Scotland Part 2 Comedy At The Fringe


Scotland Part 2

Hosted by Susan Calman. BBC Scotland has handpicked the very best Scottish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

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Hello, this is Comedy At The Fringe,

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with some of the funniest acts from this year's Fringe Festival!

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AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

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I'm having fun. I really am enjoying

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the Festival hugely this year.

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I haven't had a lot of food, but it's fine.

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I'm living on my own here.

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I love food. One of my favourite hobbies in the world is eating.

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I try and eat as many Ferrero Rochers as I can in a minute.

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You know that world record you shouldn't beat yourself?

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I just do it myself.

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Sit in my pants, watching Loose Women, eating Ferrero Rochers.

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I've got a law degree. Who cares?

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But one thing that confuses me, right? It confuses me.

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Gentlemen, you may not know this.

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I read a survey recently, and it was shocking. Shocking!

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It said that eight out of ten women - EIGHT out of ten women -

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have hidden food

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from themselves!

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Never in my life have I sat on a Saturday night

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with a tube of Jaffa Cakes

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and thought, "I'd better hide them."

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Then half an hour later thought,

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"Where are the Jaffa Cakes? They're in the washing machine!"

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Women never forget anything. That's the point of a woman!

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But it is strange. There were two women in a gig recently,

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I said, "Have you ever hidden food from yourselves?"

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They said, "Oh, no. We're flatmates. We hide food from each other."

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I said, "What a cracking Saturday night you two must have."

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"Take the chocolate cake, Morag." "I'm away, Shona, I'm away!"

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It must be lovely, Monday morning, you open your pants drawer

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and there's just a cake there.

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About a month and a half ago... You may not be interested, but anyway,

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-month and a half ago, I got married!

-AUDIENCE CHEER

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Thanks very much. I didn't really get married,

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being as I am a gay.

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I got civil-partnered, that's the term. It's a term I don't like.

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It's quite aggressive. It sounds like an assault at a taxi rank.

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"What d'you do Friday?" "Had a kebab, got civil-partnered."

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There was only one condition when I got civil-partnered.

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Ching, ching, check out the bling, I'm a Kardashian...

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Don't know what that is. I saw it on Twitter.

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It was a diamond ring. I wanted a diamond ring.

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My wife said, "Why a diamond ring?

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"You're not materialistic. You're not into that."

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I said, "I'll tell you why I want a diamond ring. Hart To Hart."

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If you don't know Hart To Hart... Does anyone remember it?

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In the old days when we had three channels, it was that or Quincy.

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Hart To Hart was amazing. Jonathan and Jennifer Hart were millionaires.

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When they met, it was murder!

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They had a wee dog called Freeway and a butler called Max.

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And in this episode, that has stayed with me for 30 years -

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I watched it when I was eight years old and it stayed with me -

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in this episode of Hart To Hart,

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Jennifer Hart was trapped in a giant glass box

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that was slowly filling with poison gas. Why?

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It's irrelevant.

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Luckily, that very morning,

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Jonathan, her husband, gave her a giant diamond ring,

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and she cut her way out of the glass box.

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Now, I'm a worrier.

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And I have always been concerned that that might happen to me.

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It's not top of the list of what might happen in Glasgow,

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but you never know.

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Some of you here are thinking that's impossible. Wrong. Improbable.

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And those of you thinking,

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"That's out of order, Susan, you go too far,"

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you'd better hope

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that if you're ever trapped in a glass box filling with poison gas,

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that I'm there.

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You'll be like, "We're going to die!"

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I'll be like, "Calm down. Jesus Christ!

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"Off we pop. Come on, everybody!"

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We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.

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Will you please give it up for Daniel Sloss!

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AUDIENCE CHEER & APPLAUD

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Seriously building this up so much more - it's going to be shit.

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Let me tell you about my year. Got a haircut.

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CROWD WHOOPS

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It's... Yeah. It's not that good, but thanks.

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I got my haircut for several reasons.

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First, I genuinely thought it would make me look older. THAT backfired.

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I'd had this hair since I was 15, then Justin Bieber turned up

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and everybody said, "You look like Justin Bieber,"

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and I was like, "Well, I don't want that, cos I'm straight,"

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so I got it cut to this length

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and then found out Justin Bieber has also just had his hair cut.

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So next year, I'm going to fuckin' kill myself,

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and...

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You're welcome, society!

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AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHOOPS

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Make my birthday a national holiday.

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Don't. It's September 11th. Er...

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Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet. Erm... Yep.

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That's my genuine birthday. That's the standard reaction.

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"When's your birthday?"

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"September 11th." HE GASPS

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I didn't do it.

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Jeez! It's not like my uncle said, "What d'you want for your birthday?,"

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and I went, "Oh, surprise me."

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Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama. No!

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Sitting there, watching the news, going, "Fuck!

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"A card would've done." Er...

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I moved out this year. That's a big step. It was very weird.

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It's hard on parents when a child moves out. One parent.

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One cares, the other one doesn't really give a crap.

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See if you can work out which of my parents was more upset.

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You've obviously got two choices, despite the fact I am from Fife.

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CROWD CHEERS

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You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum, or...

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or my stepdad.

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Now, I'll give you another clue. He's not actually my stepdad.

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I just call him that to piss him off.

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"Call me Dad." "Shut up, Martin!"

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I am a proper Mummy's boy. I really am. I love my mum. She's amazing.

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She's had four kids, and she loves us all the same,

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but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.

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She'll always say she was blessed with me and gifted with my sister,

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then she had my brother,

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and she'll always remember the day she was diagnosed with the other one.

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We were all intentional, though, which is good,

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cos my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.

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Her sister is Auntie Abortion, which is a cruel nickname,

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but she's had, like, five.

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SOME APPLAUSE

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That was a tester joke.

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Some of you passed.

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Some of you should have been aborted.

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I am a Mummy's boy. I do like my dad, though. He's great.

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He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.

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I'm not a hardcore atheist. I don't hate religious people.

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If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, I wish I had that faith.

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I wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...

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I'm genuinely not against religion. I've got an uncle who's a minister.

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He's 5' 2", so we call him a Mini-ster.

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He hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?

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"Oooh!"

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"Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?"

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The thing that's quite annoying,

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he does that thing that a lot of religious people do,

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and he quotes the Bible at me.

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"Daniel, you will know the truth

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"and the truth will set you free - John 8:32."

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Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

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"To know what a man is truly like,

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"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals -

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"Harry Potter, The Goblet Of Fire!"

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Exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.

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Harry Potter fans are slightly less annoying than fans of the Bible,

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cos they've definitely started less wars.

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Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.

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I hate Twilight. Allow me to summarise all four films for you.

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"JACOB!" "What?" PFF! Done.

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Very quickly,

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you've got three main characters - Jacob, who's a weird werewolf guy,

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you've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire...

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If you don't know Robert Pattinson,

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he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

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..and then you've got Bella Swan,

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the most miserable woman that ever existed in fact or fiction.

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It's like she's always on her period, which I imagine he fucking loves.

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That'll do. AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Please clap and cheer and welcome to the stage

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the wonderful Mr Iain Stirling!

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AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

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Yes, Edinburgh, how are we?

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AUDIENCE CHEER

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We are on-the-red-button men. We are living the dream.

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It's good, the red button.

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I'm quite young, but old enough to remember certain things.

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I'm old enough to remember when television was good.

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Do you remember when MasterChef was good? Remember that?

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Loyd Grossman, three kitchens, no messing about. It was amazing.

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Now, MasterChef is the most needlessly dramatic programme

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in the entire world.

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All MasterChef is now is cooking to a time limit.

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Do you know what else is cooking to a time limit? Cooking. Right?

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The start of MasterChef these days is this...

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IN DEEP VOICE: This is as tough as cooking gets.

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I'm like, no, it's not.

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Clearly, you've never got home at 4:00 in the morning,

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pissed out of your mind, and thought,

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"I am making a quiche. I am..."

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And then woke up four hours later in the oven. That is tough.

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Drunken MasterChef would be the greatest programme of all time.

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Just going... "Oh, the Blue Kitchen is making a carbonara."

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The guy's knackered. He's like, "Aye, erm...

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"I'm cooking the bacon. Erm...

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"..in a wok,

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"in a microwave,

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"from my bath."

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"The Red Kitchen, you appear to be seasoning your dish."

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She's like, "Yeah, erm, I thought it was pepper,

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"it's actually chocolate sprinkles, so I'm, erm..."

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The voiceover lady would have her work cut out,

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she'd have no idea what's going on.

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"Mmm. It appears Kimberley has skipped her dessert

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"and instead put a traffic cone on the fridge."

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By the end, there's no cooking going on.

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The guy in the Blue Kitchen is knackered,

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he's just like, "So I'm cooking... Oh, God.

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"I shouldn't have done that Jager, missus.

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"I said to them, I can do sambuca but I can't do Jager.

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"It's too thick. It's too thick!

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"I was cooking the bacon,

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"and then instead, I just done a poo in the wok."

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Television's weird, though. Whole areas of the country can be ruined.

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I live in Manchester. Beside it is Chester, lovely part of the country.

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Chester's been ruined by a Channel 4 show called Hollyoaks.

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Do we know Hollyoaks?

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Horribly vacuous show, teaches kids who have no talent to go on TV.

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For those who don't know Hollyoaks,

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it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.

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Four people clapping. The rest of you are wrong.

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Honestly, it's a ridiculous show.

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I was watching the Sunday omnibus of the Hollyoaks show...

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The only reason to watch the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks is

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if you are a 14-year-old boy

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that doesn't have an internet connection.

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"I was wanking, right, but..."

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"I was furious, like..." HE GRUNTS

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There's no narrative structure. Come on!

0:13:200:13:23

It's ambitious.

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They try and deal with the big issues in Hollyoaks.

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In the credits, a little guy comes up going,

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"If you are experiencing

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"any of the issues

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"experienced by the people in Hollyoaks,

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"call this number."

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So, I'm dead immature. I just went, "Hello!

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"I can't act. Erm...

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"Hello?

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"Hello?"

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I mean, I'm quite immature,

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but I think being immature is an important thing to have in life.

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I went to quite a rough working-class school,

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where the boys got in trouble and the girls got, like, pregnant.

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As we all know in this room, teenage pregnancy isn't funny.

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AUDIENCE LAUGH

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However, this is one of the funniest things in sex education.

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I once witnessed my Sexual Education teacher, Mr Walker,

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teach a heavily-pregnant 14-year-old girl how to put a condom

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on a banana.

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We were, like, "Mate, that ship has sailed."

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She's never seen a condom in her life, right?

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I mean, she's from Scotland, she's never seen a banana.

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But, erm... She's like that, she hasn't got a clue what's going on.

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Awkward tension falls over the class about this.

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But not me. A clown, a joker, if you will, emerges from the ashes

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and breaks the silence, goes, "Sir, you shouldnae be teaching her

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"how to put a condom on a banana -

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"you should be teaching her how to pull the banana out

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"and make it come on her tits!"

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Some of you are going, "That's dead funny, well done."

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Some of you are going, "He's not going to finish on that, is he?"

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To which I say, I've been Iain Stirling, goodnight, God bless.

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AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER

0:15:290:15:31

Ladies and gentlemen, Iain Stirling!

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Now, please give him a beautiful, beautiful welcome.

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He is one of the best acts we have in the United Kingdom.

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Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for the wonderful Mr Mark Nelson!

0:15:450:15:50

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

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-Ah. Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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How are you?

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Give me a cheer, Scottish people. CROWD WHOOPS

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Cheer if you're not from Scotland. SMALLER CROWD CHEERS

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Are you enjoying it? It's good. It's good.

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Got a lot to be proud of in this country.

0:16:120:16:15

We've got the most violent teenagers in Europe.

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We also have the most obese teenagers in Europe. So...

0:16:190:16:22

whenever I get chased by a gang,

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I like to make sure I take them past a Greggs.

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I don't come from one of the big cities like Glasgow or Edinburgh.

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I was born in the south of Scotland, in a place called Dumfries.

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CROWD WHOOPS Dumfries Massive in the house.

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I was born there. I was born as the result of an accident.

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My dad fell off his shed and my mum fucked his chiropractor.

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So...

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That's my deal.

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If you're visiting here,

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the weather's not always like this. This is too hot.

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I don't know if you remember our heat wave?

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We had a five-day heat wave in March.

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That was a lot, a lot.

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Three days is fine, three days is more of a curiosity.

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People looking out the window going, "There's that thing back again.

0:17:190:17:24

"Wonder how it works this year."

0:17:250:17:27

Five days, people are losing their minds.

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Guys constructing a Wicker Man in their back gardens.

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Burning a goat, trying to appease the yellow monster in the sky.

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What you won't know if you're visiting is that

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our five-day heat wave decimated our ginger population.

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So, this...

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In this country, we used to be 98% ginger people.

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We have two left.

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That's them, up there.

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But what... What we're going to do is,

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we're going to send them to a zoo in China...

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..going to try and get them to mate.

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Ginger people don't mate naturally.

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Even they are disgusted by their own appearance.

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Obviously, you're enjoying the Fringe.

0:18:340:18:37

Not the only big thing happening in Britain this month.

0:18:370:18:40

In the news, start of August, I saw people running around London

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in tracksuits with flaming torches,

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I thought, "Fuck, it's just like last summer!"

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-Did you enjoy the Olympics? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

0:18:530:18:57

I was quite cynical before it. But I really loved it.

0:18:570:19:00

They don't really make the Olympics accessible with people.

0:19:000:19:04

They allowed Dwain Chambers in.

0:19:040:19:06

But they said, "You're not allowed to take drugs."

0:19:060:19:10

That's taking the fun away a bit, isn't it? Let the boy take drugs.

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In fact, just get normal people in and pump them full of drugs.

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No-one really wants to see an athlete who's dedicated their life

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doing really well at something.

0:19:230:19:25

You want to see some big fat bastard run the 100 metres in three seconds.

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I don't want to see someone throw a javelin,

0:19:330:19:36

I want to see someone CATCH a fucking javelin.

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I'm going to go in a minute. I'm driving home.

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Can you drive? Big man in the front row, can you drive?

0:19:460:19:49

-How long have you been driving, sir?

-20 years.

0:19:490:19:51

20 years? Good man. I've just passed my test. I'm 31.

0:19:510:19:57

Quite sad. Yeah. Thank you.

0:19:570:20:00

Quite glad I've left it this long to learn to drive.

0:20:000:20:03

See, when you can drive, you become a dick.

0:20:030:20:07

I never knew I was capable of the level of anger I'm now capable of.

0:20:070:20:12

I honestly think you could burst into my house, burn it down,

0:20:120:20:16

kill every single member of my family,

0:20:160:20:19

destroy everything I love and cherish

0:20:190:20:22

and I still wouldn't be half as angry at you

0:20:220:20:24

as the fact that you went through a gap and didn't give me a wee wave.

0:20:240:20:28

Are you an angry driver? Do you get the road rage? Yeah?

0:20:330:20:36

My wife was always getting the road rage.

0:20:360:20:39

Somebody would do something to her, a car, and she chased them.

0:20:390:20:44

I'd look at her and go, "What are you doing?" "We're going to chase 'em."

0:20:440:20:49

Then she'd go up the side of them, doing that.

0:20:490:20:53

"What now?" "I want to stop and get out."

0:20:530:20:56

"No, you don't! Who do you think he's going to hit?"

0:20:560:21:00

The guy'll get out of his car, raging,

0:21:000:21:03

"I'm going to smack you one, mate."

0:21:030:21:05

"Well, I'll stop you there, sir. It was actually my wife driving.

0:21:050:21:09

"Feel free to get her, though, she was driving like a maniac."

0:21:090:21:14

I get angry now. I get angry if you don't get angry.

0:21:140:21:18

If you don't get road rage, I'll get raging at you.

0:21:180:21:21

I was in the car with my dad. He's a very calm driver.

0:21:210:21:24

We were on a motorway and a guy cut him up and I said, "After him, Dad.

0:21:240:21:28

"I'll give him the finger through the window."

0:21:280:21:31

My dad said one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

0:21:310:21:36

He said, "Look, if there's any fingering to be done in this car,

0:21:360:21:39

"it'll be done by me."

0:21:390:21:40

"Aye, just let me off at the next lay-by, Dad."

0:21:440:21:48

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been lovely talking to you.

0:21:480:21:53

Enjoy the rest of your night. Thank you so, so much! Goodnight.

0:21:530:21:56

-AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

-Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Nelson!

0:21:560:22:01

Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for your next act.

0:22:010:22:05

It's Stephen Carlin!

0:22:050:22:07

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

0:22:090:22:11

Woo. Thank you very much, folks.

0:22:150:22:18

Good morning.

0:22:180:22:20

CROWD WHOOPS

0:22:200:22:22

Yes, I'm Stephen Carlin.

0:22:220:22:24

As you can see, I'm currently going for the whole Peter Sutcliffe,

0:22:240:22:30

Yorkshire Ripper look.

0:22:300:22:33

A few of you enjoying that a bit too much.

0:22:330:22:36

Yeah. I'm not him, OK? Just a comparison.

0:22:360:22:40

I've never killed any prostitutes...

0:22:400:22:43

WOMEN CHEER

0:22:430:22:45

..in the Yorkshire area.

0:22:460:22:48

Although, I do have a worse confession, and that is

0:22:500:22:52

I don't drink alcohol anymore.

0:22:520:22:55

CROWD BOOS

0:22:550:22:57

Exactly. It's the wrong thing to say to a late-night Scottish audience.

0:22:570:23:02

Can you imagine how hard it is being Scottish

0:23:020:23:05

and having to come out to your parents as a non-drinker?

0:23:050:23:10

Yeah, I had to sit them down, break the news to them gently,

0:23:100:23:15

get them a little bit pissed.

0:23:150:23:17

My dad was trying to talk me out of it, saying,

0:23:170:23:20

"Stephen, you've just not met the right drink yet."

0:23:200:23:25

I used to drink. I drank for ages, I was really good at it.

0:23:250:23:29

I don't want to say quit. I hate that.

0:23:290:23:32

Quit sounds like those Americans who think they're alcoholic

0:23:320:23:36

because they drink one bottle of wine a day.

0:23:360:23:40

A bottle of wine a day? That is not an alcoholic.

0:23:400:23:44

That is the mark of a gentleman.

0:23:440:23:48

Or a schoolteacher.

0:23:480:23:51

CROWD WHOOPS

0:23:510:23:53

Quit sounds like I stormed out of alcohol in a huff,

0:23:530:23:58

like I wasn't getting on with it,

0:23:580:24:00

when I was getting on with it extremely well, thank you.

0:24:000:24:03

I retired from drinking.

0:24:030:24:06

I'm 36. I did a good 20 years in the business, man and boy,

0:24:060:24:11

before walking away at the top of my game.

0:24:110:24:14

Basically, one night, I was lying face-down in a pool of my own vomit,

0:24:140:24:19

I thought, "Do you know what? I've nailed this now.

0:24:190:24:23

"There's nowhere to go from here."

0:24:260:24:28

I've had all the different kinds of hangovers, I had it all down.

0:24:280:24:32

I nailed crossing the street by the most diagonal route possible,

0:24:320:24:37

telling people they were great when I hated them, just cos I was drunk,

0:24:370:24:43

I nailed getting home and forgetting how I'd got home.

0:24:430:24:48

CROWD CHEERS I used to love that,

0:24:480:24:50

get home and forget how you got home.

0:24:500:24:52

That was the closest my life ever came to genuine magic.

0:24:520:24:57

You wake up, you don't know where you are,

0:24:580:25:01

and you realise you're in your own room.

0:25:010:25:04

You're like, "Yes! I've done it again.

0:25:040:25:07

"100% record this week."

0:25:070:25:10

Nailed standing at a bar at three in the morning with a total stranger,

0:25:110:25:16

discussing how tomorrow we would set up a company together.

0:25:160:25:21

But in Scotland, we don't need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

0:25:210:25:26

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:25:260:25:28

We don't need alcohol for a good time.

0:25:280:25:31

No. We need heroin to have a good time.

0:25:310:25:34

Just a little bit. Just enough to be sociable.

0:25:360:25:40

Get you through those family occasions. Weddings and christenings.

0:25:400:25:45

It gets a bad press, and yet it's doing such a great job in Scotland.

0:25:450:25:49

Heroin's now the only thing standing between this country

0:25:490:25:54

and a complete tidal wave of obesity.

0:25:540:25:58

So, I don't drink alcohol. Um...

0:25:580:26:01

I drink beer.

0:26:010:26:04

Beer doesn't count as alcohol!

0:26:050:26:07

Beer's not proper alcohol.

0:26:070:26:10

A bottle of beer is, like, 5% alcohol.

0:26:100:26:13

That means 95% is not alcohol.

0:26:130:26:17

5%. That's nothing. I'm probably 5% gay.

0:26:170:26:22

I wouldn't even hug another man.

0:26:230:26:27

Adolf Hitler? 5% ambivalent about the Jews.

0:26:270:26:31

Hey. Listen. According to the internet, so obviously it's true,

0:26:340:26:39

bananas have got 10% of the DNA of humans.

0:26:390:26:43

So that means everybody here tonight, everybody watching this,

0:26:430:26:47

you're all more a banana than a bottle of beer is alcohol.

0:26:470:26:52

That is science fact.

0:26:520:26:54

So remember, the next time the police pull you over for drink-driving

0:26:540:26:59

and they say, "Sir, madam, have you been drinking alcohol?,"

0:26:590:27:03

you can say, "Well, officer, no more than that you are a piece of fruit."

0:27:030:27:08

And they'll love that, too.

0:27:080:27:10

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.

0:27:100:27:13

I'm Stephen Carlin, thank you very much.

0:27:130:27:17

-CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-Edinburgh, you've been amazing.

0:27:170:27:20

You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.

0:27:200:27:23

I've been Susan Calman. Goodnight!

0:27:230:27:25

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:420:27:46

Hosted by Susan Calman. BBC Scotland has handpicked the very best Scottish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

A jam-packed tent-full of some of the funniest names in stand-up including Daniel Sloss and Iain Stirling.


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