Episode 4 Common Sense

Great Britain. There have been protests in towns and cities across

Britain. Donald Trump says his ban on foreign nationals... They're all

calls for his visit to be called off. As a Scottish Muslim family

living here in Britain, even for us it's frightening. NEWSREADER: Labour

criticised the Conservative Party. An online petition to the visit has

attracted more than 1.5 million names. Won't even get an invite to

Buckingham Palace and now Trump is there. The president and by Minister

-- Prime Minister. We need mates, we need our guys to back us up because

the Europeans aren't going to do it. Where do we go to? China? No. What

do you say to the viewers at home who are worried about your views and

about you becoming the leader of the free world? This was your choice of

question? The most important question she said was at the

beginning, do you think that Theresa May has criticised you and did so,

what did she say? Leave it there. But it was like, this is my

platform, I'll get a job if I put the question right. She put too much

into the Western which became longer -- cheaper too much into the

question. She wants to be an anchor. Father David takes three sermons

every Sunday. You know what I had for supper? Fishcakes. Ooh. Francis

is a critic and travels the world. I had black truffle risotto and then

roast guinea foul and cheeses. It was an ordinary day-to-day meal. All

right, that's interesting. There was an astonishing report in the press

this week. Have you seen that? No! You're going to go when you're going

to go. Atomic scientists have moved the minute hand of the Doomsday

clock forward 30 seconds. Not very nice news, is it? No, it isn't.

Silly propaganda. How close they feel the world is to total

destruction. I'm going to get the first rocket out of here. The

metaphorical clock sits at two Andy Hodd minutes to midnight, suggesting

humanities cozy -- humanity is closer to destruction than ever. --

two minutes before midnight. What is midnight? The world

explodes? Exactly, what is going to happen at that point in time? It

isn't an actual clock. What do you mean? It isn't on someone's wall.

There must be a clock that they have two update. Does it tick and tock?

Do they physically move it? It doesn't take and tock. The

scientists move the hands up and back. There is no mechanism. It's

the shape of a clock for us to try and understand. How big? I haven't

got a clue. The year 2000 was supposed to be the end of the world.

Wasn't it, yeah? That was a crank. And nothing happened. Justified in

people, that's all. That's right. We are two and a half minutes away from

it. We were three. From what? Disaster, it is a Doomsday clock! I

thought in Geneva there was a clock with all of these boffins studying

headlines from the Guardian and deciding to take off a view more

seconds. I'm astonished and disgusted. How do I know there's

going to be a disaster to put 30 seconds on the clock? That's why we

are butchers, I haven't got a clue. These scientists. You have 30

seconds left, how do you come up with that? What is the calculation

of it? What's the equation? There must be a formula, Trump, plus

Putin, divided by North Korea, divided by South Korea and we are

two minutes closer. Yeah, I think you should have squared Putin. What

you've done, you've divided him. We'll do it again. Trump, divided by

Putin, the square root of China. Shouldn't we throw in Theresa May? I

don't think she's relevant. No point having her back in. No. Doomsday's

coming, two and a half minutes, go, what are you going to do? Two

minutes 20 now, come on! Rob a bank. Why would you do that? I don't know!

Don't you want to talk to anyone, call anyone? Make love to anyone?

No. I can't make love, can I? I can. In two and a half minutes? Do you

think if you phone 123 and it was the Doomsday 123 it would say

something like, at the third stroke, packed all your bags and go

somewhere high, get some shelter? No, wouldn't want to create panic,

it would be very upbeat. So it would let everybody die? Thank you for

calling the Doomsday hotline, you are ten seconds away from death,

your call is important to us. Please hold. This week, newspaper and

online articles revelled in an revealing survey suggesting we are

happier when we are in the nude. I like clothes and if God didn't mean

us to wear clothes, he wouldn't have allowed them to be invented by Adam

and Eve. Fig leaves. The public? Yeah. Don't mind being naked but

look at the toenails. That's important. Are you comfortable

naked? Not really, no. Not after Christmas. Depends, doesn't it. Give

it four is and I'll be all right. -- four months. I think it's a load of

rubbish. Any bird naked is a bird naked, so why would you be unhappy?

There was that naked beach near Bridlington, you know. Yeah row.

I have swum in a Swedish lake and it was the coldest swim I've ever had.

Without the benefit of a costume? Indeed, yes. There was nobody there,

just me, the lake, the woods. God is always there. Indeed, yes. If

everybody did, you'd soon get used to it, seeing other people.

Surprisingly to get used to, you know. Yeah. Being naked? Yeah, just

imagine a world where there were no clothes. Yeah but how would you are

carrying shopping bags? With me, I would miss my pockets, you know what

I'm saying, you put everything in your pockets. Don't you agree? Tell

you what I do with my phone sometimes, I put it up here because

it will stick. If you are a bit more is when you get out of the bath, not

mucky, but moist, it will stick to my shoulder. Have you done that

before? No, I've never stuck my phone to my moist shoulder. Right,

it's time to update the dos and don'ts list. Nail technicians

Brandon and Tony run a tight ship. They manicure more than 1000 nails a

week. The rules we have, right, they come in, like the other day, one of

them getting her nails done, two prams. You've got to go hang on,

hang on, you can't all come in here. What do you want me to say to them?

Get out? Just points to that. Can't stand prams.

This week, newspaper reports had unusual images of two world leaders

in the midst of forging a very special relationship. She looks

pleased. Yeah. It's been a success. I think we're going to get along

very well. Interesting, I am a people person and I think you are

all so. He calls her the wrong name. Even world leaders need a hand now

and again. The president and by Minister classed as they made their

way down the steps -- Prime Minister.

She has got Bafta phobia. Never heard of it. Our Prime Minister, hot

putting it over to America to meet him in the White House, the Oval

room, it is a disgrace. Even the President of Mexico has cancelled

his visit to Trump. Theresa May over there, it's nice to become the first

person. She congratulated him on his stunning win. Oh, yeah. Well, it was

stunning, it's none of the world, didn't it? When she came out with

the stunning victories, did you see him? Looked like he'd been given a

cream cake, know what I mean? Like he had won the pools. Looks like it

went very well. The conference, smashed that. They walked out and I

don't know if it was intentional but he grabbed her hand. You don't hold

hands, you would study her elbow. But you wouldn't hold her hand. The

whole world was watching. And I was watching. I think it looked a bit...

When you look at the action, it was more of a wrist lock. I don't think

she knew he was going to hold onto her hand. I don't think so. The way

he's holding her hand. But then again, have you heard, he is scared

of sex. Apparently there is a term for this, if you have a fear of

something they will give it a term. The grope slope. Apparently there is

a severe incline. Wouldn't touch her. He's not going to touch her

legs, is he? You hold her hand, that's it, in case she tumbles. In

the White House, right, they kept spelling her name wrong, you know.

How do you mean? When Donald called her Teresa, they didn't put the

letter H in. They misspelled it quite a few times. Oh, right, I

thought it was the American accent. Teresa May is a pawn star in

America. Don't ask me how I know. The funny thing is I can't wait for

Sean Spicer to come out next week and say that they did not spell her

name wrong, that is an alternative fact. Here is the actual sheet that

shows how it was doctored. He will Pollap be say that they spoke to

Theresa May and on reflection she got it wrong, she shouldn't have

been spelling it with the H, she spoke with the president on the

telephone so this should be brushed under the carpet. Teresa does not

have an H in. We got married in 1990. I had hair at that time. And I

was thin and that time. Only a size six. Size eight. This couple had

been married for 27 years and they run a busy dry cleaners in Glasgow.

Hope we not going to see your mother tonight. I'm quite busy tonight.

Show our faces. I think we'll just leave it. I'm waiting for the phone

to go. Your mother then. Let it go, I'm not bothered too much, I'll

handle the call, it's fine. Are you sure you can handle that? Don't you

worry about that. Apparently it is oestrogen. There was an illuminating

report in the newspapers this week suggesting that experts now have the

proof that women are better at multitasking Paire men. -- than men.

A professor once said, why can't a woman be more like a man? We've all

ask that. Only women can do it, as I have been

told for many years, only women can do it. Yes. You have never

multitasked in your life, you think one thing at a time, you have a one

track brain. No, I can drive the Rolls-Royce and also think very

unpleasant things about the other drivers on the road.

Look at me, for example, I am doing five or six things. At the same

time. I have a sharp eye watching those girls in here and watching the

staff members and the girls at the back. And picking out people's

mistakes, you are good at that. My mum always says to me, you either

watched the TV or you are on the phone, you cannot do both. I say, I

am. No, it is won or the other. Then she goes on the phone and watches

the telly and she says, I am watching that.

She is a woman and can do both. When women are in Labour, they have to

talk to their husbands, nine times out of ten they swear at their

husbands, they talk to the nurses and they swear. That is

multitasking. It isn't multitasking! Of course it is. And who takes the

sweat from your brow? Just don't go that! What other man would get a

sanitary towel to mop the woman's brow, only you! You have to get it

how all the mop your brow, that was the only thing that was there!

48 plus 32. 70. Yes, you still paused, it is bang, bang, bang. No,

I am not Carol Vorderman! A woman would have had that built by now.

No, she would not. Trump would have me on board. 252 plus 102. 354. Yes!

Why would you have done that? If you give me a tenor in change. Of

course I can love. One strange story in the papers and

online this week reported that US scientists have proven that human

cells can be grown within a pig. Do you know what they are doing,

they are playing God. Moving one step closer to growing organs for

transplant. Good idea, isn't it? The complicated

procedure involves injecting human stem cells into pig embryos.

Oh, dear, I don't agree with all that. Neither do I.

Would you say you were to take the heart of a pig if you needed one? I

don't think so. Even if it was life or death? I wouldn't do it. If you

needed a transplant, you would not care where it came from, as long as

you did not turn into a pig in the fullness of time.

You know when you become a donor, your DNA has to match with the

person you give it to. Hopefully, if they find one, yes. What happens if

they do not find one? That goes to waste. No, they are breeding the

pics for it. So you need a heart transplant and I am sure you would

be happy to take one from a little pig. It depends what side of the

coin you are on. I am not bothered, my mum says I need a trough to eat

anyway. Put your dominoes down! If somebody is waiting for the heart

of a pig, human heart. Out of a pig's body. Presuming it works and

they take that from the pig and put it into the human, what happens to

the pig that is left with the human organs inside, what happens to the

pig? It is dead! Ken did have this big operation. You

could have one from an animal or mechanical. He chose the animal, a

valve. It was from a bull. Was it? I didn't know they did that, Sheila.

Yes. I would ask. Detail and some basic

special figures on the success of these pig's Hearts, who survived,

how long and what are the chances? Know what I mean? Let's be honest,

you would not say anything because if you need a new major organ, you

are not in a good way. When they say, we need to give you a heart

from a pig, you do not say, I need to check this. I will have to give

some consideration to it. You cannot be that considerate, you have got

hours to live! Tell you what, it is about time they

made a statue for Princess Diana. This week, Princess Diana was all

over the press and online, 20 years after her death.

NEWSREADER: Prince William and Prince Harry have announced plans to

write a statue of their mother. The main memorial has been a statue

in Hyde Park in London. Diana's sister will be on the body

commissioning and raising funds for the statue.

Would you go to visit it elliptically? You have two to pay

your respects. Is a new have to, I haven't been to

be other things, the water park, she had done. -- I say that you have

two. If they can have one for sale, they

can have for her. Absolutely. I hope it will be better than they

have got right now. Have you seen that fountain? That is a load of...

What an insult. What an insult to such a lovely woman. People go to it

and you see them soaking their feet. It doesn't matter, they are soaking

their feet and reflecting and thinking of Diana.

Michael Jackson had one, that didn't go down well and they moved it to

end museum. It looked nothing like him. What if it goes wrong and she

looks like instead of Princess Diana, she looks like... Camilla!

Yes! That don't represent Diana. It is

just a waste of money to me. It is not just to... You can turn up to

see this water feature, all the people with their feet, and you

think, that reminds me of Lady Diana. You know it looks nothing

like her but there has got to be some kind of... This is going to be

a tribute to Theresa May one and all the rest of it, please soak your

feet. -- lady Di. You were looking at me? Yes, I think

it is so wrong. Christina and Winifred, devout

Christians who volunteer at the West Indian community centre in Leeds.

When I go to keep fit and do my aerobics, they do not play gospel

music. I like reggae. Yes, I like reggae music. No, you've gone too

far and you know that! No! You need to have a word with your pastor.

That is completely wrong! Sheila, that always looks nice. Yes,

yes. This week, President Trump signed

Executive orders he said would control the flow of order of people

coming into America. He said work would begin on building the wall

with Mexico first. NEWSREADER: Enrique Pena Nieto said

he would not but the bill. You will be able to see the wall if

you live in Texas in your back garden.

The President of Mexico and myself have agreed to cancel our planned

meeting scheduled for next week. Then he declared a ban on people

coming from seven predominantly Muslim countries.

NEWSREADER: Another sweeping change, a halt on visas for people from

seven mainly Muslim countries. Look at that, Trump's plan takes

effect. This actually, strangely, is what

democracy is about. People say, if you vote for me and I am elected, I

will do an and B and C. He has been elected and he is doing that, this

is democracy. If you have not been in office for a

week and you are making an Executive decision on something so big, you

are dangerous. Of course he is dangerous.

Ironically, Donald Trump is doing what the Brexit based their campaign

on. Controls on borders. He is doing what the Brexiteer is wanted is to

happen, tighter controls of the border. At the moment, Britain would

not be able to do that. Imagine me getting a wall done and

asking you to pay for it. I would not pay a penny. I know, that is

what the Mexicans are going to do. One guy says, pay up. He says, no.

He says, well, I will do this to you. It is like a stand-off. A

Mexican stand-off! Who is going to blink?

It is going to be a long ball, let's face it. 1,000 miles. 1,000 mile

long, who knows how how it is going to go to stop them going over it.

Who are they going to give the job too? That is ridiculous, it will not

be bricks, Nick. What is it going to be, it isn't going to be Lego! How

many people went to our college to do bricklaying? Hundreds. We are a

town of expert bricklayers. We want to keep them bricklayers here

because when Sturgeon gets a way, we will have to build our own!

You have seen the great Wall? That was done thousands of years ago and

it stretches for miles, longer than the one he wants built. Ask them.

Say, you have got a great Wall, build a great Wall over here. They

might do. The people who built that probably will be dead now.

What does he want? I think he just wants Americans. He has banned

Syrian refugees coming to the United States of America. He says, you

can't come here, sorry. You are not allowed in. Where are they coming

from anyway? Syria, where else? They want a wall with Mexican -- Sako,

the Canadians want a wall to keep him in! -- Sako.

I think he looks so good. Look at them.

This week, the papers and internet were awash with joyful images of two

proud looking recipients -- recipients of the Queen's honours.

It is good they are flying the Northern Flag. Doing it for

Newcastle and everyone else. The North East, it is not just about

Newcastle. NEWSREADER: the TV duo are heading

to Buckingham Palace to receive OBE for servicing the broadcasting and

entertainment. I think they deserve it, I will tell

you why, they really funny. And you know what I admire about them? They

have been together such a long time. Very young. And they are still close

and they are funny. They are funny. They must be doing a good job, to

get an OBE. They will give them to Tom and Jerry next!

You know Ant Dec? It is Ant Dec. Today... First of all, it was Dec.

They were that confused. Ant was about to go on stage. Can I stop you

this Mac who is Ant and who is Dec? Who got the award? The little one.

Did they both get one? No, I mean, who held it? I think it was the

little one. Yes, it yes. Next, is it? Ant?

What is the order of the British Empire, you have got me wondering,

what does it really mean? So you have got order, different

orders they sit in. So you have got a member of the British Empire.

So I could have said B. Officer of the British Empire, commander and a

night. You understand? All of those titles sit within an order. It could

be order of the chivalry, different orders. It is confusing. It's

boring! What have you been up to?

Something grubby? I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm

a national treasure! Why settle for a German Europe when

you could have a Scottish world?