Scotland Part 2 Comedy At The Fringe

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

Hello, this is Comedy At The Fringe,

with some of the funniest acts from this year's Fringe Festival!

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

I'm having fun. I really am enjoying

the Festival hugely this year.

I haven't had a lot of food, but it's fine.

I'm living on my own here.

I love food. One of my favourite hobbies in the world is eating.

I try and eat as many Ferrero Rochers as I can in a minute.

You know that world record you shouldn't beat yourself?

I just do it myself.

Sit in my pants, watching Loose Women, eating Ferrero Rochers.

I've got a law degree. Who cares?

But one thing that confuses me, right? It confuses me.

Gentlemen, you may not know this.

I read a survey recently, and it was shocking. Shocking!

It said that eight out of ten women - EIGHT out of ten women -

have hidden food

from themselves!

Never in my life have I sat on a Saturday night

with a tube of Jaffa Cakes

and thought, "I'd better hide them."

Then half an hour later thought,

"Where are the Jaffa Cakes? They're in the washing machine!"

Women never forget anything. That's the point of a woman!

But it is strange. There were two women in a gig recently,

I said, "Have you ever hidden food from yourselves?"

They said, "Oh, no. We're flatmates. We hide food from each other."

I said, "What a cracking Saturday night you two must have."

"Take the chocolate cake, Morag." "I'm away, Shona, I'm away!"

It must be lovely, Monday morning, you open your pants drawer

and there's just a cake there.

About a month and a half ago... You may not be interested, but anyway,

-month and a half ago, I got married!

-AUDIENCE CHEER

Thanks very much. I didn't really get married,

being as I am a gay.

I got civil-partnered, that's the term. It's a term I don't like.

It's quite aggressive. It sounds like an assault at a taxi rank.

"What d'you do Friday?" "Had a kebab, got civil-partnered."

There was only one condition when I got civil-partnered.

Ching, ching, check out the bling, I'm a Kardashian...

Don't know what that is. I saw it on Twitter.

It was a diamond ring. I wanted a diamond ring.

My wife said, "Why a diamond ring?

"You're not materialistic. You're not into that."

I said, "I'll tell you why I want a diamond ring. Hart To Hart."

If you don't know Hart To Hart... Does anyone remember it?

In the old days when we had three channels, it was that or Quincy.

Hart To Hart was amazing. Jonathan and Jennifer Hart were millionaires.

When they met, it was murder!

They had a wee dog called Freeway and a butler called Max.

And in this episode, that has stayed with me for 30 years -

I watched it when I was eight years old and it stayed with me -

in this episode of Hart To Hart,

Jennifer Hart was trapped in a giant glass box

that was slowly filling with poison gas. Why?

It's irrelevant.

Luckily, that very morning,

Jonathan, her husband, gave her a giant diamond ring,

and she cut her way out of the glass box.

Now, I'm a worrier.

And I have always been concerned that that might happen to me.

It's not top of the list of what might happen in Glasgow,

but you never know.

Some of you here are thinking that's impossible. Wrong. Improbable.

And those of you thinking,

"That's out of order, Susan, you go too far,"

you'd better hope

that if you're ever trapped in a glass box filling with poison gas,

that I'm there.

You'll be like, "We're going to die!"

I'll be like, "Calm down. Jesus Christ!

"Off we pop. Come on, everybody!"

We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Will you please give it up for Daniel Sloss!

AUDIENCE CHEER & APPLAUD

Seriously building this up so much more - it's going to be shit.

Let me tell you about my year. Got a haircut.

CROWD WHOOPS

It's... Yeah. It's not that good, but thanks.

I got my haircut for several reasons.

First, I genuinely thought it would make me look older. THAT backfired.

I'd had this hair since I was 15, then Justin Bieber turned up

and everybody said, "You look like Justin Bieber,"

and I was like, "Well, I don't want that, cos I'm straight,"

so I got it cut to this length

and then found out Justin Bieber has also just had his hair cut.

So next year, I'm going to fuckin' kill myself,

and...

You're welcome, society!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHOOPS

Make my birthday a national holiday.

Don't. It's September 11th. Er...

Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet. Erm... Yep.

That's my genuine birthday. That's the standard reaction.

"When's your birthday?"

"September 11th." HE GASPS

I didn't do it.

Jeez! It's not like my uncle said, "What d'you want for your birthday?,"

and I went, "Oh, surprise me."

Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama. No!

Sitting there, watching the news, going, "Fuck!

"A card would've done." Er...

I moved out this year. That's a big step. It was very weird.

It's hard on parents when a child moves out. One parent.

One cares, the other one doesn't really give a crap.

See if you can work out which of my parents was more upset.

You've obviously got two choices, despite the fact I am from Fife.

CROWD CHEERS

You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum, or...

or my stepdad.

Now, I'll give you another clue. He's not actually my stepdad.

I just call him that to piss him off.

"Call me Dad." "Shut up, Martin!"

I am a proper Mummy's boy. I really am. I love my mum. She's amazing.

She's had four kids, and she loves us all the same,

but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.

She'll always say she was blessed with me and gifted with my sister,

then she had my brother,

and she'll always remember the day she was diagnosed with the other one.

We were all intentional, though, which is good,

cos my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.

Her sister is Auntie Abortion, which is a cruel nickname,

but she's had, like, five.

SOME APPLAUSE

That was a tester joke.

Some of you passed.

Some of you should have been aborted.

I am a Mummy's boy. I do like my dad, though. He's great.

He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.

I'm not a hardcore atheist. I don't hate religious people.

If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, I wish I had that faith.

I wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...

I'm genuinely not against religion. I've got an uncle who's a minister.

He's 5' 2", so we call him a Mini-ster.

He hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?

"Oooh!"

"Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?"

The thing that's quite annoying,

he does that thing that a lot of religious people do,

and he quotes the Bible at me.

"Daniel, you will know the truth

"and the truth will set you free - John 8:32."

Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?

"To know what a man is truly like,

"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals -

"Harry Potter, The Goblet Of Fire!"

Exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.

Harry Potter fans are slightly less annoying than fans of the Bible,

cos they've definitely started less wars.

Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.

I hate Twilight. Allow me to summarise all four films for you.

"JACOB!" "What?" PFF! Done.

Very quickly,

you've got three main characters - Jacob, who's a weird werewolf guy,

you've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire...

If you don't know Robert Pattinson,

he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

..and then you've got Bella Swan,

the most miserable woman that ever existed in fact or fiction.

It's like she's always on her period, which I imagine he fucking loves.

That'll do. AUDIENCE CHEERS

Please clap and cheer and welcome to the stage

the wonderful Mr Iain Stirling!

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

Yes, Edinburgh, how are we?

AUDIENCE CHEER

We are on-the-red-button men. We are living the dream.

It's good, the red button.

I'm quite young, but old enough to remember certain things.

I'm old enough to remember when television was good.

Do you remember when MasterChef was good? Remember that?

Loyd Grossman, three kitchens, no messing about. It was amazing.

Now, MasterChef is the most needlessly dramatic programme

in the entire world.

All MasterChef is now is cooking to a time limit.

Do you know what else is cooking to a time limit? Cooking. Right?

The start of MasterChef these days is this...

IN DEEP VOICE: This is as tough as cooking gets.

I'm like, no, it's not.

Clearly, you've never got home at 4:00 in the morning,

pissed out of your mind, and thought,

"I am making a quiche. I am..."

And then woke up four hours later in the oven. That is tough.

Drunken MasterChef would be the greatest programme of all time.

Just going... "Oh, the Blue Kitchen is making a carbonara."

The guy's knackered. He's like, "Aye, erm...

"I'm cooking the bacon. Erm...

"..in a wok,

"in a microwave,

"from my bath."

"The Red Kitchen, you appear to be seasoning your dish."

She's like, "Yeah, erm, I thought it was pepper,

"it's actually chocolate sprinkles, so I'm, erm..."

The voiceover lady would have her work cut out,

she'd have no idea what's going on.

"Mmm. It appears Kimberley has skipped her dessert

"and instead put a traffic cone on the fridge."

By the end, there's no cooking going on.

The guy in the Blue Kitchen is knackered,

he's just like, "So I'm cooking... Oh, God.

"I shouldn't have done that Jager, missus.

"I said to them, I can do sambuca but I can't do Jager.

"It's too thick. It's too thick!

"I was cooking the bacon,

"and then instead, I just done a poo in the wok."

Television's weird, though. Whole areas of the country can be ruined.

I live in Manchester. Beside it is Chester, lovely part of the country.

Chester's been ruined by a Channel 4 show called Hollyoaks.

Do we know Hollyoaks?

Horribly vacuous show, teaches kids who have no talent to go on TV.

For those who don't know Hollyoaks,

it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.

Four people clapping. The rest of you are wrong.

Honestly, it's a ridiculous show.

I was watching the Sunday omnibus of the Hollyoaks show...

The only reason to watch the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks is

if you are a 14-year-old boy

that doesn't have an internet connection.

"I was wanking, right, but..."

"I was furious, like..." HE GRUNTS

There's no narrative structure. Come on!

It's ambitious.

They try and deal with the big issues in Hollyoaks.

In the credits, a little guy comes up going,

"If you are experiencing

"any of the issues

"experienced by the people in Hollyoaks,

"call this number."

So, I'm dead immature. I just went, "Hello!

"I can't act. Erm...

"Hello?

"Hello?"

I mean, I'm quite immature,

but I think being immature is an important thing to have in life.

I went to quite a rough working-class school,

where the boys got in trouble and the girls got, like, pregnant.

As we all know in this room, teenage pregnancy isn't funny.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

However, this is one of the funniest things in sex education.

I once witnessed my Sexual Education teacher, Mr Walker,

teach a heavily-pregnant 14-year-old girl how to put a condom

on a banana.

We were, like, "Mate, that ship has sailed."

She's never seen a condom in her life, right?

I mean, she's from Scotland, she's never seen a banana.

But, erm... She's like that, she hasn't got a clue what's going on.

Awkward tension falls over the class about this.

But not me. A clown, a joker, if you will, emerges from the ashes

and breaks the silence, goes, "Sir, you shouldnae be teaching her

"how to put a condom on a banana -

"you should be teaching her how to pull the banana out

"and make it come on her tits!"

Some of you are going, "That's dead funny, well done."

Some of you are going, "He's not going to finish on that, is he?"

To which I say, I've been Iain Stirling, goodnight, God bless.

AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER

Ladies and gentlemen, Iain Stirling!

Now, please give him a beautiful, beautiful welcome.

He is one of the best acts we have in the United Kingdom.

Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for the wonderful Mr Mark Nelson!

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

-Ah. Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

How are you?

Give me a cheer, Scottish people. CROWD WHOOPS

Cheer if you're not from Scotland. SMALLER CROWD CHEERS

Are you enjoying it? It's good. It's good.

Got a lot to be proud of in this country.

We've got the most violent teenagers in Europe.

We also have the most obese teenagers in Europe. So...

whenever I get chased by a gang,

I like to make sure I take them past a Greggs.

I don't come from one of the big cities like Glasgow or Edinburgh.

I was born in the south of Scotland, in a place called Dumfries.

CROWD WHOOPS Dumfries Massive in the house.

I was born there. I was born as the result of an accident.

My dad fell off his shed and my mum fucked his chiropractor.

So...

That's my deal.

If you're visiting here,

the weather's not always like this. This is too hot.

I don't know if you remember our heat wave?

We had a five-day heat wave in March.

That was a lot, a lot.

Three days is fine, three days is more of a curiosity.

People looking out the window going, "There's that thing back again.

"Wonder how it works this year."

Five days, people are losing their minds.

Guys constructing a Wicker Man in their back gardens.

Burning a goat, trying to appease the yellow monster in the sky.

What you won't know if you're visiting is that

our five-day heat wave decimated our ginger population.

So, this...

In this country, we used to be 98% ginger people.

We have two left.

That's them, up there.

But what... What we're going to do is,

we're going to send them to a zoo in China...

..going to try and get them to mate.

Ginger people don't mate naturally.

Even they are disgusted by their own appearance.

Obviously, you're enjoying the Fringe.

Not the only big thing happening in Britain this month.

In the news, start of August, I saw people running around London

in tracksuits with flaming torches,

I thought, "Fuck, it's just like last summer!"

-Did you enjoy the Olympics? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

I was quite cynical before it. But I really loved it.

They don't really make the Olympics accessible with people.

They allowed Dwain Chambers in.

But they said, "You're not allowed to take drugs."

That's taking the fun away a bit, isn't it? Let the boy take drugs.

In fact, just get normal people in and pump them full of drugs.

No-one really wants to see an athlete who's dedicated their life

doing really well at something.

You want to see some big fat bastard run the 100 metres in three seconds.

I don't want to see someone throw a javelin,

I want to see someone CATCH a fucking javelin.

I'm going to go in a minute. I'm driving home.

Can you drive? Big man in the front row, can you drive?

-How long have you been driving, sir?

-20 years.

20 years? Good man. I've just passed my test. I'm 31.

Quite sad. Yeah. Thank you.

Quite glad I've left it this long to learn to drive.

See, when you can drive, you become a dick.

I never knew I was capable of the level of anger I'm now capable of.

I honestly think you could burst into my house, burn it down,

kill every single member of my family,

destroy everything I love and cherish

and I still wouldn't be half as angry at you

as the fact that you went through a gap and didn't give me a wee wave.

Are you an angry driver? Do you get the road rage? Yeah?

My wife was always getting the road rage.

Somebody would do something to her, a car, and she chased them.

I'd look at her and go, "What are you doing?" "We're going to chase 'em."

Then she'd go up the side of them, doing that.

"What now?" "I want to stop and get out."

"No, you don't! Who do you think he's going to hit?"

The guy'll get out of his car, raging,

"I'm going to smack you one, mate."

"Well, I'll stop you there, sir. It was actually my wife driving.

"Feel free to get her, though, she was driving like a maniac."

I get angry now. I get angry if you don't get angry.

If you don't get road rage, I'll get raging at you.

I was in the car with my dad. He's a very calm driver.

We were on a motorway and a guy cut him up and I said, "After him, Dad.

"I'll give him the finger through the window."

My dad said one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

He said, "Look, if there's any fingering to be done in this car,

"it'll be done by me."

"Aye, just let me off at the next lay-by, Dad."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been lovely talking to you.

Enjoy the rest of your night. Thank you so, so much! Goodnight.

-AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

-Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Nelson!

Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for your next act.

It's Stephen Carlin!

AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

Woo. Thank you very much, folks.

Good morning.

CROWD WHOOPS

Yes, I'm Stephen Carlin.

As you can see, I'm currently going for the whole Peter Sutcliffe,

Yorkshire Ripper look.

A few of you enjoying that a bit too much.

Yeah. I'm not him, OK? Just a comparison.

I've never killed any prostitutes...

WOMEN CHEER

..in the Yorkshire area.

Although, I do have a worse confession, and that is

I don't drink alcohol anymore.

CROWD BOOS

Exactly. It's the wrong thing to say to a late-night Scottish audience.

Can you imagine how hard it is being Scottish

and having to come out to your parents as a non-drinker?

Yeah, I had to sit them down, break the news to them gently,

get them a little bit pissed.

My dad was trying to talk me out of it, saying,

"Stephen, you've just not met the right drink yet."

I used to drink. I drank for ages, I was really good at it.

I don't want to say quit. I hate that.

Quit sounds like those Americans who think they're alcoholic

because they drink one bottle of wine a day.

A bottle of wine a day? That is not an alcoholic.

That is the mark of a gentleman.

Or a schoolteacher.

CROWD WHOOPS

Quit sounds like I stormed out of alcohol in a huff,

like I wasn't getting on with it,

when I was getting on with it extremely well, thank you.

I retired from drinking.

I'm 36. I did a good 20 years in the business, man and boy,

before walking away at the top of my game.

Basically, one night, I was lying face-down in a pool of my own vomit,

I thought, "Do you know what? I've nailed this now.

"There's nowhere to go from here."

I've had all the different kinds of hangovers, I had it all down.

I nailed crossing the street by the most diagonal route possible,

telling people they were great when I hated them, just cos I was drunk,

I nailed getting home and forgetting how I'd got home.

CROWD CHEERS I used to love that,

get home and forget how you got home.

That was the closest my life ever came to genuine magic.

You wake up, you don't know where you are,

and you realise you're in your own room.

You're like, "Yes! I've done it again.

"100% record this week."

Nailed standing at a bar at three in the morning with a total stranger,

discussing how tomorrow we would set up a company together.

But in Scotland, we don't need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

We don't need alcohol for a good time.

No. We need heroin to have a good time.

Just a little bit. Just enough to be sociable.

Get you through those family occasions. Weddings and christenings.

It gets a bad press, and yet it's doing such a great job in Scotland.

Heroin's now the only thing standing between this country

and a complete tidal wave of obesity.

So, I don't drink alcohol. Um...

I drink beer.

Beer doesn't count as alcohol!

Beer's not proper alcohol.

A bottle of beer is, like, 5% alcohol.

That means 95% is not alcohol.

5%. That's nothing. I'm probably 5% gay.

I wouldn't even hug another man.

Adolf Hitler? 5% ambivalent about the Jews.

Hey. Listen. According to the internet, so obviously it's true,

bananas have got 10% of the DNA of humans.

So that means everybody here tonight, everybody watching this,

you're all more a banana than a bottle of beer is alcohol.

That is science fact.

So remember, the next time the police pull you over for drink-driving

and they say, "Sir, madam, have you been drinking alcohol?,"

you can say, "Well, officer, no more than that you are a piece of fruit."

And they'll love that, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.

I'm Stephen Carlin, thank you very much.

-CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-Edinburgh, you've been amazing.

You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.

I've been Susan Calman. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd