What a Cracker Comic Relief

SMITHY: I love it!

-Red Nose Day 2011!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This year's Red Nose Day was an absolute cracker!

This is the most successful

Red Nose Day ever!

You raised more than £108 million.

So, we want to say a big thank you

and treat you to some of the best bits of Red Nose Day.

Coming up... Billericay's favourite plumber - Smithy,

Miranda, Peter Kay,

-Alan Partridge...

-See, now he's funny.

Doctor Who, David Walliams,

and so much more.

CUCKOO SOUND

These guys will be finding out how your money's being spent.

-Very nice!

-Yeah.

-It's a packed hamper of goodies.

Don't blink - you might miss something!

Put it down before you get... Argh!

I mean, I have done theatre, you know.

Hello there!

Hello!

ALL: Thank you!

You were so amazingly generous this year,

I want to personally thank as many of you as possible.

-Were you generous this year?

-I was generous.

-Yay!

-Did you give any money to Comic Relief this year?

-Yes.

-Did you donate this year, Willie?

-Oh, yes, I donated.

-Thank you so much.

# Thank you very much...

How are you? Nice to see you.

-How did you donate?

-There's more to come. The box in the office.

-The box... Is this?

-No.

-Wait a minute!

The guy's obviously lying to me!

These people don't work in Subway!

-Did you donate this year?

-I did, yes.

-Yay!

Let me take over for you. Were you going to comb his hair?

# Nothing is so good it lasts eternally

# Perfect situations must go wrong

# But this has never yet prevented me

# Wanting far too much for far too long

# Looking back I could have played it differently

# Won a few more moments Who can tell?

# But it took time to understand the man

# And now at least I know I know him well

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh, so good

-# Wasn't he fine?

-Oh so fine

-# Isn't it madness

-Madness

# He won't be mine

# Didn't I know

# How it would go

# If I knew from the start

# Why am I falling apart?

# Wasn't it good?

# Wasn't he fine?

# Isn't it madness?

# He won't be mine

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

# More security

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well

# It took time to understand him

# I know him so well. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That went well, didn't it?

-It did.

I tell you now, I can't wait to get out of this bra.

-Well hurry up, then. I want a cup of tea.

-All right, keep your hair on.

LAUGHTER

'I'm a man on a mission.

'I'm out to thank you - the Great British public.'

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Shhh.

'The people who work at this office did their bit for Red Nose Day,

'and I'm here to surprise them.'

So, I'm going to walk into this office

and they don't know I'm coming, which I have to say...

It fills me with a little bit of anxiety.

Because I don't know if they'll care.

I did this once before. I went round Great Ormond Street Hospital.

They asked me to do it and I was a little bit embarrassed because I'm not Princess Diana.

And I walked into a hospital room

and there was this 15-year-old coming round from his operation.

I walked in and the parents, they obviously hadn't seen my work,

and they thought I was the doctor. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life

because I said, "So how is he?" And the parents said,

"You tell us. Aren't you the specialist?" I said, "No, I'm a comedian."

They said, "Why have they sent a comedian?" So this is a bit of a worry.

E-Synergy!

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

How are you? Bravo! Look at this, they're all in their stations.

Yes, hello. Well done. Oh, look at you working hard!

Very good, very good. Minimise the porn - I'm coming over!

Very good, nice to meet you.

I'm looking for... I feel like Ant and Dec!

Tim Bunn - where's Tim Bunn?

The Bunn Master!

-Look at Tim Bunn! Hello, Tim Bunn.

-Hello, Michael.

-I'm Michael.

-Nice to meet you.

Well, we're here today from Comic Relief

to thank you for what you did.

We're basically going round, individually,

-everybody who donated money, which is taking a while,

-LAUGHTER

to thank you for the tremendous work.

Did you go out into the streets and raise money in fancy dress?

Yeah, we did. We were all dressed up, we had different themes.

-So who here took part in that?

-Pretty much everyone.

Everybody dressed up, all right. And what did you dress up as?

-Chewbacca.

-Very good. And how did that go, people were generous?

-Yeah, yeah. It was pretty good.

-Who's the boss?

-Patrick.

-Patrick's the boss. Brilliant!

-One of the bosses.

-Does your mum do your hair with her hand and spit?

"Come on, Patrick, it's a big day at work today."

LAUGHTER

"All right, Patrick. Now, remember - you're the man, you're the man!

"You're a tiger, Patrick, all right, darling."

Anyway, very many congratulations. To say thank you from Comic Relief, I'm going to give you some time off.

I'm going to be you and work at your station. An absolute pleasure.

Oh, this is great!

I'm quite nervous about my debut.

PHONE RINGS

The phone is ringing, the phone is ringing.

Tim Bunn!

-This is Tim Bunn's... It's Synen... Senergenic.

-LAUGHTER

Can I take your details, please?

I need a pen!

-Thank you for calling E-Synen... Synerenergy - bye!

-APPLAUSE

What great fun to meet these guys.

They've done a wonderful thing, as have so many of you.

This is proper rubbish, how am I going to sort this mess out?

-What, Africa?

-No! Well, in the long term, yes.

I mean this year's Comic Relief. It really is rubbish at the moment. What are we going to do?

I've just had a no from Blue.

Everything you suggest, the celebrities argue.

It's just "No, no, no, no, no."

We need someone to just tell them what to do.

I think I may know just the man.

MUSIC: "Club Tropicana" by Wham!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hi, is that Smithy?

Who this?

-It's Lenny.

-Who?

Lenny Henry?

-Do I know you?

-Yes - Lenny Henry, from Lenny Henry Live And Unleashed?

-Nah.

-Chef?

-Eh?

-Hope and Glory?

-Nah, I think you got the wrong number.

I'm the bloke from the Premier Inn adverts?

LENNY!

Ha-ha - you should have said! How are you, mate?

Yeah, good. Look, we really need your help with Comic Relief.

-Any chance you could give a hand?

-Ah, I can't.

I'm spending the day with a mate. He's been away for a while.

Please, Smithy.

All right. I'll come in now, but this is the last time.

HE SIGHS

Idiot.

-Who was that, then?

-Comic Relief. They need me to go in now.

But you said we'd pick up my photos.

Yeah, well, we'll get them later.

-So, can I come to Comic Relief, then?

-No.

-Why?

-Because you can't.

-Oh, come on.

Let's be honest. You don't want me to come with youbecause you don't want to be seen with a gay man.

-What?!

-I've seen the way you look at that mate of yours.

What do you call him, "Gavlar"?

-Such a pair of closet bummers, it is ridiculous.

-Um...

Excuse...! Listen, not me...

What you get up to in your spare time is up to you, all right?

Then why can't I come to Comic Relief?

Because you're a joke, George. It's embarrassing.

I can't walk into Comic Relief with you -

Comic Relief's about helping people LIKE you!

LAUGHTER

Don't put your sad face on.

All right. Fine. Be like that.

We'll just listen to some music.

SONG: "I'm Your Man"

Yeah?

You love this one, don't you?

# Call me good, aha

# Call me bad

# Call me anything you want to, baby... #

George!

# And I know, aha,

# That you're sad... #

Come on! # And I know I made you happy

# With the one thing that you never had

BOTH: # Baby

# I'm your man... #

I love it!

BOTH: # Don't you know that?

# Baby

# I'm your man

# You bet!

# If you're gonna do it Do it right - right?

# Do it with me If you're gonna do it

# Do it right - right? Do it with me

# If you're gonna do it Do it right - right?

# Do it with me... #

Right, I'm going in. You wait here, OK?

-Don't go wandering, looking for trouble.

-All right, all right!

-Where am I going to go?

-Be back in a bit. Love you.

Don't be long!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-No presenters...

-If anybody should go, it should be them!

It's a disgrace...

TALKING CONTINUES

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

THEY STOP TALKING

-What's going on in here?

-We're trying to work out who'll do what for Comic Relief.

I've just been told that Tennant and Dee

-have already left for Africa.

-They sized up the committee and went on their own steam.

-Disrespectful bastards.

-OK, Davina.

You may not be live on Channel 4 any more, but please do not swear.

-Sorry.

-Apology accepted.

Look, we need a little bit of order in here.

These events are all about strategy. When we successfully pitched

for the 2012 Olympics, we had a ten-point plan.

Sorry, Lord Coe, why is this relevant?

Because that's how we won the 2012 bid.

-I want to go to Africa.

-Right?

I just want to give back. You know, it's heartbreaking.

These kids live in such abject poverty

that the words "quidditch" and "Hogwarts" mean nothing to them.

-OK, anyone got a problem with Ron going?

-Rupert.

-Whatever.

-Yes but would you go on your own?

-Yes. Why?

-Radcliffe around?

-He's working.

-Emma Watson?

-She's studying.

-Coltrane?

-You're joking!

It would just be good if you could go with someone else from the film.

Otherwise you're just a ginger kid walking around with sunburn.

I'll go with him.

It's not ideal but sure, anyone got any objections to Ron and the albino kid

going to Africa to do the appeal film?

Well, I'd like to go.

I think the work Comic Relief is doing is absolutely amazing

and I've got a bit of time on my hands, so I'd like to do it.

It's really important. I'd love to go.

-Hang on, if he's going then...

-I guess that's different.

-That would be one powerful film.

-That's a great guy.

Yes, Gordon?

Gordon? Gordon? (SNAPS FINGERS) Big dog?

Gordon Brown? We've talked about this before, right?

It's going to be really hot. You know what you get like even under studio lights.

We're talking searing heat.

There'll be little kids jumping all over you, pulling your hair,

you're going to have a radio mic on the whole time.

You go calling a malnourished African a Lester Piggott,

that could do more harm than good.

Maybe you're right, I just shouldn't go.

-I'd love to see him on Let's Dance For Comic Relief though.

-That's a good shout.

I had been thinking of doing a duet with JLS.

-That would be huge.

-Big time.

-THEY MAKE GUNSHOT NOISES

-That's a nice idea.

I've been trying to do something with Tinie Tempah for a while.

OK, you guys, start thinking about a song.

Do you know what I mean, Gordon? I'm thinking... # Everybody in love,

# Go and put your hands up, everybody in love... #

Just put your hands up. # Put your hands up... # (Wait for it)

# Put your hands up...# (Don't take the piss.)

# Everybody in love

# Go put your hands up

# Everybody in love, Go put your hands up

# Everybody in love, go and put your hands up

# If you're in love, put your hands up. #

When we filmed the sketch about who should visit Africa

we had no idea that within a year we'd be lucky enough

to visit this amazing place and see the great work Comic Relief does.

'We're in Uganda and it is an amazing place.

'But we discovered it's not always easy being a kid here.

'There are about 5,000 children

'living on the streets of the capital, Kampala.

'They face daily dangers like street crime, violence and abuse.

'For them, life's really tough.'

'We wanted to see for ourselves how the money you gave is helping

'many of those orphaned and abandoned kids.

'This centre helps children as young as five who've been living on the streets.

'They're fed, sheltered

'and given a given a chance to get their lives back on track

'by going to school, often for the first time.'

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-OK, so my name's Oritse.

-Oritse?

-Oritse.

And if anybody gets this right, I'm going to give them prize myself.

LAUGHTER

-He?

-He!

APPLAUSE

'It's great to be able to meet some of the kids who come here.'

-What's your name?

-Nicholas.

-Nicholas.

-How old are you now?

-13.

-I want to be a singer.

-Go for it.

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow,

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... #

Yeah, that's good.

'Seeing Nicholas look so happy is brilliant

'but you don't have to dig very deep to see the damage done

'by years of living on the streets.'

So how do you get money? How do you get around?

Money, how I get it, I'm just begging.

My mother or my father, they have died.

Sorry.

Ah...

Come here.

CRIES

You're an amazing young man, Nicholas. Amazing.

Nicholas was saying this is like his family here now.

He's lost his mother and father but the people who look after him here -

and the kids - are...they're a big family unit.

And it's fantastic being here today.

This is a place that turns a negative into a major positive.

'The amazing staff here have created a safe haven for these kids'

so they can get an education and a job skill or be a child without fear of someone wanting to hurt them.

WHISTLE

'All this is possible, thanks to the money you gave on Red Nose Day.'

Yo! Yo!

You beautiful, brilliant people at home who have picked up the phone

have already made a massive, huge difference to kids like this.

ALL: Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Your money's not just helping the kids at this project.

'£4 million has been spent on education for Africa's poorest children.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Everyone wanted to take part in Red Nose Day this year.

The night was packed with acts, sketches

and even a Time Lord special.

Dum, dum, dum, dum dum...

MIMICS DOCTOR WHO THEM TUNE

MUSIC

Doctor, what's happened?

Safest spot available.

The TARDIS has materialised inside itself.

-Is that supposed to happen?

-Take a guess.

-No?

-That's the one.

Whoa, what are you doing?

I've absolutely no idea.

OK, that is a bit weird.

-That is actually pretty cool.

-I'm glad you're entertained, Rory!

Now we're stuck here for eternity, at least you won't be bored.

-We're stuck?

-Inside of the TARDIS is now joined to the outside,

worse than a time warp or space loop.

Nothing can enter or leave this ship ever again.

OK, kids. This is where it gets complicated.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh dear. During that Dr Who instalment,

I accidentally dropped a thermo coupling and a studio has appeared inside the studio

here at television Centre. We're now caught in a time and space loop.

Nothing can leave the studio ever again.

This is where it gets complicated.

THEY MIMIC DR WHO THEME TUNE

-All right, thanks.

-Display...

Excuse me, could I have a picture with you too?

but first I need to know who you are.

-I'm Andy Murray.

-I know that but what do you do?

-I play tennis.

-Yes, but what do you do as a job?

-Tennis is my job.

-No, tennis isn't a job.

-Karen.

-Like I play tennis, you go and you book a court for an hour

and what do you do for the rest of the day?

-I practise.

-Could you sign my forehead?

-Karen!

-Are you like that man in the park that coaches children and puts out coats?

-He's Britain's top tennis player.

-Is that good?

-Yes, that's good.

-Well, it's not bad.

-You don't know how to work one of these, do you?

-No, sorry.

-Andy...

-Your mates don't believe it's me, do they?

Do you reckon you could shout "focus" nice and Scottish?

Hang on, are you British or Scottish?

That depends whether I win or not.

OK, sorted. So everyone smile.

-OK, great. So...

-I don't know what happened then.

-You know women tennis players?

-Yes?

-I've heard they're men.

-Karen!

-It's true, like Lady Gaga.

-I've cracked it.

-I heard that too.

-Smile, brilliant.

I bet you get this all the time, don't you?

Not quite like this, no. Thank you, guys.

Actually would you mind if I get one of...?

Excuse me. Could you...? It's very easy to use, cheers.

-Do you fancy a game sometime?

-Well...

I can only do Tuesdays

or I can do Wednesday if I bunk off the behavioural support unit.

-Have you got us all in?

-Seriously, what is your real job?

-Just huddle up.

-Karen, stop bothering him.

Sorry, this will have to be the last one.

Hang on, I haven't shown you my special shot yet. The middle hand.

-You sure it's not the cack hand?

-It's like...

Ben! You nearly hit Andy again.

-Just calm down before you get...

-Ow!

-Look what you've done now!

-I'm so sorry.

It's OK, it's OK.

Oh, look, there is my friend.

Ow...

Good luck in the tournament tomorrow.

He was a bit standoffish, wasn't he?

'Thousands of schools and nurseries all over Britain got involved in Red Nose Day

'and between them raised more than £8 million.'

I've popped into one of them, Sir John Cass Primary in London.

First stop, the staff room to surprise the teachers.

Hello. Teachers!

Hello!

What kind of a meeting is this?!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Oh, wonderful. Hello!

How exciting. What a pleasure.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

I didn't know only one of you is allowed to eat lunch every day.

It's important to open with a yoghurt.

Most people have that as a dessert. Go your own way.

I'm basically here to thank you for raising money for such a wonderful cause

and so many people raised so much money,

over £108 million, which is sensational.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Is Ginella here?

-ALL: Yes!

-Ah, lovely Ginella!

Fabulous. OK, move up.

-Ginella, what is it you teach at the moment?

-Year six.

-Year six.

-How old are they?

-They're 11.

-What do you teach?

-I'm the head teacher.

-No way!

This guy?!

LAUGHTER

I thought HE was the head teacher!

I look forward to the part.

People just switching on might think this is a makeover show,

whereby an hour later we turn this guy,

into this guy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, listen, Ginella, can I just ask you how much you raised this year?

-We raised £2,400.

-That's fantastic, well done.

-And I understand you did a flash mob, is that right?

-We did.

# Reach for the stars

# Climb every mountain higher Reach for the stars... #

As a thank you, I'm not quite sure how this is going to go,

-I'm going to give you some extended time off.

-Oh, thanks.

I might be making a mistake, but I'm going to teach your class, is that all right?

-Definitely.

-The headmaster's going to give you a bit of a foot massage...

-I will do that.

-No problem.

-You would agree?

-My pleasure.

He seems so agreeable.

-And a raise?

-I'm not sure about that.

-OK!

Hello, Harry.

Oh. Hi, Kate.

Er, and the other bloke.

I'm here in a wood.

Sorry, just a minute. Do you mind?

-I'm trying to film Autumn Watch here.

-It's not Autumn.

Well, it is.

Sorry, Kate. I'm here in a wood

Let's see what wildlife we can see.

Up there, look!

It's an Oddie. Yes. And he's in his winter coat.

Mm. Eating the last few leaves.

He'll store that energy for his hibernation, which takes place over the winter months.

Although, occasionally, you hear him doing a voice-over for an advert.

CUCKOO CALL

Oh! And that is the familiar cry of the Alex Jones.

CUCKOO CALL

There she is. She'll be heading back to her nest,

which she shares with a footballer, I think it is.

SHE SCREAMS

The Oddie, of course, will spend much of its time...

CUCKOO!

All right, Alex.

Isn't what you expect, is it?

HE MUMBLES Oh, what was that?

A Clifton.

I don't believe it. Increasingly rare these days, as it's flightless.

It's poorly camouflaged and it's easily found by predators.

There, you see.

The Wanted.

Tom, Matt, Siva, Jay, Nathan.

See how they bring down the ageing Clifton and eat his body.

ROARING SOUND

But look!

Oh, the Olly!

Yes, and he's seen them off and claims their kill as his own.

Well, amazing what you can see outside in the autumn, isn't it, Kate?

Which is your favourite, Harry?

Difficult, isn't it? I like The Wanted, but then I like Olly Murs.

Which is better? There's any one way to find out. Fight!

MUSIC: Theme from Animal Magic

'It's time for my maths class.'

Let me tell you who I am.

-Is this what people do?

-CHILDREN: No!

-No.

-The red one!

The red one.

ALL: Yes.

Can you write on here?

-ALL: No!

-LAUGHTER

What? What are you saying?

-ALL SHOUT

-That one!

-You write on this?

-ALL: Yes.

-No way!

-ALL: Yes!

-You put a pen on this screen?

-ALL: Yes.

-Just do it.

-All right, I will!

-LAUGHTER

My name is Mi...

-Michael!

-LAUGHTER

Now, class, I'm going to teach you something called maths. All right?

LAUGHTER

CHILDREN: You spelled it wrong!

-I spelt what wrong?

-ALL: Maths!

-This isn't English. Get off my back!

LAUGHTER

Can anybody tell me what maths is?

-What is maths?

-You add up numbers, divide it, times it, or you take it away.

That is pretty much maths.

In Kenya, which is a place in Africa, an exercise book costs 60p.

All right?

How many exercise books could you buy in Kenya for £3?

CHILDREN CALL OUT ANSWER

I think it is five. Is it five? It's five.

Well done. Congratulations. Well done.

APPLAUSE

That will be five books for people who so badly need them

and I thank you for helping to contribute to that.

A round of applause for yourselves and keep raising money for Comic Relief!

CHEERING

'Lenny Henry knows how the sums add up. He's been back to Africa

'to see how your money's been making a difference.'

'The last Red Nose Day, Angela Rippon, Reggie Yates, Samantha Womack and I

'spent a week living in Kibera in Nairobi in Kenya.'

'It's one of the biggest slums in Africa and home to a million people.'

'I wanted to experience what life is like for those who have no option but to live here.'

Hello. 'It's where I met 16-year-old Bernard, who is the head of his family,

'struggling to raise his three younger sisters and brother.'

-Hello, how are you?

-I'm fine.

-Is this your family?

-Yes, this is my family.

-OK.

'This family of five lived in squalid conditions, all of them squeezed into a tiny room

'next to the stench of an overflowing communal toilet.'

-Oh!

-This is the house.

-Oh, can you smell it? Oh!

-The smells?

Oh, God.

Bernard's mum died when he was 12

and his father was murdered in the post-election violence of 2007.

He had gone to look how the votes are being counted.

Just go and look.

And that's why he was killed.

HE SOBS

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. It's all right.

It must have been terrible.

BERNARD SOBS

'Seeing these kids struggling to survive in appalling conditions

'with no-one to help them just broke me.'

This is the worst... This is the...

This is the worst I've ever seen.

I've never seen anything like this.

HE SOBS

It's all right.

The time I spent here in Kibera in Kenya

was really life-changing for me. The fantastic news is that,

because of the money you gave on Red Nose Night,

we're in a process of changing lives right here.

In fact, we are busy right here in Kibera, spending £1 million

of your money on all sorts of things.

'It's doing things like helping people start up

'small businesses and building new homes with decent sanitation.

'Having got to know Bernard and his family, and seeing

'how tough life was for them, I was moved to do all I could to help.'

-HE LAUGHS

-Hey, hey, hey!

-This is our new house.

-'I've come back to see how they're getting on.

'They've got a new home, as I did what you did.

'I dipped my hand in my pocket

'because I couldn't bear to see the way they were living.'

Look at that. Lovely light coming down. Get in there with your big bucket of water.

# We've got a shower

# We've got a shower We've got a shower, la, la, la. #

Oh, my goodness!

I love what you've done with the place!

'OK, it's basic.

'But it's a heck of a lot better than what they had before.'

Much better.

In there, yeah. It is a conducive environment.

I like that. "It's a conducive environment."

-It is a conducive environment for learning!

-Yeah!

'And that's not all.

'This is where things get even more brilliant.

'Bernard and lots of kids in Kibera

'are now going to school supported by the money you gave.

'This will make all the difference. Housing, sanitation

'and schooling are all improving here, thanks to your money.'

Do you still want to be an engineer?

-Yeah, that is what I still stick on.

-So, what subjects are you doing?

OK, I'm doing physics. OK, for now I'm doing all of them, both of them,

physics, biology, English, Kiswahili.

-So you're doing seven subjects?

-11 subjects, not seven.

11!? Where's the rest of them?

History, geography, chemistry, and then biology. I'm forgetting.

-Biology. There's one more missing.

-Yeah, there is one more.

Maths I've counted.

This is amazing. So, there you have it.

Bernard's life has changed and it's all down to you.

Thank you, thank you and once again, thank you.

-Yeah, thank you.

-You didn't have to say that. That was my...

That was my job!

'Bernard's family isn't the only one getting help.

'The money you gave is being spent improving housing

'and sanitation in Africa's urban slums.'

MICHAEL McINTYRE: All over Britain,

people took part in stunts and challenges to raise money.

And a host of famous faces strutted their stuff

for Let's Dance for Comic Relief.

Russell Kay was Bootylicious.

MUSIC: "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce

And Katie Price strangely attractive.

MUSIC: "I Want to Break Free" by Queen

MUSIC: Puttin' On The Ritz

But they were floored by James Thornton and Charlie Baker's toe-tappin' tramps.

APPLAUSE

It wasn't just on television that money was raised for Red Nose Day.

Radio 1's Chris Moyles did something extraordinary.

-He hosted a 52 hour long radio show.

-I'm smiling.

-AS BRIAN COX:

-You've been on the air for 10,000 trillion years.

-Feels like it.

-Ready?

-Boom!

-Wow!

I've got a red nose over my Davina McCall's.

It's Lily Allen!

You're doing this for all the right reasons.

This is the most awkward thing I've ever done in my entire life.

Yeah! Why not!?

-Absolutely unbelievable.

-Congratulations. What an epic effort there.

Congratulations to Chris, to Comedy Dave, the whole team at Radio 1

who raised a staggering £2.6 million for Comic Relief.

CHEERING

January 2011, and Comic Relief have challenged

the cast of The Inbetweeners to visit

50 of the rudest place names in the country

in just 50 hours.

Rude place number 26, I believe.

They're being sponsored £500 for every location they visit.

-We don't deserve a penny if we don't do all 50.

-'Travelling in their trusty Fiat featured in the series,

'they're risking life and limb...'

-Oh, don't let go!

-..in a race against time.

To the car! TYRES SCREECH

Argh.

-There it is, Nelson's Column. Shall we do it?

-Let's do it.

-Yeah. Oh, sorry.

-It's a film. Do you want to make a run for it?

-Done it.

-It's the bloody pigs!

Cumming Street.

Do your walk.

Pratt Walk.

-It's a regular walk.

-It's a pratt walk.

-It's a normal walk.

The clock is ticking. How long left now?

One hour, five minutes.

Helmet Row.

There they are!

-Yes!

-Good. Let's go.

-It's the next left once you're on this road.

-And that's Cock Lane?

-That's Cock Lane.

-And we've got one minute?

-Come on!

CHEERING

We've done it! We've done it.

APPLAUSE

Cock Lane.

CHEERING

-That's it. That's it.

-We do need a bit of love, actually.

-We need to know how many we've done.

-52. You've surpassed it, boys.

-All right!

-We've done it!

-CHEERING

MUSIC: "Alright! by Supergrass

So, despite that car being absolutely disgusting inside,

the boys completed the challenge by visiting 52 rude place names

and raising £52,000 all in the name of Comic Relief.

Well done, boys. For once, I am actually proud of you.

40% of the money you raised is being spent in the UK

on projects helping the young and old.

There are 750,000 people in Britain affected by dementia.

Ruth Jones knows just how important a support network can be.

APPLAUSE

Earlier this year, I met Ron who looked after Gladys.

Gladys had Alzheimer's.

Another bite.

He was absolutely brilliant with her. It wasn't easy for him.

Gladys and Ron's story really touched me.

We are all going to get old, aren't we? Oh, gosh.

And I just hope that I would be lucky enough to be looked after,

if it did happen to me, in the way that Gladys is looked after by Ron.

Sadly, just three months after filming, Gladys died.

Ron's been struggling with the loss and loneliness since then,

but one real lifeline for him has been a brandnew drop-in cafe,

supported by Comic Relief, for people affected by Alzheimer's and dementia.

# The weather here has been as nice as it can be... #

Ron doesn't know I'm here today.

I'm really keen to see how he's getting on.

-Hello.

-Hello, Ruth.

-How are you?

-Lovely to see you.

-Lovely to see you.

I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a loved one.

-I mustn't talk about it.

-Aw.

-It's awful.

-Yeah.

-But I think it'll get better.

Because I'm feeling better now about it. You know? I'm feeling better.

Before, I just couldn't mention her name, to be quite honest.

-And you looked after her so beautifully.

-Thank you.

You were a wonderful husband to her.

I hoped I was. Anyway, she's in peace now.

Yeah.

-Do you come here a lot?

-Yes, I do. I came here from when it began.

It's something I look forward to.

If you can get one thing a day to look forward to, it's quite good, really.

Oh.

Give yourselves some space to breathe for singing.

This is just one of thousands of projects Comic Relief is helping in the UK.

THEY SING: # You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

# You make me happy

# When skies are grey

# You never noticed

# How much I loved you... #

Your money is helping Ron and others like him to keep going

and to realise they're not on their own.

Thank you so much.

# ..Always. #

Ron isn't the only one supported by the money you raised.

£1.5 million has been spent on vulnerable older people in the UK.

MUSIC: "Boogie Wonderland" by Earth, Wind and Fire

Welcome to Miranda's Pineapple dance studios.

'Since artistic director Louis Spence left Pineapple

'the baton has been passed to dance giantess Miranda.

'Past reviews for her musical theatre roles include:

'Meet multi-talented dance teacher Penny.

'Penny trained at the Bath School of dance

'where she spent several summers under Lionel Blair.'

Such fun, such fun.

FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Lady Ga-gaa, feel the beat. Lady Ga-gaa, dress of meat.

Five, six, 78.

# I want to hold them like they do instinctively... #

'A well-known tiny little boy band with their new manager Louis Spence

are coming to rehearse their live performance on Comic Relief night.

We're meant to have dancers to audition for them.

-You must have got the wrong day.

-He's here.

Hello, darling.

-Mwah.

-Mwah.

'Miranda and Louis have always been rivals.

'The first time Louis took Miranda to the West End it was a turning point

'in that he turned gay.'

You...look...fabulous.

Here's my boys.

Boys, in you come, quick as you can. Quick as you can, boys.

Look at them!

-You must be KFC.

-JLS.

-JLS, what does that stand for?

Just left school?

-Such fun.

-Ignore her. Hi, I'm Miranda.

-Aston.

-Marvin.

-I drive a Honda.

-JB.

-No, GTS.

-No, JLS.

-Really confused. And you are?

-Oritse.

-He won't say.

-Listen, boys, how's the new album coming on?

Yeah, good, we're thinking about working with Kanye West.

-The guy that does the salmon?

-No, that's John West.

She has always been so square. Where are the dancers?

Stevie actually thought you were coming tomorrow

so there are no dancers.

-Nada. Rhianna dancers.

-No, I'm on it. I'm all over it like a "rawsh".

Ola, I'm the new JLS PR.

FYI. LOL.

Oh, to the M, to the G. I mean "ROFL", seriously.

BLEEPING

Oh, sorry. Bear with, bear with...

Oh, it's Robbie. Ugh. Right, OK, sorry, fab.

Listen, we need dancers, right?

We all know that Comic Relief is a huge night.

Wah! Oh, God, sorry, can you not get so close.

Oh, Sweetie, are you all right? Do you want to go outside and play?

Do you want a biscuit? Are you OK?

And you don't need to tell me that Comic Relief is a big TV night.

It's the night comedians ruin their careers.

We found some dancers in the building and we reckon we could pull it off.

'JLS reckon think they can pull it off, but how?'

-But how?

-But how?

-But how?

-But how?

# Go on, put your head aside, feeling sleepy tonight, say yeah,

# Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

# New lo-o-o-o-ove... #

Still to come: A host of comedy greats in Upstairs Downton.

The Masterchef girls cook for the Prime Minister.

LAUGHTER

Alan Partridge...

..and Smithy reveals who gets the Africa gig.

# Tonight I'm sleeping

# Sleeping with my eyes wide shut. #

Hi. How are you? 'This school in London raised more than £2,000 for Red Nose Day

'and I'm here to thank as many of them as I can.'

HE SQUEALS

Look at how civilised this is - lunch! It's like they're having a meeting!

'Everyone got involved, kids, teachers and even the dinner ladies

'and I want to show my appreciation.'

-Hello. Alison?

-Yes.

-Hello. Have a little rest.

-Are you going to do service?

-Yeah, I'll do service.

You can put my hat on.

I get the feeling these are for decoration!

-Hello. Have you booked? Would you like a pepper?

-Please can I have fish fingers?

-You certainly can.

Thank you for coming to school lunch.

Did it?!

Do you know what Comic Relief is?

-ALL: Yes.

-What is it?

-Raise money for the poor people.

-That's absolutely right.

-Did you all know that? ALL: Yes.

-Are you a comedy man?

-I am a comedy man.

Can I just talk to you a little bit about that table over there?

They're incredibly well behaved. Are they part of some kind of experiment?

-Seriously.

-They don't know who you are.

They only listen to Radio 4!

Earlier this year Dermot O'Leary, Olly Murs, Lorraine Kelly and Craig David

took part in a challenge to trek across an African desert.

Along with Nadia Sawalha, Kara Tointon, Ronnie Ancona,

Peter White and Scott Mills, they braved searing heat

and sore feet to walk 100 kilometres of Kenya's most inhospitable terrain.

I just don't think I can go any further.

It was tough going, but they did it and raised more than £1.5 million to fund sight projects in Africa.

Dermot went to see one of them in action in Kibera.

MAKES LOUD SPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT:

You just mumbled that last bit! REPEATS PHRASE

Are you sure you've given me the right translation? Is that right?

Do you understand that? Is my Swahili OK?

-Yes!

-Ah!

'By 8:30, there's already a massive queue for the clinic.

'Most of the people here have eye problems caused by allergies and infections.'

What's struck me is the fact that, for the most part, a lot of these ailments are relatively simple,

but it's what they escalate to. HE SPEAKS SWAHILI

This chap has been blacking out, he has difficulty seeing, gets dizzy.

This guy here, extraordinarily, had a problem about three years ago

and thought, "I have another eye, it won't matter."

Some of kids are the most upsetting, because you can just see in their eyes the pain that this causes.

-'But, there's hope.'

-L. N.

-N.

-P.

'The money you've given has helped Comic Relief fund mobile eye clinics like this.

'They reach people in remote communities and have a big impact on the lives of those they treat.'

'Your money will help treat two million people across Africa over the next two years.

'You're giving people back their sight, and that is brilliant.'

It's been an incredible day. I really enjoyed it.

It's simple cause and effect - money goes in, and there's an end product.

Your money makes someone see - it's as simple as that.

'A staggering 150,000 people can now see again, thanks to the money you raised this Red Nose Day.'

Thank you.

When Take That held auditions for a tribute band to represent them, the search wasn't easy.

# I was built to be magnificent

# And they checked my pulse and it gave them hope

# That there was no truth to what was wrote

# Give me half as much... #

'I spoke to David Walliams about how much fun he had doing that sketch.'

-You played Howard Donald.

-Catherine Tate was Jason Orange,

Alan Carr was Mark Owen.

And it was really hard with the two of them to see who was who.

-I can imagine.

-They're virtually identical, aren't they?!

And John Bishop was Robbie Williams.

-I was overlooked for the role of Barlow. That went to...

-James Corden.

-The wonderful James Corden.

-I do quite a good Barlow.

-Let's see it.

IMITATES PHONE RINGING

LISPS: Hello, Howard from Take That speaking!

-AS GARY BARLOW:

-Hello, Howard, it's Gary Barlow, also of Take That.

I've just had a phone call from... Comic Relief.

THEY LAUGH

They want us to have a fake Take That!

No thank you, Gary,

because that David Walliams might do me and make me look stupid!

The thing is, you know, I feel guilty because that's just great fun.

Because it was all five of Take That back together,

I felt like I was with the Beatles.

It's one thing to meet one or two of them,

but to meet them all at once,

all dressed up as Take That, was incredible.

Allow me to introduce Carter, the butler.

HE BURPS

-Mrs Danvers, the housekeeper.

-Ma'am.

-O'Brien.

-Eurgh!

Thomas, the evil footman.

Oh, hello, gorgeous!

Housemaid.

Undermaid.

Overmaid.

Teasmaid. Milkmaid.

-Lovely.

-Home-maid.

Yes, it's me, the Knitted Character!

Maid in China. She's not here at the moment, obviously.

And finally, mermaid.

Oh, and my man, Bates.

-Don't I know you from Lark Pies to Cranchesterford?

-Aye, ma'am.

-Same character?

-I've added a bit of a limp this time, ma'am.

Jolly good. Carry on.

One of the continuity problems we have here is that we shoot

all the "upstairs" bits here at Highclere Castle

and all the "downstairs" bits in a studio in Ealing,

about 60 miles away.

So...

I go down here...

..and back again.

Ah, there you are, Carter. We'd like some more tea.

Of course, Lady Grantham.

THEY CHATTER

Tea, tea! They want more tea!

I'm trying to help, but I just can't reach!

I can't reach! Oh!

SILENCE

CLOCK TICKS

SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Cake, sir?

You put it in your mouth...and chew.

I know how to eat cake, thank you.

What a lovely lounge. MUSIC STOPS

I mean drawing room, obviously. MUSIC RESUMES

Clouds over Somalia, but no rain...

The United Nations estimates that 12 million people

are at risk of starving to death in the Horn of Africa...

A new generation across the border.

Another mother building another shelter

in this no man's land of hopelessness.

Sometimes, the need for the money you gave couldn't be more urgent.

This year, East Africa was hit by a massive drought,

affecting more than 12 million people.

The famine that followed has plunged the region into crisis,

and hundreds of thousands of people

have been forced to leave their homes.

Habiba had no food for her children.

They were suffering from malnutrition.

Her youngest, Ali, was seriously underweight.

The family was in desperate need of help.

Thanks to your incredible generosity this Red Nose Day, help was there.

£1 million of your money helped set up emergency feeding stations

across the region.

The good news is that Ali was able to get water,

food and vital medical help - just like thousands of others.

# We've got open arms

# For open hearts... #

Your money really does save lives.

# Like yours, my boy,

# Come home again

# Everyone's here

# The moon wants a scrap or a cuddle

# The moon is face down in a puddle

-# And everyone's here.

-#

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I met up with James Corden, whose character, Smithy,

has become a legend of British comedy.

And the Comic Relief team.

-Look, we really need your help. Any chance you could give us a hand?

-All right. I'll come in now,

but this is the last time.

When I see the stuff you've done for Comic Relief,

I'm so in awe of what you've managed to achieve.

Dame Kelly Holmes. Kelly, you've got two gold medals,

but essentially your job is just running around.

LAUGHTER

57, take one.

I grew up in a house where Comic Relief was, like,

the best night of the year.

THEY HUM "ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES" THEME

Going to school in your pyjamas

and the noses on the cars and all the things like that, I just always

remember thinking, "God, I would love to do something for Comic Relief."

MUSIC: "I'm Your Man" by Wham!

Yeah? You love this one, don't you?

I really wanted some music in the sketch. I think it's really important. So, I just...

I couldn't get this image of Smithy and George Michael

in matching tracksuits, singing "I'm Your Man"...

It just stayed in my head and I just thought, "This could be so funny."

# Call me good, uh-huh!

# Call me bad

# Call me anything you want to, baby... #

The one that everyone said, "Look, guys,

"this might be a bridge too far," was Gordon Brown.

Well, I'd like to go.

I think the work that Comic Relief is doing is absolutely amazing.

We wanted someone in the sketch that you would never expect,

that you had never seen in anything else.

We just felt that a former prime minister...

and if we could get Gordon Brown,

it would just bring the sketch such gravitas.

And he was the only person who learned all his lines - he was brilliant.

There's always moments in these sketches where I go to Ben, the director, "Have we got it?" "Yeah."

So we know we've got it. And then I just went...

"Guys, why don't you all do a fist pump?"

If you throw it in like that, it doesn't give anyone a chance to...

You must have had to explain that to Gordon Brown?

So, I go, "Gordon, just lift your fist like that and then just do what they do."

-That way.

-This way, hold on.

It's like that, and then they both touch you at the same time.

That is golden right there.

For an exclusive behind-the-scenes show about the Smithy sketch, press the red button.

But not before you watch part two.

# Everybody in love Put your hands up

# If you're... # Wait for it.

# Put your hands up... #

All right, don't take the piss.

Well, I might as well say my piece.

I think it would be a fantastic opportunity to go to Africa.

It's a once in a lifetime experience. I'd be thrilled to go.

Right, that's great. Honestly, it's brilliant.

And some people will want to see the bloke out of The Vicar of Dibley

wandering round Kenya, yeah?

But what everybody wants to see is Trigger,

Del Boy, Rodney, Raquel, Cassandra, yeah?

-The Jolly Boys' Outing.

-Boycie giving it, "Marlene!"

"This time next year, you'll be millionaires." They won't. You'll be giving out mange-tout.

"You plonker!"

-"Play it cool, Trig."

-"You dipstick!"

You love that! Boosh, boosh, boosh!

THEY HUM "ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES" THEME

Everyone!

# Why do only fools and horses work? #

THEY LAUGH

So, what do you think?

No.

Oh.

That's a bit weird.

Rio, what about you?

I'd love to go. I mean, I feel I should.

I'm from the same rough background as these kids.

I understand their plight. But it's up to you guys.

I don't know if I could pull it off.

But if you think I could do it, then, yeah.

He's got over 300,000 people following him on Twitter.

-He's a popular guy.

-He's a businessman, got his own clothing line.

-Got his own magazine, too.

He is good friends with David Beckham, who, of course, I worked very closely with

-when we delivered the Olympic Games.

-Definite potential.

Maybe you should.

Maybe I should!? What do you take me for?

I've won the Champions League, the Premier League a few times. I was being humble.

Of course I should go!

-Keep your pants on, Rio!

-Anybody in favour of Rio?

One, two, three, four, five...

-He can't go.

-What?

He can't cry on camera.

Of course I can. I can.

You can't. You know you can't.

-And if you can't cry, you can't go.

-She's got a point.

Everybody knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film.

-I can cry! I'm telling you, I can cry.

-Go on, then.

-We will need to see it.

-Got to see those tears, my man.

OK. All right.

HE GROANS

HE SQUEALS

I used to be able to do this, man.

-Pathetic.

-Awful.

Told you.

Sorry, buddy. Just wasn't meant to be.

All right, so who is going?

-I'll go.

-If she's going, I'm going.

-I'll definitely be there.

-Count me in. Very happy to go.

-I'm up for it, too.

-Yeah. Of course you are.

To know I've helped just one child somewhere in the world

makes it worthwhile.

Good point. I believe that children are the future.

Whitney Houston.

All those in favour of Keira, say "aye".

-She can't go.

-Why?

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're too good-looking.

Right? You'll be out there in a little white vest, sun on your back,

sweat dripping down. People won't be looking at the starving African you're holding in your arms.

It'll be, "Cor, look at him, the lucky bastard! Hands all over her!"

-Hadn't thought of that.

-If you're too good-looking, you can't go. JLS, sorry - includes you.

You're out. Dermot, you're borderline.

I did tell you. In the 2012 meetings, we had a lot more order than this.

Will you shut up about 2012? I know it might come as a shock to you,

but some things aren't about the Olympics.

LAUGHTER

-Tom, do you ever wear any clothes?

-LAUGHTER

This is ridiculous. You know what? If anyone should go, it should be me.

Yeah, sure, I'm not some big celebrity.

I'm just a plumber. A handyman from Billericay.

But that - that's exactly why I should go.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC

I've got skills. I can actually help.

I can go out there, drill some wells, put up a few shacks,

install their Sky+. It's what I do, it's why I'm here.

I can help those less fortunate than ourselves.

And as I stand before you now... PIANO MUSIC BUILDS

LAUGHTER

Thanks, man.

-CHOKED VOICE: I love you, Smithy.

-LAUGHTER

I say, "I'm Smithy,

"and I'm going to Africa."

HE EXHALES

-That's great.

-Big time.

Biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard.

PIANO MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY What!?

-You can't go.

-Why? Cos I'm not famous?

No. Because you're a bloater.

People don't like tubbies in Africa.

You know the argument - if they'd eaten less food themselves, no-one would be starving.

-It's a fair point.

-Hear hear.

-I hate tubbies.

I've kept quiet, I've heard what people have had to say,

but you all know that the only person around this table

who can go is me.

I was in the biggest rock 'n' roll band in the history of music.

That's a bit disrespectful -

-in front of JLS.

-LAUGHTER

Smithy, it's...

I've had a longer career than all of you put together.

My music has touched millions of people round the world

and I am the last remaining Beatle.

-What about me!?

-I'm one of the last remaining Beatles.

-HE SIGHS

-My God...

Anybody disagree?

Well, that's decided.

Nice one, Sir Macca.

You're doing this year's appeal film in Africa. Fair play.

Right, is there anything else? Cos I got a mate waiting in the car.

Good. Meeting adjourned.

-Fancy a pint?

-Of course, bro. Let's bounce.

LAUGHTER

-How did it go?

-Sir Macca's doing the appeal film,

Gordon Brown's rapping with JLS, Justin Bieber was on the keys.

-I think that's a good day's work.

-Not as good as this.

MUSIC: "I'm Your Man" by Wham!

# Do-do-do!

# Woah, woah, woah! #

I love the early ones!

# Do-do do-do do... #

I love in-jokes!

Blue Peter's Helen Skelton was someone who did visit Africa -

to see how your money's being spent.

-ALL:

-Kushe!

That's hello from Sierra Leone in West Africa.

I am here to say thank you for getting involved

with this year's Red Nose Day campaign.

Whatever you did, it's greatly appreciated.

So, Alan Crockett, well done for managing to stay silent all day.

He raised over £86.

And Kelly Osbourne - not that Kelly Osbourne, this one's in Kent -

and she dressed up in '70s clothing all day

and raised over £400. I did my bit as well, didn't I?

THEY SHOUT

In February, I took on a Comic Relief challenge.

I walked a tightrope between two towers of Battersea Power Station - more than 200 feet above the ground -

and raised more than £250,000 doing it.

SHE SCREAMS

That was the hard bit but this is the good bit.

I've come to a hospital where I'm going to let a project know

that they will be receiving a grant.

They're going to get over £300,000 because of the money that you raised on Red Nose Day.

That money means that fewer children under the age of five will die of preventable diseases.

The hospital doesn't know about the grant.

It's going to be a fantastic surprise for them.

And the need couldn't be greater here.

Sierra Leone has the highest infant mortality rate in the world.

And this children's hospital is stretched to breaking point.

He was admitted on 1st July for fever, diarrhoea and vomiting.

Dr Ish is a paediatrician and looks after many of the children

who come into this hospital

but there's just not enough equipment and not enough doctors.

She's seriously ill but I can see behind you another baby.

Is this normal, sharing the beds?

Oh, OK, so we have two babies on this bed because of the space.

We don't have enough space, enough beds.

Every day, children are admitted suffering from conditions

like malaria and diarrhoea.

So this is Ward 3.

Conditions which are perfectly treatable but which can prove fatal here.

On this ward, there's one doctor responsible for all these patients.

Can you say that if you had more doctors and nurses,

more children's lives would be saved?

Sure. Sure.

We'd save more lives.

You applied for a Comic Relief grant

and I get to be the bearer of some good news.

You are going to get the money from Comic Relief

so you'll get funding for the next few years.

I don't know what to say! Thank you very much!

Let's hug it out!

Thank you!

Your money will help this hospital look after

even more really sick children.

That's brilliant!

I can't tell you how good it feels to be the bearer of such good news

but I can tell you that it's down to you.

It's down to the money you raised and the effort you put in,

so thank you very, very much.

This isn't the only hospital being supported by the money you've raised.

£6 million is being spent on children's healthcare in Africa.

RADIO JINGLE: North Norfolk Digital

It's time to get serious because Comic Relief isn't just about the fun things that we all love,

like Chris Moyle's doing a guest appearance on Two Packets Of Crisps And A Pint Of Lager.

It's also about serious things, like Davina McCall holding the hand

of an African boy whilst crouching down and saying a phone number.

It's very, very solemn.

With that in mind, Simon,

if you could give us some facts about Africa.

RECORDED JINGLE: Fact attack!

LOADING GUN AND GUNSHOT

LOADING GUN AND GUNSHOT

LOADING GUN AND GUNSHOT

LOADING GUN AND GUNSHOT

Fact number one, every year in Africa starvation kills X children.

What?

You've not filled this in. I told you to fill in the blank.

I thought you'd filled it in. I thought the X was Roman numerals.

What? You think every year in sub-Saharan Africa

ten children die of starvation?

It's more than that, in't it?

Do you think Richard Curtis would get out of bed for ten dead kids?

Fact number two. Aids...

We're going to have to do the comedy. Let's just...

Er... Go and find where our special celebrity guest is.

Go on. See if he's here.

Time now for a very special comedy guest.

God, these... Really pinches.

I wore these back in 2001.

Ow.

Erm, it's none other than Abu Hamza,

the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand!

-Hello, Abu!

-Hello, Alan!

What have you been doing for Comic Relief?

I sat in a bath of beans.

Right. Come on, mate. Everyone's been doing that.

You've got to be more original.

With a golden retriever.

No... Don't do that. Just... Improv.

Are you all right?

You hit my back.

A... Ab... What are you doing these days, Abu?

I've been in Belmarsh Prison

awaiting extradition proceedings to the US.

That's not funny. This is Comic Relief, for Christ's sakes.

Sorry.

Not you, him. You've got enough on your plate.

Beans!

LAUGHTER

You see, now, he's funny!

Ow, nose.

Oh God. Jesus... Ah, shit.

There must've been a reservoir building up in there. Ah, Jesus.

Ladies and gentlemen, Abu Hamza,

the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand!

Death to the West!

Karl, what do you make of Comic Relief night itself? Do you watch?

Does it make you laugh?

I just feel like it goes on too long.

You know, they keep saying, "This is the figure we're after, let's beat last year's."

No, let's not.

Let's not beat last year's cos next year, you'll want even more.