Episode 2 Comedy At The Fringe

I'm Chris Ramsey, this is Comedy At The Fringe

and these are some of the funniest comedians from this year's Edinburgh Festival!

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.

CHEERING

I genuinely love Edinburgh. It's honestly lovely to be here.

I'm from South Shields originally.

-Good.

-LAUGHTER

-Literally nothing.

Yeah, I live in Manchester now, though.

-CHEERING

-Oh, you'll cheer that, will you?

-I, erm... One guy just went...

-LAUGHTER

I live in Manchester. I get grief for my accent in Manchester.

And they've got a nerve.

Sorry, like, but have you ever seen someone who's so Manc, it sounds like it hurts?

Nnnnnooooooooo...

-It sounds like someone fingering a sleeping cat.

-LAUGHTER

Try it at home. Just use one, though.

-You use two, it wakes up and goes mental.

-LAUGHTER

Are you ready for your first fantastic act?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please go crazy, go wild, build it up, build it up,

and welcome to the stage Joel Dommett!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-Whoo indeed. All right? Good?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Ohh. Come on, guys.

I missed Hollyoaks for this. Jump on board. How's it going? You well?

-CHEERING

-Oh, the bottom of that is heavier than we all anticipated.

It's good to be here. Edinburgh is proper mental.

It's proper mental. My flatmate, right,

this was this morning, he came out of his bedroom door and...

This story might make me laugh more than you.

But he came out of his bedroom door, we met in the hallway,

and he went, "Joel, Joel, I had a mental time at a fancy dress party last night."

I went, "All right, why, what happened?"

He went, "Joel, seriously...

"..this fancy dress party was off the hook."

I went, "All right, why, what happened?"

Honest to God, this is what came out of his mouth. He went,

"Last night, I fucked a Smurf."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is incredible!

As if that isn't incredible enough, this little voice from his bedroom went,

"Erm, I'm supposed to be from that film Avatar."

LAUGHTER

That is unbelievable!

That is brilliant! I bloody love him.

My flatmate's amazing. We were having a conversation ages ago

about what you'd do if you suddenly won £1 million.

If you suddenly won £1 million, what would be the first thing you'd do? This is what he answered with.

He went, "Erm, I would buy every seat on a Megabus."

LAUGHTER

-That is £54, man.

-LAUGHTER

-You can actually just do that now.

-LAUGHTER

You need to dream a little further, please.

And so it was his 30th birthday in June, so I did it, right?

I did it. Honestly. I went ahead and I bought him every single seat

on a Megabus back to Bristol from London to visit his parents,

and honestly, you have never seen a man so happy in your entire life.

It was incredible. And it cost a little more than I thought it would.

It cost £97. Yeah, £97!

But it was worth every single penny just to see him get on that bus by himself.

LAUGHTER

Me and my friend John went to see him off at the station.

I have never laughed so hard in my life. It was incredible.

He was just sat on this bus by himself like, "Bye."

There's this long line of people waiting for the next bus like, "What the hell is going on?"

"Sorry, sir, it's full." "It's not full!"

The best thing about this, right, I didn't even know this,

there's actually another stop before you get to Bristol.

I didn't know this. So I called him when he got there,

I was like, "Hey, man. How did you enjoy your birthday present?"

He was like, "Joel, it was terrible!" I was like, "Why?"

He went, "Erm, somebody else got on the bus, Joel, and ruined it for me!"

-LAUGHTER

-I was like, "Oh, come on, man, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Two people on a massive bus is absolutely fine."

He went, "Yeah, he fucking sat next to me!"

-LAUGHTER

-Horrible, horrible thing.

But it's a genuine pleasure to be here in Edinburgh. It's amazing.

It's nice to be back this year because last year I got mugged, so it's incredible to be back.

-WHOOPING

-Yeah, it was horrible. It was him. Whoo!

-That was the classic mugging sign. Whoo-ooh!

-LAUGHTER

It was horrible, but I'll tell you what made it OK.

His weapon of choice, this was in The Meadows,

-his weapon of choice was a rounders bat.

-LAUGHTER

That made it OK, right? Because I loved rounders in school,

-so instead of being scared, I was like, "This is fairly nostalgic."

-LAUGHTER

Before I tell you about the mugging, did anyone else have that rule when you play rounders in school

-that when you hit the ball, you had to drop the bat?

-Yes!

Yeah, exactly! Doesn't make any sense at all!

You've got to drop it before you run around otherwise it does not count.

Doesn't make any sense. Apparently it's for health and safety reasons

but nobody in their right mind would be like... Just pop that down.

Nobody would do that. Everyone would get so excited that they hit it,

-they'd be like, "Fucking amazing!"

-LAUGHTER

Doesn't make any sense at all!

This was a beautiful moment in school I will remember forever.

It was incredible. My friend, James Dawson, he hit the ball.

He was so excited, he threw the bat behind him

and the bat then flew towards Mr Saunders, our PE teacher's face.

It was incredible. It was like... towards his head.

-All the kids in the class were like, "Oh, this is happening!"

-LAUGHTER

But the best thing about it, Mr Saunders was not even looking.

He was looking down at the floor like this.

-This classic PE teacher stance.

-LAUGHTER

You could tell that he was thinking,

"Just don't fucking stare at the kids."

LAUGHTER

-They're wearing singlets, it's weird.

-LAUGHTER

It's flying towards the back of his head.

It's just about to hit him in the back of his skull. Just about to hit him.

At that point, he then looks up, he catches the bat and goes,

"Before I was a teacher, I was in the army."

-LAUGHTER

-He is a hero to me!

This is honestly all I can think about while I'm being mugged

by this mugger man in The Meadows.

Mugger Man is a great name for a mugger.

This is what he did. He lifted up his rounders bat

and he went, "Oi! Give... me..."

I'm praying that sentence is going to end with, "..a ruddy good game of rounders!"

-LAUGHTER

-It doesn't. He goes, "Give... me...

-"..some change."

-LAUGHTER

I answer in the worst and most middle-class way possible.

I go, "Erm, sorry, I've only got notes."

LAUGHTER

-Is this supposed to happen?

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know what's happening.

-I've got 50p!

-You've got 50p? For the meter!

-HE LAUGHS

-I forgot that's how you people pay for electricity.

-LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love you so much!

Never let go! Never give up!

Oh, God.

Right, finish your set, mate, I'll see you later.

LAUGHTER

-Joel Dommett, everyone!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! How you doing, everyone? How are we?

-CHEERING

-People, we are living the dream.

Cos I'm quite young, but I'm old enough to remember certain things.

I'm old enough to remember when television was good.

Do you remember when MasterChef was good?

Remember that? You had Loyd Grossman, three kitchens, no messing about. It was amazing.

Nowadays, MasterChef is the most needlessly dramatic programme in the entire world.

All MasterChef is nowadays is cooking to a time limit.

Do you know what else is cooking to a time limit? Cooking. Right.

The start of MasterChef these days is this.

This... is as tough... as cooking gets.

No, it's not. Clearly you've never got home at four o'clock in the morning...

-LAUGHTER

-..pissed out of your mind and thought,

"I am making a quiche. Right, erm..."

LAUGHTER

Then woken up four hours later in the oven.

-That is tough.

-LAUGHTER

Drunken MasterChef would be the greatest programme of all time.

"Oh, in the blue kitchen, you appear to be making a carbonara."

The guy's knackered. He's like, "Aye, erm... I'm cooking the bacon..."

LAUGHTER

"..in a wok, in a microwave, from my bath."

LAUGHTER

"The red kitchen, you appear to be seasoning your dish."

She's like, "Yeah, erm, I thought it was pepper.

-"It's actually chocolate sprinkles. So I'm just..."

-LAUGHTER

The voiceover lady would properly have her work cut out.

She'd have no idea what's going on, just going,

"Hm, it appears Kimberley has skipped her dessert

"and instead has put a traffic cone on the fridge."

-"There we go."

-LAUGHTER

By the end of the programme, there's no cooking going on.

The guy in the blue kitchen's knackered.

"So I'm kicking the...

-"Oh, God."

-LAUGHTER

-"I shouldn't have done that Jager."

-LAUGHTER

I said to them, "I can do sambuca but I can't do Jager."

-LAUGHTER

-"It's too thick. It's too thick."

LAUGHTER

"So I was cooking the bacon

-"and then instead I just done a poo in the wok."

-LAUGHTER

Television's weird, though. Whole areas of the country can be ruined by television.

I live in Manchester now, and right beside it is a place called Chester.

Lovely part of the country. Chester's been ruined

-by a show on Channel 4 known as Hollyoaks. Do we know Hollyoaks?

-CHEERING

Horribly vacuous show, teaches kids they need no talent to be on television.

For those who don't know Hollyoaks, it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Four people clapping. The rest of you are gone. So...

No, honest, it's a ridiculous show. I was watching the Sunday omnibus once of Hollyoaks.

The only reason to be watching the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks

is being a 14-year-old boy that doesn't have an internet connection.

-LAUGHTER

-But, I mean, I was wanking, right,

but, oh, I was furious!

Like, "Grrrr! There's no narrative structure! Come on!"

LAUGHTER

-That is a new mime and, ooh, it's ambitious. That's...

-LAUGHTER

In Hollyoaks, they try and pretend they deal with the big issues.

You get a little guy in the credits at the end going,

-"If you are experiencing..."

-LAUGHTER

"..any of the issues

"experienced by the people in Hollyoaks, call this number."

So I'm dead immature. I went, "Hello? I can't act."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-"Hello? Hello?"

Hung up. Hung up.

-Erm, yeah.

-WHISTLING

Thank you, one lady whooping. Cheers, Mum.

But, I mean, I'm quite immature, but I think that's an important thing to have in life.

I think I'm quite immature cos I went to a rough, working-class school,

the sort of school where the boys got in trouble and the girls got... pregnant.

-LAUGHTER

-Now, as we all know in this room,

teenage pregnancy isn't funny.

LAUGHTER

-However...

-LAUGHTER

I once witnessed the funniest thing in sex education.

I once witnessed my sexual education teacher, Mr Walker,

teach a heavily pregnant 14-year-old girl

how to put a condom on a banana.

We're like, "Mate, that ship has sailed, do you know what I mean?"

She's at the front of the class. She has never seen a condom in her life.

I mean, she's from Scotland, she's never seen a banana.

-LAUGHTER

-She's like that.

She's not got a clue what's going on. An awkward tension falls. It's the most embarrassing thing ever.

Then not me, a clown, a joker, if you will,

just emerges out of the ashes and to break the silence goes,

"Sir, you shouldn't be teaching her how to put a condom on a banana,

"you should be teaching her how to pull the banana out

"and make it cum on her tits."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Some of you are going, "That's dead funny, well done."

-LAUGHTER

-Some of you are going, "He's not going to finish on that, is he?"

-LAUGHTER

To which I say, I've been Ian Stirling, good night, God bless. Thank you very much. Cheers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go crazy, raise the roof for Mr Tony Law!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

All right!

Let's kick this thing in the ball bag!

Good! Let's see who we've got in. What a magical night.

Who've we got in? What's your name, fella?

-Pol Pot?

-Yeah.

It's Pol Pot, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest mass murderers of recent history.

I say greatest, you did a shit-load of it, well done, fella.

Got to be honest with you, Pol, I thought you'd look more Oriental.

I Googled it, it's OK to say that.

Pol Pot. What's your name, fella?

The Archduke Franz Ferdinand?

All the characters of history are in.

Little tip for you, don't trust anyone called Gavrilo.

Historically accurate... banter!

A lot of people have asked me lately, by that I mean, er, nobody,

nobody's been asking me lately, "What's going on with your look? What are you trying to achieve?"

And what I'm trying to achieve with my look, cos I think we all like to have a little story about our look,

mainly ladies and fellas like myself,

we like to have a little back story with our look.

Like you've got a look there, I can feel it,

I'm breathing it, your look, it says to me,

"One day I will be a wonderful husband and an excellent father."

You've been dealt with, prick.

Don't sit on my front row. I will fuck you up. LAUGHTER

You've got a look there, your look says to me,

"I know lots about science but I don't bang on about it."

Banter! LAUGHTER

My look, I'm trying to go for something that's part pirate,

part pirate, part Viking.

Or piking, if you will. Little joke there, a little joke.

Piking, or you could call it vikrate, couldn't you?

That'll just end up being pronounced Vik-ra-tay.

And it will develop into a martial art.

And you'll be on one of the urban streets one day,

and one of the urban youths will approach you with a hoodie on and a concealed weapon.

"How do you know he's got a concealed weapon?" My fear tells me so.

And he will approach you, like, "Yeah, like, like, like, like..."

I don't know what they sound like, I don't listen.

One of them will approach you, and you'll be like, "You better stand down, boy!

"You better stand down, you messed with the wrong guy tonight

"cos I know vikrate!

"And I will hack you down with my double-headed war axe!"

And they're like, "Yeah, but the thing is, old man,

"if you was from the Dark Ages, you'd be well dead, innit, cos life expectancy was low, innit bruv?"

LAUGHTER Touche. Well done.

You're better educated than I gave you credit for.

Maybe Britain is not broken!

And that is my final thing I have to say.

What a positive way to end.

Were you proud of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics? CHEERING

Yeah? I was. I moved here 22 years ago, I moved to the UK,

and thank you for adopting me. Thank you for having me.

I was so proud of the music. Like, Beijing Olympics,

do you remember the music they played in those?

No. Sorry, that was shit. LAUGHTER

But the opening ceremonies was wonderful, wasn't it?

It made us all proud with the magical creative genius of the United Kingdom.

And then the closing ceremonies,

they reminded us of how much shit music we can produce. CHEERING

Opening ceremonies, art, closing ceremonies, Legends Nightclub.

Anyway, folks, enjoy the rest of your night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Have a wonderful festival.

Tony Law!

Yes!

-Tony Law!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go crazy for your next act, the fantastic Matt Rees!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-AUDIENCE SHOUT

Thank you for staying up. I'm the Welsh one. It's nice to be here.

I come from a town called Maesteg in South Wales.

I've been gigging quite a lot recently.

I've been trying to think of the best way to describe Maesteg to my audience.

-Here's what I've come up with. We have a local shop...

-LAUGHTER

..where for £3 you can buy a multipack of crisps and a flagon of cider.

And with no apparent irony, that's the meal deal.

-So...

-LAUGHTER

A friend of mine told me recently

I'm a bit of a miserable bastard to be around.

I don't know if you're getting that vibe yet. It does get stronger.

It's because I've just left university

and recently found out exactly how unemployable I am as a human being.

I piss off members of the service industry without even trying any more.

I was kicked out of a local Subway restaurant recently.

I bought a sandwich. He said "Would you like a refillable cup with that?"

-I said, "All cups are refillable."

-LAUGHTER

If you've got yourself a cup that isn't refillable,

it's not a cup, is it?

-It's a tube, if anything.

-LAUGHTER

Then he asked me to leave. That's what happened there.

I am a comedian. I played Latitude Festival comedy tent recently.

It was a big deal for me, it was one of the biggest gigs I've even done,

so I thought I'd buy the brochure.

This cost me £10. I am in here.

My paragraph has a small but quite potent error in it.

I'm going to read it out cos usually one or two people spot it when it happens. Here we go.

Matt Rees, cabaret arena, Friday.

Matt Rees is an award-winning British crime novelist.

LAUGHTER

In 1996,

-he moved to Jerusalem...

-LAUGHTER

..for love, then got divorced.

It was inevitable, I was five.

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

The city had charmed him, not for the violence and excitement that sometimes surrounds these areas,

but because he saw people in extreme situations.

For his next book, based on Caravaggio,

he is learning to paint with oils and duel with a 17th century rapier.

LAUGHTER

Now, I think what might have happened here

is that there's two people in the world with the same name

and the research team at Latitude decided who was more likely to be playing a comedy tent...

-LAUGHTER

-..in Suffolk.

-In the industry, I think this is known as a Wikipedia cock-up.

-LAUGHTER

Everybody else's is right. Elbow, the band, they were headlining.

Their blurb is fine. It doesn't say, "Elbow, hinge joint..."

LAUGHTER

"..connecting the upper and lower arm."

That's not the most annoying book I've found recently.

I live with my parents in Wales.

I'm 22. I went into their bedroom to see if they had a Welsh-English dictionary.

They didn't. I did find this, though. This is The Pocket Book Of Foreplay.

LAUGHTER

This is real. This was published in 2011.

-"Why's he showing us this? Let's all go quiet."

-LAUGHTER

I think if you find The Pocket Book Of Foreplay in your parents' bedroom,

-you have to tell somebody, don't you?

-LAUGHTER

If you keep shit like this to yourself, something bad is going to happen later in life, isn't it?

Like a tumour or some poetry. So I'm sharing this with you.

LAUGHTER

Pocket book. Can you see that? That's the bit I don't like.

Tell you what, as a rule, you shouldn't have a pocket book for any activity

in which trousers are considered an obstacle. That's rule one for me.

LAUGHTER

This is how much of a coward I am. This isn't their copy.

I've had to buy my own. For gigs.

Otherwise they're going to notice it's missing, aren't they?

That's one phone call I can do without, to be honest.

"Hey, Matt, do you mind popping back to Wales, you've got something we need."

LAUGHTER

I've been taking this book to gigs with me and I will say one thing for it,

it's a brilliant book to have on your person

if you want two seats to yourself on public transport.

That's why my dad bought it, definitely.

I'm going to go now, back to Jerusalem, I suppose.

-These crime novels don't write themselves, do they?

-LAUGHTER

-Cheers.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Matt Rees!

OK!

Now we're safe.

We just have to hope there's not a fire

-at the school down the road.

-LAUGHTER

I went to school once. Twice seemed too much.

The only thing I learnt, how to part a sea of children.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Simple and cost-effective. It's like magic.

-Pick a card, sir. This card.

-LAUGHTER

Now, is...

..this your card? No?

Is this your card?

No? Is this your card?

-No? Picky.

-LAUGHTER

This your card? This your card?

Is this your card? These your cards?

Any of these? Pay close attention now.

Come on, keep your eyes peeled. We're going to get through this.

I'm here all day. None of these your card?

-OK. Let's try these.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This your card? These your cards? These your cards? No?

Guys, get involved. It's not just about him. We're a team here.

People tend to say...

..Ben...

..you bring...

..the energy... down.

My solution, we're going to pretend it's this wonderful man's birthday.

Now, good sir, I have, of course,

gone out of my way to fetch you the finest cake in the land.

-The Tunnock's Teacake.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Clearly some fans in.

It is, of course, rather small.

But that's because I spent all my money...

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-..on the candle!

LAUGHTER

Now then, people,

I thought we could end on some community bonding.

It's very simple. If you're holding a glass or you have a drink,

just put it underneath your chair.

And now,

on the count of three, everybody stand up.

One, two, up you get.

Could you please mimic the following hand actions.

This is what I like to call

-high-tenning God.

-LAUGHTER

Keep them up. Now then,

I'm going to read to you from a website entitled safeconcerts.com.

-Crowd surfers...

-LAUGHTER

..may have personal items stolen.

-Not today, my friends.

-LAUGHTER

Crowd surfers may be sexually abused by audience members.

Now, looking around, I can tell exactly what you're thinking.

"Ben, this is totally inappropriate."

But let me tell you something.

Yes, this...

..is... happening!

I weigh 65 kilograms, that's a third of a hay bale.

I am merely going to lean onto you

and you're going to pass me all the way to the back

and then back around to the stage.

But the most important thing is this,

if you're not lucky enough to be touching my body

as I pass,

you'd better be clapping.

-Otherwise... I'm coming back.

-LAUGHTER

Right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's do this!

Rock and roll! Come on!

We're all in it together!

Keep it coming. Oh, you're going to have to take me to the left,

take me to the right, come on, guys, yes! Good work!

You obviously trained for this as hard as I did.

Come on, guys. Come on, push your hands up.

It's not just about you. It's about all of us.

Yep. Almost at the back. Can you feel your hearts pumping?

Come on, over here! Over here!

Come on, guys, come on. Get in there. Ah, yes!

Doesn't it feel good? Does it not feel good?

Coming back around. Coming back around again.

It's not rock and roll, but I have to admit

I like it very much.

You're all right. There we go.

Oh!

A bit of a drop. Some might call it air pressure but I just like to say...

Oh, somebody's trying to rip it off!

Keep it coming, guys. Onto the stage. Onto the stage.

Oh, nearly there! Had my shoe stolen.

Come on! Oh, nearly there, guys.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Ben Target, everyone!

-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All that's left to say is thank you to all the acts.

I've been Chris Ramsey and you've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.

-Good night!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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