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Hello and welcome to the best of Three at the Fringe. I am Scot
Mills and you are about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy
from some of the biggest names and freshest and exciting new talent
performing at this year's Fringe. You can check out the website too
where you can access even more performances direct from the BBC's
Edinburgh venue as well as a host of other interactive comedy. Now to
meet your compere for the show, Charlie Baker.
Is everyone all right? Having a lovely time so far? APPLAUSE AND
CHEERING. Very good. Here is sa lovely licence fee here for you all
to see. Enjoying that? A couple of licence fees here to look at.
Everyone enjoying the Fringe? Yes, you are the hardest man alive. Nice
to see you. It's lovely to be here. I am waiting for Jack Black to die.
He looks like him, doesn't he? I was thinking he looks like someone
and then he said Jack Black, that's who he looks like. I said to you,
didn't I? I said he he looks like Jack Black. I have never made money
out of looking like him, I have been offered a few things, porn
films, School of Cock, that was one. And Kung Fu Hand Job, that's the
one I did. Nice to have my co-star in, good to see you again. With
your mouth empty. Loves cock, ladies and gentlemen.
Really does. Good evening. How are you doing?
That's good. My name is Phil Wang and I am the answer to the question
what would I look like if Gok Wan got fat and less infuturating.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against him, it's just I
am a homophobe. I am the answer to the question what would I look like
if Michael McIntyre had a child with Gok Wan. Do we have any
McIntyre fans? Good, some cheers there, the rest of you are correct.
No, no, he is fun. I like him. I have one issue with McIntyre, and
that is a while back in one of his shows he said that when he smiles
he looks like a fat Chinese man. Now, following that logic, right, I,
you know... APPLAUSE you know, following that logic I
think he is a massive prick. What a weasel. What a silly man. I never
actually wanted to be a comedian, my parents forced me into it. Very
pushy. I always wanted to be a dentist. Or a prostitute. But they
- apparently no money in that. You be comedian, boy - that's my dad,
be a comedian. I should explain he is oriental. Not a stroke victim.
As it may have sounded. Let's clear that up for you. My dad I guess was
a main culprit really for me growing up a little tough. We
butted heads on a lot of things. For example, he has rigid ideas
about how men and women should behave and I am a modern man, in
touch with my feminine side and also I have a bit of a monobrow
problem. It's no big deal. Any hairy women in the audience will
vouch for me, the way to deal with that get tweezers and pluck the
bastards out. Now I was doing that one day in my room, and right,
plucking in my room and my dad, right, he opens the door and he
sees me plucking and he looks at me like I have just kicked the family
cat into my mother's face on my sister's birthday again. And he
looks at me and says what are you doing? That's for girls. Now, you
don't know but that's a really good impression of my dad, that sounds
just like him. I thought he was here, oh, no, it's just me. He said
what are you doing? That is for girls. I explained to him, I said
no, dad, society has changed and with it has the perception of
masculinity and male beauty. Plucking one's eyebrows is simply a
sign of cultivation, hygiene and a masculine care for one's personal
appearance. Right. Then he said well, at least take the dress off.
So, you know, I was like whatever! You are living in the past, dad.
You are living in the past. You old High heels there. A nice pair, here
you go, Madame. You have been lovely, guys. Have a good festival.
I am Phil Wang. Good night. Hello. Are you well? Good! We don't
have long together so I will do what I wanted to do in bullet
points. I love bullet points, they really move things along. Sometimes
I read over my old teenager diary and think this could have been
passier. School. I am here with my baby so I am very tired. It's not
my first baby, I have another one in the car. It's an interesting
thing being pregnant because you learn lots of things, you expand,
not only physically, emotionally. I learned some things about myself
and I learned some new words. I learned some maths that I didn't
know before. Like the maths bit, everyone knows it takes
approximately nine months to cook a human. But when you do it I don't
know why, but you have to talk about it in weeks and that used to
bug me before I had kids. It's annoying when you say how pregnant
are you and they go I am 28 weeks and you think do I look like
Johnnie Ball, you round it up. That's what we invented months for.
To contain and label weeks. That's where we keep weeks. It doesn't
stop when the kid's born, then it's all about months and not years. You
are like how old is flim-tphrapl? They go well he is 19 months, well
he is about one and a half, this isn't a test. I am not that hung up
on age accuracy. I don't go around saying I am 427 months old, round
it up. It has been lovely. I have enjoyed having baby. Babies are
lovely, they're magical and bewildering as well. Like why do
baby clothes have pockets? Where are they going? That creates images
of a ten-week-old baby going wallet, keys, phone. Let's go, mum. So, I
am a bit nervous about when they get older, people say small
children, small problems and then they get older and there's more
parenting to go, I hear. You know, that could be tricky. When they
start asking awkward questions like mummy, what is dogging? You have to
have an answer ready. OK, darling, well, dogging is when three or four
people that love each other very much go to a car park - go and ask
your dad. It will be fine. I will wing it. I prepped for parenting by
watching SuperNanny, I thought that would be preparation. I thought I
am not going to end up one of those middle-class mothers. Megan, you
are really upsetting mummy, don't cut, mummy. No, not the face,
Megan! Classic episode there with Megan. It was like Cape Fear, I do
exaggerate a lot in my show. I confess to that. I think all
comedians exaggerate a little bit. Women are very good at it. We are
good at exaggerating, we are much better than blokes. We are about 14
billion times better than most blokes. Women are very good at
slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things, that's something we
have the edge on. When a woman puts her hand in her bag to find her
purse, but doesn't immediately find her purse, she is like oh my God, I
have lost my purse! Hang on, I found it, sorry. Just overreacted,
sorry. Or if we park the car in a car park and we don't find it
straightaway, we are like, someone's nicked the car! Call the
police now! Oh, it's there, sorry. Someone must have moved it. We make
that noise quite a lot, argh! I make that noise in the car with my
husband and he is driving. He goes what? I said I have forgotten my
lipstick. He said I thought I killed a bloody child! It's such a
good noise, argh! Let's get a pizza. One thing women don't exaggerate
about ever, ever, is a bargain. We are very excited about bargains. If
you compliment a women on something she's wearing she will tell you how
much it cost down to the penny. I like your top, yeah, �10.99, Top
Shop. You don't want to know but you get told. I like your trousers,
yeah, �24.99, I framed the receipt, it's above the fireplace, I only
paid �4 for that. Everybody knows if you have paid next to nothing
for a high street garment it is probably someone might have
suffered somewhere along the line. But no one gives a shit when
they're boosting about a bargain. Oh, I love your balltkpwaupb, yeah,
a child sewed on every sequin. Can't beat a bargain. You have been
# # My love there's only you in my life
# The only thing that's bright #. # My first love
# You're every breath that I take # You're every step I make
#. # And I want to share all my love with you
# No one else will do # And your eyes, they tell me how
much you care # Oh, yes you will always be my
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds
endless love # Hey baby
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds
# Tonight, tonight I'M DANIEL DAY LEWIS, TWO TIME
OSCAR WINNER AND THREE TIMES AS LOUD AS ANYTHING ON THE PLANET.
My career is in at theers. So much so, that I've started using young
boys as armchairs! I have not won a major award in
over four minutes. Apparently I lack rage, which is ridiculous. As
everyone knows the only way to test an actor's range is to pick him up
and throw him. So that's what we're going to do today. You, you and you,
join me on stage. Come on! APPLAUSE
Come on up here. Line up in a line for me, you fine fellows. Line up
in a line and I want you to throw me as far as you can into the
audience. OK? If you manage to hit these first couple of tables it
probably means I could play a back ward king with a stutter. If I hit
the red seats it means I could play a very loud Gandhi. If you manage
to puncture the tent and send me out into the street, well you
belong in a cage! So, let's have some Daniel Day Fun - shall we?
Pick me up and throw me into the audience. Take a leg each, gents.
This is not the ending of Brave Heart. On the count of three - lift
up and, one, two, and three. APPLAUSE
Oh, my God, you actually threw me! I'm worth like half a trillion
dollars. I'm the most famous actor to appear in nobody's favourite
film. Sit down, you plucky, sons of guns, all but you!
The ringleader, if I'm not mistaken! You're going to learn a
valuable lesson up here with me today, sony Jim. You are going to
learn about acting a smoke machine, or smac ting. It is where I tie a
smoke machine to a skateboard and shout until I pass out. I invented
it on the set of the Last of the Mohicans. I used it as an excuse as
to why I crashed my car. In future all actors will wear one of these
and die of consumption at 30. Have you ever smacked it before? Give it
a stroke. How's that? Beautiful! That's for fans of underwhelming
comedy prop moments was a lesson learnt. So, stand there my friend,
stand like an actor might. Now that's good. That's very good.
I'm not sure of the hand gesture! We'll go with that. That's good.
Fix a point, up in the stars there. Have you got a point? In your best
Daniel Day-Lewis impression say my most famous line of "Stay where you
are. I will find you." Wait! Stay where you are. I will find you.
That's a good start. That's a good start. If I may be a little bit
picky, it lacked a little bit of focus and motivation for me. An
audience needs to understand where a character is coming from, in
order to join it on its journey. For example, as the greatest screen
actor of anyone's generation I need freedom to travel anywhere I wish
with my performance. It is why on most film sets I am known as the
Oyster card. Why? Because before each and every take I do this....
You are not at that level yet. You need a co-star. I want you to look
out into this sea of beautiful people here. In your opinion, pick
me out the most beautiful, attractive female in your opinion.
How old are you to be using that kind of language? Where else do you
get to pick a woman. Pick one. Who do you like. She's not looking at
you at all! They are always the people I picked. When I grabbed you,
you were looking at the floor. Who would you like? Who's the most
attractive woman in here. Bom-boom - that's both his testicles
dropping. That fine young lady there. The what's wrong with the
one here in red? Just kidding. I know exactly what's wrong with her!
Come up here for me, my darling. You have it really eds here today.
Come up here. That's very easy. A good choice. A good choice. Come on
up. You have it easy. You have to stand there, to the side and look
raidant for me. -- ray diant for me. Do you have a girlfriend? No.
you have a boyfriend? Is he here tonight. Come on! This is it. Aim
your performance right at her. Give her the pose.
That's it! Now give her the look right down the barrel of her eyes N
the best me impression, do the line. "Stay where you are. I will find
you." Stay where you are. I will find you. How is that heart
beating? Tell me. I can tell you my thumb is very rogue at the moment!
This has nothing to do with what we're doing up here either! I'm
just been a Daniel Day-Pervert. You have graduated. So the final part
of your education here today - the smoke machine. You are about to
embark on an epic journey and experience the epic exsilration
that only two people have found in the world, that is me, Daniel Day-
Lewis. Take the remote on coal. On my mark, look her in the eye, give
her the pose, give her the line and pump that smoke machine and stride
on over to her and kiss her in a way in which she would never wish
to be kissed. OK? That's the bit I'm going to be watching very
closely! Stay where you are. I will find you. You got it? He can do it,
right? Come on Daniel, this is how we do it. So are you ready? Three,
two, one. Smacked. Stay where you are. I will find you. Pump it. Now
the kiss. Go on. Keep pumping. Go for the kiss.
Go for the kiss. APPLAUSE
What the hell was that meant to be? I spent �45 on that! This is how
you do it. Stand here. Stand here. You have a close look.
This is how you do it, my friend. You ned to get close. Closer. Good.
Give her the look. Give her the pose and hit her with the pose
"Stay where you are. I will find her." Stride over and....
Laughter. Oh, yeah. You can sit down now.
We're done with you. Oh, yes, my friend! I gave you the
Daniel Day-tongue there a little bit. Good for you! You've become
Daniel Day-Lewis. So, you and you, let's pick him up and see how far
we can throw him. Give him a round of applause. Stay where you are. I
will find you! We are frisky and Mannish. We are
pop educators and looking at the hidden alternatives in pop songs
for you. Clarifying them. Actually, we thought you were the sort of
audience that might find that silly. We thought we would take it back a
notch and maybe sing something the way it was meant to be sung.
Close your eyes # Give me your hand, darling
# Do you feel my heart beating # Do you understand
# Do you feel the same # Am I only dreaming
# Is this burning an eternal flame # I believe we're meant to be,
darling # I watch you when you are sleeping
# You belong to me # Do you feel the same?
# Am I only dreaming? # Or is this burning an eternal
flame? # Say my name!
# Sunshine to the rain # My whole life
# So lonely # It couldn't ease the pain
# I don't want to lose this feeling # You're just too good to be true
# Can't take my eyes off of you # You've been like heaven to touch
# I love you so much # At long last love has arrived
# Oh, my God, I'm alive # You're just too good to be true
So sorry! # I've never had a dream come true
# Till the day that I found you # Even though I pretend that I've
moved on # You'll always be my baby
# Never found the words to say # You're the one I think about each
# And I know no matter where love takes me to
# A part of me will always be # With you
# I just called to say HEAVY BREATHING
# # I JUST CALLED TO SAY HOW MUCH I....
# I JUST CALLED TO SAY # And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
# You must love me # You must love me #
APPLAUSE We are back next week with more