Episode 6 Common Sense

Great Britain. MPs have voted by a large majority to allow the

government to start formal divorce talks with the EU. The 52 Labour MPs

rebelled in the vote. Jeremy Corbyn remains defiant despite the

rebellion. Tell you what is really worrying for Corbyn, the fact that

four whips rebelled against his whip, and they are the whips, who

control the party. He controls the whips. So he can't control the

party, know what I mean? That really happen? Disgusting. The best talent

gathered at the Albert Hall for the Bafta awards. Acting royalty, like

Meryl Streep and Eddie Redmayne, and actual royalty. I'd like to go to

the Baftas. Don't go to try Mark -- Primark, you'd have to go to

Debenhams. US President Donald Trump could hold a rally in Birmingham.

Because of what's gone on in Parliament, they've moved it away

from Parliament and out of London as well, we think. Can't happen, he has

to come to London. He won't. It's like saying that Theresa May can

have a state visit but not go to White House, they must go to Alaska.

Bring your snow boots. Seems strange. A small problem that the

American people don't like you, Theresa so we thought we would send

you to the freezing cold and hope you don't come again.

My next visit will be to Florence. Oh, I love Florence, the cradle of

the Renaissance. They became friends while training in the Anglican

priesthood. Seeing life through the prism of luxury hotels. Francis has

a gimlet at 5 degrees and is well travelled, and enjoys the finer

things in life. At my age, if I go into a restaurant and I can't see

breakfast, perhaps a future force with the omelette, what is life

worth? What's the point that I grow a few truffles. I have porridge in

the mornings. Two Strongbows, please. The bill to authorise the

start of our withdrawal from the EU may have sailed easily through

parliament but it seems the process highlighted how unsettled things

were in the Labour camp. NEWSREADER More than 50 Labour MPs defined the

-- defied the three line whip and voted against the legislation. It's

a disaster, isn't it? Not a disaster. The knives are out for

him. Labour MPs who defied Jeremy Corbyn will be sent a written

warning but they will not be sacked. Humiliated Corbyn forced to let off

his rebels. Sign of weakness. That's bad. By not firing the MPs, Corbyn

has saved himself a potential human resources challenge. If he sacks

them, there will be no one left and he will be on himself, he could lay

down on the front bench. There was extensive coverage in the press

speculating as to Corbyn's future as leader. So, your future as Labour

leader is in fact, you haven't considered whether you as leader are

damaging the party? I'm surprised the BBC is reporting fake news. Fake

news, where have we heard that before? Trump. Do you think that

Corbyn will go? I hope so but the answer is no. No. He looks like

yesterday's man but unfortunately he is man for tomorrow and tomorrow.

Certainly the Labour Party. Should he resign? Yes. Do the honourable

thing. I don't know if it is honourable because he was voted in,

he has been voted in, know what I mean? I think he'd like to resign.

He won't resign. No. He cannot have ever imagined in his entire lifetime

that he would be the leader of the Labour Party. No one else could

imagine it either! Unita walked in and put your arm around him and say

Jeremy, a bit of a device -- you need to walk in. I'm going to be

your friend, the BNP needs to go, it needs to go. -- the B Let him get

on with it, listen to what he's got to say. Not what he looks like.

Amazing how he stands up to the criticism, really. He gets plenty of

it, poor man. That's what his life has been about. About trudging from

empty church hall to empty church hall, talking to his three hard left

supporters and now he has 600,000 members and he thinks all of his

Christmases have come at once. When it comes to the general election

when there are 40 million people eligible to vote, 600,000 isn't

many. A lot of MPs like him. Give me an example. Diane Abbott. Diane

Abbott! What's wrong with her? Had a romp in a field, with Diane Abbott,

the female MP. Oh, God. There you are, you see. They have romps all

over now, don't they? Must have been some kind of an attraction. They

said it was magnetic. Yeah. Everyone is blaming Corbyn and asking him to

leave but Corbyn is in a no-win situation, he has said he was to

represent the party. Members have said they want him to represent the

party but MPs have said it's impossible, we are losing elections

left right and centre across the country because he's no good to

represent the party. You've got a dilemma. The members have decided,

it is their decision. Challenge your energy into trying to support

Corbyn, rebrand him, influence him to sell the party. He's not going

anywhere and you need to get your head around that. Don't come up in

two years' time and say we lost because of Corbyn, you lost because

you were unable to get your head around the fact that he is the

leader. I'm going to ask you a question that a lot of MPs are

asking Corbyn. Yeah. Can you go? I can't, I actually can't go. Yeah,

very good, bass, what you looking for? Something for the wife? Reports

as to where to store your source had the nation divided. Ketchup, are you

a fridge or cupboard man? The cupboard, and when open, put them in

the fridge. A branch of Asda has decided that customers don't like to

take it off the shelves so they have started putting ketchup in the

chilled section. Have you seen the ketchup in a fridge in the

supermarket? Never. I haven't, it's always on the shelves. Fridge,

fridge! Also fridge. Cupboard. I put mine in the fridge when it is open

but I'm not really a ketchup girl. I like it hot. I believe you!

I must confess immediately, there is no tomato ketchup in my larder, and

to be honest, I can't remember ever having tomato ketchup although I

have seen it on the tables and various greasy spoon cafes. You'll

ketchup has never seen a fridge, ever? No, I keep it in the cupboard

because it doesn't need to be in the fridge. If you read the bottle, it

says, after so many days, refrigerate. No, it don't. There you

go, it has a thing at the bottom, best results, refrigerate after

opening. If it's coming out the fridge, it's going to be cold. That

makes your bacon cold. We've never complained about the bacon sandwich.

It's never been cold. You said you took it out of the fridge. The

source, not the sandwich! On talking about the source. If you've done the

sandwich and bacon and you put the source on from the fridge, I never

said... Divided the nation, hasn't it, half the nation wants to put it

in the cupboard and half the nation in the fridge. So what? You put

tomato ketchup... Oh, disgusting! What do you put on your fish and

chips? Vinegar, salt. Lemon! I've been to places where they say they

don't do ketchup. They frowned upon you when you ask for ketchup. Yeah.

I say, what you got? Hollandaise sauce. Whatever it's called. What's

the other one, peppercorn? Sauce, yeah. Do you keep your eggs in the

fridge? I do, yeah. And butter and margarine, things like that. I keep

my salad stuff in the salad drawer. Yes. Greens.

This week, President Trump played host to the Japanese Prime Minister

Shinzo Abe. NEWSREADER The two leaders travelled to the

President's estate in Florida. Mr Trump said he is committed to the

security of Japan and that its alliance with Washington is the

cornerstone of peace and stability in the Asia-Pacific region. That's a

handshake and a half! The two leaders will discuss the

transpacific trade deal which Mr Trump has said the United States

will abandon. Look at Trump there. Best friends. I don't think! It

looks like he's the student and he is shaking the headmaster's hand.

Yeah. And they don't like each other. Give me your hand, go on.

Don't be shy. And look at me. And you're going, Shinzo Abe, he's

looking for his watch. I thought he was going to break his hand. Thank

you, thank you. And people are man, every time he tried to pull away, I

thought he's going to rip it off his wrist. For someone who is a

germophobe, why would he be touching everybody's hands? There must be

protocol before you shake the President's hands, like the NHS, you

need to clean. His handshake is nearly as long as his signature,

have you seen his signature? Signature? I'll be Lynch I could

write an essay while he does that, it's incredible. Apparently you

can't looked Japanese people in the eye for too long because it's

offensive, seriously. So many people would look at me for ten seconds too

long and it's uncomfortable. People who make eye contact, I like them, I

make eye contact but people who just do that, I will make eye contact and

then I'll look over there, but some people look at you while they're

talking to you. I find it uncomfortable. The expression, going

like that, "I get that, yeah." He hasn't done his homework. He should

have watched karate kid before he shook hands, know what I mean? What

happens when he meets India's by Minister? From Hollywood, isn't it.

-- Prime Minister. The South Africans. Mugabe. Him. Don't shake

his hand. You know my biggest worry is when he meets the Queen. I'm sure

that if he doesn't... I'm afraid that he might get hold of it and

give it a big kiss. Instead of, nice to meet you. That's one of the big

worries. You're not allowed to touch, are you? Not even to put her

hand -- your hand on her back. I imagine him, it would be marvellous!

VOICEOVER The NHS once again dominated the

headlines this week. NEWSREADER Record numbers of patients spent

more than four hours in accident and emergency units in England in

January. It's a joke. VOICEOVER The mirror use a stark black and

white image to illustrate that funding for the service was no

better than it was 60 years ago. A lot of them laying on trolleys in

the corridor. NEWSREADER Jeremy Hunt has acknowledged that

the NHS is facing what he called completely unacceptable problems.

He's acknowledging what's going on. We know is not accessible, we want

to know what he will do. In an exclusive interview with the BBC, Mr

Hunt said that the government has a plan but it will take time to

deliver. It's just a shame that they're running it down. Too many

people coming in. Yeah. And not enough money.

It's much better for him to say we acknowledge the terrible things,

rather than just to go and say everything is all right. Isn't it?

Sometimes, problems cannot be cured. What cannot be cured must be

insured. Who said that? I did. -- must be endured it's not him that

delivering it. It's the chief operating officer of the NHS that is

not delivering it. You're missing the point. If the NHS isn't working

it's his fault because he is the secretary of state, he is the most

senior person. You can't blame the chief executive. He can blame the

chief executive that we can't. People are living longer, people

come from abroad. Not enough money. The NHS is being squeezed from all

sides. It's on the verge of collapse. It's not on the verge of

collapse, Frank, it has collapsed. What's the answer? The answer is, I

don't know. They are saying to raise the more money for the NHS and 1p to

everybody's tax. It will raise ?1.5 billion. Do you know how money we

raise last year on the NHS? ?116 billion on the NHS. If it's not

working with 116 billion, there's something going seriously wrong.

Until we've been doctors and nurses, we won't know how hard it is. No,

that's right. Do you know what I was saying? I don't think taking the

money off us isn't the way it works. But it is. You've had a lot of

experience with the birth of your children. I was there. Yes. When all

the mess and nastiness was going on? Yes. Did you find at all? No. I kept

on looking at the election results. You looked at the election results?

"Excuse Media, could you hang on a moment, what to see whether Bedford

west has gone to Labour?" LAUGHTER Look at the time I got Lauren to the

hospital and I got stuck in the lift with Lauren and Corey. And Eleanor

when she was in her pushchair. Yeah. Four hours in a lift with two...

Kids, a baby... Four hours playing I Spy in a lift! When you came out,

were you treated for stress? No. But they were good to me, Mick, they

gave me a chair for stop and remember when I was admitted to

hospital. He got a proper English breakfast. Proper, you know, bacon,

sausage, beans, the lot, brought to you. By the time I had my second

child... LAUGHTER Which was 22 years ago, you had to

get up and make yourself some toast. When it's working properly, Frank,

the NHS is unbeatable. Second to none. Without a shadow of a doubt. I

would rather be in this country than someone else in another country at

the end of the day. Yeah. Even with it being as bad as it is. I thought

you played the fifth very well, the best you played. You got your par on

that hole. Yeah, wanted a birdie but got a squirrel. Stan and Billy had

been friends for 60 years and they meet up twice a week for a round of

golf. I tell you, if it as cold as this, stand, I won't be playing for

a while. We'll tell the Mrs that were going to play golf. And we will

go on the pale! Go on the pale! The 59th annual Grammy awards took

place in LA this week and for one of our own it was an eventful evening.

NEWSREADER: Adele made history to become the first person to win the

top three awards twice. For the second year in a row she had

performance problems. I know it's live TV, I'm sorry, I need to start

again. I meet to start again. I'm sorry for swearing, please start it

again. She fluffed it and killed it at the same time. She slowed it

down. Slowing down fast enough. Slow love. NEWSREADER: She was the

night's big winner but Adele looked far from comfortable at that and

dedicated album of the year to Beyonce. I can't possibly accept

this award. My artist of my life is Beyonce. This album, for me, the

Lemonade album was just so monumental. "My Artist of my life".

Sorry, I shouldn't be taking the Mickey. Not really. I don't like

Beyonce, I think the music is shite. What is this Lemonade? I haven't

heard it. Next thing you know, once you've had those twins, they will be

performing together. The twins? I don't know anyone who would be big

enough apart from Adele to go, "Hold on, let's just start again." There

is an instinct of me to say, like, it was just genuine. But there is

part of me that says, you know what, I think she's just testing

boundaries. She's at the peak, who would even bat an eyelid? She's at

that level where she can say, I know I'm live, but I wasn't happy. Let's

do it again, put in a C minor, go from the top. She was in the wrong

key. Was that a George Michael song? No, she wasn't fecking... Singing in

June. Her speech was funny, though. What artist do you know? Or do you

ever see it going, listen, guys, I don't deserve this. It's very rare

will stop very rare. They are meant to be competing with

each other for this award. You're saying she's been modest? It's

either that or Kanye West feedback is loitering about. I tell you what,

it was a bit funny for me. -- Kanye loitering about. It went straight

from Adele to Beyonce and Beyonce already had tears in her eyes.

Emotion doesn't kick in that quick. It is too two great artists. -- it

is two great. It was to cringey for me. It gave me goose bumps. Adele is

great on her own. She's brilliant. The only thing that lets her down is

when she talks. She could fecking talk the way she sings, she would be

fantastic. I just think she went a bit too far when she yanked the top

of the trophy off and passed it to her. I think it's bad taste. I don't

think its lands right. How many did you put down at once? I've got five

left. You must have been knocking. No. You are a cheater. Have half of

this domino. I won that you can have half of this domino! -- but you can.

Did you get anything done today? You must be joking, is the bane of my

life. I've got every Tom, Dick and Harry parking in my street.

VOICEOVER: Noreen wakes up at 4am everyday to open up the family

newsagent in Edinburgh. I'll have to get that spray paint, that black

spray paint and just paint over it and say, I'm sorry, I didn't...

There's no yellow lines in my street. How will you do that? If

there is no yellow line, they can't do anything. You can't just spray

the floor! I'll do it at night. What are you looking at? David Davis and

these texts. Cheers. That was nice of you getting that in, Goodlad.

Exit Minister David Davis was at the centre of a sexism row this week.

David Davis texting about Diane Abbott. VOICEOVER: The mail on

Sunday exclusively reported that leaked texts between a minister and

a Tory associates discussed how Davis did not hug Diane Abbott

because he "Wasn't blind". Politicians and banter. No, no, no.

In the paper and online they showed a convincing mock-up of the

messages. I can't believe he made an attempt to give DA a hug. Didn't. I

whispered in her ear, thanks for your vote, hence the "F" off. I'm

not blind. Slightly offensive, David. Slightly offensive. Dead

arrogant, isn't he? It would be a good optical express advert... Yes,

a reasonable success. The sooner rather means Specsavers, to start

with. I would have loved to have been in that Commons bar. When it's

all kicked off. She's effing and blinding. She was, big time. All he

did was go up to her and said, thanks for the vote. You would have

been ranging, wouldn't you? Boiling! -- raging. He said in his text it

would make a good advert for optical express. Who is optical express?

What he is saying is she's ugly and he needs glasses. Exactly. He ought

to be ashamed of himself. Who is optical express? I've never heard of

them. Where does that come from? You meant to say Specsavers, didn't he?

That shows you what these politicians are like, Frank, they

ain't got a clue what they are saying. They don't know what they

are talking about and they don't know what they are saying, Frank.

Who does he think he is? Talking about her looks? He must think he's

Erroll Flynn! The thought that he could do that to

a woman and a colleague at that. Someone who is well respected and

has been in Parliament. Long. You have the cheek at the audacity to

make those comments? -- been in Parliament so long. It's so out of

order. She's a bit sensitive because she's been under the weather, she

had that migraine! But you have to believe her, that's what she's

saying, you have to believe her. You could tell these guys are old.

Because they put exclamation marks. That is too harsh.

They missed the a out. Just old texting, this is. It all new to me,

these emojis. Sending a happy face and a lump of shite at the end of a

sentence. She is rising above it, I hope. She

ought to demand something out of it. How has he got time to go for a bevy

when he's supposed to be negotiating Brexit? How has he got all this

time? It shouldn't be in the bar, he should be focusing. It's been an

important week. Who is better looking? George Clooney or Mac Brad

Pitt? George Clooney. George Clooney. Silver Fox. Will Smith or

Jamie Foxx? Clint Eastwood or Morgan Freeman? I don't know what Clint

Eastwood looks like. Think about this one. Me or him? LAUGHTER

VOICEOVER: This week, the papers revealed some playful looking

pictures of a relaxed looking Barack Obama, freed from high office. He is

having a good time, isn't he? He's having the time of his life. He has

been enjoying some downtime, kite surfing with Richard Branson. You

see the headline here? Branson accused of publicity stunt over

Obama trip. Surely Richard Branson would never do anything publicity!

He was never sink so low. Absolutely not. No, what an outrageous calumny

that is. Did you see how the two of them were

play fighting? Like he's choking Obama and Obama is... Good friends.

He looks so relaxed. Looked good, didn't he, Obama? Really good. Yeah.

Nice looking fella, isn't he? He has a nice, masculine figure, hasn't he?

Yeah. I can't get my head around how this relationship between Richard

Branson and Barack Obama has come into fruition? On this beautiful

island they've managed to get the two people I'd most detested in all

the world. I really, really detest both of them. They are so

self-satisfied and anxious and ghastly. It is not very presidential

is it? He's not a president any more, he's a human, he's not been

able to... The Secret Service stopped hindering his favourite

activities. Do you think they play Tiddlywinks? -- stopped him doing

his favourite. Dominoes? Well... Do you know... If we went... If he

asked me to go on this trip with him, I would leave you behind. I

would, fecking Tiddlywinks and dominoes! We do that anyway.

Tiddlywinks! It would come bit of a shock when Richard gave him the bill

at the end. That would be good, wouldn't it? Wouldn't you like to

see his face? I'm off, now Richard, "O, just a moment, it's just the

bill". That's it. We just need your American Express card for a moment.

Everyone that has been relevant wants to stay relevant. This is how

he stays relevant, hanging out with a billionaire in a secluded

privately owned island. I think you're wrong. I think to Barack it

was genuinely a holiday. Why did they take photos? That was Branson.

To Branson, he wants to stay relevant because he wants to earn

more money. Before you know it, we will have Barack Obama on the side

of the virgin East Coast Trains. Hanging off a train? Yeah. Virgin, a

face you can believe in. # I knew you were trouble

when you walked in # Now I'm lying

on the cold, hard ground