Episode 5 Common Sense

Episode 5

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Great Britain. The Queen has become the first British monarchy to reach


her sapphire Jubilee. She's been on the throne for 65 years. First


monarchy ever. The longest reigning monarch. The only thing Prince


Charles is going to get at this rate is the shortest rain ever. Hackers


threatening to leak back's personal e-mail... I expected nothing less.


Who in their right mind would blackmail golden balls? Marine Le


Pen has laid out her vision for the country if she wins the up coming


presidential election. She's started her campaign for the French general


election. We've had Brexit here, are we going to get Frexit? Trump


continued his criticism of around saying on Twitter the country was


playing with fire. He tweeted, what is our country coming to? President


Trump has taken to Twitter. He says he doesn't know President Putin, he


has no deals in Russia but the "Haters" are going crazy. You can do


more damage with words. Just say, we need your fine, we'll give you the


nuclear codes but we need Joe Fanning. You can do less damage with


the nuclear codes than the mobile phone. He is upsetting everyone. If


he ever did launch a nuke, he would just tweaked, just launch nuke. --


he would just tweet. This one is ?25. I might do you a discount if


you buy more than one. They are market traders. Frank has just


returned from a two-week cruise in the Caribbean. The best part of my


holiday was the food on the ship. Going down every day to dinner,


seeing different menus being served a la carte. The nearest cart I've


been to is the one I push up and down this road! You've got to stop


shaking! I think last night I had a bit too much to drink! It's been a


difficult week for Nigel Farage. There's a picture here of this


childish dimwit holding up his silly signs. First he was humiliated in


the European Parliament. He doesn't even know there is a sign behind his


back. Then the mail on Sunday run a bold exclusive suggesting he was


sharing his flat with a foxy French friend, 15 years his junior. Nigel


Farage has been sharing his bachelor pad with a glamorous French


politician, who is being probed over illegal funding of the party. She's


not a bad looking bird as it happens. Grainy paparazzi photos


captured them leaving the flat at different times the following


morning. He's shacked up with her. I've seen that. I wonder if she's


going to remain? She will, went she? ?4 million house. It depends if he


is giving her the single market! Did you see that idiot Child MEP in the


European Parliament the other day, with his silly sign next Nigel


Farage? He rejoices in the title of, what is it, the climate change


spokesperson or something for the Labour Party. Absolutely pathetic


behaviour. He is a London MEP. It embarrasses us all. When I saw it I


thought, it's going to be the French or the Germans, someone who is a bit


disgruntled we are leaving the EU. When I realised it was one of our


own, I thought it was a disgrace. I'd seen how our people behave in


the house of parliament. I've watched one or two debates. The way


they carry on, the way they heckle each other, the way they disrupt


each other's conversation. I find it disgusting. It looks as if Europe is


no better. Nigel Farage will have enjoyed the fact that person did it


because that makes in global news. You know what, it plays into his


hands. He loves it. Look how ridiculous these people are, these


remain. And do you know what, they aren't British. They're not British,


no. Can you go? I can't go. He's been shacking up with this other


bird. Well, have you seen this other bird? She ain't a bad looking sort,


is she. 15 years his junior, right. What a sort. He comes out and he


says, I've known her for years. She doesn't trust anyone in London. She


asked for a place to stay. It's totally platonic. If he's getting


some, surely there's hope for all of us. He's no van Gogh, is he? You


know what makes me laugh? He's married to a German woman. He


sharing a house with a Frenchwoman, but he wants to leave the EU. How


does that make sense? He'll be lending money off a Greek woman


soon! This week the daily Mirror ran without revealing exclusive about a


shocking plot to extort money from David Beckham. I think


cybercriminals have hacked into his e-mails and blackmailing him. And


Good Morning Britain made headline news. E-mails were released to the


media after an alleged blackmail attempt on his PR team.


Cybercriminals said to be using Russian service, it doesn't mean


they are Russian. He's used the C word! Really?! Yes. It looks like


he's only doing charity work to further his campaign for a


knighthood. The firm refused to pay nearly ?1 million to the hackers.


That's a lot of money but it's not much to him. You can't pay it


because then everyone will come begging. He's gone from one extreme


to the other. One minute he's on a pedestal, the other minute we hear


he's swearing at the committee who choose who gets what. So he was up,


he went down. And then you get another report saying that he was


blackmailed. These people know what they are doing. The people who have


been hacked or the PR company who represents David Beckham. They know


how to manage a crisis. What they'll do, on Friday Belsay actually, did


you know the back and is paid ?22,000 a day in tax? -- on Friday


they will say. That's like a year 's salary! The next day we hear about


him being bribed the ?1 million and he's been calling everyone the C


word. What is going to happen next? He'll get knighted. After he's done


all that he'll get knighted. They've been playing us, the PR team. I


should be Max Clifford. Well, not exactly Max Clifford. He deserves a


knighthood! That's what he believes in any way. Blimey. He can't


understand why he hasn't got one. He's been on Desert Island discs,


I'd have thought that was enough anybody really. All the way, all the


way. He looks like a night. He acts like a night. He might not sound


like a knight... I can overlook that. Calling them a bunch of Cs is


a bit much. He's got an OBE, what more does he want? Don't you think


people get hung up about the C word? You can talk to people and they say,


I do mind swearing but I don't like the C word. I think it is an


underrated word. It does hit the spot. He's probably hot-headed and


said something angry. Look at the rest of the public, they get angry


and savings. You know? Look at us, when we get angry we say things. We


don't really mean it but we say it. And then we regret it. You can't


make him look bad, even on a bad day he's going to look great in his


Brylcreem, here, stubble... Any haircut he pulls off. That's why he


has nothing to worry about. He's got an impeccable jawline. I think the


beckons, to give them their due, they are not a talented couple in


any way. But they've obviously been quite clever the way they've managed


their image and the way they promoted their businesses, because


they earn such an enormous amount of money. One must admire that, loss


one? I don't know about admire... Well, respect. No admiration, no


respect? What comes, envy and hatred? LAUGHTER Guess who I'm going


to see? Celine Dion! I'm over the moon! Good friends Jonathan and


Johnny have known each other since school. Both work for different


branches of a well-known supermarket, and take their weekly


games of dominoes very seriously. Do you know what I always wanted to go


and see? Tina Turner. I'd love to have gone and seen Tina Turner but I


never did. I absolutely adore Tina Turner. I love her. I love Tina.


Absolutely. # Rolling on a river #


I've seen them using a computer. They're quite clever. This


particular one, it could do sums. This week press reports included an


extraordinary and curious photo that showed how modern technology is


helping in courage breeding of captive apes. NEWSREADER: The zoo


keeper will show them different pictures and they will swipe left or


right. It's like Tinder the apes. They all look the same! I can't


think what they are looking for. Animals mines are different to ours,


aren't they? I mean, they can't touch them or smell them... I wonder


how they identify each other? Licking each other's eyes. They've


got big soppy big eyes. -- looking in each other's eyes. They see


something... He goes, I like the red bomb. So they double-click on the


red bum. Swipe left is rejection, swipe right is accepted. I've not


used Tinder. In our days it was different. You'd meet somebody


face-to-face, if you liked them, that was it. There was none of this


going around meeting of the girls and other guys. Look at us, look how


we met. We met here. We met in the launderette and now we're married!


Have you never used Tinder? You hear those stories, when they're not the


same person as they are in the picture. Catfish? Yeah. Are you an


Tinder? People show pictures and if you want to go out with them you go


from left to right, if you don't, you go from right to left. Good


heavens! You know a lot about this! There's no romance. Romance is dead.


It's gone backwards. It's very primal. It is, I like the look of


you and what your body has got going on. I wouldn't mind a slice of that.


You know what I mean? Put your electric blanket on, I'll see you in


20! That's really, really erotic! You worked with him? Yes, I worked


with him, I had just left school, and he was 17. Did you like him


straightaway? Yes. Otherwise I would not have gone out with him! . Would


you go on, seriously check how many people is on this planet? The only


reason is, I'll find a girl that panics, she'll think, I'm not going


to find anyone, so I'll just settle for that creep! Drink up and I will


get the next one. So I need to look out for a girl that's Anichebe. You


mean vulnerable. It's nice and warm anyway. It's quite nice out there,


isn't it? Keen keep fit fanatics, all three of them are great


grandmothers. I like your scarf. Alice and Sheila both married


sailors. Phyllis met her husband at a rubber belt factory in 1952. This


is a spongy one. It's lovely. Is it? We'll have that one, then. Do you


want a drink? Go on, then. I'll have two, please. Are you all right? The


papers were full of reports this week that Donald Trump's


controversial travel ban was to be blocked following a ruling by a US


district judge in Seattle. He's doing his job, he's holding up the


American constitution. The executive order preventing people from seven


million Muslim countries travelling to the United States IS


unconstitutional. Donald Trump described the ruling as ridiculous


and has promised to overturn it. You can't change the law that been there


for 230 years! George Washington would turn over in his grave! Just


cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something


happens, blame him and court system... Someone says, he's willing


it to happen, just to say, I told you so. No-trump, and OK Kaikai,


best placard I saw was fragile, racist, sexist, Nazi... What do you


mean? It's the rhyme off Mary Poppins, isn't it? I know that, but


what you mean, what is it about, Trump? Yes. About three weeks ago,


that man stood with his hand on the Bible, saying, he's going to uphold


and defend the constitution. And now he is challenging that same


constitution that he said he would uphold. He thinks, a bit of power in


the White House, reality check, isn't it? Definitely. Like a slap in


the face. He wants to do what is right for the American people, he


does not give anything about the constitution. You have got to do it


within the law. I think he's quite strong minded man and I don't think


he takes no for an answer. Just in case you get a lunatic in the White


House, so you'd have someone who you could control, you know what I mean?


They have certainly got a lunatic in him, because he's upset everybody.


That's what he's saying, he's not defending the constitution, he stood


in front of all those people, the biggest crowd in American history,


LOL! And now they're saying, he is not defending it, he's basically


doing what he wants with it. It's ironic that that judge won't have a


job for much longer. His credibility has gone down the pan very fast.


America will follow suit. We'll wait for the next instalment, it's like a


soap opera, isn't it? Yes! Yes, nice cup of tea for you. This week, there


was a helpful report in the papers and online. They're always talking


about sex, aren't they? It proved that for women over 50, the key to a


good night with your partner is to sleep more. My Mrs slips for 16


hours, so I'm going to be in for a rough time later! Makes me laugh,


though, this, because that's everyone's excuse, I'm too tired.


All they need now is another study to say actually, people perform


better in sex when they've got a headache, and then they've covered


all bases, haven't they? Getting up at six in the morning. Even less


sleep! Yes, obviously! Men like sex, you know, so do women. But I think


men like more than women. Do you reckon? I think men like sex more


than women. No, I think it's both compatible. Women are always tired.


But women need rest. You can't just jump right in there and do what


you've got to do and walk away. You need a bit of rest, a bit of love, a


bit of intimate time, not just what men want all the time. Men and women


are different. Women will just use this as an excuse because women only


want sex when they're drunk, it is like a kebab, you only want want


want when you're drunk. Like a social smoker? Yes. I'm hoovering,


and cleaning, I even cook, while she's resting. But she still goes,


I'm tired. If she was to wake you up over sleep... You're the worst


person in the morning to be talking to, you're not a morning person. I


don't talk to you in the morning, so how do you know? Exactly, that's why


I don't bother myself waking you! Do you think some women need rest, and


then...? And then have sex? May be the following day, when they feel


like it, but but what happens if they're tired the following day? Do


you not think sleep is important to a mature woman of that age? Sleep is


important to anybody, mate. Not just for your sex life, for everything,


make. But do you think somebody should tell these women that once


they die, they sleep for a very long time? Please me a capacity? Morty,


for? These two have known each other since the 1970s. They enjoy dining


together once a week in London, something they have done for the


past 16 years. Occupational hazard, isn't it, tea for the vicar. This


week, the papers reported on a survey which found Brits spend the


equivalent of 52 days of their life in a queue. Week you to go in a


queue. Queues never bothered me. It is the people that cushion that


bother me. I reckon in Morrisons, if people get their pension, they will


not queue a lot in there. I just go to the Post Office, and then I'm out


in two minutes. I don't mind queueing because I'm British and


civilised. I don't mind queueing as long as it's not too long. But I


hate people who don't queue. Honestly, it's just infuriated. I


think English people we like queueing in a sense because we like


order and we like dignity. We don't like MLA, and pushing and shoving.


No queueing, no frowning, no aggro. And make sure you move along? Do you


know what I mean? In an orderly manner. I think we like to queue so


much, sometimes we do it without even knowing why we are chewing. You


see a queue and everybody just joins it. The people who go to the Post


Office, in the queue for 20 minutes, and say, can I have one first-class


stamp, please? Instead of buying a book of six, because it would save


you having to put yourself through this experience? But I don't need


six! You're going to need them again, aren't you, save them till


Christmas?! In England, people get really mad if people push into the


queue, because it undermines orderliness and fairness. Abroad,


they don't mind at all. Abroad, they will push you out of the way, they


won't queue! They're terrible for that! They will, they'll push you


out of the way! They ain't got it in them. That little bit of class that


we have. I look round at ladies, who speak in queues. They'll say, excuse


me! Excuse me! And sometimes they'll speak for you, if somebody's pushing


in front of you, the lady will say, excuse me, he was here first! I like


that, I really like that. Men are awful for queue jumping. They'll


say, I didn't know there was a queue! I think we would have had


revolutions on the streets if we didn't love queueing. Instead of


making barricades, we'd four you. It's the whole basis of English


history, the queue. The reason we've only had one revolution. That's


lovely, thank you very much. All the best, bye. Married butchers Michael


and dawn have been supplying the community for more than 22 years.


You're not going to spoil these stakes, are you? Do you know how to


cook them?! Brilliant. So what are you having? Short and


round, please. Just like my ex. This week, we saw images of a bedraggled


looking Johnny Depp. It is terrible. In an illuminating report, it was


suggested that the star was on the brink of financial ruin. $30,000 on


wine alone each month. Is that red or white? On ITV, they marvelled at


his extravagant lifestyle. He spends ?1.6 million each month, he owns 14


homes and spent ?2.4 million to shoot Hunter as Thomson's Ashes into


space. Whose Ashes were they? There were an author's. Johnny Depp is


living beyond his means. Oh, yes. Well, if he will insist on spending


?2.5 million flying your dead friend's Ashes, I suppose it's not


surprising thank you very, really. Not surprising if he does a thing


like that. What's the point? It would be very interesting how much


cash was in there. Obviously, just to fire ash... How big was the


fella? He must have been about 35 stone! I wonder what was in him, to


do a thing like that? He must have had a mad moment! He must have!


Blowing him out of a cannon! Yes. To infinity and beyond! Johnny Depp is


blessed. He's one of the most talented, finest actors this


century, no doubt about it. The man has got a gift. But unfortunately,


we go back to simple basics, like my late father taught me, God rest his


soul. If you've only got 10p, you can't spend 20. Apparently, that's


what he's doing, but it's not 20p, its $30,000 he's spending a month,


on wine! He must be having a good time! Must be some great wine. I


would not know a good wine from a bad one, would you? I get a bottle


of, visit Echo Falls? Yes, I get that one. I think the most expensive


wine I bought was ?6. I wouldn't mind having dinner with Johnny Depp,


if all his bottles cost $1000, I'd be quite happy to try his wine. But


I would insist that if I died at the dinner table, I do not want to be


fired out of a cannon at my funeral! Are you a burner, or a burier? I


don't really mind, as long as I'm kept together for the resurrection


of the body!


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