Episode 4 Comedy At The Fringe


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello, and welcome to The Best of Three at the Fringe.

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I'm Scott Mills, and you are about to see 30 minutes

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of fantastic live comedy from some of the biggest names

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and the freshest, most exciting new talent

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performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

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Remember, you can check out the BBC3 website,

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where you can access even more comedy performances

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direct from the BBC's Edinburgh venue,

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as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.

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Now, it's time to go over to the BBC Three main stage

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and meet your compere for tonight's show, it's Mr Chris Ramsey.

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You do loads of different of gigs. I gig all over the place, it's good.

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I did a gig last year in Cambridge University, right,

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and I don't know if anyone's been to Cambridge University,

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but just go and visit it, right, because it is Hogwarts, it's amazing.

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It's the poshest place I have ever been in my life.

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Some of the students are so posh

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that there's not even a word for how posh they are.

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It's just a noise, and the noise is, "Harararara!"

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Now, I'm not having a go at them properly, right,

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but so posh, so posh,

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it's almost a disability, and I mean that in the nicest...

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You know what I mean? I know it's a bit harsh.

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I did this gig, right, it was me and my mate, he's called Greg Davies,

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he plays the really tall headmaster from The Inbetweeners.

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We were standing on the riverbank, we'd done this gig for the students.

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We're quite drunk, and we're quite annoyed.

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And when I'm in a really posh situation, I don't know,

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the working-class side of us just wants to destroy it,

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do you know what I mean?

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I really want to ruin it. There's a little Geordie fairy,

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who lives on my shoulder and he gets annoyed, right?

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We walked into Cambridge and he went, "What are you doing here?

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"Steal everything.

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"Put it in the back of your car.

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"Do donuts on the lawn and put a scratch card on on the way home."

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He was trying to drag us back down.

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We were standing on the riverbank, me and Greg,

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had a few drinks, we'd done the gig. It was about six in the morning,

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the Cambridge students had been on a free bar all night.

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This is how posh they were - none of them were unconscious, eating kebabs

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or fingering each other. I was furious!

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You know what they were doing half six in the morning

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after a free bar all night?

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They were punting along the river!

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What are you doing?

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Some of them who weren't driving, or whatever it is,

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I don't know how to say it, like, propelling the punt,

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they were lying on blankets eating cheese, right?

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The Geordie was furious.

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He dropped his chips and there was garlic sauce all down my shirt.

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He was furious, right?

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We spotted this guy standing on the front of his punt.

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He drew our attention because a punt doesn't move very fast,

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it probably moves about that fast,

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it's just propelled with a stick. But there was one lad on the front,

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posh-as-anything Cambridge lad, on the front of the punt...

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..staring into his nautical future. "I'm discovering new worlds, Father."

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Greg Davies went, "He looks like a bit of a bellend."

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I went, "Yes, he really does."

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It was confirmed he was a bellend

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because Bellend's mate came next to us and shouted at him.

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He wasn't called Bellend,

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that would've been the greatest night of my life.

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He was called Greg as well, but it was pronounced, "Gregory!"

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His mate went, "Gregory!

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"Gregory!"

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Oo-ooh! Foxhorn turned round straight away.

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"Gregory," he went,

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"Greg, are we going into the food tent for some breakfast?"

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Gregory went, "No, no bloody way!

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"Drinks tent all morning!

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"Bloody Marys all round!

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"Bloody Marys...

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"# Hi diddly dee, a sailor... #"

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It was unbelievable, it was ridiculous.

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Greg went, "It's confirmed - he's a weapons-grade bellend."

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I went, "Yes."

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We followed this guy into the tent,

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and we're a bit drunk, I was a bit bad,

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I was a bit upset for what we did. We sort of bullied the lad a bit.

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But I'm only telling you about it because he was amazing, the kid.

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He was just bulletproof, right?

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Greg stood one side of him, I stood the other.

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He went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?"

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He was already ordering loads of Bloody Marys, this kid.

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Greg went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?" I went...

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"I don't know, Greg, maybe a...Bloody Mary."

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The lad wasn't really... He sort of moved a bit, a bit of interest.

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Greg went, "Yeah, but I don't even know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"

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It's not the best bullying that I've ever been part of.

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We were warming up. "I don't even know what's IN a bloody Mary!"

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Six foot eight of Greg Davies leant over this kid

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and an inch from his face screamed,

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"I don't know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"

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Was he intimidated? No. He turned to Greg and went,

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"Vodka, tomato, Tabasco, pepper."

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Turned back round. I nearly exploded.

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Was he intimidated? No, he gave him a recipe, for God's sake!

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It was phenomenal. I was out with the game, I couldn't breathe.

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The best bit was because when he said "pepper", he enunciated his P

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so perfectly, that he did an involuntary arm spasm.

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"Pepper!," like that.

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And he punched one of his Bloody Marys over, and it covered the thing.

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I was going, "Ha-a-a-a-!"

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Greg hadn't had enough.

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It was amazing to watch, Greg went into that mode of the headmaster

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from that show, he went into the mode, he went, "You stupid boy!

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"Look at that, look at all that crap on there, look at what you've done.

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"There's none of that shit in that glass, is there?

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"That's not a Bloody Mary anymore, is it?" Was the lad intimidated?

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Still not. He turned to Greg and went, "No, it's a bloody mess."

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-Morning.

-Morning, morning, morning.

-Clink. No rest of the wicked, eh?

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-Morning, morning, morning.

-Oh.

-Tea o'clock.

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-Banter ahoy.

-Lovely. Lovely.

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Gentlemen, before we get the banter under way,

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-where's Craig?

-What's with him?

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-Have you guys not heard about Craig?

-No.

-You remember Craig's girlfriend?

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-Lovely girl.

-She broke up with him at the weekend.

-Poor Craig.

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Yeah. He's not taking it well.

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-Taken it badly?

-You know what he's like under pressure.

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-Cracks like ice.

-He does, he cracks just like ice.

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So listen, if you see Craig around and he's acting a bit weird,

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a bit peculiar, just be normal around him.

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-Just act normal around Craig.

-Just play it cool around Craig.

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Whatever he does, just be normal about it.

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-It's what he needs.

-We are his support network.

-We are, though.

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It's really nice that you say that, it's a really lovely thing.

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-Yeah.

-Holidays this year.

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-Yeah.

-Any recommendations?

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-I was thinking about going to Croatia.

-OK.

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-Hello.

-What is there to do, though?

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I want somewhere where I can go on the beach for a few days.

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You want a busy holiday?

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I don't know if I want a busy holiday, but I want the option.

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You went Dubrovnik, it was lovely.

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You strike me as kind of adventurous.

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Hello!

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-Adventurous. It's been said before.

-Rally biking?

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No. I don't want to do anything too...

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-Hello, shifty!

-I want to relax as well.

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Maybe not a beach necessarily, but a nice city that you can unwind in.

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-Nice city, yes.

-Yeah, city break.

-Bruges, perhaps?

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Or maybe I should go to a couple of places over the course of a month?

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-Yes.

-You could InterRail.

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-I could InterRail. Could be fun.

-Yes.

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Maybe I'll do that.

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-Yeah?

-Guys, guys, shh.

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Hey, guys, did you hear about my girlfriend?

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Yeah. Sorry, Craig. Sorry.

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Late-night gimp fight.

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# I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

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# Watch you smile while you are sleeping

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# While you're far away and dreaming

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# I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

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# I could stay lost in this moment

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# Forever

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# Every moment spent with you

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# Is a moment I treasure

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# Don't want to close my eyes

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# I don't want to fall asleep because I'd miss you, baby

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# And I don't want to miss a thing

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# Cos even when I dream of you

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# The sweetest dream would never do I'd still miss you, baby

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# And I don't want to miss a thing

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# Lying close to you

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# Feeling your heart beating

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# And I'm wondering what you're dreaming

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# Wondering if it's me you're seeing

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# Then I kiss your eyes

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# And thank God we're together

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# And I just want to stay with you

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# In this moment forever

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# Forever and ever

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# I don't want to close my eyes... #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Zoe Lyons, everyone!

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Hello!

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Hi. Oh, Edinburgh, I love you. I love you, Edinburgh.

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Things happen here late at night in Edinburgh.

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Last night, two o'clock in the morning, I was walking home.

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I got wolf whistled by a tramp, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes, I did.

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I did, and it's amazing how you can sort of turn things around

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to your way of thinking, can't you?

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Because I looked at that man, sitting in a puddle of his own making,

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with one tooth rattling lonely in his head, with his life savings

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in a takeaway box on his lap,

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and I thought, "You might not have always made the right life choices,

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"but you've certainly got a keen eye when it comes to the ladies."

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And I like that in a man/tramp.

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I do. I do. It's a bit of a challenge here, being at the festival.

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The weather is often a bit of a challenge.

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You can entertain yourselves, though, in the rain, can't you? You can.

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I love watching women who insist on wearing Ugg boots despite the fact

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that it's raining biblically. Have you seen them?

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If you can stand beside them,

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you can actually hear them sucking up water like osmosis,

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and then they're forced to walk away

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like homeless astronauts with rickets,

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because there's no support in those puppies whatsoever, is there?

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You've got to look at them and go, "What are you doing, love?

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"You're wearing sheepskin on your feet,

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"it's a highly-absorbent piece of material."

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It doesn't make any sense, it's like going out into the rain

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in a papier-mache anorak, for God's sakes.

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I mean, sheep don't wear sheepskin on their feet, do they?

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Even they've had a little think to themselves, haven't they?

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They've taken the time to think it through and gone,

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"Hang on, that's never going to work, is it?

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"I'm going to stop the sheepskin

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"at the knee

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"and grow a little hoof, that's what I'm going to do."

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I have friends who tell me they enjoy it when their boyfriends

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are in touch with their feminine side. Have you ever heard that?

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Ever heard that expression? Yeah, you have.

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My friend Maggie, she's like,

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"I love it when Richard's in touch with his feminine side, I love it.

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"Last week he came home, he brought me some flowers, some chocolates,

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"a DVD, we watched it together, he had a little cry.

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"I looked round, I thought,

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"'I love it when he's in touch with his feminine side.'"

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I've never heard Richard saying the opposite.

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I've never gone round and gone, "Where's Maggie?"

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"She's playing Mortal Kombat, drinking lager and cracking one off.

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"She came home drunk last night. I found her peeing on the DVD player.

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"She's very much in touch with her masculine side."

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I tell you what I noticed watching the lootings and riotings in London.

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It was disgusting, abhorrent, horrible, mindless violence,

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but I also noticed there weren't many women my age taking part.

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I thought, "I know why that is, our expectations are through the roof -

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"but what we want out of life now has changed.

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"I want an Aga, that's what I want."

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I'd be the idiot trying to leave John Lewis with a Smeg fridge.

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They'd just find me under a ton of Smeg outside the shop.

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Let me tell you that would be the first and last time I'd be found

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under a ton of Smeg, ladies and gentlemen,

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the first and last time.

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It's crazy stuff. People are rioting

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because they want stuff they don't need. We're surrounded by that.

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You just have to look in shops.

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Do you know what I found in a shop the other day? Organic cat food.

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Organic.

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Cat food. Cat food...

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that is organic.

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Are you telling me I now live on a planet where cats are demanding

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organic cat food? Is that the level?

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Cats are just wandering in, looking at their dinners going,

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"Oh...

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"no.

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"No, I'm sorry I can't possibly eat that, I'm sorry.

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"Don't be embarrassed,

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"I should have said something prior to the dining experience,

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"but I'm on a strictly organic diet. I don't even lick the mice here,

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"they're full of toxins.

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"I get them shipped in from a small farmer in Somerset.

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"They're very small, but they're exploding with flavour.

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"Is that milk? This is doubly awkward.

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"I'm so sorry, I am lactose intolerant, this isn't good."

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That never happens, does it? You put food in front of a cat,

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the cat will just look at it and go, "Food, ta. Oh, that is delicious.

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"I've been licking my own arsehole all day."

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Thank you so much for listening.

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I've been Zoe Lyons, you've been gorgeous. Take care!

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Hello.

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Hello, I'm John Luke Roberts, or you can call me by my rap name,

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N-O-T-O-R-I-O-U-S

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Big.

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I think I said that right.

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So, what I like to do generally at a comedy gig is just insult you all

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to your faces, individually.

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It's just to lower the self-confidence of the room,

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make you more nervous and giggly. Exactly right, sir.

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So I don't want to hurt anyone, though,

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so I'm just going to do it in order, off these cards.

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So, it's nothing to do with you,

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it's just what happens to be on the card I'm looking at

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when I'm also looking at your face.

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And some of them do happen to be spookily accurate,

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but it's entirely coincidental.

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Oh, if you do end up crying, can you try and do that heave-y crying,

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which can easily be mistaken for laughter from behind?

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So when I point at you, shout your name at me,

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I'll insult you, and then we'll get on with our lives.

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-Harry.

-Harry!

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I've just been to the top of Ben Nevis,

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and by comparison, you are a terrible view.

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So that's a sort of warning shot. I don't pull punches.

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How do you feel, Harry? OK, great.

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Kate, people say a lot of nice things about you, Kate,

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but they also do this a lot.

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Mark, they broke the mould when they made you.

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No, just BEFORE they made you!

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I'm implying that Mark is defective.

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Caroline, it's like your face is in 3D

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but I haven't got the glasses on.

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Linda, if opposites attract, you must be going out with someone kind,

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attractive

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and continent.

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Sarah, the one thing Israel and Palestine CAN agree on

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is that YOU are a douchebag.

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Keith, if you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form

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of livestock, even Morrissey would happily eat you.

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Susan, your filing system is inadequate.

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Dawn, if you went through

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a high-profile divorce with Katie Price,

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the public sympathy would be with her.

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Alex, no-one has ever had a sex dream about you

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without waking up and feeling distinctly uneasy.

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Stewart, no-one can play the song What A Wonderful World near you

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without seeming terribly insincere.

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We'll skip back to the second row there.

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Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you

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has done so sarcastically.

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Danny, in a dystopian vision of the future,

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you would remain the same.

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Mike. Last one, Mike, think you can take it?

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All right, Mike, if Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive you,

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he wouldn't be Spiderman, he'd be Dickheadman.

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I've been John Luke Roberts. No offence. Thanks very much!

0:17:550:17:58

CHEERING

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Joe Lysett, everyone. Yes!

0:18:020:18:05

Lovely. Hello. Are you well?

0:18:140:18:17

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-Oh, I'm sure you can do better than that. Are you well?

0:18:170:18:20

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Wonderful news. Hello. Nice to see you all.

0:18:200:18:23

I'm really happy to be here, I love the Fringe.

0:18:230:18:26

I love the mental stuff that happens -

0:18:260:18:28

there's always something ridiculous.

0:18:280:18:30

This year - yesterday, actually, in fact - I was at the Udderbelly,

0:18:300:18:34

the outdoor bar at the Udderbelly, and this girl came up next to me

0:18:340:18:37

with a hotdog in one hand and her bag in the other, she ordered

0:18:370:18:40

a white wine and the man behind the bar said, "Can I see some ID?"

0:18:400:18:44

Now, what I think she meant to say was,

0:18:440:18:46

"I haven't got a spare hand, so I can't get my ID out of my bag."

0:18:460:18:49

But what actually came out was,

0:18:490:18:50

"I'm 24 and I'm holding a sausage!"

0:18:500:18:52

That is proof, proof.

0:18:540:18:56

It's delightful, isn't it? So sweet.

0:18:560:18:58

But not all daft things are quite as fun as that.

0:18:580:19:00

Like, I'm a massive worrier.

0:19:000:19:02

I worry about all of these things, because I think, "Who checked these?" Because if that falls on your head,

0:19:020:19:05

you're fucked, aren't you? I'm a massive hypochondriac, too.

0:19:050:19:08

Are there any hypochondriacs in?

0:19:080:19:10

No, they don't generally leave the house, so that's perfectly acceptable.

0:19:100:19:13

I get a bit of a cold and I immediately think,

0:19:130:19:15

"That'll be face cancer,"

0:19:150:19:17

and start planning the funeral. Absolute nightmare!

0:19:170:19:19

Perfect example of this - one evening I had a whole bottle of red wine

0:19:190:19:23

and then a hot chocolate

0:19:230:19:24

and I threw up and there were brown bits and I thought,

0:19:240:19:27

"That's not right." So I went on Wikipedia,

0:19:270:19:29

the finest of all diagnostic tools,

0:19:290:19:31

and Wikipedia said,

0:19:310:19:32

"You are shitting out of your mouth? Everything's going wrong!"

0:19:320:19:36

So I called up NHS Direct and she said,

0:19:360:19:38

"Have you had anything brown to eat or drink recently?"

0:19:380:19:40

I said, "I've had a hot chocolate." She essentially told me to fuck off.

0:19:400:19:44

Not good at all.

0:19:440:19:46

Yes, some of you might have realised by now that I'm quite middle class.

0:19:460:19:50

Are there other middle-class people? Cheer if you're middle class.

0:19:500:19:54

SOME CHEERING

0:19:540:19:55

Oh, so there's three people here,

0:19:550:19:57

a couple over there and the rest of you are poor?

0:19:570:19:59

I see. Well, hello, poor people.

0:19:590:20:01

Give me a wave, middle-class people.

0:20:010:20:03

Oh, I see. This gentleman here, you're middle class, are you?

0:20:030:20:06

What's your favourite cheese? Do you know what cheese is?

0:20:060:20:10

Camembert? Working class.

0:20:110:20:13

Why didn't you just say Dairylea?

0:20:150:20:17

I should also establish some of you might be thinking,

0:20:170:20:19

"There's a homosexual on stage."

0:20:190:20:21

I'm not gay, I should clear this up. I'm actually bisexual,

0:20:210:20:24

which means you're all at risk.

0:20:240:20:27

Watch out. Yes!

0:20:270:20:30

People get very confused by bisexuality,

0:20:300:20:32

they think it doesn't exist. It definitely does.

0:20:320:20:35

I try and use it to puncture serious situations, because I hate authority.

0:20:350:20:39

I recently did my driving test,

0:20:390:20:40

which is a situation where you are definitely told what to do.

0:20:400:20:43

I had an examiner called Richard who had this horrible voice and he said,

0:20:430:20:47

"My name is Richard, what do you want me to call you?"

0:20:470:20:49

I said, "You can call me whatever you like,"

0:20:490:20:51

to see if he was up for some fun. He wasn't. We got...

0:20:510:20:54

We got into the car and he went,

0:20:540:20:56

"Right, Joe, I want you to pull off out of the test centre."

0:20:560:21:00

Not like that! You're making your own jokes now.

0:21:000:21:03

So I started to pull off and said,

0:21:030:21:05

"Do you want me to turn left or right, Richard?"

0:21:050:21:07

And he said, "I've not decided yet."

0:21:070:21:10

To which I said, "You are such a tease, Richard!"

0:21:100:21:13

Without missing a beat he went, "I am not a tease."

0:21:160:21:19

All right, touched a nerve!

0:21:190:21:20

In my defence, he did have his cock out, so what are you going to do?

0:21:200:21:24

This has been a delight. I hope you have a wonderful Fringe. I've been Joe Lycett. Ta-ta.

0:21:240:21:28

Hello, how are you doing? Some of you are struggling to recognise me.

0:21:400:21:44

I'm not Nick Grimshaw having a breakdown, this is me.

0:21:440:21:47

No, this is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown, which is why I look like the aborted triplet of Jedward.

0:21:470:21:52

I realise that's why... "Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours."

0:21:520:21:56

This is my weird career.

0:21:560:21:59

I didn't ask for it. Do you know what I was doing the last time I was on the BBC?

0:21:590:22:03

Dressed as Beyonce, dancing.

0:22:030:22:05

So desperate am I to be liked, right? And at the time, I was newly single.

0:22:050:22:09

Very confusing for a man to be newly single,

0:22:090:22:13

split up, and then dressed as a woman as a way of addressing those issues.

0:22:130:22:16

"I'll become my own woman, I'll do it with myself." It doesn't work, we've all tried it.

0:22:160:22:20

And I imagine what my ex must have thought if she'd switched

0:22:200:22:23

on the TV and saw me as a woman - "He's coping really badly."

0:22:230:22:28

And I thought afterwards that it wouldn't interfere,

0:22:280:22:31

but a lot of straight women...

0:22:310:22:33

I am straight by the way, I'll throw that in.

0:22:330:22:35

There's this straight sexuality in London.

0:22:350:22:37

I like Liza Minnelli and vag - I can't explain it, I like both.

0:22:370:22:40

Just throw that in. You looked uncomfortable!

0:22:420:22:45

"I thought you were one of the other team, mate.

0:22:450:22:47

"I'm so heterosexual, I'm a bit crippled from my heterosexuality."

0:22:470:22:52

I got some weird e-mails from girls.

0:22:520:22:55

"I don't understand what I felt when I saw you dressed as a woman,

0:22:550:22:59

"and I don't want to analyse it.

0:22:590:23:00

"Please meet me for a Sloppy Giuseppe."

0:23:000:23:03

As though the only woman I'm going to meet is a woman who finds me attractive as a woman?!

0:23:030:23:08

My confidence was so low.

0:23:080:23:09

I was only dating girls with low self-esteem at that point.

0:23:090:23:12

"I've got no confidence since my boyfriend left me." "Get in the van, you'll do!"

0:23:120:23:16

So the hunt was on a for a girl that... I do like talking about my job when I'm out, but not too much.

0:23:160:23:21

My career is speaking about myself,

0:23:210:23:23

so you don't want to have pizza and then speak about yourself.

0:23:230:23:25

I went out with this one girl. Bang up my street, my type,

0:23:250:23:28

not overly confident,

0:23:280:23:30

like Natalie Portman having a bad moment in Black Swan.

0:23:300:23:33

Sort of like, "I'll never be the Black Swan." "Get in the van, you'll do."

0:23:330:23:37

And we got on. We spoke about comedy a bit, but she wasn't too impressed.

0:23:380:23:42

And I start to feel it not only in the pants, but in the heart as well.

0:23:420:23:45

It's like, This is going so well,

0:23:450:23:47

"it's time to invite her back to mine."

0:23:470:23:49

And I'm always staying at hotels.

0:23:490:23:51

It's a creepy place to invite a girl back to.

0:23:510:23:53

"Do you want to come back to my hotel and clean up with the tiny soaps?

0:23:530:23:58

"And do you want a small whisky?"

0:23:580:23:59

But it didn't matter, because it was all comfortable

0:24:010:24:04

and ironic and fun, and we had so much in common,

0:24:040:24:06

and I knew we were going to do it for the first time.

0:24:060:24:09

Because it took me ages to lose my virginity,

0:24:090:24:11

I've not lost the excitement of doing it,

0:24:110:24:13

I'm still a teenager in my head, "I can't believe I'm going to do it!"

0:24:130:24:17

I have to still go for a victory dance in the bathroom.

0:24:170:24:21

"I'm going to have sex, I'm going to stick my willy..." Don't come in!

0:24:210:24:24

"Willy going in!"

0:24:260:24:29

And so we're kissing, this girl, she is bang up my street,

0:24:300:24:33

you know, she's got the Japanese cartoon haircut, stick thin,

0:24:330:24:37

rocking back and forth, "I don't know what I like,

0:24:370:24:40

"I've got no confidence." I'm exaggerating.

0:24:400:24:43

We're in the hotel room, snogging, the type of snogging where

0:24:430:24:46

it's, "We're going to do it," and we're both in our underwear.

0:24:460:24:49

I can't remember what underwear she had on, I was so blind with lust.

0:24:490:24:53

I was in my H&M multipack, like these ones,

0:24:530:24:56

the ones that look humiliating for a man.

0:24:560:24:58

There's nothing good about being a man and being naked, is there?

0:24:580:25:01

It's nice of you girls

0:25:010:25:02

to pretend now that feminism has finished its journey,

0:25:020:25:05

"We can look at men like we looked at women in the '60s.

0:25:050:25:08

"Hooray for feminism, now we can consume male flesh, hoorah."

0:25:080:25:11

But you don't mean a fully-naked man.

0:25:110:25:14

You don't mean...

0:25:140:25:16

You mean, there is something, and I know girls are thinking,

0:25:160:25:19

"Nonsense, it's worse to have the body of a woman!

0:25:190:25:22

"How dare you generalise, Third Russell of Comedy!

0:25:220:25:25

"How dare you generalise!" Yeah?

0:25:250:25:27

"Think of the changes our bodies go through

0:25:270:25:29

"over our careers and pregnancy,

0:25:290:25:30

"it's so hard to have the body of a woman." Right?

0:25:300:25:33

But, girls, be honest, in this highly-educated festival audience,

0:25:330:25:37

how many of you have actually ever stopped to think

0:25:370:25:40

what it's like to have a humiliating rod of flesh

0:25:400:25:43

jut out from your body the moment you find anyone vaguely attractive?

0:25:430:25:47

"Do you like me or not?"

0:25:470:25:49

"That would be telling."

0:25:490:25:51

"Oh, my God, why am I being so random?"

0:25:510:25:54

So that was the...

0:25:560:25:59

It's so true and personal, I'm actually getting the weird lips.

0:25:590:26:02

So, you know when it's definitely happening, there's no way it won't,

0:26:020:26:06

we're connected on every level,

0:26:060:26:08

philosophical, emotional, spiritual, the humour...

0:26:080:26:11

Then, stop. That horrible feeling when the hand goes on the chest.

0:26:110:26:14

"Please wait, no." I'm like, "What is it?

0:26:140:26:16

"Have you got a boyfriend? Has the spell worn off?

0:26:160:26:18

"You've realised that, whilst amusing, I'm repulsive?"

0:26:180:26:21

It will happen, as a comedian.

0:26:210:26:23

It's like a spell wearing off in Harry Potter. "I'll run back to Gryffindor."

0:26:230:26:27

It can happen when you stop being funny.

0:26:270:26:30

I wish I was a good enough writer to invent what came out of this girl's mouth.

0:26:300:26:34

I would be less worried about writing next year's Edinburgh show

0:26:340:26:37

if I could think up funny stuff like this.

0:26:370:26:39

Such is the weird world

0:26:390:26:40

that I've gone into these are the genuine words that came from her.

0:26:400:26:43

"Wait, please stop." Hand on the chest. "What is it, babe?"

0:26:430:26:46

This is what she said, "Please do the Beyonce dance."

0:26:460:26:50

I swear to God,

0:26:500:26:52

I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it, ladies and gentlemen!

0:26:520:26:56

I plugged my little travel iPod speaker in.

0:26:560:26:59

You know the creepy one you buy on an aeroplane?

0:26:590:27:01

"I injured my shoulder doing it, I might have to have an arthroscopy in December, you evil bitch, shut up."

0:27:010:27:07

I plugged it in. Do you have any idea what that dance looks like at a three-quarters canter?

0:27:080:27:12

Right.

0:27:120:27:13

# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-na-na. #

0:27:130:27:15

And it finishes - those of you that remember it -

0:27:180:27:21

it finishes with a dramatic... like that.

0:27:210:27:24

And I thought when I turned round she'd be...

0:27:240:27:26

You know the sort of pre-sexual laughter that can exist

0:27:260:27:29

between lovers where it's a bit ironic and then it resolves itself

0:27:290:27:32

into mutually-splendid lovemaking?

0:27:320:27:34

It wasn't that at all. As I did the "Boom",

0:27:340:27:37

she was so aroused by my primal dance that she launched

0:27:370:27:42

from the bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge.

0:27:420:27:46

So there's no punchlines. I'm post-modern. Relax.

0:27:510:27:54

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Crane, you've been a fantastic audience. Goodnight!

0:27:560:28:01

If you enjoyed all that, there is loads more great comedy

0:28:060:28:09

right now on the BBC Three website.

0:28:090:28:11

Thanks for watching. OK, bye.

0:28:110:28:14

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:270:28:31

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:310:28:34

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