Episode 3 Comedy At The Fringe

This programme contains some strong language

Hello, and welcome to the best of Three @ The Fringe. I'm Scott Mills,

and you're about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy,

from some of the biggest names AND the freshest, most exciting new talent

performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Remember to check out the BBC Three website, as well,

where you can access even more comedy performances

direct from the BBC's Edinburgh venue, right here,

as well as a host of exclusive interactive comedy.

But now, time to go over to the BBC Three main stage

and meet your compere for tonight's show. It's Mr Charlie Baker.

I'm Charlie Baker. It's lovely to be here.

I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.

"He looks like him, doesn't he? He looks like him!

"I thought he looked like someone and he said Jack Black. I thought, 'That's who he looks like.' "

I'm from Newton Abbot in Devon,

and what we're going to do is recreate the Newton Abbot cattle market. Is everybody up for that?

CHEERING Yes, some of you. That's good.

Dave, I've got a job for you. I'm going to say, "The first got is a bullock."

Dave, you're going to go, "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"

-That's your job, Dave. You got that? "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"

-You bastard!

No, wait, Dave, wait! For goodness' sake.

Maybe get up and be a bit angrier with it. Really angry about it.

Off you go. The first lot is a bullock.

You bastard! You said it was all cows.

Very good. Round of applause for Dave. Very good.

Very good.

And then, the whole of Dave's row, the row behind him

AND the row behind him with Brian in,

you're going to say, under your breath, a bit more placid with it,

"Yeah, you bastard. You said it was all cows."

But under your breath, all right? Dave, off you go.

"You bastard! You said it was all cows." Then everyone else. So the first lot is a bullock.

You bastard. You said it was all cows!

-OTHERS:

-You bastard. You said it was all cows.

Oh!

It was a bit Wicker Man, wasn't it? It was good, though.

That was very, very good.

And then, man over there in the white T-shirt and glasses. You, sir.

-What's your name?

-Mark.

-Stand up, Mark. You're going to go,

"It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock." That's your line.

-Off you go.

-It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock.

Very good, Mark.

Man in yellow T-shirt with glasses on. Hello, sir. You, stand up.

What's... Oh, there's three of you! Bloody marvellous! One in the...

You've stayed up. It's not musical chairs. One of you sit down.

Right. No, you've all sat down. You, you, yes. No, you've GOT a line.

You sit down. Mate, yellow T-shirt, middle one. Yeah, stand up.

You'll go, "Yeah, I'm in, an' all," which means, "I'm in, as well."

-Off you go.

-Yeah, I'm in, an' all.

-Very good.

That means we've got an auction on, so everybody cheers.

CHEERING Very good, then it'll go back and forth. Doof-doof-doof. Right.

You look like you can cope, so it's going to get to about 12

and you're going to go, "Oh, that's too rich for me."

That's your line, "Oh, that's too rich for me." Have a go.

-Oh, that's too rich for me!

-Oh, he's very good, isn't he? He's very good.

And then, man right at the back, hello, sir.

Looking stern, like you hate me. You, yes, you. Hello!

Stand up. You're going to go, "Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying..."

Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying the bloody bull.

Very, very good. Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No, no, no.

Then everybody boos him. Boo, boo!

BOOING

That's it. And then...

that's it.

It's going to be brilliant, innit? "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"

"You said it was all cows." "It's all right. I like a bit of bullock."

"I'm in, an' all." Auction - hooray! Back and forth, gets to about 12.

"Oh, that's too rich for me."

"Put your wallets away, peasants, I'm buying the bloody bullock." Boo!

Right, now, if anyone's feeling left out, right,

this side of the room, what we'll have from you, for ambience,

we'll have some chicken noises from you.

Off we go. Chicken noises from this side. One, two, three, go.

-AUDIENCE:

-Bwark, bwark!

Very good. You didn't do it. You can be the cock. Er...

This side of the room, we'll have pigs from you. Off we go, pigs.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oink, oink.

-Oink?!

What are you, six?

Pigs. Off we go. Pigs. SNORTING

Very good. Middle section, sheep from you. You'll be good at this. Here we go.

Teesside, sheep.

-AUDIENCE:

-Baa!

That was very good. Now, that's just ambience.

Is everybody ready for the auction? Very good.

Bit of pigs, bit of pigs, bit of pigs. Bit of pigs.

SNORTING

-Chickens, fade in. AUDIENCE:

-Bwark!

-Louder! Fade it in. Sheep. AUDIENCE:

-Baa!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the cattle auction.

First lot, first lot is a bullock.

First lot is a bullock.

For fuck...

Where are you, Dave? You were mouthy before. You ready, Dave?

It's all on you, mate. "You bastard! You said it was all cows." Pigs, pigs, pigs.

Sheep, sheep. Chickens. Fade it up.

Fade it out, fade it out. And welcome to the cattle auction.

First lot, first lot is a bullock. First lot is a bullock.

You bastard! You said it was all cows.

Yeah, you said it was all cows.

Terribly sorry. Anyone else interested at all? Anyone interested at all?

-It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock.

-He likes bullock. Anyone else?

-I'm in, an' all.

-We've got an auction, everybody. CHEERING

And six and seven, and nine, and nine, and ten, and 11, and 12.

And 12. With you at 12.

Oh, that's too rich for me!

That's too rich for him. Anyone else interested at all?

Put your...

Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying the bloody bullock.

BOOING

You were excellent. Well done.

Give yourselves a massive round of applause.

The magnificent Mr David O'Doherty!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BEAT PLAYS ON KEYBOARD Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Someone's got the party machine!

Do you have the time? Sir, do you have the time?

It's party time. Stop looking at your watch.

I would have accepted "David O'Doherty time", as well.

It's going to be like a party in my house. That's what the next five minutes is all about.

In many ways, it WON'T be like a party at my house,

as I'll be the one doing most of the partying

and you'll just be sitting in the dark, receiving the party.

Which sounds pretty sleazy when you put it like that,

considering you have paid to receive the party.

# Cos there's a party starting right now

# You are all invited

# Party starting right now

# Time to get excited

# It's as if the neighbours on this side

# Have gone away

# And the neighbours on this side are old and

# Pretty much deaf

# Party, party, party Party, party, party

# People standing in the kitchen talking about The King's Speech

# "Pretty good film" is the general consensus

# There's gonna be

# Lots of ladies and men

# There's some cheese

# In the kitchen Babybels

# There'll be streamers flying

# Through the air

# Someone'll probably go home wearing someone else's coat... #

It's going to be fucking mayhem!

# Tell all your friends and invite them along

# But not friends of friends

# That would be too many friends

# And my party needs some basic ground rules

# You don't want a situation like at Rob's party last year

# Where a CD went missing

# Someone broke a chair

# And someone tried to fill Rob's dog with helium

# Tried to stick him on to the "celium"

# But he didn't float up or bark high-pitched

# He just became violently ill

# Party, party, party, party, party!

# Someone's drinking through a straw from a coconut

# We're going to party on through

# Till the break of dawn

# Or until I come down

# In my dressing gown

# And say "That's it, everyone fuck off

# "Party over

# "I'm going to bed

# "Can you please take your coats off my bed?"

# Party, party, p...

# Oh, was someone doing it in the coats? Party. #

It's that sort of party. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Thank you.

Yeah, here he comes. It's Josh Widdicombe!

Hello.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello.

-You well?

-Yes.

-Yes. Excited?

Yes.

Good. Good.

-I'm enjoying Edinburgh. Are we enjoying Edinburgh?

-Yes!

Good. You reply like you're in assembly. It's lovely!

I'm living in quite a nice area in Edinburgh.

I live in a nicer area in Edinburgh than in real life. I moved six months ago, to quite a rough area.

To give you an idea, the estate agent, one of the ways he sold it to us, he said,

"Well, it's a great location, cos you're just across the road from Argos Extra."

If you don't know Argos Extra, it's a smaller version of Argos.

They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less".

They've got the normal catalogue, so it's full of things they've never had in stock.

Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes. Nothing came up. The guy came over. "You all right?"

I said, "Well, you haven't got anything." He said,

"Well, we've got a greatly reduced range.

"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually

"no bigger than this room we're having the discussion in now."

I said, "Well, here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,

"bring it through here. We'll call the whole thing a shop."

Cos currently, what I'm doing is dialling numbers,

trying to guess what's the other side of a wall.

I mean, this isn't shopping - this is Battleships.

I said, "I've been here 20 minutes. I don't even remember what I came in for.

"I'm just dialling in random numbers.

"The only thing I've found that you've got in stock is a Playboy themed hot-water bottle."

He said, "Yeah, that's one of our sexier items."

I said, "When did the hot-water bottle become a sexy item?

"From my experience, it's used for two things -

"cold feet and period pains."

Call me a weirdo - I've never been turned on by either of them!

If there IS a relationship between the hot-water bottle and sex,

it's that when you see that your partner is filling up a hot-water bottle,

you are not having sex.

I came out of a relationship about six months ago.

The worst bit's just after. No-one knows what to say, so they say,

"Well, think of the good times. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

But that's not true, is it?

Cos that's not how losing things works.

Cos when you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,

"Well, at least I HAD a phone. I mean...

"It's better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it,

"than never to have phoned at all.

"All those phone calls - they're memories I'll always cherish."

It's like those relationships that petered out.

She said, "I think this has petered out."

I agreed, we split up and I went away and thought,

"I've got no idea what petering is."

"The only thing I know about petering is it's bad news, cos it always goes in the same direction - out."

Nothing's ever petered in, has it?

Ever said to someone, "How did you two get together?"

"Well, we were friends but, er, then we started petering together."

"Before I knew, we petered all the way in, yeah."

If I'd known I was petering out, I would've stopped petering.

Problem is, you're only told once you've petered.

It's very similar to when someone's had it up to here with you.

They only let you know when you've reached that level, don't they?

I think they should give you a warning at the half-way stage.

"Just so you know, I've had it up to about here with you.

"If you do keep taking that cheese that's meant for the lasagne,

"you'll be up to here by bedtime and that is the danger zone."

It doesn't explain anything, "petering".

Just turn up at an autopsy and go, "Worked out what happened?"

"Yeah, we've had a look and, er, we think he petered out."

"Either that, or he'd had it up to here with drowning - we're not sure."

It's difficult - the cliches are the problem.

I phoned up my dad. I was talking to him about being single.

He said, "Oh, are you worried about dying alone?"

I said, "Well, not till now, no."

I don't understand this phrase - why are we bringing dying into it?

If anything, the time you don't want to be alone is when you're alive.

For me, the dying will solve the loneliness.

If I'm given 24 hours to live and I'm single, I'm just going to accept it.

I'm not going to get on Guardian Soulmates.

"My interests? Long walks. Not too long - I haven't got all day, literally."

"What am I looking for? One-night stand/life partner. It's the very same thing."

These myths about dying - they're... Like, when someone says,

"Oh, at least he died doing something he loved. That's a consolation, isn't it?"

No. No, it's not, cos never, when I've been doing something I loved, have I ever thought,

"Well, this is good.

"But I tell you what'd top this off -

"a bit of the old death, that's what I'm looking for here."

On a roller coaster going, "I really hope I fall out in a minute - that'd be perfect."

Doing a bungee jump. "Cut the cord - I'm having the best day of my life. End it now."

It's not when you want to die.

You want to die when you're doing something horrible.

You want to die when you're cleaning up, hung over, after a house party.

That's when you actually go, "I wish I was dead. I genuinely wish I was dead."

When you mistake a woman for a man - that's when you want to die, isn't it?

You have been lovely. You have some awesome acts coming up.

My name is Josh Widdicombe. Thank you very much. Goodnight.

The magnificent Kurt Braunohler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It is an absolute pleasure to be here in Edinburgh, Scotland.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not familiar with me, that's OK.

My name is Kurt Braunohler and in America

I have won the top college ventriloquist

now for 15 years running.

And that means that I am very good at what I do.

But don't take my word for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

and welcome to the stage my dummy, Kristen Schaal.

She looks like she's been sleeping.

How are you, Kristen?

Good.

You spend a lot of time in that box. How do you like the box?

I don't like the box.

Why do you spend so much time in there then?

Not by choice.

Not by choice.

I feel like I die a small death in the box.

Ooh, a small death.

That's what the French call an orgasm, a tiny death.

I wouldn't know. I got nothing down there.

Just wood.

Just wood.

That's sad.

Kristen, what do you think of this beautiful crowd here today?

I want to meet them.

Kristen, you can't meet everybody here.

That would take too long.

I want to shake their hand.

Look, we can shake one person's hand.

Ma'am, would you come up and shake her hand

so she gets this crazy idea out of her head? Come on up here.

(WHISPERS) I'm a real girl.

Help me.

Help me.

Sit down.

Kristen, do you know what time it is?

Weather.

That's right. It's time for you to give me some water and I'll drink it

while you read the weather.

You want to get that water for me?

Did you poison that water, Kristen?

Why did you poison the water, Kristen?

You go in the box.

Six feet down.

Kristen, you stupid girl.

When I die, you die.

No.

Oh God... the poison's so quickly acting.

I'm free!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

Please welcome, Imran Yusef.

CHEERING

Good evening, Edinburgh!

AUDIENCE: Hooray!

Awesome, guys. Absolutely fantastic to be here, man. Edinburgh 2011.

However, world peace still eludes us. I want world peace. I believe in world peace.

That's the kind of naively optimistic person that I am.

I believe world peace is entirely possible.

That's the kind of person I am. I'm not making any apologies or excuses for it.

I believe in world peace and we're going to see it one day.

Maybe not in our lifetime, maybe not even for generations to come,

but one day human beings will cultivate enough compassion,

patience and restraint from one another that we will see world peace

blossom and flourish over this planet.

I believe in that because anything is possible.

Absolutely anything is possible.

In the future, a white guy is going to win the 100 metres.

Don't laugh about it, that's somebody's dream.

He'll be ginger too. He'll be called the Red Flash.

Cos our political leaders don't want world peace, man.

They control the world by dividing us through our ideologies and keeping us in a state of fear.

I know our Prime Minister doesn't want world peace

cos of something he said that really upset me.

He went out to some big conference in Germany and he said something

to this effect, paraphrased as this, that multiculturalism has failed.

I thought, wow, what a horrible thing to say about our beautiful country

and how richly diverse it actually is.

The flipside of that multicultural coin is this.

A lot of us are actually getting along. Would you agree?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Thanks for that cos I asked that in Barnsley once and all I got was,

"No! Take your curry with you.

"Just leave some samosas, I like them."

When he said multiculturalism had failed,

it kind of made me question my own value in British society.

Wherever I've gone in life, I've never fitted in.

I wasn't born in Britain but I have grown up in Britain.

I consider this home.

Wherever I've gone, I have never fit in. Some people don't even believe what my background is.

When I tell people where my family are from, I get into arguments.

My family from East Africa, that is where we're from.

But I get into these arguments with people.

"Yeah, come on, where are you really from? Like, really.

"I don't want to know where you're manufactured, yeah?

"I want to know your origin, where are you really from?"

So I tell them, I was actually born in Kenya, that is where I was born.

"Come on, stop trying to be funny. You know what I mean.

"Where are your parents REALLY from?"

Actually, I can reveal to you both my parents are also from East Africa.

It is where they were born.

"Yeah, but come on, stop taking the piss with your history

"and your geography and politics.

"Where are your grandparents really FROM?"

That's when it got me. My grandparents actually grew up

and spent most of their life in East Africa, but my great grandparents

came from India, and they came from a region of India called Konkan.

And the name of their community out there were the Konkani Muslims.

That was the name of their community.

But, over time, this changed, and eventually it became smaller

and more succinct, and by the time they had moved over to East Africa,

the name of the entire community had changed to what it is to this very day,

which is, and I kid you not, the Kokni Muslims.

I am not making it up, Google it. K-O-K-N-I, Kokni Muslims.

And by that, I don't mean there's a bunch of Muslim people

running around East Africa going, "Salam alaikum, you slag."

You are not going to catch us outside a mosque on Friday night going,

# My old man's a mullah he wears a mullah's cap

# He dons a long, Islamic frock and wants Israel off the map! #

We're releasing that on iTunes, buy it, 99p.

As you can imagine, my parents got kicked out of Uganda by Idi Amin,

who gave all the Asians 90 days to leave, only to then learn,

"shit, what do we do with all these cash registers?"

And then my family are forced to go and live in Hackney Downs,

East London.

See, the East Side, you must recognise.

Understand what I'm trying to say?

I was born in the Third World, and upgraded to the ghetto.

If you've been watching the news, it's like the flipping Third World again.

So that is what we had to go and move to.

My family heard they were going to be uprooted from their culture,

their language, their way of life, and be forced to go

and live in east London, they were not worried, not for one second.

This is exactly what they said.

They said, "Don't worry, I've heard where we're going to live in East London,

"There are actually plenty of Koknis."

LAUGHTER

I grew up in England,

so therefore I am a proud supporter of the English football team.

I am proud of that.

I was not born in England, but I've grown up here

so I support the English football team. That is the kind of patriot I am.

I get upset when I hear people talk about supporting Brazil.

Why, are you Brazilian? "No, I just like the yellow top." Shut up.

No, the rules are you support the country that you were born in, or you grew up in.

Those are the rules.

I know the English football team does not do too well nowadays because they

are too busy being celebrities rather than being professional athletes representing their country.

But regardless of how bad England might ever do in any kind of World Cup competition,

I will always support the English football team because I'm a patriot.

But when it comes to cricket, they're on their own.

Up until recently, anyway. That is my time, peace out, God bless.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please welcome all the way from Australia, Sam Simmons!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Do you like bread?

-Yeah, bread is OK.

-Do you, like, fully get into it?

-No, not fully. What are you talking about?

-Bread.

-I know you're talking about bread.

-Oh, you know bread?

-I don't know bread. I like toast.

-I like toast.

-Yeah, toast is good, eh?

-Yeah, I fully get into bread. I like bread when I...good.

-What?

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS What are you talking about?

-Bread.

-I know you're talking about bread!

-What is going on with this disco music, man?

-Er, it's for the bread.

-What do you mean, it's for bread?

-Like when you put on bread shoes.

-Well, you should have just said bread shoes!

-Er, bread shoes.

This one's going out to all the ladies out there who like to wear

bread on their feet.

# Bread shoes!

# Put on the bread sho-o-es!

# My kind of bread shoes

# Bread shoes are the thing... #

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Now, bring it on back. Come on!

Come on, come on. Right at me!

Come on, bring it on back. Yeah! Come on!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Come on! Ahh!

MUSIC ENDS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's a famine.

LAUGHTER

Well, most of you are just looking at me like, "Fuck.

"It's the guy from Guess Who?".

LAUGHTER

If you want to hire me out for a soiree, I don't just do bread.

I also do soup.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sam Simmons, everybody! Sam Simmons.

We are back next week with more exclusive Three At The Fringe highlights,

and if you enjoyed all of that what you have just seen,

there is lots more exclusive comedy right now

over on the BBC Three website.

Thank you for watching. OK, bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]