Episode 1 Common Sense


Episode 1

Fast-turnaround comedy series voiced by Ruth Jones. A cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discuss the news of the week.


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what size are you, sweetheart? Mother of the

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what size are you, sweetheart? Donald Trump's top team. He might be

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a bit but Donald Trump's top team. He might be

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and views. Have a look at this. Of every day folk collide. A

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you think he'd say about it, Phyllis? Turning in his grave.

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you think he'd say about it, people, just like you... And quite

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possibly like Britain yakking. President Obama has

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called for Americans to other since school. They're still

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good friends, and both share a love of dominoes. And the occasional

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lager. Tony Blair was back in the news this

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week, after announcing he would be handing over more than ?9 million of

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his own money to a project that promotes globalisation. And LBC's

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Nigel Farage couldn't wait to tell us more. He said those of us on the

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Brexit side of argument and from macro side of the argument have a

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close minded approach to globalisation. What he does want to

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do is he wants to oppose the new populism.

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Popular is, what is it? I don't have a clue, do you know what it is? I

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don't know. I'll have to have a look on Google. I've never heard of

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populism, I don't know what it means, must be a new word. I've

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never heard of it. No. These intelligent people, when they speak

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they should use everyday words that when they speak people can

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understand. I don't want to think OK, I'll go home and look up the

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meaning for it. I think they're just making words up, because they come

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out don't they? And you think to yourself, what does that mean? Yeah.

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Populism is a word used by people who hate democracy is functioning

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effectively. I like Tony Blair, I don't care what you think. I wanted

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to be a politician. Have you got seven? No. The nice thing is we

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thought we'd got rid of Tony Blair. Yes, and now he's back again. He

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wasn't a very good Prime Minister, I feel. The worst, Lord Liverpool was

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bad, and he was only bad because he was so right wing. Those years of

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97-2005, Alastair Campbell... Things can only get better. He isn't coming

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back. I like that song! Where has he been all this time? We don't know,

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we haven't heard anything from him. Is he trying to worm his way back

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into British politics? To make up for Iraq? Strange on that one, very

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strange. What's strange about it? Wants to put up ?9 million of his

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own money. There's something in it for him, something in it for him. He

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wants to come back and get new friends and I think he wants to rule

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the country again. He wants to rule the world. Rule the world.

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Interesting, what does his wife say about that? She wants to buy another

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house. He wanted to be president of the union. I think if he can block

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us leaving the EU, Denny may think he can somehow smarmy his way into

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some position that. Wants to be president of the European Union.

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Yes. Among other things. If not he wants to be God. I can't wait to see

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what he does. Stop butting in, you've had your time, your old news!

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I like Cherie. Cherie Blair? I think she's great. She's got an awful

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smile, like the Joker. Like she's been given one of those Chelsea

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grins. Married for 30 years, Mick and Dawn run a butchers shop in

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Birmingham. Specialising in cooked meats, bacon and pies. Both the news

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on social media marvelled at the sheer scale of the devastating

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developments near the South Pole this week. Scientists at the BBC a

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giant iceberg is ready to break off from the ice shelf in Antarctica --

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Antarctica. Maybe the biggest on record, 3000 square miles. It's a

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big one, isn't it? A quarter the size of Wales. Actually it has

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broken off yet, it's fractured, yeah? But what happens when it does

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fracture, where is going to float? Where's it going to go? As long as

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it doesn't come at us, we all right. Antarctica is a bit of a. Floating

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floating north is what it means. Will it or will it go south? It has

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to float north because it's the most southerly point on the planet. So if

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it breaks off from that it can only go one way, North. But it could go

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east. Will it hit Ireland's first? No, heading north. But Ireland is in

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the North Sea, isn't it? No! LAUGHTER

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Is it? You are never any good at geography. If something is that the

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most southerly point and it moves it can only go up, can't it? If it went

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east it would go around a circle and swap back in. The world is round so

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if it was at the bottom, it could just go that way or that way. It's

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still north, up is North, because it's heading that way. The South

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Pole, North, heading north, going further up. Wales is there. Where we

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are is roundabout there. For heavens sake, love. The fecking country,

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they just use it as an analogy. The size of the iceberg is the quarter

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the size of Wales. I understand that. It's not heading for us. Don't

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patronise me. You said it was heading for as. No. It's going to

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take months to melt, months. Yeah. That sick, the climate is changing

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around the world, isn't it? Getting warmer. People have been moaning for

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donkeys years about it. Yeah. We had the ice age and as you said the

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prehistoric age on all the other ages and we got through it. I think

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we're too... What's the name, very adaptable, the animals are

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adaptable. Someone will think of something. We've managed since the

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ice age, haven't we? Things are happening that are abnormal, I'm

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telling you. These are warning signs, these things, telling us...

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We've got to start taking care of our planet. We've got icebergs

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floating all over the place now you know? Hello babe comedy won that

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one? Global warming. Would you wear that if it was cold out there? Don't

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ask, should my not buy it. What's wrong with you! Alice, Sheila and

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Phyllis are all in their 80s. On Tuesdays and Fridays they work out

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together at Heather's keep fit club in Hull.

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On Thursday, the newspapers were awash with the story that the Queen

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nearly came a cropper. When one of her guards nearly shot her. Oh my

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gosh, the Queen was lucky there! During a late-night stroll through

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Buckingham Palace gardens. Somebody said the other day that she

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nearly got shot and I thought it was a joke. No, it's right. Imagines

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that! He was going to shoot her? He didn't know it was her, he thought

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it was an intruder. How can he not tell, she has a pretty unique

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silhouette, doesn't she? He actually said to the Queen, do know what he

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said? I don't know, but he didn't shoot her! He said good grief, I

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nearly shot U mamma. He didn't realise it was the Queen. What I

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think was unbelievable, she said to the guard, I do apologise young man,

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I'm so sorry, I have phoned down to tell you I was coming for a walk.

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What a load of bullocks. If he had have shot her... There are loads of

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cameras. Can you imagine what it would have been like? Yeah... What

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about Port Phillip? I wonder what he was thinking. That would be the end

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of him. -- Prince Philip. That would be the end of him. He's been naughty

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over the years but he loves her. We haven't seen the Queen for donkeys

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since New Year, missed loads of services. I thought, she is dead. I

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thought it was breaking News. It would break our heart. So that's

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what I thought. It wouldn't have broken my heart. It would have broke

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my heart. To be honest, to see her again like that... Brought a smile

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to my face, you know? Who do you think will take over from her? Do

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you think Prince Charles? No, no. I think William might take over. You

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think William? I don't think Charles will because people don't like him.

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She's been there for donkeys, hasn't she? Exactly. She looks safe as

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houses, her. You only have to look at her, she's not snotty, is she?

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She's beautiful. Walls, was. Still beautiful, a beautiful lady. Don't

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be dissing the Queen. I've gone out for walks in the early hours of the

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morning, I'm not ashamed to admit it and there's a good reason. Why's

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that? I can't put up with her snoring. Oh God, if you could use

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the Richter scale it would be a .7, I've got to get out. The walls move.

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I put a plug for my year, I put a towel around my head, it don't mean

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anything. The noise is unbearable. That's why I've gone for a walk, to

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get some serenity at 3am. I imagine how Her Majesty the Queen feels.

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Stan and Billy have been friends since their days at Bootle Boys'

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Brigade, when they were 11. Whatever the weather they spend two days a

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week swinging back clubs at Formby golf centre.

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The papers and Internet reported on a recent survey carried out in the

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UK that found that the average Brit spends more than a year and a half

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of their lives in a rotten mood. You are in a good mood? Or have you got

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the hump? Do I look like I'm in a good mood? You can't beat what's his

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name, you can't be happy 24-7. I am. You are? That's not what your wife

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told me. She doesn't have a close. Do think I'm an average Brit? Not at

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all. Why not? It an average Brit is in a bad mood for one year and eight

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months and you have exceeded that by ten years already! When you don't

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win at bingo does that upset you? Yeah, it's the same people that

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always win. That's generally the case. I've never been. I do, I go on

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a Saturday. I've heard people say... The same people that win all the

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time. Yes. Some people are luckier than others, you know? They once did

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a survey on it. Not worried about it. They said some people are

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naturally more lucky. The thing is, I have a little theory about this. I

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think it's all generated from down London way. You're giving me the

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hump, you've got a Tottenham Hotspur top for your lady. You know you take

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all the figures and do an average. If they generated nine hours of

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grumpiness, they generated half an hour and they take that factor over

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different cities, that's properly where they get one hour and 40 from.

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I'll give you 10% discount because I like you. Give me ?20, lovely.

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Listen, if you wear it more than once we don't guarantee it, thanks a

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lot. That will never fit is bird. Medium!

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Christine and Winnifred work at the West Indian community Centre in

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Leeds. Both are devout Christians. Winnifred is a bishop's daughter. As

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well as upsetting Mexicans, Muslims and even Meryl Streep, this week, it

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was Donald Trump's owned security chiefs who were left reeling. The

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winner of the US presidential election has refused to believe that

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Russia tried to put him in the White House. When he tweeted his doubts

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about whether the Russians tried to sabotage the election. Do you know

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what happened to American presidents in the past that have interfered

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with the intelligence services? They don't last long. They don't. Mr

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Nixon will tell you all about that. You cannot mess with the Secret

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Service. He's connecting, isn't he? He's connecting. Do you know how

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many he is getting? It is unbelievable. They have got to stop

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him. They have got to stop the twittering. When he is president, he

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cannot do it. Do you think he will take any notice? He will have to.

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What do you think when he is tweeting all the time? Do you think

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they say anything to him? He will say, who do you think you are

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talking to? I tell you what to do. You don't tell me what to do. They

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are probably scared to say anything to him. A fiver. The American people

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voted him in. They knew what he was like. But everybody's got to suffer.

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They knew what he was like, and they chose to vote him in, irrespective

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of what they had against Hillary. Everyone is saying you can't be

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friends with Russia. Why not? Why are they worried about Q10. I know

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Putin likes horse riding. Maybe Trump likes to go horse riding as

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well. Proper bareback? I do not trust Putin. He is very sly. Who can

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you trust? You can't trust no one, Frank. Do you think I trust you?

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Putin and Donald Trump together. That is a disaster, to me. Sounds

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good to me. Frank is Jewish and supports West Ham. Amy was born in

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Cyprus and is Muslim. They have been pals for 25 years. This week, the

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papers reported on the plans being made for fracking to take place in

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the Sherwood Foresters. The first part of the operation involves...

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What the hell is fracking? The aim is to reach the tiny fissures in the

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shale rock. Sherwood Foresters of all places. Look at all the wildlife

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in there! They should keep places like that free. But then again, the

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people that live near the areas, they do not want it there either.

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There's been a lot of demonstrations. What is fracking? I

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am not familiar with that phrase? Just tell me what it is. The Mac

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gas. Oilrig. The Mac gas. It is like Dallas, Texas. You see these

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machines going up and down, digging for oil. That's what it is, to see

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if there's any natural gases underneath the... Basically, the

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floor. They drill into the ground, and they drill quite a way down, and

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then they find something. What is it they find? I can't remember. And

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they drill. They drill? That's what I just said. Why are you repeating

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what I said? But how do they collect the gas? You can't see gas. They

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know what to do with it. So what the hell do you think they do with it?

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They must put it somewhere. They must... To get it into the

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container, that's what they must use, a container. They've got to do

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something with it, otherwise it will escape. Unless it's a colour. There

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might be a colour to it. How do they know when they've got it? Do you

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really know how it works, or are you guessing? I haven't got a clue

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whatsoever. Now it's fracking. Where does it end. What's next? Where does

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it end? It's all right now, but what about generations after us? That's

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what worries me. That's what you worry about, your grandkids. Of

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course you do, and what kind of the world they will live in. It doesn't

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bear thinking about, does it? Sorry, Sheila. Best mates Brandon and Tony

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are Vietnamese nail technicians. They have a passion for dancing,

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girls and well gelled nails. On Sunday there was an unusual

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exclusive in the Sun newspaper that also went viral. They found a sperm

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donor on Facebook. About the first British man to reveal he was four

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months pregnant. So he's got two parts now. Boys bits and girls bits.

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I don't think so, I don't know. Are the girl's bits still there? He will

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not have both genitals. He will only have one or the other. You are male

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or female, not both. He's a fella and he is four months pregnant. Are

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you listening? He's a bloke. This is the headline. Four months pregnant

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bloke. He must have a flipping tally... In the eyes of the law, he

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is referred to as a man. But is the law always right? You know that a

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man can't get pregnant. It doesn't matter what they say. I know she

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found a sperm donor on Facebook. He came to the house, right? Used his

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sperm in a tube. And then injected it into her. So she hasn't seen him

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face-to-face? I can't understand why, if he wants to get pregnant,

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if... She'd? It is a he. Is there anything wrong with men having

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babies? Forget about how it came about. Men having babies, though? It

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doesn't sound right. It doesn't. What is the world coming to? It is

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all equality. You can't say nothing, or they will make you for equality.

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This is the time we are in, Frank. This is the modern day. Genetically,

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the biological fact is only women can give birth. Simple as that. Do

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you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Best of luck to him. To her. To him. To

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her. Francis and father David met as vicars in church in 76. Now they

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meet once a week for port and pontification.

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Theresa May has had a difficult start... On Thursday, the media went

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into overdrive, revealing that Theresa May planned to make a speech

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at the end of the month. The mail takes aim at the Economist for what

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it calls a sneering hatchet job... She intends to outline her plans for

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Britain outside of Europe. So she's going to let us know what it's all

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about now. She's finally going to say something about Brexit. I don't

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know what took so long? Stopped looking! She has got a plan. Have

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you read it? I saw it. Theresa May planned speech. Why is she waiting

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for weeks? If she could do it now, she do it now. Obviously, she needs

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to get her act together, sought her shit out. Why does it take four

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weeks? If she is planning it, what is she planning? What is going on?

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Silence. She wants to be, like... That speech. Shock and awe. Written

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is going to rise up behind her. Camera was strike on it. Straight on

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it. -- Cameron. Lost the Brexit vote, a day later, he was out. This

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woman is messing about. For weeks before she talks of her intentions.

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We want to know what's going on. Everyone's got to know. The Germans

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know, the French know. They know what they're going to say, but we

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don't know what we're going to say. The speech has got to be, Brexit is

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Brexit. I'm sick of hearing that. Why don't they say, all Brexit means

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is we are leaving. Not tomorrow, but the next day. We're leaving. That's

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it. We will stop paying you. You will stop paying us, allegedly, and

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then that's it. Go our separate ways. It's a hard thing to say,

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because it is her job. You've got to stop and think about it. I would let

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the public know how far I was going to go, what I would do. I wouldn't

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just sit and write a speech. I would have to tell them, we're going to do

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this, this is how it's going to go, keep in touch with the public. I'm

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not going to say anything about it, because I don't know enough about

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it. I know she bought a pair of trousers for ?900. I know she did. A

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pair of trousers, ?900. I'm not happy with Theresa May at all.

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People said she was going to be another Margaret Thatcher. That's

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because she's a woman. After Churchill, Thatcher was probably the

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best Prime Minister we've had. She's not going to be another Margaret

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Thatcher. She is sitting on the fence, then taking over as Prime

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Minister. She must have something about her. Of course she has. Where

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did that one go? I think I would like to work for her. She's a late

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riser. She prefers to work late and get up late. You are always crack of

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dawn. You said late riser. She likes to get things done. Thanks, to

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reason, as long as we get out of Brexit.

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Returning soon to BBC Two - Insert Name Here, the comedy...

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Ladies and gentlemen, apologies on behalf of Southern

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Fast-turnaround comedy series voiced by Gavin & Stacey's Ruth Jones. It features a regular cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discussing the news from that week - from major breaking stories to the most bizarre headlines.

Amongst the cast are a couple of East End market traders, dinner ladies from Leeds, Mancunian male nail technicians, Brummie butchers, Scottish launderette owners, supermarket co-workers and three great grandmothers from Hull.

This week's stories include:

Blair v Populism Giant Iceberg Queen Nearly Shot Bad-Mood Brits Fracking Trump Supports Assange Pregnant Man Theresa May Plans Speech.


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