:050:49:09

Welcome, Aussie. Do we have anyone else from anywhere else?

0:49:090:49:13

INDISTINCT SHOUT

0:49:130:49:14

There's a man putting his hand up at the back. I feel like Kilroy-Silk.

0:49:140:49:18

Yes, sir.

0:49:180:49:19

-Syria.

-Where?

0:49:190:49:21

-Syria.

-Syria!

0:49:210:49:23

You, a drunken, ginger Scottish man...

0:49:230:49:26

..are for some God-knows-what reason,

0:49:290:49:33

live on television, claiming...

0:49:330:49:37

that you're a Syrian.

0:49:370:49:40

Well, why not?

0:49:410:49:42

HE LAUGHS

0:49:420:49:45

That's full of sunburnt sectarian people too.

0:49:450:49:48

APPLAUSE

0:49:480:49:50

This is by far the rowdiest thing that anybody's ever tried to record and broadcast.

0:49:520:49:58

WOMAN YELPS

0:49:580:50:00

And then she ruined it with "Whoo!"

0:50:000:50:02

I don't think...it's Ribena jumping in the air.

0:50:040:50:07

Whoo!

0:50:070:50:09

"I'm quite rowdy. Ha-ha-ha!

0:50:090:50:11

"Cos I've had too much lactose through the day."

0:50:110:50:15

Mmm.

0:50:150:50:16

INDISTINCT COMMENT >

0:50:160:50:18

What's that?

0:50:180:50:19

Haggis, dude. >

0:50:190:50:20

Haggis, dude.

0:50:200:50:22

Is that a new superhero?

0:50:220:50:24

# Haggis Dude!

0:50:250:50:27

# Nobody knows what's inside him

0:50:270:50:30

# Only tourists eat him

0:50:320:50:34

# It's Haggis Dude! #

0:50:340:50:36

WHOOPING

0:50:360:50:37

Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.

0:50:370:50:40

Mild-mannered Calum McGlinchy.

0:50:410:50:44

By day, works in a Vodafone shop...

0:50:440:50:48

..by night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite

0:50:490:50:54

that failed to make it into sausages.

0:50:540:50:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:560:50:59

You're looking at Haggis Dude!

0:51:010:51:04

What are your superpowers?

0:51:040:51:07

Ruining New Years.

0:51:070:51:09

Has anybody ever attempted to actually eat haggis?

0:51:120:51:15

CHEERING

0:51:150:51:17

Look at them! Scottish people, yeah, look at 'em.

0:51:170:51:20

He actually raised his pint, eughhh!

0:51:200:51:23

Who wouldn't try and eat that...

0:51:230:51:26

bladder...

0:51:260:51:27

..filled with...

0:51:280:51:31

..the anuses of chickens

0:51:320:51:34

and the tears of pigs?

0:51:340:51:36

No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.

0:51:360:51:40

Mmm! That pig died a tragic death.

0:51:400:51:44

Beauty. MAN SHOUTS

0:51:470:51:49

-What's that, fella?

-It tastes like the rainbow.

0:51:490:51:51

It tastes like a rainbow.

0:51:510:51:53

LAUGHTER

0:51:530:51:55

< That's Skittles!

0:51:550:51:57

Yes, my friend over here, who has heckled you -

0:51:570:52:01

and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before -

0:52:010:52:05

that's what we've descended into, people, hecklers heckling hecklers.

0:52:050:52:09

That's right. My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament

0:52:110:52:15

has pointed out that that's in fact the Skittles logo, my friend.

0:52:150:52:20

LAUGHTER

0:52:200:52:21

No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.

0:52:230:52:26

Yeah? It just sits in the window until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.

0:52:260:52:34

So that's it.

0:52:340:52:35

We've got an Australian, a Syrian...

0:52:350:52:39

Where are you from in Syria?

0:52:410:52:43

Damascus.

0:52:430:52:45

He actually pointed to...Damascus!

0:52:450:52:48

Over that way.

0:52:490:52:51

"I'm from the east side of Damascus. We're largely Hibs fans."

0:52:510:52:55

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I've been Andrew Maxwell.

0:52:570:53:00

Good night!

0:53:000:53:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:53:010:53:04

We...have...

0:53:100:53:13

one...act...left

0:53:130:53:17

-CHEERING

-Don't shake your head. You've come this far, brother.

0:53:170:53:20

You can't leave now. Stick with it.

0:53:200:53:23

You're having another pint, good.

0:53:230:53:25

What is it a pint of? Cos it looks like urine.

0:53:250:53:28

I wish it was breakfast. >

0:53:280:53:29

You wish it was breakfast? Pretend it's breakfast.

0:53:290:53:32

You get some cereal in that stuff, man.

0:53:320:53:34

Please welcome to the stage

0:53:340:53:38

the final act of the Comedy Marathon.

0:53:380:53:41

My saints, my army of martyrs and troopers,

0:53:410:53:46

one more time, raise the roof for the final act of the Comedy Marathon,

0:53:460:53:52

Joey Page!

0:53:520:53:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:53:550:53:58

Edinburgh Festival, you lunatics!

0:54:000:54:02

It's still live, it's still going, are you all right?

0:54:020:54:06

CHEERING

0:54:060:54:08

If you guys are good, I'll rattle through this and we can go home.

0:54:080:54:12

If you're not, I'm going to take for ever. Um...

0:54:120:54:15

some people are looking at me, thinking, "Who's this indie douche-bag

0:54:150:54:18

"who looks like he roams the streets of Camden Town bursting chavs' bulldogs with his winkle-pickers

0:54:180:54:23

"whilst fishing through a dustbin for a teapot to drink gin out of ironically,

0:54:230:54:26

"at some kind of skin-style party whilst talking to a girl who looks like Anne Boleyn

0:54:260:54:30

"in period dress cos she's done so many drugs she's got her own head tucked underneath her arm."

0:54:300:54:35

I'm actually nothing like that.

0:54:350:54:38

When I'm not on stage, I like nothing better

0:54:380:54:41

than to be sat at home in my old Umbro shorts from Year 8 PE,

0:54:410:54:44

eating a bowl of mashed potato watching WWF wrestling, so it's all going to be all right.

0:54:440:54:49

Um, I do realise that this is an arts festival,

0:54:490:54:53

so I've written a play. I'd like to do that for you now.

0:54:530:54:55

It's called Pencils, and I hope you enjoy it.

0:54:550:54:59

"All right, Tony?"

0:55:060:55:08

"All right, Alan?"

0:55:080:55:10

"Oh, no, we've got the same jumper on again."

0:55:100:55:12

"I told you, I bought a brand-new yellow and black jumper,

0:55:120:55:16

"please don't wear the same thing as me."

0:55:160:55:18

"Don't have a go at me, I've been at work all day, I just grabbed the first thing I could find.

0:55:180:55:23

"I'm well worn down."

0:55:230:55:24

Pencils, ladies and gentlemen.

0:55:260:55:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:55:270:55:30

So, it was my nan's birthday recently and I forgot to buy her

0:55:300:55:33

a present. I didn't really forget, I didn't have any money. I used this excuse and got away with it.

0:55:330:55:38

So if anyone's got a birthday coming up, you can use this one.

0:55:380:55:41

I rung her up and went, "Hello, Nan, you know I work in that shop? This man came in every day for five days.

0:55:410:55:46

"And he bought one mango each day for five days, but this man, he had a claw for a hand,

0:55:460:55:51

"and he came in, day one, a mango, day two, a mango, day three, day four,

0:55:510:55:55

"a mango, a mango. On the fifth day he came, his phone rang and he went,

0:55:550:55:58

"'Hello, Dr Chris Law?'

0:55:580:56:00

"I thought, 'That evil Dr Claw, how's he planning on taking over the Earth only using five mangoes?

0:56:000:56:05

"'How does he plan to destroy society using five fruits?'

0:56:050:56:09

"So I followed him out of the shop, back to his house,

0:56:090:56:11

"I broke in and hid in a cupboard and watched him like a hawk.

0:56:110:56:14

"Like a hawk in a confined space,

0:56:140:56:16

"going about his evil, suspicious ways,

0:56:160:56:18

"wondering how he used his iPhone without scratching the front with his claw.

0:56:180:56:22

"But he didn't know I was on to him.

0:56:220:56:24

"He didn't know I realised that each day one of the mangoes was disappearing,

0:56:240:56:27

"until on the fifth day, the last one disappeared and I realised that he was just a normal GP

0:56:270:56:31

"whose hand got cut off in a scuba-diving accident

0:56:310:56:33

"and he was no threat to society, he just liked eating mangoes.

0:56:330:56:36

"So I spent five days hidden in his cupboard watching him like a hawk in a confined space.

0:56:360:56:40

"I haven't had time to buy you a birthday present, soz."

0:56:400:56:43

LAUGHTER

0:56:430:56:45

I've been Joey Page. See you again some time. God bless, cheers.

0:56:450:56:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:490:56:52

Enjoy that?

0:56:530:56:55

Yes.

0:57:010:57:03

That was it.

0:57:030:57:04

Please welcome on stage the fantastic, the beautiful Jameela Jamil!

0:57:040:57:09

Yes, good stuff, here she is.

0:57:090:57:12

-There are so many of you left here, I can't believe it.

-There's loads.

0:57:120:57:16

-5am!

-Yeah, it's all good.

0:57:160:57:19

Now, can we all get on our feet, we'll count down, we'll finish this

0:57:190:57:22

-and we'll all go...

-Let's do this right.

-Let's do it, everyone get up.

-It's been a big night.

0:57:220:57:27

Shall we count down from 10?

0:57:270:57:29

Yeah? 10...

0:57:290:57:31

9...

0:57:310:57:32

8...7...

0:57:320:57:34

6...5...

0:57:340:57:36

4...3...

0:57:360:57:38

2...1...

0:57:380:57:41

five hours! Thank you, Edinburgh!

0:57:410:57:44

She's been Jameela Jamil. I've been Chris Ramsey.

0:57:440:57:48

That's Pete Fox.

0:57:480:57:50

Thank you very much, Edinburgh.

0:57:500:57:52

Thank you at home. Good night.

0:57:520:57:53

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:090:58:12

Chris Ramsey and Jameela Jamil host highlights of 2012's first ever eight-hour comedy marathon, filmed late and live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Showcasing the very best of this year's Fringe, with a jam-packed tent-full of the funniest names in sketch and stand-up.


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