Celebrity Bitch Slap Comedy Feeds

-Hi, I'm Sean Young.

-And I'm Pips Taylor.

-And this is CB News.

Bringing you the news behind the news about all of the lovely celebrities who make the news.

Secretly leaked tapes, CCTV footage, stuff shot on your camera phones,

all sent in to as at the CB News centre, checked by our lawyers and exclusively revealed to you.

-Coming up tonight:

-We tour the back passages of Britain's Got Talent.

I'm greatly looking forward to the chance to explore and meet more of the people of these islands.

We go behind the scenes on Harry's first-ever Royal tour.

Oh...

We lift the lid on Justin Bieber's 18th birthday celebrations.

And find out what parents Victoria and David have got planned for their eldest son, Brooklyn.

I'm not sure they'll fit in.

Now here's a story everyone can relate to.

Ordinary middle-class girl marries a prince and lives happily ever after.

Despite the close media scrutiny, Kate has been the model princess.

But footage leaked exclusively to CB News reveals Kate as you've never seen her before.

We sent our roving reporter Minnie Stevenson to find out more.

Let's be honest. Getting on with your in-laws is ridiculously difficult,

but imagine if your nan was the Queen of England.

It seems Kate has found an unlikely ally in fellow outsider Camilla.

Guests at this super-exclusive spa got a little bit of a shock

when Camilla and Kate rocked up for some treatments. Cameras and phones are strictly forbidden,

but we obtained some secret footage.

# Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well

# Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well

# Live fast, die young... #

This incredible footage - highly revealing - was leaked to CB News.

It seems that Camilla has taken Kate under her wing, so to speak.

In their downtime, they're really living it up when Her Majesty's not watching.

After we received that footage, I caught up with the beautician who had the pleasure of treating them.

Oh, my God, it was amazing. The best experience of my whole entire life. Proper amazing

If you can say you've done the Royals, that's high up in your profession.

Every girl, every beautician, they all love Kate. She's so pretty, so beautiful.

I definitely think all my friends are going to be jealous.

I think any lady of any age can have any beauty treatment.

Especially when they go home and their boyfriends see they made the effort.

I'd love to get my hands on the Queen. I'd love, love, love that.

So there you have it. A real CB News scoop. And with that, it's back to you in the studio.

Before we leave the Royals, we've got to ask the question...

Why was Prince William caught on CCTV in the middle of the night

at a petrol station in Woking?

The cashier was thrilled to meet the future King of England. His name's Arief and we spoke earlier.

He was a little bit in a hurry, but he was very gracious under the circumstances.

As the date on the CCTV camera clearly shows, it's the couple's first wedding anniversary.

Surely Wills didn't forget?

Do you have any flowers?

He was interested in our offers. I offered may different products

and I think he would have bought other things, but he was in a hurry because of the anniversary.

No! No!

Flowers! These flowers.

Yes, very good.

No, no. This...

-Yes, but all three.

-'All three! Now Kate will have them and they'll be very happy.

'and then they'll have a family and I feel that I have contributed something.

'He was under some pressure, but he got the flowers he wanted.'

It's real, it's real. OK?

So what exactly did lucky Kate receive from her Prince Charming?

Two basic carnations and our spring blossom bouquet. It's all there in the film.

What's it doing?

Get it! Good man.

Thank you! Thank you!

But, sir, your money...!

He forgot his damn money, this fool.

And now from a Prince to the King of Pop music.

It's been a tough few weeks for Simon Cowell with an unauthorised biography of the cheesy starmaker.

To find out more, we're going all Hollywood and handing over to our Lizzie in LA for the latest

and the rest of the showbiz news.

Hi, guys! Great to be with you as ever!

Now Simon Cowell - would you ever?

Hollywood is still reeling over the publication of the blockbusting book Sweet Revenge

which lifts the lid on the music mogul's most intimate secrets.

And here tonight on CB News we've exclusive footage

as well as an interview with a former member of Cowell's inner circle.

She's never before spoken in public and has asked that we protect her identity.

So tell me, the question everyone wants to ask -

white or black? The toilet paper, that is.

Black. Always black.

Simon is a very fastidious individual who demands the very highest standards.

He knows what he likes and he likes what he knows.

Also in the book there's an awful lot that's been made of Simon's appearance

and how goddamn great he looks.

What is his secret? What is his X Factor?

Whatever it is, sister, I want some!

Well, he won't like me saying, but you don't look that good without a little help.

He's had a lot of Botox, but he's also a vitamin nut.

That's right. I read that he takes them through a line. Is that for real?

150%. I've seen it with my own eyes.

It doesn't matter where he is. He could be in a meeting. They bring it in.

They freeze his arm.

They stick the needle in and off he goes.

Now, sticking with showbiz news, Rihanna's raising eyebrows again.

And, as usual, it's what she's wearing that's causing a stir.

It was only last year that the Only Girl star caused a riot

when she posed naked in a corn field in deeply religious Northern Ireland.

This year she's back on location

in Lei-cestershire, England,

filming a video for her new single Ho In One.

-And this birdie's choice of an exclusive golf course...

-What?!

..met with a very below par reaction.

Get your clothes on, will you? You're not allowed on here.

Oh, wait! I mean, this is ridiculous.

How dare you! Go away, please!

Some very teed-off golfers were quick to confront Rihanna and her crew.

No! No more! Please, we don't want any more!

Record label chiefs subsequently denied that the shoot had gone into the rough.

Her US-based publicist issued a statement that any misunderstanding was "entirely temporary".

With filming finished in England, Rihanna quickly returned to her natural habitat

and West Hollywood's Palms nightclub.

# ..at a party Now we're rocking on the dancefloor... #

There, she and fellow singleton Katy Perry were caught on camera

offering each other some girl to girl

or should that be girl on girl support?

Also top of the talk in town is Lady Gaga and Madonna

and the rivalry rumours that just won't go away.

Do they or don't they... get on, that is?

The grand cougar of pop, Madonna, lashed out at young Lady Gaga

saying her music is "reductive", but Gaga has laughed off suggestions of a feud

and insisted Madge is "a wonderful influence".

But when their paths crossed following a New York awards ceremony,

the small talk went straight out the window.

-That trophy's plastic!

-Like the rest of your tits!

-So much for respect!

-Kick her ass, Gaga!

-You bitch!

Oh! Get off of me! Motherfu...

Anyway, that's all from me here in Hollywood.

Back to you guys in London.

Thanks, Lizzie. Now staying on the subject of pop divas, it's Justin Bieber.

The teen heartthrob recently turned 18 and his army of devoted fans marked the occasion

by posting the message "Happy birthday, Justin Bieber" 251,878 times

-within 24 hours.

-Wow.

But the party didn't stop there for Justin as this footage, leaked onto the internet today, reveals.

-# I want a cake on my birthday... #

-Has his UK entourage planned the worst birthday surprise ever?

It looks like someone won't be keeping their job for much longer.

Happy birthday, Justin!

Yikes! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

I'll try to get that image out of my head. On to Prince Harry.

Earlier this year, Harry went solo on his first Royal tour of the Bahamas, Jamaica and Brazil.

Wherever he went, Harry proved to be very popular

and was eager to impress the locals.

I'm really looking forward to the chance to explore and meet more of the people of these islands.

But here's the behind the scenes action that the Palace press office definitely did NOT want you to see.

Her Majesty has asked me to extend her great good wishes to you all

and is sorry that she can't be here. So you're stuck with me.

But don't worry cos every little thing's gonna be all right.

MUSIC: "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze

My father told me about a dance that he once had with a beautiful girl called Pina,

which has stuck in his mind for some reason.

# Let me introduce you to my party people

# In the club... #

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! # God save our gracious Queen... # Daddy!

There they are. One, two, boobies.

Speaking of Harry, our next story comes from Eton College.

I's been teaching the children of the seriously rich for centuries.

Eton was where the heir and the spare prince were taught.

David Cameron, Bear Grylls and ginger heartthrob Damian Lewis.

But could the school be about to get it's Posh-est pupil yet.

We sent Minnie Stevenson, reporter to the stars, to find out.

When you think of Eton, you think of class, you think of old money, you think of the posh.

And now it seems the Becks. No, I'm not kidding.

It seems that the only way is Eton for Essex boy David, who took Victoria and Brooklyn around here.

Understandably, they wanted it to be a little bit low-key, but it seems that just like me and you

these trainee toffs are actually fascinated by the Beckhams.

Having passed his common entrance exam, Brooklyn is now set to enjoy the best education money can buy.

Now we all know that Posh was the poshest member of the Spice Girls,

but even she was not posh enough for these Eton boys.

The Beckhams are from excellent stock, celebrity-wise.

-Have you found them to be nice?

-They were very lovely people, but they're not really...

They're not born into a certain class, the Eton sort. But obviously everyone's welcome here. Well...

-Within reason.

-They're not really in the same sort of class that most people here are born to.

I'm not sure they're going to fit in, maybe. They will be entertaining.

Having fully accepted that their cover was totally blown,

David decided to have a few impromptu kick-ups with the chaps.

He's obviously focused his life on football,

but rugby is a gentleman's sport. Football is a little less... Well, they cry.

Rugby's more of a man's sport.

Is there going to be some kind of initiation ceremony for Brooklyn?

There are many little games! We couldn't say...

-Could you possibly whisper to me what goes down in the showers?

-No!

So there you have it. Another CB News exclusive.

Brooklyn will start here in September. He'd better get a brand-new pencil case.

It does beg the question, which celeb kid will come here next?

Fortunately, the Eton mess didn't put Team Beckham off the school.

Last night their publicist said they absolutely loved it.

Here are your thoughts on the show.

Estella Roxy tweets, "Brooklyn should come to my school."

Jessie J fan says, "Oh, my God! Brooklyn looks hot! #movingtowindsor"

I Love Greggs writes, "Eton? That must be a novelty for Posh!" Clever.

Fashion News: and sticking with Brand Beckham,

that famous Victoria scowl got even scowlier after daughter Harper got knocked off the Best Dressed List

by baby rival Suri Cruise.

Footage passed to us shows the lengths Victoria will go to to keep her kid Top of the Tots.

MUSIC: "Fashion" by Lady Gaga

Talking of rivalry, did you see the recent Britain's Got Talent?

-Yeah, I love it, Sean.

-What's the deal with David and Simon?

They've been getting cosy on the couch together. It could just be good friends in a bromance

or are they actually pushing each other's buzzers for real?

We sent roving reporter Minnie Stevenson to get the full story.

You join me backstage at Britain's Got Talent. This is Simon's room.

This here, David's.

CB News has managed to obtain some secret footage that reveals that Simon has, in fact,

broken down the wall so he can share one harmonious, happy hub with David.

A warning, though. The footage you are about to see is disturbing.

Hi, guys. Hi.

OK, just hold that for me, please.

MUSIC: "I Dreamed A Dream" by Susan Boyle

# Then I was young and unafraid

# And dreams were made and used and wasted

# There was no ransom to be paid

# No song unsung No wine untasted

# But the tigers come at night

# With their voices soft as thunder

# As they tear your hopes apart

# And they turn your dream to shame HOLDS NOTE

# Still I dream he'd come to me

# That we would live the years together

# But there are dreams that cannot be

# And there are storms we cannot weather... #

That's actually very impressive.

# Now life has killed the dream

# I dreamed. #

Wow. So there you have it.

What really goes on behind closed doors at Britain's Got Talent HQ.

I'm sad to say that's almost it from us. There's just enough time for the latest breaking CB News.

Where better to start than Rihanna's bum? Laters.

Simon? Gary. Gary Barlow. Yes. You remember me?

Yes, it is Barlow. You called me fat once. I'm not taking it again.

'You called me fat. You call me that again, it's over.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd