Episode 1 Comedy At The Fringe

I'm Chris Ramsey. Welcome to Comedy At The Fringe on BBC Three!

APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Edinburgh Festival!

Woo! Yes!

It's been good, this. It's been quite sunny at the Fringe this year.

It's been quite nice, hasn't it? I'm not used to it.

All the gigs have been quite full, cos it's all just Scottish people

running in cos they don't know what the sun is and they're terrified.

"The hell is that?! Aagh!"

There's guys standing outside pubs,

going, "The moon's getting a bit uppity."

I love Edinburgh. One of the funniest, maddest, weirdest,

most awkward things that ever happened to me

happened in Edinburgh.

I was up here doing a run of gigs at the Stand Comedy Club.

My first ever weekend away from home doing gigs, it was a weekend away,

Christmas gigs, I was doing the Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

On the Saturday before Christmas,

-I went for a meal on my own on the Saturday before Chris...

-Aw!

Thank you! One man - "Awww!"

And yeah, so I went for a meal on my own in this restaurant

and I don't know if you've been for a meal on your own,

but that's what the weirdos do, isn't it?

And I walked in... I didn't want to,

I walked in and honestly, it was the most over the top...

I love Scottish people, I think you're great,

but when you're having a good time, you really aim it at other people.

You know what I mean? "Wahey!"

"All right, man, I'm on my own. Leave us alone, right?"

You genuinely know how to have a good time. It's a fantastic thing.

I walked into this place. No table smaller than a table of six, right?

These tables were massive. "Wahey!" Paper crowns,

Christmas decorations, singing, dancing, and I popped my foot in

and thought, "I'm not going to sit in here.

"This will be horrendous, eating a meal on my own in here,

"Saturday before Christmas, like the saddest puppy in the window."

So I thought, "I'll just leave." I went to turn round

and the bloke came in and went, "No, no, sir. Can we help you?"

I thought, "What can I do here?" And I thought of an amazing out.

I went, "Uh, yes. We were hoping to get a table,

"but it's clearly far too busy. We'll check somewhere else."

He went, "No, no, no! It's turnover quite fast.

"We've got three tables leaving now. How many is it for?"

"Shit."

And I quickly... I totally panicked.

I just went, "Um, it's just me. I lied. I'm sorry." I had nothing.

Now, in real life, until that day...

I went, "It's just a table for one."

In real life, until that day, I'd never heard a human go "Ooh?!"

Ever! Outside Scooby Doo, I'd never heard that happen, right?

So he went, "Ooh?!" And he went, "No, it's OK, sir."

Nice guy. Scottish people are lovely. You're accommodating people.

He went, "It's all right." We didn't expect anyone to come

"on the Saturday before Christmas on their own."

Thanks for repeating it, mate. It feels much better.

He went, "But it's all right, we'll sort you out."

He went to the back of the restaurant and he found me

-my very own table for one. What a guy.

-Aw!

What a guy, man. Yeah, he found it.

He held it aloft.

He marched it through the entire restaurant,

causing so much mayhem and pandemonium, everyone's looking over,

he's going, "Yeah, we're making a table for the lonely man.

"He might cry. Let's watch." He was buzzing. Everyone was looking.

He put it - imagine he put in the window, how bad that would be.

He put it in the middle of four tables of six.

If you're looking from the roof, it went table of six, table of six,

table of six, table of six, me. Right in the middle!

They had to move their bags and shopping and shit! Right?

I was standing, I was purple, I was mortified.

He started setting the table. He made it worse.

Everyone's looking. He set the table - cloth, knife, fork,

plate, cup. He put, in front of everyone on that table,

a Christmas cracker.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?!

Do I try to find a new friend from my circumference of happiness?

"Please! Please! Someone, please!

"You can keep the hat, I just want the joke!"

Or do I pull it on my own? How creepy would that be?

I can't lose, so...

Ha-ha-ha!

I opted for option three, which was creepier in hindsight.

I genuinely stood up and took it as I left.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Right, are you ready for your first fantastic act?

CHEERING

Go crazy, go wild, welcome to the stage

the fantastic Hannibal Buress!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Yeah, this was a bad idea.

It's very late.

I'm visiting here in Edinburgh.

I was at my flat the other morning.

Somebody knocked on my door at nine in the morning.

I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door? I don't know anybody here.

"Who knows that I live here?"

So I say, "Who is it?"

And the guy says, "Scottish Power!"

LAUGHTER

Good for you, man.

That is good for you.

Early-morning patriotism is a great thing.

I don't know why you knocking on my door about it...

Sometimes, I get drunk and get into arguments with taxi drivers

and I get out the cab and I slam the door.

That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.

The way to win is, you get out the cab

and you leave the door open.

Then he has to step out, come around and close the door,

but while he's doing that, I'm on the other side,

opening the other doors...

..and we just keep going around and around and around and around,

and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on.

Life is great. Cue the music.

# Bada-ba-ba-bada-bada-ba...

# Ba...badum badum...

# Bowm... #

So I was here in the Fringe last year, here in Scotland,

and I had some Scottish money left over when I went to London in May.

-CROWD:

-Ooh!

Yeah, I don't... Yeah, so I go into the place,

I give them the Scottish 20 at this shop in London

and the English guy just, "Literally, this is Scottish..."

I don't know why English people are always, "Literally!

"Literally, I was there! It literally...!"

Why you saying "literally"?

"Literally, I was there, and..." Shut up with your literally!

All your sentences will work without it, man!

"Literally!"

CHEERS AND CLAPPING

"So, yeah, it's Scottish money, man, so take it.

"Take the money. It's pounds."

I don't know what the beef is between England and Scotland.

I don't care, man. I'm not even going to research it.

Just know that I hate both of your countries equally.

LAUGHTER

-Boo!

-And...

-Woo!

I'm here for work only.

And I would never visit on my own.

Facts are facts.

Whenever I eat at a restaurant,

I never put the napkin in my lap.

I never put the napkin in my lap,

and people say, "Hannibal,

"why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"

Because I believe in myself.

APPLAUSE

I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants

cos I'm a goddamn adult,

and I have mastered the art

of getting food from my plate to my mouth without soiling my jeans.

You can believe in yourself too and get your life together.

That's for babies.

Have some confidence in your hand-eye co-ordination

and eating abilities.

My favourite drink is a Flaming Dr Pepper. That's an amazing drink.

I'll tell you how to make one. Take a glass of beer,

a shot of Amaretto, a capful of Bacardi 150.

You put the capful in the Amaretto,

light it on fire, drop it in the beer, chug it

and it tastes just like Dr Pepper.

-This drink is magical.

-Yeah.

Three different liquors and it tastes like Dr Pepper.

That shows you how dedicated the guy was that invented this drink,

because he said, "I want to get messed up,

"but only if it tastes like Dr Pepper."

You know how many times he failed before that worked out?

It didn't happen on the first try, that took patience and dedication.

He was trying stuff in his basement for years.

"Let's try vodka, let's try whiskey,

"let's try Grenadine.

"Dammit, that's not it!"

"Honey, come up for dinner!"

"Not right now, I'm working on something!"

"What are you working on?"

"I'm working on this magical drink that has three different liquors

"and it tastes like Dr Pepper,

"and it involves fire for no reason at all."

"That'll never work!"

"Yes, it will work, and guess what?

"When I make all this Flaming Dr Pepper money,

"I'm divorcing you, you unsupportive bitch!

"You never backed up my dreams!"

Hey, good night, y'all, thanks a lot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hannibal Buress, everyone.

This next guy is awesome.

You'll love him.

Please go crazy, go wild for a good friend of mine

and a fantastic comic. Mr Carl Donnelly!

Hurray! How you doing? All right?

Good. My name's Carl Donnelly.

This is how I look. It's all right, innit?

-Ow!

-Ow!

This is a haircut that I recently got because I turned 30,

and it's a weird thing.

I used to have long hair. I got it all cut off,

and anyone here who ever undergoes a big image change,

watch out for this,

it takes a few weeks to get your self-confidence back

and what you don't need, two weeks in, is to meet a friend for lunch

and him to point out that you look exactly like a young Rolf Harris.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't mind, spot-on, but I'm not even a lookalike,

cos I've nicked Rolf Harris's younger head.

I had a bit of a bad experience with a haircut.

I accidentally showed a hairdresser a picture of me having a shit.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird.

It wasn't even on the first haircut. It was on the second.

After the first one, I went home

and I went for a post-haircut poo - normal poo, I'd just had a new look.

And this is a weird thing. Does anyone here remember

what it was like to have a shit before mobile phones?

There's a laugh from a few older guys who remember the dark days.

Young people now, you've got all that entertainment in the shit.

We used to have to sit there and cry and things,

but with mobile broadband,

now you can check your e-mails, Twitter, I've got a Scrabble app.

So I went for my post-haircut poo and I'm doing my admin

and I come up with an idea cos I like the haircut,

that I didn't realise some women do.

I thought I might take a photo of my head,

so when I go back to the hairdresser, I can show him

and say, "Can you make it look like that again?" Good idea,

but I'm on the toilet at the time,

so I think - I'll do it now.

So I bring my camera phone up - cos I've got one of them -

and I had about 45 minutes to kill, if I'm honest.

So I bring up the camera, smile and go, "do-doot!"

I look at it. I'm so obsessed with my new hair cut,

I don't register the full photo.

I see the hair and I'm like, "That's what I want to save!"

By not looking properly, I've missed the periphery of my head.

It ain't the only thing in the photo.

That is in the middle, smiling like that.

There is a toilet roll right next to it.

There's a flush sticking over my shoulder and a sink.

This photo is of a man having a shit and smiling about it.

I don't know that for two months,

until I go back to the hairdressers and I sit down.

They go, "What can I do for you?" I go, "Can you cut my hair short?"

He goes, "How short?" I go, "I don't know. I'm new to this."

I start panicking, then I remember the photo.

I went, "I took a photo 40 minutes after last time.

"If I show you that, can you copy?"

He goes, "Of course I can. Let's do this."

So I bring up my phone, and I get to the little version.

You know the little versions? They crop it.

Why don't they tell us that in the booklet?

I just saw my head and I was like, "Yes, here it is."

I go, "pop" to show him and enlarge.

As I do that, my life went into slow motion.

Because I did this. I went vooom...

We both realised it was me having a shit at the exact same moment,

like split-second moment. Our reactions were very different.

That poor guy froze like he'd just seen a T Rex come in

and just went like, "Ack!"

I made a noise I'd never made before. Have you done this,

when you make a noise that even you go, "What the shit?!"

It was like a primaeval scream,

in that it didn't come from my vocal chords - you control them.

It sounded like it came from the souls of my ancestors.

Imagine getting your hair cut and seeing what I did,

which is exactly how it went down, right?

I went, "Here it is, man.

"Vooom... Eargh!"

Screamed into a hairdresser's face!

I'm not even a fan of normal haircut chit-chat.

You don't know them, they're touching your head. It's awkward.

Try it when you've shown them a picture of you having a shit.

It's really awkward!

It's quite embarrassing as well.

I managed to embarrass myself on my own. Get a load of this.

I had one of the most embarrassing events of my life six weeks ago.

I was alone in the kitchen and I almost died during this event.

I almost choked to death on my own in the kitchen

because I tried eating a whole crumpet in one go.

I know it sounds dumb. It's a very male trait.

Getting competitive with food. I was doing it.

I was at home alone, cooking some crumpets.

I was not cooking some crumpets. I was toasting them.

I wasn't putting them in a wok!

I'd never have dreamed of attempting the crumpet

when I first took it out of the pack, because they're massive.

They're like sponges, yeah?

When I toasted it, it got smaller,

so I reckoned I had a chance.

It was a deciding factor when I put butter on it

and butter ran out of the bottom.

I'm no scientist, but that means actually, it ain't getting bigger.

If it's spitting stuff out, it ain't got nowhere to go,

so I thought, "I'm going to go for it."

So I rammed it into my mouth.

When I finally got it in, the crumpet opened up

its emergency air tanks.

Where did this come from? It went, "Brrrah!"

I couldn't get it out of my mouth and I couldn't breathe,

which are two of my least favourite things.

It was horrible. I was dying in my kitchen.

I don't know if anyone here has almost died - horrible feeling.

But I learned there's something worse than dying, and that's dying

in an embarrassing manner.

Because it adds a narrative

that shouldn't be there in your final moment.

Your final moment should be peaceful,

with you going, "I'm dying!"

But what it adds is your own voice in the background going,

"What are they going to tell everyone, you prick?"

I was running through the scene of them knocking

to tell my mum and dad that I was dead.

Imagine that conversation with the police.

"Mrs Donnelly, we think you should sit down." She sits down.

"What's happened?" "We've got some terrible news.

"We actually found Carl dead this morning." She's like, "What happened?"

"Well, we're not 100% sure at the minute,

"but early signs are that he tried to eat a whole crumpet...

"in one go, which is actually incredibly difficult.

"You should be very proud."

It's been a pleasure. I'm Carl Donnelly.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please go crazy, go wild

for the brilliant Celia Pacquola!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

WHISTLING

Hello. Can I say...

WHISTLING

Wow! Thank you. You're only human. Really?

Can I just say, honestly, it's really nice to be on a bill with

so many other women. Usually, it's just me and a bunch of dudes.

Usually, it's a bit of a sausage fest.

You have that too? Tonight, there's a bunch of us.

It's turning into some sort of clam jamboree here. It's beautiful.

Too much, too soon? Come on!

I'm from Australia, which I know isn't a big deal,

but when I left, everyone was like, "My God, so brave what you're doing.

"So brave, moving to another country." I was like, is it?

It's not like I flew with Ryanair. What? I don't know.

I've not flown with them. Our budget airline is called Tiger.

Tiger Airways, which is the dumbest name.

If you had an airline, why would you name it after an animal

that can't fly and kills people?

I mean, I've done some brave stuff, like one day,

I got a big pile of money and I just burnt it.

Sorry, I joined a gym. I did that.

It was weighing me down.

I have had a win though. I had a pretty big win.

I was drinking in a beer garden

in the daytime with eight or nine friends.

Drinking for a little while. Not drunk. Tipsy. Not drunk.

Flirt with the bouncer, wouldn't take him home. See?

Important distinction. Not as drunk as a girl can be.

You know that a girl is drunk by, very simple, how hard

she opens a toilet door.

Women are laughing. Guys are like, really? Yeah, really. Very simple.

Not drunk - boosh - drunk! I was putting my make-up on one night.

This girl comes in - boosh - something must receive wee.

Move it!

I mean, she didn't say that, but that was the vibe I got.

I wasn't that drunk - not as drunk as when I start playing ugly dance moves,

where you go to a public place and do the ugliest dance possible.

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking for things to be ugly,

they need to be big. Not true. This...

LAUGHTER

WHISTLING

..is revolting, and if you couldn't see that up the back, you're welcome.

I wasn't that drunk, but because I'd been drinking for a while,

I went to reapply my lipstick. My friend sitting next to me

goes, "Celia can you stop making yourself look prettier?

"Make yourself look uglier." In a flash, I grabbed the half-full

pint of beer in front of me and just went - splash.

It's like my brain went, can I? Yeah. Heaps more.

Really quickly. Make yourself look uglier. Bang. Half a pint.

My eyes were open. I was soaked. The people behind me were soaked.

My friends erupted in laughter. The greatest thing they'd ever seen.

"Oh, my God, we can't believe you went so far for a joke, Celia!

"You're a comedy legend." And I was like, "Yes, I live for the funny.

"You may worship me now."

It was great. I was great. The whole thing was great.

The thing I didn't tell them, that I'm going to tell you, is that

I thought the glass was empty.

I thought I was performing a hilarious mime.

"Wouldn't it be funny...?!" Which is why my eyes were open.

Got a bit of a shock and just pretended I nailed it.

It was a very sudden emotional shift.

You know like when you're patting a cat and it changes its mind?

You know? When they're like, yeah, good patting. Really enjoying that!

Yeah, really good. GET OFF!

It's always at the point when the person whose cat it is walks in

and is like, "What the hell are you doing to my cat?!"

"Nothing. It was liking it. I swear." The cat's like, "Yeah!"

I think sometimes, I read into things in a different way to others.

A friend of mine had an anniversary with her boyfriend.

She goes, "As a surprise, I'm going to rent sexy costumes."

I said "First, don't bloody rent them.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard."

Can you imagine wearing a rented skimpy crotchless Cleopatra thing?

Bleurgh! This reeks of last resort. Gross. I said, "Don't rent them."

She said, "All right, I won't." "What are you going to get?"

She goes, "I read an article which says the sexiest occupation a man

-"can have is..." Any guesses? Pretty obvious.

-Fireman.

-Fireman - bang! And for a woman is...?

-Nurse.

-Nurse.

"I'm going to get a fireman outfit for him, nurse for me."

I'm not a scientist, but even I... Shocking, I know! ..even I know

that in terms of sexual role-play, a fireman and nurse will never work.

Why? Because they're both helpers. OK?

Firemen and nurses don't work for the same reason that damsel in distress

and wounded soldier wouldn't work, as they'd both be like, "You take care of me." "No, you take care of me."

"I'm weak and vulnerable." "So am I." You see what I'm saying? It's not a gender thing, it's a status thing.

It's simple maths. Fireman plus damsel in distress equals sexy.

Hot nurse plus wounded soldier equals sexy.

Fireman and nurse doesn't work

for the same reason that policeman and schoolgirl is awkward and creepy.

You know, I've heard. But I'm weird about sex stuff anyway.

A friend of mine told me that she likes to masturbate by candlelight.

I was like, "Jeez, that must make birthdays awkward."

# Happy birthday to... #

What are you doing?!

Thank you for having me. Enjoy the rest of your night. See you later!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, Celia Pacquola!

Next act coming to the stage

is absolutely fantastic.

You'll love this guy, you'll have seen him on stuff - Buzzcocks, etc.

He's great, you'll love him. Go crazy, wild, raise the roof

for the brilliant Paul Foot!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Greetings. So, this is quite nice.

What I thought I might do is, some of these jokes here

that I read off the backs of these cards.

They're all individually hand decorated.

Actually, I say jokes, but that's perhaps slightly the wrong word.

A bit misleading. They're kind of thoughts from my own mind, really.

I think probably a better word for them would be disturbances.

Let's start with the first one.

There are various levels of homophobia.

The top level is when you attack someone just because

they're not homophobic.

When you think about it, that's the most homophobic it's possible

to be, isn't it? Level-A homophobia.

You don't think about it that much.

The most common type of homophobia is people punching gay people.

That's only really level B.

LAUGHTER

In fact, those people would probably be quite angry

if they were to find out they're not being as homophobic as they could be.

Well, as you've probably all noticed by now, I come from the seaside.

LAUGHTER

Good, so you're getting the idea of the disturbances now.

They are pointless.

I quite like doing the disturbances. They're slightly audience-dividing.

It's like, some people, they're really laughing about the seaside thing,

and some people are looking slightly confused.

If you're in that latter category, then the mistake you're making

is searching for hidden meaning.

Do not analyse the humour. Yield to it. Fact.

This next disturbance is in the form of a fact. Fact.

The deepest parts of the ocean are deeper

than the tallest mountains are tall.

To put it another way, if you took the Himalayan mountain range

and turned it upside down into the sea,

loads of sanctimonious charity climbers...

..people pushing themselves to the limits of physical endurance

to discover themselves,

Tibetan wise-men and other losers would drown.

I'm a top international businessman and, yes, I have a disability.

I'm asthmatic. But I can still do deals like any other executive.

I just have to remember my inhaler, that's all.

Sometimes, I leave that disturbance there, but as a bonus, I'll do

the final part, and that's the part where I become the businessman.

So, the contracts for 450,000 - I'll get my PA to fax it through

and we'll firm up the details the next time I'm in Zurich.

Tsss!

As her body pulsates with orgasm,

a lamp smashes

and a clumsy young woman comes to a sinking realisation

that she's never going to be the competent prostitute she'd envisaged.

That, I think, brings us to the conclusion of these proceedings.

Thank you very much. Good evening.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Paul Foot! Paul Foot, everyone!

Awesome stuff. It's all good.

It's all good. I'm enjoying it.

Are you just going to leave it in the background just there? Yeah?

Open the door... Can I do this door? The door's shut to the music room.

CREAKING

MAN BEATBOXES

Keep that fucking racket down, will you?!

LAUGHTER

I've got the door shut. Now...

MAN BEATBOXES SOFTLY

It felt like it was in my head!

That's great, man. Pete Box, everyone! Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All that's left to say is thanks to all of tonight's acts.

I'm Chris Ramsey. You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.

Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd