Ireland Part 3 Comedy At The Fringe

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Comedy At The Fringe!

CHEERING

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Andrew Maxwell. Are you ready for some comedy?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you have come to the right place, people.

Now before I even attempt to begin this show,

I want to say to you, Scottish people, I love your country!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

I don't care whether it sounds like crowd-pleasing, I love Scotland!

I love this country.

Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-I'll take that as a compliment!

What's that?

You'll take that as a compliment?

It was a compliment. But with a twist.

Known as a punchline.

Who here is from the furthest away from here?

People putting hands up.

Where are you from?

Australia!

-MIMICS ACCENT:

-"Australia!"

Welcome, my deeply educated friend.

Welcome, Australian.

Yeah? We like you.

You're nice people.

Yeah? Simple. But sweet.

But we also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?

And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.

-It's called a flip-flop!

-LAUGHTER

Right, people?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's not called a THONG!

It's an onomatopoeic word. Yeah?

Flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop.

It doesn't go THONG...THONG... THONG...THONG...

# Thong, thong-thong, thong thong...#

No.

We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.

Welcome, Aussie. Anybody else from anywhere else?

INDISTINCT CALLS

There's a man putting his hand up at the back.

I feel like Kilroy-Silk. Yes, sir!

-MAN SHOUTS

-Where?

-Syria!

-"Syria!"

You - a drunken, ginger, Scottish man...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..are for some God-knows-what reason...

live on television, claiming...

that you're a Syrian.

Oh, why not?

That's full of sun-burned sectarian people too.

This is...

This is by far rowdiest thing

that anybody's tried to record and broadcast.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whooo!

And then she ruined it with "Whooo!"

There's a Ribena jumping in the air.

Whooo!

-LADY-LIKE:

-"I'm quite rowdy.

"If I've had too much lactose through the day."

AUDIENCE MEMBER HECKLES

-What's that?

-Haggis, dude.

-Haggis dude?

-Yeah.

Is that a new superhero?

# Haggis Dude!

# Nobody knows what's inside him!

# Only tourists eat him!

# It's Haggis Dude! #

-WHOOPS

-Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.

CHEERING

Mild-mannered Callum McGlinchie.

By day, works in a Vodafone shop.

By night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite

that failed to make it into sausages.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"You're lookin' at Haggis Dude!"

"What are your super-powers?"

"Ruinin' New Years."

Has anybody here attempted actually to eat haggis?

CHEERING

Scottish people. Yeah, look at them!

He actually raised his pint! "Yurrrgh!"

"Who wouldn't actually try and eat that bladder...

"..filled with...

"..the anuses of chickens...

"and the tears of pigs?

"No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.

"Mmm..! That pig died a tragic death.

"Murrh!

-"Beauty."

-MAN CALLS OUT

-What's that, fella?

-It tastes like the rainbow.

It tastes like a rainbow?

< Like Skittles!

Yes, my friend over here who has heckled you,

and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before...

That's what we've descended into, people. Hecklers heckling hecklers.

That's right.

My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament...

has pointed out that's in fact a Skittles logo, my friend.

It's haggis. >

No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.

Eh? It just sits in the window

until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.

"Hey, I think I can eat that.

"That looks like a moose's cock that's been blown up, eh?"

Any of the Scottish people ever been to Canada?

CHEERING

If you haven't been there, you should go.

Canadians are essentially hydroponically grown Scotsmen.

So that's it.

We've got an Australian, a Syrian...

Where are you from in Syria?

Damascus.

He actually pointed to it!

"Damascus!

"Over that way!

"I'm from the East Side of Damascus, we're largely Hibs fans."

Good! Now, I have to ask, are you ready for your first act?

CHEERING

Let's do this thing, ladies and gentlemen.

Whether you're Australian, whether you're possibly Syrian,

will you please give it up for Jimeoin?!

CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How are you all, good? Good?

As if I care. No, I do.

Erm. I have a strong accent, I'm sorry about this...

Bit shy at the start and I tend to mumble quite a bit too,

-so good luck...

-BEGINS TO RAMBLE INCOHERENTLY

..so I did.

I am a bit shy at the start.

It takes me a bit of time just to get going, you know?

You know when you go and see a band and you want to cut loose,

you want to really enjoy yourself but you're aware of yourself

and all you can do is this?

And you're talking to yourself. "Come on, let go, you can do this."

There's that girl that starts dancing before everybody else, but she can't dance. She's doing...

She stuffed the band up, they can't play in time any more. They're...

Hmmm...

Good to be alive, isn't it?

Tedious, though.

Gets to a point where it's just the same shit over and over again.

Certain jobs in life remind you of that.

Putting the bins out, that's very much one of those jobs.

Standing in the street going, "I hate this.

"Putting the bins out."

Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins,

I enjoy that.

Bit of fun to be had there.

I hate it when I'm in bed and then I realise I haven't put the bins out.

"Fuck, bin night!" Back out of bed, clothes back on.

Or bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep

and you can hear the bin truck and you haven't put the bins out.

HE GASPS

Running down the street naked with two bins behind you.

That's no way to start the day, is it?

The job I hate the most in life, you know when you go to bed at night

and you open the bedroom door, and there's no sheets on the bed?

No pillowslip, no cover. You're like, "Oh, no...

"I only allowed enough strength to get to bed.

"I wasn't picturing having to do this at this time of night."

You can't believe what you're looking at,

it's a bare mattress, it's like a slab in a mortuary,

it's the opposite of what you were expecting.

You get everything off the bed, get everything off.

Fitted sheets first. Fitted sheet won't play the game.

You can't unravel it, you don't know what corner's what.

You could have a false start.

And you have to walk round, it's at that bad back height.

Walking round the bed trying to put the fitted sheet on,

talking to your partner, "Fuck, we had the whole day to do this."

Lift the mattress up, get your knee in underneath.

It's like a drum.

The cat won't clear off.

That's cos he's underneath the sheet.

Pillowslips are next.

Yeah. I sit down and have a rest for those.

Sigh before I start.

HE SIGHS

Cos you're a long way from home.

You've got the cover to do next.

How do you do the cover? You're not too sure what you're doing, are you?

There's a woman, what do you do, love?

-Inside out!

-Inside out. Turn inside out.

Grab the corners? Grab the two corners? Yes.

But there's heavy wafting in that technique, isn't there?

I like it. I know you're on your own. No-one to help you.

I climb inside the cover. Climb right inside it.

Who's with me?

Pull the quilt in with me, grab the two corners and then go...

I've slept inside the cover...

..pissed.

Pillowslip over my head.

Dreamt I was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Paisley version.

We were nice.

I like to go to bed before my partner.

Get her book, she's got a page folded back, I go back about ten pages, fold that page back.

Very funny.

Watch her reading with that look on her face.

"This all seems very familiar.

"Are you laughing?" "No, I'm having a wank."

That's the only joy I get out of life these days.

Winding my wife up.

Another time she was in the bedroom,

I went into the bathroom to freshen up.

Got my nuts into the sink.

As you do.

You always have to go up on your tiptoes to get your nuts in the sink.

It doesn't matter what sink it is, always up on your tiptoes.

It's probably how the plumber measured the height of the sink.

HE CHUCKLES

No. Plumber with a saw? It's ridiculous.

Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much.

Enjoy the rest of your night.

CHEERING

Jimeoin!

Eleanor Tiernan!

CHEERING

Hello, how are you?

How's it going?

Hello, my name is Eleanor, I'm a comedian from Ireland.

I present a television programme over there.

Yeah, it's where I take Irish celebrities

and find out what their ancestors were doing during the famine.

Potato! >

We call it Who Do You Think You Ate?

Give me a cheer if you drive a car!

Excellent. Excellent.

I have a little tip for you people.

Here's how anybody at all can park in the mother-and-baby spot, OK?

What you do is you park there, you go in, you get your shopping,

you come back out and that's when somebody will strike.

OK? Somebody is going to come over to you at that point and go,

"Excuse me.

"You're supposed to be a mother and a baby to park there."

At this point your acting ability must kick in.

What you have to do now is go...

.."Oh, no.

"I'm after losing her!"

They get upset for you then.

They'll be like, "You've lost your baby?"

And you can be like, "No.

"I've lost my mother."

I think I would've made an excellent supermodel if given the chance,

because there is a technique to supermodelling

that supermodels must have to learn at some point in their careers.

But I figured it out all on my own.

The technique is that when you're walking down the catwalk,

you must walk down as if you have something very important to tell everyone.

But at the very last minute,

you decide that they wouldn't understand.

Here we go.

CHEERING

CHEERING

Does anybody here know a television programme

called America's Next Top Model? CHEERING

It's brilliant. There's America's, Canada's, Britain's, Australia's.

I am dying to see the Irish version of America's Next Top Model.

Except for Ireland doesn't really have a top model,

so I think I would have to be called Ireland's First Half Decent Model.

I think I would be a good hostess for that show.

When the job comes up, I'm going to go for it.

I'd get up there and say things like, "Fiona...

"you came here a shy, nervous,

"impressionable girl from Waterford.

"And now you're full of shit.

"But we're not seeing it in your photographs.

"Claire from Cork,

"we sent you to meet one of the world's top fashion designers.

"You showed up hammered drunk,

"parked illegally

"and put your head through the windscreen of a traffic warden's van.

"You walked into that boardroom with bits of glass in your hair

"and blood streaming from your left eye

"and you told Jean Paul Gaultier to go fuck himself.

"Fair play to you!

"You're still in with a shout of becoming Ireland's First Half Decent Model!"

Folks, I've been Eleanor Tiernan. Thank you so much, goodbye!

Eleanor Tiernan!

CHEERING

Good. Now, I have to ask foreigners in the room,

are you fans of Scottish football?

MUTED RESPONSE

Oh, man, you're missing out! Oh, God, I love the SPL.

Oh, I love the Scottish football league so much.

It's so good for the self-esteem.

You can be on the terrace at a Scottish football game

and be able to say to yourself, looking at the play on the pitch,

"I could do that!"

"If I had this season's strip, I could be out there."

Granted, there's a little bit of sectarianism in Scottish football.

Do foreigners know this?

Well, I don't assume that you know everything about Scotland.

Let me break it down for you. Basically, there's two...

Well, up till very recently...

Two football teams in Glasgow.

Rangers, they're Protestant.

Celtic and they're Catholic, and they hate each other!

Traditionally, they play each other every four days.

Do you know this stuff is in America now?

The Rangers-Celtic stuff. Did you know that?

It blew my mind when I found out.

There's Boston Celtic and New York Rangers.

But they rarely play each other

because one of them's a basketball team

and the other one's an ice hockey team.

But when they do...

..it's mayhem!

Some say it's too slippy, some say it's too bouncy.

That's religion for you.

CHEERING

Yeah, this was a bad idea.

It's very late.

I'm visiting here in Edinburgh.

I was at my flat the other morning.

Somebody knocked on my door at nine in the morning.

I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door?

"I don't know anybody here. Who knows that I live here?"

So I said, "Who is it?!"

And a guy says, "Scottish Power!"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, good for you, man.

"That is good for you.

"Early-morning patriotism is a great thing.

"I don't know why you're knocking on my door about it."

So I was here in the Fringe last year in Scotland,

and I had some Scottish money left over when I went to London in May.

GROANING

Yeah, so I go into the place, I give them a Scottish 20 at the shop

in London and the English guy says, "Literally, this is Scottish mon..."

I don't know why English people are always, "Literally!

"Literally, I was there!"

Why are you saying "literally"?

"Literally, I was..." Shut up with your "literally"!

All your sentences will work without it, man!

"Literally!"

So, yes, it's Scottish money, man, so take it. Take the money! It's pounds.

I don't know what the beef is between England and Scotland,

I don't care, man, I'm not even going to research it.

Just know that I hate both of your countries equally.

And I'm here for work only and I would never visit on my own.

A fact's a fact.

Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the napkin in my lap.

I never put the napkin in my lap

and people say, "Hannibal...

"why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"

Because I believe in myself.

I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants

because I am a goddamn adult and I have mastered the art

of getting food from my plate to my mouth without soiling my jeans.

You need to believe in yourself too and get your life together.

That's for babies.

Have some confidence in your hand-eye coordination.

You need abilities.

My favourite drink is a Flaming Dr Pepper, that's an amazing drink.

I'll tell you how to make one.

Take a glass of beer, a shot of Amaretto, a capful of Bacardi 151.

You put a capful in the Amaretto, light it on fire,

drop it in the beer, chug it, and it tastes just like Dr Pepper.

This drink is magical.

Three different liquors and it tastes like Dr Pepper.

That shows you how dedicated the guy was that invented this drink

because he said, "I want to get messed up

"but only if it tastes like Dr Pepper."

Do you know how many times he's failed before that worked out?

It didn't happen on the first try. It took patience and dedication.

He was trying stuff in his basement.

"Let's try vodka, let's try whisky, let's try grenadine.

"Dammit, that's not it!"

"Honey, come up for dinner."

"No, not right now, I'm working on something."

"What are you working on?"

"I'm working on this magical drink that has three different liquors

"and tastes like Dr Pepper and involves fire for no reason at all."

"That will never work!"

"Yes, it will work and guess what?

"When I make all this Flaming Dr Pepper money I'm divorcing you,

"you unsupportive bitch! You never backed up my dreams!"

Good night, y'all. Thanks a lot.

CHEERING

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

You're very, very welcome.

Come here.

It's great to be here. Well, I was over there and I didn't like it.

I got the taxi tonight. He said, "That'll be six quid."

I said, "I've only got a fiver, could you reverse back a bit?"

Do you know, it's lovely to be here in Edinburgh.

I rang up the railway station, you know.

I said, "Railway station, come closer to the phone.

"What time does the next train go to Edinburgh?"

He said, "Look it up online." I mean, how dangerous is that?

Eh?!

You're walking up and down the line, the trains are whizzing by.

So I went to the ticket office personally.

Come here.

I said, "A return, please."

He said, "Where to?"

I said, "Back here."

Well, where else am I going to go?

I said, "I want to go to Edinburgh."

He said, "Change at Newcastle."

I said, "I want my change here."

But I got my own back. I bought a return ticket and I never went back.

What a dream I had the other night. Can I share this with you?

I'm walking through the desert

and who should I see but Westlife.

SCATTERED CHEERS

I thought it was Westlife, it turned out to be Oasis.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do a few impressions now.

CHEERING

That was an impression...

That was an impression

of a comedian taking his coat off.

And now, a man going upstairs.

He's in a lift.

LAUGHTER

And now, my impression of Olympic bronze medallist Tom Daley

going into a dive.

Hello, any chance of a late-night drink?

LAUGHTER

Oh! An impression in the future.

But I'm going to do it now.

A man having a cup of tea up in outer space.

GIGGLING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to leave you all with a thought.

If you want to live longer,

find out where you're going to die and stay away from there.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for tonight.

I've been Andrew Maxwell.

You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd