Episode 3 Comedy At The Fringe

Hello! I'm Chris Ramsey.

Welcome to Comedy At The Fringe here on BBC3!

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING

Ye-e-es!

Edinburgh Festival!

Whoo!

Yes! Ooh!

Give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.

Excellent stuff. Give us a cheer if it's your first time.

One guy!

Mate, you look like it's the first time you've been out of the house!

"Yeah!

"The sky's blue!"

Magic. We've got an amazing, amazing night. It's the maddest comedy night I've ever been part of.

It's going to be good stuff. You've got your drink on the stage. Disrespectful. No, keep it there.

We all built this today so you could use it as a table.

He put it back! Fair play.

-What's your name, pal?

-Mark.

-Mark? He just froze after that.

"Mark. That's all you're getting." What have you been doing today?

-Er...not much.

-Mark's bottled it immediately.

-What do you do?

-I'm employed as of Monday.

-Employed as of Monday? Congratulations!

-CHEERING

-That's amazing.

-What did you do before?

-Student.

-Studying?

-Geography.

Geography. Fantastic. You found your way here. Well done.

-What's the job?

-Selling charity challenge holidays.

Selling charity challenge holidays. Four years at university well spent there, mate.

Right, we are going to crack on now. Please, give it up for Radio One's beatbox champion

It's the fantastic PETEBOX!

CHEERING

THROBBING BASS

DANCE BEAT BEGINS

Ye-eah!

So PETEBOX is going to be on and off introing acts on and stuff.

Instead of a little CD player to get acts on, he'll do the intros.

All good? Happy with that? You had no choice in the matter.

But I made it look like you did. Nice if it was a democracy, but it's not.

You're like, "If I haven't got a choice, I'm leaving."

Are you? Good. We have got all kinds of acts tonight.

It's stand up, it's sketch, it's musical. All kinds of acts.

Crazy stuff, avant garde, everything. This is a slice of the Fringe for the people at home

and for you people who just got drunk and came to something cos it said BBC.

Are you ready for your first fantastic act?

Welcome on stage the brilliant Naz Osmanoglu!

Hello! How are we doing? Are we well?

Hello, Edinburgh. My name is Naz Osmanoglu. I'm half-English, half-Turkish.

-It's very difficult being dual nationality.

-Yeah!

Hello, there. There's my dad, my mum.

It's very difficult.

My father is Turkish, my mother is English. They're both a bit racist,

so I...hate myself.

Yes, my dad is a very angry Turkish man. He's also very rude.

He sort of makes up his own language. It's a patois.

A combination between pidgin English and constant aggression.

He makes up his own phrases, such as, "Shut up your face!" That means, "Please be quiet."

"What the shit are you doing?" That means, "Lovely to meet you."

Sometimes he just abbreviates phrases. "Fuck out!"

My personal favourite, to be honest, is, "Fuck out, asshole!"

Which means, "Naz, not now."

He's very self-important, my father. Very self-important.

He's never really used public transport. He doesn't understand how buses work.

"No, keep going. I don't want to get off here. I have not yet reached my destination.

"I do not want to fuck out here." Even when he hails a cab. "Please, take me home."

He assumes people know where he lives.

Sometimes communication totally breaks down. Especially with women.

He was trying to compliment a lady on her perfume. It was innocent, but came out as, "I like your smell!"

This is my father. We're similar in some ways, though.

I'm awful with public transport. I hate it. I get overcharged by accident.

The other day I was travelling from London Paddington to Bristol.

I was trying to use my Young Person's Railcard, but it was void.

They treated me like I was no longer young or a person! They charged me £169 for a return journey.

£169!

I want to buy a train ticket, not the fucking train!

£169! The guy's there in the hi-vis jacket going, "No, no, no. Rules are rules. Don't shoot the messenger."

How can I?! I can't afford a fucking gun! What kind of maniac charges £169?!

For £169, I could fly to Greece and back...with Greece!

For £169 I expect my own personal carriage,

with a Jacuzzi on one end and the beach on the other!

I want a pedalo and I want a tan when I arrive!

And for £169, do you know what else? Toilets that don't smell of pish and shit!

Then, of course, came the inevitable delay.

"We are sorry for the delay to this service due to all the money we have taken off you

"weighing the train down!"

You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you, unless you are from the train company, in which case fuck out!

Thank you, good evening and good night. Bye bye!

Naz Osmanoglu, everyone! What about Naz Osmanoglu?!

Are you ready for Romesh Ranganathan?

Welcome, Romesh Ranganathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm very excited to be here.

WHOOPING

-Are we enjoying the weather?

-Yes!

-I like the weather like this.

I don't like extremes. Last summer where I lived, it was extremely hot.

I was sitting in the barber's, complaining about how hot it was.

This complete stranger turned to me and he says, "I can't believe you lot.

"I can't believe you lot. You come over here, don't you, eh?

"Come over here and complain about how bloody hot it is!"

And I thought, "I am going to put this prick in his place." Assuming that I'm an immigrant!

So I said to him, "Well, actually, sir, the climatic conditions in Crawley,

"where I originate from are very similar to the ones that we're experiencing here.

"Just goes to show you."

To which his genuine response was, "Bloody hell, mate! You're picking up the language brilliantly."

So I complained about that, but in the winter one of my favourite pastimes

is to pretend to passers-by that I've just arrived in the country

and I'm seeing snow for the very first time.

On a really good day, they take photographs, which is lovely.

I'm quite an antisocial person. Life keeps telling me I shouldn't interact with anyone at all.

I'll give you an example of this. I was on my way to a concert at the O2 -

I'm not showing off, but things are going all right - and I was on the train

and speaking to a mate I was meeting and I said as a bit of banter,

"How will I know which one is the O2?"

Not excellent, I admit, but I was oiling the wheels of conversation.

This woman opposite me looks at me and goes, "It looks like a big tent."

So a) she thought that I really didn't know what it looked like

and b) she thought I wouldn't recognise it when I got there,

like I might knock on the door of somebody's house and go, "Is Dizzee Rascal in here or what?"

Then it occurred to me that this woman is actually trying to help me.

I don't want to act like an idiot.

So I thought, "How can I respond in a way that makes it look like that was the right thing for her to do?"

So I just turned to her and said...

COMEDY INDIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much.

And then I remembered that she had heard the rest of the conversation.

So I just looked like a nutter.

I, um, I used to be a teacher. You might not be able to tell. WHOOPING

-Are there teachers in?

-Whoo!

I definitely don't want to have a conversation with you.

-I used to be a Maths teacher.

-Whoo!

Oh, my God. People are cheering Maths. I wasn't expecting that.

The school that I taught at, they had uniform.

They wanted us to clamp down on uniform, to make sure that shirts were tucked in et cetera.

Don't worry about spelling and numeracy. Let's get this sorted out.

And we had a Sixth Form at our school and telling Sixth Form lads to sort their uniform out

is absolutely not a problem. I've got no issue with that.

Telling Sixth Form girls to sort their uniform out is something I feel more uncomfortable about.

I don't want to have that conversation. It's embarrassing.

But I found if I just looked at them for long enough, they soon covered themselves up.

I mean the lazy eye helped. Just...

And the thing is, right, the textbooks are multi-cultural.

So every single question has got to have a black kid and a white kid.

Or a white kid and an Asian kid.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hang out with a kid of another colour

if every time I met up with him he wanted to do bloody Maths!

-I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I am actually married.

-Awww!

Oh, piss off. I've got two children, right,

and I've been very excited because I found a way to tell off other people's children.

I love my children, but when you go out, you have to deal with other people's children. Very awkward.

I don't want to tell them off, but I found a way.

I was at the cinema recently. This kid was being a little prick.

Throwing popcorn about and stuff. His parents did nothing about it.

So I just crouched down quietly and said, "Listen, you little shithead,

"pull that again and I'm going to punch you in the face. Understand?"

And then as his parents approached me and could hear, I went,

"And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people. OK? Sorry.

"Don't worry about it.

"Don't worry, it's fine."

You should try it, but you'll have to brown up. It's worth it.

I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much! CHEERING

Yes! Romesh Ranganathan, everyone!

Give it up, give it up!

We're going to do a song for you now.

It's a love song and it's called Horse Outside.

It's about being at a wedding and things go really well.

# Oh

# Oh

# I'm fucking so in love with you

# Ah

# I'm at Amanda's wedding In the church on Thomas Street

# I'm looking at a bridesmaid and she's looking back at me

# And when the service ends I ask her if she wants a lift

# Back to the hotel and if it goes well Finger and a shift

# She says, "Fitzy drives a Mitzy And he offered me a spin

# "And Enda has a Honda So I might just go with him

# "And Derek said he'd bring me in his Subaru

# "So what the fuck would make you think I'd wanna go with you?"

# I said fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside

# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside

# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside

# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside

# She said, "I don't believe you" I said it's fucking true

# I swapped him for a bag of yokes in 1992

# I don't need insurance I don't need no parking space

# And if you try to clamp my horse He'll kick you in the face

# I don't pay no tax Fuck MOT

# You'll arrive in style if you ride with me

# And the boys are walking over Jingling their keys

# I look the fuckers up and down And give them one of these

# I said fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside

# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside

# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside

# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside

# Giddy up now, baby Bless my soul

# I rode the fucker off the field Since he was a foal

# He runs a bit like Shergar And he jumps like Tir na Nog

# He looks like Billie Piper after half an ounce of coke

# And the boys are looking jealous As I lead Joanne away

# And just before I close the door I look at her and say

# Would you be my girl She says, "I will, of course

# "If you grab me by the ponytail and ride me like a horse"

# Fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside

# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside

# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside

# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside

# Giddy up now, baby Giddy up now, baby

# Giddy up, giddy up Giddy up and get back, ow!

# Giddy up

# Giddy up, giddy up

# Giddy up, giddy up My fucking horse, yeah. #

Thank you very much!

We're the Rubberbandits. You're lovely! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let me hear you shout, "Janey!"

How are we doing, people? CROWD CHEER

My name is Janey. I am from the East End of Glasgow.

I come from a place where an Oxo cube is a starter.

I'm from a place where the Catholics hate the Protestants, the Protestants hate the Catholics,

occasionally a brown person turned up and took the heat off everybody.

Good on you.

Also, just to let you know,

that as a mother, I've got a child. I know you're thinking, "How did that happen?"

-I'm 51 and I've reached an age...

-Aww!

-I know, this skin is beautiful.

-I love you, Janey!

-You're scaring me, Mum! So...

It's weird, cos my mum's dead. Anyway...

I've reached a brilliant age at 51. Amazing. When I was 30, I was terrified people wouldn't like me.

"Hello, look at me. Come to my house for dinner."

At 40 I'd have you round for tea. Now at 51 I've realised I don't fecking like anybody.

Get oot ma hoose. I only like five folk. One came oot me, one goes in me and the others are comedians.

CHEERING

And most of them have been here tonight, so, yeah,

my daughter, Ashley, she's 26 and she went to a private school in Glasgow. I'm working class,

she's middle class. She likes couscous. I thought it was a disease if you touched a Castlemilk boy.

But...

Ashley went to a private school. 75 grand's worth of private education.

That's a lot of heroin to shift. I'm joking. I owned a pub. Same effect, different drug.

Anyway, Ashley went to a posh school and, as you can tell, I'm not really one of those mothers

that can bake.

I'm no' a posh wummin. You know wummin with a scarf for every day?

You know wummin who bake? I don't understand that. Buy a cake. They sell that shit in the shops.

Seriously, just buy it. Who's blending flour into sugar? Are you mad?

You know the kind of woman you and I know has never had sex up against a fridge?

Come on! We're Scottish!

We can have sex up against a fridge and fry an omelette.

"As soon as you've finished, mate, there's some fried goods."

These women hated me. They used to look at me and go, "I know who you are.

"You're that little girl's mum. The comedienne."

I'd say, "Actually, I'm a hooker and your husband owes me a fiver."

No, I'm not in with them.

So I love...I love men. When you see females stand-ups, you always assume they hate men. I love men.

I'll tell you why I love men. Men like five things.

Their house, their kids, their job, they like sex and sausages.

And see if you show them a picture of a shark, they're o'er the moon.

There isnae a man here in this room if you said, "I'm gonnae gie you sex and a sausage

"and then show you a shark," he'd be like, "I'm gonnae tile your bathroom, bitch!" Totally.

Men love that stuff. I love the fact that men love sex and sausages and sharks.

In fact, I think that would be the cue for world peace.

And if Kofi Annan ever has time off, I will go to the Middle East, stand on a car,

get a loudspeaker and go, "Everybody calm down! We've got sex and sausages.

"Clearly not pork. That would be offensive.

"And then we'll gie you a shark." I tell you, the al-Qaeda would be like that.

"I'm done wi' this noo." Obviously no' with a Scottish accent.

"I'm done wi' this. There's a woman gonnae gie us sex and sausages

"and I'm gonnae find oot what a shark is." Brilliant.

Women are different. Women approach a relationship like this.

CLICKING

"I'm an emotional Rubik's cube. Can you work me out yet?"

Poor men are like, "Eh, I'll feckin' gie it a go."

"Are you pullin' the stickers off that?" "No!

"I just cannae work that oot. Can I just have sex and a sausage, please?"

I'm gonnae end on this. I'm 50. I thought last year I was pregnant.

Absolutely terrifying. Nobody wants to be pregnant at 50. I said to Ashley, "I think I'm pregnant."

She said, "It's no' mine."

You're a weird child. That's why I love you.

And then I ran to the chemist and, like every woman in this room,

the minute you pay £25 for a pregnancy test, you're like, "I better be pregnant noo."

Came hame, peed on it, gave it to Ashley,

cos she has to watch it cos I have to have a fight with my man.

"You! This is your fault." "It's no' ma fault!"

My husband's got Asperger's. I have sex with a man who shouts, "Is that written in a black pen?"

So horny.

Ooh.

And then...Ashley came out and said, "Mum! It's got two lines on it! You're pregnant!"

I went, "Oh!" My husband made that noise that all men make.

He went..."Yay." LAUGHTER

And then Ashley went, "Ha ha! I'm joking! I drew a line on it."

My husband went, "Is that in a black pen?"

Guys...

Thank you very much. You've been nice. I've been Janey. Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please go crazy, go wild for this fantastic guy. An Australian man.

He's brilliant, he's crazy. You're going to love him. Mr Sam Simmons, everyone!

CHEERING

Thank you.

Aw. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to me doing some things!

-CHEERING #

-Things!

-#

No, you missed the sound cue. Welcome to me doing some things!

-#

-Things!

-#

Things. Don't clap that. It's not good.

Most of the stories you're about to hear right now are real. Only some of the names, contents, words

-and actual stories have been changed to make them better. #

-Make them better!

-#

-I may or may not say cupboard wank. #

-Cupboard wank!

-#

-Before I actually get into it, I've got some rules. #

-Rules!

-#

-May I please have some rules music? #

-Rules music!

-#

RHYTHMIC BEAT

CLAPPING ALONG Don't clap! It's not kindy!

These are the rules for tonight. Rule Number One: no running with scissors at the gig!

If you run with scissors, you're liable to snip a nipple.

Snipple!

Rule Number Two:

If you're a horticulturalist and brought a rake along tonight, make sure you keep it horizontal.

You don't want to obscure the gig for people sitting behind you.

No? All right. Fair enough.

Rule Number Three: no molesting people at the gig! Unless you know them, then molest away!

Rule Number Four: if you brought a moth along tonight, make sure he's wearing little tiny shorts.

Safety first!

Rule Number Five: there will be no Viennetta! NO VIENNETTA!

Don't do that!

Hang on. Turn off the music, man.

That's a Meximo.

It's like a Meximo...

Well, it's... Like an Eskimo/Mexican hybrid.

It's not PC, a Meximo.

It's like an Inuit Latino or an Inuino... That's more appropriate.

That's Clayton. He can't find his backpack anywhere.

And there's a mystical vortex in the egg compartment in the fridge.

That's some hard-core toast.

This is when I went to Sea World on the Gold Coast and accidentally touched a dolphin on the eyeball.

Then they made me go away from Sea World forever.

OK.

-Knock knock!

-Who's there?

-Come on! KNOCK KNOCK!

-WHO'S THERE?

-Fridge!

-Fridge who?

-Fridge Cat!

This is me showing off. It's just a really good picture.

A starfish yelling at a hand.

No? All right.

AAAAAAARGH!

AUDIENCE GROAN

That's the wrong way to milk a cow.

No! That would have been the first way! They didn't know to do that.

That reminds me of... You've got those shops over here. Poundsaver.

Poundland. Always got stupid names.

One in Edinburgh's called Thistle Do Nicely. Terrible shop. They sell useless stuff, redundant items.

Go into one of those shops. They've got crazy names in Australia. Crazy Clinton's Bargain Warehouse.

Anyway, you go on in. This is fun. You look for the most redundant item you can find.

I found this - a ceramic reindeer standing on a grassy mound with a thermometer out of the side.

You know when you need a reindeer thermometer heaps quick? No?

I wander back four days later and I say, "Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for something in a reindeer.

"Doesn't have to be a reindeer. Any type of hooved animal.

"But it has to have some type of measurement of weather attached."

He lost his mind! "Oh, my God! I've got exactly that item!"

When he brings it back, just go, "It's kind of like what I was looking for..."

That's where macaroons come from.

A Shetland person.

This is a fun game - wood, wood, not wood. We played when I was a kid.

Two unrelatable items of wood and one that's not wood.

Wood!

Wood!

Not wood!

It's fun. Now what's going on here?

This fella here, he's accidentally drunk an entire bottle of dishwashing detergent. OK?

And then the natural progression of that is what happens after that.

He shubbles, shubbles.

Shubbles.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's Sam Simmons, everyone!

All that's left to say is thank you to all of tonight's acts. You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe!

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd