Ireland Part 3 Comedy At The Fringe


Ireland Part 3

The very best Irish and Northern Irish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, including Jimeoin, Eleanor Tiernan and Jimmy Cricket.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

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CHEERING

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Hello and welcome to Comedy At The Fringe!

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CHEERING

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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

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I'm Andrew Maxwell. Are you ready for some comedy?

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, you have come to the right place, people.

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Now before I even attempt to begin this show,

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I want to say to you, Scottish people, I love your country!

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-CHEERING

-Yes!

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I don't care whether it sounds like crowd-pleasing, I love Scotland!

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I love this country.

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Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-I'll take that as a compliment!

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What's that?

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You'll take that as a compliment?

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It was a compliment. But with a twist.

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Known as a punchline.

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Who here is from the furthest away from here?

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People putting hands up.

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Where are you from?

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Australia!

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-MIMICS ACCENT:

-"Australia!"

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Welcome, my deeply educated friend.

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Welcome, Australian.

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Yeah? We like you.

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You're nice people.

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Yeah? Simple. But sweet.

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But we also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?

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And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.

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-It's called a flip-flop!

-LAUGHTER

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Right, people?

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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It's not called a THONG!

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It's an onomatopoeic word. Yeah?

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Flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop.

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It doesn't go THONG...THONG... THONG...THONG...

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# Thong, thong-thong, thong thong...#

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No.

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We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.

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Welcome, Aussie. Anybody else from anywhere else?

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INDISTINCT CALLS

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There's a man putting his hand up at the back.

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I feel like Kilroy-Silk. Yes, sir!

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-MAN SHOUTS

-Where?

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-Syria!

-"Syria!"

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You - a drunken, ginger, Scottish man...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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..are for some God-knows-what reason...

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live on television, claiming...

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that you're a Syrian.

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Oh, why not?

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That's full of sun-burned sectarian people too.

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This is...

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This is by far rowdiest thing

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that anybody's tried to record and broadcast.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whooo!

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And then she ruined it with "Whooo!"

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There's a Ribena jumping in the air.

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Whooo!

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-LADY-LIKE:

-"I'm quite rowdy.

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"If I've had too much lactose through the day."

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AUDIENCE MEMBER HECKLES

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-What's that?

-Haggis, dude.

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-Haggis dude?

-Yeah.

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Is that a new superhero?

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# Haggis Dude!

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# Nobody knows what's inside him!

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# Only tourists eat him!

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# It's Haggis Dude! #

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-WHOOPS

-Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.

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CHEERING

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Mild-mannered Callum McGlinchie.

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By day, works in a Vodafone shop.

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By night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite

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that failed to make it into sausages.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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"You're lookin' at Haggis Dude!"

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"What are your super-powers?"

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"Ruinin' New Years."

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Has anybody here attempted actually to eat haggis?

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CHEERING

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Scottish people. Yeah, look at them!

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He actually raised his pint! "Yurrrgh!"

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"Who wouldn't actually try and eat that bladder...

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"..filled with...

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"..the anuses of chickens...

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"and the tears of pigs?

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"No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.

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"Mmm..! That pig died a tragic death.

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"Murrh!

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-"Beauty."

-MAN CALLS OUT

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-What's that, fella?

-It tastes like the rainbow.

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It tastes like a rainbow?

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< Like Skittles!

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Yes, my friend over here who has heckled you,

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and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before...

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That's what we've descended into, people. Hecklers heckling hecklers.

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That's right.

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My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament...

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has pointed out that's in fact a Skittles logo, my friend.

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It's haggis. >

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No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.

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Eh? It just sits in the window

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until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.

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"Hey, I think I can eat that.

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"That looks like a moose's cock that's been blown up, eh?"

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Any of the Scottish people ever been to Canada?

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CHEERING

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If you haven't been there, you should go.

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Canadians are essentially hydroponically grown Scotsmen.

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So that's it.

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We've got an Australian, a Syrian...

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Where are you from in Syria?

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Damascus.

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He actually pointed to it!

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"Damascus!

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"Over that way!

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"I'm from the East Side of Damascus, we're largely Hibs fans."

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Good! Now, I have to ask, are you ready for your first act?

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CHEERING

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Let's do this thing, ladies and gentlemen.

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Whether you're Australian, whether you're possibly Syrian,

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will you please give it up for Jimeoin?!

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CHEERING

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Thank you. Thank you very much.

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How are you all, good? Good?

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As if I care. No, I do.

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Erm. I have a strong accent, I'm sorry about this...

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Bit shy at the start and I tend to mumble quite a bit too,

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-so good luck...

-BEGINS TO RAMBLE INCOHERENTLY

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..so I did.

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I am a bit shy at the start.

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It takes me a bit of time just to get going, you know?

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You know when you go and see a band and you want to cut loose,

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you want to really enjoy yourself but you're aware of yourself

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and all you can do is this?

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And you're talking to yourself. "Come on, let go, you can do this."

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There's that girl that starts dancing before everybody else, but she can't dance. She's doing...

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She stuffed the band up, they can't play in time any more. They're...

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Hmmm...

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Good to be alive, isn't it?

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Tedious, though.

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Gets to a point where it's just the same shit over and over again.

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Certain jobs in life remind you of that.

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Putting the bins out, that's very much one of those jobs.

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Standing in the street going, "I hate this.

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"Putting the bins out."

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Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins,

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I enjoy that.

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Bit of fun to be had there.

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I hate it when I'm in bed and then I realise I haven't put the bins out.

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"Fuck, bin night!" Back out of bed, clothes back on.

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Or bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep

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and you can hear the bin truck and you haven't put the bins out.

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HE GASPS

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Running down the street naked with two bins behind you.

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That's no way to start the day, is it?

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The job I hate the most in life, you know when you go to bed at night

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and you open the bedroom door, and there's no sheets on the bed?

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No pillowslip, no cover. You're like, "Oh, no...

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"I only allowed enough strength to get to bed.

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"I wasn't picturing having to do this at this time of night."

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You can't believe what you're looking at,

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it's a bare mattress, it's like a slab in a mortuary,

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it's the opposite of what you were expecting.

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You get everything off the bed, get everything off.

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Fitted sheets first. Fitted sheet won't play the game.

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You can't unravel it, you don't know what corner's what.

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You could have a false start.

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And you have to walk round, it's at that bad back height.

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Walking round the bed trying to put the fitted sheet on,

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talking to your partner, "Fuck, we had the whole day to do this."

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Lift the mattress up, get your knee in underneath.

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It's like a drum.

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The cat won't clear off.

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That's cos he's underneath the sheet.

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Pillowslips are next.

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Yeah. I sit down and have a rest for those.

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Sigh before I start.

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HE SIGHS

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Cos you're a long way from home.

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You've got the cover to do next.

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How do you do the cover? You're not too sure what you're doing, are you?

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There's a woman, what do you do, love?

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-Inside out!

-Inside out. Turn inside out.

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Grab the corners? Grab the two corners? Yes.

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But there's heavy wafting in that technique, isn't there?

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I like it. I know you're on your own. No-one to help you.

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I climb inside the cover. Climb right inside it.

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Who's with me?

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Pull the quilt in with me, grab the two corners and then go...

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I've slept inside the cover...

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..pissed.

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Pillowslip over my head.

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Dreamt I was in the Ku Klux Klan.

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Paisley version.

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We were nice.

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I like to go to bed before my partner.

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Get her book, she's got a page folded back, I go back about ten pages, fold that page back.

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Very funny.

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Watch her reading with that look on her face.

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"This all seems very familiar.

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"Are you laughing?" "No, I'm having a wank."

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That's the only joy I get out of life these days.

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Winding my wife up.

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Another time she was in the bedroom,

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I went into the bathroom to freshen up.

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Got my nuts into the sink.

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As you do.

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You always have to go up on your tiptoes to get your nuts in the sink.

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It doesn't matter what sink it is, always up on your tiptoes.

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It's probably how the plumber measured the height of the sink.

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HE CHUCKLES

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No. Plumber with a saw? It's ridiculous.

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Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much.

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Enjoy the rest of your night.

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CHEERING

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Jimeoin!

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Eleanor Tiernan!

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CHEERING

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Hello, how are you?

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How's it going?

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Hello, my name is Eleanor, I'm a comedian from Ireland.

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I present a television programme over there.

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Yeah, it's where I take Irish celebrities

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and find out what their ancestors were doing during the famine.

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Potato! >

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We call it Who Do You Think You Ate?

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Give me a cheer if you drive a car!

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Excellent. Excellent.

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I have a little tip for you people.

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Here's how anybody at all can park in the mother-and-baby spot, OK?

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What you do is you park there, you go in, you get your shopping,

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you come back out and that's when somebody will strike.

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OK? Somebody is going to come over to you at that point and go,

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"Excuse me.

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"You're supposed to be a mother and a baby to park there."

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At this point your acting ability must kick in.

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What you have to do now is go...

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.."Oh, no.

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"I'm after losing her!"

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They get upset for you then.

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They'll be like, "You've lost your baby?"

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And you can be like, "No.

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"I've lost my mother."

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I think I would've made an excellent supermodel if given the chance,

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because there is a technique to supermodelling

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that supermodels must have to learn at some point in their careers.

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But I figured it out all on my own.

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The technique is that when you're walking down the catwalk,

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you must walk down as if you have something very important to tell everyone.

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But at the very last minute,

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you decide that they wouldn't understand.

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Here we go.

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CHEERING

0:15:410:15:43

CHEERING

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Does anybody here know a television programme

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called America's Next Top Model? CHEERING

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It's brilliant. There's America's, Canada's, Britain's, Australia's.

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I am dying to see the Irish version of America's Next Top Model.

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Except for Ireland doesn't really have a top model,

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so I think I would have to be called Ireland's First Half Decent Model.

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I think I would be a good hostess for that show.

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When the job comes up, I'm going to go for it.

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I'd get up there and say things like, "Fiona...

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"you came here a shy, nervous,

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"impressionable girl from Waterford.

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"And now you're full of shit.

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"But we're not seeing it in your photographs.

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"Claire from Cork,

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"we sent you to meet one of the world's top fashion designers.

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"You showed up hammered drunk,

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"parked illegally

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"and put your head through the windscreen of a traffic warden's van.

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"You walked into that boardroom with bits of glass in your hair

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"and blood streaming from your left eye

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"and you told Jean Paul Gaultier to go fuck himself.

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"Fair play to you!

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"You're still in with a shout of becoming Ireland's First Half Decent Model!"

0:17:080:17:12

Folks, I've been Eleanor Tiernan. Thank you so much, goodbye!

0:17:160:17:19

Eleanor Tiernan!

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CHEERING

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Good. Now, I have to ask foreigners in the room,

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are you fans of Scottish football?

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MUTED RESPONSE

0:17:430:17:45

Oh, man, you're missing out! Oh, God, I love the SPL.

0:17:450:17:51

Oh, I love the Scottish football league so much.

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It's so good for the self-esteem.

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You can be on the terrace at a Scottish football game

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and be able to say to yourself, looking at the play on the pitch,

0:18:020:18:06

"I could do that!"

0:18:060:18:07

"If I had this season's strip, I could be out there."

0:18:100:18:14

Granted, there's a little bit of sectarianism in Scottish football.

0:18:150:18:19

Do foreigners know this?

0:18:190:18:21

Well, I don't assume that you know everything about Scotland.

0:18:210:18:25

Let me break it down for you. Basically, there's two...

0:18:250:18:27

Well, up till very recently...

0:18:270:18:30

Two football teams in Glasgow.

0:18:360:18:40

Rangers, they're Protestant.

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Celtic and they're Catholic, and they hate each other!

0:18:440:18:50

Traditionally, they play each other every four days.

0:18:500:18:55

Do you know this stuff is in America now?

0:19:000:19:03

The Rangers-Celtic stuff. Did you know that?

0:19:030:19:06

It blew my mind when I found out.

0:19:060:19:08

There's Boston Celtic and New York Rangers.

0:19:080:19:11

But they rarely play each other

0:19:110:19:14

because one of them's a basketball team

0:19:140:19:17

and the other one's an ice hockey team.

0:19:170:19:19

But when they do...

0:19:190:19:22

..it's mayhem!

0:19:230:19:25

Some say it's too slippy, some say it's too bouncy.

0:19:260:19:29

That's religion for you.

0:19:310:19:33

CHEERING

0:19:360:19:39

Yeah, this was a bad idea.

0:19:440:19:46

It's very late.

0:19:500:19:51

I'm visiting here in Edinburgh.

0:19:530:19:57

I was at my flat the other morning.

0:19:570:20:01

Somebody knocked on my door at nine in the morning.

0:20:010:20:04

I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door?

0:20:040:20:06

"I don't know anybody here. Who knows that I live here?"

0:20:060:20:09

So I said, "Who is it?!"

0:20:090:20:11

And a guy says, "Scottish Power!"

0:20:110:20:15

LAUGHTER

0:20:150:20:17

"Oh, good for you, man.

0:20:220:20:25

"That is good for you.

0:20:250:20:27

"Early-morning patriotism is a great thing.

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"I don't know why you're knocking on my door about it."

0:20:320:20:35

So I was here in the Fringe last year in Scotland,

0:20:380:20:43

and I had some Scottish money left over when I went to London in May.

0:20:430:20:49

GROANING

0:20:490:20:51

Yeah, so I go into the place, I give them a Scottish 20 at the shop

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in London and the English guy says, "Literally, this is Scottish mon..."

0:21:000:21:05

I don't know why English people are always, "Literally!

0:21:050:21:08

"Literally, I was there!"

0:21:080:21:11

Why are you saying "literally"?

0:21:110:21:13

"Literally, I was..." Shut up with your "literally"!

0:21:130:21:17

All your sentences will work without it, man!

0:21:170:21:20

"Literally!"

0:21:200:21:21

So, yes, it's Scottish money, man, so take it. Take the money! It's pounds.

0:21:230:21:29

I don't know what the beef is between England and Scotland,

0:21:290:21:33

I don't care, man, I'm not even going to research it.

0:21:330:21:37

Just know that I hate both of your countries equally.

0:21:370:21:40

And I'm here for work only and I would never visit on my own.

0:21:430:21:48

A fact's a fact.

0:21:510:21:53

Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the napkin in my lap.

0:21:550:21:59

I never put the napkin in my lap

0:22:000:22:04

and people say, "Hannibal...

0:22:040:22:07

"why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"

0:22:070:22:09

Because I believe in myself.

0:22:110:22:12

I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants

0:22:160:22:19

because I am a goddamn adult and I have mastered the art

0:22:190:22:23

of getting food from my plate to my mouth without soiling my jeans.

0:22:230:22:27

You need to believe in yourself too and get your life together.

0:22:270:22:31

That's for babies.

0:22:310:22:33

Have some confidence in your hand-eye coordination.

0:22:330:22:36

You need abilities.

0:22:370:22:39

My favourite drink is a Flaming Dr Pepper, that's an amazing drink.

0:22:410:22:45

I'll tell you how to make one.

0:22:450:22:46

Take a glass of beer, a shot of Amaretto, a capful of Bacardi 151.

0:22:460:22:50

You put a capful in the Amaretto, light it on fire,

0:22:500:22:54

drop it in the beer, chug it, and it tastes just like Dr Pepper.

0:22:540:22:58

This drink is magical.

0:22:580:23:00

Three different liquors and it tastes like Dr Pepper.

0:23:000:23:03

That shows you how dedicated the guy was that invented this drink

0:23:030:23:07

because he said, "I want to get messed up

0:23:070:23:09

"but only if it tastes like Dr Pepper."

0:23:090:23:12

Do you know how many times he's failed before that worked out?

0:23:120:23:14

It didn't happen on the first try. It took patience and dedication.

0:23:140:23:17

He was trying stuff in his basement.

0:23:170:23:19

"Let's try vodka, let's try whisky, let's try grenadine.

0:23:190:23:24

"Dammit, that's not it!"

0:23:240:23:26

"Honey, come up for dinner."

0:23:260:23:28

"No, not right now, I'm working on something."

0:23:280:23:32

"What are you working on?"

0:23:320:23:33

"I'm working on this magical drink that has three different liquors

0:23:330:23:36

"and tastes like Dr Pepper and involves fire for no reason at all."

0:23:360:23:43

"That will never work!"

0:23:430:23:44

"Yes, it will work and guess what?

0:23:440:23:47

"When I make all this Flaming Dr Pepper money I'm divorcing you,

0:23:470:23:50

"you unsupportive bitch! You never backed up my dreams!"

0:23:500:23:54

Good night, y'all. Thanks a lot.

0:23:540:23:56

CHEERING

0:23:560:23:58

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:040:24:06

You're very, very welcome.

0:24:060:24:08

Come here.

0:24:100:24:12

It's great to be here. Well, I was over there and I didn't like it.

0:24:130:24:17

I got the taxi tonight. He said, "That'll be six quid."

0:24:200:24:23

I said, "I've only got a fiver, could you reverse back a bit?"

0:24:230:24:27

Do you know, it's lovely to be here in Edinburgh.

0:24:280:24:31

I rang up the railway station, you know.

0:24:310:24:33

I said, "Railway station, come closer to the phone.

0:24:330:24:36

"What time does the next train go to Edinburgh?"

0:24:360:24:39

He said, "Look it up online." I mean, how dangerous is that?

0:24:390:24:42

Eh?!

0:24:420:24:44

You're walking up and down the line, the trains are whizzing by.

0:24:450:24:48

So I went to the ticket office personally.

0:24:480:24:52

Come here.

0:24:520:24:53

I said, "A return, please."

0:24:530:24:55

He said, "Where to?"

0:24:550:24:56

I said, "Back here."

0:24:560:24:57

Well, where else am I going to go?

0:24:590:25:01

I said, "I want to go to Edinburgh."

0:25:030:25:05

He said, "Change at Newcastle."

0:25:050:25:07

I said, "I want my change here."

0:25:070:25:09

But I got my own back. I bought a return ticket and I never went back.

0:25:140:25:18

What a dream I had the other night. Can I share this with you?

0:25:200:25:25

I'm walking through the desert

0:25:250:25:28

and who should I see but Westlife.

0:25:280:25:31

SCATTERED CHEERS

0:25:310:25:33

I thought it was Westlife, it turned out to be Oasis.

0:25:330:25:36

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do a few impressions now.

0:25:400:25:45

CHEERING

0:25:470:25:48

That was an impression...

0:25:480:25:50

That was an impression

0:25:500:25:52

of a comedian taking his coat off.

0:25:520:25:54

And now, a man going upstairs.

0:25:540:25:58

He's in a lift.

0:26:010:26:02

LAUGHTER

0:26:020:26:05

And now, my impression of Olympic bronze medallist Tom Daley

0:26:050:26:08

going into a dive.

0:26:080:26:09

Hello, any chance of a late-night drink?

0:26:100:26:13

LAUGHTER

0:26:130:26:16

Oh! An impression in the future.

0:26:190:26:22

But I'm going to do it now.

0:26:220:26:24

A man having a cup of tea up in outer space.

0:26:240:26:27

GIGGLING

0:26:390:26:42

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:440:26:47

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:26:540:26:56

I'd like to leave you all with a thought.

0:26:560:26:59

If you want to live longer,

0:26:590:27:00

find out where you're going to die and stay away from there.

0:27:000:27:03

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

0:27:050:27:08

CHEERING

0:27:120:27:13

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for tonight.

0:27:150:27:18

I've been Andrew Maxwell.

0:27:180:27:20

You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!

0:27:200:27:22

CHEERING

0:27:220:27:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:300:27:33

The very best Irish and Northern Irish acts from the Comedy Marathon at the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, including Jimeoin, Eleanor Tiernan and Jimmy Cricket. Hosted by Andrew Maxwell.


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