Episode 2 Common Sense


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Episode 2

Fast turnaround comedy series voiced by Ruth Jones. A cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discuss the news of the week.


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Great Britain. Struggling to cope, a major alert in

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almost half of all NHS trusts in England. People in corridors on

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trolleys, in queues. Land of Hope and Glory.

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Freezing weather is causing disruption across much of the UK

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with snow showers and strong winds. Last night we had our first bit of

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snow in the winter, all over the place, it's snowing in Britain, it's

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snowing in Croydon. If we never had the weather British

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people wouldn't have anything to talk about. Where change is afoot.

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If it doesn't suit them they're going to blame Brexit. If it's

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raining, it's because we're in Brexit, got a cold, that's it,

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because we're in Brexit. The news and views of everyday folk collide.

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Americans are in the incredible position nine days before the

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inauguration of having to decide whether their President elect is a

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Russian agent of influence. It's all fake news, it's only stuff, it

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didn't happen. They say he's very charismatic. Quiet! Quiet! Go ahead,

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she is asking a question, don't be rude. But then again, Hitler was,

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wasn't he? What I'm proposing cannot mean membership of the Single

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Market. That speech, she is not so maybe anymore, is she? I don't think

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she would call that hard, that is hard, hard, isn't it? Now the voices

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of reason get their say. Labour is falling apart under Corbyn. He wants

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us to get rid of Trident, he wants us to get rid of all that and sit

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round a big baby table and sing come by our. And bring some common sense

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to what's happened this week. Good friends Jonathan and Jonny are

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from Darlington. They both work in a supermarket and love a pint and a

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game of dominoes. If you look down here they have a step they have to

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put their foot against to get a good grip because you can't pull these

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down, you've got to properly yank it down. Alice, Sheila and Phyllis go

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twice a week to keep fit in pole. They love nothing more than a slice

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of cake and a cup of tea. Do you put your milk in first or after? I

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always put the milk in first. I often put evaporated milk in. I love

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that. I maybe shouldn't. I think at my age it doesn't really matter.

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Exactly. This week has been a very busy one

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for President-elect Donald Trump. The media coverage has been

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extensive. Mr Trump always has his hands like that. Like that, yes.

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Whether sharing his thoughts on Anglo-American relations post the

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referendum. Donald Trump has proposed a quick trade deal with

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Britain after becomes President. Or defending himself against explosive

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allegations. Donald Trump has gone on the attack against his own

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intelligence agencies. He responds with anger to claims that Russia has

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obtained compromising information about him and his links to President

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Putin. Documents appear to claim Russia had secretly filmed him for

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later use as blackmail. Released by maybe the intelligence agencies. Who

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knows? One makes salacious claims about Trump's salacious Dimeck

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alleged use of prostitutes and the FSB had arranged to monitor them.

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Does anybody really believe that story? I'm also very much a

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germophobe, by the way,. The ludicrous accusation in this

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document is that Donald Trump in the grand suite of a Moscow hotel which

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he must have known was bugged would pay prostitutes to urinate on him.

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That is the measure of this filthy little document. Even if this is

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true, it's just embarrassing for him. He's not bothered, is he? They

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could release the footage on CNN and all Trump's organisation would say

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is... It's fake news, it's phoney. He likes that word. That really does

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look like you. And I would like to congratulate these... It's very

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good. It's very good, it looks like me. The Russians say it is nothing

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to do with them. What do you think? They don't admit to anything, they

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deny everything. I think as long as they can get something on somebody.

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I think I know what you mean, yes. Yes.

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If there was a video do you think the Russians would have absolute

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control? Totally. That's if Trump plays the game right. So it's going

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to be literally, Trump would be his biatch. Putin's biatch. That is what

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they do, they get people into compromising situations and then

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blackmail them, don't they? Yes. It's been going on for years. I

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think it's going to be another Nixon and he will step down. Do you think

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he will? He will get his presidency and he will step down. Whereas they

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had the Watergate, this could be the water bed. He could get impeached

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for this. He could make Nixon... They could make Watergate look like

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a tea party. The only grounds could be. If it was criminal activity.

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Only if he was under the influence of the Russians, but there is no

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evidence of that at all, they are just wild accusations from his

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enemies. What they have got to do is show us more evidence. They can't

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just say he has done this. If they have no proof, look what they did to

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Cliff Richard. It doesn't matter what comes out. He could be in bed

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with anything or everything. Is it going to make any difference? He is

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President-elect. Anything that's come out, do you think it's going to

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make any difference? He's Donald Trump. Granted, a twit but...

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Somebody is trying to bring him down with these sex romps. Year.

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Definitely, I think they are. And before he's even President. Nobody

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has given him a chance. Not even a sniff. He's not even been in office

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and people are chatting shit about him already, he's had a bad week,

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hasn't he? He's had a bad week. Dawn and Mick got married 30 years

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ago. They work side-by-side as butchers in their family business in

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Birmingham. You have me working hard, Mick. The blessings of God.

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Noreen and hurt son hourly work in a family run newsagent in Edinburgh.

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Ali is the eldest of her three children. What is this headline

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about? Do we actually sell this? -- headlight. We have sold three. Have

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we? This week the papers and Internet

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reported the terrible news that another of our favourite sweet

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treats was to be downsized due to the falling pound. Check this out,

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mum. Brexit is after our French Fancies. Mr Kipling is to replace

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its box of nine cake slices with a smaller pack of eight. Everything's

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getting smaller, isn't it? There will be nothing left. Will you

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suffer? Of course I will suffer, if I've got nine cakes and I will go

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down to eight, I'm going to suffer. Imagine if you have ten kids and

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there is only nine cakes in the box, it means you have to buy two boxes

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to please the kids. That's OK. Of course it isn't, what do you do with

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the rest? You either rest and put on weight. I hope they don't cut down

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on the Viennese waltz. The fall in the value of the pound following the

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vote for independence. Another reason we should stay, Mr Kipling

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makes exceedingly small cakes. I quite like the chocolate fancies.

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With Brexit and all these other excuses, sugar has never been so

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cheap, bags of sugar for 39p. You cannot tell me he is putting sugar

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in his cakes. He might use agave. Do you remember buying 1p sweets and

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now they are 5p and 10p and that is not Brexit's fault. Do you remember

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Fred ons and Chump, they used to be massive and now they are tiny and in

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sheep packaging. It is just inflation. It cannot be Brexit's

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fault. It feels like they are blaming Brexit for everything. If I

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could put my price up I would do, you look for any excuse. They have

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given them a great excuse with Brexit. Yes. Let's see how far you

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can get the ball Bill. Not a bad shot, Sunshine. If it doesn't suit

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them they will blame Brexit. If it's raining, it's because we are in

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Brexit. Look, look at that, it's because of Brexit, I've got a cold,

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that's it, because of Brexit. I thought it was raining heavily the

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other day and I thought this lasted Brexit, why couldn't we have voted

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to stay in and it would be sunshine all the time. Wall-to-wall sunshine,

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Scott Shearer. What about the toilet roll? What about them? They have

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gone from 220 down to 200 sheets. How many people do you know have

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looked at a toilet roll, stuck them in the toilet and realised they are

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20 sheets short. But I've noticed. You have? Yes I have. Unless they

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told you I wouldn't have a clue, if you stuck that toilet roll in the

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toilet roll holder and told me there where 20 sheets less I wouldn't have

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a fecking clue. That's because you used 20 in one go. If you have an

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entirely pink bathroom and green toilet roll. It makes me laugh,

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saying I will have to leave it, you can only leave it for so long,

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Cardew? How long were you planning on leaving it? Wait a minute.

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Toblerone is Swiss. Why are Toblerone is reduced? They are not

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in the European Union. Never mind leaving, they didn't join. The gap

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between the triangles is getting bigger and bigger. Why would that be

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Brexit's fault? This was just follow suit, don't they? Frank and Davie

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run market stalls in the East End of London. They've been friends for 25

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years. The blue top, it is for a child, 5-6 years. I do apologise.

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What do you want? Just a side. It yesterday in Theresa May's much

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anticipated Brexit speech is made her stance on future trade with

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Europe. What I am proposing cannot mean membership of this and will

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market. On taking control of our borders. We will get control of the

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number of people coming to Britain from the EU. And on making our own

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laws. Leaving the European Union will mean that our laws will be made

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at Westminster, Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast.

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She said, you know, we will leave the Single Market and we will be

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able to put a curb on immigration. What a mistake. If we come out of

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the Single Market, the cost of import is going to go sky high, and

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who is going to suffer? Us. When she talks in Prime Minister's Question

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Time she can be a little patronising, there is an undertone.

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She is very much like Thatcher but she reminds me of Gordon Brown. She

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pulls faces like Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown used to say something

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and then go like that... She does the same, she pulls a face but I

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love it when she focuses on an issue. Do you remember the first one

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and she went, remind you of anyone and she looked about. I was

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intimidated and I was only watching on telly. She's got a job she

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probably doesn't even want to do so she must be finding it hard. I'm not

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defending her. In a sense I probably am. But she must find it difficult.

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Of course she's going to find it hard because she wanted to remain.

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She seems to be determined now, don't you think? Well, there are

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some people who believe in what they're doing, if they take a job on

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they do the job. Yes. They don't try and scupper it. No, she will not try

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and fudge it them? No, I think she will do her job. She wants to be

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remembered for doing the job. Only time will tell, it will be the test

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of time if she has negotiated the best deal. Three years from now we

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will see. Nobody can forecast what will happen. Three years from now

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everyone will be sorry they voted for Brexit, trust me on that. The

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thing is, the public, including us, are frustrated because we can't

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criticise ourselves. Even though we're not happy about leading the

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Single Market and we're not completely happy about leaving

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Europe we can't blame anyone, it's us. We like to blame the

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politicians, we like to save look what they've done, we want to be up

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in arms but we can't. I tell you what Theresa may need more than

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anything else. Mandelson. We are all believers really when we think about

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it -- Leavers. We have been forced into it. We haven't been forced into

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it. We voted. Yes, and everybody that wanted to remain. We haven't

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been forced into it. We have. The vote didn't go our way. For feck's

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sake, the vote went wrong. Who would have thought it would be so

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difficult to leave. Things are difficult. That's life, though,

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isn't it. I'm picking another domino. I've got loads.

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Christine and Winnifred had been friends for 30 years. They live in

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Leeds. They share a passion for the church and cooking West Indian food.

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There are only three things I would not eat. A dog, cat and a monkey.

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No. Go on them. Look at that. This week, Joseph Fiennes was at the

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centre of a Twitter storm that sparked a press frenzy. A

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controversial TV show where he portrayed Michael Jackson was pulled

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at outrage from the singer's family. Paris Jackson is curious that her

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dad, who is definitely black, is being played by Joseph wines, who is

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definitely right. -- Joseph Fiennes. It is about a rumoured road trip

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that Michael Jackson is alleged to have taken with Marlon Brando and

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Elizabeth Taylor. That would have been a great film, that. It's a

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shame. She said that she was so incredibly offended by it, and it

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honestly makes me want to vomit. Is that what Paris said? It makes want

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to vomit? She is obviously upset about it all. Michael Jackson almost

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looks as white as that man that is playing him, so what is the problem?

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It is only because we know that he started off black. You cannot argue

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with Paris because that is his daughter and she says she is

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offended, but you have to think, well, we all know Michael Jackson

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was white. Michael Jackson is black. He started out black. Didn't see?

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But he wasn't born white. He was born black. So she has every right

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to kick up a fuss. Off the wall, he was black. But by Thriller, he was

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Ashley Cole. Then by Bad, he was like... Ben Affleck. Even whiter.

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Casper? Yeah. I saw the picture of Joseph Fiennes, who is going to play

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the part. I don't think he looks a bit like Michael Jackson. I don't

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think so. He must've been good to get that part, when he did that

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audition. Probably dancing, because Michael Jackson could move. I think

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he must have been a good mover and a good singer. If you want to play

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someone that is dead, pretty much the most iconic entertainer that has

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ever lived, bar none... Elvis Presley? I think Michael Jackson

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beaten, to be honest. Maybe. You have got to be sensitive,

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considering the controversy around him, you have to be sensitive to you

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portrayed. Did you like Michael Jackson, Phyllis? I did. I used to

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watch him on television. He certainly could move, couldn't see?

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I thought he was talented. I remember him when he first came

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here, he was only a little boy. He was Bonnie. He is a legend, isn't

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he? We will never see another Michael Jackson again, will we?

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Never, ever again. Ed Sheeran, in four years, he will be gone. Who is

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that ging. Brandon and Tony are Vietnamese nail technicians. They

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work in their brother's nail salon. I look good for 30. I look smashing.

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I have got a good head of hair. Some people would die for this. There was

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an extraordinary story reported by the mirror this week about a

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100-year-old woman who had never the Isle of Man. I wouldn't like to live

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to 100 years, would you? Yeah. Me 101 and you 100. That's impossible

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because you're too and years older than me anyway. Imagine not seeing

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anything, like she wouldn't have seen Buckingham Palace, the Tower of

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London, the NEC in Birmingham, the big wheels. The German market. She

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would have experienced nothing like that. But how often do you go down

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to the NEC? No, but I've been there. And I'm not a hundred, by the way. I

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might look it, but I'm not. Well, you haven't been there that often

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and it's on your doorstep. So for her to think, I'm going to the NEC,

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big deal. Have you travelled around England? I've seen a fair bit of

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England. I've seen a lot of it. Have you been to Scotland? I've never

:20:17.:20:24.

been to Scotland, have you? No. I've never been to the Isle of Man. I've

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never been to the Isle of Man, but I've been to the Isle of Wight.

:20:30.:20:35.

That's where they have the TT races. I don't suppose there's much else

:20:36.:20:43.

there. Do they have their own currency? I think they do. I've seen

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one. Someone paid. In the Isle of Man? It's the same value. It's got

:20:52.:20:55.

the Queen's head but it's the Isle of Man. It's got three legs, hasn't

:20:56.:21:01.

it? Let's talk about the cats. The cats? The cats have no tales. Are

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you talking about legs? Legs? Is it the Isle of Man that has the Manx

:21:13.:21:20.

cats? It is, isn't it? Without a tail? That's right. My dad had one

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of them for years. A cat with no tail. If you cut a tale of any cat,

:21:28.:21:35.

you will have one. If you cut a tale of a cat, you don't get a Manx cat,

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it is specially bred. Are they still part of the UK? I swear they are.

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It's like Jersey, isn't it? They have their own thing but whenever

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they need us, yeah, yeah we still got the Queen. Francis and father

:21:55.:22:03.

David met in the 70s when they were both ordnance in the Anglican free

:22:04.:22:07.

stood. Although Frances left to pursue a career in journalism, they

:22:08.:22:13.

catch up regularly over a glass of claret. This week, the BBC reported

:22:14.:22:28.

more bad news for Labour. Tristram Hunt is resigning. With the

:22:29.:22:33.

departure of one of the party's high-profile shadow ministers.

:22:34.:22:36.

Triggering a by-election in his Stoke constituency, an area that

:22:37.:22:40.

voted for Brexit and for Ukip came second in the election. The papers

:22:41.:22:44.

ran with headlines that suggested Ukip may try to capitalise on the

:22:45.:22:48.

opportunity. Tristram Hunt has left, fundamentally, because he feels he

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has are brighter future away from Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party.

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We are confident that there is a large number of voters that will

:22:57.:23:01.

feel exactly the same way in the constituency. Labour must be

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petrified. To right they are. Did you see he tweeted his resignation

:23:07.:23:10.

letter, which seems to be the trend now. He tweeted it and said, he's

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going to follow his passion for history and the arts. He just

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changed his mind and decided he wants to work in a museum? That's

:23:23.:23:30.

mad, isn't it? From an MP to working in a museum. That's like us quitting

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this job here and working in a zoo. All these politicians, they are bit

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arty 40 anyway. If the Victoria and Albert Museum has offered this guy a

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job, he thinks, well, what is named? Tristram Hunt? Tristram Hunt. He

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sounds like ponds anyway, doesn't he? It's a posh name. Tristram Hunt

:23:52.:24:00.

and the Victoria and Albert Museum, they go hand-in-hand. Tristram Hunt,

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I never liked the name Tristram. It's not Tristram, it's Tristram.

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You have to make an effort to say it. Does the Ukip party connector

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you? I bloody hope not. Obviously they have some good points. You

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can't deny that, can you? You can't be the first Oriental Ukip

:24:29.:24:33.

supporter. Why do they have a by-election, why does it not just go

:24:34.:24:37.

to the next highest result? Which is Ukip, only by 33 votes over the

:24:38.:24:43.

Tories, by the way, so it would go to Ukip, as a Ukip seat. Why do they

:24:44.:24:46.

have to have a by-election because technically they voted for that

:24:47.:24:51.

person second. But politics is progressive so that might not be how

:24:52.:24:55.

people feel now. It would save a lot of money. Maybe put that money into

:24:56.:24:59.

the NHS, the money we spend on by-elections. They do not need any

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more money. All right, chorizo. -- all right, Theresa May. Stan and

:25:08.:25:10.

Billy have known each other since they were 11. Twice a week, they

:25:11.:25:16.

meet for a round of golf. What are they shot that was. Just when I said

:25:17.:25:22.

I was improving a bit. -- what a rubbish shot that was. There was an

:25:23.:25:26.

interesting article in the Observer and online this week. Nipples.

:25:27.:25:34.

Highlighting recent 30% rise in request for nipple reduction

:25:35.:25:38.

surgery. Have you got little nibbles? You've got little nothing.

:25:39.:25:45.

A lot of women are thinking their nipples are too big so they want

:25:46.:25:49.

them reduced. I thought it was their breasts they wanted reducing. They

:25:50.:25:56.

are happy with the breasts, but now they want DDs to be like Cs. I can

:25:57.:26:05.

see the benefit of having your nipples reduced. What benefit is it?

:26:06.:26:11.

They must be short of work. Everyone has had everything done, their eyes,

:26:12.:26:15.

their ears, their knees. And then all of a sudden you need small

:26:16.:26:22.

nipples. Extraordinary, isn't it. Not really, because there is no

:26:23.:26:25.

accounting for taste these days. But it has always been the same. There

:26:26.:26:29.

was a time when big nipples seemed to be the thing. But for ladies with

:26:30.:26:35.

big nipples, that stick out through their clothes, and it is

:26:36.:26:40.

embarrassing. They can't get it to go down. And when it is cold, it is

:26:41.:26:45.

even worse. How do you know? Because you can see it. It is even worse

:26:46.:26:52.

when you are called. The nipples are an erogenous zone, so if you cut it

:26:53.:26:57.

down, or do surgery on it, they lose sensitivity. They might do. I bet it

:26:58.:27:04.

is painful. I wouldn't have nothing done. Have you had any plastic

:27:05.:27:08.

surgery? Do you know what, don't laugh. But I have. Where have you

:27:09.:27:15.

had plastic surgery? Being of my faith, I used to have a very hooked

:27:16.:27:22.

nose. Don't laugh. And my ears stuck out, so I went into the London

:27:23.:27:26.

clinic in the West End, bless my father, his dear soul, and I had my

:27:27.:27:31.

nose reshaped. Is that the best they could come up with? Why are women

:27:32.:27:39.

doing all of this? Insecurity, isn't it? But why are they so insecure? I

:27:40.:27:45.

would go, listen, babe, I love you, don't change for me. And that's the

:27:46.:27:52.

God untruth. -- the God dam truth. I think they should do a survey with

:27:53.:27:56.

men because men know what they want in a Lady's body, more than anybody

:27:57.:28:00.

else. If they approach the men, there are some men that will like

:28:01.:28:08.

them and some men that will not. I would like to find out who started

:28:09.:28:11.

this craze and who has had this nipple reduction. It will come out

:28:12.:28:19.

in the wash, want it? Hello, lovely. Two work, coming up. It has been cut

:28:20.:28:29.

this morning. -- two pork.

:28:30.:28:31.

Fast turnaround comedy series voiced by Gavin & Stacey's Ruth Jones. It features a regular cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discussing the news from that week - from major breaking stories to the most bizarre headlines.

Amongst the cast are a couple of East End market traders, dinner ladies from Leeds, Mancunian male nail technicians, Brummie butchers, Scottish launderette owners, supermarket co-workers and three great-grandmothers from Hull.

This week's stories include:

Trump's dirty dossier Mr Kipling (cakes getting smaller) Theresa May's speech Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson 100-year-old woman Tristram Hunt's resignation/The rise of UKIP Nipple reduction surgery.