Episode 4 Comedy At The Fringe

I'm Chris Ramsey and these are some comedians from this year's Edinburgh Festival!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.

CHEERING

So, we've got another selection of absolutely fantastic comics

and acts coming up.

Oh, oh, you're just coming back in there!

All right, no-one saw you, mate! It's OK.

You looked like you were violently and terrifiedly

looking for some money you'd dropped!

CHUCKLING

LAUGHTER

The almost-falling-over run.

Just a bit what? Pissed? Good, I'm glad you are.

-CHEERING

-Good, yeah. People normally go, "I'm drunk, fuck you!"

He went, "I'm just a bit drunk. I'm terribly sorry."

-Don't you apologise, you enjoy yourself, mate!

-CHEERING

Well, you WERE apologising, don't go back on it! What's your name, pal?

-Hugo.

-Hugo, of course it is. Hugo! Holy shit.

-LAUGHTER

-Don't you dare tell me you're from Edinburgh.

-More or less.

-More or less?!

You sound like you're from Surrey - what the hell's going on?

-Scottish people, I wouldn't be standing for that. I'd be furious!

-LAUGHTER

What we're going to do, we are going to crack on now.

Please, go crazy, go wild,

go mental and raise the roof for the brilliant Jimeoin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

IRISH ACCENT: Thank you. Hello, thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. How are we all? Good? Yes!

CHEERING

As if I care. No, I do. Erm...

I have a strong accent, I'm sorry about this. Ha!

Bit shy at the start and I tend to mumble quite a bit too so...

MUMBLES: Ha-ha, good luck with yous anyway, to even know the half of it would be good! Ha-ha!

HE MUMBLES ..so I did!

LAUGHTER

I am, I am a bit shy at the start.

Takes me a little bit of time just to get going, you know?

Like, you know when you go and see a band

and you want to cut loose, you want to really enjoy yourself

but you're just aware of yourself and all you can do is this...

LAUGHTER

..and you're talking to yourself. "Come on, go, you can do this!"

And there's that girl that starts dancing before everybody else

but she CAN'T dance. She's doing this...

She even stuffed the band up.

They can't even play in time any more. They're just...

LAUGHTER

Oh...

Good to be alive, isn't it?

Tedious, though.

Gets to the point where it's just the same shit over and over again.

Certain jobs in life remind you of that, isn't it?

Putting the bins out is very much one of those jobs.

Standing in the street going, "I hate this. Putting the bins out."

Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins...

LAUGHTER ..I enjoy that...

Bit of fun to be had there!

I hate it when I'm in bed and then I realise I haven't put the bins out.

"F...! Bin night!" Back out of bed, clothes back on.

Or bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep

and you can hear the bin truck and you haven't put the bins out. LAUGHTER

"Oh!"

Running down the street, naked, with two bins behind you.

That's no way to start the day, is it?

Job I hate the most in life - you know when you go to bed at night

and you open the bedroom door...

and there is no sheets on the bed.

GROANING

No pillow slip, no cover and you're like, "Oh, no!"

"I only left enough strength to get to bed.

"I wasn't picturing having to do this at this time of night!"

You can't believe what you're looking at.

It's the bare mattress, is like a slab in a mortuary,

it's the opposite of what you're expecting.

You have to get everything off the bed, get everything off the bed...

Fitted sheets first. Fitted sheet won't play the game.

You can't unravel it, you don't know what corner's what -

you could have a false start.

And, you know, you have to walk around the bed -

it's at that bad-back height.

Walking around the bed trying to put the fitted sheet on,

talking to your partner going,

"Fuck, we had the whole day to do this!"

You have to lift the mattress up, get your knee in underneath.

It's like a drum. The cat won't clear off it.

CHUCKLING

It's cos he's underneath the sheet.

Pillow slips are next.

Yeah, I sit down and have a rest for those.

Sigh before I start.

HE SIGHS

Cos you're a long way from home...

you got the cover to do next!

How do you do the cover?

You're not too sure what you're doing, are you?

There's a woman with an option. What do you do, love?

-Inside out!

-Inside out?

CHEERING Turn inside out...

grab the corners, grab the two corners, yes.

But there's heavy wafting in that technique, isn't there?

I like it.

I know you're on your own. No-one to help you.

I climb inside the cover. LAUGHTER

Climb right inside it - who's with me?

Pull the quilt in with me, grab the two corners and then go...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've slept inside the covers.

Pissed.

Pillow slip over my head.

Ha!

Dreamt I was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Paisley version.

We were nice.

I like to go to bed before my partner,

get her book - she's got a page folded back.

I go back about ten pages, fold that page back.

Very funny.

Watch her reading with that look on her face.

"This all seems very familiar." LAUGHTER

"Are you laughing?" "No, I'm having a wank."

That's the only joy I get out of life these days.

Winding my wife up.

Another time, she was in the bedroom,

I went into the bathroom to freshen up...!

Got me nuts into the sink.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

As you do.

You always have to get up on your tiptoes

to get your nuts in the sink.

Doesn't matter what sink it is, always up on your tiptoes.

It's properly how the plumber measured the height of the sink.

No - a plumber with a saw?

It's ridiculous!

Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much, enjoy the rest of your night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone, how are we? Are we well?

CHEERING

Yes, it's good to have some people in here tonight.

How many Scots have we got in? Give me a cheer if you're Scottish!

CHEERING

I could tell by the rumble of drunkenness in the room.

-I knew that. I'm from Glasgow, it's nice being in Edinburgh...

-Woo!

One "Woo!" That's my mum. Thank you.

She didn't know I was her son, so that's surprising.

I like being Scottish in Edinburgh when the Festival's on

cos you see a lot of tourists, and the tourists hear the accent,

and you get American tourists on the Royal Mile.

And I had two approach me going, "Are you from...? Are you from...?"

I don't why I gave this woman a stroke now,

"Are you from, are you from...? Can't feel my arm.

-"Are you... I smell toast." This woman's dead.

-LAUGHTER

"Are you from...?" Thanks for the single applause there,

that was a doctor trying to find a vein.

Erm, "Are you, are you from Scotland?"

I'm like, "Yes! I'm from Scotland!"

She's deaf now, as well. And, erm, I said I'm from Gla...

"Are you from Glasgow?" "Yes, I'm from Glasgow."

And she said to me, she said, "Is Glasgow the same as Edinburgh?"

I was like, "What do you mean?"

She went, "Well, the tourists in Edinburgh,

"we go for a ghost walk at night, can you do that in Glasgow?"

"Well, you can go for a walk at night in Glasgow -

"you'll end up the ghost! Be my guest, love."

-LAUGHTER

-She never came through.

Do you know what I like as well?

I like the fact the Olympics were on and Scotland embraced that.

I thought that was good.

I think part of it was the fact that we had some events in Scotland.

We had the Olympic football at Hampden Park -

still managed to mess that up but, hey!

If you're going to piss off certain countries in the world,

try not to make it North Korea, is that all right?

We had the North Korean ladies' football team

walk out to the wrong flag.

I mean, if you're going to get the wrong flag make it Estonia,

Belgium, have a laugh!

Don't put South Korea up there!

There's a wee guy in charge of the flags going,

"What, North Korea, South Korea, nae career, I'm finished, right!"

It was at that moment the British Olympics

became the Scottish Olympics - what a night, it was great!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

We loved it, and they came out, and they tried...

It was like that, they were trying to compare it to how it would be,

"It would be like the Scotland team walking out to the England flag."

I know we have a bit of banter but it's hardly the same thing!

By that comparison you're saying Scotland

is some kind of backward nation,

it is a cold, depressing place with a small leader

that wants to take over the world, with access to nuclear weap...

Actually, it is quite similar, to be fair.

-Now I think about it.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's got a lot going on there but I love it, I love Scotland.

I love the fact that we're proud of who we are,

I love the fact we watched the Olympic opening ceremony with pride

and we loved it - apart from one small group of people.

The small group of people in Glasgow

who are tasked with organising the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony

in two years. Watching how good that was, going, "Oh, shite!"

"Gonnae cancel the Krankies! It's no' gonnae work, right?

"Get the big guns -

-"have you got the number for SuBo and Lorraine Kelly?"

-LAUGHTER

Yes, we have the Commonwealth Games.

The next big sporting event in Britain,

it two years' time, there, in Glasgow!

We've no idea how we won the bid!

Think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,

saw all of us walking about in tracksuits

and thought, "Oh, they must be sporty!"

DES LAUGHS

"Gie's yer wallet, there's 100 metres! Thanks, mate!"

We love it.

We watched the last Commonwealth Games from Delhi, in India.

They came on TV and went, "These are the most violent and aggressive Commonwealth Games of all time."

Us in Glasgow went, "Aye, we'll see about that, big man!"

"We've all got our own javelins, get it up ye, right?"

I love the little stories that come out of this.

There's a little woman in the East End of Glasgow.

They're trying to move her out of her house

to build the stuff for the Commonwealth Games

and she did this reaction that certain women of a certain age have when they want to prove a point.

They move their head side to side when they're angry,

"Don't you talk to me!"

"I'm not moving..."

It's the opposite of guys trying to chat ladies up.

They move their heads forward, like pigeon. "Oh, like to have sex?"

Right? "Don't talk to me!"

Between the two you've got all the compass points covered, it's great!

This little woman's like that, "I'm not moving house!"

I think good on that woman, she's lived there all her life.

They should be forced to build the whole Commonwealth Games

around that wee woman! I think that would be brilliant.

She should live in the sandpit for the long jump, I'd love that!

Come out every two minutes, "That was NEVER eight metres, you wank!"

I'd love that!

Listen, I need to go in a minute. I need the toilet but...

It's been lovely to speak to you people tonight.

You will notice, the visitors that ever come

and visit this great country, is that we're very lovable and friendly

but we're accidentally aggressive to each other.

Don't mind that, that's nothing wrong.

We're aggressive to each other even in couples.

I had an ex-girlfriend argue with me one night, she hated me.

Half an hour she went on, she went, "Your eyelashes..."

Sorry, "Your eyelashes are too long!"

-"Gonnae have sex with me," right?

-LAUGHTER

She's right, the eyelashes ARE too long.

There's nothing I can do about that.

"Your eyelashes are too long, that's not fair,

"they don't belong on a guy!"

I'm like, "I say nothing about your moustache, what's the problem?"

You've been amazing, Edinburgh. I'll see you again soon.

-Thanks very much, good night!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got two guys, two fantastic guys coming to the stage now.

They're called Totally Tom, they were also nominated last year,

for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Awards

so please go crazy, go wild,

welcome to the stage the brilliant Totally Tom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dead man walking!

Convict, step forward!

Now, we're going to walk you through this, kid, like we rehearsed.

-I'm nervous.

-Course you are, kid. You're about to be killed.

-Ha!

Convict has had his last meal.

Doritos and cream cheese - heavy on the cream cheese.

-Are you satisfied?

-No. Made me all thirsty.

I'm sorry, there's no such thing as a last drink.

Well, I wish I'd ordered something different.

Convict will now say his last words.

You know when...

You know...

You know that guy from...

-Convict...

-No, you wait!

-SQUEAKS:

-You know...?

Nah.

Convict will now be played his last song. Track three!

Convict will now perform his last interpretive dance! As rehearsed.

# And I'd give up for ever to touch you

# Cos I know that you feel me somehow

# You're the closest to heaven... #

Prison guard will now involve himself in interpretive dance! As rehearsed.

Good luck, kid.

# All I could taste is this moment

# And all I can breathe is your life

# And sooner or later it's over

# I just don't want to miss you tonight

# And I don't want the world to see me

# Cos I don't think that they'd understand

# When everything's made to be broken

# I just want you to know who I am... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

THEY MOVE IN TIME TO THE DRUMBEATS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, er, may I just say what an honour that was

-to dance with you, kid.

-And may I just say...

# And I don't want the world to see me... #

We're Totally Tom! Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Totally Tom!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, how are you? How's it going?

Hello, my name is Eleanor, I'm a comedian from Ireland.

I present a television programme over there.

Yeah, it's where I take Irish celebrities

and find out what the ancestors were doing during the famine.

We call it Who Do You Think You Ate?

Give me a cheer if you drive a car.

CHEERING Excellent, excellent.

I have a little tip for you, people.

Here's how anybody at all can park in the mother-and-baby spot, OK?

What you do is you park there, you go in, you get your shopping,

you come back out, and that's when somebody will strike.

OK, somebody is going to come over to you at that point and they'll go,

"Excuse me...

"you're supposed to be a mother and a baby to park there."

At this point your acting ability must kick in.

What you have to do now is go...

"Oh, no!"

"I'm after losing her!"

They get upset for you then.

They'll be like, "You've lost your baby?!"

And you can be like, "No, I've lost my mother."

I think that I would have made an excellent supermodel

if I'd been given the chance

because there is a technique to supermodelling

that supermodels must have to learn at some point in their careers

but I figured it out all on my own.

The technique is that when you're walking down the catwalk

you must walk down the catwalk

as if you have something very important to tell everyone

but at the very last minute you decide that they wouldn't understand.

Here we go.

-MAN:

-Woo!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does anybody here know a television programme called America's Next Top Model?

CHEERING It's brilliant. There's America's, Canada's, Britain's, Australia's -

I am dying to see the Irish version of America's Next Top Model.

Except for Ireland doesn't really have a top model

so I think it would have to be called Ireland's First Half-Decent Model.

LAUGHTER

I think I would be a good hostess for that show.

When the job comes up I'm going to go for it.

I'd get up there and say things like,

"Fiona...you came here...a shy,

"nervous, impressionable girl from Waterford

"and now you're full of shit..."

"..but we're not seeing it in your photographs."

"Claire, from Cork,

"we sent you to meet one of the world's top fashion designers.

"You showed up hammered drunk, parked illegally

"and put your head through the windscreen of a traffic warden's van.

"You walked into that boardroom with bits of glass in your hair

"and blood streaming from your left eye,

"and you told John Paul Gaultier to go fuck himself..."

"Fair play to you.

"You're still in with a shout of becoming

"Ireland's First Half-Decent Model."

Folks, I've been Eleanor Tiernan, thank you so much. Goodbye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next act coming to the stage - are we ready?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I love you people, I swear!

Next act coming to the stage is Big D. Go crazy, go wild for Big D!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, MUSIC STARTS

-RAPS:

-What you say your name was? You know you're sexy right now?

You and your girls

You're a good girl

Why don't you take off your jacket?

What's your name, baby?

Word. OK. Tell your friend...

I didn't ask them to play any music.

LAUGHTER

Easy, what's going on? Is everyone feeling so good?

CHEERING

It worked. Erm, er...

None of yous lot could hear what was going on backstage, could you? No?

See, I wasn't crying, anyways. Ha-ha-ha!

And even if I was it's probably just cos I was thirsty, like.

Sometimes you've just got to get high of your own supply, like.

"High" as in hydrated!

Erm, I'm going to have to be, like,

deadly serious with you lot for a second, though, yeah?

Erm, well, I'm kind of pranging out

and getting a bit panicky and shit but, erm...

Well, for two reasons -

number one, I didn't know that I was going to be surrounded by scaffolding

when I came on stage like this. It's kind of egging me out, like.

I thought they would have built the stage by the time I came on stage.

We're nearly at the end of the night, innit, and it's still there.

I keep expecting a builder to, like, fall on my head, innit?

They should have given me a hard hat but instead they just put some Sellotape on my hat

and that's not going to protect me from anything, like.

Erm, and the second thing is that I didn't know

that this whole comedy thing tonight was going to be, like, a...

comedy thing, tonight.

Erm, and not actually a comedian.

Ha-ha-ha!

Erm, I'm actually, I'm a musician, like an MC, like, a beat maker,

like, erm, a "rapsmith", if you will.

Smithing raps.

Erm, so, yeah, I don't really know what to do.

Like, when I got to the front door the guy was like,

"Oh, yeah, you know it's comedy?" And I was like...

I said to him, I went, "What, man?!"

Just cos I was so shocked at the situation, like,

I swear, I just pranged out.

I ran out the studio, like, just running around saying, like,

"Oh, no!"

Just cos I was so, like, confronted by the situation but, like, I did,

like, although, I'm here now, so, I could just do a tune, innit?

Is everyone comfy of hearing a tune?

CHEERING

I ain't never had a response like that before, I'm telling you!

This is, like, 20 times the size of the audience.

Wait, how many, how much is one into 100?

Anyways, but yeah, so, I'll do a tune.

OK, so... But I don't have my DJ.

Sir, could you come up on stage for one second? Is that cool?

Yeah, yeah, come on up. Give him a round of applause, innit?

I'll tell you what you're going to do in one second

but I need you lot, you're not all off the hook!

There's going to be some audience partici-cation -

I don't know if you've heard of that. It's just really fun for you, innit?

The tune is called Boys And Girls, yeah?

CHEERING

You know it? Shit.

OK, so when I say "boys" I need all the boys in the house to say, "Yeah."

Is that cool? Everyone got that? So I say boys.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

You're not a boy! TITTERING

Unless I'm mistaken, like! But that was... One more time, boys!

-BOYS:

-Yeah!

-Sick. You lot got it down, man.

We should all meet up and just do that together one time.

Just say yeah, innit? Be really weird.

I don't know, probably quite boring. Anyways...

When I say "girls," I need the girls in the house to go...

IN HIGH VOICE: "What is it?"

And that's, "What is it?", and that's the thing, we don't know,

that's why it's so intriguing.

OK, so it's, "What is it?" So, I say, "Girls".

-GIRLS:

-What is it?

Tingles, like!

You lot said, "What is it?" before, like? Snap.

-OK, cool, OK, so, you lot done. So I say "boys". BOYS:

-Yeah!

-Girls! GIRLS:

-What is it?

-Snap! You got it!

OK, so, what I need from you, sir, basically, I have no natural sense of rhythm,

I need you to just do, like, a steady clap for me.

Just like a... Yeah, yet you got it. OK, just a bit better.

Just a little. OK. All right. OK.

OK, now, just slow it down.

OK, just take it right down.

No, ridiculously slow.

Take it down, man. Slow. Slow. Slow. Slow.

Now, we're getting somewhere.

Bruv, take it right down. You got it, man.

You're the captain.

Bruv, sail the ship, man.

We're going down to Cornwall, man, we're going south.

Let's go to the beach, man.

I got some vinegar for our chips, innit?

Oh, my God.

Bruv, that is savoury, bruv.

Slower, take it down, man.

You're in control, let's go to the core of the Earth, innit?

Bruv, you've got something there, Bruv. That is dirty, Bruv!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Bruv, we should record this and release it, innit?

Just you clapping and me complimenting your clapping, like.

I don't know if there's a market for it but I'd buy, like, 100.

Sell it to my family, they'd be so proud.

Actually, you know, cut it. It's not working.

But can you stay on stage anyway

cos when I'm MCing I like it to look like I've got a crew.

And what a crew - look at this guy, like!

CHEERING

What's that? Is that a Scottish thing? I don't know, man.

But, like, yeah, man, what a crew, innit?

This guy's so cool, like, innit?

Like, he's the kind of guy that even though he's standing like this

he looks like standing like this, innit?

Joker. Anyway, OK, we're going to do the tune!

Everyone remember what they're doing? When I say "boys," what will they do?

-BOYS:

-Yeah!

-When I say "girls," what will they do?

-GIRLS:

-What is it?

-Snap! OK, let's go, let's do this. OK, so, boys!

-Yeah!

-Girls!

-Yeah!

-Yeah, boys!

-Yeah!

-Girls, man!

-What is it?

-Yeah, boys! Yeah! Girls!

-What is it?

-Boys!

-Yeah!

-Mix it up, say boys again, boys!

-Yeah!

-Girls!

-What is it?

-Yeah, boys, louder!

-Yeah!

-Girls!

-What is it?

-OK, let's go.

QUIET GARBLED RAPPING I talked... Do...

Never going to do a thing...

Well I'll get fresh, get real,

You know what I'm talking about, bruv!

Got to say it again We gotta get real and do it fresh

You sound like you're going mad And I ain't gonna do a thing

Get right, get fresh, get seen

Get down, get down Get feel, get a f... Get seen...

# Every time I turn around I see bad pain and bad suffering

# So I look to the heavens and I say... #

Oh, no!

# And I just want to live my life and get a wife and do a smile

# And I just want to raise my kids in a world where they never die

# And everyone is acting crazy Like a maniac

# And I don't know why

# I look in the mirror and I see myself as a child

# But I look closer

# And he's holding a samosa

# And I realise it's a window It's not a mirror

# Who is this child?

-Girls!

-What is it?

-Boys!

-Yeah!

Thank you very much, that's me, good night.

Give him a round of applause! Thank you. Live your lives! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Round of applause for this man here.

He came to the early show, he's been here all night!

You've been waiting for that all night, haven't you?

Standing on stage, on telly, looking like a jaundiced hobbit!

-LAUGHTER

-Good man! What a man!

Yes, all that is left to say is thank you to all of tonight's acts.

I've been Chris Ramsey and you've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.

-Good night!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd