Episode 1 Comedy At The Fringe

Episode 1

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.


Hello, you are about to see some of the strongest and freshest talent


performing at the Edinburgh Festival. We have even more comedy


performances as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.


But it is time to go over to the main stage and make your host for


tonight's show. Please welcome Jarred Christmas bus-stop welcome


to Three @ The Fringe! Yeah. What I love about British audiences is


cannot do it without a tinge of sarcasm! That was like genuine


excitement bus-stop you were like, or woo! And it was as if you all


went, here we go. It is the British thing. The British way. Because


Americans, they hit do or whooping and cheering without anything


except the sense of whooping and cheering. -- they do it. And I


don't know if you know this, but the American's created a high five.


It is such an optimistic gesture, isn't it? You can whet your pants


and somebody will give you a high five. A good flow, but the! Who


needs dry jeans? Not you, but the. But here, it is like, wanker. You


have that heavy sense of criticism. I think it comes from owning most


of the world and losing it all! I reckon the Moroccans were born


whipping and cheering. If they just come out going, woo, yeah! Come on,


come on! Whereas the English, the British, when you were born, you


come out going,... I just want a pint. A great attitude. I am from


New Zealand and when we are born, we don't even cut the umbilical


cord because that is our first taste of the bungee-jump! A bit


gross! I just wonder what demographics we have got in.


Scottish? Should I say Scottish or Scots? Scottish. Scot's is wrong?


There's just a group of people in called Scott. I am Scott and my


made his Scott. So, Scottish people, healthy mix. English, make some


noise. Woo! OK, this is not a rabble-rousing. Don't stop looting!


It was full on, the looting, wasn't it? But none of it happened in


Scotland and Wales. I think that is because you guys discovered Amazons.


You thought, I am not going to leave. I will just do some online


looting. My favourite thing was looting that happened in Clapham


and the one shop that was not touched, Waterstone's, the


bookstore. Oh, that makes me so happy! It just conjures up images


of looters going up, going, what are they doing there? I don't know.


It is just books. What is in books? Knowledge. What is that? I have no


idea. Something about consequences of reactions... Harry Potter, but


have seen the movie. Should we smash this? No. We should smash the


shop up the road and we can hang off a plasma screen. We will look


like Fokine idiots! Welsh? Just one. One solitary Welsh person going,


ooh... I am married to a British girl, by the way. Yes! Passport!


Pretty happy about that. And I say British because she is part English,


part Welsh, so when I visit the Valley... I have to pay!


Lady Hamilton... Hardy. I bring you grave news, Madam. Your beloved,


Admiral Horatio Nelson, is dead. No! Yes! I wouldn't make that up.


How did he die? He was shot, Madam. Through the spine. No! No! Yes.


Again, you are making this quite difficult. No doubt he died an


honourable death? Erm... This is bullshit! Never did a man die with


such dignity. Hardy, you were there at the end. I must ask. What were


his last words? Erm... Please... The Hardy, Hardy, I have been shot!


Please, sir, tried to remain calm. Far the other men, I am the one who


has been shot! Among so many men, I, possibly the most important man on


the sea, have been hit by a stray bullet bus-stop well, to be fair,


you are wearing an enormous hat. Yes was stopped by a bloody love


this hat. It is enormous. What are you trying to say? Remember to take


the videos back to Blockbuster. Are we will get a fine. We should have


got an online subscription! Yes, sir. As I dive, will you listen and


record my final words? Or of course. Come closer. Closer still...


please, stop licking it ear. Will you grunt me my final wish?


Anything for the great Admiral Horatio Nelson. What would you have


me do? Bring me Hardy. I want you to ring me. I am about to die! Win


me! Well? What were his final great words that the empire may echo of


them? Reign at me, Hardy! It is the end of the Edinburgh Arts Festival!


Come on, everyone! Everybody win each other! Get involved! Fuel is


at home, press your Red Button! Let's instigate a nationwide


session! -- view was at home. Come on, Madam. I will be power contours


and you can be the other one. Come on! I will do the theme tune to


ride Of the Valkyries. Ring me, Hardy! I think I am done now! I


will settle for a back rub. Actually, no, I want the whole


shebang! I am so tired... Well, Hardy? It was, kiss me, Hardy.


it wasn't. Definitely kiss me, Hardy. It was indeed a noble death.


Quiet and tender. Hardy? Yes? didn't ask you to...? And no.


Hello. How are you doing? I am going to do a song in a minute. If


my boyfriend is Welsh and it is his first language so I am learning how


to speak hip and his grandma only speaks Welsh, so I have written a


little song in Welsh bus-stop -- learning to speak it. We were


staying in a B&B the other day and I had a shower at a temple stop the


water was freezing. I had to sing The Sound Of Music to get through


it bus-stop I was like, "the hills are alive..." and the man who owned


the place asked me, are you having a nice stay? I said, yes, but I had


a shower and the water was freezing. Chris said, it is unacceptable. He


said, what room are you when? I said room number two. He said, the


thing about room number two is sometimes the water does not know


it is the morning. He said, it is temperamental, it is Welsh. You


cannot harness it. It does like it pleases. It is not like your


English border. I said, do you reckon the water would know if I


left without paying? He said, I will change your room. Here is the


song. He doesn't know I am learning Welsh. The any other language as


Speaker is French and the only thing I can say is "je joue le


ping-pong a La Rochelle", I can play table tennis in La Rochelle. I


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds


am hoping my Welsh is a bit better. SINGS IN WELSH. SHE CONTINUES


SINGING IN WELSH. I will just translated in case you don't know


what it means. # I went, you went,


# He, she went, # We went, you went (formal),


# The-ey went. # Charis went to Bangor for lunch.


# She had cheese. # It is hailing, raining, snowing.


# Cold, hot, fog-gy. # I have one sister.


# I like swimming, whoa! # I play table tennis.


# Where, I can't remember. # SINGS IN WELSH.


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds


# In La Rochelle. Thank you very FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDIAN MUSIC PLAYS.


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds


SONG: DON'T BLAME IT ON THE I would like to talk to you a


little bit about my testicles. I had a testicular cancer check a


while back. They put some gel on your testicles so they can scan


them. The nurse tried to comfort me by saying, it will just below it


rubbing jelly all over your testicles. Where am I going to get


that reference point from in my life? I am always rubbing jelly on


my testicles. If you had said, I would have come prepared. I washed


it off when I came out of the house! If your doctor has ever


wasted your time and you want to get up own back, I had a great way


to do this. I own a SodaStream. Does anyone here own one? If you do


not know what one is, it carbonates still liquids and makes them fizzy.


I have been carbon-dating anything I can. Milk, carbonated. Tea,


carbonated. Blurred, carbonated. I left some physique on the


windowsill to go stale, re- carbonate kid. -- it. I've tried to


get a class full of semen. It was exhausting. I was getting my


flatmates to help but they did not want to. We could do it as a room.


At school I used to play a game called Knock-A-Door-Run. Some


people call it knocked down ginger. This confuses me because knock down


ginger was a more specific game I played in a car. You must remember


the good of days in your car with your dad. There is one! OK. I have


a few things to tell you. I saw an article that in America someone's


pet cat was genuinely called up for jury service. Genuinely, it was an


admin mistake. A pet cat was written to and called up for jury


service. The owner wrote back and said, it is a cat, it cannot speak.


They wrote back to her some kind of automated replies saying, that is


OK, we have translators. They genuinely thought she was trying to


skip jury service. That woman who through the cat in the bin, imagine


when she was in court and looked at the jury?! What are the chances of


that?! This is what used to scare me most about being in school. I


used to be genuinely terrified of what is in his bag. Every single


year at school, five number Macro years in a row, I would always


close my eyes. -- five years in a row. My parents started to take a


picture of my eyes separately so they could stick them on at a later


date like a human Mr Potato Head. We would have to send these to her


so she could see how her grandson was doing. Five years in a road she


got these was that she thought I was mental. -- five years in a row


she got these. I woke up again and she said, what is happening? What


are the chances of this happening? Always blinking. What are the


chances of that happening? If you had a picture taken with your


brother, what is the chance you could both do it at the same time?


Thank you. This has been lovely. She must be a lesbian. She turned


me down. She must be a lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a


lesbian. I am going to have sex with them all if you know what I


mean. The girl is a team. I am going to go on them like a


submarine. Submarines are fan. I hit a rape alarm. It is going off.


I cannot work out why the girl is screaming. I bet she likes kissing


girls. I think maybe if I let her, I cannot work out why the girls do


not fancy me. It's a girl won't get him round, she must be a lesbian. -


- went come round. She must be a lesbian. If a girl went kiss, she


is taking the piss apples but if she does not fancy me, she must bat


for the other team. I am having trouble finding a better girl to


pursue. I am like a fire truck. That girl must be a lesbian. That


girl must be a lesbian. That girl she must... It is your birthday.


You go, girl. What is your name? I like your Dom shoes. He said he


likes your... Shoes. OK. We are two Boys and we're looking for two


girls. They are two girls. I tried to talk but I came in my pants. I


am sad. She went come round, she must be a lesbian. She must be a


lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a lesbian. Is that


right? She must be a thespian. If she does not fancy me, she must


back were the other team. That girl, she must be a lesbian. That girl,


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