Episode 2 Comedy At The Fringe

Episode 2

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Hello and welcome to the best of Three at the Fringe. I am Scot


Mills and you are about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy


from some of the biggest names and freshest and exciting new talent


performing at this year's Fringe. You can check out the website too


where you can access even more performances direct from the BBC's


Edinburgh venue as well as a host of other interactive comedy. Now to


meet your compere for the show, Charlie Baker.


Is everyone all right? Having a lovely time so far? APPLAUSE AND


CHEERING. Very good. Here is sa lovely licence fee here for you all


to see. Enjoying that? A couple of licence fees here to look at.


Everyone enjoying the Fringe? Yes, you are the hardest man alive. Nice


to see you. It's lovely to be here. I am waiting for Jack Black to die.


He looks like him, doesn't he? I was thinking he looks like someone


and then he said Jack Black, that's who he looks like. I said to you,


didn't I? I said he he looks like Jack Black. I have never made money


out of looking like him, I have been offered a few things, porn


films, School of Cock, that was one. And Kung Fu Hand Job, that's the


one I did. Nice to have my co-star in, good to see you again. With


your mouth empty. Loves cock, ladies and gentlemen.


Really does. Good evening. How are you doing?


That's good. My name is Phil Wang and I am the answer to the question


what would I look like if Gok Wan got fat and less infuturating.


Don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against him, it's just I


am a homophobe. I am the answer to the question what would I look like


if Michael McIntyre had a child with Gok Wan. Do we have any


McIntyre fans? Good, some cheers there, the rest of you are correct.


No, no, he is fun. I like him. I have one issue with McIntyre, and


that is a while back in one of his shows he said that when he smiles


he looks like a fat Chinese man. Now, following that logic, right, I,


you know... APPLAUSE you know, following that logic I


think he is a massive prick. What a weasel. What a silly man. I never


actually wanted to be a comedian, my parents forced me into it. Very


pushy. I always wanted to be a dentist. Or a prostitute. But they


- apparently no money in that. You be comedian, boy - that's my dad,


be a comedian. I should explain he is oriental. Not a stroke victim.


As it may have sounded. Let's clear that up for you. My dad I guess was


a main culprit really for me growing up a little tough. We


butted heads on a lot of things. For example, he has rigid ideas


about how men and women should behave and I am a modern man, in


touch with my feminine side and also I have a bit of a monobrow


problem. It's no big deal. Any hairy women in the audience will


vouch for me, the way to deal with that get tweezers and pluck the


bastards out. Now I was doing that one day in my room, and right,


plucking in my room and my dad, right, he opens the door and he


sees me plucking and he looks at me like I have just kicked the family


cat into my mother's face on my sister's birthday again. And he


looks at me and says what are you doing? That's for girls. Now, you


don't know but that's a really good impression of my dad, that sounds


just like him. I thought he was here, oh, no, it's just me. He said


what are you doing? That is for girls. I explained to him, I said


no, dad, society has changed and with it has the perception of


masculinity and male beauty. Plucking one's eyebrows is simply a


sign of cultivation, hygiene and a masculine care for one's personal


appearance. Right. Then he said well, at least take the dress off.


So, you know, I was like whatever! You are living in the past, dad.


You are living in the past. You old High heels there. A nice pair, here


you go, Madame. You have been lovely, guys. Have a good festival.


I am Phil Wang. Good night. Hello. Are you well? Good! We don't


have long together so I will do what I wanted to do in bullet


points. I love bullet points, they really move things along. Sometimes


I read over my old teenager diary and think this could have been


passier. School. I am here with my baby so I am very tired. It's not


my first baby, I have another one in the car. It's an interesting


thing being pregnant because you learn lots of things, you expand,


not only physically, emotionally. I learned some things about myself


and I learned some new words. I learned some maths that I didn't


know before. Like the maths bit, everyone knows it takes


approximately nine months to cook a human. But when you do it I don't


know why, but you have to talk about it in weeks and that used to


bug me before I had kids. It's annoying when you say how pregnant


are you and they go I am 28 weeks and you think do I look like


Johnnie Ball, you round it up. That's what we invented months for.


To contain and label weeks. That's where we keep weeks. It doesn't


stop when the kid's born, then it's all about months and not years. You


are like how old is flim-tphrapl? They go well he is 19 months, well


he is about one and a half, this isn't a test. I am not that hung up


on age accuracy. I don't go around saying I am 427 months old, round


it up. It has been lovely. I have enjoyed having baby. Babies are


lovely, they're magical and bewildering as well. Like why do


baby clothes have pockets? Where are they going? That creates images


of a ten-week-old baby going wallet, keys, phone. Let's go, mum. So, I


am a bit nervous about when they get older, people say small


children, small problems and then they get older and there's more


parenting to go, I hear. You know, that could be tricky. When they


start asking awkward questions like mummy, what is dogging? You have to


have an answer ready. OK, darling, well, dogging is when three or four


people that love each other very much go to a car park - go and ask


your dad. It will be fine. I will wing it. I prepped for parenting by


watching SuperNanny, I thought that would be preparation. I thought I


am not going to end up one of those middle-class mothers. Megan, you


are really upsetting mummy, don't cut, mummy. No, not the face,


Megan! Classic episode there with Megan. It was like Cape Fear, I do


exaggerate a lot in my show. I confess to that. I think all


comedians exaggerate a little bit. Women are very good at it. We are


good at exaggerating, we are much better than blokes. We are about 14


billion times better than most blokes. Women are very good at


slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things, that's something we


have the edge on. When a woman puts her hand in her bag to find her


purse, but doesn't immediately find her purse, she is like oh my God, I


have lost my purse! Hang on, I found it, sorry. Just overreacted,


sorry. Or if we park the car in a car park and we don't find it


straightaway, we are like, someone's nicked the car! Call the


police now! Oh, it's there, sorry. Someone must have moved it. We make


that noise quite a lot, argh! I make that noise in the car with my


husband and he is driving. He goes what? I said I have forgotten my


lipstick. He said I thought I killed a bloody child! It's such a


good noise, argh! Let's get a pizza. One thing women don't exaggerate


about ever, ever, is a bargain. We are very excited about bargains. If


you compliment a women on something she's wearing she will tell you how


much it cost down to the penny. I like your top, yeah, �10.99, Top


Shop. You don't want to know but you get told. I like your trousers,


yeah, �24.99, I framed the receipt, it's above the fireplace, I only


paid �4 for that. Everybody knows if you have paid next to nothing


for a high street garment it is probably someone might have


suffered somewhere along the line. But no one gives a shit when


they're boosting about a bargain. Oh, I love your balltkpwaupb, yeah,


a child sewed on every sequin. Can't beat a bargain. You have been


# # My love there's only you in my life


# The only thing that's bright #. # My first love


# You're every breath that I take # You're every step I make


#. # And I want to share all my love with you


# No one else will do # And your eyes, they tell me how


much you care # Oh, yes you will always be my


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds


endless love # Hey baby


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds


# Tonight, tonight I'M DANIEL DAY LEWIS, TWO TIME




My career is in at theers. So much so, that I've started using young


boys as armchairs! I have not won a major award in


over four minutes. Apparently I lack rage, which is ridiculous. As


everyone knows the only way to test an actor's range is to pick him up


and throw him. So that's what we're going to do today. You, you and you,


join me on stage. Come on! APPLAUSE


Come on up here. Line up in a line for me, you fine fellows. Line up


in a line and I want you to throw me as far as you can into the


audience. OK? If you manage to hit these first couple of tables it


probably means I could play a back ward king with a stutter. If I hit


the red seats it means I could play a very loud Gandhi. If you manage


to puncture the tent and send me out into the street, well you


belong in a cage! So, let's have some Daniel Day Fun - shall we?


Pick me up and throw me into the audience. Take a leg each, gents.


This is not the ending of Brave Heart. On the count of three - lift


up and, one, two, and three. APPLAUSE


Oh, my God, you actually threw me! I'm worth like half a trillion


dollars. I'm the most famous actor to appear in nobody's favourite


film. Sit down, you plucky, sons of guns, all but you!


The ringleader, if I'm not mistaken! You're going to learn a


valuable lesson up here with me today, sony Jim. You are going to


learn about acting a smoke machine, or smac ting. It is where I tie a


smoke machine to a skateboard and shout until I pass out. I invented


it on the set of the Last of the Mohicans. I used it as an excuse as


to why I crashed my car. In future all actors will wear one of these


and die of consumption at 30. Have you ever smacked it before? Give it


a stroke. How's that? Beautiful! That's for fans of underwhelming


comedy prop moments was a lesson learnt. So, stand there my friend,


stand like an actor might. Now that's good. That's very good.


I'm not sure of the hand gesture! We'll go with that. That's good.


Fix a point, up in the stars there. Have you got a point? In your best


Daniel Day-Lewis impression say my most famous line of "Stay where you


are. I will find you." Wait! Stay where you are. I will find you.


That's a good start. That's a good start. If I may be a little bit


picky, it lacked a little bit of focus and motivation for me. An


audience needs to understand where a character is coming from, in


order to join it on its journey. For example, as the greatest screen


actor of anyone's generation I need freedom to travel anywhere I wish


with my performance. It is why on most film sets I am known as the


Oyster card. Why? Because before each and every take I do this....


You are not at that level yet. You need a co-star. I want you to look


out into this sea of beautiful people here. In your opinion, pick


me out the most beautiful, attractive female in your opinion.


How old are you to be using that kind of language? Where else do you


get to pick a woman. Pick one. Who do you like. She's not looking at


you at all! They are always the people I picked. When I grabbed you,


you were looking at the floor. Who would you like? Who's the most


attractive woman in here. Bom-boom - that's both his testicles


dropping. That fine young lady there. The what's wrong with the


one here in red? Just kidding. I know exactly what's wrong with her!


Come up here for me, my darling. You have it really eds here today.


Come up here. That's very easy. A good choice. A good choice. Come on


up. You have it easy. You have to stand there, to the side and look


raidant for me. -- ray diant for me. Do you have a girlfriend? No.


you have a boyfriend? Is he here tonight. Come on! This is it. Aim


your performance right at her. Give her the pose.


That's it! Now give her the look right down the barrel of her eyes N


the best me impression, do the line. "Stay where you are. I will find


you." Stay where you are. I will find you. How is that heart


beating? Tell me. I can tell you my thumb is very rogue at the moment!


This has nothing to do with what we're doing up here either! I'm


just been a Daniel Day-Pervert. You have graduated. So the final part


of your education here today - the smoke machine. You are about to


embark on an epic journey and experience the epic exsilration


that only two people have found in the world, that is me, Daniel Day-


Lewis. Take the remote on coal. On my mark, look her in the eye, give


her the pose, give her the line and pump that smoke machine and stride


on over to her and kiss her in a way in which she would never wish


to be kissed. OK? That's the bit I'm going to be watching very


closely! Stay where you are. I will find you. You got it? He can do it,


right? Come on Daniel, this is how we do it. So are you ready? Three,


two, one. Smacked. Stay where you are. I will find you. Pump it. Now


the kiss. Go on. Keep pumping. Go for the kiss.


Go for the kiss. APPLAUSE


What the hell was that meant to be? I spent �45 on that! This is how


you do it. Stand here. Stand here. You have a close look.


This is how you do it, my friend. You ned to get close. Closer. Good.


Give her the look. Give her the pose and hit her with the pose


"Stay where you are. I will find her." Stride over and....


Laughter. Oh, yeah. You can sit down now.


We're done with you. Oh, yes, my friend! I gave you the


Daniel Day-tongue there a little bit. Good for you! You've become


Daniel Day-Lewis. So, you and you, let's pick him up and see how far


we can throw him. Give him a round of applause. Stay where you are. I


will find you! We are frisky and Mannish. We are


pop educators and looking at the hidden alternatives in pop songs


for you. Clarifying them. Actually, we thought you were the sort of


audience that might find that silly. We thought we would take it back a


notch and maybe sing something the way it was meant to be sung.


Close your eyes # Give me your hand, darling


# Do you feel my heart beating # Do you understand


# Do you feel the same # Am I only dreaming


# Is this burning an eternal flame # I believe we're meant to be,


darling # I watch you when you are sleeping


# You belong to me # Do you feel the same?


# Am I only dreaming? # Or is this burning an eternal


flame? # Say my name!


# Sunshine to the rain # My whole life


# So lonely # It couldn't ease the pain


# I don't want to lose this feeling # You're just too good to be true


# Can't take my eyes off of you # You've been like heaven to touch


# I love you so much # At long last love has arrived


# Oh, my God, I'm alive # You're just too good to be true


So sorry! # I've never had a dream come true


# Till the day that I found you # Even though I pretend that I've


moved on # You'll always be my baby


# Never found the words to say # You're the one I think about each


# And I know no matter where love takes me to


# A part of me will always be # With you


# I just called to say HEAVY BREATHING




# I JUST CALLED TO SAY # And I mean it from the bottom of my heart


# You must love me # You must love me #


APPLAUSE We are back next week with more


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