Thanks a Billion! Comic Relief

I'm Lenny Henry. And I'm back at the London Palladium

to revisit the very place where Comic Relief

hosted the biggest comedy extravaganza of 2015

and was the setting for a historic announcement.

-WOMAN:

-Hello, Comic Relief 2015!

LENNY: London Palladium, make some noise!

-MAN:

-Bond! James Bond!

-WOMAN:

-Winner of the People's Strictly.

30 years of Comic Relief.

How are the balls of your feet? LAUGHTER

Oh, they've seen better days, my friend.

And I think tonight could be the best Red Nose night ever.

CHEERING

And here's your first incredible host,

the King of Comic Relief, Lenworth Henry!

CHEERING

Year after year, you the great British public pull out all the stops

and help raise an incredible amount of money.

And once again you absolutely smashed it,

because now I can reveal that the total raised

is a whopping...

..for Red Nose Day 2015!

And thanks to your generosity and continuing support over the last 30 years,

Comic Relief have raised a staggering amount.

So this year, we're saying Thanks A Billion!

CHEERING

Coming up in the next hour, I travel back to Uganda

to catch up with some old friends to see how your money

is dramatically changing people's lives for the better.

Plus, we revisit comedy from the Lord's favourite The Vicar Of Dibley.

-What could possibly go wrong?

-And everyone's favourite - Mr Bean.

We go Behind The Bond and we find out

who has what it takes to be a National Treasure.

Is this going to take much longer?

It's just I've got a hair commercial to film.

Plus, there's more Comic Relief from Phoenix Nights, Little Britain...

-I am not deaf!

-Be nice, Stevie.

..Dermot O'Leary and David Walliams.

-This is really fantastic entertainment, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

Sit back and enjoy the show.

We will not be asking you for money this time, just enjoy the laughs

and see some of the brilliant work that's being done with your cash.

In fact, let's have a quick look now.

-Excuse me, how much is it to Uganda?

-Oh, You must be joking, mate.

No, no. I promise you, I'll give you a big tip. Let's go!

Are you sure you're going to be all right, Vicar?

Absolutely, it's an ice bucket challenge.

What could possibly go wrong?

-Yes, yes. Jim I'm a bit puzzled.

-SQUEAKING

-What's that squeaking?

-Oh, no, no, no. That'll be the mice.

-What mice?

-The mice in the bucket.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, right.

Right, are you ready, Rev?

Yep. Go for it.

-Oh, hang on.

-RINGTONE PLAYS MY SWEET LORD

Vicar of Dibley, girl of God speaking.

Hello, I'm calling from Lambeth Palace

on behalf of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

As you know, the Church of England has accepted

the concept of female bishops

and I have been authorised to ask

if you would consider taking on that role?

Yes!

Yes, I damn well would!

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, my actual God!

But before we get into this,

there are two very important things to say.

One, please, do not utter a word of this to a soul.

Guess who's going to be a woman bishop?

Oh, is it John Bishop's wife?

-No...I am!

-Hurrah!

-CHEERING

I am!

And two, we will of course be asking several other female vicars

to take part in what promises to be a highly competitive selection process.

-SHE GASPS

-Will you do us the great honour

of coming to the palace at 11am on the 17th?

Of course! I'd be delighted to.

Bless you.

And it's so... Oh, no, you've gone. OK.

Bring on the bucket, Jim!

SHE SCREAMS

It's been just over a year since I first came to Iylowa,

a remote village in Eastern Uganda.

I was visiting a health centre

that many referred to as the worst clinic in the country,

but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see.

I knew something had to be done.

It was an ambitious mission, but in January

I called in a bunch of mates to work alongside the local community

to help transform this run-down, dilapidated excuse for a clinic

into a brand-new health centre serving a community of over 20,000 people.

But now we're going back.

And it's been working as a functioning medical centre for a few months now.

It'll be a real testament to the work of everyone that got involved.

It looks fantastic! Look at that!

Gosh! This is completely different to when we first came here.

It's just brilliant. It's got a gate.

The gardens look fantastic and it's so beautiful now.

People look happy to be here.

I'm really, really chuffed and excited.

I'm welling up, it's all..

LENNY LAUGHS

When I first met Dorothy, she was delivering babies in a rat-infested, smelly, damp room with no light.

And Francis the head clinician

had come here on a temporary placement

and couldn't believe how desperate the conditions were.

-How are you?

-Not too bad.

-Hug it out, Dorothy. Hug it out.

-Hello!

-Glad to see you.

-Glad to see you too.

-You're welcome.

-This is brilliant.

-Sure.

-Are you pleased?

We are very pleased.

Welcome to Iyolwa. The new Iyolwa.

This is our waiting area.

Because of the new equipment and the building,

-plus the staffing ratios, we're able to see so many patients on a monthly basis.

-Uh-huh.

Deliveries have increased, even immunisation.

You couldn't do immunisation when I was here, cos there was no materials.

-We could do...

-You didn't have a fridge, do you remember?

-We have fridges, we can keep our vaccines.

-Uh-huh.

So we really immunise so many babies on a monthly basis.

-Oh! So are you happy?

-Very happy.

-Great.

-So there's someone who would love to take you around.

-OK.

-LENNY LAUGHS

-Lenny!

-It's Gonza!

Gonza was the project leader who rose to the challenge

and in just two months turned a crumbling clinic into a brand spanking new health facility.

-We can do it. We can do it.

-Yes!

-GONZA LAUGHS

-Oh, man!

I've come to see everybody and to look at the place.

And it's...it's looking great. Is it holding up all right?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, it was quite a challenge, Lenny, I tell you.

-It was, wasn't it?

-Oh! Whoo! But I'm glad it turned out like this.

I'd like to be shown around, I'd like a cup of tea and a muffin.

-I'll show you round.

-BOTH: Maternity ward!

-Look at this.

-Well, this is...

-Look at this!

-This is a massive change, isn't it?

Remember, there was no glass in the windows, there was nowhere to wash.

No. It was actually just this small.

-You had all the beds crammed and all the beds were broken.

-That's right.

-Look at this.

-People didn't want to come in here because they felt unsafe.

You didn't call it a clinic, Lenny, it was just a place you went if you were really...

-Like a bus stop?

-If you had no option.

-There was a kind of fear, cos nobody wanted to come here and be here at night.

-Yeah, that's right.

But there was also a sense of a weird thing of defeat, you know,

"Here we are in this place with rats and mice and bats."

And, you know, here was something that was broken down and derelict before and now look at it.

I just can't believe the way it's turned out, Lenny.

It's just...marvellous!

BABY CRIES

Every time you build one of these, you can change a community.

And I hope that this really sets a benchmark

for other facilities such as this.

Well, this...this can serve as best practice, right?

Yeah, yeah. I'm actually hoping the other way round,

-I hope it can be the minimum standard.

-This is the minimum you should do.

-The new minimum.

-This is the new minimum.

-I think you're right.

-Yeah, yeah.

Here's a little groover who's going to tell us what's next.

Dance, baby, dance!

Here's Dermot!

I've always wanted to say this to you, Dermot.

-CHEERING

-Here are your best bits.

-Here they come.

This is going to be your home for the next 24 hours.

MUSIC: What Kind Of Man by Florence And The Machine

# To let me dangle at a cruel angle

# Oh, my feet don't touch the floor... #

I want to know, can you actually dance?

# Sometimes you're half in and then you're half out... #

Just being able to go like this for a little while is kind of nice.

# What kind of man looks like you? #

This is what I like to call at home my 2am-6am look.

It's dancing, doing good.

I'm going to cry! I'm going to cry!

# Oh, mercy, I implore... #

-Why have you stopped dancing?

-LAUGHTER

-Can I just dance in the back of the weather while you do it?

-You can.

-KIDS CHANT:

-Dermot! Dermot!

-No!

-APPLAUSE

You're mad, you know? You're mad.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

So, I can reveal that your day of dance has raised...

CHEERING

CHEERING

Britain, Britain, Britain.

Today, carer Lou Todd

is taking his friend on a tour of Cambridge University.

I've been banned from punting on that river nude,

which is what I am now.

# Ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby, baby

# Push it, push it real good. #

Oh, look, there's some ducks!

You like ducks, don't you?

What noise do ducks make?

I am late for my lecture on the origins of the universe.

No, they don't say that, they say - Quack-quack!

Can you say quack-quack?

I am a university professor.

Oh, then you should know what ducks say.

Right, now we'll have a nice look around, then I'll get you home,

get your tea on, and if you're very good, Stevie,

-you can watch Peppa Pig.

-Don't like it.

I thought you loved Peppa Pig?

You always said, it was an astute critique

of contemporary family life in porcine form.

Yeah, I know.

LAUGHTER

Good afternoon, Lou.

And is this your new friend?

-This is Stevie.

-Hello there!

-I am not deaf.

-Be nice, Stevie.

Why is she dressed like a penguin?

No, that is very rude.

Don't worry, nothing could spoil this beautiful day.

-The sun in the sky, the wind in the trees, the song of the birds.

-BIRDSONG

-Astounding to think the Lord created all this in just seven days.

-Hmm.

Incorrect. It took 13.8 billion years.

Let's not get bogged down in all that again.

-The universe was created by a big bang.

-Oh, I don't think so!

And after an initial expansion, the universe cooled.

He can go on like this all day.

-Next, he'll be claiming he wrote a book.

-It's all in my book, A Brief History Of Time.

Yes, yes, the famous book!

-He tells a lot of fibs.

-Oh, that's very sad.

Yes, he claims there's been a film made of his life,

that he's been in The Simpsons.

Yesterday, he even said he's been in an advert with the Go Compare man.

As if he's met the Go Compare man.

He keeps saying he wants to find that one theory that explains the existence of the universe?

-I want that one.

-Yes, so you keep saying!

Hmm. it sounds like he's not all there.

Right, that's it.

Professor Stephen Hawking Bot - Transform!

WHIRRING

INTEL INSIDE JINGLE

LAUGHTER

WHIRRING

Oh!

Computer says - Die!

Slow down! I've got a stitch!

Stevie!

WHIRRING

You don't have to watch Peppa Pig!

Ha...ha...ha.

As the sun sets on Little Britain,

I wish you all a very goodbye.

It's a new day here at the clinic and I'm here to meet up with Francis.

Dorothy said the other day that this is a model centre. Do you feel that?

She didn't lie. Iyolwa in Tororo, Eastern Uganda,

this is the best Health Centre III.

That's fantastic! Come on, my friend.

It's so organised, it must feel so much more advanced than it was.

Yeah, sure, cos with such a facility you need to be on top of your game,

otherwise everything will go crumbling.

See you later, OK?

-You seem to be the Don here.

-I'm really very happy.

-LENNY LAUGHS

I'm very happy with the whole, you know, with the whole organisation.

I'm very happy with the new building.

But it's not just that, you've changed.

-Sure, that's what people say, but erm...

-You've changed!

-I'm still the same.

-You've changed.

-I remember when we first came here.

-I love that.

-I love figures.

-Francis had the biggest wall of data I've ever seen.

-This is our vision.

-LENNY READS ALOUD

-And I think we're almost there.

-LAUGHTER

I think that's brilliant!

This is basically our pharmacy.

And people feel like they can come here now?

Every month we have improved figures,

more deliveries, more babies immunised,

-more mothers coming for family planning services.

-You're loving this.

-Yeah.

Well, you're certainly doing well today. This is a lot of people.

So, basically, this is the last batch of patients.

You've got a little queue, you've got a bench, people sitting around on the grass.

-It's a nice area now, right? It's a nice place to be.

-Yeah, very clean. Very clean, very clean.

-They're having computer lessons.

-Something that you're going to love - PowerPoint.

I see you with a pointer.

-LAUGHTER WOMAN:

-Is it OK?

-So I just want to just say thank you.

-You're welcome.

-And thank you to the British public for helping.

-We appreciate.

-And er...I'm just going to do some television stuff now.

-It's OK.

Coming up next, we find out who is the real national treasure.

Be there!

-How was that?

-Perfect.

LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY PLAYS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

So, is this your first time?

Oh, no, I've actually been trying to become a national treasure for years.

Oh, really? Why, what is it you do?

I write books.

No way! So do I.

-How many have you done?

-About 17.

-Is that all? I've done about 52.

-LAUGHTER

-Mind you, I don't even know what they were about.

-MAN: Next!

Take a seat.

May I just say, it's a real honour to be here in front of you,

-esteemed members of the panel.

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

-We can't abide grovelling.

-Sorry.

-Or apologising.

-So, Mr Williams...

-Er, it's Walliams.

Williams. Why do you think you should become a national treasure?

-Well, as you probably know, I'm a comedian.

-Really?!

I've seen you on television many times, I had absolutely no idea.

Yes, I actually did a very popular comedy show called Little Britain.

Oh, yeah, I remember that from when I was a kid.

he funny bald guy. Do you remember? ALL LAUGH

-He's hilarious!

-He's very funny.

I don't remember you, though.

But the real reason I'm here today

is because I swam the Thames for Sport Relief.

Yes, about that, Mr Williams,

I spoke to the charity, they said they never received the cheque.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, I...I had an envelope

and I was out of stamps, so I...

I'll just go.

BELL

Cheryl...

how do you fancy your chances today?

I'm just really excited to have made it this far, you know?

It's always been a massive dream of mine

and I just would hate for the journey to end here today.

Cheryl, we've made a decision.

The standard this year has been...it's been the best ever

and in any other year we would just put you straight through.

-Oh, gosh! Sorry, it's hard, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

I know you don't...want your journey to end,

but, I'm really sorry, it's not good news.

No?

It is great news!

We're sending you home...

to call your nan...

who will burst into tears...of joy...

and sadness, when you tell her,

you have-n't not

failed to not...

Is this going to take much longer?

It's just I've got a hair commercial to film.

-Well, we're going to have to go back to the beginning now.

-Next!

So here we are in this vestibule of trinkets adorned with glamour,

glitz and gold where you ordain who

can join the national treasure status. Don't you think that we're just fortifying

the idea of an establishment?

Aren't we already lost in this materialistic, individualistic

narrative in which the deification of individual personalities

over us as a community, as a group,

means that we can never have any kind of true equality?

Don't you think the real treasure is humanity as a whole?

-Does he want to be in or not?

-I've no idea.

-So is that a "yes"?

-Yeah, and I'll give you a free copy of me book.

-BELL

-Two free copies?

Well, we have to make somebody a national treasure today,

otherwise the Big Man'll be furious.

It's just so hard to find anyone as wonderful as us.

-Are you sure?

-Oh, absolutely.

-HE LAUGHS

-If you knew what I knew.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Last year when I visited the clinic, I witnessed the appalling conditions

in which mothers were expected to give birth.

There was no running water, no light and no sterilised equipment,

but they had one ray of hope and that was Dorothy.

-Here's Catherine.

-1.8, now she's 2.7. That's a very big change.

-That's a huge change.

-A very big change.

Harriet and Catherine were born at seven months,

but because of this incubator, which costs about £500, that you paid for,

we were able to bring them to full incubation. Thank you so much.

Dorothy, you said before that people were a bit worried about this place,

which meant that it felt like they were worried about you.

That's changed as well, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has changed, cos they were not worried about me

because they knew I would give them the services they need,

but their worry was that I lacked what to use.

So there's no sense of people

being scared to come here any more is there?

No, there's no sense of them getting scared,

because everything I need like in the examination room, it's there.

Antenatal clinic, it's there.

My delivery suite is equipped.

So, really, it has made us now love work and it has simplified the work.

-Because there's a system in place?

-Because everything is in place.

Dorothy holds a weekly clinic for mums-to-be in her new office,

and a few nervous dads pop along too.

You have to feed your woman well.

That's now your obligation. You are the head of the family,

you make sure that before you bite, she's the first person to bite.

Because now she's carrying your baby, she's feeding two people.

This is Helen's new baby called Vicky, after a member of the Comic Relief crew,

and she's 11 hours old.

And because of the money you raised last year for Red Nose Day,

we've got a bed and a family area and a place

where Helen and her family can sit and eat and share

and...bring this lovely little baby into the world.

So thank you very, very much if you did anything for Comic Relief.

This is what... This is what it means and this is what happens.

-This stuff works. Thank you.

-Yes. Welcome.

What was great about that session was that Dorothy was very much in control of her environment.

She had everything she needed

and you could tell that people felt comfortable in that space.

Even the husbands, who tend to look a bit grumpy, cos they don't know what they're doing here.

But what was brilliant was Dorothy

was able to exercise her control over it.

And she's got everything she needs, she's got her purple book with the pictorial stuff in it, you know.

This is... A lot of people can't read,

so what's great is if it's all in pictures,

they can see different stages of pregnancy and different problems that might occur.

She's got all the basic equipment that she needs.

I loved it when she told the husband off, that was great. "Feed your...

"Feed your woman first, she must eat first, you second."

HE LAUGHS

And he was sat there going, "OK, Dorothy. OK, I will!"

LAUGHTER

ORGAN STRIKES UP

LAUGHTER

Could I, erm...come in?

LAUGHTER

BEAN SIGHS

LAUGHTER

BEAN MAKES GLUGGING NOISE

LAUGHTER

BEAN SIGHS

BEAN TRUMPETS LOUDLY

TRUMPETING CONTINUES

BEAN TRUMPETS RHYTHMICALLY

LAUGHTER

BEAN TRUMPETS

LAUGHTER

(Why? Why?!)

LAUGHTER

(I'd better go up.)

LAUGHTER

BEAN SIGHS

GASPING LAUGHTER

Since Red Nose Day, your money has been hard at work

and has already funded over 1,000 projects across the UK.

In fact, right now, the chances are you are less than 30 miles away

from a Comic Relief-funded project, which really is an amazing thing -

to think that your money is changing lives right here, right now.

You are helping people living with dementia to find the support they need.

I love it here. I feel loved.

Very much loved.

You're giving vulnerable young people the chance to have a

brighter future.

I've had a second chance here and I'm very grateful

and I'm using it wisely.

You're helping ex-servicemen

and women who've had traumatic experiences to rebuild their lives.

This place has saved my life.

Erm, I was rock bottom feeling very low

and now I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

You're giving children who care for members of their family

the chance to live their own lives too.

With your problems, cos they'd understand, cos they're in the same situation.

And as we all know, Christmas can be an expensive time of year,

especially for families struggling to make ends meet.

Your money is helping them with food banks and debt advice.

My only option left was the food bank.

It meant so much, I was... I was so emotional.

I was happy but I was crying, same as now.

Just thank God that it was there.

And that's just some of the kinds of work that your money is doing

to improve people's lives.

Now, since Comic Relief started in 1985, it's helped

over 50 million people right here in the UK

and in some of the world's poorest countries.

All those people can't thank you in person, so on behalf of them -

thank you, thank you, thank you!

Here we go! Welcome to Manchester Arena, ladies and gentlemen!

Won't be long now.

Just you wait. Things I'm going to do to you.

LAUGHTER

Look. I'm not moving, am I!

Argh, argh! Get me down!

Can you hear me now?

# Them hood girls, them good girls, straight masterpieces

# Stylin', wilin' Livin it up... #

We didn't have to have it here!

I said we could have this fundraiser at the Phoenix Club.

Have it here, they said. They wanted me to have big names.

I thought we don't need big names, we can do it ourselves.

I've got regulars at the club that could pull this off.

They're all entertainers in their own minds.

# Don't believe me, just watch Come on!

# If you don't believe me, just watch

# Uptown funk you up, uptown funk you up... #

Get off it in the wrong bit?

# Uptown funk you up. #

You all right?

# Don't forget your black bin bags

# They're on offer till December

# They're your heavy-duty black bin bags

# They're long and black and slender... #

Dreadful! Where's Ray? Ray? Raymond, where are you?

# Pump up the volume, pump up the volume

# Pump up the volume... #

# The circle of life

# It's the wheel of fortune... #

Just so you know, all the money raised is going to a very worthy cause.

Finally going to put Africa on the map.

Going to open a club out there - Phoenix Club, Africa Branch.

We're going to go out there and we're going to give them

something they've never had and that's five-star adult cabaret.

# The circle of life... #

Let's see you all clapping. Come on, it's Comic Relief!

LAUGHTER

INAUDIBLE

LAUGHTER

# The circle of life... #

Thank you very much everybody!

You've raised a total of £5,031,146 and 47p.

Yes! Goodnight, thank you!

'While the circle of life continues in Uganda,

'we're putting in a call to Radio One DJ Greg James.'

Hey, Greg. How are you?

-Lenny?

-Hello, Greg!

Gonza, how are you?

I'm also around.

Joseph, how are you?

'Joseph is a local school teacher

'and worked as a builder alongside Radio One's Greg James.'

I'm fine! How are you huh?

There's a bit of an issue here, Greg,

because you know you did the work on the roof and you did some

painting and you built a cornerstone of the whole thing.

'Thing is, Joseph's got an issue with you.'

One of the house fall down. How did you build it? Hello.

Look, guys, I warned you that I wasn't the best at building but...

Women are practically giving birth outside because of you.

The British public have invested their hearts and minds

and hard-earned cash to help rebuild this centre

and change this community's life forever

and you've basically done the reverse of what we asked you to do.

Oh, no! No! This is not what I wanted to hear.

Greg, the reverse of all of that is true, Greg.

What's fantastic is that all of the work that everybody here, everybody

from Comic Relief, all the builders from the local community, all the

stuff that the British people gave money for, it's really worked, Greg.

You'd be so chuffed if you were here.

So the people at home who are listening to this should know

that it's erm, it's a fantastic thing they've done.

I can't believe it. I'm so chuffed to hear that it's going so well.

The money that's invested by everybody that's given to charity

has done a great deal of good and that's down to everybody listening

to the show and watching the show, Greg, and thank you for giving your

time and thanks to everybody who's given their time for Comic Relief. So you were a big part of that.

-Thank you so much for the bit of painting that you did.

-Thank you, Greg.

And for laying and for laying the three bricks you laid.

Thank you so much, Greg. We love you!

-Thanks a lot. Love Iyolwa. Goodbye. Goodbye.

-Goodbye!

Play us a record. Play us a record!

We've managed to put together what we think is the greatest

One Direction tribute band of all time.

Yes, we've given them some tips and we think they're pitch-perfect

and fully primed for their first gig.

Please welcome to the stage everybody - No Direction!

-# Maybe it's the way she walks

-Aaw!

# Straight into my heart and stole it

# Through the door and past the guards

# Just like she already owned it

# I said, "Can you give it back to me?"

# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams!"

# And we danced all night

# To the best song ever

# We knew every line

# Now I can't remember

# How it goes but I know

# That I won't forget her

# Cos we danced all night

# To the best song ever!

# I think it went oh! oh! oh! I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!

# I think it goes oohhhhh!

-# Said her name was Georgia Rose

-Aaw!

# And her daddy was a dentist

# Said I had a dirty mouth

# I got a dirty mouth

# But she kissed me like she meant it

# I said, "Can I take you home with me?"

# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams!"

# And we danced all night

# To the best song ever

# We knew every line

# Now I can't remember

# How it goes but I know

# That I won't forget her

# Cos we danced all night

# To the best song ever!

# I think it went oh! oh! oh! I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!

# I think it goes oohhhhh!

# You know, I know, you know

# I'll remember you

# And I know, you know, I know

# You'll remember me

# You know, I know, you know

# I'll remember you

# And I know, you know, I hope

# You remember how we danced

# How we danced

# One, two, one, two, three, four!

# How we danced all night

# To the best song ever

# We knew every line

# Now I can't remember

# How it goes but I know

# That I won't forget her

# Cos we danced all night

# To the best song ever!

# I think it went oh! oh! oh!

# I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!

# I think it goes oohhhhh!

# It was the best song ever

# It was the best song ever

-# It was the best song ever.

-#

'It's 10.30 at night and I've come back to the clinic because Dorothy

'is preparing to safely deliver a little baby into the world.'

This is fantastic. They've got lights.

# Yes, I do, I believe

# That one day I will be, where I was

# Right there, right next to you

# And it's hard, the days just seem so dark

# The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you

# Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?

# No words can explain the way I'm missing you

# The night, this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside

# These tears, they tell their own story

# You told me not to cry

# When you were gone

# But the feeling's overwhelming

# It's much too strong

# Can I lay by your side

# Next to you, you... #

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Is it OK for me to come in and say hello?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-How's it going?

-It's fine.

Is she OK?

She's OK.

How are you feeling? Dorothy, how is this for you?

It's so great, because I'm able to see what I'm doing clearly.

Dorothy used to have to walk across the yard in the dark with her

phone torch on, and then come in here, then people would arrive

and then in the dark, she'd bring them to a tiny room.

And then she'd have no equipment, and she'd basically do

all of this care and then deliver a baby in the dark with her

phone in her mouth or with a kerosene torch, maybe one candle.

-Enough light.

-Mhm.

Enough equipment, so mothers are free,

cos they know they're in a safe place and in safe hands.

I mean, you were a legend before but now you can be like a super legend because you've got light.

-Yeah. Just...

-So you're tired.

I'm not tired.

It's not like I have to run to get water from the other buckets,

everything is set.

And we always keep saying thanks, thanks,

thanks for the good work done to us. You've really saved us.

We were almost hating our professions

but you brought our love back to our jobs.

Now we like work.

We love our professions.

We love the facility. We love being in Iyolwa.

It's fantastic. I'm really happy for you.

-Dorothy, I'll see you later, OK?

-All right.

-Thank you for letting me be in here. Thank you, Rose.

-OK.

-Have a good birth. See you later. Bye.

-OK.

The thing, is the first time I came here this would have been

impossible, because we sat in the dark with all those boxes

and old magazines, and bat poo falling on your head and wasps,

hornets and things and rats running over your feet.

I keep saying it but it's really important to remind

ourselves of what it was like when we first came here last year.

I mean, it was only last October or something.

You know, now it's secure, you feel safe. If an expectant mum

pulls up now, she will not turn away because she's not scared to come in.

She'll come in because of the lights, it's a welcoming beacon

of hope in this tiny community and that's all down to you.

Dorothy reckons there's at least four hours to go with this

pregnancy, so we're going to be here for the duration.

In the meantime, enjoy this.

ANIMAL SQUEALS

That's a goat.

BELL

-Name, please.

-Terry. Terry Henry.

He's a footballer. I thought his name was Thierry?

I thought he was French.

Well, we can't let the French in. Absolutely not.

Ah, geez, I'm a Cockerney.

Up the apples and stairs.

I'm definitely picking up an accent.

Shut it, you slag! Get outta my pub!

Mr Henry, you're certainly one of the stronger applicants we've seen today.

You're a footballing legend, you're very handsome

and you have a touch of the erm...

Va va voom.

Gotcha! Ah - see what you did.

-Hello!

-It's a no.

-To me?

-To you.

-To me?

-To you.

-Ah, to you.

-No, it's to you.

-No, it's to you, Barry.

-It's not to me, is it?

-It's not to me!

Love it, don't you?

Sorry, I'm a big fan of sophisticated humour.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, no, it's the big man!

Hello, sir?

Right, Fry, your time is up.

-Who have you made a national treasure?

-Nobody, sir.

Why are you stopping? Come on, carry on. Chop-chop.

We have to let one new person in every year.

-How many, Fry?

-One, sir.

-And at what calendar interval?

-Annually, sir.

And what happened the last time we refused to let someone in?

You head-butted me, sir. In the knee.

Yes, I jumped up and head-butted you in the knee.

So do as I say!

As I was explaining on the golf course to my producer,

it is very, very important.

-He's gone off on one of his stories.

-Shall I put the kettle on?

-I'll pop to the petrol station, get some milk.

-Oh, no, no he's back.

And so, Fry, the next person through that door and I don't care who

they are, you damn well make them a national treasure!

-B-but sir!

-The next person!

Sir.

You can't go in there! Sir, sir!

Good god, no!

Evening.

HE SOBS

LAUGHTER

# You've got to roll with it You've got to take your time... #

David is going to be attempting the Guinness World Record

title for most kisses received in 30 seconds.

The kisses must be planted firmly on his face. Yeah.

And only one person can kiss him at a time.

-At a time, so David, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

-OK. Kissers are you ready?

-KISSERS: Ready! Yeah!

OK. Audience are you ready?

APPLAUSE

The time for talking's over. I am assuming the position.

I have to hold David's head. Over to you, Fortuna.

Three, two, one - go!

CHEERING

Go, go, go! Quicker! Ten seconds!

Quick! Quick!

Five, four, three, two, one.

Stop!

Oh, my god!

Well done, team. Was it good enough?

Let's just have a quick look here.

This is really fantastic entertainment, isn't it, for people?

-OK, we're actually going to find out if you set a new world record.

-OK.

-I'm quite excited.

-Yeah.

Well, you're going to be in the book. Anna, the result, please?

Mr Walliams, you needed at least 50 kisses to achieve

a Guinness World Records title.

Unfortunately, I did have to disqualify three,

but you achieved 55!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow!

-All that practice.

Last time I came to Kenya, I came to this dump site in Nairobi,

where we met a family - a grandmother

and her granddaughter, both called Margaret.

Young Margaret had never lived anywhere else.

What's the best thing you've ever found?

THEY SPEAK THEIR OWN LANGUAGE

-Rice.

-Rice?

Rice?

That's the best thing you've ever found?

And you're ten.

You're 72?

My mother's the same age.

Your mother - 72?

Thank you very much.

You've got another mother.

I'm got a second mother. You're my African mother.

-Yes.

-Great, that'll do me!

That affected me and I know it affected many of you at home,

but thanks to your help, their life has now changed beyond compare

and I've come back to find out how.

Young Margaret has been away at a boarding school and I met up

with her before heading off to find her grandmother in her new home.

What's the best thing about going to school?

Uh-huh. Yes.

Your grandmother has a new house. Shall we go and see your grandma?

Today, Margaret will see her new home for the first time.

Their new home is amazing and even has a small shop,

so that there's enough money to live on.

Hello! Ah! Hello!

-Ah, look at you!

-Hello, yes, I look good too.

-You look brilliant!

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, I see!

-Well, yeah.

So what, what do you sell?

That was credit, is that for a phone?

Credit, yes.

Carphone Warehouse going on.

'The difference between where they were then

'and where they are now is incredible.'

This is a very, very, very important photograph.

Mmm.

Cos this is your last ever day on the dump site.

I see.

-Keep that to know it will never happen again.

-OK.

No more. I'm happy.

Thank you very much.

-No more.

-No more.

You two deserve a better life and a better chance.

And, erm, I'm just so glad that we're able to help.

'The day that I first met the Margarets on the dump site,

'I came back here,'

there was a lot of tears of sadness and sorrow

and I've got to be honest, I was one of the ones who was shedding them.

But today's different, we've come back to the same site.

They've got a new house, they've got new hope

and there was some tears today, but they're tears of joy.

And they're tears of optimism.

You've changed the sadness into joy and you changed the sorrow

and the loss into hope.

That's what your donations do. That's how you change lives.

APPLAUSE

SHOOTING

'Bond, James Bond. The most iconic character in movie history.

'The latest actor to take on the role is Daniel Craig,

'but there's something about Daniel that his billions of fans

'around the world don't know.

'To find out what, we've come to the set of 007's latest film, Spectre.

'It's time to go... Behind The Bond.'

Within seconds of meeting Daniel, it was absolutely obvious why

he had to play 007.

He's got this incredibly powerful screen presence.

For me, Daniel is the perfect James Bond.

Daniel was born to play Bond. Apart from the thing...

When he talks, Daniel sounds...

very distinctive.

Which is a great gift for any actor.

It's just not the voice you'd think of when you think of James Bond.

So apparently when Casino Royale was first shown to a test audience,

there was one significant issue and that is that and I quote here,

"Daniel sounded like a little girl."

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-I don't sound like a little girl,

I sound like a big manly man,

which is what I am.

I have some original footage here from Casino Royale,

Daniel's first Bond film.

This is what he actually sounded like on the day.

-GIRL'S VOICE:

-The name's Bond, James Bond.

The Bond films are renowned for their action sequences.

The problem is, in those moments Daniel likes to improvise.

-Go ahead. I'm going to lose them.

-Can you get into a better position?

Negative, there's no time.

-GIRL'S VOICE:

-Oh, he bit me!

Take the shot.

Get off me, you cow!

I said take the shot.

I can't, I may hit Bond.

Take the bloody shot!

Aaaaaaargh!

It can make the romantic scenes quite tricky as you can probably imagine.

In Skyfall, Naomie Harris found it quite a challenge.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-I didn't order anything. Not even you.

I have got some new information.

'What Naomie Harris has been at pains to conceal is

'the fact that she too is over dubbed.'

-BROAD ENGLISH ACCENT:

-It were proper tough.

I see him top off and I think,

"Ooh, I'll have a bit of that!"

But then he opened his gob and it put me right off any rumpy-pumpy.

You can tell that Naomie Harris, she sounds like a trucker.

It's not actually that unusual for an actor's voice to be dubbed.

I mean, my voice today is provided by Paddington Bear.

Not a lot of people realise that Daniel is not the first Bond

we've had to revoice.

To us, Mr Bond. We are the best.

-AS SARAH MILLICAN:

-There's a useful four-letter word,

and you're full of it. If you're asking me, I think

the one-liners work better in me proper voice.

Like in that James Bond 'fillum'. The Spy What Loved Us. Ha!

And I'm copping off with this, this reet fit lass in a rubber dinghy.

Then, like this, this old fella's like,

"Eee, James Bond, what do you think you're doing?"

And I says... Now, now, now, get ready for this cos it's a funny,

funny bit.

I says, "I'm keeping the British end up!"

Like.

Ha, ha. That Roger Moore has a very silly voice.

So who does provide Daniel Craig's voice in the Bond films?

When they told me I thought, "Of course!"

You only have to close your eyes and, well, you can hear it's him.

The person who provides the voice is one of the finest

actors of his generation.

The word versatile doesn't come close...

Very versatile.

Yeah, that's much better.

Probably should have just said that.

This is a world exclusive.

We are going to finally reveal the true voice of James Bond.

The name's Bond, James Bond.

Licensed to kill.

What's that, love? Still too butch?

Leave it with me, Toots.

If they don't let me use my real voice in the next film.

I'll scream and scream and scream until I'm sick!

Enjoy the movie.

Right, I'm off to do some colouring in.

Back in Uganda, Gonza's set his sights on his next big role.

The name is Bond, James Bond.

2015 has been extraordinary.

Earlier this year Ebola was claiming thousands of lives

and leaving thousands of orphans in its wake.

Because of your generosity, we were able to support the most

vulnerable people where they needed us most.

Your cash paid for food, for quarantined people, as well as

supporting Medecins Sans Frontieres to do their crucial life-saving work.

And the great news is, it looks like the affected

countries are emerging from the epidemic.

Then the earthquake in Nepal, which killed over 9,000 people

and injured many more.

Your cash paid for emergency support and is still helping with recovery.

Comic Relief have been supporting refugees for many years,

both here in the UK and overseas.

But this year saw a refugee crisis that reached a shocking level,

in the Middle East, Europe and other parts of the world.

You will be helping to make sure water, sanitation,

education and care is provided for some of the most vulnerable,

traumatised families who have fled violence and abuse.

As usual, your money has been crucial in helping people

all across Africa - whether that's educating some of the most

marginalised children, supporting those living with HIV,

providing teacher training, getting young people employment or

helping farmers get a fair price for their produce.

You are, quite simply, amazing. We salute you. Be proud.

You've saved and changed so many lives this year. Thank you.

Overnight, Rose gave birth to a healthy little girl in the new

clinic, but my trip wouldn't be complete without popping over

to say hello to two other special little chaps.

Twins were born when I was last here nine months ago.

-Hi.

-I haven't seen you for months!

-Where's Lenny and Henry?

-Yeah, it's Lenny.

This is Henry!

-Henry's the serious one.

-Yeah, that's Henry.

Did you not tell him I was coming? Lenny and Henry!

This is the funniest thing!

-Aw.

-Smile a bit.

-Smile a bit!

-Smile.

SHE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

-They're handsome boys.

-Yes.

Just like their godfather.

Exactly like their godfather.

I'll be sad to leave Uganda, but it's been incredible seeing

the transformation of the clinic and its staff.

Just over a year ago, light switches

and running water seemed like an unrealistic dream.

As patients shared the derelict clinic with bats,

rats and rain water.

And here we are nine months later, and look at it.

Iyolwa Health Centre served 13,000 patients in that time,

500 babies have been birthed here

and 600 children have been immunised and the staff are motivated.

We've just been in a computer class, they're having computer lessons,

they're learning how to use Word and playing Candy Crush, I imagine.

They're learning how to make the system work better.

Francis is all over. Francis is a changed man. He's a changed man!

He was frustrated but he's changed.

Dorothy is so happy to have the right facilities, she can

actually look after these mums, she's got doplers, she got forceps,

she's got a bed, she's got the light with the Star Trek thing in it.

It's an amazing change.

It's an amazing transformation and it's all in a very short space

of time and it's all because of you - all the hard work you've done.

You should be really, really chuffed,

cos I am... I'm really proud and you should be proud too.

Thank you so much.

Thank you to everyone whose given over the years.

To the red nose wearers, the multiple texters, the mile

runners, the bakers, the selfie makers, the baked bean bathers,

the project workers, the writers, the comedians, the programme makers,

the kissers, the record breakers, the streakers, the naked milers, the

stonkers, the strictly come dancers, the car washers, the fancy dressers,

the swimmers, the cyclists, the rowers, the sponsored silencers, the

wig wearers, the pub quizzers, the non-uniformers, the jumble salers,

the custard pie-ers, the backward walkers, the walk to workers,

the inside-out clothes wearers, the treadmillers, the face painters,

the sponsored waxers, the gungers, the sweepstakers,

the three-legged racers, the world changers.

To all of you, thanks a billion!

Thank you.

Thank you! I thank you!

Woooo! Wooo! Thank you!

Waaa!

So that was Red Nose Day 2015, but hey,

coming up in 2016, we've got Sport Relief.

This lot are getting ready and you can too!

# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this?

# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this? #

Walk run, swim or cycle yourself proud at Sport Relief Games

events across the UK.

Sign up now at bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.

# Are you re-e-e-e-eady for this?

# Are you ready for this?

# Are you ready? Are you ready?

# Are you ready for this? Let's go!

# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this?

# Wo oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh-oh

# Wo oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh-oh # Let's go, let's go

# Are you re-e-e-e-eady for this? #