Episode 1 Common Sense

what size are you, sweetheart? Mother of the

what size are you, sweetheart? Donald Trump's top team. He might be

a bit but Donald Trump's top team. He might be

and views. Have a look at this. Of every day folk collide. A

you think he'd say about it, Phyllis? Turning in his grave.

you think he'd say about it, people, just like you... And quite

possibly like Britain yakking. President Obama has

called for Americans to other since school. They're still

good friends, and both share a love of dominoes. And the occasional

lager. Tony Blair was back in the news this

week, after announcing he would be handing over more than ?9 million of

his own money to a project that promotes globalisation. And LBC's

Nigel Farage couldn't wait to tell us more. He said those of us on the

Brexit side of argument and from macro side of the argument have a

close minded approach to globalisation. What he does want to

do is he wants to oppose the new populism.

Popular is, what is it? I don't have a clue, do you know what it is? I

don't know. I'll have to have a look on Google. I've never heard of

populism, I don't know what it means, must be a new word. I've

never heard of it. No. These intelligent people, when they speak

they should use everyday words that when they speak people can

understand. I don't want to think OK, I'll go home and look up the

meaning for it. I think they're just making words up, because they come

out don't they? And you think to yourself, what does that mean? Yeah.

Populism is a word used by people who hate democracy is functioning

effectively. I like Tony Blair, I don't care what you think. I wanted

to be a politician. Have you got seven? No. The nice thing is we

thought we'd got rid of Tony Blair. Yes, and now he's back again. He

wasn't a very good Prime Minister, I feel. The worst, Lord Liverpool was

bad, and he was only bad because he was so right wing. Those years of

97-2005, Alastair Campbell... Things can only get better. He isn't coming

back. I like that song! Where has he been all this time? We don't know,

we haven't heard anything from him. Is he trying to worm his way back

into British politics? To make up for Iraq? Strange on that one, very

strange. What's strange about it? Wants to put up ?9 million of his

own money. There's something in it for him, something in it for him. He

wants to come back and get new friends and I think he wants to rule

the country again. He wants to rule the world. Rule the world.

Interesting, what does his wife say about that? She wants to buy another

house. He wanted to be president of the union. I think if he can block

us leaving the EU, Denny may think he can somehow smarmy his way into

some position that. Wants to be president of the European Union.

Yes. Among other things. If not he wants to be God. I can't wait to see

what he does. Stop butting in, you've had your time, your old news!

I like Cherie. Cherie Blair? I think she's great. She's got an awful

smile, like the Joker. Like she's been given one of those Chelsea

grins. Married for 30 years, Mick and Dawn run a butchers shop in

Birmingham. Specialising in cooked meats, bacon and pies. Both the news

on social media marvelled at the sheer scale of the devastating

developments near the South Pole this week. Scientists at the BBC a

giant iceberg is ready to break off from the ice shelf in Antarctica --

Antarctica. Maybe the biggest on record, 3000 square miles. It's a

big one, isn't it? A quarter the size of Wales. Actually it has

broken off yet, it's fractured, yeah? But what happens when it does

fracture, where is going to float? Where's it going to go? As long as

it doesn't come at us, we all right. Antarctica is a bit of a. Floating

floating north is what it means. Will it or will it go south? It has

to float north because it's the most southerly point on the planet. So if

it breaks off from that it can only go one way, North. But it could go

east. Will it hit Ireland's first? No, heading north. But Ireland is in

the North Sea, isn't it? No! LAUGHTER

Is it? You are never any good at geography. If something is that the

most southerly point and it moves it can only go up, can't it? If it went

east it would go around a circle and swap back in. The world is round so

if it was at the bottom, it could just go that way or that way. It's

still north, up is North, because it's heading that way. The South

Pole, North, heading north, going further up. Wales is there. Where we

are is roundabout there. For heavens sake, love. The fecking country,

they just use it as an analogy. The size of the iceberg is the quarter

the size of Wales. I understand that. It's not heading for us. Don't

patronise me. You said it was heading for as. No. It's going to

take months to melt, months. Yeah. That sick, the climate is changing

around the world, isn't it? Getting warmer. People have been moaning for

donkeys years about it. Yeah. We had the ice age and as you said the

prehistoric age on all the other ages and we got through it. I think

we're too... What's the name, very adaptable, the animals are

adaptable. Someone will think of something. We've managed since the

ice age, haven't we? Things are happening that are abnormal, I'm

telling you. These are warning signs, these things, telling us...

We've got to start taking care of our planet. We've got icebergs

floating all over the place now you know? Hello babe comedy won that

one? Global warming. Would you wear that if it was cold out there? Don't

ask, should my not buy it. What's wrong with you! Alice, Sheila and

Phyllis are all in their 80s. On Tuesdays and Fridays they work out

together at Heather's keep fit club in Hull.

On Thursday, the newspapers were awash with the story that the Queen

nearly came a cropper. When one of her guards nearly shot her. Oh my

gosh, the Queen was lucky there! During a late-night stroll through

Buckingham Palace gardens. Somebody said the other day that she

nearly got shot and I thought it was a joke. No, it's right. Imagines

that! He was going to shoot her? He didn't know it was her, he thought

it was an intruder. How can he not tell, she has a pretty unique

silhouette, doesn't she? He actually said to the Queen, do know what he

said? I don't know, but he didn't shoot her! He said good grief, I

nearly shot U mamma. He didn't realise it was the Queen. What I

think was unbelievable, she said to the guard, I do apologise young man,

I'm so sorry, I have phoned down to tell you I was coming for a walk.

What a load of bullocks. If he had have shot her... There are loads of

cameras. Can you imagine what it would have been like? Yeah... What

about Port Phillip? I wonder what he was thinking. That would be the end

of him. -- Prince Philip. That would be the end of him. He's been naughty

over the years but he loves her. We haven't seen the Queen for donkeys

since New Year, missed loads of services. I thought, she is dead. I

thought it was breaking News. It would break our heart. So that's

what I thought. It wouldn't have broken my heart. It would have broke

my heart. To be honest, to see her again like that... Brought a smile

to my face, you know? Who do you think will take over from her? Do

you think Prince Charles? No, no. I think William might take over. You

think William? I don't think Charles will because people don't like him.

She's been there for donkeys, hasn't she? Exactly. She looks safe as

houses, her. You only have to look at her, she's not snotty, is she?

She's beautiful. Walls, was. Still beautiful, a beautiful lady. Don't

be dissing the Queen. I've gone out for walks in the early hours of the

morning, I'm not ashamed to admit it and there's a good reason. Why's

that? I can't put up with her snoring. Oh God, if you could use

the Richter scale it would be a .7, I've got to get out. The walls move.

I put a plug for my year, I put a towel around my head, it don't mean

anything. The noise is unbearable. That's why I've gone for a walk, to

get some serenity at 3am. I imagine how Her Majesty the Queen feels.

Stan and Billy have been friends since their days at Bootle Boys'

Brigade, when they were 11. Whatever the weather they spend two days a

week swinging back clubs at Formby golf centre.

The papers and Internet reported on a recent survey carried out in the

UK that found that the average Brit spends more than a year and a half

of their lives in a rotten mood. You are in a good mood? Or have you got

the hump? Do I look like I'm in a good mood? You can't beat what's his

name, you can't be happy 24-7. I am. You are? That's not what your wife

told me. She doesn't have a close. Do think I'm an average Brit? Not at

all. Why not? It an average Brit is in a bad mood for one year and eight

months and you have exceeded that by ten years already! When you don't

win at bingo does that upset you? Yeah, it's the same people that

always win. That's generally the case. I've never been. I do, I go on

a Saturday. I've heard people say... The same people that win all the

time. Yes. Some people are luckier than others, you know? They once did

a survey on it. Not worried about it. They said some people are

naturally more lucky. The thing is, I have a little theory about this. I

think it's all generated from down London way. You're giving me the

hump, you've got a Tottenham Hotspur top for your lady. You know you take

all the figures and do an average. If they generated nine hours of

grumpiness, they generated half an hour and they take that factor over

different cities, that's properly where they get one hour and 40 from.

I'll give you 10% discount because I like you. Give me ?20, lovely.

Listen, if you wear it more than once we don't guarantee it, thanks a

lot. That will never fit is bird. Medium!

Christine and Winnifred work at the West Indian community Centre in

Leeds. Both are devout Christians. Winnifred is a bishop's daughter. As

well as upsetting Mexicans, Muslims and even Meryl Streep, this week, it

was Donald Trump's owned security chiefs who were left reeling. The

winner of the US presidential election has refused to believe that

Russia tried to put him in the White House. When he tweeted his doubts

about whether the Russians tried to sabotage the election. Do you know

what happened to American presidents in the past that have interfered

with the intelligence services? They don't last long. They don't. Mr

Nixon will tell you all about that. You cannot mess with the Secret

Service. He's connecting, isn't he? He's connecting. Do you know how

many he is getting? It is unbelievable. They have got to stop

him. They have got to stop the twittering. When he is president, he

cannot do it. Do you think he will take any notice? He will have to.

What do you think when he is tweeting all the time? Do you think

they say anything to him? He will say, who do you think you are

talking to? I tell you what to do. You don't tell me what to do. They

are probably scared to say anything to him. A fiver. The American people

voted him in. They knew what he was like. But everybody's got to suffer.

They knew what he was like, and they chose to vote him in, irrespective

of what they had against Hillary. Everyone is saying you can't be

friends with Russia. Why not? Why are they worried about Q10. I know

Putin likes horse riding. Maybe Trump likes to go horse riding as

well. Proper bareback? I do not trust Putin. He is very sly. Who can

you trust? You can't trust no one, Frank. Do you think I trust you?

Putin and Donald Trump together. That is a disaster, to me. Sounds

good to me. Frank is Jewish and supports West Ham. Amy was born in

Cyprus and is Muslim. They have been pals for 25 years. This week, the

papers reported on the plans being made for fracking to take place in

the Sherwood Foresters. The first part of the operation involves...

What the hell is fracking? The aim is to reach the tiny fissures in the

shale rock. Sherwood Foresters of all places. Look at all the wildlife

in there! They should keep places like that free. But then again, the

people that live near the areas, they do not want it there either.

There's been a lot of demonstrations. What is fracking? I

am not familiar with that phrase? Just tell me what it is. The Mac

gas. Oilrig. The Mac gas. It is like Dallas, Texas. You see these

machines going up and down, digging for oil. That's what it is, to see

if there's any natural gases underneath the... Basically, the

floor. They drill into the ground, and they drill quite a way down, and

then they find something. What is it they find? I can't remember. And

they drill. They drill? That's what I just said. Why are you repeating

what I said? But how do they collect the gas? You can't see gas. They

know what to do with it. So what the hell do you think they do with it?

They must put it somewhere. They must... To get it into the

container, that's what they must use, a container. They've got to do

something with it, otherwise it will escape. Unless it's a colour. There

might be a colour to it. How do they know when they've got it? Do you

really know how it works, or are you guessing? I haven't got a clue

whatsoever. Now it's fracking. Where does it end. What's next? Where does

it end? It's all right now, but what about generations after us? That's

what worries me. That's what you worry about, your grandkids. Of

course you do, and what kind of the world they will live in. It doesn't

bear thinking about, does it? Sorry, Sheila. Best mates Brandon and Tony

are Vietnamese nail technicians. They have a passion for dancing,

girls and well gelled nails. On Sunday there was an unusual

exclusive in the Sun newspaper that also went viral. They found a sperm

donor on Facebook. About the first British man to reveal he was four

months pregnant. So he's got two parts now. Boys bits and girls bits.

I don't think so, I don't know. Are the girl's bits still there? He will

not have both genitals. He will only have one or the other. You are male

or female, not both. He's a fella and he is four months pregnant. Are

you listening? He's a bloke. This is the headline. Four months pregnant

bloke. He must have a flipping tally... In the eyes of the law, he

is referred to as a man. But is the law always right? You know that a

man can't get pregnant. It doesn't matter what they say. I know she

found a sperm donor on Facebook. He came to the house, right? Used his

sperm in a tube. And then injected it into her. So she hasn't seen him

face-to-face? I can't understand why, if he wants to get pregnant,

if... She'd? It is a he. Is there anything wrong with men having

babies? Forget about how it came about. Men having babies, though? It

doesn't sound right. It doesn't. What is the world coming to? It is

all equality. You can't say nothing, or they will make you for equality.

This is the time we are in, Frank. This is the modern day. Genetically,

the biological fact is only women can give birth. Simple as that. Do

you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Best of luck to him. To her. To him. To

her. Francis and father David met as vicars in church in 76. Now they

meet once a week for port and pontification.

Theresa May has had a difficult start... On Thursday, the media went

into overdrive, revealing that Theresa May planned to make a speech

at the end of the month. The mail takes aim at the Economist for what

it calls a sneering hatchet job... She intends to outline her plans for

Britain outside of Europe. So she's going to let us know what it's all

about now. She's finally going to say something about Brexit. I don't

know what took so long? Stopped looking! She has got a plan. Have

you read it? I saw it. Theresa May planned speech. Why is she waiting

for weeks? If she could do it now, she do it now. Obviously, she needs

to get her act together, sought her shit out. Why does it take four

weeks? If she is planning it, what is she planning? What is going on?

Silence. She wants to be, like... That speech. Shock and awe. Written

is going to rise up behind her. Camera was strike on it. Straight on

it. -- Cameron. Lost the Brexit vote, a day later, he was out. This

woman is messing about. For weeks before she talks of her intentions.

We want to know what's going on. Everyone's got to know. The Germans

know, the French know. They know what they're going to say, but we

don't know what we're going to say. The speech has got to be, Brexit is

Brexit. I'm sick of hearing that. Why don't they say, all Brexit means

is we are leaving. Not tomorrow, but the next day. We're leaving. That's

it. We will stop paying you. You will stop paying us, allegedly, and

then that's it. Go our separate ways. It's a hard thing to say,

because it is her job. You've got to stop and think about it. I would let

the public know how far I was going to go, what I would do. I wouldn't

just sit and write a speech. I would have to tell them, we're going to do

this, this is how it's going to go, keep in touch with the public. I'm

not going to say anything about it, because I don't know enough about

it. I know she bought a pair of trousers for ?900. I know she did. A

pair of trousers, ?900. I'm not happy with Theresa May at all.

People said she was going to be another Margaret Thatcher. That's

because she's a woman. After Churchill, Thatcher was probably the

best Prime Minister we've had. She's not going to be another Margaret

Thatcher. She is sitting on the fence, then taking over as Prime

Minister. She must have something about her. Of course she has. Where

did that one go? I think I would like to work for her. She's a late

riser. She prefers to work late and get up late. You are always crack of

dawn. You said late riser. She likes to get things done. Thanks, to

reason, as long as we get out of Brexit.

Returning soon to BBC Two - Insert Name Here, the comedy...

Ladies and gentlemen, apologies on behalf of Southern