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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
Hello, you are about to see some of the strongest and freshest talent
performing at the Edinburgh Festival. We have even more comedy
performances as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.
But it is time to go over to the main stage and make your host for
tonight's show. Please welcome Jarred Christmas bus-stop welcome
to Three @ The Fringe! Yeah. What I love about British audiences is
cannot do it without a tinge of sarcasm! That was like genuine
excitement bus-stop you were like, or woo! And it was as if you all
went, here we go. It is the British thing. The British way. Because
Americans, they hit do or whooping and cheering without anything
except the sense of whooping and cheering. -- they do it. And I
don't know if you know this, but the American's created a high five.
It is such an optimistic gesture, isn't it? You can whet your pants
and somebody will give you a high five. A good flow, but the! Who
needs dry jeans? Not you, but the. But here, it is like, wanker. You
have that heavy sense of criticism. I think it comes from owning most
of the world and losing it all! I reckon the Moroccans were born
whipping and cheering. If they just come out going, woo, yeah! Come on,
come on! Whereas the English, the British, when you were born, you
come out going,... I just want a pint. A great attitude. I am from
New Zealand and when we are born, we don't even cut the umbilical
cord because that is our first taste of the bungee-jump! A bit
gross! I just wonder what demographics we have got in.
Scottish? Should I say Scottish or Scots? Scottish. Scot's is wrong?
There's just a group of people in called Scott. I am Scott and my
made his Scott. So, Scottish people, healthy mix. English, make some
noise. Woo! OK, this is not a rabble-rousing. Don't stop looting!
It was full on, the looting, wasn't it? But none of it happened in
Scotland and Wales. I think that is because you guys discovered Amazons.
You thought, I am not going to leave. I will just do some online
looting. My favourite thing was looting that happened in Clapham
and the one shop that was not touched, Waterstone's, the
bookstore. Oh, that makes me so happy! It just conjures up images
of looters going up, going, what are they doing there? I don't know.
It is just books. What is in books? Knowledge. What is that? I have no
idea. Something about consequences of reactions... Harry Potter, but
have seen the movie. Should we smash this? No. We should smash the
shop up the road and we can hang off a plasma screen. We will look
like Fokine idiots! Welsh? Just one. One solitary Welsh person going,
ooh... I am married to a British girl, by the way. Yes! Passport!
Pretty happy about that. And I say British because she is part English,
part Welsh, so when I visit the Valley... I have to pay!
Lady Hamilton... Hardy. I bring you grave news, Madam. Your beloved,
Admiral Horatio Nelson, is dead. No! Yes! I wouldn't make that up.
How did he die? He was shot, Madam. Through the spine. No! No! Yes.
Again, you are making this quite difficult. No doubt he died an
honourable death? Erm... This is bullshit! Never did a man die with
such dignity. Hardy, you were there at the end. I must ask. What were
his last words? Erm... Please... The Hardy, Hardy, I have been shot!
Please, sir, tried to remain calm. Far the other men, I am the one who
has been shot! Among so many men, I, possibly the most important man on
the sea, have been hit by a stray bullet bus-stop well, to be fair,
you are wearing an enormous hat. Yes was stopped by a bloody love
this hat. It is enormous. What are you trying to say? Remember to take
the videos back to Blockbuster. Are we will get a fine. We should have
got an online subscription! Yes, sir. As I dive, will you listen and
record my final words? Or of course. Come closer. Closer still...
please, stop licking it ear. Will you grunt me my final wish?
Anything for the great Admiral Horatio Nelson. What would you have
me do? Bring me Hardy. I want you to ring me. I am about to die! Win
me! Well? What were his final great words that the empire may echo of
them? Reign at me, Hardy! It is the end of the Edinburgh Arts Festival!
Come on, everyone! Everybody win each other! Get involved! Fuel is
at home, press your Red Button! Let's instigate a nationwide
session! -- view was at home. Come on, Madam. I will be power contours
and you can be the other one. Come on! I will do the theme tune to
ride Of the Valkyries. Ring me, Hardy! I think I am done now! I
will settle for a back rub. Actually, no, I want the whole
shebang! I am so tired... Well, Hardy? It was, kiss me, Hardy.
it wasn't. Definitely kiss me, Hardy. It was indeed a noble death.
Quiet and tender. Hardy? Yes? didn't ask you to...? And no.
Hello. How are you doing? I am going to do a song in a minute. If
my boyfriend is Welsh and it is his first language so I am learning how
to speak hip and his grandma only speaks Welsh, so I have written a
little song in Welsh bus-stop -- learning to speak it. We were
staying in a B&B the other day and I had a shower at a temple stop the
water was freezing. I had to sing The Sound Of Music to get through
it bus-stop I was like, "the hills are alive..." and the man who owned
the place asked me, are you having a nice stay? I said, yes, but I had
a shower and the water was freezing. Chris said, it is unacceptable. He
said, what room are you when? I said room number two. He said, the
thing about room number two is sometimes the water does not know
it is the morning. He said, it is temperamental, it is Welsh. You
cannot harness it. It does like it pleases. It is not like your
English border. I said, do you reckon the water would know if I
left without paying? He said, I will change your room. Here is the
song. He doesn't know I am learning Welsh. The any other language as
Speaker is French and the only thing I can say is "je joue le
ping-pong a La Rochelle", I can play table tennis in La Rochelle. I
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
am hoping my Welsh is a bit better. SINGS IN WELSH. SHE CONTINUES
SINGING IN WELSH. I will just translated in case you don't know
what it means. # I went, you went,
# He, she went, # We went, you went (formal),
# The-ey went. # Charis went to Bangor for lunch.
# She had cheese. # It is hailing, raining, snowing.
# Cold, hot, fog-gy. # I have one sister.
# I like swimming, whoa! # I play table tennis.
# Where, I can't remember. # SINGS IN WELSH.
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
# In La Rochelle. Thank you very FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDIAN MUSIC PLAYS.
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
SONG: DON'T BLAME IT ON THE I would like to talk to you a
little bit about my testicles. I had a testicular cancer check a
while back. They put some gel on your testicles so they can scan
them. The nurse tried to comfort me by saying, it will just below it
rubbing jelly all over your testicles. Where am I going to get
that reference point from in my life? I am always rubbing jelly on
my testicles. If you had said, I would have come prepared. I washed
it off when I came out of the house! If your doctor has ever
wasted your time and you want to get up own back, I had a great way
to do this. I own a SodaStream. Does anyone here own one? If you do
not know what one is, it carbonates still liquids and makes them fizzy.
I have been carbon-dating anything I can. Milk, carbonated. Tea,
carbonated. Blurred, carbonated. I left some physique on the
windowsill to go stale, re- carbonate kid. -- it. I've tried to
get a class full of semen. It was exhausting. I was getting my
flatmates to help but they did not want to. We could do it as a room.
At school I used to play a game called Knock-A-Door-Run. Some
people call it knocked down ginger. This confuses me because knock down
ginger was a more specific game I played in a car. You must remember
the good of days in your car with your dad. There is one! OK. I have
a few things to tell you. I saw an article that in America someone's
pet cat was genuinely called up for jury service. Genuinely, it was an
admin mistake. A pet cat was written to and called up for jury
service. The owner wrote back and said, it is a cat, it cannot speak.
They wrote back to her some kind of automated replies saying, that is
OK, we have translators. They genuinely thought she was trying to
skip jury service. That woman who through the cat in the bin, imagine
when she was in court and looked at the jury?! What are the chances of
that?! This is what used to scare me most about being in school. I
used to be genuinely terrified of what is in his bag. Every single
year at school, five number Macro years in a row, I would always
close my eyes. -- five years in a row. My parents started to take a
picture of my eyes separately so they could stick them on at a later
date like a human Mr Potato Head. We would have to send these to her
so she could see how her grandson was doing. Five years in a road she
got these was that she thought I was mental. -- five years in a row
she got these. I woke up again and she said, what is happening? What
are the chances of this happening? Always blinking. What are the
chances of that happening? If you had a picture taken with your
brother, what is the chance you could both do it at the same time?
Thank you. This has been lovely. She must be a lesbian. She turned
me down. She must be a lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a
lesbian. I am going to have sex with them all if you know what I
mean. The girl is a team. I am going to go on them like a
submarine. Submarines are fan. I hit a rape alarm. It is going off.
I cannot work out why the girl is screaming. I bet she likes kissing
girls. I think maybe if I let her, I cannot work out why the girls do
not fancy me. It's a girl won't get him round, she must be a lesbian. -
- went come round. She must be a lesbian. If a girl went kiss, she
is taking the piss apples but if she does not fancy me, she must bat
for the other team. I am having trouble finding a better girl to
pursue. I am like a fire truck. That girl must be a lesbian. That
girl must be a lesbian. That girl she must... It is your birthday.
You go, girl. What is your name? I like your Dom shoes. He said he
likes your... Shoes. OK. We are two Boys and we're looking for two
girls. They are two girls. I tried to talk but I came in my pants. I
am sad. She went come round, she must be a lesbian. She must be a
lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a lesbian. Is that
right? She must be a thespian. If she does not fancy me, she must
back were the other team. That girl, she must be a lesbian. That girl,