People Just Do Nothing Comedy Feeds

BEATS BEATBOXES

MC SNIPER RAPS GIBBERISH

It's bare fast and that, know what I mean? You lot are used to taking it more relaxed.

Obviously you're a bit older and that.

We're like the younger generation - fast-paced, do you know what I mean?

-Quick.

-Just bosh it out.

-Yeah. You play a tune for, like, five minutes,

-we're like two minutes in - bang - next one.

-Mixing.

-Mix it. Yeah.

There he is. Sniper there.

Sniper. My MC.

-Bit of colour in his face now.

-What's going on, boys?

-See you later, guv.

-It's good to see you and all that.

-What's all this about then?

It's the BBC come to do a documentary about pirate radio.

Yeah, you all right, boys? You all right, yeah?

MC Sniper, Kurupt FM head honcho/general.

I suppose what's special about Sniper is his lyrical capabilities.

Like, he can do fast flow, ragga rap, singing rap.

Like, he's got them all covered. All angles.

HE RAPS INDISTINCTLY

Kurupt FM is, like...

It's more than just a radio station, do you know what I mean?

It's in our blood. It's the lifestyle.

Without Kurupt FM it would be like having no blood. Like, just skin.

What? Is it legal? Of course not, mate, of course not.

They wouldn't let you play that real stuff legitimately,

do you know what I mean?

-How long were you actually in prison?

-Two stretch, yeah.

-So what does that mean?

-Two stretch.

What, ain't you seen films? Two stretch.

Well, it's two weeks.

We had a little operation where we was banging out knocked-off Ralph Lauren T-shirts.

It was good, but the feds came and ruined everything.

Yeah, as per, mate. As per. Dirty filth.

Jail is a minor these days though. It's like an all-inclusive hotel.

Like, gym, TVs, DVD's, porno...

Don't, don't... Listen, don't act like you've been in jail, mate, yeah?

You wouldn't last two seconds in there.

Yeah, but if I did go to jail then I would just keep my head down.

Like, become a Muslim or something.

Do you like them? Muffins? 'Yeah, like...'

He does get into trouble quite a bit,

but, like, it's only silly little things like...

Like fraud or dealing or, like, hate crime.

Just little things like that.

'Well, I was out in the town centre and he was in a van,'

like, with his mates and he shouted at me

and I gave him my number and that was it really.

Like, back then, it was really romantic, like.

Like, he'd buy me clothes and stuff. Cos he didn't like what I wore.

'Michelle.'

She used to be gorgeous when I first met her. She's, like... I love her,

but don't tell her because you tell them

and they're all, "Ah!" Like you're a mug and that, do you know what I mean, like?

But I do love her and that, do you know what I mean? Nearly as much as radio.

Oh, it's good to get back in the car. They ain't even got cars in jails.

What? Why is you moving it back? What, who's been in the front then?

Sorry, I was sitting in there when you were in jail.

Kurupt FM official Jamaican/driver.

He don't say much though, do you?

He's not really one of them loud ones, like.

-No, he's a lot more restrained than your average Rasta.

-I ain't a Rasta.

Course you are, mate. Just cos you ain't got all that hair and that

don't mean you're not proper Jamaican.

Anyway, let's show these boys Kurupt FM.

-This is what we was telling you about.

-Let me show you.

Obviously just an average day with us,

chilling, blazing a little zooty and that.

RADIO PLAYS POP MUSIC Usually have Kurupt FM playing, like,

wait till you lot hear this, like. This is proper music.

RADIO PLAYS EASY LISTENING None of that funky house and dubstep, do you know what I mean?

Strictly jungle drum and bass. That's what 108.9's about. Kurupt.

-I think your radio's wigging out a bit.

-Sort it out.

-I think it's the radio.

-Mate, it ain't the radio, yeah?

-Well, it's not Kurupt, so it's your radio, mate.

-Why are we not on air?

-I don't know, like, it's just...

-You don't know, like?

-What do you mean, like?

-Calm down for a minute, bruv.

Let me call Weapon X. I'll try and sort this out now.

Well, the phone line's working.

What, the phone line's...? All right, how many texts have we had?

I don't know. I can really tell you, like, cos I thought it was quiet cos at Easter...

-Why would Easter be a quiet time?

-I don't know, like.

Cos people are out, like, getting chicken,

chocolate and turkeys and that.

That ain't even Easter, bruv.

Yeah, but... Stranger things have happened though.

-Right, get out the car.

-You serious?

-Get out!

-Sure, like.

-Do you know what I mean though, like?

-Innit, though? Like, am I wrong?

-No.

Do you know what I mean?

Now get back in.

I mean, everyone needs a strong inspirational figure, like.

I mean, you can't lead the blind into water.

I mean, you got leaders, you got Jesus. Mandela. EZ.

Ray Winstone.

Yeah.

Well, this photo we got done at one of those proper, like, professional places.

The idea of the picture is that we're in heaven but, like,

cos we really liked each other then, so it was, sort of, magical,

but, like, the clouds weren't actually there when it was taken.

That's, like, camera trickery they do afterwards kind of thing.

Sorry about the mess. I'm not really one for cleaning or being domestic, really.

Hello, Angel. Hello, Angel.

-All right?

-There's a lot of football and...it's quite a boyish room.

Yeah, that's cos Sniper was convinced that it was going to be a boy.

Like, even when she was born he wasn't sure cos of her short hair and that.

Like, it added to all the confusion.

And, like, we already had the room ready,

so I think Sniper was just a bit angry about the fact that he didn't have a son.

-Right, so there's the mixer there. Amp there, like.

-Yes...

And then this little thing there, like. So yeah.

-It looks like it's running it to me.

-"Yeah, it all looks like..."

What are you talking about? The transmitter light's not on.

Oh, right, yeah. Well, the light's not on, yeah, so if you flip that...

Yeah, the transmitter's not working.

-I'm going to ring Chabuds now.

-Yeah, you ring Chabuds and sort it out.

-Yeah, you shut up and smoke this, yeah?

-All right.

Showing off and that.

What...who's... Who's written this? No si...

-"No shitting in the toilet," like?

-Oh, yeah.

-Is that a joke?

Cos the other day someone done a shit in the toilet, like,

that was so big it looked like an arm.

Steves nearly fainted when he saw it.

I thought it was reaching for me, bruv.

Nah, nah, listen, listen, yeah?

-Don't add rules to radio unless it's in my handwriting, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Chabuds?

My name's Chabuddy G, aka Chabuds, aka The Mayor of Hounslow,

aka the Rig Doctor, aka the Brown Casanova.

You know, I'm not actually a doctor or a mayor,

but if you want those kinds of certificates

I can get you that as part of a 24-month T-Mobile contract

that you will not be able to get out of.

And who's the...?

Oh, this is my beautiful, beautiful wife, Aldona.

-Say hello, darling. Sweetie.

-Sh.

She's a bit shy today,

but normally we have a very, very sexual, intimate relationship.

You know, we, uh...

We pretty much do everything it is possible to do sexually.

Apart from entry.

Hello, Angel. What's that? Shall we show him your picture?

Hold that up for them. We're actually quite a creative family.

Like, Angel does a lot of artwork and this kind of thing

and what else we've done, look - I've made him this.

it's like a massive spliff for him, and it's meant to be,

like, a microphone because of his MCing and stuff,

so, yeah, got him the whole package really.

A little Daddy's "welcome home" party.

HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD

Mm, tonight is impossible, boss.

I've got to deliver 400 crates of energy drink tonight.

That's what I was saying on the phone. It's got to be today, it's my comeback set.

I know, boss, but, you know, the thing is, yeah, I've got to go to Bradford tonight, yeah?

I've got to bloody drive a lorry, which I haven't even done before, yeah?

-It's choc-a-block, mate.

-Easy. Steves can sort it.

-What, that geezer can drive?

-Yeah, yeah. He's a sick driver.

He used to have a moped back in the day that he writ off. Steves?

Yeah, he's just a sort of wiggy, sort of, drug-induced mess. I'd say.

All right, it sounds all right, but it still leaves the issue of payment for Chabuddy G.

Easy. You've got them brand-new Ralph shirts, mate.

They're the ones with the enlarged jockey.

The jockey, yeah, is bigger than the horse, like. Proper.

-Yeah, fresh out of China, mate, hand made.

-All right, I tell you what.

Most people, this job would take two or three days.

I'll do it much quicker than that. How many shirts have you got?

About two or three or something.

No, we got a whole box back at Michelle's.

Shut up and stop negotiating.

End of the day, mate, every minute we're down

we're losing listeners, mate, so this needs to be sorted.

Boss - I completely understand. You're a busy man, I'm a busy man.

I mean, look at this, yeah?

I've got bloody 15 calls on hold right now, yeah?

They all want bloody new contracts.

Some of them have been listening to that banjo Jay Sean

for more than two hours and they all want a bit of Chabuddy G action.

Listen, I'll give you the whole box, yeah, but this needs to be done now.

No problem. No problem.

Aldona? Get my tool box. Aldona?

-Steves?

-Yes, bruv.

-There you go. You're driving out to Bradford.

-Bradford?

-Yeah, Bradford.

Just drive out of here and ask someone on the way, yeah?

-With this?

-There's a load of energy drinks in the back or something.

-Have a couple. All right?

-Sick, sick, sick.

-See you tomorrow.

-All right.

'People say that they do bad things to your head, like,'

that they ruin your mind or whatever,

but anyone who's done pills knows that actually...

..it helps you get a better understanding of life.

MOANING AND GRUNTING

Oh, Beats.

You like pornos, yeah?

I can get you all of that stuff, mate.

Any DVD you want in the whole bloody entire world.

People having sex with cars and animals.

I'm not saying you're into that, I'm not saying I'm into that,

but we're grown men having a chat so let's talk.

Chabuddy rule of thumb - if the dog's tail is wagging,

then technically it's not rape.

Oi-oi! Daddy's back! There they are! There's my girls!

-How are you doing? You all right?

-Yeah, are you all right?

Yeah, all good. Look at you, in your little tracksuit!

-Angel made you a picture.

-What's that?

-She missed you.

Pasta? By the way, I know what you're thinking, yeah?

She is a little bit dark, but, like,

my granddad on my mother's side, I believe,

was quarter Cypriot, innit?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Like, we've all got the olive skin, do you know what I mean?

She's a bit like Decoy, look at him.

'Most people round here don't even have a dad,

'let alone someone that's, like, a well-respected garage MC,'

do you know what I mean? And I'm strong and I'm handsome.

I mean, I've got all the attributes of a father, like, someone to look up to.

You don't even need to be around to be a good parent.

These days, with parenting, less is more. So...

al dente.

Over here. Do you remember those polo shirts I left here a while back?

Oh, I thought you said you were going to stop selling them.

I'm not selling them, am I? I'm using them as an exchange with Chabuds.

Promise me you're not going to get in more trouble.

I can't be a single mum any more. You know that. Look, I can't do the telly without you.

It's been stuck on Dave the whole time, like, I'm missing everything.

Easy, easy. Listen, listen. I'll sort it out. Oi, Decoy?

Go sort out the telly. It's probably the SCART or something. Go on.

What's this? It's a cocktail. It's a cocktail mate.

It's lemon haze and blue cheese.

Yeah. It sort of lifts you up,

but it can also bring you down depending on your vibe.

Chabuds, did you watch that Jason Statham yesterday?

-It's an action movie, yeah?

-Yeah.

I don't watch action movies, mate - my life is an action movie.

Let me show you a move. Let me show you a move. Balls, kick, head butt.

Jokes, jokes, jokes. I've got a move, I've got a move.

Right, say you were a bit Jason Statham-esque.

Come at me, because they normally come... Whoa!

Upper hand, much slower.

Blocked. Bring both hands round. OK, leaving all of this open for me.

Now, with the other hand I'll close that down.

All right, then I'll go up. Seagal, yeah?

Come back, face and neck shot.

I mean, that's good and that. That's more like Hollywood stuff, isn't it?

I'm more of a jungle jujitsu specialist. I'll grab your arm.

-Now you've got two options, yeah?

-Yeah?

You either tap or snap, or I do a reversal Cinderella spin,

-grab your throat, put you down.

-Yeah.

-Now I've got you down,

now you've got another two options. You either tap or nap.

-WHEEZING:

-I'm tapping, I'm tapping!

There's a lot of people try to mug you off and it's better to think like that.

It's better to always be aware, because otherwise you get caught slipping, like.

A man don't get caught slipping in the manor, like. Do you know what I mean?

If you're from the street, like,

you can't be found caught, like, slipping and that, like...

Cos that's it. Ground zero.

Yeah. Delta.

Boys.

What's going on, boys? How's it going? All sorted, yeah?

You can always rely on Chabuddy G, yeah? Always rely on Chabuddy G.

I mean, think about it. How do you think I got here?

I came here in '93 with nothing but £5 and my brother's passport...

My passport. So...

I've just got to plug that in like that.

Give that a go.

Yes. Red light. We're on, we're rolling.

-Nice, nice, nice, nice. Smashed it, brother.

-No problem.

I knew that it was just a little glitch. Like, we are back, do you know what I mean, like?

They can't hold us down, down, down, down.

-Down, down, down, down.

-Down, down, down, down.

No-one can hold us down, do you know what I mean?

Kurupt FM is back, baby!

Um... Is that...?

Yeah, that's all in. The mic's over there.

Well, I'm going to go anyway, yeah? I'll see you lot later, yeah?

Dreams, like, do I have dreams? Dreams can come true.

Gimme the mic and let me check, one-two. Nah, jokes.

Yeah, like, I do have dreams and that.

Course, like, we all dream, do you know what I mean?

Probably like to have a nice yard, like, do you know what I mean?

A big house. Do raves, like, just move the raves, like,

not from just here in Eastbourne and that. Move them abroad.

Like, try and do them in Napa, 'Biza, Kavos, Zante...

Zhurope. Do you know what I mean? Like, expand it.

-Zhurope?

-Eu-rope. Europe.

-Yeah.

-Right, you lot got this on me, yeah?

Right, obviously cut all this bit out, but just get me when I'm bursting in.

Like, trust me, comeback set right now, boys.

I'm hyped right now. Beats?

Beats? Beats? I'm shouting your name.

-What?

-I'm shouting your name. I'm ready.

-Sorry, bruv, I'm just doing the adverts now. I'm ready to go.

-Well, turn the adverts off.

-I'm coming now.

-Yeah, it's ready.

Right, let's do that again. Let's go, yeah? Ready.

-# Get out the way, get out the way Someone's getting got. #

-Bang.

-# Get out the way, get out the way Funky's getting shot. #

-Who?

-# Get out the way, get out of the way Someone's getting got. #

-Yeah.

# Get out the way, get out the way Funky's getting shot. #

-Bang, bang, bang, bang.

-Big up, west side, yeah? I sees ya!

Darling? Do these look a bit small to you?

-What do you think?

-Looks nice.

Actually it's got pretty good definition on my shoulders.

Can you see that?

I look pretty punk. Mm.

Baby, you know I would kill a man with my bare hands for your love.

Jungle jujitsu.

-Coming live and direct inside tonight.

-He shot some people inside.

Yeah. Trust me.

SNIPER RAPS GIBBERISH

BEATS RAPS GIBBERISH

SNIPER RAPS GIBBERISH

BEATS RAPS GIBBERISH

SNIPER RAPS GIBBERISH

BEATS RAPS GIBBERISH

SNIPER RAPS GIBBERISH

# Monday is the day that we roll Tuesday, we take total control

-# Wednesday

-Take back the track

-# Thursday

-Sit back relax

-# Friday

-Put down the M-I-C and go raving... #

'How many people are listening to Kurupt? Thousands, mate, thousands.'

Tell you the truth, I've lost count. I ain't got enough fingers, do you know what I mean?

You're on the bus and people look at you, you look away. I know what they're thinking.

"There's MC Sniper, general of Kurupt FM." Best believe, like.

We are making history tonight.

This is Biggie and Tupac on the same stage, '96.

One nation, '97. Heartless Crew versus Pay As You Go, 2003.

Can you hear Daddy on the radio, Angel?

He's going to sing you to sleep tonight.

We are time travellers tonight. Doctor who? Me.

CAN CLATTERS Make sure you're taping this one

cos this is going to be a road block affair.

It's a slammer, it's a slammer.

Kurupt FM, bigger than...

-RADIO LOSES SIGNAL

-What?

I'm tougher and rougher and bigger than ever before, yeah?

Whatever doesn't kill you can only make me stronger.

We are back. We cannot be stopped. PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Beats? It's Michelle.

-Your radio's not working.

-Yeah. All right, thank you.

All right, bye, bye.

-Was that Chabuds?

-Huh?

-Was that Chabuds?

-Yeah.

-No, it was Shanique from Epsom.

-Epsom? We don't even reach that far.

We do now, cos of the transmitter.

Chabuds, mate, he's smashed it, in't he? What'd I tell you, boys?

Kurupt FM, we are back. Do you know what I mean?

ENGINE REVS

People are always at us, like,

-"Oh, stop signing on. Get a job," all this.

-Blah, blah, blah.

I've got a job, do you know what I mean? Your job's nine to five.

Mine is, like, 24/7...

..seven days a week...

-360, like, whatever days a year it is.

-Yeah.

Official diss tune. Big track. This is the warning.

-# Get out the way, get out the way Someone's getting got. #

-Bang.

-# Get out the way, get out the way Funky's getting shot. #

-Move.

-# Get out the way, get out the way Someone's getting got. #

-Who?

-# Get out the way, get out the way Funky's getting shot. #

-Bang.

Kurupt FM is back, baby!