Scotland Part 1 Comedy At The Fringe

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

Hello and welcome to BBC Scotland's Comedy At The Fringe.

I'm Susan Calman and you're Edinburgh!

APPLAUSE

I'm from Glasgow myself. I'm from Glasgow. Thank you very much.

Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.

It's the accent, the way we can make a compliment sound quite threatening.

For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby."

Sounds a wee bit different, eh?

You can't see on this stage but I'm quite a tiny person.

I am quite tiny. Yes, again.

Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie? How tall are you, gorgeous?

-Just under five foot.

-Just under five foot? Snap!

I'm four foot 11.

Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.

That is where the similarity ends.

I am aware of that.

I have one talent being the short one talented is absolutely outstanding.

I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

It's quite an expensive hobby but I really enjoy it.

There's a few disadvantages being this short.

I get IDd. I'm 37. You're quite young.

I get IDd all the time for booze and stuff.

I went to a pub and asked for a pint. They said, "Have you got any ID?"

I said, "I'm 37." He said, "Have you got any ID?"

I said, "Would I make that up, seriously? Who wants to be 37?"

I would have said 18, 19, 20 at a push. I'm really grumpy.

I love the festival, I adore the festival.

I've had some bad times at the festival. 2006 I did my first show.

I gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.

My parents were desperately disappointed.

Being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian!

Or spinster, as they like to call me.

2006, I did a show at the Edinburgh Festival, £7,500,

I will get on the telly, living the dream. No bother at all.

I did a show. Two people came to see the show for the whole month.

Two Irishmen came, sat in the front row,

punched each other in the crotch for an hour.

It was a happening.

I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, I was flyering, please come and see my show.

Dear God, come and see my show. Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.

I turned around, I expected to see a rugby player or a ninja.

It was a 12-year-old boy.

Now, I had two choices, right? Two choices. I could have let him go

or chased him down the Royal Mile and that's what I did!

As I was running, people were shouting,

"Why is wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile!"

And I caught him.

I don't know who was more surprised, me or him

because I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.

And again, I had two choices,

I could have let him go with a stern telling off or punched him back.

Give me a cheer if you would have punched him back?

AUDIENCE CHEER

And that's what I did!

And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile I thought,

"This is what the festival is all about!"

Bring a little bit of Glasgow to the situation.

Someone said to me, "You never did that, you never did that." I was like, "I did."

You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. You lose it.

Like in Greggs, there's no discernible queueing pattern but you know where you are in the queue.

And then someone wonders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?" and you go, "Not today!

"Not on my watch!"

I almost got caught. The police were called.

But they said it was a brother and a sister having a tussle.

We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you ready for a great comedian?

AUDIENCE WHOOP

Better than that, are you ready for a great comedian?

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof for the awesome Janey Godley.

APPLAUSE

How are we doing, people?

My name is Janey. I am from the east end of Glasgow.

I come from a place where an Oxo cube is a starter.

I'm from a place where the Catholics hate the Protestants,

the Protestants hate the Catholics,

occasionally a brown person turned up and took the heat off everybody.

Good on you.

Also, just to let you know, that as a mother I've got a child. I know what you're thinking -

how did that happen?

I'm 51 and I've reached an age... I know, this skin is beautiful.

-AUDIENCE:

-I love you, Janey!

You're scaring me, Mum!

Which is weird cos my mum's dead.

Anyway, I've reached the brilliant age at 51 which is amazing

because when I was 30 I was terrified people wouldn't like me,

"Look at me, come to my house for dinner."

At 40, I would have you round the tea.

At 51 I've realised I don't fecking like anybody.

"Get out of my house!" I only like five folk.

One came out of me, one goes in me and the other three are comedians.

APPLAUSE

And most of them have been here tonight.

My daughter Ashley is 26 and she went to a private school in Glasgow.

I'm hard-core working-class but my daughter is middle-class. She knows what cous cous is.

I thought it was a disease you got if you touched a boy fae Castlemilk!

But Ashley went to a private school, 75 grand's worth of private education.

That is a lot of heroin to shift. OK?

I'm joking, I own the pub, same effect, different drug.

Anyway, Ashley went to a posh school and as you can tell,

I'm not really one of those mothers that can bake.

I am no' a posh woman.

You know the kind of woman who have a scarf for every day of the week.

The kind of woman who bake. I don't understand that. Just buy a cake!

They sell that shit in the shops. Seriously, just buy it.

Who's blending flour into sugar, are you mad?

The kind of woman you and I know has never had sex up against a fridge.

Come on, we're Scottish!

We can have sex up against a fridge and fry an omelette!

As soon as you're finished, mate, there's some fried goods here.

These women hated me.

They used to look at me and go, "I know who you are."

"You're that little girl in junior six's mum, the comedienne.

I'd say, "Actually I'm a hooker and your husband owes me a fiver!"

So, I love men. When you see female stand-ups, you always assume, "They hate me."

I love men. I'll tell you why. Men like five things.

They like their house, kids, job, sex and sausages.

And if you show them a picture of a shark they're over the moon.

If you said, "I'm going to give you sex and a sausage

"and then show you a shark," he'd be like, "I'm going to tile your bathroom, bitch."

Totally.

Men love that stuff.

I love the fact that men love sex and sausages and sharks.

I think that would be the cure for world peace.

If Kofi Annan ever has time off, I would go to the Middle East,

stand on a car, get a loudspeaker and go, "Everybody calm down.

"We have sex and sausages, clearly not pork. That would be offensive.

"And then we are going to show you that and give you a shark."

The Al-Qaeda would be like that, "I'm done with this now."

Obviously no' in a Scottish accent. "I'm done with this.

"There's a woman out there going to give us sex and sausages

"and I am going to find out what a shark is."

It'd be brilliant. Women are different. Women approach a relationship like this...

CLICKS

"I'm an emotional Rubik's cube, can you work me out yet?"

Poor men are like, "I'll fecking give it a go."

"Are you pulling the stickers off that?"

"No. I just cannae work that out.

"Can I just have sex and a sausage, please?"

I'm going to end on this. I am 50.

I thought last year I was pregnant, terrifying,

nobody wants to be pregnant at 50.

I went to the chemist. I said to Ashley, "I think I'm pregnant."

She said, "It's no' mine."

Said, "You're a weird child, that's why I love you.

And then I ran to the chemist and like every woman in this room,

the minute you pay £25 for a pregnancy test, you're like, "I'd better be pregnant now!"

Came home, peed on it, gave it to Ashley

because she has to watch it because I have to have a fight with my man.

I'm like, "You. Aye, you! This is your fault. Come here!" He's like, "It's no' my fault."

Not only that, my husband has Asperger's

I have sex with a man who shouts, "Is that written in a black pen!"

So horny. Ooh!

And then Ashley went, "Mum, it's got two lines on it. You're pregnant!"

I went, "Oh!"

My husband made the noise all men make at a positive pregnancy test.

He went... (SUBDUED) .."Yay!"

And then Ashley went, "Ha ha! I'm joking. I drew a line on it."

My husband went, "Is that in a black pen?"

Guys...

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I've been Janey, good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Godley!

We have another act for you, ladies and gentlemen.

And he is absolutely remarkable. I want you to raise the roof, literally raise the roof.

It's the wonderful Mr Des Clarke.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone are we well?

Yes, it's good to have some people here tonight.

Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.

CHEERING

I could tell by the rumble of drunkenness in the room. I knew that.

I'm from Glasgow. It's nice being in Edinburgh. One "whoo". That's my mum, thank you.

She didn't know I was her son, so that's surprising.

I like being Scottish in Edinburgh when the festival is on.

You see a lot of tourists.

You get American tourists on the Royal Mile and I had two

approach me - "Are you from..." I don't know why I gave this woman a stroke...

"I can't feel my arm."

"I smell toast." This woman's dead.

"Are you from..."

Thanks for the single applause, that was a doctor trying to find a vein.

"Are you from Scotland?" "Yes, I'm from Scotland."

She's deaf now as well. I said, "Yes, I'm from Glasgow."

She said to me, "Is Glasgow the same as Edinburgh?" I was like, "What do you mean?"

She said, "The tourists in Edinburgh, we go for a ghost walk at night.

"Can you do that in Glasgow?"

"Well, you can go for a walk at night in Glasgow. You'll end up the ghost! Be my guest, love."

She never came through.

I like the fact the Olympics were on and Scotland embraced that.

I thought that was good.

I think part of it was the fact we have some events in Scotland.

We had the Olympic football at Hampden Park,

still managed to mess that up but hey.

If you're going to piss off certain countries,

try not to make it North Korea, is that all right?

We had the North Korean ladies football team walk out to the wrong flag.

If you're going to get the wrong flag, make it Estonia, Belgium, have a laugh.

Don't put South Korea up there.

The guy in charge of the flags, "North Korea, South Korea? Nae career. I'm finished."

The British Olympics suddenly became the Scottish Olympics. What a night. It was great(!)

We loved it and they came out and I thought it was good,

they tried to compare it to how it would be...like the Scotland team walking out to the England flag.

No, we have a bit of banter but it's hardly the same thing.

By comparison you're saying Scotland is some backward nation,

a cold depressing place with a small leader that wants to take over the world,

with access to nuclear weapons... It is quite similar, to be fair!

APPLAUSE Now I think about it.

Got a lot going on there.

I love Scotland, I love the fact we are proud of who we are,

and we watched the Olympic Opening Ceremony with pride and we loved it

apart from one small group of people, the small group in Glasgow

who have tasked with organising the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony

in two years, watching how good that was, going, "Aw, shite.

"Gonnae cancel the Krankies, it's not going to work.

"Get the big guns. Have you got a number for Subo and Lorraine Kelly?"

Yes, we have the Commonwealth Games,

the next big sporting event in Britain.

They're in Glasgow, we've no idea how we won the bid.

I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,

saw us walking about in tracksuits and thought, "They must be sporty."

"Give us your wallet!" There's 100 metres. "Thanks, mate." We love it.

We watched the last Commonwealth Games from Delhi in India.

"These are the most violent

"and aggressive Commonwealth Games of all time."

I was in Glasgow, "We'll see about that, big man.

"We've all got our own javelins. Get it up, you."

I love the little stories that come out of this.

There's a woman in Glasgow,

they're trying to move her out to build the stuff for the Commonwealth Games.

She did this reaction that I think certain women of a certain age have when they want to prove a point.

They move their head side to side when they're angry. "Don't you talk to me.

"I'm not moving oot. I don't care."

It's the opposite of guys trying to chat ladies up.

They move their head forward like a pigeon. "Would you like to have sex?"

"Don't talk to me."

Between the two of them, you've got all the compass points covered.

This little woman, "I am not moving house."

Good on her, she's lived there all her life.

They should be forced to build the whole Commonwealth Games around that wee woman.

It would be brilliant. She should live in the sandpit for the long jump, I'd love that!

Every two minutes, "That was never eight metres, you wank!"

I'd love that!

Listen, I need to go, I need the toilet.

But it's been lovely to speak to you people here tonight.

You will notice, the visitors that come and visit this great country,

that we are very lovable and friendly

but we're accidentally aggressive to each other.

Don't mind that. We are aggressive to each other even in couples.

I had an ex-girlfriend argue with me one night.

She hated me. For half an hour, she went, "Your eyelashes..."

Sorry - "Your eyelashes are too long! Right?"

INDISTINCT

She's right. The eyelashes are too long. There's nothing I can do about that.

"Your eyelashes are too long. That's no' fair, they don't belong on a guy."

I'm like, "I say nothing about your moustache, what's the problem?"

You've been amazing, Edinburgh! See you again soon. Thank you very much, good night.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Des Clarke! Beautiful.

Now, at the Edinburgh Fringe, sometimes things aren't particularly good.

What you need at this point is something to cheer you up.

You need a ray of sunshine, some happiness in your lives. And I've got that for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome onto the stage

essentially the epitome of everything that is joyous in life.

Please go wild and crazy

for the wonderful Mr Damien Crow!

CHEERING

-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

My name's Damien. Happy to be here.

You might think this is an unusual concept -

a Goth doing stand-up comedy.

That's only because you believe all the negative stereotypes about my people.

That we're miserable, depressed, unhappy. It's not true.

We like to have a good time. Like to have a good laugh.

Like to tell a good joke from time to time, you know? What's your name?

-Steve.

-Steve. Stupid name, isn't it?

How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb, Steve?

Don't know.

None! Leave the lights off, leave me alone!

SOBS

We are misrepresented in the media, so that makes it hard.

People think they understand me cos they've seen Newt in Hollyoaks. That's just not fair.

I thought my gran might understand me because she is from an older generation, a bit less pretentious.

But she doesn't get it. The last time I visited, she turned off all the lights in the house.

I had to say, "I'm a Goth, a Goth, not a bloody moth. Jesus Christ!"

They don't understand me or my sound that I'm trying to produce. Yeah.

Not only is it the most aesthetically pleasing instrument a Goth can play, it is also a very powerful beast.

When my dad first got me this, so I could play at family gatherings, I wanted to rebel.

I didn't want to play the way he wanted it to be played. I thought, "I'll just play the black keys."

But there's really not a lot you can do with just the black keys,

other than the knuckle song. And it's not very good.

APPLAUSE

No, it's shit. Don't. It's not good enough.

I thought, "I can't wallow in this self-pity. I need to step it up.

"What can I do to make this cooler? I could start my own band.

"Yeah, Damien Crow and the Black Knight of Dark Black Darkness."

And I could play music, but it's really hard to find sheet music for the music

I want to play, Goth metal, heavy metal, thrash metal and punk metal, and metal metal,

so I wasn't really getting any gigs.

I had to start playing music that I didn't necessarily want to play but it was the only thing I could do.

It doesn't really fit the image, but...

HE PLAYS JOLLY TUNE

I'm deadly serious, I'm available for weddings and ceilidhs and seances, if anyone's interested.

But there you go.

That's all from me, I got to go.

I really have two, my dad picks me up afterwards, so...

OK. I've been Damien Crow, thank you very much.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Damien Crow!

Are you ready for another act?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Better than that! Are you ready for another act?!

LOUD CHEERING

Please raise the roof for the wonderful Nina Conti!

Hi.

Hello. This year, I did a silly thing

and donated one of my favourite puppets to a museum in America.

And I missed her. So I've had her duplicated and she's here tonight.

It's my granny. Who is based on my own granny, who lived here in Edinburgh.

I'll just get her out of the bag.

-Gran?

-Yes, dear?

-You OK?

-Oh, lovely, dear.

-Fresh air!

-Yes.

-Hello, Edinburgh.

-Let's get you out.

What am I pointing at, dear?

Can't read it upside down.

Never mind my eyes are painted on.

All right, there you go. Comfortable?

-It's very hot in here tonight.

-I know.

-She's sort of sweating inside my head.

-I'm sorry.

-Right, now, who have we got here?

-What's your name, dear?

-Louise.

What do you do with your life, Louise? You work in a shop? That's lovely.

Is it an exciting shop? A naughty shop?

Not a naughty shop?

By the look of you and your leopardskin, I thought it might be a wee bit risque.

Not at all. Is that your husband?

Do you know each other?

-Unfortunately, you do.

-You're together?

-No.

-Would you ever like to be?

-Are you single, sir?

-Er, yes.

-You are?

-And you are, too?

Oh, this is boding well!

I think you should use your comedy to bring people together.

-What do you do, dear?

-I work in an insurance company.

You work in an insurance company? OK, now let's get on with it.

This is hopeless!

It will make sense later.

We know enough about these two.

We don't have to go through the whole room. Look at them getting tense and hating it.

-Working out what profession they might say they do.

-OK, Gran.

-You are going to sing?

-I'd like to sing with you, dear.

-Oh no, I can't sing.

-Oh, come on, dear. A wee duet?

-No, I can't sing with you.

-Not simultaneously?

-No, I'd struggle!

-I'd struggle to sing simultaneously.

-Well, this is an old favourite.

It's from the war. I'd like you to hit the music, please.

-Do the best you can.

-OK.

# We'll meet again

# Don't know where, don't know when

# But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day... #

-Join in with me, dear!

-I'll try.

# ..Keep smiling through... # Join in!

-TOGETHER:

-# Just like you always do

# Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away. #

Well done, dear. You know how to prerecord yourself, anyway.

-Thank you very much. I'm going now.

-That was my granny.

What I would like to do now is try

and bring people together with my comedy.

I wonder if you would join me on stage. What was your name? Louise.

Can we give it up for Louise, please?

Thank you very much. Here we go. I'm going to give you a little makeover.

It will take the heat off. You don't have to worry about what you say.

-All right. Are you comfortable? Face the front.

-Oh, this is lovely!

-This is exciting!

-OK.

-I'm glad I sat in the front row!

-Yeah.

-You're glad you sat in the front row?

And I felt comfortable enough to take my shoes off.

-So you came with this guy?

-Yeah, isn't he lovely?

-Yes, but you're not together?

-Not yet, anyway.

-Really?

-You'd like to be?

-I'd love to be!

-Are you sure?

-It seemed like there was a bit of tension.

-Just sexual tension.

-Are you sure?

-I think he's lovely.

-Really?

-I love his sweaty head.

Do you?

-He is so butch.

-OK.

-Yes, I'd like to run my hand over his sweaty head.

-OK. Well, before you get carried away...

-I feel liberated!

I can say anything!

-It IS a sex shop I work in.

-Is it? That's a surprise.

I thought Granny was being facetious.

-No, she hit the nail on the head.

-Anyway, this friend of yours, you kind of like him?

-Yes, can you get him up here?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, get him up here now,

I'll tell him how I really feel.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Can you come on up?

-Come on up!

-Thank you very much.

-Ooh, here he comes!

Oh, God! Look how tall he is!

OK, I was wondering, can I give you the same treatment? Thank you very much.

And I am just going to put this on you.

Oh God, your eyes have completely disappeared.

-All right. How are you?

-I'm loving this! She's gone away.

Come back here, now! We're going to have it all out tonight.

I've gone all funny!

-You all right?

-Yeah, the drugs are kicking in!

I knew they would, round about now.

-Do you want to walk forward a little bit?

-All the way to the altar!

-Are you sure?

-Hasn't she got sexy feet?

-Yes, she's got lovely feet.

-Thank you. I'll put them on your head later.

-This is going wrong.

-This is disgusting.

-So you're not together?

-Not yet, no.

-I'm planning something later.

-Really?

-Oh, what is it?

-Marriage proposal?

-Yes, indeed.

-Is it really?

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I think that's what he's planning.

-It is.

-She read my mind.

-I don't want you to be under any pressure.

-No pressure felt. This has been building up.

-You're not even dating!

-No!

I just said that because I'm not really with him.

-What do you mean?

-I'm married to someone else. I shouldn't be here tonight.

I'm laughing through the truth.

-I don't want to hurry things...

-Yeah, but let's see if she'll kiss me.

-Really? You want a kiss?

-Yes, can't wait.

-Are you sure?

Yeah, let's just clap our faces together.

-And let the magic continue from there.

-All right,

-I think this is about the end of the time I have on set...

-Let's just get on with it then, shall we?

-You feeling all right?

-Yeah, I'm very excited.

You can sit down any time.

-I'm not sitting down, not till I've had my kiss!

-Here, I'm ready!

-I'm ready.

-Here I come.

I love insurance!

-Come on, let's kiss.

-Oh, please do, I'll never get offstage!

-Thank you.

You're gorgeous.

Wow, well done, guys. You were awesome. Thank you so much.

Give a huge round of applause.

Ladies and gentlemen, the extraordinary Nina Conti!

That's all we've got time for tonight.

I'm Susan Calman and you have been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd