Scotland Part 1 Comedy At The Fringe


Scotland Part 1

Hosted by Susan Calman, BBC Scotland has handpicked the very best Scottish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

0:00:020:00:10

Hello and welcome to BBC Scotland's Comedy At The Fringe.

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I'm Susan Calman and you're Edinburgh!

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APPLAUSE

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I'm from Glasgow myself. I'm from Glasgow. Thank you very much.

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Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.

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It's the accent, the way we can make a compliment sound quite threatening.

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For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby."

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Sounds a wee bit different, eh?

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You can't see on this stage but I'm quite a tiny person.

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I am quite tiny. Yes, again.

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Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie? How tall are you, gorgeous?

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-Just under five foot.

-Just under five foot? Snap!

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I'm four foot 11.

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Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.

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That is where the similarity ends.

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I am aware of that.

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I have one talent being the short one talented is absolutely outstanding.

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I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.

0:01:170:01:23

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

0:01:230:01:25

It's quite an expensive hobby but I really enjoy it.

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There's a few disadvantages being this short.

0:01:310:01:34

I get IDd. I'm 37. You're quite young.

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I get IDd all the time for booze and stuff.

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I went to a pub and asked for a pint. They said, "Have you got any ID?"

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I said, "I'm 37." He said, "Have you got any ID?"

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I said, "Would I make that up, seriously? Who wants to be 37?"

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I would have said 18, 19, 20 at a push. I'm really grumpy.

0:01:500:01:54

I love the festival, I adore the festival.

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I've had some bad times at the festival. 2006 I did my first show.

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I gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.

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My parents were desperately disappointed.

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Being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian!

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Or spinster, as they like to call me.

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2006, I did a show at the Edinburgh Festival, £7,500,

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I will get on the telly, living the dream. No bother at all.

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I did a show. Two people came to see the show for the whole month.

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Two Irishmen came, sat in the front row,

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punched each other in the crotch for an hour.

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It was a happening.

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I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, I was flyering, please come and see my show.

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Dear God, come and see my show. Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.

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I turned around, I expected to see a rugby player or a ninja.

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It was a 12-year-old boy.

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Now, I had two choices, right? Two choices. I could have let him go

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or chased him down the Royal Mile and that's what I did!

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As I was running, people were shouting,

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"Why is wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile!"

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And I caught him.

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I don't know who was more surprised, me or him

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because I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.

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And again, I had two choices,

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I could have let him go with a stern telling off or punched him back.

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Give me a cheer if you would have punched him back?

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AUDIENCE CHEER

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And that's what I did!

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And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile I thought,

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"This is what the festival is all about!"

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Bring a little bit of Glasgow to the situation.

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Someone said to me, "You never did that, you never did that." I was like, "I did."

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You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. You lose it.

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Like in Greggs, there's no discernible queueing pattern but you know where you are in the queue.

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And then someone wonders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?" and you go, "Not today!

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"Not on my watch!"

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I almost got caught. The police were called.

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But they said it was a brother and a sister having a tussle.

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We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.

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Are you ready for a great comedian?

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AUDIENCE WHOOP

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Better than that, are you ready for a great comedian?

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Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof for the awesome Janey Godley.

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APPLAUSE

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How are we doing, people?

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My name is Janey. I am from the east end of Glasgow.

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I come from a place where an Oxo cube is a starter.

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I'm from a place where the Catholics hate the Protestants,

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the Protestants hate the Catholics,

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occasionally a brown person turned up and took the heat off everybody.

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Good on you.

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Also, just to let you know, that as a mother I've got a child. I know what you're thinking -

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how did that happen?

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I'm 51 and I've reached an age... I know, this skin is beautiful.

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-AUDIENCE:

-I love you, Janey!

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You're scaring me, Mum!

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Which is weird cos my mum's dead.

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Anyway, I've reached the brilliant age at 51 which is amazing

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because when I was 30 I was terrified people wouldn't like me,

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"Look at me, come to my house for dinner."

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At 40, I would have you round the tea.

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At 51 I've realised I don't fecking like anybody.

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"Get out of my house!" I only like five folk.

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One came out of me, one goes in me and the other three are comedians.

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APPLAUSE

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And most of them have been here tonight.

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My daughter Ashley is 26 and she went to a private school in Glasgow.

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I'm hard-core working-class but my daughter is middle-class. She knows what cous cous is.

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I thought it was a disease you got if you touched a boy fae Castlemilk!

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But Ashley went to a private school, 75 grand's worth of private education.

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That is a lot of heroin to shift. OK?

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I'm joking, I own the pub, same effect, different drug.

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Anyway, Ashley went to a posh school and as you can tell,

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I'm not really one of those mothers that can bake.

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I am no' a posh woman.

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You know the kind of woman who have a scarf for every day of the week.

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The kind of woman who bake. I don't understand that. Just buy a cake!

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They sell that shit in the shops. Seriously, just buy it.

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Who's blending flour into sugar, are you mad?

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The kind of woman you and I know has never had sex up against a fridge.

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Come on, we're Scottish!

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We can have sex up against a fridge and fry an omelette!

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As soon as you're finished, mate, there's some fried goods here.

0:06:450:06:49

These women hated me.

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They used to look at me and go, "I know who you are."

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"You're that little girl in junior six's mum, the comedienne.

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I'd say, "Actually I'm a hooker and your husband owes me a fiver!"

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So, I love men. When you see female stand-ups, you always assume, "They hate me."

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I love men. I'll tell you why. Men like five things.

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They like their house, kids, job, sex and sausages.

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And if you show them a picture of a shark they're over the moon.

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If you said, "I'm going to give you sex and a sausage

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"and then show you a shark," he'd be like, "I'm going to tile your bathroom, bitch."

0:07:280:07:33

Totally.

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Men love that stuff.

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I love the fact that men love sex and sausages and sharks.

0:07:380:07:42

I think that would be the cure for world peace.

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If Kofi Annan ever has time off, I would go to the Middle East,

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stand on a car, get a loudspeaker and go, "Everybody calm down.

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"We have sex and sausages, clearly not pork. That would be offensive.

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"And then we are going to show you that and give you a shark."

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The Al-Qaeda would be like that, "I'm done with this now."

0:08:050:08:10

Obviously no' in a Scottish accent. "I'm done with this.

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"There's a woman out there going to give us sex and sausages

0:08:150:08:18

"and I am going to find out what a shark is."

0:08:180:08:21

It'd be brilliant. Women are different. Women approach a relationship like this...

0:08:210:08:26

CLICKS

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"I'm an emotional Rubik's cube, can you work me out yet?"

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Poor men are like, "I'll fecking give it a go."

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"Are you pulling the stickers off that?"

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"No. I just cannae work that out.

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"Can I just have sex and a sausage, please?"

0:08:440:08:47

I'm going to end on this. I am 50.

0:08:500:08:52

I thought last year I was pregnant, terrifying,

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nobody wants to be pregnant at 50.

0:08:550:08:57

I went to the chemist. I said to Ashley, "I think I'm pregnant."

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She said, "It's no' mine."

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Said, "You're a weird child, that's why I love you.

0:09:040:09:07

And then I ran to the chemist and like every woman in this room,

0:09:070:09:11

the minute you pay £25 for a pregnancy test, you're like, "I'd better be pregnant now!"

0:09:110:09:16

Came home, peed on it, gave it to Ashley

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because she has to watch it because I have to have a fight with my man.

0:09:200:09:23

I'm like, "You. Aye, you! This is your fault. Come here!" He's like, "It's no' my fault."

0:09:230:09:28

Not only that, my husband has Asperger's

0:09:280:09:31

I have sex with a man who shouts, "Is that written in a black pen!"

0:09:310:09:36

So horny. Ooh!

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And then Ashley went, "Mum, it's got two lines on it. You're pregnant!"

0:09:410:09:46

I went, "Oh!"

0:09:460:09:47

My husband made the noise all men make at a positive pregnancy test.

0:09:470:09:51

He went... (SUBDUED) .."Yay!"

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And then Ashley went, "Ha ha! I'm joking. I drew a line on it."

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My husband went, "Is that in a black pen?"

0:10:000:10:03

Guys...

0:10:040:10:05

APPLAUSE

0:10:050:10:08

Thank you very much. I've been Janey, good night!

0:10:080:10:12

Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Godley!

0:10:160:10:20

We have another act for you, ladies and gentlemen.

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And he is absolutely remarkable. I want you to raise the roof, literally raise the roof.

0:10:240:10:28

It's the wonderful Mr Des Clarke.

0:10:280:10:32

APPLAUSE

0:10:320:10:36

Hello, everyone are we well?

0:10:380:10:41

Yes, it's good to have some people here tonight.

0:10:410:10:44

Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.

0:10:440:10:46

CHEERING

0:10:460:10:47

I could tell by the rumble of drunkenness in the room. I knew that.

0:10:470:10:51

I'm from Glasgow. It's nice being in Edinburgh. One "whoo". That's my mum, thank you.

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She didn't know I was her son, so that's surprising.

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I like being Scottish in Edinburgh when the festival is on.

0:10:590:11:02

You see a lot of tourists.

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You get American tourists on the Royal Mile and I had two

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approach me - "Are you from..." I don't know why I gave this woman a stroke...

0:11:080:11:13

"I can't feel my arm."

0:11:130:11:15

"I smell toast." This woman's dead.

0:11:150:11:18

"Are you from..."

0:11:180:11:20

Thanks for the single applause, that was a doctor trying to find a vein.

0:11:200:11:24

"Are you from Scotland?" "Yes, I'm from Scotland."

0:11:240:11:29

She's deaf now as well. I said, "Yes, I'm from Glasgow."

0:11:290:11:32

She said to me, "Is Glasgow the same as Edinburgh?" I was like, "What do you mean?"

0:11:320:11:37

She said, "The tourists in Edinburgh, we go for a ghost walk at night.

0:11:370:11:40

"Can you do that in Glasgow?"

0:11:400:11:43

"Well, you can go for a walk at night in Glasgow. You'll end up the ghost! Be my guest, love."

0:11:430:11:48

She never came through.

0:11:480:11:51

I like the fact the Olympics were on and Scotland embraced that.

0:11:510:11:54

I thought that was good.

0:11:540:11:55

I think part of it was the fact we have some events in Scotland.

0:11:550:11:58

We had the Olympic football at Hampden Park,

0:11:580:12:01

still managed to mess that up but hey.

0:12:010:12:03

If you're going to piss off certain countries,

0:12:030:12:06

try not to make it North Korea, is that all right?

0:12:060:12:09

We had the North Korean ladies football team walk out to the wrong flag.

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If you're going to get the wrong flag, make it Estonia, Belgium, have a laugh.

0:12:140:12:17

Don't put South Korea up there.

0:12:170:12:19

The guy in charge of the flags, "North Korea, South Korea? Nae career. I'm finished."

0:12:190:12:26

The British Olympics suddenly became the Scottish Olympics. What a night. It was great(!)

0:12:260:12:30

We loved it and they came out and I thought it was good,

0:12:320:12:35

they tried to compare it to how it would be...like the Scotland team walking out to the England flag.

0:12:350:12:40

No, we have a bit of banter but it's hardly the same thing.

0:12:400:12:44

By comparison you're saying Scotland is some backward nation,

0:12:440:12:47

a cold depressing place with a small leader that wants to take over the world,

0:12:470:12:51

with access to nuclear weapons... It is quite similar, to be fair!

0:12:510:12:54

APPLAUSE Now I think about it.

0:12:540:12:57

Got a lot going on there.

0:12:590:13:01

I love Scotland, I love the fact we are proud of who we are,

0:13:010:13:03

and we watched the Olympic Opening Ceremony with pride and we loved it

0:13:030:13:07

apart from one small group of people, the small group in Glasgow

0:13:070:13:10

who have tasked with organising the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony

0:13:100:13:15

in two years, watching how good that was, going, "Aw, shite.

0:13:150:13:18

"Gonnae cancel the Krankies, it's not going to work.

0:13:200:13:22

"Get the big guns. Have you got a number for Subo and Lorraine Kelly?"

0:13:220:13:26

Yes, we have the Commonwealth Games,

0:13:270:13:29

the next big sporting event in Britain.

0:13:290:13:31

They're in Glasgow, we've no idea how we won the bid.

0:13:310:13:35

I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,

0:13:350:13:37

saw us walking about in tracksuits and thought, "They must be sporty."

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"Give us your wallet!" There's 100 metres. "Thanks, mate." We love it.

0:13:430:13:47

We watched the last Commonwealth Games from Delhi in India.

0:13:470:13:50

"These are the most violent

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"and aggressive Commonwealth Games of all time."

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I was in Glasgow, "We'll see about that, big man.

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"We've all got our own javelins. Get it up, you."

0:13:580:14:02

I love the little stories that come out of this.

0:14:020:14:04

There's a woman in Glasgow,

0:14:040:14:06

they're trying to move her out to build the stuff for the Commonwealth Games.

0:14:060:14:10

She did this reaction that I think certain women of a certain age have when they want to prove a point.

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They move their head side to side when they're angry. "Don't you talk to me.

0:14:140:14:18

"I'm not moving oot. I don't care."

0:14:180:14:20

It's the opposite of guys trying to chat ladies up.

0:14:200:14:23

They move their head forward like a pigeon. "Would you like to have sex?"

0:14:230:14:26

"Don't talk to me."

0:14:260:14:27

Between the two of them, you've got all the compass points covered.

0:14:270:14:31

This little woman, "I am not moving house."

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Good on her, she's lived there all her life.

0:14:330:14:35

They should be forced to build the whole Commonwealth Games around that wee woman.

0:14:350:14:39

It would be brilliant. She should live in the sandpit for the long jump, I'd love that!

0:14:390:14:43

Every two minutes, "That was never eight metres, you wank!"

0:14:430:14:46

I'd love that!

0:14:460:14:48

Listen, I need to go, I need the toilet.

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But it's been lovely to speak to you people here tonight.

0:14:520:14:55

You will notice, the visitors that come and visit this great country,

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that we are very lovable and friendly

0:14:580:15:00

but we're accidentally aggressive to each other.

0:15:000:15:03

Don't mind that. We are aggressive to each other even in couples.

0:15:030:15:07

I had an ex-girlfriend argue with me one night.

0:15:070:15:09

She hated me. For half an hour, she went, "Your eyelashes..."

0:15:090:15:12

Sorry - "Your eyelashes are too long! Right?"

0:15:120:15:14

INDISTINCT

0:15:140:15:16

She's right. The eyelashes are too long. There's nothing I can do about that.

0:15:190:15:23

"Your eyelashes are too long. That's no' fair, they don't belong on a guy."

0:15:230:15:26

I'm like, "I say nothing about your moustache, what's the problem?"

0:15:260:15:29

You've been amazing, Edinburgh! See you again soon. Thank you very much, good night.

0:15:310:15:35

CHEERING

0:15:350:15:39

Ladies and gentlemen, Des Clarke! Beautiful.

0:15:430:15:48

Now, at the Edinburgh Fringe, sometimes things aren't particularly good.

0:15:480:15:52

What you need at this point is something to cheer you up.

0:15:520:15:55

You need a ray of sunshine, some happiness in your lives. And I've got that for you.

0:15:550:15:59

Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome onto the stage

0:16:000:16:02

essentially the epitome of everything that is joyous in life.

0:16:020:16:05

Please go wild and crazy

0:16:050:16:07

for the wonderful Mr Damien Crow!

0:16:070:16:10

CHEERING

0:16:100:16:14

-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

0:16:220:16:24

My name's Damien. Happy to be here.

0:16:240:16:29

You might think this is an unusual concept -

0:16:290:16:31

a Goth doing stand-up comedy.

0:16:310:16:35

That's only because you believe all the negative stereotypes about my people.

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That we're miserable, depressed, unhappy. It's not true.

0:16:390:16:43

We like to have a good time. Like to have a good laugh.

0:16:430:16:47

Like to tell a good joke from time to time, you know? What's your name?

0:16:500:16:54

-Steve.

-Steve. Stupid name, isn't it?

0:16:540:16:58

How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb, Steve?

0:16:580:17:00

Don't know.

0:17:000:17:02

None! Leave the lights off, leave me alone!

0:17:020:17:05

SOBS

0:17:050:17:06

We are misrepresented in the media, so that makes it hard.

0:17:090:17:12

People think they understand me cos they've seen Newt in Hollyoaks. That's just not fair.

0:17:120:17:17

I thought my gran might understand me because she is from an older generation, a bit less pretentious.

0:17:170:17:22

But she doesn't get it. The last time I visited, she turned off all the lights in the house.

0:17:220:17:26

I had to say, "I'm a Goth, a Goth, not a bloody moth. Jesus Christ!"

0:17:260:17:29

They don't understand me or my sound that I'm trying to produce. Yeah.

0:17:330:17:37

Not only is it the most aesthetically pleasing instrument a Goth can play, it is also a very powerful beast.

0:17:370:17:42

When my dad first got me this, so I could play at family gatherings, I wanted to rebel.

0:17:420:17:46

I didn't want to play the way he wanted it to be played. I thought, "I'll just play the black keys."

0:17:460:17:51

But there's really not a lot you can do with just the black keys,

0:17:510:17:57

other than the knuckle song. And it's not very good.

0:17:570:18:00

APPLAUSE

0:18:080:18:10

No, it's shit. Don't. It's not good enough.

0:18:100:18:14

I thought, "I can't wallow in this self-pity. I need to step it up.

0:18:140:18:17

"What can I do to make this cooler? I could start my own band.

0:18:170:18:20

"Yeah, Damien Crow and the Black Knight of Dark Black Darkness."

0:18:200:18:23

And I could play music, but it's really hard to find sheet music for the music

0:18:230:18:27

I want to play, Goth metal, heavy metal, thrash metal and punk metal, and metal metal,

0:18:270:18:31

so I wasn't really getting any gigs.

0:18:310:18:33

I had to start playing music that I didn't necessarily want to play but it was the only thing I could do.

0:18:330:18:37

It doesn't really fit the image, but...

0:18:370:18:39

HE PLAYS JOLLY TUNE

0:18:390:18:42

I'm deadly serious, I'm available for weddings and ceilidhs and seances, if anyone's interested.

0:18:570:19:03

But there you go.

0:19:030:19:04

That's all from me, I got to go.

0:19:040:19:06

I really have two, my dad picks me up afterwards, so...

0:19:060:19:09

OK. I've been Damien Crow, thank you very much.

0:19:090:19:12

CHEERING

0:19:120:19:14

Ladies and gentlemen, Damien Crow!

0:19:140:19:18

Are you ready for another act?

0:19:180:19:20

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:19:200:19:21

Better than that! Are you ready for another act?!

0:19:210:19:24

LOUD CHEERING

0:19:240:19:25

Please raise the roof for the wonderful Nina Conti!

0:19:250:19:29

Hi.

0:19:350:19:37

Hello. This year, I did a silly thing

0:19:390:19:42

and donated one of my favourite puppets to a museum in America.

0:19:420:19:47

And I missed her. So I've had her duplicated and she's here tonight.

0:19:470:19:51

It's my granny. Who is based on my own granny, who lived here in Edinburgh.

0:19:510:19:55

I'll just get her out of the bag.

0:19:550:19:57

-Gran?

-Yes, dear?

0:19:570:20:00

-You OK?

-Oh, lovely, dear.

0:20:000:20:03

-Fresh air!

-Yes.

-Hello, Edinburgh.

-Let's get you out.

0:20:040:20:09

What am I pointing at, dear?

0:20:090:20:11

Can't read it upside down.

0:20:130:20:15

Never mind my eyes are painted on.

0:20:150:20:19

All right, there you go. Comfortable?

0:20:190:20:21

-It's very hot in here tonight.

-I know.

0:20:210:20:24

-She's sort of sweating inside my head.

-I'm sorry.

0:20:240:20:27

-Right, now, who have we got here?

-What's your name, dear?

-Louise.

0:20:300:20:34

What do you do with your life, Louise? You work in a shop? That's lovely.

0:20:340:20:39

Is it an exciting shop? A naughty shop?

0:20:390:20:43

Not a naughty shop?

0:20:430:20:45

By the look of you and your leopardskin, I thought it might be a wee bit risque.

0:20:450:20:49

Not at all. Is that your husband?

0:20:490:20:51

Do you know each other?

0:20:510:20:55

-Unfortunately, you do.

-You're together?

-No.

-Would you ever like to be?

0:20:550:21:00

-Are you single, sir?

-Er, yes.

-You are?

-And you are, too?

0:21:010:21:06

Oh, this is boding well!

0:21:060:21:07

I think you should use your comedy to bring people together.

0:21:080:21:12

-What do you do, dear?

-I work in an insurance company.

0:21:120:21:15

You work in an insurance company? OK, now let's get on with it.

0:21:150:21:19

This is hopeless!

0:21:190:21:22

It will make sense later.

0:21:220:21:25

We know enough about these two.

0:21:250:21:27

We don't have to go through the whole room. Look at them getting tense and hating it.

0:21:270:21:32

-Working out what profession they might say they do.

-OK, Gran.

0:21:330:21:37

-You are going to sing?

-I'd like to sing with you, dear.

0:21:370:21:39

-Oh no, I can't sing.

-Oh, come on, dear. A wee duet?

0:21:390:21:44

-No, I can't sing with you.

-Not simultaneously?

-No, I'd struggle!

0:21:440:21:50

-I'd struggle to sing simultaneously.

-Well, this is an old favourite.

0:21:500:21:54

It's from the war. I'd like you to hit the music, please.

0:21:540:21:58

-Do the best you can.

-OK.

0:21:580:22:00

# We'll meet again

0:22:020:22:06

# Don't know where, don't know when

0:22:060:22:11

# But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day... #

0:22:110:22:17

-Join in with me, dear!

-I'll try.

0:22:180:22:21

# ..Keep smiling through... # Join in!

0:22:210:22:25

-TOGETHER:

-# Just like you always do

0:22:250:22:30

# Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away. #

0:22:300:22:38

Well done, dear. You know how to prerecord yourself, anyway.

0:22:380:22:42

-Thank you very much. I'm going now.

-That was my granny.

0:22:440:22:48

What I would like to do now is try

0:22:480:22:50

and bring people together with my comedy.

0:22:500:22:52

I wonder if you would join me on stage. What was your name? Louise.

0:22:520:22:56

Can we give it up for Louise, please?

0:22:560:22:58

Thank you very much. Here we go. I'm going to give you a little makeover.

0:22:580:23:02

It will take the heat off. You don't have to worry about what you say.

0:23:020:23:05

-All right. Are you comfortable? Face the front.

-Oh, this is lovely!

0:23:050:23:11

-This is exciting!

-OK.

-I'm glad I sat in the front row!

0:23:130:23:20

-Yeah.

-You're glad you sat in the front row?

0:23:200:23:23

And I felt comfortable enough to take my shoes off.

0:23:230:23:26

-So you came with this guy?

-Yeah, isn't he lovely?

0:23:300:23:34

-Yes, but you're not together?

-Not yet, anyway.

-Really?

0:23:340:23:38

-You'd like to be?

-I'd love to be!

-Are you sure?

0:23:380:23:42

-It seemed like there was a bit of tension.

-Just sexual tension.

0:23:420:23:46

-Are you sure?

-I think he's lovely.

0:23:460:23:48

-Really?

-I love his sweaty head.

0:23:480:23:51

Do you?

0:23:510:23:52

-He is so butch.

-OK.

-Yes, I'd like to run my hand over his sweaty head.

0:23:540:23:59

-OK. Well, before you get carried away...

-I feel liberated!

0:23:590:24:03

I can say anything!

0:24:030:24:04

-It IS a sex shop I work in.

-Is it? That's a surprise.

0:24:090:24:14

I thought Granny was being facetious.

0:24:140:24:16

-No, she hit the nail on the head.

-Anyway, this friend of yours, you kind of like him?

0:24:160:24:21

-Yes, can you get him up here?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, get him up here now,

0:24:210:24:24

I'll tell him how I really feel.

0:24:240:24:26

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

0:24:260:24:28

-Can you come on up?

-Come on up!

-Thank you very much.

-Ooh, here he comes!

0:24:280:24:35

Oh, God! Look how tall he is!

0:24:350:24:39

OK, I was wondering, can I give you the same treatment? Thank you very much.

0:24:390:24:45

And I am just going to put this on you.

0:24:450:24:48

Oh God, your eyes have completely disappeared.

0:24:480:24:53

-All right. How are you?

-I'm loving this! She's gone away.

0:24:530:24:59

Come back here, now! We're going to have it all out tonight.

0:24:590:25:03

I've gone all funny!

0:25:080:25:10

-You all right?

-Yeah, the drugs are kicking in!

0:25:120:25:16

I knew they would, round about now.

0:25:170:25:20

-Do you want to walk forward a little bit?

-All the way to the altar!

0:25:230:25:27

-Are you sure?

-Hasn't she got sexy feet?

-Yes, she's got lovely feet.

0:25:270:25:34

-Thank you. I'll put them on your head later.

-This is going wrong.

0:25:340:25:39

-This is disgusting.

-So you're not together?

-Not yet, no.

0:25:390:25:44

-I'm planning something later.

-Really?

-Oh, what is it?

0:25:440:25:49

-Marriage proposal?

-Yes, indeed.

-Is it really?

0:25:490:25:52

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I think that's what he's planning.

-It is.

0:25:520:25:56

-She read my mind.

-I don't want you to be under any pressure.

0:25:560:26:00

-No pressure felt. This has been building up.

-You're not even dating!

-No!

0:26:000:26:05

I just said that because I'm not really with him.

0:26:050:26:09

-What do you mean?

-I'm married to someone else. I shouldn't be here tonight.

0:26:090:26:12

I'm laughing through the truth.

0:26:160:26:18

-I don't want to hurry things...

-Yeah, but let's see if she'll kiss me.

0:26:180:26:24

-Really? You want a kiss?

-Yes, can't wait.

-Are you sure?

0:26:240:26:28

Yeah, let's just clap our faces together.

0:26:280:26:31

-And let the magic continue from there.

-All right,

0:26:310:26:35

-I think this is about the end of the time I have on set...

-Let's just get on with it then, shall we?

0:26:350:26:41

-You feeling all right?

-Yeah, I'm very excited.

0:26:410:26:43

You can sit down any time.

0:26:440:26:46

-I'm not sitting down, not till I've had my kiss!

-Here, I'm ready!

0:26:460:26:49

-I'm ready.

-Here I come.

0:26:490:26:52

I love insurance!

0:26:520:26:54

-Come on, let's kiss.

-Oh, please do, I'll never get offstage!

-Thank you.

0:26:570:27:02

You're gorgeous.

0:27:020:27:04

Wow, well done, guys. You were awesome. Thank you so much.

0:27:040:27:09

Give a huge round of applause.

0:27:090:27:12

Ladies and gentlemen, the extraordinary Nina Conti!

0:27:180:27:23

That's all we've got time for tonight.

0:27:250:27:27

I'm Susan Calman and you have been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!

0:27:270:27:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:510:27:55

Hosted by Susan Calman, BBC Scotland has handpicked the very best Scottish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

A jam-packed tent-full of some of the funniest names in stand-up including Janey Godley and Des Clarke.


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