Episode 3 Common Sense

Great Britain. Boris Johnson comes under attack for appearing to

compare the French government to the Nazis. The world is laughing at us

with him being Foreign Minister. They are laughing at us. Of all the

people to have that role, you might as well give it to Honey G. This

week, the world's news was astonishing. Donald Trump is

president of the United States. This is your day, your celebration. This,

the United States of America, is your country. From debate, to

division product to disturbances on the streets. I think all the

Americans think, what the hell? Theresa May says she has absolute

faith in Britain's nuclear deterrent despite claims of a test firing

going wrong. The Sunday Times says an unarmed rocket veered in the

direction of the United States. The Prime Minister declined to say

whether she knew of the incident. Is she did know it, why didn't she tell

us? Apparently she was asked about four times. Now, the voices of

reason get their say. First night in the White House got awkward. You

know why Chris Ray does not anyone. Don't trust touch me, don't Kiss me.

They might even sleep in separate rooms. Can't be caught having the

key on camera. What if that goes viral? And bring some common sense

to what has been occurring this week.

Have you had your haircut? It does look nice. When it is shorter, it is

easier to manage. Alice, Sheila and Phyllis are keen keep fitters. They

have 20 grandchildren and 28 great-grandchildren. I had a Westie

and she was 12. Called Cassie. I still weep over that dog. This is

like a shortcake. This week, the media reported on a day that

signalled real change as all eyes were on America. Donald Trump takes

his oath of office and is now the 45th president of the United States.

In a blunt and outspoken speech when he said power will be returned to

the people and his priority was clear. You came by the tens of

millions to become part of an historic movement, the likes of

which the world has never seen before. There was nobody there. What

is that white for? That is called empty. We will bring back our jobs.

We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we

will bring back our dreams. Trump's inauguration and the size of the

crowd in attendance dominated. -- dominated the national press. There

were stately images across the front pages. America first. First. It's

like a weird dream. From where it started, and that is it. He is in.

Told you. Nobody can do anything about it now. When Trump was making

his speech, and he was making comments about the gracious of

banners -- Obamas and Michelle. He did not mean it. All of a sudden

went to big him up. I can imagine Mr Obama may be thinking, yes, you

2-faced son of a camel. When the jobs don't start coming forward...

They are not going to come, are they? Brighter mend than him have

tried it. You cannot lead by bullying. That is what he is trying

to do. When you do start, it is a dictatorship. He is an elitist. He

is not. The elitist had a face on them at the inauguration. Those

elite you are talking about are the elitist. If they were elitist, they

would not be unhappy. He built casinos and hotels. He is a

billionaire put that he said he was going to grab women by who knows

where. The word you are looking for is successful. The elites form

presidents. They are like Hillary Clinton who feel it is a divine

right to be the next president or in office. They are the elitists. They

were unhappy that Donald Trump was on board because he is not one of

them. You have George Bush thinking, thank God for this. Someone bigger

than me is in the position. No one ever thought that someone thicker

than George Bush would get in. He was a bit thick, wasn't he? It

must've been an ordeal for Clinton to be there, losing to him. She did

not look happy at all. She is going to an event to celebrate a job she

did not get and the person closest to her, to reassure her and tell it

will be OK if a person who has already have that job. She must be

thinking, where can I go? Do you know what I mean? He has got the job

and I want the job. I do not think it will affect our lives, do you?

No. I think Donald Trump will make a bloody good president. He will turn

the tables. He will perform miracles. He is a businessman and he

will run the country like a business. Do not forget he shafted a

lot of people in his business. America has such a massive

immigration issue. I went to New York. I stood at the border. There

was a border control agents that behind a desk. He said, is it

business or pleasure? He said, when are you leaving? I said, the 3rd of

January. He said, make sure you do. Make sure you do. That was my

welcome to America. When are you leaving? Make sure you do. And she

and husband Jerry run dry cleaners in Glasgow. What is on the agenda

tomorrow? Up in the morning and straight to work. Past customers

have included Robbie Williams, Elton John, and even Pavarotti. I don't

know who's that is. Ticket number 81 25. Are you sure it is not your

mother's? This week the papers and social media reported the results of

an eye opening seven which revealed how different the men and women deal

with stress. Women raid the biscuit tin and men are more likely to have

sex or watch pornography. Sex to cope with stress while women eat,

research finds. Hashed tag LOL. Do you ever get stressed? I do get

stressed, actually. Tell me anybody you does not get stressed but you're

joking. I never get stressed. Do you believe it could be true that when

men get stressed doing they need more sex? I'm sure it could be true.

I think it could be as well. That's all men think about, isn't it?

That's just men doing what men want to do nothing to do with stress. Do

think that is meant's answer to everything, sex? No, it is not. It

is a great help. Everyone gets stressed to a certain amount. I get

stressed in queues at the airport. I get stressed. I do. I am not going

say to Doreen, let's find a place round the back. When I stressed, I

clean the house and do the floors. Just clean. And then have cups of

tea. I have actually seen myself in here getting so stressed out. I'll

have a cup of tea and maybe I'll go out and buy the cheese and onion

toastie. Then I'll come back in and have a packet of McCoys crisps. Then

come back out and have another cup of tea but this is me getting

stressed. This is the first time I have actually spoke about it. I am a

comfort eater. I look after myself. You wouldn't tell. I am a comfort

eater. What do you eat when you are stressed? I know you eat. Would you

eat anything that is in the fridge? You like chocolate cakes, don't you?

Just the cakes. Yeah, the new ones. The spongy ones. I'd just get a good

book and sit and read if I feel a bit off. There we are then. Do you

like the romance? That is your sex taken care of. All the fiction

books. Do you talk to your girlfriends and

things? Not about sex. Oh, gosh. We talk about all sorts. Don't you talk

to your girlfriends about that? I said, no. We all love nookie. My mum

says nookie. Why do you say Mickey? It is just polite. Hey, do you want

Nikita Knight? My mum said, leg over. --

nookie tonight. I did not know what leg over meant. I do like a Victoria

sponge, an old-fashioned Victoria sponge. Francis and father David

have been friends for over 40 years. Francis owns Rolls-Royce and takes

tea at the Ritz most Saturdays. This wine is a 2011 cabernet Sauvignon

from Washington State. To be honest, it is too peppery and it is too

young. I say it is too young. Yesterday in London the news was

then. The decision was made on the future of Brexit. The Government

loses its appeal at the Supreme Court. Only Parliament has the power

to trigger the Brexit process. Theresa May has lost. The power is

in her hands and they can make her sweat. The Supreme Court rules that

the Government cannot trigger Article 50 without an act of

Parliament authorising it to so do. You have to get everyone in

Parliament to do that. They do not like work, D-Day, these MPs. -- do

they. That was a waste of time for Theresa May. You are right. We will

give all the MPs the opportunity to vote on when to trigger it. She has

got the majority. She could have been honest. The boat is irrelevant.

I am the Government and all these people behind me, my MPs club going

to vote as I say. They did not say this in the first place. They did

not know what Article 50 was. That is a stumbling block before we go

any further. We understand what you are saying. Pass the tape machine,

will you? Do you think Mrs May should be able to get on with the

process without Parliament interfering or should Parliament

interfere all the way through? We elect representatives to represent

us in Parliament and they must check on executive. Theresa May is

behaving like a tyrant. It has gone tips up for Theresa May. I bet she

is kicking herself. I bet she is having a tub of ice cream right now.

It is not an easy life, this game, any more. Have you seen this?

NARRATOR: This week there will work reports that three times Olivier

award winner Patrick Stewart was to star in a new film. What is he

playing? Anna May Oji -- a emoji. And I said, I am melting here, this

is such load of... Oh, go ahead, finish that sentence. It isn't just

him, there are other actors as well. All talking poos? Know, some are

other things. I can't believe it. I can't believe it, he must be hard up

at home, he must be short of money. The guys educated, he is a top film

star, he is not any silly little man, he has made his money, maybe

this doesn't bother him, like it would bother some people, would it

bother you to become a star and then all of a sudden become a little

poos? So, a bunch of emojis come to life and they are running about in a

phone, phone is only small, how much can they run about? I know. Give

them credit, how do you make a film out of that? You would run out of

ideas. I said, have you seen this film about the to? Is it Peter pooh?

When is this film coming out. I think they are just making it. I

will go, and I will treat you. And I will put on the phone, meet me

at the movies. And we will go and see The Emoji Movie. And when I

don't turn up, you will know I haven't understood it! What do you

do with that emoji? I just send it to my mum. You know, I'm all right,

fist bump. How many times do you do that? You know, the emoji fist pump!

She will understand it. Jonathan and Jonny were made to school and have

been assessed with playing dominoes. Do you want to do grabber granny?

Jonny works in the supermarket, and his team leader for dry goods. I am

so single. I am the most single man. And then you watch Jeremy Kyle in

the morning, and there is a lad that comes out, and he hasn't had a bath

the six weeks, and he has about six of them on the go, and I think, what

is wrong? That is written all over. I don't know what it is. Yours is

your attitude. NARRATOR: This week, the newspapers

were crammed with reports that the CIA have been made to release

classified historic documents. The records range from intelligence

briefings and research papers to reports on a flying saucers and

recipes for invisible ink. The Telegraph told us how one document

from 1973 revealed they had tested psychic spoon bender Uri Geller in

the hope that they could used his powers. One test was a person

drawing a picture in one room such as this, and then Uri Geller would

draw a picture himself in another room. Telekinesis. The CIA put two

men in a room, they put Uri Geller in another room, and they said to

Uri Geller, can you figure out what these two guys are drawing? And V

Stu CIA men drew a picture of the fruit, I think it was a bunch of

blackcurrant grapes. He got that picture almost identical to what

they had done. He is good. Who is Uri Geller? He is a kind of psychic

person. He can use the power of the mind to bend spoons, he is a spoon

bender. In terms of usefulness to humanity, the ability to bend spoons

seems to be rather minimal, doesn't it? If people had bent spoons and he

could straighten them, that would be far more useful! If you concentrate

on a spoon, really concentrate, and your mind concentrates on it, the

spoon can bend. I have seen it on television. There you go. And I have

also seen him make a Scottish football player miss a penalty

against single. He was in a helicopter above Wembley. He made

the ball move. I once saw him in an airport, you know. He got a spoon

from the airport cafeteria, antidepressant it. We saw him do it.

What struck me about him mostly, he is so painfully thin. Uri Geller,

obviously, he must be loving every minute of this. He is back in the

limelight, back in the news, the CIA must be going off their head. Was it

Nixon's time all of that? I suppose so, seventies. And he was a bit

wacky, wasn't he? The height of the Cold War, where the president is a

little nervous about what the Russians are doing, someone comes in

and says, we have got this under control, oh great. You know Uri

Geller off the telly, we have got him on board, the one that can bend

spoons. You are filling me with confidence now! I wouldn't trust him

to open a bottle of -- box of matches. On the outrage to suggest

that that is no good. I am Team Donald after that, if they are

relying on Uri Geller to save the world, then Donald Trump is right.

NARRATOR: Brandon and Tony are second cousins and workers nail

technicians. Tony loves Justin Bieber and Liverpool football club.

How can you one week beat Manchester city and then lose to Swansea at

home? That is daft. What are you reading? Just reading about Boris,

he is on a motorbike. This week, the press had a field day with our

Foreign Secretary, with one paper mockingly showing him as Steve

McQueen in the Great Escape. Boris Johnson is on the front of many of

this morning's papers. Dear old Boris. This followed comments he

made accusing some European leaders wanted to punish the EU. Boris

Johnson under attack for appearing to compare the French Government to

the Nazis for those. If Mr Hollande wants to offer punishment beatings

to anyone who wants to escape in the manner of some World War II movie...

I thought when he became Foreign Secretary, it might shut him up, but

it hasn't. The other thing he has, he has used the word, you know,

escape from the EU. Like we are escaping something. Even I can find

a better word than that. Just to leave his find. Just give us our own

space, it's not escape, like some prison, do you know what I mean?

Boris Johnson has got a point about the French. You know he is right

about Brexit, pulling out, all that, but to come across with that

statement is beyond me, don't you think so? Maybe he shouldn't have

said it, but I don't make him wrong for saying it. This rail? ?25. You

never know what is happening behind closed doors, she might want to get

that message out, so she has to send the poster boy, the carrier pigeon.

He doesn't care. And he turns up with his rucksack to negotiate

Brexit. That is him, a well educated man, and eating boy. It Eton, not

eating. That's what I said! No, you didn't. Well, he is Eton educated,

and he comes out with these gaffes. The French are still touchy about

being occupied, word they? If you are saying that about the French

Prime Minister, what will you say about when he is? Imagine saying it

about the German Prime Minister, that would be even worse, wouldn't

it? Move that paper. Donald Trump's press domination continued this week

with his first order of business as president being to wage war on the

media. You know I have a running war with the media. They are among the

most dishonest human beings on earth. It is all ticket off already.

What the president is in a rage about our suggestions that the

crowds we were not as big as they were for Barack Obama eight years

ago, even though the evidence is controverted bull, as these two

photos, each taken 45 minutes before the inauguration started, made

plain. Mr Trump's spokesman Sean Spicer has clashed with reporters at

his first White House briefing. Photographs were intentionally

framed in a way to minimise the enormous support that had gathered

on the national maul. This was the largest audience to ever witness and

inauguration, period. There has been a lot of talk in the media about the

responsibility to hold Donald Trump accountable, and it goes two ways.

We will hold the press accountable as well.

NARRATOR: Thankfully, an extraordinary interview cleared up

the whole matter. USA it is a falsehood, and they are giving our

press secretary, he gave alternative factor that. Wait. Alternative

facts? ! I think it went well, biggest turnout ever. That is an

alternative fact there! It makes it look really desperate,

to send your press secretary out despite of how many was there. He's

just a deadline and aggressive, I know it is not believable, but if

you don't believe me, I will punch you, so just believe me! There was

loads of people there! What they should have done is inaugurated

through Twitter, because he has more followers through that. He looked

pretty mad, Sean Spicer. I'm surprised you didn't throw things at

people. All he had to do was just go out and say, I know you are

interested about the viewing figures for the inauguration yesterday, we

are not going to talk about them, but what we will talk about is the

fact that he won the majority of the electoral college votes, and now he

is our president, and that is a great thing for America. And

together, we will make America great again. I then walk out! He will go

on like this. It is smoke and mirrors, what do you believe?

Everyday, explaining how the press have got it wrong, how Mr Trump has

got it right. The proper terminology is it is not a lie, it is an

alternative fact! That shows you that they think the public is

stupid. Don't you think it is quite alarming now that the President's

spokesperson now needs a spokesperson? The first day there,

word as he had for? The CIA office. Never been done by any other

president, but has always been months ahead. Do you remember the

way he slated the CIA? That's a guy who speaks with a forked tongue. 180

degrees turn on him, now they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Somebody just switches. As I said before, he has to get on their side.

He cannot be opposed to the CIA. He has realised, look where I am. All I

have been saying. But that just shows you what he is. What is he? A

2-faced liar. To break someone physically... Agh!

..is not a problem. Nectar of the gods, I'm telling you.

Thank you, Colonel.