Episode 4 Common Sense

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Great Britain. There have been protests in towns and cities across


Britain. Donald Trump says his ban on foreign nationals... They're all


calls for his visit to be called off. As a Scottish Muslim family


living here in Britain, even for us it's frightening. NEWSREADER: Labour


criticised the Conservative Party. An online petition to the visit has


attracted more than 1.5 million names. Won't even get an invite to


Buckingham Palace and now Trump is there. The president and by Minister


-- Prime Minister. We need mates, we need our guys to back us up because


the Europeans aren't going to do it. Where do we go to? China? No. What


do you say to the viewers at home who are worried about your views and


about you becoming the leader of the free world? This was your choice of


question? The most important question she said was at the


beginning, do you think that Theresa May has criticised you and did so,


what did she say? Leave it there. But it was like, this is my


platform, I'll get a job if I put the question right. She put too much


into the Western which became longer -- cheaper too much into the


question. She wants to be an anchor. Father David takes three sermons


every Sunday. You know what I had for supper? Fishcakes. Ooh. Francis


is a critic and travels the world. I had black truffle risotto and then


roast guinea foul and cheeses. It was an ordinary day-to-day meal. All


right, that's interesting. There was an astonishing report in the press


this week. Have you seen that? No! You're going to go when you're going


to go. Atomic scientists have moved the minute hand of the Doomsday


clock forward 30 seconds. Not very nice news, is it? No, it isn't.


Silly propaganda. How close they feel the world is to total


destruction. I'm going to get the first rocket out of here. The


metaphorical clock sits at two Andy Hodd minutes to midnight, suggesting


humanities cozy -- humanity is closer to destruction than ever. --


two minutes before midnight. What is midnight? The world


explodes? Exactly, what is going to happen at that point in time? It


isn't an actual clock. What do you mean? It isn't on someone's wall.


There must be a clock that they have two update. Does it tick and tock?


Do they physically move it? It doesn't take and tock. The


scientists move the hands up and back. There is no mechanism. It's


the shape of a clock for us to try and understand. How big? I haven't


got a clue. The year 2000 was supposed to be the end of the world.


Wasn't it, yeah? That was a crank. And nothing happened. Justified in


people, that's all. That's right. We are two and a half minutes away from


it. We were three. From what? Disaster, it is a Doomsday clock! I


thought in Geneva there was a clock with all of these boffins studying


headlines from the Guardian and deciding to take off a view more


seconds. I'm astonished and disgusted. How do I know there's


going to be a disaster to put 30 seconds on the clock? That's why we


are butchers, I haven't got a clue. These scientists. You have 30


seconds left, how do you come up with that? What is the calculation


of it? What's the equation? There must be a formula, Trump, plus


Putin, divided by North Korea, divided by South Korea and we are


two minutes closer. Yeah, I think you should have squared Putin. What


you've done, you've divided him. We'll do it again. Trump, divided by


Putin, the square root of China. Shouldn't we throw in Theresa May? I


don't think she's relevant. No point having her back in. No. Doomsday's


coming, two and a half minutes, go, what are you going to do? Two


minutes 20 now, come on! Rob a bank. Why would you do that? I don't know!


Don't you want to talk to anyone, call anyone? Make love to anyone?


No. I can't make love, can I? I can. In two and a half minutes? Do you


think if you phone 123 and it was the Doomsday 123 it would say


something like, at the third stroke, packed all your bags and go


somewhere high, get some shelter? No, wouldn't want to create panic,


it would be very upbeat. So it would let everybody die? Thank you for


calling the Doomsday hotline, you are ten seconds away from death,


your call is important to us. Please hold. This week, newspaper and


online articles revelled in an revealing survey suggesting we are


happier when we are in the nude. I like clothes and if God didn't mean


us to wear clothes, he wouldn't have allowed them to be invented by Adam


and Eve. Fig leaves. The public? Yeah. Don't mind being naked but


look at the toenails. That's important. Are you comfortable


naked? Not really, no. Not after Christmas. Depends, doesn't it. Give


it four is and I'll be all right. -- four months. I think it's a load of


rubbish. Any bird naked is a bird naked, so why would you be unhappy?


There was that naked beach near Bridlington, you know. Yeah row.


I have swum in a Swedish lake and it was the coldest swim I've ever had.


Without the benefit of a costume? Indeed, yes. There was nobody there,


just me, the lake, the woods. God is always there. Indeed, yes. If


everybody did, you'd soon get used to it, seeing other people.


Surprisingly to get used to, you know. Yeah. Being naked? Yeah, just


imagine a world where there were no clothes. Yeah but how would you are


carrying shopping bags? With me, I would miss my pockets, you know what


I'm saying, you put everything in your pockets. Don't you agree? Tell


you what I do with my phone sometimes, I put it up here because


it will stick. If you are a bit more is when you get out of the bath, not


mucky, but moist, it will stick to my shoulder. Have you done that


before? No, I've never stuck my phone to my moist shoulder. Right,


it's time to update the dos and don'ts list. Nail technicians


Brandon and Tony run a tight ship. They manicure more than 1000 nails a


week. The rules we have, right, they come in, like the other day, one of


them getting her nails done, two prams. You've got to go hang on,


hang on, you can't all come in here. What do you want me to say to them?


Get out? Just points to that. Can't stand prams.


This week, newspaper reports had unusual images of two world leaders


in the midst of forging a very special relationship. She looks


pleased. Yeah. It's been a success. I think we're going to get along


very well. Interesting, I am a people person and I think you are


all so. He calls her the wrong name. Even world leaders need a hand now


and again. The president and by Minister classed as they made their


way down the steps -- Prime Minister.


She has got Bafta phobia. Never heard of it. Our Prime Minister, hot


putting it over to America to meet him in the White House, the Oval


room, it is a disgrace. Even the President of Mexico has cancelled


his visit to Trump. Theresa May over there, it's nice to become the first


person. She congratulated him on his stunning win. Oh, yeah. Well, it was


stunning, it's none of the world, didn't it? When she came out with


the stunning victories, did you see him? Looked like he'd been given a


cream cake, know what I mean? Like he had won the pools. Looks like it


went very well. The conference, smashed that. They walked out and I


don't know if it was intentional but he grabbed her hand. You don't hold


hands, you would study her elbow. But you wouldn't hold her hand. The


whole world was watching. And I was watching. I think it looked a bit...


When you look at the action, it was more of a wrist lock. I don't think


she knew he was going to hold onto her hand. I don't think so. The way


he's holding her hand. But then again, have you heard, he is scared


of sex. Apparently there is a term for this, if you have a fear of


something they will give it a term. The grope slope. Apparently there is


a severe incline. Wouldn't touch her. He's not going to touch her


legs, is he? You hold her hand, that's it, in case she tumbles. In


the White House, right, they kept spelling her name wrong, you know.


How do you mean? When Donald called her Teresa, they didn't put the


letter H in. They misspelled it quite a few times. Oh, right, I


thought it was the American accent. Teresa May is a pawn star in


America. Don't ask me how I know. The funny thing is I can't wait for


Sean Spicer to come out next week and say that they did not spell her


name wrong, that is an alternative fact. Here is the actual sheet that


shows how it was doctored. He will Pollap be say that they spoke to


Theresa May and on reflection she got it wrong, she shouldn't have


been spelling it with the H, she spoke with the president on the


telephone so this should be brushed under the carpet. Teresa does not


have an H in. We got married in 1990. I had hair at that time. And I


was thin and that time. Only a size six. Size eight. This couple had


been married for 27 years and they run a busy dry cleaners in Glasgow.


Hope we not going to see your mother tonight. I'm quite busy tonight.


Show our faces. I think we'll just leave it. I'm waiting for the phone


to go. Your mother then. Let it go, I'm not bothered too much, I'll


handle the call, it's fine. Are you sure you can handle that? Don't you


worry about that. Apparently it is oestrogen. There was an illuminating


report in the newspapers this week suggesting that experts now have the


proof that women are better at multitasking Paire men. -- than men.


A professor once said, why can't a woman be more like a man? We've all


ask that. Only women can do it, as I have been


told for many years, only women can do it. Yes. You have never


multitasked in your life, you think one thing at a time, you have a one


track brain. No, I can drive the Rolls-Royce and also think very


unpleasant things about the other drivers on the road.


Look at me, for example, I am doing five or six things. At the same


time. I have a sharp eye watching those girls in here and watching the


staff members and the girls at the back. And picking out people's


mistakes, you are good at that. My mum always says to me, you either


watched the TV or you are on the phone, you cannot do both. I say, I


am. No, it is won or the other. Then she goes on the phone and watches


the telly and she says, I am watching that.


She is a woman and can do both. When women are in Labour, they have to


talk to their husbands, nine times out of ten they swear at their


husbands, they talk to the nurses and they swear. That is


multitasking. It isn't multitasking! Of course it is. And who takes the


sweat from your brow? Just don't go that! What other man would get a


sanitary towel to mop the woman's brow, only you! You have to get it


how all the mop your brow, that was the only thing that was there!


48 plus 32. 70. Yes, you still paused, it is bang, bang, bang. No,


I am not Carol Vorderman! A woman would have had that built by now.


No, she would not. Trump would have me on board. 252 plus 102. 354. Yes!


Why would you have done that? If you give me a tenor in change. Of


course I can love. One strange story in the papers and


online this week reported that US scientists have proven that human


cells can be grown within a pig. Do you know what they are doing,


they are playing God. Moving one step closer to growing organs for


transplant. Good idea, isn't it? The complicated


procedure involves injecting human stem cells into pig embryos.


Oh, dear, I don't agree with all that. Neither do I.


Would you say you were to take the heart of a pig if you needed one? I


don't think so. Even if it was life or death? I wouldn't do it. If you


needed a transplant, you would not care where it came from, as long as


you did not turn into a pig in the fullness of time.


You know when you become a donor, your DNA has to match with the


person you give it to. Hopefully, if they find one, yes. What happens if


they do not find one? That goes to waste. No, they are breeding the


pics for it. So you need a heart transplant and I am sure you would


be happy to take one from a little pig. It depends what side of the


coin you are on. I am not bothered, my mum says I need a trough to eat


anyway. Put your dominoes down! If somebody is waiting for the heart


of a pig, human heart. Out of a pig's body. Presuming it works and


they take that from the pig and put it into the human, what happens to


the pig that is left with the human organs inside, what happens to the


pig? It is dead! Ken did have this big operation. You


could have one from an animal or mechanical. He chose the animal, a


valve. It was from a bull. Was it? I didn't know they did that, Sheila.


Yes. I would ask. Detail and some basic


special figures on the success of these pig's Hearts, who survived,


how long and what are the chances? Know what I mean? Let's be honest,


you would not say anything because if you need a new major organ, you


are not in a good way. When they say, we need to give you a heart


from a pig, you do not say, I need to check this. I will have to give


some consideration to it. You cannot be that considerate, you have got


hours to live! Tell you what, it is about time they


made a statue for Princess Diana. This week, Princess Diana was all


over the press and online, 20 years after her death.


NEWSREADER: Prince William and Prince Harry have announced plans to


write a statue of their mother. The main memorial has been a statue


in Hyde Park in London. Diana's sister will be on the body


commissioning and raising funds for the statue.


Would you go to visit it elliptically? You have two to pay


your respects. Is a new have to, I haven't been to


be other things, the water park, she had done. -- I say that you have


two. If they can have one for sale, they


can have for her. Absolutely. I hope it will be better than they


have got right now. Have you seen that fountain? That is a load of...


What an insult. What an insult to such a lovely woman. People go to it


and you see them soaking their feet. It doesn't matter, they are soaking


their feet and reflecting and thinking of Diana.


Michael Jackson had one, that didn't go down well and they moved it to


end museum. It looked nothing like him. What if it goes wrong and she


looks like instead of Princess Diana, she looks like... Camilla!


Yes! That don't represent Diana. It is


just a waste of money to me. It is not just to... You can turn up to


see this water feature, all the people with their feet, and you


think, that reminds me of Lady Diana. You know it looks nothing


like her but there has got to be some kind of... This is going to be


a tribute to Theresa May one and all the rest of it, please soak your


feet. -- lady Di. You were looking at me? Yes, I think


it is so wrong. Christina and Winifred, devout


Christians who volunteer at the West Indian community centre in Leeds.


When I go to keep fit and do my aerobics, they do not play gospel


music. I like reggae. Yes, I like reggae music. No, you've gone too


far and you know that! No! You need to have a word with your pastor.


That is completely wrong! Sheila, that always looks nice. Yes,


yes. This week, President Trump signed


Executive orders he said would control the flow of order of people


coming into America. He said work would begin on building the wall


with Mexico first. NEWSREADER: Enrique Pena Nieto said


he would not but the bill. You will be able to see the wall if


you live in Texas in your back garden.


The President of Mexico and myself have agreed to cancel our planned


meeting scheduled for next week. Then he declared a ban on people


coming from seven predominantly Muslim countries.


NEWSREADER: Another sweeping change, a halt on visas for people from


seven mainly Muslim countries. Look at that, Trump's plan takes


effect. This actually, strangely, is what


democracy is about. People say, if you vote for me and I am elected, I


will do an and B and C. He has been elected and he is doing that, this


is democracy. If you have not been in office for a


week and you are making an Executive decision on something so big, you


are dangerous. Of course he is dangerous.


Ironically, Donald Trump is doing what the Brexit based their campaign


on. Controls on borders. He is doing what the Brexiteer is wanted is to


happen, tighter controls of the border. At the moment, Britain would


not be able to do that. Imagine me getting a wall done and


asking you to pay for it. I would not pay a penny. I know, that is


what the Mexicans are going to do. One guy says, pay up. He says, no.


He says, well, I will do this to you. It is like a stand-off. A


Mexican stand-off! Who is going to blink?


It is going to be a long ball, let's face it. 1,000 miles. 1,000 mile


long, who knows how how it is going to go to stop them going over it.


Who are they going to give the job too? That is ridiculous, it will not


be bricks, Nick. What is it going to be, it isn't going to be Lego! How


many people went to our college to do bricklaying? Hundreds. We are a


town of expert bricklayers. We want to keep them bricklayers here


because when Sturgeon gets a way, we will have to build our own!


You have seen the great Wall? That was done thousands of years ago and


it stretches for miles, longer than the one he wants built. Ask them.


Say, you have got a great Wall, build a great Wall over here. They


might do. The people who built that probably will be dead now.


What does he want? I think he just wants Americans. He has banned


Syrian refugees coming to the United States of America. He says, you


can't come here, sorry. You are not allowed in. Where are they coming


from anyway? Syria, where else? They want a wall with Mexican -- Sako,


the Canadians want a wall to keep him in! -- Sako.


I think he looks so good. Look at them.


This week, the papers and internet were awash with joyful images of two


proud looking recipients -- recipients of the Queen's honours.


It is good they are flying the Northern Flag. Doing it for


Newcastle and everyone else. The North East, it is not just about


Newcastle. NEWSREADER: the TV duo are heading


to Buckingham Palace to receive OBE for servicing the broadcasting and


entertainment. I think they deserve it, I will tell


you why, they really funny. And you know what I admire about them? They


have been together such a long time. Very young. And they are still close


and they are funny. They are funny. They must be doing a good job, to


get an OBE. They will give them to Tom and Jerry next!


You know Ant Dec? It is Ant Dec. Today... First of all, it was Dec.


They were that confused. Ant was about to go on stage. Can I stop you


this Mac who is Ant and who is Dec? Who got the award? The little one.


Did they both get one? No, I mean, who held it? I think it was the


little one. Yes, it yes. Next, is it? Ant?


What is the order of the British Empire, you have got me wondering,


what does it really mean? So you have got order, different


orders they sit in. So you have got a member of the British Empire.


So I could have said B. Officer of the British Empire, commander and a


night. You understand? All of those titles sit within an order. It could


be order of the chivalry, different orders. It is confusing. It's


boring! What have you been up to?


Something grubby? I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm


a national treasure! Why settle for a German Europe when


you could have a Scottish world?


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