Safari Park Count Arthur Strong


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Safari Park

Sitcom about an out-of-work former variety star with delusions of grandeur. Michael finds himself with a whole new family on a birthday outing.


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Transcript


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HE SIGHS

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DIALLING

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RINGING

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Hello.

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I believe you were recently involved in an accident

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that was not your fault.

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Thank goodness you've called!

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Oh, you were?

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Just now! How...? How did you know?

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Can you tell me how it happened?

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I'm not 100% certain myself.

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I'm lucky to be talking to you now, to be honest.

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It was touch and go there for a while!

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-Would you be interested in pursuing compensation?

-Compensation?! Really?

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Yeah, you could be entitled to compensation. Did you know that?

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-I have to say... What's your name?

-Roger.

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I have to say, Roger, you're terribly efficient.

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Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind, at this stage.

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I'm only now getting my breath back.

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Where did it happen?

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Um... Up there.

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-Where?

-There. Up there.

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In your home?

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Yes, in my home. Can't you see me?

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-No, I can't see you.

-But when I fell into the toilet, you saw that bit?

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No.

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What? You just heard the splash and put two and two together?!

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No!

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So, you just called on the off chance that I'd fallen

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into the toilet? That's very enterprising!

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How much do you think I can get?

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-Well, are you the homeowner or are you renting?

-Um...yes.

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-Which one?

-Which one what?

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Which one are you?

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Arthur. Remember?

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I fell down the toilet.

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Are you renting or do you own it?

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The toilet?!

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Came with the house, I think.

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No, the house! Do you own the house?

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I do! Oh! I see what you're getting at!

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I can sue myself! Will that make things easier or more complicated?

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No, no. You can't sue yourself!

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Why not? I think I've got quite a good case!

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I might even settle out of court.

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You can't owe yourself... Oh, God!

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You all right, mate?

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I hate my job. I hate my job.

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I hate it. I hate, hate, hate my job!

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I hate my job. I hate my job.

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Sorry to hear that. Why don't you leave?

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Maybe I will.

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-Maybe I will.

-What is it you do?

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Cup of tea, please, Sinem. Been quite a morning.

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Mm-hm.

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So?

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So, what?

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I'm giving you one chance.

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Say it. Let's have it.

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You've got no excuse. I told you yesterday.

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I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

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Ha...

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Happy...?

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Bir...?

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Birthday...

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Michael!

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What was the first part again?

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Happy birthday!

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Oh, thank you very much.

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-Wait a minute, that's not for months.

-To me!

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Unbelievable!

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Well, I'm not supposed to remember every sodding birthday, am I?

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-It's someone's birthday every day.

-That's two years in a row now.

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You always remember Eggy and John's.

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-Oh, that was a nice day.

-When I hired the houseboat?

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-Oh, wasn't it just, Eggy?

-Oh, it was lovely.

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We had cocktails on deck and everything.

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-It did sink, though.

-Only the front of it. It was bone dry at the back.

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You just couldn't get up there.

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We almost drowned, Arthur.

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John, do you remember when I hired that hot-air balloon?

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That was fun, wasn't it?

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Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost drowned.

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Look, it doesn't bother me... No, it does. It does.

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I don't know, I thought we were... You know what? You're just you.

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You're not being... You're just you!

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THEY CHUCKLE

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-What's so funny?

-Nothing.

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Happy birthday!

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Get your filthy hands off my sister.

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Maybe I didn't drop enough clues.

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Was I too subtle?

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I don't think you were too subtle.

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-AIR HORN

-Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow.

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It's just a general announcement.

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It's not aimed at anyone in particular!

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It's just, you know, when people are friends,

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it's nice to remember each other's birthdays.

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It's kind of a way of showing that you're not unhappy that

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they're alive. Arthur.

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AIR HORN

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Arthur!

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-Did you hear any of what I just said?

-Sorry, Michael.

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I've got things on my mind.

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I think the date might be up on one of my vouchers.

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50p off a leg of lamb. I'll keep that safe. Two for one,

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gym membership. Oh, here it is! I was right!

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This runs out today!

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I've got to get myself down to Ann Summers, whoever she is.

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I bet he did remember. He's just so cheap,

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he doesn't want to have to buy me a cup of tea or something.

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Um, yeah. Sorry, um, I just have to...

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-What's so funny?

-They're planning a surprise for Michael.

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-Please don't kiss customers on their birthday.

-He's my boyfriend.

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And a customer.

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We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss on their birthday.

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That's exactly the kind of thing idiot man will start asking for.

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You OK? Get the banner up.

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Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he realises I'm not

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a terrible friend.

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As I have been pretending to be for a number of years to give him

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this surprise today.

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It's a good thing Birdie overheard him talking to Sinem.

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After dinner, for which I have bought a superb South American

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Malbec, I thought we could watch Seven Samurai,

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which is my favourite film ever.

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-Hey! Three hours long.

-Oh, it flies by.

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-Can I cook, at least?

-Er, no, no, Sinem. I'll do it.

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I don't believe you.

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You get insulted when people forget your birthday and then when

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people remember, you don't want them to do anything for you.

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I know.

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On my tenth birthday, my dad promised me a trip to the zoo.

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Then, on the day,

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he decided to do a speech at a dinner for Tommy Cooper instead.

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Just like that.

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Ever since, I've been in charge of my own birthday and,

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as a result, it's always just the way I like it.

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I suppose that makes me terribly anal.

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What a strange place!

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-What is, Arthur?

-Ann Summers.

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I don't quite know how to describe it. It's a sort of...

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I don't know what sort of place it is.

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They had this, um...

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I don't know what it was. But it lit up.

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I think it had a bell on it.

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Oh, I don't know. I know I don't want to go there again, though.

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-Did you not use your voucher, then?

-Oh, no. I used the voucher.

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-Arthur.

-Yes, Birdie?

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Your man, Brian, he's just been telling a terrible sad story.

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Brian? You mean Michael?

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Yeah, one of those names. He was talking to Sinem.

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-What an awful brutal childhood he had.

-Really, Birdie? Go on, then.

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He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy Cooper instead!

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Oh!

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And now, as a result of it, he has a tremendous anal problem.

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Oh! Right, that settles it!

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We're going to give him a proper birthday.

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I'm going to pull all the stops out, no expense spared.

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It's in here somewhere, I know it is.

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A-ha! Here it is!

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-Ah, I've been saving this.

-What is it, Arthur?

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-This, Eggy, is the golden ticket.

-Golden ticket?

-Yes, you know.

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Like from Charlie's Wonky...Willy Factory.

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I'm going to give Michael a birthday to remember, if it kills him. Me.

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ALL: Surprise!

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Oh! Aw!

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Oh! Brian?! Who's Brian?

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Sorry about that. Birdie did that.

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But make no mistake, we are here to celebrate you, Brian.

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Er, Michael.

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Thank you very much. I don't know what to say.

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Oh, the child-like delight in your eyes says it all.

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But it's not over yet. For we are going on a magical mystery tour!

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-What?

-We have everything planned. Come on. Your carriage awaits.

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No, no, Arthur. Sinem and I have something pla...

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Did you know about this?

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-I did and they've promised to get you back in time.

-Fear not.

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We shall return you to your lady's arms at the appointed hour.

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-Er...

-Oh, Michael!

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For goodness' sake, be spontaneous, for once in your life!

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Oh, all right, what the heck!

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Arthur,

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I'm in your hands.

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-When can I take this off?

-When we're there.

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-How long's the drive?

-About an hour and a half.

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-I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour and a half!

-Go on, then.

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Take it off. But you'll spoil the sus-prise.

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Hello, Michael.

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Where are we going?

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Let me put it this way, do you like animals?

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They're all right.

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That's the spirit! Well, we're all going to Felsted Safari Park!

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-Hurray!

-Hurray!

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Oh.

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Oh, wow, OK. Why?

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-Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo.

-Because...?! Sorry?

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Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo, but this is the next best thing.

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Oh. Oh, you overheard me...

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No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo.

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Oh, doesn't matter.

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Thank you, Arthur. That's... That's very thoughtful.

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-The voucher gives us 60% off a family ticket.

-I'm the wife.

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And a wonderful wife you are, dear!

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-Oh, OK. Isn't Eggy coming?

-'Hello, Michael.'

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He's in the boot until we get in.

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It only pays for one child.

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OK, so, Eggy's in the boot and we're passing John off as a schoolboy?

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That's about the size of it.

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-John does not look like a schoolboy.

-Steady on, Michael.

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I'm sorry, you don't.

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-Now, boys.

-Michael! John! I will turn this car round!

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LAUGHS

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What do you think of the car, Michael?

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It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls-Royce of the car world.

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Can't be many of these still on the road.

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I tell you something,

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you would not believe how cheaply I was able to hire it for the day.

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They were practically begging me to take it away.

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-Right.

-Probably because there's a bit of a hole under my seat.

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Don't worry though. I've stuffed a load of newspapers down there,

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so it won't get too draughty in the back.

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'This is the same car we went to my birthday in, isn't it?'

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It is, Eggy.

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You... You all nearly died, didn't you, that time?

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-'We did.'

-Not because of the car, though.

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That was because I spent very little money on the boat.

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'That's right.'

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And then, on John's birthday, you all nearly died then too.

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Ha! That's right. We nearly drowned.

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Luckily, no chance of that in a safari park.

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Safari park.

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I'm going to a safari park.

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On my birthday.

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With Arthur.

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In this car.

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The car is safe, isn't it?

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Incredibly safe...for the money.

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It's secure?

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Bound to be secure, I...would imagine.

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Is it, though?

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Secure and safe? Full stop?

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Secure and safe, full stop, I would say.

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Categorically, safe and secure?

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Categorically, in general terms...I would imagine so.

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Arthur! Can you assure me that this car is completely safe?

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Ye-e-e-es...

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I'm going to die!

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'Arthur does like to cut corners.'

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I'm extremely frightened. We're going to a safari park!

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This doesn't feel safe! I don't feel safe, at all!

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Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you now.

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Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel it and just come home.

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You can make up an excuse later.

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Sneak away?

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Maybe.

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-I'll call you back.

-OK.

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FLIES BUZZING

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Michael?

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SPLOSH

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What are you doing?

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Just taking it all in.

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So beautiful out here.

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I sus-ppose.

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Are you coming, then?

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Yup.

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On my way.

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All right, everyone. Here we are. You know what to do.

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-Now, now, dear. Let's not argue.

-Nag, nag, nag!

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Women, eh? Oh, they'll be the death of me. Hello, my good man.

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I have here a voucher for a family ticket, please, thank you.

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For families.

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We are a family, as my wife and son will confirm.

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Although, don't pay too much attention to my son. He's shy.

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I love you and I always will, despite what my father decreed.

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Yes, let's not get into all that now, Birdie, my dear.

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My father opposed our love.

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Yes, that's not really an issue at the moment, Birdie.

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We're going to a safari park.

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And now we're a family, with a lovely wee boy.

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Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention to John, Birdie.

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-What about him?

-He's paying.

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-Here we go. Ooh! Isn't it exciting?

-He's circling!

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He's circling back to attack!

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-A couple of elephants.

-Hello!

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Oh, spotty horses.

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Oh, I wonder what's up with them. They must be poorly.

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That one's getting a free ride! Get down and walk like the rest of them!

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Ooh! Signs in the wild.

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It's coming near the car. It's coming near the car!

0:16:110:16:14

You all right, Michael? You sound highly stressed.

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No, I'm fine. Let's just get through this as quick as you can.

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-LIGHTER FLICKS

-John! Are you smoking?

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-Yeah.

-Why?

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It's just what you said. Try and be more like a schoolboy.

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You know, crafty one behind the bike sheds, sort of thing.

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You're in the back seat of a car!

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You're supposed to be with your parents!

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Oh, yeah. I suppose so.

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Sorry, I'll get rid of it.

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-Monkey!

-MONKEY SCREECHES

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Oh, look. It's the lions. They're my favourite.

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-EGGY:

-'Why do you like lions so much, Arthur?'

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I don't, Eggy. I can't stand them.

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I find them h-arrogant!

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But they're not so high and mighty now, are they?

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Eh? We're safe, here in the car and they're out there,

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thinking about how much they'd love to come and eat us.

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Dream on, you bloody idiots!

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Oh, and by the way,

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sorry again for forgetting to take you out of the boot at the entrance.

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'Don't worry about it, Arthur. It happens.

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'Too late to do anything about it now, anyway.'

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-CRACKLING John, I thought you were told to put that cigarette out.

-I did, Arthur.

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The floor! The floor's on fire!

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Oh! The cigarette's set the newspapers on fire!

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Why didn't you throw it out of the window?

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You're not supposed to have the windows open in a safari park.

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All right! Everybody out!

0:17:450:17:46

-Oh, my God!

-What are they doing? They're getting out of the car!

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-Erm...

-Arthur! Arthur, we have to get back in the car!

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-But there's fire in the car!

-There's lions out here!

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But there's fire in the car!

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-They're looking over.

-We have to get back inside!

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But what about the fire?

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-What about the lions?!

-Ooh! The lions, fire. The lions, fire!

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It's a dilemma!

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Wh-what does everyone else think?

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-We can't debate it!

-Come on, John! You must have an opinion!

0:18:120:18:15

It's not my field, Arthur.

0:18:150:18:17

-Who votes for getting back in the car?

-There's no time!

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On balance, I think we should get back in the car.

0:18:210:18:23

Get back in the car!

0:18:230:18:25

-OK, OK. They're getting back.

-Oh!

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COUGHING

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-They're getting back out again!

-What?!

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There's too much fire in the car!

0:18:350:18:37

-Everyone, try and look a bit less like food!

-Oh, God!

0:18:370:18:40

What are we going to do?

0:18:400:18:43

Eggy, how are you doing?

0:18:430:18:45

'I'm not too bad, Arthur. Are we home yet?'

0:18:450:18:48

Not quite. Um, you have a bit of a decision to make, Eggy.

0:18:480:18:53

'Oh, yes?'

0:18:530:18:55

There's fire in the car, but there's lions out here.

0:18:550:18:59

Given those circumstances, do you want to get out of the boot?

0:18:590:19:04

'I tell you what, let me out and I'll have a look at the situation.'

0:19:040:19:08

Right, you are.

0:19:080:19:09

-There's a little old man in the boot!

-What?!

0:19:160:19:20

LIONS ROAR

0:19:200:19:22

Oh, yeah. I see what you mean.

0:19:260:19:28

-All right, look, we're going to have to make a run for it.

-What?!

0:19:290:19:32

When I count to three, we all scatter in different directions.

0:19:320:19:35

Hopefully, the lions will become confused and not know who to

0:19:350:19:38

-pick to eat. Ready?

-Fire away!

0:19:380:19:41

-Ready.

-Are we going to do this?

0:19:410:19:42

-Are we really going to do this?!

-One, two, three.

0:19:420:19:47

Oh, look! The fire's gone out. Back in the car.

0:19:470:19:49

The little boy! The little boy! What's he doing?

0:19:500:19:54

Run! Run!

0:19:540:19:56

What about John?

0:19:570:19:59

Oh, it's all right. Look, they're not bothered.

0:19:590:20:02

-I want to go home.

-But what about the alligators?

-Now!

0:20:050:20:08

-'We have to pick up John.'

-Yes, of course, pick up John.

0:20:080:20:11

But then we go home.

0:20:110:20:12

-What about...?

-Arthur! You nearly killed us! I want to go home!

0:20:120:20:15

Oh, well. If that's the way you feel about it.

0:20:150:20:17

Ah!

0:20:220:20:24

Thank God! The little boy!

0:20:340:20:36

Hello.

0:20:360:20:39

Hello. Are you all right?

0:20:390:20:41

SHE SCREAMS

0:20:430:20:46

Oh, erm... CAR RATTLES

0:20:490:20:51

I'm sure that's nothing.

0:20:510:20:54

Actually, how about we get out and stretch our legs?

0:20:540:20:56

-No, I want to go home.

-Just let's stretch our legs for a minute.

0:20:560:21:00

-Car's broken down again, hasn't it?

-N-no.

0:21:020:21:06

HISSING

0:21:060:21:10

Ooh, broken down, you said?

0:21:120:21:14

Yes, it probably has broken down, is what I meant to say.

0:21:140:21:17

-Get the AA.

-Er, the car's not with the AA.

0:21:170:21:20

It's with the AAA.

0:21:200:21:22

They're a little cheaper.

0:21:220:21:24

But they promise to be out within 24 hours.

0:21:240:21:27

24 hours?!

0:21:270:21:29

-Right, that is it!

-THUNDERCLAP

0:21:290:21:32

Argh!

0:21:330:21:35

I don't know what's got you so upset.

0:21:350:21:37

We've had a nice time, haven't we?

0:21:370:21:40

No! No, we have not had a nice time, Arthur! You nearly killed us!

0:21:400:21:45

You nearly killed us, Arthur! And you know why?

0:21:450:21:47

Because you cut corners!

0:21:470:21:49

You cut so many corners that you are literally putting lives at risk.

0:21:490:21:54

-Well, maybe we can...

-What?

-Flag a...

-What, Arthur?

0:21:540:21:57

We are miles from anywhere.

0:21:570:21:58

You're a member of something called the AAA,

0:21:580:22:00

it is pouring with rain and now my phone has run out!

0:22:000:22:03

What do you suggest we do?

0:22:030:22:04

I'll go and see if I can find some help.

0:22:050:22:08

-EGGY:

-'Can I get out now?'

0:22:100:22:12

Come on, everyone. Let's have a singsong.

0:22:150:22:17

# Oh... #

0:22:170:22:19

Birdie, Birdie, I'm not in the mood.

0:22:190:22:21

I could be home. Nice food, bottle of wine.

0:22:230:22:26

Instead, I'm here.

0:22:290:22:31

Ha-ha. That's true enough.

0:22:310:22:33

You're definitely here.

0:22:330:22:35

-How do you do it, Birdie?

-How do I do what?

0:22:350:22:38

You're always so cheerful.

0:22:380:22:40

Why wouldn't I be cheerful? I'm having a brilliant time!

0:22:400:22:42

How?

0:22:460:22:47

I never thought I'd go to a safari park, something like that.

0:22:470:22:50

It wasn't until I met Arthur that things like that started

0:22:500:22:53

happening to me.

0:22:530:22:54

I get a bit low sometimes, you know, but like, you know,

0:22:540:22:58

there's some lovely people there, but being at the shelter,

0:22:580:23:00

you know, you get the blues sometimes. You know, that way.

0:23:000:23:03

It's just nice to get away from it all for a while.

0:23:030:23:06

You know? Better to look at a lion for the day than sheep for the rest

0:23:060:23:10

of your life.

0:23:100:23:11

Oh, look. Here comes Arthur.

0:23:160:23:17

Spotted a cafe over that way. We'll have to get going, though.

0:23:200:23:23

-It's a long walk.

-Arthur.

0:23:230:23:24

-Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting...?

-Oh, no, no.

0:23:270:23:29

No, you were right.

0:23:290:23:31

I wanted to give you a special day, but I cut so many corners,

0:23:310:23:34

I just ruined it.

0:23:340:23:35

It's just like when it was Eggy's birthday and we all nearly drowned.

0:23:350:23:39

Or John's birthday and we all...nearly drowned.

0:23:390:23:42

I just can't do anything right. I'm cheap.

0:23:420:23:46

I mean, who else carries a box of vouchers around? Vouchers.

0:23:460:23:50

Hang on.

0:23:500:23:52

Birdie, have you got that I gave you from Ann Summers?

0:23:520:23:56

I do, Arthur.

0:23:560:23:58

They're lovely stockings, but they're not really my style.

0:23:580:24:01

Brilliant. Eggy, when I give you the thumbs up, try the engine.

0:24:010:24:04

Oh, Arthur. You're...

0:24:040:24:06

You're not going to use it as a fan belt, are you?

0:24:060:24:09

-I think that only works in films.

-ENGINE STARTS

0:24:100:24:12

It's working! It's working!

0:24:120:24:15

Quick! Get back in, before it changes its mind!

0:24:150:24:18

Should get us as far as that cafe.

0:24:190:24:21

-# Happy birthday dear Michael BIRDIE:

-..Brian!

0:24:240:24:28

# Happy birthday to you! #

0:24:280:24:31

THEY CHEER

0:24:310:24:33

I'll be mum.

0:24:340:24:36

FAKE COUGHS

0:24:360:24:39

I remember when I first met Michael.

0:24:390:24:42

There... Um... Erm...

0:24:420:24:44

Er...

0:24:450:24:47

Enough of my stories!

0:24:480:24:50

Let's all raise a glass to the man who's become

0:24:500:24:53

a fixture in all our lives.

0:24:530:24:55

Like a spoon or... a thing for salt, um...

0:24:550:24:59

Actually, maybe that spoon's a bit dirty. Um, but Michael...isn't.

0:24:590:25:05

He's clean. Like a...bar of soap or a washing machine.

0:25:050:25:11

Not once have I had to step in and have a word.

0:25:110:25:14

To Michael!

0:25:140:25:16

-ALL:

-To Michael!

0:25:160:25:18

Well, thank you very much.

0:25:180:25:20

It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake I've ever had.

0:25:200:25:24

It's not bad, is it? Mm! It's very dense.

0:25:240:25:27

I get the feeling there's more than one kind of meat in here.

0:25:270:25:30

I like that in a sausage. There's a lot going on.

0:25:300:25:33

Seriously, though, Michael, it's been a pleasure knowing you,

0:25:330:25:36

these last few years.

0:25:360:25:38

I'll second that.

0:25:380:25:40

- I don't really know you.

0:25:400:25:42

You'd do anything for anyone.

0:25:420:25:44

-You haven't got a selfish bone in your body.

-Very true, Eggy.

0:25:440:25:47

We could learn a lot from Michael.

0:25:470:25:49

Are you finishing that?

0:25:490:25:52

Do you want it?

0:25:520:25:53

-Well, if you're not having it.

-It's all yours.

0:25:530:25:57

Will I get another round in?

0:25:570:25:59

Thanks, Eggy, but just still working on this one.

0:25:590:26:02

Actually, I've had a lot of fun, so thank you, guys.

0:26:040:26:07

Just a shame you won't be back in time for Sinem.

0:26:070:26:10

I wouldn't be too sure about that. BELL PINGS

0:26:100:26:13

-What's this?

-I got you one of those motorcycle shuttle services.

0:26:130:26:17

This bloke will whizz you through the traffic,

0:26:170:26:19

get you back in time for your big night.

0:26:190:26:21

Oh, Arthur, that's... That's so kind.

0:26:210:26:24

This must have cost you a few quid.

0:26:240:26:26

You don't need to say anything. Just go.

0:26:260:26:29

OK, lead the way.

0:26:290:26:31

Thank you, guys.

0:26:330:26:35

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye, Michael!

0:26:350:26:36

-And you didn't even need to use a voucher.

-Oh, no. I used a voucher.

0:26:360:26:41

-Bloody helmet!

-What's wrong with the helmet?

0:26:480:26:51

Oh, the visibility's very poor.

0:26:510:26:54

You do know you're not actually looking at me right now, don't you?

0:26:540:26:58

Oh, sorry.

0:26:580:26:59

Still not looking at me.

0:27:010:27:03

Sorry, this may sound like a silly question, but...can you see?

0:27:030:27:08

I can see most...things.

0:27:080:27:11

No hurry!

0:27:130:27:14

I said, no hurry!

0:27:140:27:16

Watch that rock!

0:27:160:27:18

There's a corner!

0:27:180:27:19

Well, we'd better start, if we're walking back.

0:27:220:27:24

Oh, no. I got us a taxi.

0:27:240:27:26

-Oh, wasn't that a lovely day?

-And no-one drowned.

0:27:300:27:34

-Oh, my God!

-Yeah, yes. Quite a day.

0:27:360:27:39

Are you all right?

0:27:390:27:41

Oh, you know.

0:27:420:27:44

Water off a duck's back.

0:27:440:27:45

Lovely.

0:27:510:27:52

Michael finds himself with a whole new family on a birthday outing, but Arthur's money-saving schemes cause chaos.