Episode 5 Common Sense


Episode 5

Fast turnaround comedy series voiced by Ruth Jones. A cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discuss the news of the week.


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Great Britain. The Queen has become the first British monarchy to reach

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her sapphire Jubilee. She's been on the throne for 65 years. First

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monarchy ever. The longest reigning monarch. The only thing Prince

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Charles is going to get at this rate is the shortest rain ever. Hackers

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threatening to leak back's personal e-mail... I expected nothing less.

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Who in their right mind would blackmail golden balls? Marine Le

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Pen has laid out her vision for the country if she wins the up coming

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presidential election. She's started her campaign for the French general

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election. We've had Brexit here, are we going to get Frexit? Trump

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continued his criticism of around saying on Twitter the country was

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playing with fire. He tweeted, what is our country coming to? President

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Trump has taken to Twitter. He says he doesn't know President Putin, he

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has no deals in Russia but the "Haters" are going crazy. You can do

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more damage with words. Just say, we need your fine, we'll give you the

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nuclear codes but we need Joe Fanning. You can do less damage with

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the nuclear codes than the mobile phone. He is upsetting everyone. If

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he ever did launch a nuke, he would just tweaked, just launch nuke. --

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he would just tweet. This one is ?25. I might do you a discount if

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you buy more than one. They are market traders. Frank has just

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returned from a two-week cruise in the Caribbean. The best part of my

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holiday was the food on the ship. Going down every day to dinner,

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seeing different menus being served a la carte. The nearest cart I've

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been to is the one I push up and down this road! You've got to stop

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shaking! I think last night I had a bit too much to drink! It's been a

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difficult week for Nigel Farage. There's a picture here of this

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childish dimwit holding up his silly signs. First he was humiliated in

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the European Parliament. He doesn't even know there is a sign behind his

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back. Then the mail on Sunday run a bold exclusive suggesting he was

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sharing his flat with a foxy French friend, 15 years his junior. Nigel

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Farage has been sharing his bachelor pad with a glamorous French

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politician, who is being probed over illegal funding of the party. She's

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not a bad looking bird as it happens. Grainy paparazzi photos

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captured them leaving the flat at different times the following

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morning. He's shacked up with her. I've seen that. I wonder if she's

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going to remain? She will, went she? ?4 million house. It depends if he

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is giving her the single market! Did you see that idiot Child MEP in the

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European Parliament the other day, with his silly sign next Nigel

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Farage? He rejoices in the title of, what is it, the climate change

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spokesperson or something for the Labour Party. Absolutely pathetic

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behaviour. He is a London MEP. It embarrasses us all. When I saw it I

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thought, it's going to be the French or the Germans, someone who is a bit

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disgruntled we are leaving the EU. When I realised it was one of our

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own, I thought it was a disgrace. I'd seen how our people behave in

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the house of parliament. I've watched one or two debates. The way

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they carry on, the way they heckle each other, the way they disrupt

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each other's conversation. I find it disgusting. It looks as if Europe is

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no better. Nigel Farage will have enjoyed the fact that person did it

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because that makes in global news. You know what, it plays into his

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hands. He loves it. Look how ridiculous these people are, these

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remain. And do you know what, they aren't British. They're not British,

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no. Can you go? I can't go. He's been shacking up with this other

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bird. Well, have you seen this other bird? She ain't a bad looking sort,

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is she. 15 years his junior, right. What a sort. He comes out and he

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says, I've known her for years. She doesn't trust anyone in London. She

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asked for a place to stay. It's totally platonic. If he's getting

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some, surely there's hope for all of us. He's no van Gogh, is he? You

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know what makes me laugh? He's married to a German woman. He

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sharing a house with a Frenchwoman, but he wants to leave the EU. How

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does that make sense? He'll be lending money off a Greek woman

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soon! This week the daily Mirror ran without revealing exclusive about a

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shocking plot to extort money from David Beckham. I think

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cybercriminals have hacked into his e-mails and blackmailing him. And

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Good Morning Britain made headline news. E-mails were released to the

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media after an alleged blackmail attempt on his PR team.

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Cybercriminals said to be using Russian service, it doesn't mean

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they are Russian. He's used the C word! Really?! Yes. It looks like

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he's only doing charity work to further his campaign for a

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knighthood. The firm refused to pay nearly ?1 million to the hackers.

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That's a lot of money but it's not much to him. You can't pay it

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because then everyone will come begging. He's gone from one extreme

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to the other. One minute he's on a pedestal, the other minute we hear

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he's swearing at the committee who choose who gets what. So he was up,

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he went down. And then you get another report saying that he was

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blackmailed. These people know what they are doing. The people who have

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been hacked or the PR company who represents David Beckham. They know

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how to manage a crisis. What they'll do, on Friday Belsay actually, did

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you know the back and is paid ?22,000 a day in tax? -- on Friday

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they will say. That's like a year 's salary! The next day we hear about

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him being bribed the ?1 million and he's been calling everyone the C

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word. What is going to happen next? He'll get knighted. After he's done

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all that he'll get knighted. They've been playing us, the PR team. I

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should be Max Clifford. Well, not exactly Max Clifford. He deserves a

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knighthood! That's what he believes in any way. Blimey. He can't

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understand why he hasn't got one. He's been on Desert Island discs,

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I'd have thought that was enough anybody really. All the way, all the

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way. He looks like a night. He acts like a night. He might not sound

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like a knight... I can overlook that. Calling them a bunch of Cs is

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a bit much. He's got an OBE, what more does he want? Don't you think

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people get hung up about the C word? You can talk to people and they say,

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I do mind swearing but I don't like the C word. I think it is an

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underrated word. It does hit the spot. He's probably hot-headed and

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said something angry. Look at the rest of the public, they get angry

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and savings. You know? Look at us, when we get angry we say things. We

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don't really mean it but we say it. And then we regret it. You can't

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make him look bad, even on a bad day he's going to look great in his

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Brylcreem, here, stubble... Any haircut he pulls off. That's why he

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has nothing to worry about. He's got an impeccable jawline. I think the

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beckons, to give them their due, they are not a talented couple in

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any way. But they've obviously been quite clever the way they've managed

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their image and the way they promoted their businesses, because

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they earn such an enormous amount of money. One must admire that, loss

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one? I don't know about admire... Well, respect. No admiration, no

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respect? What comes, envy and hatred? LAUGHTER Guess who I'm going

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to see? Celine Dion! I'm over the moon! Good friends Jonathan and

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Johnny have known each other since school. Both work for different

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branches of a well-known supermarket, and take their weekly

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games of dominoes very seriously. Do you know what I always wanted to go

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and see? Tina Turner. I'd love to have gone and seen Tina Turner but I

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never did. I absolutely adore Tina Turner. I love her. I love Tina.

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Absolutely. # Rolling on a river #

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I've seen them using a computer. They're quite clever. This

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particular one, it could do sums. This week press reports included an

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extraordinary and curious photo that showed how modern technology is

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helping in courage breeding of captive apes. NEWSREADER: The zoo

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keeper will show them different pictures and they will swipe left or

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right. It's like Tinder the apes. They all look the same! I can't

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think what they are looking for. Animals mines are different to ours,

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aren't they? I mean, they can't touch them or smell them... I wonder

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how they identify each other? Licking each other's eyes. They've

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got big soppy big eyes. -- looking in each other's eyes. They see

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something... He goes, I like the red bomb. So they double-click on the

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red bum. Swipe left is rejection, swipe right is accepted. I've not

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used Tinder. In our days it was different. You'd meet somebody

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face-to-face, if you liked them, that was it. There was none of this

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going around meeting of the girls and other guys. Look at us, look how

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we met. We met here. We met in the launderette and now we're married!

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Have you never used Tinder? You hear those stories, when they're not the

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same person as they are in the picture. Catfish? Yeah. Are you an

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Tinder? People show pictures and if you want to go out with them you go

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from left to right, if you don't, you go from right to left. Good

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heavens! You know a lot about this! There's no romance. Romance is dead.

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It's gone backwards. It's very primal. It is, I like the look of

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you and what your body has got going on. I wouldn't mind a slice of that.

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You know what I mean? Put your electric blanket on, I'll see you in

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20! That's really, really erotic! You worked with him? Yes, I worked

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with him, I had just left school, and he was 17. Did you like him

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straightaway? Yes. Otherwise I would not have gone out with him! . Would

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you go on, seriously check how many people is on this planet? The only

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reason is, I'll find a girl that panics, she'll think, I'm not going

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to find anyone, so I'll just settle for that creep! Drink up and I will

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get the next one. So I need to look out for a girl that's Anichebe. You

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mean vulnerable. It's nice and warm anyway. It's quite nice out there,

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isn't it? Keen keep fit fanatics, all three of them are great

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grandmothers. I like your scarf. Alice and Sheila both married

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sailors. Phyllis met her husband at a rubber belt factory in 1952. This

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is a spongy one. It's lovely. Is it? We'll have that one, then. Do you

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want a drink? Go on, then. I'll have two, please. Are you all right? The

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papers were full of reports this week that Donald Trump's

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controversial travel ban was to be blocked following a ruling by a US

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district judge in Seattle. He's doing his job, he's holding up the

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American constitution. The executive order preventing people from seven

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million Muslim countries travelling to the United States IS

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unconstitutional. Donald Trump described the ruling as ridiculous

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and has promised to overturn it. You can't change the law that been there

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for 230 years! George Washington would turn over in his grave! Just

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cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something

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happens, blame him and court system... Someone says, he's willing

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it to happen, just to say, I told you so. No-trump, and OK Kaikai,

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best placard I saw was fragile, racist, sexist, Nazi... What do you

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mean? It's the rhyme off Mary Poppins, isn't it? I know that, but

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what you mean, what is it about, Trump? Yes. About three weeks ago,

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that man stood with his hand on the Bible, saying, he's going to uphold

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and defend the constitution. And now he is challenging that same

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constitution that he said he would uphold. He thinks, a bit of power in

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the White House, reality check, isn't it? Definitely. Like a slap in

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the face. He wants to do what is right for the American people, he

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does not give anything about the constitution. You have got to do it

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within the law. I think he's quite strong minded man and I don't think

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he takes no for an answer. Just in case you get a lunatic in the White

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House, so you'd have someone who you could control, you know what I mean?

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They have certainly got a lunatic in him, because he's upset everybody.

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That's what he's saying, he's not defending the constitution, he stood

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in front of all those people, the biggest crowd in American history,

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LOL! And now they're saying, he is not defending it, he's basically

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doing what he wants with it. It's ironic that that judge won't have a

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job for much longer. His credibility has gone down the pan very fast.

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America will follow suit. We'll wait for the next instalment, it's like a

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soap opera, isn't it? Yes! Yes, nice cup of tea for you. This week, there

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was a helpful report in the papers and online. They're always talking

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about sex, aren't they? It proved that for women over 50, the key to a

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good night with your partner is to sleep more. My Mrs slips for 16

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hours, so I'm going to be in for a rough time later! Makes me laugh,

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though, this, because that's everyone's excuse, I'm too tired.

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All they need now is another study to say actually, people perform

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better in sex when they've got a headache, and then they've covered

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all bases, haven't they? Getting up at six in the morning. Even less

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sleep! Yes, obviously! Men like sex, you know, so do women. But I think

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men like more than women. Do you reckon? I think men like sex more

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than women. No, I think it's both compatible. Women are always tired.

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But women need rest. You can't just jump right in there and do what

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you've got to do and walk away. You need a bit of rest, a bit of love, a

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bit of intimate time, not just what men want all the time. Men and women

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are different. Women will just use this as an excuse because women only

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want sex when they're drunk, it is like a kebab, you only want want

:20:10.:20:15.

want when you're drunk. Like a social smoker? Yes. I'm hoovering,

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and cleaning, I even cook, while she's resting. But she still goes,

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I'm tired. If she was to wake you up over sleep... You're the worst

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person in the morning to be talking to, you're not a morning person. I

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don't talk to you in the morning, so how do you know? Exactly, that's why

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I don't bother myself waking you! Do you think some women need rest, and

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then...? And then have sex? May be the following day, when they feel

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like it, but but what happens if they're tired the following day? Do

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you not think sleep is important to a mature woman of that age? Sleep is

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important to anybody, mate. Not just for your sex life, for everything,

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make. But do you think somebody should tell these women that once

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they die, they sleep for a very long time? Please me a capacity? Morty,

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for? These two have known each other since the 1970s. They enjoy dining

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together once a week in London, something they have done for the

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past 16 years. Occupational hazard, isn't it, tea for the vicar. This

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week, the papers reported on a survey which found Brits spend the

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equivalent of 52 days of their life in a queue. Week you to go in a

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queue. Queues never bothered me. It is the people that cushion that

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bother me. I reckon in Morrisons, if people get their pension, they will

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not queue a lot in there. I just go to the Post Office, and then I'm out

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in two minutes. I don't mind queueing because I'm British and

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civilised. I don't mind queueing as long as it's not too long. But I

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hate people who don't queue. Honestly, it's just infuriated. I

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think English people we like queueing in a sense because we like

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order and we like dignity. We don't like MLA, and pushing and shoving.

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No queueing, no frowning, no aggro. And make sure you move along? Do you

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know what I mean? In an orderly manner. I think we like to queue so

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much, sometimes we do it without even knowing why we are chewing. You

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see a queue and everybody just joins it. The people who go to the Post

:23:10.:23:19.

Office, in the queue for 20 minutes, and say, can I have one first-class

:23:20.:23:24.

stamp, please? Instead of buying a book of six, because it would save

:23:25.:23:28.

you having to put yourself through this experience? But I don't need

:23:29.:23:33.

six! You're going to need them again, aren't you, save them till

:23:34.:23:38.

Christmas?! In England, people get really mad if people push into the

:23:39.:23:41.

queue, because it undermines orderliness and fairness. Abroad,

:23:42.:23:46.

they don't mind at all. Abroad, they will push you out of the way, they

:23:47.:23:50.

won't queue! They're terrible for that! They will, they'll push you

:23:51.:23:59.

out of the way! They ain't got it in them. That little bit of class that

:24:00.:24:09.

we have. I look round at ladies, who speak in queues. They'll say, excuse

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me! Excuse me! And sometimes they'll speak for you, if somebody's pushing

:24:16.:24:20.

in front of you, the lady will say, excuse me, he was here first! I like

:24:21.:24:28.

that, I really like that. Men are awful for queue jumping. They'll

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say, I didn't know there was a queue! I think we would have had

:24:31.:24:36.

revolutions on the streets if we didn't love queueing. Instead of

:24:37.:24:42.

making barricades, we'd four you. It's the whole basis of English

:24:43.:24:46.

history, the queue. The reason we've only had one revolution. That's

:24:47.:24:55.

lovely, thank you very much. All the best, bye. Married butchers Michael

:24:56.:25:05.

and dawn have been supplying the community for more than 22 years.

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You're not going to spoil these stakes, are you? Do you know how to

:25:11.:25:11.

cook them?! Brilliant. So what are you having? Short and

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round, please. Just like my ex. This week, we saw images of a bedraggled

:25:31.:25:36.

looking Johnny Depp. It is terrible. In an illuminating report, it was

:25:37.:25:40.

suggested that the star was on the brink of financial ruin. $30,000 on

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wine alone each month. Is that red or white? On ITV, they marvelled at

:25:48.:25:54.

his extravagant lifestyle. He spends ?1.6 million each month, he owns 14

:25:55.:26:01.

homes and spent ?2.4 million to shoot Hunter as Thomson's Ashes into

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space. Whose Ashes were they? There were an author's. Johnny Depp is

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living beyond his means. Oh, yes. Well, if he will insist on spending

:26:18.:26:23.

?2.5 million flying your dead friend's Ashes, I suppose it's not

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surprising thank you very, really. Not surprising if he does a thing

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like that. What's the point? It would be very interesting how much

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cash was in there. Obviously, just to fire ash... How big was the

:26:45.:26:49.

fella? He must have been about 35 stone! I wonder what was in him, to

:26:50.:26:57.

do a thing like that? He must have had a mad moment! He must have!

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Blowing him out of a cannon! Yes. To infinity and beyond! Johnny Depp is

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blessed. He's one of the most talented, finest actors this

:27:16.:27:19.

century, no doubt about it. The man has got a gift. But unfortunately,

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we go back to simple basics, like my late father taught me, God rest his

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soul. If you've only got 10p, you can't spend 20. Apparently, that's

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what he's doing, but it's not 20p, its $30,000 he's spending a month,

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on wine! He must be having a good time! Must be some great wine. I

:27:44.:27:51.

would not know a good wine from a bad one, would you? I get a bottle

:27:52.:28:04.

of, visit Echo Falls? Yes, I get that one. I think the most expensive

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wine I bought was ?6. I wouldn't mind having dinner with Johnny Depp,

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if all his bottles cost $1000, I'd be quite happy to try his wine. But

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I would insist that if I died at the dinner table, I do not want to be

:28:20.:28:27.

fired out of a cannon at my funeral! Are you a burner, or a burier? I

:28:28.:28:37.

don't really mind, as long as I'm kept together for the resurrection

:28:38.:28:39.

of the body!

:28:40.:28:42.

Fast turnaround comedy series voiced by Gavin & Stacey's Ruth Jones. It features a regular cast of real British people, chosen for their sharp wit and humorous take on life, all discussing the news from that week - from major breaking stories to the most bizarre headlines.

Amongst the cast are a couple of East End market traders, dinner ladies from Leeds, Mancunian male nail technicians, Brummie butchers, Scottish launderette owners, supermarket co-workers and three great-grandmothers from Hull.


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