Episode 3 Common Sense


Episode 3

Comedy series voiced by Ruth Jones. A cast of real British people discuss the news of the week, including Trump's inauguration, stress sex and the Brexit Supreme Court ruling.


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Transcript


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Great Britain. Boris Johnson comes under attack for appearing to

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compare the French government to the Nazis. The world is laughing at us

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with him being Foreign Minister. They are laughing at us. Of all the

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people to have that role, you might as well give it to Honey G. This

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week, the world's news was astonishing. Donald Trump is

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president of the United States. This is your day, your celebration. This,

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the United States of America, is your country. From debate, to

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division product to disturbances on the streets. I think all the

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Americans think, what the hell? Theresa May says she has absolute

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faith in Britain's nuclear deterrent despite claims of a test firing

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going wrong. The Sunday Times says an unarmed rocket veered in the

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direction of the United States. The Prime Minister declined to say

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whether she knew of the incident. Is she did know it, why didn't she tell

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us? Apparently she was asked about four times. Now, the voices of

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reason get their say. First night in the White House got awkward. You

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know why Chris Ray does not anyone. Don't trust touch me, don't Kiss me.

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They might even sleep in separate rooms. Can't be caught having the

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key on camera. What if that goes viral? And bring some common sense

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to what has been occurring this week.

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Have you had your haircut? It does look nice. When it is shorter, it is

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easier to manage. Alice, Sheila and Phyllis are keen keep fitters. They

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have 20 grandchildren and 28 great-grandchildren. I had a Westie

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and she was 12. Called Cassie. I still weep over that dog. This is

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like a shortcake. This week, the media reported on a day that

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signalled real change as all eyes were on America. Donald Trump takes

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his oath of office and is now the 45th president of the United States.

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In a blunt and outspoken speech when he said power will be returned to

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the people and his priority was clear. You came by the tens of

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millions to become part of an historic movement, the likes of

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which the world has never seen before. There was nobody there. What

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is that white for? That is called empty. We will bring back our jobs.

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We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we

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will bring back our dreams. Trump's inauguration and the size of the

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crowd in attendance dominated. -- dominated the national press. There

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were stately images across the front pages. America first. First. It's

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like a weird dream. From where it started, and that is it. He is in.

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Told you. Nobody can do anything about it now. When Trump was making

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his speech, and he was making comments about the gracious of

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banners -- Obamas and Michelle. He did not mean it. All of a sudden

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went to big him up. I can imagine Mr Obama may be thinking, yes, you

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2-faced son of a camel. When the jobs don't start coming forward...

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They are not going to come, are they? Brighter mend than him have

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tried it. You cannot lead by bullying. That is what he is trying

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to do. When you do start, it is a dictatorship. He is an elitist. He

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is not. The elitist had a face on them at the inauguration. Those

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elite you are talking about are the elitist. If they were elitist, they

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would not be unhappy. He built casinos and hotels. He is a

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billionaire put that he said he was going to grab women by who knows

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where. The word you are looking for is successful. The elites form

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presidents. They are like Hillary Clinton who feel it is a divine

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right to be the next president or in office. They are the elitists. They

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were unhappy that Donald Trump was on board because he is not one of

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them. You have George Bush thinking, thank God for this. Someone bigger

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than me is in the position. No one ever thought that someone thicker

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than George Bush would get in. He was a bit thick, wasn't he? It

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must've been an ordeal for Clinton to be there, losing to him. She did

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not look happy at all. She is going to an event to celebrate a job she

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did not get and the person closest to her, to reassure her and tell it

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will be OK if a person who has already have that job. She must be

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thinking, where can I go? Do you know what I mean? He has got the job

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and I want the job. I do not think it will affect our lives, do you?

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No. I think Donald Trump will make a bloody good president. He will turn

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the tables. He will perform miracles. He is a businessman and he

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will run the country like a business. Do not forget he shafted a

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lot of people in his business. America has such a massive

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immigration issue. I went to New York. I stood at the border. There

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was a border control agents that behind a desk. He said, is it

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business or pleasure? He said, when are you leaving? I said, the 3rd of

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January. He said, make sure you do. Make sure you do. That was my

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welcome to America. When are you leaving? Make sure you do. And she

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and husband Jerry run dry cleaners in Glasgow. What is on the agenda

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tomorrow? Up in the morning and straight to work. Past customers

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have included Robbie Williams, Elton John, and even Pavarotti. I don't

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know who's that is. Ticket number 81 25. Are you sure it is not your

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mother's? This week the papers and social media reported the results of

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an eye opening seven which revealed how different the men and women deal

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with stress. Women raid the biscuit tin and men are more likely to have

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sex or watch pornography. Sex to cope with stress while women eat,

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research finds. Hashed tag LOL. Do you ever get stressed? I do get

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stressed, actually. Tell me anybody you does not get stressed but you're

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joking. I never get stressed. Do you believe it could be true that when

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men get stressed doing they need more sex? I'm sure it could be true.

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I think it could be as well. That's all men think about, isn't it?

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That's just men doing what men want to do nothing to do with stress. Do

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think that is meant's answer to everything, sex? No, it is not. It

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is a great help. Everyone gets stressed to a certain amount. I get

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stressed in queues at the airport. I get stressed. I do. I am not going

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say to Doreen, let's find a place round the back. When I stressed, I

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clean the house and do the floors. Just clean. And then have cups of

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tea. I have actually seen myself in here getting so stressed out. I'll

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have a cup of tea and maybe I'll go out and buy the cheese and onion

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toastie. Then I'll come back in and have a packet of McCoys crisps. Then

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come back out and have another cup of tea but this is me getting

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stressed. This is the first time I have actually spoke about it. I am a

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comfort eater. I look after myself. You wouldn't tell. I am a comfort

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eater. What do you eat when you are stressed? I know you eat. Would you

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eat anything that is in the fridge? You like chocolate cakes, don't you?

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Just the cakes. Yeah, the new ones. The spongy ones. I'd just get a good

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book and sit and read if I feel a bit off. There we are then. Do you

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like the romance? That is your sex taken care of. All the fiction

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books. Do you talk to your girlfriends and

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things? Not about sex. Oh, gosh. We talk about all sorts. Don't you talk

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to your girlfriends about that? I said, no. We all love nookie. My mum

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says nookie. Why do you say Mickey? It is just polite. Hey, do you want

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Nikita Knight? My mum said, leg over. --

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nookie tonight. I did not know what leg over meant. I do like a Victoria

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sponge, an old-fashioned Victoria sponge. Francis and father David

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have been friends for over 40 years. Francis owns Rolls-Royce and takes

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tea at the Ritz most Saturdays. This wine is a 2011 cabernet Sauvignon

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from Washington State. To be honest, it is too peppery and it is too

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young. I say it is too young. Yesterday in London the news was

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then. The decision was made on the future of Brexit. The Government

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loses its appeal at the Supreme Court. Only Parliament has the power

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to trigger the Brexit process. Theresa May has lost. The power is

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in her hands and they can make her sweat. The Supreme Court rules that

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the Government cannot trigger Article 50 without an act of

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Parliament authorising it to so do. You have to get everyone in

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Parliament to do that. They do not like work, D-Day, these MPs. -- do

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they. That was a waste of time for Theresa May. You are right. We will

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give all the MPs the opportunity to vote on when to trigger it. She has

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got the majority. She could have been honest. The boat is irrelevant.

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I am the Government and all these people behind me, my MPs club going

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to vote as I say. They did not say this in the first place. They did

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not know what Article 50 was. That is a stumbling block before we go

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any further. We understand what you are saying. Pass the tape machine,

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will you? Do you think Mrs May should be able to get on with the

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process without Parliament interfering or should Parliament

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interfere all the way through? We elect representatives to represent

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us in Parliament and they must check on executive. Theresa May is

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behaving like a tyrant. It has gone tips up for Theresa May. I bet she

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is kicking herself. I bet she is having a tub of ice cream right now.

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It is not an easy life, this game, any more. Have you seen this?

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NARRATOR: This week there will work reports that three times Olivier

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award winner Patrick Stewart was to star in a new film. What is he

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playing? Anna May Oji -- a emoji. And I said, I am melting here, this

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is such load of... Oh, go ahead, finish that sentence. It isn't just

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him, there are other actors as well. All talking poos? Know, some are

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other things. I can't believe it. I can't believe it, he must be hard up

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at home, he must be short of money. The guys educated, he is a top film

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star, he is not any silly little man, he has made his money, maybe

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this doesn't bother him, like it would bother some people, would it

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bother you to become a star and then all of a sudden become a little

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poos? So, a bunch of emojis come to life and they are running about in a

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phone, phone is only small, how much can they run about? I know. Give

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them credit, how do you make a film out of that? You would run out of

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ideas. I said, have you seen this film about the to? Is it Peter pooh?

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When is this film coming out. I think they are just making it. I

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will go, and I will treat you. And I will put on the phone, meet me

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at the movies. And we will go and see The Emoji Movie. And when I

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don't turn up, you will know I haven't understood it! What do you

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do with that emoji? I just send it to my mum. You know, I'm all right,

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fist bump. How many times do you do that? You know, the emoji fist pump!

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She will understand it. Jonathan and Jonny were made to school and have

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been assessed with playing dominoes. Do you want to do grabber granny?

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Jonny works in the supermarket, and his team leader for dry goods. I am

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so single. I am the most single man. And then you watch Jeremy Kyle in

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the morning, and there is a lad that comes out, and he hasn't had a bath

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the six weeks, and he has about six of them on the go, and I think, what

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is wrong? That is written all over. I don't know what it is. Yours is

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your attitude. NARRATOR: This week, the newspapers

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were crammed with reports that the CIA have been made to release

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classified historic documents. The records range from intelligence

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briefings and research papers to reports on a flying saucers and

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recipes for invisible ink. The Telegraph told us how one document

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from 1973 revealed they had tested psychic spoon bender Uri Geller in

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the hope that they could used his powers. One test was a person

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drawing a picture in one room such as this, and then Uri Geller would

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draw a picture himself in another room. Telekinesis. The CIA put two

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men in a room, they put Uri Geller in another room, and they said to

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Uri Geller, can you figure out what these two guys are drawing? And V

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Stu CIA men drew a picture of the fruit, I think it was a bunch of

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blackcurrant grapes. He got that picture almost identical to what

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they had done. He is good. Who is Uri Geller? He is a kind of psychic

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person. He can use the power of the mind to bend spoons, he is a spoon

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bender. In terms of usefulness to humanity, the ability to bend spoons

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seems to be rather minimal, doesn't it? If people had bent spoons and he

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could straighten them, that would be far more useful! If you concentrate

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on a spoon, really concentrate, and your mind concentrates on it, the

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spoon can bend. I have seen it on television. There you go. And I have

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also seen him make a Scottish football player miss a penalty

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against single. He was in a helicopter above Wembley. He made

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the ball move. I once saw him in an airport, you know. He got a spoon

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from the airport cafeteria, antidepressant it. We saw him do it.

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What struck me about him mostly, he is so painfully thin. Uri Geller,

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obviously, he must be loving every minute of this. He is back in the

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limelight, back in the news, the CIA must be going off their head. Was it

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Nixon's time all of that? I suppose so, seventies. And he was a bit

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wacky, wasn't he? The height of the Cold War, where the president is a

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little nervous about what the Russians are doing, someone comes in

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and says, we have got this under control, oh great. You know Uri

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Geller off the telly, we have got him on board, the one that can bend

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spoons. You are filling me with confidence now! I wouldn't trust him

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to open a bottle of -- box of matches. On the outrage to suggest

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that that is no good. I am Team Donald after that, if they are

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relying on Uri Geller to save the world, then Donald Trump is right.

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NARRATOR: Brandon and Tony are second cousins and workers nail

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technicians. Tony loves Justin Bieber and Liverpool football club.

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How can you one week beat Manchester city and then lose to Swansea at

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home? That is daft. What are you reading? Just reading about Boris,

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he is on a motorbike. This week, the press had a field day with our

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Foreign Secretary, with one paper mockingly showing him as Steve

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McQueen in the Great Escape. Boris Johnson is on the front of many of

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this morning's papers. Dear old Boris. This followed comments he

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made accusing some European leaders wanted to punish the EU. Boris

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Johnson under attack for appearing to compare the French Government to

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the Nazis for those. If Mr Hollande wants to offer punishment beatings

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to anyone who wants to escape in the manner of some World War II movie...

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I thought when he became Foreign Secretary, it might shut him up, but

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it hasn't. The other thing he has, he has used the word, you know,

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escape from the EU. Like we are escaping something. Even I can find

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a better word than that. Just to leave his find. Just give us our own

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space, it's not escape, like some prison, do you know what I mean?

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Boris Johnson has got a point about the French. You know he is right

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about Brexit, pulling out, all that, but to come across with that

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statement is beyond me, don't you think so? Maybe he shouldn't have

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said it, but I don't make him wrong for saying it. This rail? ?25. You

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never know what is happening behind closed doors, she might want to get

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that message out, so she has to send the poster boy, the carrier pigeon.

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He doesn't care. And he turns up with his rucksack to negotiate

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Brexit. That is him, a well educated man, and eating boy. It Eton, not

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eating. That's what I said! No, you didn't. Well, he is Eton educated,

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and he comes out with these gaffes. The French are still touchy about

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being occupied, word they? If you are saying that about the French

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Prime Minister, what will you say about when he is? Imagine saying it

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about the German Prime Minister, that would be even worse, wouldn't

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it? Move that paper. Donald Trump's press domination continued this week

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with his first order of business as president being to wage war on the

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media. You know I have a running war with the media. They are among the

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most dishonest human beings on earth. It is all ticket off already.

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What the president is in a rage about our suggestions that the

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crowds we were not as big as they were for Barack Obama eight years

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ago, even though the evidence is controverted bull, as these two

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photos, each taken 45 minutes before the inauguration started, made

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plain. Mr Trump's spokesman Sean Spicer has clashed with reporters at

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his first White House briefing. Photographs were intentionally

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framed in a way to minimise the enormous support that had gathered

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on the national maul. This was the largest audience to ever witness and

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inauguration, period. There has been a lot of talk in the media about the

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responsibility to hold Donald Trump accountable, and it goes two ways.

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We will hold the press accountable as well.

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NARRATOR: Thankfully, an extraordinary interview cleared up

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the whole matter. USA it is a falsehood, and they are giving our

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press secretary, he gave alternative factor that. Wait. Alternative

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facts? ! I think it went well, biggest turnout ever. That is an

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alternative fact there! It makes it look really desperate,

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to send your press secretary out despite of how many was there. He's

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just a deadline and aggressive, I know it is not believable, but if

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you don't believe me, I will punch you, so just believe me! There was

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loads of people there! What they should have done is inaugurated

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through Twitter, because he has more followers through that. He looked

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pretty mad, Sean Spicer. I'm surprised you didn't throw things at

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people. All he had to do was just go out and say, I know you are

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interested about the viewing figures for the inauguration yesterday, we

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are not going to talk about them, but what we will talk about is the

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fact that he won the majority of the electoral college votes, and now he

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is our president, and that is a great thing for America. And

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together, we will make America great again. I then walk out! He will go

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on like this. It is smoke and mirrors, what do you believe?

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Everyday, explaining how the press have got it wrong, how Mr Trump has

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got it right. The proper terminology is it is not a lie, it is an

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alternative fact! That shows you that they think the public is

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stupid. Don't you think it is quite alarming now that the President's

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spokesperson now needs a spokesperson? The first day there,

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word as he had for? The CIA office. Never been done by any other

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president, but has always been months ahead. Do you remember the

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way he slated the CIA? That's a guy who speaks with a forked tongue. 180

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degrees turn on him, now they are the best thing since sliced bread.

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Somebody just switches. As I said before, he has to get on their side.

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He cannot be opposed to the CIA. He has realised, look where I am. All I

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have been saying. But that just shows you what he is. What is he? A

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2-faced liar. To break someone physically... Agh!

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..is not a problem. Nectar of the gods, I'm telling you.

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Thank you, Colonel.

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Fast turnaround comedy series voiced by Gavin & Stacey's Ruth Jones. It features a regular cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discussing the news from that week - from major breaking stories to the most bizarre headlines.

Amongst the cast are a couple of East End market traders, dinner ladies from Leeds, Mancunian male nail technicians, Brummie butchers, Scottish launderette owners, supermarket co-workers and three great-grandmothers from Hull.

Topics include Trump's inauguration and first day in office, stress sex, Boris's gaffe, The Emoji Movie, the CIA and the Brexit Supreme Court ruling.