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This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to The Best of Three at the Fringe.
I'm Scott Mills, and you are about to see 30 minutes
of fantastic live comedy from some of the biggest names
and the freshest, most exciting new talent
performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.
Remember, you can check out the BBC3 website,
where you can access even more comedy performances
direct from the BBC's Edinburgh venue,
as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.
Now, it's time to go over to the BBC Three main stage
and meet your compere for tonight's show, it's Mr Chris Ramsey.
You do loads of different of gigs. I gig all over the place, it's good.
I did a gig last year in Cambridge University, right,
and I don't know if anyone's been to Cambridge University,
but just go and visit it, right, because it is Hogwarts, it's amazing.
It's the poshest place I have ever been in my life.
Some of the students are so posh
that there's not even a word for how posh they are.
It's just a noise, and the noise is, "Harararara!"
Now, I'm not having a go at them properly, right,
but so posh, so posh,
it's almost a disability, and I mean that in the nicest...
You know what I mean? I know it's a bit harsh.
I did this gig, right, it was me and my mate, he's called Greg Davies,
he plays the really tall headmaster from The Inbetweeners.
We were standing on the riverbank, we'd done this gig for the students.
We're quite drunk, and we're quite annoyed.
And when I'm in a really posh situation, I don't know,
the working-class side of us just wants to destroy it,
do you know what I mean?
I really want to ruin it. There's a little Geordie fairy,
who lives on my shoulder and he gets annoyed, right?
We walked into Cambridge and he went, "What are you doing here?
"Put it in the back of your car.
"Do donuts on the lawn and put a scratch card on on the way home."
He was trying to drag us back down.
We were standing on the riverbank, me and Greg,
had a few drinks, we'd done the gig. It was about six in the morning,
the Cambridge students had been on a free bar all night.
This is how posh they were - none of them were unconscious, eating kebabs
or fingering each other. I was furious!
You know what they were doing half six in the morning
after a free bar all night?
They were punting along the river!
What are you doing?
Some of them who weren't driving, or whatever it is,
I don't know how to say it, like, propelling the punt,
they were lying on blankets eating cheese, right?
The Geordie was furious.
He dropped his chips and there was garlic sauce all down my shirt.
He was furious, right?
We spotted this guy standing on the front of his punt.
He drew our attention because a punt doesn't move very fast,
it probably moves about that fast,
it's just propelled with a stick. But there was one lad on the front,
posh-as-anything Cambridge lad, on the front of the punt...
..staring into his nautical future. "I'm discovering new worlds, Father."
Greg Davies went, "He looks like a bit of a bellend."
I went, "Yes, he really does."
It was confirmed he was a bellend
because Bellend's mate came next to us and shouted at him.
He wasn't called Bellend,
that would've been the greatest night of my life.
He was called Greg as well, but it was pronounced, "Gregory!"
His mate went, "Gregory!
Oo-ooh! Foxhorn turned round straight away.
"Gregory," he went,
"Greg, are we going into the food tent for some breakfast?"
Gregory went, "No, no bloody way!
"Drinks tent all morning!
"Bloody Marys all round!
"# Hi diddly dee, a sailor... #"
It was unbelievable, it was ridiculous.
Greg went, "It's confirmed - he's a weapons-grade bellend."
I went, "Yes."
We followed this guy into the tent,
and we're a bit drunk, I was a bit bad,
I was a bit upset for what we did. We sort of bullied the lad a bit.
But I'm only telling you about it because he was amazing, the kid.
He was just bulletproof, right?
Greg stood one side of him, I stood the other.
He went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?"
He was already ordering loads of Bloody Marys, this kid.
Greg went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?" I went...
"I don't know, Greg, maybe a...Bloody Mary."
The lad wasn't really... He sort of moved a bit, a bit of interest.
Greg went, "Yeah, but I don't even know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"
It's not the best bullying that I've ever been part of.
We were warming up. "I don't even know what's IN a bloody Mary!"
Six foot eight of Greg Davies leant over this kid
and an inch from his face screamed,
"I don't know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"
Was he intimidated? No. He turned to Greg and went,
"Vodka, tomato, Tabasco, pepper."
Turned back round. I nearly exploded.
Was he intimidated? No, he gave him a recipe, for God's sake!
It was phenomenal. I was out with the game, I couldn't breathe.
The best bit was because when he said "pepper", he enunciated his P
so perfectly, that he did an involuntary arm spasm.
"Pepper!," like that.
And he punched one of his Bloody Marys over, and it covered the thing.
I was going, "Ha-a-a-a-!"
Greg hadn't had enough.
It was amazing to watch, Greg went into that mode of the headmaster
from that show, he went into the mode, he went, "You stupid boy!
"Look at that, look at all that crap on there, look at what you've done.
"There's none of that shit in that glass, is there?
"That's not a Bloody Mary anymore, is it?" Was the lad intimidated?
Still not. He turned to Greg and went, "No, it's a bloody mess."
-Morning, morning, morning.
-Clink. No rest of the wicked, eh?
-Morning, morning, morning.
Gentlemen, before we get the banter under way,
-What's with him?
-Have you guys not heard about Craig?
-You remember Craig's girlfriend?
-She broke up with him at the weekend.
Yeah. He's not taking it well.
-Taken it badly?
-You know what he's like under pressure.
-Cracks like ice.
-He does, he cracks just like ice.
So listen, if you see Craig around and he's acting a bit weird,
a bit peculiar, just be normal around him.
-Just act normal around Craig.
-Just play it cool around Craig.
Whatever he does, just be normal about it.
-It's what he needs.
-We are his support network.
-We are, though.
It's really nice that you say that, it's a really lovely thing.
-Holidays this year.
-I was thinking about going to Croatia.
-What is there to do, though?
I want somewhere where I can go on the beach for a few days.
You want a busy holiday?
I don't know if I want a busy holiday, but I want the option.
You went Dubrovnik, it was lovely.
You strike me as kind of adventurous.
-Adventurous. It's been said before.
No. I don't want to do anything too...
-I want to relax as well.
Maybe not a beach necessarily, but a nice city that you can unwind in.
-Nice city, yes.
-Yeah, city break.
Or maybe I should go to a couple of places over the course of a month?
-You could InterRail.
-I could InterRail. Could be fun.
Maybe I'll do that.
-Guys, guys, shh.
Hey, guys, did you hear about my girlfriend?
Yeah. Sorry, Craig. Sorry.
Late-night gimp fight.
# I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
# Watch you smile while you are sleeping
# While you're far away and dreaming
# I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
# I could stay lost in this moment
# Every moment spent with you
# Is a moment I treasure
# Don't want to close my eyes
# I don't want to fall asleep because I'd miss you, baby
# And I don't want to miss a thing
# Cos even when I dream of you
# The sweetest dream would never do I'd still miss you, baby
# And I don't want to miss a thing
# Lying close to you
# Feeling your heart beating
# And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
# Wondering if it's me you're seeing
# Then I kiss your eyes
# And thank God we're together
# And I just want to stay with you
# In this moment forever
# Forever and ever
# I don't want to close my eyes... #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Zoe Lyons, everyone!
Hi. Oh, Edinburgh, I love you. I love you, Edinburgh.
Things happen here late at night in Edinburgh.
Last night, two o'clock in the morning, I was walking home.
I got wolf whistled by a tramp, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes, I did.
I did, and it's amazing how you can sort of turn things around
to your way of thinking, can't you?
Because I looked at that man, sitting in a puddle of his own making,
with one tooth rattling lonely in his head, with his life savings
in a takeaway box on his lap,
and I thought, "You might not have always made the right life choices,
"but you've certainly got a keen eye when it comes to the ladies."
And I like that in a man/tramp.
I do. I do. It's a bit of a challenge here, being at the festival.
The weather is often a bit of a challenge.
You can entertain yourselves, though, in the rain, can't you? You can.
I love watching women who insist on wearing Ugg boots despite the fact
that it's raining biblically. Have you seen them?
If you can stand beside them,
you can actually hear them sucking up water like osmosis,
and then they're forced to walk away
like homeless astronauts with rickets,
because there's no support in those puppies whatsoever, is there?
You've got to look at them and go, "What are you doing, love?
"You're wearing sheepskin on your feet,
"it's a highly-absorbent piece of material."
It doesn't make any sense, it's like going out into the rain
in a papier-mache anorak, for God's sakes.
I mean, sheep don't wear sheepskin on their feet, do they?
Even they've had a little think to themselves, haven't they?
They've taken the time to think it through and gone,
"Hang on, that's never going to work, is it?
"I'm going to stop the sheepskin
"at the knee
"and grow a little hoof, that's what I'm going to do."
I have friends who tell me they enjoy it when their boyfriends
are in touch with their feminine side. Have you ever heard that?
Ever heard that expression? Yeah, you have.
My friend Maggie, she's like,
"I love it when Richard's in touch with his feminine side, I love it.
"Last week he came home, he brought me some flowers, some chocolates,
"a DVD, we watched it together, he had a little cry.
"I looked round, I thought,
"'I love it when he's in touch with his feminine side.'"
I've never heard Richard saying the opposite.
I've never gone round and gone, "Where's Maggie?"
"She's playing Mortal Kombat, drinking lager and cracking one off.
"She came home drunk last night. I found her peeing on the DVD player.
"She's very much in touch with her masculine side."
I tell you what I noticed watching the lootings and riotings in London.
It was disgusting, abhorrent, horrible, mindless violence,
but I also noticed there weren't many women my age taking part.
I thought, "I know why that is, our expectations are through the roof -
"but what we want out of life now has changed.
"I want an Aga, that's what I want."
I'd be the idiot trying to leave John Lewis with a Smeg fridge.
They'd just find me under a ton of Smeg outside the shop.
Let me tell you that would be the first and last time I'd be found
under a ton of Smeg, ladies and gentlemen,
the first and last time.
It's crazy stuff. People are rioting
because they want stuff they don't need. We're surrounded by that.
You just have to look in shops.
Do you know what I found in a shop the other day? Organic cat food.
Cat food. Cat food...
that is organic.
Are you telling me I now live on a planet where cats are demanding
organic cat food? Is that the level?
Cats are just wandering in, looking at their dinners going,
"No, I'm sorry I can't possibly eat that, I'm sorry.
"Don't be embarrassed,
"I should have said something prior to the dining experience,
"but I'm on a strictly organic diet. I don't even lick the mice here,
"they're full of toxins.
"I get them shipped in from a small farmer in Somerset.
"They're very small, but they're exploding with flavour.
"Is that milk? This is doubly awkward.
"I'm so sorry, I am lactose intolerant, this isn't good."
That never happens, does it? You put food in front of a cat,
the cat will just look at it and go, "Food, ta. Oh, that is delicious.
"I've been licking my own arsehole all day."
Thank you so much for listening.
I've been Zoe Lyons, you've been gorgeous. Take care!
Hello, I'm John Luke Roberts, or you can call me by my rap name,
I think I said that right.
So, what I like to do generally at a comedy gig is just insult you all
to your faces, individually.
It's just to lower the self-confidence of the room,
make you more nervous and giggly. Exactly right, sir.
So I don't want to hurt anyone, though,
so I'm just going to do it in order, off these cards.
So, it's nothing to do with you,
it's just what happens to be on the card I'm looking at
when I'm also looking at your face.
And some of them do happen to be spookily accurate,
but it's entirely coincidental.
Oh, if you do end up crying, can you try and do that heave-y crying,
which can easily be mistaken for laughter from behind?
So when I point at you, shout your name at me,
I'll insult you, and then we'll get on with our lives.
I've just been to the top of Ben Nevis,
and by comparison, you are a terrible view.
So that's a sort of warning shot. I don't pull punches.
How do you feel, Harry? OK, great.
Kate, people say a lot of nice things about you, Kate,
but they also do this a lot.
Mark, they broke the mould when they made you.
No, just BEFORE they made you!
I'm implying that Mark is defective.
Caroline, it's like your face is in 3D
but I haven't got the glasses on.
Linda, if opposites attract, you must be going out with someone kind,
Sarah, the one thing Israel and Palestine CAN agree on
is that YOU are a douchebag.
Keith, if you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form
of livestock, even Morrissey would happily eat you.
Susan, your filing system is inadequate.
Dawn, if you went through
a high-profile divorce with Katie Price,
the public sympathy would be with her.
Alex, no-one has ever had a sex dream about you
without waking up and feeling distinctly uneasy.
Stewart, no-one can play the song What A Wonderful World near you
without seeming terribly insincere.
We'll skip back to the second row there.
Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you
has done so sarcastically.
Danny, in a dystopian vision of the future,
you would remain the same.
Mike. Last one, Mike, think you can take it?
All right, Mike, if Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive you,
he wouldn't be Spiderman, he'd be Dickheadman.
I've been John Luke Roberts. No offence. Thanks very much!
Joe Lysett, everyone. Yes!
Lovely. Hello. Are you well?
-Oh, I'm sure you can do better than that. Are you well?
-Wonderful news. Hello. Nice to see you all.
I'm really happy to be here, I love the Fringe.
I love the mental stuff that happens -
there's always something ridiculous.
This year - yesterday, actually, in fact - I was at the Udderbelly,
the outdoor bar at the Udderbelly, and this girl came up next to me
with a hotdog in one hand and her bag in the other, she ordered
a white wine and the man behind the bar said, "Can I see some ID?"
Now, what I think she meant to say was,
"I haven't got a spare hand, so I can't get my ID out of my bag."
But what actually came out was,
"I'm 24 and I'm holding a sausage!"
That is proof, proof.
It's delightful, isn't it? So sweet.
But not all daft things are quite as fun as that.
Like, I'm a massive worrier.
I worry about all of these things, because I think, "Who checked these?" Because if that falls on your head,
you're fucked, aren't you? I'm a massive hypochondriac, too.
Are there any hypochondriacs in?
No, they don't generally leave the house, so that's perfectly acceptable.
I get a bit of a cold and I immediately think,
"That'll be face cancer,"
and start planning the funeral. Absolute nightmare!
Perfect example of this - one evening I had a whole bottle of red wine
and then a hot chocolate
and I threw up and there were brown bits and I thought,
"That's not right." So I went on Wikipedia,
the finest of all diagnostic tools,
and Wikipedia said,
"You are shitting out of your mouth? Everything's going wrong!"
So I called up NHS Direct and she said,
"Have you had anything brown to eat or drink recently?"
I said, "I've had a hot chocolate." She essentially told me to fuck off.
Not good at all.
Yes, some of you might have realised by now that I'm quite middle class.
Are there other middle-class people? Cheer if you're middle class.
Oh, so there's three people here,
a couple over there and the rest of you are poor?
I see. Well, hello, poor people.
Give me a wave, middle-class people.
Oh, I see. This gentleman here, you're middle class, are you?
What's your favourite cheese? Do you know what cheese is?
Camembert? Working class.
Why didn't you just say Dairylea?
I should also establish some of you might be thinking,
"There's a homosexual on stage."
I'm not gay, I should clear this up. I'm actually bisexual,
which means you're all at risk.
Watch out. Yes!
People get very confused by bisexuality,
they think it doesn't exist. It definitely does.
I try and use it to puncture serious situations, because I hate authority.
I recently did my driving test,
which is a situation where you are definitely told what to do.
I had an examiner called Richard who had this horrible voice and he said,
"My name is Richard, what do you want me to call you?"
I said, "You can call me whatever you like,"
to see if he was up for some fun. He wasn't. We got...
We got into the car and he went,
"Right, Joe, I want you to pull off out of the test centre."
Not like that! You're making your own jokes now.
So I started to pull off and said,
"Do you want me to turn left or right, Richard?"
And he said, "I've not decided yet."
To which I said, "You are such a tease, Richard!"
Without missing a beat he went, "I am not a tease."
All right, touched a nerve!
In my defence, he did have his cock out, so what are you going to do?
This has been a delight. I hope you have a wonderful Fringe. I've been Joe Lycett. Ta-ta.
Hello, how are you doing? Some of you are struggling to recognise me.
I'm not Nick Grimshaw having a breakdown, this is me.
No, this is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown, which is why I look like the aborted triplet of Jedward.
I realise that's why... "Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours."
This is my weird career.
I didn't ask for it. Do you know what I was doing the last time I was on the BBC?
Dressed as Beyonce, dancing.
So desperate am I to be liked, right? And at the time, I was newly single.
Very confusing for a man to be newly single,
split up, and then dressed as a woman as a way of addressing those issues.
"I'll become my own woman, I'll do it with myself." It doesn't work, we've all tried it.
And I imagine what my ex must have thought if she'd switched
on the TV and saw me as a woman - "He's coping really badly."
And I thought afterwards that it wouldn't interfere,
but a lot of straight women...
I am straight by the way, I'll throw that in.
There's this straight sexuality in London.
I like Liza Minnelli and vag - I can't explain it, I like both.
Just throw that in. You looked uncomfortable!
"I thought you were one of the other team, mate.
"I'm so heterosexual, I'm a bit crippled from my heterosexuality."
I got some weird e-mails from girls.
"I don't understand what I felt when I saw you dressed as a woman,
"and I don't want to analyse it.
"Please meet me for a Sloppy Giuseppe."
As though the only woman I'm going to meet is a woman who finds me attractive as a woman?!
My confidence was so low.
I was only dating girls with low self-esteem at that point.
"I've got no confidence since my boyfriend left me." "Get in the van, you'll do!"
So the hunt was on a for a girl that... I do like talking about my job when I'm out, but not too much.
My career is speaking about myself,
so you don't want to have pizza and then speak about yourself.
I went out with this one girl. Bang up my street, my type,
not overly confident,
like Natalie Portman having a bad moment in Black Swan.
Sort of like, "I'll never be the Black Swan." "Get in the van, you'll do."
And we got on. We spoke about comedy a bit, but she wasn't too impressed.
And I start to feel it not only in the pants, but in the heart as well.
It's like, This is going so well,
"it's time to invite her back to mine."
And I'm always staying at hotels.
It's a creepy place to invite a girl back to.
"Do you want to come back to my hotel and clean up with the tiny soaps?
"And do you want a small whisky?"
But it didn't matter, because it was all comfortable
and ironic and fun, and we had so much in common,
and I knew we were going to do it for the first time.
Because it took me ages to lose my virginity,
I've not lost the excitement of doing it,
I'm still a teenager in my head, "I can't believe I'm going to do it!"
I have to still go for a victory dance in the bathroom.
"I'm going to have sex, I'm going to stick my willy..." Don't come in!
"Willy going in!"
And so we're kissing, this girl, she is bang up my street,
you know, she's got the Japanese cartoon haircut, stick thin,
rocking back and forth, "I don't know what I like,
"I've got no confidence." I'm exaggerating.
We're in the hotel room, snogging, the type of snogging where
it's, "We're going to do it," and we're both in our underwear.
I can't remember what underwear she had on, I was so blind with lust.
I was in my H&M multipack, like these ones,
the ones that look humiliating for a man.
There's nothing good about being a man and being naked, is there?
It's nice of you girls
to pretend now that feminism has finished its journey,
"We can look at men like we looked at women in the '60s.
"Hooray for feminism, now we can consume male flesh, hoorah."
But you don't mean a fully-naked man.
You don't mean...
You mean, there is something, and I know girls are thinking,
"Nonsense, it's worse to have the body of a woman!
"How dare you generalise, Third Russell of Comedy!
"How dare you generalise!" Yeah?
"Think of the changes our bodies go through
"over our careers and pregnancy,
"it's so hard to have the body of a woman." Right?
But, girls, be honest, in this highly-educated festival audience,
how many of you have actually ever stopped to think
what it's like to have a humiliating rod of flesh
jut out from your body the moment you find anyone vaguely attractive?
"Do you like me or not?"
"That would be telling."
"Oh, my God, why am I being so random?"
So that was the...
It's so true and personal, I'm actually getting the weird lips.
So, you know when it's definitely happening, there's no way it won't,
we're connected on every level,
philosophical, emotional, spiritual, the humour...
Then, stop. That horrible feeling when the hand goes on the chest.
"Please wait, no." I'm like, "What is it?
"Have you got a boyfriend? Has the spell worn off?
"You've realised that, whilst amusing, I'm repulsive?"
It will happen, as a comedian.
It's like a spell wearing off in Harry Potter. "I'll run back to Gryffindor."
It can happen when you stop being funny.
I wish I was a good enough writer to invent what came out of this girl's mouth.
I would be less worried about writing next year's Edinburgh show
if I could think up funny stuff like this.
Such is the weird world
that I've gone into these are the genuine words that came from her.
"Wait, please stop." Hand on the chest. "What is it, babe?"
This is what she said, "Please do the Beyonce dance."
I swear to God,
I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it, ladies and gentlemen!
I plugged my little travel iPod speaker in.
You know the creepy one you buy on an aeroplane?
"I injured my shoulder doing it, I might have to have an arthroscopy in December, you evil bitch, shut up."
I plugged it in. Do you have any idea what that dance looks like at a three-quarters canter?
# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-na-na. #
And it finishes - those of you that remember it -
it finishes with a dramatic... like that.
And I thought when I turned round she'd be...
You know the sort of pre-sexual laughter that can exist
between lovers where it's a bit ironic and then it resolves itself
into mutually-splendid lovemaking?
It wasn't that at all. As I did the "Boom",
she was so aroused by my primal dance that she launched
from the bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge.
So there's no punchlines. I'm post-modern. Relax.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Crane, you've been a fantastic audience. Goodnight!
If you enjoyed all that, there is loads more great comedy
right now on the BBC Three website.
Thanks for watching. OK, bye.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]