Episode 1 Cradle to Grave

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Bermondsey, South London. One of the most expensive parts of London,

full of swish apartment blocks and modern architecture.

You'd have to have a nice few quid to live here now.

But it wasn't always like that.

When I grew up here, back in the '70s...

-YOUNG DANNY:

-..there were council flats and corner shops,

factories and bombsites.

It's beaten-up and run-down

and nobody's got any money.

But it doesn't matter -

this is Bermondsey, South London,

where I'm from.

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# From the cradle to the grave

-# I know I won't be a slave

-# I know I won't be a slave

# To the mistakes that I made

# From the cradle...

# We won't go

# Till I'm ready

# From the cradle to the grave. #

MUSIC: Tomorrow Night by Atomic Rooster

Will you turn that racket off?

I can't keep count here!

What?! It's Atomic Rooster.

"It's Atomic Rooster?"

Do you hear that, Bet? It's Atomic Rooster(!)

Yeah, lovely, we'll have two of them next time, eh, Fred?

Here, what you got on your nut?

It's an activist's hat. John Lennon wears one.

Does he? Well, you can give it back to him cos

-you're not going out dressed like that.

-Why not?

-"Why not?"

Cos you look like a big ginger beer, that's why not.

Take it off your head and give it back to your mother.

She can dry up with it. Danny!

Don't your mates want none of these footballs cluttering the house up?

They've all bought one.

Bought one? Well, tell them to buy another one.

You've got to knock them out, son.

I've got 300 pairs of Wellington boots coming the day after tomorrow.

This pump's poxed as well!

Home was number 11, Debnams Road, London. SE16.

It was always full of "stuff".

Some items more readily shiftable than others.

For a short while, one of Dad's most popular items

was continental quilts.

# The best things in life are free... #

Here you go.

# But you can give them to the birds and bees... #

-That's it. Pass them on.

-# I need money... #

It was like living inside an enormous bag of marshmallows.

For days, my sister, Sharon, and my brother, Michael,

-couldn't get into their bedrooms...

-Michael!

Take that bleeding cap off.

# Your love gives me such a thrill... #

Fred, we can't go on living like this.

I've got nowhere to put me feet!

God knows where the bleeding dog is.

I'm sorting it all out.

It'll be gone by the weekend, girl.

Get out of it!

And they were...

-Hi.

-Are you all right?

-Thanks very much. See you, love.

-Bye.

..to be replaced by...

And...

-Or once, as I remember...

-DOGS BARK

This was Spud's economy. A kingdom where no detail was overlooked.

What are you doing?

Don't do that to me when I'm doing this.

I'm straightening the electric out.

I though we already had it straightened.

Yeah, I'm making it completely straight.

Fred, unless that wheel turns a bit,

it looks like we don't use no electricity in this house.

That's all right, if the bloke calls round

we'll have Michael answer the door, say we're all hippies.

Bollocks. I've dropped my putty now.

The phone's been cut off again, have you got any plans for that?

Yeah, I've told Sharon to tell them I've had a heart attack

and it's essential, so they'll have to put it back on.

Hold my torch for me, will you?

I have been holding a torch for you

a long time, Freddy Baker.

You watch it don't go out.

There you go, that's lovely, that.

Aww. The putty's sticking out on that side.

Well, it don't have to be tidy.

You can see it, Fred.

MUSIC: The Air That I Breathe by The Hollies

ZAPPING AND EXPLOSION

What the f...?

Stop the wheel! Stop the wheel!

Every turn's a fucking tenner!

I ain't touching... Oh, Fred!

I wish I could tell you that Dad was a legitimate importer/exporter.

In fact, he was a docker...

# Divided, we'll fall... #

..and, as a result, quite a few ships left our ports

a little lighter than they should have.

# Let's work together

# Come on, come on

# Let's work together

# Now, now, people

# Because together we will stand... #

Are you sure we can drink this?

I promise you, methanol - same as alcohol.

This is what they make it from.

It's the same family. It's the "..ohol" bit.

What you talking about? It's not "alcanol," is it?

Trust me, Spud.

It's booze.

Look, it must be on its way to a German distillery.

In that case,

I think we're entitled to a little bit of export tax, don't you?

-What's it like?

-'king hell!

Can you still see us, Spud?

It's not a bad drop, that.

Ooh, it's not.

Handsimonious, that.

Go and get a hose.

We'll siphon it off.

Do you know what I think that is?

I think that's what they call "schnapps."

I had schnapps in Frankfurt

when I was in the army.

I think the krauts might have won the war

if they'd laid off this stuff.

Here we go.

ALL: Oh!

It was embalming fluid.

I'd like to say he didn't still bottle it up

and sell it around Bermondsey, but I've never been 100% certain.

And so, to the night Colin,

my sister's Sharon's boyfriend,

was coming round to our place for the first time.

I think I'll meet Colin at the top of the street, Mum.

Oh, don't be so silly.

You're building it up too much.

And I've told your dad not to embarrass you.

He won't be wearing them plimsolls, will he?

I don't know. I told him not to.

Aye, aye. Where's he going?

Out with Sharon.

What, with her and Steamboat Bill?

He's called Colin, Dad. And I wish he wasn't coming round now.

He's all right, Sharon.

Your father makes a lot of noise

but he ain't going to do nothing, are you Fred?

Me?! Anyway where's he taking her, to go and see Joey Hendrix?

Jimi Hendrix - and he's dead.

All right, all right. Don't you start.

Just cos I let you have one orange jacket.

What have I told you about the way he's turning out?

They're taking Danny out to the theatre, I told you.

Oh, yeah. The one where they all strip off.

Yeah, It's a protest musical. It's political.

"Political?" Does he know they get it all out?

That's just paper talk, Fred. It ain't nothing like that.

I hoped it wasn't. I'd been thinking about nothing else for two weeks...

DOORBELL RINGS

-DOG BARKS I'll get that.

-Fred...

All right, all right, I'm not a crackpot!

Hello, Mr Baker, I'm Colin.

MUSIC: Hole In My Shoe by Traffic

Well, you can fuck off for a start.

-Fred!

-What?

-I'm Colin.

-Sure you're not Andy Capp?

I've, er, I've come to pick Sharon up.

Oh, no, mate. The only thing you'll be picking up, dressed like that,

is your nose off the pavement if you don't shift, son.

Oh, leave him alone!

-Hello, boy. Don't mind him, he don't mean it.

-Don't I?

If you think I'm letting a daughter of mine walk out

with some soapy fucker in plimsolls, you've got another thing coming!

-I'll meet you by the bus stop.

-Oi, Oi, Oi!

I'll be up there meself in a couple of minutes

and if you're still there,

you're going straight under the next double decker, all right?

For God's sake, Dad!

-What d'you have to go and talk to him like that for?

-Well...

We're still going, ain't we?

Plimsolls.

Shall I just wait here?

I don't know, I don't know where he is.

(Sharon!)

(Sharon!)

Colin...

-..what are you doing over here?

-Are you on your own?

He won't really throw you under a bus.

-He's a bloody maniac, your dad.

-He don't mean any of that.

Well, why does he say it then?

Anyway, what are you wearing them poxy plimsolls for?

I told you not to.

Ain't you got any other shoes?

A pair of Persian slippers and some orange desert boots.

Fair enough. Come on.

'I'd actually been quietly crushed by Dad's reaction.

'You see, I absolutely idolised Colin

'and I loved how he looked.'

All right? 'Even his plimsolls.'

What's wrong with plimsolls anyway?

What's wrong with YOU?

Me and my mates could only dream of gear like Colin's.

With the end-of-year disco looming,

the peak of our fashion ambition was a pair of two-tone tonic trousers.

Do you reckon they'll still have 'em next week?

I ain't go no chance. I've only got a pound.

Ain't me birthday till March.

What are you going to be, six?

Oh, six! At least I've got a mum.

I ain't getting them in plum and blue.

Everyone's got them in plum and blue.

They don't do them in our size in turquoise and gold.

-Yeah, they do, I've seen them.

-No, you ain't.

Oi, oi, what's this - tramp's outing?

Hello, Len, what you got?

-Pair of tonics.

-You're joking. Show us.

ANGELIC CHOIR SINGING

Oi, Oi, Oi. Off the cloth, moth.

I told you they did them in turquoise and gold in our size.

They don't any more. These are the last ones.

-What do you mean?

-Old man Nelson marked my card, didn't he?

That's it, they ain't making them in our size any more.

What, they're the last pair?

They got loads of plum and blue left. Thousands of them.

Now, unlike you 'moes, I've got loads of birds to shag.

So, you, drop...back!

INDISTINCT

# I'm in with the in crowd

# I go where the in crowd goes... #

I think plum and blue are the best, y'know?

Especially with all the lighting in there.

What are you all dressed the same for?

Cos these are in.

Plum and blue?

-Lenny Byart's got a pair of turquoise and gold.

-Yeah, we know.

And he's taking Marion Chivers out in them on Wednesday.

What? I didn't know he was going out with Marion Chivers.

He wasn't. But he's got a pair of turquoise and golds now, hasn't he?

Here, I'm asking her out.

Amanda Bold? You ain't got no chance, mate.

No, no, no. I think she likes me.

Oi, oi!

Len, where are your turquoise and golds?

I'm not going to waste 'em here, am I?

You all look the same, you divaloes.

AND that's West Ham colours.

Drop...back!

Look, Len, Len. I need to ask you something.

I've got to borrow your turquoise and golds.

Oh, get lost, mate - no chance. I ain't even worn them myself yet.

Do us this one favour. Come on.

Remember when I let you shoot me in the arse with that air pistol?

-Yeah.

-I'm going to ask out Amanda Bold, you see, Len,

and all you need to do is borrow them to me for two hours.

It's guaranteed then, innit?

You're mental. I'm not going to lend you trousers

-when I ain't even worn them myself.

-Oh, come on, you've got to.

I'll give you a pound.

I don't want a pound.

-All right. I'll give you five pound.

-You ain't got five pound!

All right, I'll give you a pound.

Come on - they're only going to be hanging up in your house.

A pound? For two hours?

Just while I ask her out.

All right.

Lenny's reluctance was unusual.

People on the estate were normally quite happy to help each other out.

Freddie. Fred.

Floating.

Freddie? Can you help Lil out?

-Why? What's the matter?

-Radio Rentals say they're coming round

-to take our telly back.

-Where's Wal?

Oh, he's gone out. He'll have a right hump about it.

The Avengers is on tonight.

He likes that.

Right.

MUSIC: White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

-Yes?

-From Radio Rentals.

I'm sorry, but I've come to take the set back.

God... Um, I suppose you'd better come in, then.

-Who's this?

-It's Radio Rentals. This is my husband, Walter.

-The man's come to...

-I've come to repossess the set.

-You what?

-Stand aside, please, sir. It's our property.

-I'm sorry, Wally.

-Well, how long has she been missing the payments?

-About eight weeks now.

-I'm really sorry, honestly I am.

-I'm sure you are...now.

Look, I've been giving her the money, mate,

-she's been spending it.

-Well, it was only on food, Wally.

Bollocks to food! She's been up the bingo with it.

Here! Go on, take the thing. Take it.

Sorry about this, mate. I can't apologise enough.

And as soon as you're out that door, mate, I'll knock it out of her.

-Please, Wally, I didn't mean to!

-No, and I won't mean to neither.

-Not in front of the man, Wally...

-He won't save you.

Now, now, wait a minute, Mr Shaw.

I don't want this to get nasty.

-You clear off - I'll sort this myself.

-Look, please, please.

I don't want to cause any ructions - I can't leave it like this.

How about I go back and have a word about extending your credit?

Oh, could you?

Oh, that would be marvellous, Mr...?

What if I were to do that, sir?

Well, you can pay for it,

out of your housekeeping - cos I'm not paying twice.

Yes, Wally. Straight. I will.

Go on, then! Put it back.

Actually, could I try it over there?

I've always wanted to move it.

Actually, I did like it better where it was.

Here. There you go, mate.

There's five bob for your aggravation.

Oh, thank you very much!

Hey-hey!

Oh, Freddie, you are murder.

He thought you was going to kill me.

Only thing that gets knocked is Radio Rentals!

There you go, girl, that should see you right for a couple of months.

Oh, ta, love.

The nearest thing we had to a youth centre

was a creepy street of abandoned old houses,

locally known as Mud Island.

Why?

Cos they were literally sinking into the rotten, Rotherhithe mud.

Yeah, there's shit in here somewhere.

Always is in old houses.

I reckon Teddy Dunderdale's been in here again.

Always leaves them behind. It's his trademark.

-Where's Martin?

-Lenny's dropping the trousers round.

He ain't really borrowing them, is he?

Yeah, he's paid a pound to use them.

Lenny told me it was a fiver.

Why would he pay a fiver when they only cost 2.25?

-Turquoise and gold.

-Amanda Bold.

He won't get hold of Amanda Bold.

No-one gets hold of her.

Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold.

# Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold

# Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold! #

Oi! You up there?

That's Martin.

Shh, shh, shh.

Here, don't muck about - what room you in?

HE MIMICS GHOST

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Where are ya?

You up here?

What room?

-GHOSTLY VOICE:

-Ma-a-a-arti-i-in!

Don't muck about, it's boring.

What room you in?

Is it this one?

Sh, sh, sh.

Come on, you moes, I ain't got time for this.

LOUD CRASH

THEY LAUGH

Martin - we're in here.

Mart?

What was that noise?

Martin?

Oh, shit...

-Martin.

-Martin.

-Martin.

-Martin!

Mart?

He ain't moving.

Shit.

Other than a few pets, this was our first proper experience of death.

We hadn't quiet mastered grief either...

Dickie was crying.

No, I'm not!

Oi, shut up. It's Martin's auntie.

Len, what's up?

Do you reckon his mum brought my trousers?

-Oh, shut up about your trousers.

-Well, when can I ask for them back?

Not today. Have some respect.

Yeah, you're going to have to wait at least another week, mate.

-Too late. I'm going out with Amanda Bold on Friday.

-Amanda Bold?

I thought you were going out with Marion Chivers.

-Yeah, I am.

-So, how comes you're going out with Amanda Bold as well?

Well, he's not going out with her now, is he?

Would you boys like to come in and pay your respects now?

ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Be strong.

We're all in shock.

My strides!

My strides!

He can't go down the hole in my strides.

Not my turquoise and golds!

# Turquoise and gold, down the hole

# Turquoise and gold, down the hole

# Turquoise and gold, down the hole

# Turquoise and gold down the hole... #

So, anyway, there I was, with Colin and Sharon,

sitting in the West End,

waiting for loads of actresses to start prancing about in the nude.

This had to go better than the last time

I'd attempted to see a female in the state of undress.

MUSIC: Me And Mrs Jones by Billy Paul

Whenever my nan went on holiday,

it was my job to go round

and feed her goldfish and her budgie.

In the process,

I worked out that me and my newly acquired girlfriend, Yvonne,

would have the flat to ourselves for a few hours.

Ain't you going to take these trousers off?

No way.

BUDGIE CHIRPS

KEYS JINGLE

What was that?

It's all right, it's all right.

I've got the only key.

'What I should have added there were the words "I think."'

KEYS JINGLE AND DOOR OPENS

DOOR HANDLE RATTLES

(We should go.)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my good God!

Oh, what have I just seen?

Oh, I've gone blind!

Oh! In me mother's bed...

Oh! Right, you get home now, you dirty little bastard!

I am telling your father right now!

And yours, Yvonne!

D'you know, my dad's going to have you murdered for this, don't you?

It had occurred to me, yeah.

Then there's your dad.

And there's my mum...

My brother...

Uncle Eddie's a maniac as well...

PHONE RINGS

-'Hello?'

-Hello, Mum? It's me...

I said it's me. Danny.

What should I do, Mum?

Well, you should get back here.

Now.

Your father wants to see you.

OK. Er...

What about Yvonne?

I haven't said anything to her dad - I daren't.

And you've got enough to worry about with your father so get home, now.

What did she say?

My dad's going to kill me.

Yeah, what about me?

Oh, she said she's not going to say nothing to your dad.

So, I'm all right?

Oh, brilliant.

I tell you what - I'm never doing anything like that again, OK?

Great(!)

More good news(!)

Music: Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin

Danny! Danny! Danny!

You wait till your father gets home.

This didn't bear thinking about.

I'd recently witnessed what had happened

to the last member of our family to really upset Mum.

Tom the tortoise.

Dad adored Tom, even though they seemed to be constantly arguing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Now, I won't tell you again,

stop fucking eating my crysanths.

Listen to me,

that's your side of the garden and that's mine.

Stay away from my side, do you understand?

Dad, he's a tortoise. He can't understand, can he?

Heh-heh! He understands all right.

And another thing, stay out the front room, got it?

This is how Dad spoke to everything,

from blue bottles...

Go on. Land on my leg, see what you fucking get!

..to my brother's disappointing lizard...

Oi, liven your ideas up!

Don't you look at me like that!

..but Tom, in particular, just wouldn't be told,

which led to the great teapot disaster of 1973.

INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE ON TV

He's thick.

My mum's absolute pride and joy was her collection of novelty teapots.

He's not got one right yet.

Fred?

This is all set up before it's even started, this.

What?

My teapots just moved.

Moved, what do you mean moved?

-Well, have a look. They're moving.

-Bollocks!

Is it the trains doing it?

They did, they just moved.

Danny, go and have a look.

Four eyes, look at four eyes here.

MUSIC: Intro to Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple

-Bamber.

-Oh, yeah!

It's Tom, he's stuck underneath.

-What, the tortoise?

-Yeah.

Well, get him out before the whole thing...

THEY SCREAM

-Oh, my God.

-Naughty bastard.

Look at my teapots!

What am I going to do - sellotape 'em?

Yeah, I'd run away and all if I was you!

We had to hide Tom away for two weeks

after Dad swore he was going to turn his shell into a jelly mould.

And I daren't even guess what was going to happen to me.

Fred, he's in now.

Right, leave him to me.

Well, don't hurt him.

I know exactly what to do here. Are you all right now?

Well, I am now, but I shall never get over what I saw.

FOOTSTEPS

Where are you?

Your mother's been downstairs crying all day long

cos of what she's seen round Nan's.

She said it was like a fucking knocking shop round there.

You had your trousers round your ankles showing all you ain't got -

who the fuck do you think you are, Joey Hendrix or whoever he's called?

Have you gone batchy? I've never heard anything like it

in ALL MY LIFE!

(Take no notice, son.

(It's just for her, this.

(I was the same at your age.)

And you can go to bed hungry tonight!

Bollocks to your tea,

and bollocks to going out for the rest of the week and all.

(Getting on all right, was you? Before she turned up?)

Have you got that?

You're in disgrace, you are. Don't forget it!

It was an incredible moment.

That night, I realised we were both men of the world.

So, anyway, there I was,

finally waiting to witness this much-talked-about event

in British theatre.

MUSIC: From Hair The Musical

And then, at that generation-defining moment,

two things.

First, I hadn't quite factored in

that I'd be sitting next to my own sister...

..and second, blokes.

The cast was mainly blokes.

And then it happened...

SLAP

I'll say goodnight, then.

I said...

Well, did you see anything?

Just arses or did they run around?

How was their orchestra stalls?

HE LAUGHS

Any of them keep their plimsolls on?

MUSIC: Baba O'Riley by The Who

If this was the counterculture,

then give me Val Doonican,

give me Pinky and Perky,

but above all, right now,

someone give me a flannel.

After everything that had happened,

we no longer felt like using Mud Island

as an adventure playground.

I'd be careful where you tread in there.

Teddy!

It's his trademark!

We never forgot our mate but, soon enough,

we did find other uses for the old place.

Sharon finished with Colin not long after that night out.

She said he wasn't her sort of bloke,

which was exactly why Dad spoke to him the way he did.

It was a test, and Colin had failed it.

See you later.

Michael!

My old man never missed a thing.

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# As it all goes whizzing by

# From the cradle to the grave

# From the cradle to the grave

# I know I won't be a slave

# I know I won't be a slave... #