Episode 2 Comedy At The Fringe

Hello and welcome to the best of Three at the Fringe. I am Scot

Mills and you are about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy

from some of the biggest names and freshest and exciting new talent

performing at this year's Fringe. You can check out the website too

where you can access even more performances direct from the BBC's

Edinburgh venue as well as a host of other interactive comedy. Now to

meet your compere for the show, Charlie Baker.

Is everyone all right? Having a lovely time so far? APPLAUSE AND

CHEERING. Very good. Here is sa lovely licence fee here for you all

to see. Enjoying that? A couple of licence fees here to look at.

Everyone enjoying the Fringe? Yes, you are the hardest man alive. Nice

to see you. It's lovely to be here. I am waiting for Jack Black to die.

He looks like him, doesn't he? I was thinking he looks like someone

and then he said Jack Black, that's who he looks like. I said to you,

didn't I? I said he he looks like Jack Black. I have never made money

out of looking like him, I have been offered a few things, porn

films, School of Cock, that was one. And Kung Fu Hand Job, that's the

one I did. Nice to have my co-star in, good to see you again. With

your mouth empty. Loves cock, ladies and gentlemen.

Really does. Good evening. How are you doing?

That's good. My name is Phil Wang and I am the answer to the question

what would I look like if Gok Wan got fat and less infuturating.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against him, it's just I

am a homophobe. I am the answer to the question what would I look like

if Michael McIntyre had a child with Gok Wan. Do we have any

McIntyre fans? Good, some cheers there, the rest of you are correct.

No, no, he is fun. I like him. I have one issue with McIntyre, and

that is a while back in one of his shows he said that when he smiles

he looks like a fat Chinese man. Now, following that logic, right, I,

you know... APPLAUSE you know, following that logic I

think he is a massive prick. What a weasel. What a silly man. I never

actually wanted to be a comedian, my parents forced me into it. Very

pushy. I always wanted to be a dentist. Or a prostitute. But they

- apparently no money in that. You be comedian, boy - that's my dad,

be a comedian. I should explain he is oriental. Not a stroke victim.

As it may have sounded. Let's clear that up for you. My dad I guess was

a main culprit really for me growing up a little tough. We

butted heads on a lot of things. For example, he has rigid ideas

about how men and women should behave and I am a modern man, in

touch with my feminine side and also I have a bit of a monobrow

problem. It's no big deal. Any hairy women in the audience will

vouch for me, the way to deal with that get tweezers and pluck the

bastards out. Now I was doing that one day in my room, and right,

plucking in my room and my dad, right, he opens the door and he

sees me plucking and he looks at me like I have just kicked the family

cat into my mother's face on my sister's birthday again. And he

looks at me and says what are you doing? That's for girls. Now, you

don't know but that's a really good impression of my dad, that sounds

just like him. I thought he was here, oh, no, it's just me. He said

what are you doing? That is for girls. I explained to him, I said

no, dad, society has changed and with it has the perception of

masculinity and male beauty. Plucking one's eyebrows is simply a

sign of cultivation, hygiene and a masculine care for one's personal

appearance. Right. Then he said well, at least take the dress off.

So, you know, I was like whatever! You are living in the past, dad.

You are living in the past. You old High heels there. A nice pair, here

you go, Madame. You have been lovely, guys. Have a good festival.

I am Phil Wang. Good night. Hello. Are you well? Good! We don't

have long together so I will do what I wanted to do in bullet

points. I love bullet points, they really move things along. Sometimes

I read over my old teenager diary and think this could have been

passier. School. I am here with my baby so I am very tired. It's not

my first baby, I have another one in the car. It's an interesting

thing being pregnant because you learn lots of things, you expand,

not only physically, emotionally. I learned some things about myself

and I learned some new words. I learned some maths that I didn't

know before. Like the maths bit, everyone knows it takes

approximately nine months to cook a human. But when you do it I don't

know why, but you have to talk about it in weeks and that used to

bug me before I had kids. It's annoying when you say how pregnant

are you and they go I am 28 weeks and you think do I look like

Johnnie Ball, you round it up. That's what we invented months for.

To contain and label weeks. That's where we keep weeks. It doesn't

stop when the kid's born, then it's all about months and not years. You

are like how old is flim-tphrapl? They go well he is 19 months, well

he is about one and a half, this isn't a test. I am not that hung up

on age accuracy. I don't go around saying I am 427 months old, round

it up. It has been lovely. I have enjoyed having baby. Babies are

lovely, they're magical and bewildering as well. Like why do

baby clothes have pockets? Where are they going? That creates images

of a ten-week-old baby going wallet, keys, phone. Let's go, mum. So, I

am a bit nervous about when they get older, people say small

children, small problems and then they get older and there's more

parenting to go, I hear. You know, that could be tricky. When they

start asking awkward questions like mummy, what is dogging? You have to

have an answer ready. OK, darling, well, dogging is when three or four

people that love each other very much go to a car park - go and ask

your dad. It will be fine. I will wing it. I prepped for parenting by

watching SuperNanny, I thought that would be preparation. I thought I

am not going to end up one of those middle-class mothers. Megan, you

are really upsetting mummy, don't cut, mummy. No, not the face,

Megan! Classic episode there with Megan. It was like Cape Fear, I do

exaggerate a lot in my show. I confess to that. I think all

comedians exaggerate a little bit. Women are very good at it. We are

good at exaggerating, we are much better than blokes. We are about 14

billion times better than most blokes. Women are very good at

slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things, that's something we

have the edge on. When a woman puts her hand in her bag to find her

purse, but doesn't immediately find her purse, she is like oh my God, I

have lost my purse! Hang on, I found it, sorry. Just overreacted,

sorry. Or if we park the car in a car park and we don't find it

straightaway, we are like, someone's nicked the car! Call the

police now! Oh, it's there, sorry. Someone must have moved it. We make

that noise quite a lot, argh! I make that noise in the car with my

husband and he is driving. He goes what? I said I have forgotten my

lipstick. He said I thought I killed a bloody child! It's such a

good noise, argh! Let's get a pizza. One thing women don't exaggerate

about ever, ever, is a bargain. We are very excited about bargains. If

you compliment a women on something she's wearing she will tell you how

much it cost down to the penny. I like your top, yeah, �10.99, Top

Shop. You don't want to know but you get told. I like your trousers,

yeah, �24.99, I framed the receipt, it's above the fireplace, I only

paid �4 for that. Everybody knows if you have paid next to nothing

for a high street garment it is probably someone might have

suffered somewhere along the line. But no one gives a shit when

they're boosting about a bargain. Oh, I love your balltkpwaupb, yeah,

a child sewed on every sequin. Can't beat a bargain. You have been

# # My love there's only you in my life

# The only thing that's bright #. # My first love

# You're every breath that I take # You're every step I make

#. # And I want to share all my love with you

# No one else will do # And your eyes, they tell me how

much you care # Oh, yes you will always be my

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds

endless love # Hey baby

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds

# Tonight, tonight I'M DANIEL DAY LEWIS, TWO TIME

OSCAR WINNER AND THREE TIMES AS LOUD AS ANYTHING ON THE PLANET.

My career is in at theers. So much so, that I've started using young

boys as armchairs! I have not won a major award in

over four minutes. Apparently I lack rage, which is ridiculous. As

everyone knows the only way to test an actor's range is to pick him up

and throw him. So that's what we're going to do today. You, you and you,

join me on stage. Come on! APPLAUSE

Come on up here. Line up in a line for me, you fine fellows. Line up

in a line and I want you to throw me as far as you can into the

audience. OK? If you manage to hit these first couple of tables it

probably means I could play a back ward king with a stutter. If I hit

the red seats it means I could play a very loud Gandhi. If you manage

to puncture the tent and send me out into the street, well you

belong in a cage! So, let's have some Daniel Day Fun - shall we?

Pick me up and throw me into the audience. Take a leg each, gents.

This is not the ending of Brave Heart. On the count of three - lift

up and, one, two, and three. APPLAUSE

Oh, my God, you actually threw me! I'm worth like half a trillion

dollars. I'm the most famous actor to appear in nobody's favourite

film. Sit down, you plucky, sons of guns, all but you!

The ringleader, if I'm not mistaken! You're going to learn a

valuable lesson up here with me today, sony Jim. You are going to

learn about acting a smoke machine, or smac ting. It is where I tie a

smoke machine to a skateboard and shout until I pass out. I invented

it on the set of the Last of the Mohicans. I used it as an excuse as

to why I crashed my car. In future all actors will wear one of these

and die of consumption at 30. Have you ever smacked it before? Give it

a stroke. How's that? Beautiful! That's for fans of underwhelming

comedy prop moments was a lesson learnt. So, stand there my friend,

stand like an actor might. Now that's good. That's very good.

I'm not sure of the hand gesture! We'll go with that. That's good.

Fix a point, up in the stars there. Have you got a point? In your best

Daniel Day-Lewis impression say my most famous line of "Stay where you

are. I will find you." Wait! Stay where you are. I will find you.

That's a good start. That's a good start. If I may be a little bit

picky, it lacked a little bit of focus and motivation for me. An

audience needs to understand where a character is coming from, in

order to join it on its journey. For example, as the greatest screen

actor of anyone's generation I need freedom to travel anywhere I wish

with my performance. It is why on most film sets I am known as the

Oyster card. Why? Because before each and every take I do this....

You are not at that level yet. You need a co-star. I want you to look

out into this sea of beautiful people here. In your opinion, pick

me out the most beautiful, attractive female in your opinion.

How old are you to be using that kind of language? Where else do you

get to pick a woman. Pick one. Who do you like. She's not looking at

you at all! They are always the people I picked. When I grabbed you,

you were looking at the floor. Who would you like? Who's the most

attractive woman in here. Bom-boom - that's both his testicles

dropping. That fine young lady there. The what's wrong with the

one here in red? Just kidding. I know exactly what's wrong with her!

Come up here for me, my darling. You have it really eds here today.

Come up here. That's very easy. A good choice. A good choice. Come on

up. You have it easy. You have to stand there, to the side and look

raidant for me. -- ray diant for me. Do you have a girlfriend? No.

you have a boyfriend? Is he here tonight. Come on! This is it. Aim

your performance right at her. Give her the pose.

That's it! Now give her the look right down the barrel of her eyes N

the best me impression, do the line. "Stay where you are. I will find

you." Stay where you are. I will find you. How is that heart

beating? Tell me. I can tell you my thumb is very rogue at the moment!

This has nothing to do with what we're doing up here either! I'm

just been a Daniel Day-Pervert. You have graduated. So the final part

of your education here today - the smoke machine. You are about to

embark on an epic journey and experience the epic exsilration

that only two people have found in the world, that is me, Daniel Day-

Lewis. Take the remote on coal. On my mark, look her in the eye, give

her the pose, give her the line and pump that smoke machine and stride

on over to her and kiss her in a way in which she would never wish

to be kissed. OK? That's the bit I'm going to be watching very

closely! Stay where you are. I will find you. You got it? He can do it,

right? Come on Daniel, this is how we do it. So are you ready? Three,

two, one. Smacked. Stay where you are. I will find you. Pump it. Now

the kiss. Go on. Keep pumping. Go for the kiss.

Go for the kiss. APPLAUSE

What the hell was that meant to be? I spent �45 on that! This is how

you do it. Stand here. Stand here. You have a close look.

This is how you do it, my friend. You ned to get close. Closer. Good.

Give her the look. Give her the pose and hit her with the pose

"Stay where you are. I will find her." Stride over and....

Laughter. Oh, yeah. You can sit down now.

We're done with you. Oh, yes, my friend! I gave you the

Daniel Day-tongue there a little bit. Good for you! You've become

Daniel Day-Lewis. So, you and you, let's pick him up and see how far

we can throw him. Give him a round of applause. Stay where you are. I

will find you! We are frisky and Mannish. We are

pop educators and looking at the hidden alternatives in pop songs

for you. Clarifying them. Actually, we thought you were the sort of

audience that might find that silly. We thought we would take it back a

notch and maybe sing something the way it was meant to be sung.

Close your eyes # Give me your hand, darling

# Do you feel my heart beating # Do you understand

# Do you feel the same # Am I only dreaming

# Is this burning an eternal flame # I believe we're meant to be,

darling # I watch you when you are sleeping

# You belong to me # Do you feel the same?

# Am I only dreaming? # Or is this burning an eternal

flame? # Say my name!

# Sunshine to the rain # My whole life

# So lonely # It couldn't ease the pain

# I don't want to lose this feeling # You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you # You've been like heaven to touch

# I love you so much # At long last love has arrived

# Oh, my God, I'm alive # You're just too good to be true

So sorry! # I've never had a dream come true

# Till the day that I found you # Even though I pretend that I've

moved on # You'll always be my baby

# Never found the words to say # You're the one I think about each

# And I know no matter where love takes me to

# A part of me will always be # With you

# I just called to say HEAVY BREATHING

# # I JUST CALLED TO SAY HOW MUCH I....

# I JUST CALLED TO SAY # And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

# You must love me # You must love me #

APPLAUSE We are back next week with more