Episode 3 Cradle to Grave

This programme contains strong language

# They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

# From the cradle to the grave

# From the cradle to the grave

# I know I won't be a slave

# I know I won't be a slave

# To the mistakes that I've made

# From the cradle to the grave

# I won't go home till I'm ready From the cradle to the grave. #

'It was Danny's fault, he said get the ladder.

'I never said put it up against the bank

'and I never chucked Coxy's wallet through the window.

'Coxy had to climb in and get it.

'He was so happy when he found it, but you can't miss out

'on a opportunity like that, can you? It had to be done.'

-So what happened?

-Well, he had to wait for the police.

They accepted it was a prank gone wrong -

but Coxy, he had to pay fine of £50.

50 quid!

I had to pay for it. Skinted me.

It was funny, though.

Yeah, but you've got to be careful havin' a laugh.

I remember when we thought it'd be funny to knock Harry Sarti's hat off.

'Harry was as bald as a coot

'and he wouldn't take his hat off for love nor money.

'Upended a vicar who tried to make him

'take it off at his mum's funeral.

'Well, it was a challenge, wasn't it?'

Me and my brother Alfie - this was before he left the docks, mind -

'measured Harry up when he was havin' a kip...

'but he'd taken his boots off, see.

'And that was the problem - we forgot to allow another inch

'and half for his soles.

'The big day came and...'

Shit! Harry, are you all right?

Quick! Lower the hook! Lower the hook!

So you hit your mate on the head with a crane hook?

Well, that's not what we intended - it was supposed to knock his hat off.

Get on it, Harry!

That it! That's right, lift him up. Get it up, come on, come on.

Me hat! Me hat!

Leave your hat, leave it!

Fucking hell! We'll get you another one.

We all know, everybody knows, you're bald as a door knob.

So, the point is, Harry shouldn't have been so vain?

Or you should have been more careful?

Neither. The point is, pretty soon after that happened,

Harry Sarti stopped wearing his hat.

He got rid of that comb-over.

He got a lot more confident about himself, and two years later

as a result, he run off with that crane driver's missus.

So, you see, these things you do, they can accelerate, can't they?

I need to get some scratch together,

supposed to be taking that Debbie out tonight.

Are you still collecting records?

Yeah.

'Steve was the youngest of a local family of villains - the Churchers.'

-Oh, blimey, Steve, I thought

-I

-had some old shit.

There must be summink you want to buy?

Oh, yeah, you would have this one -

his poxy first album, you can get anywhere for 30 pence.

# There's a rubber band that plays tunes out of tune... #

'But as Dad said, these things can accelerate.

'And my foot was just about to hit the pedal.'

What's this - your nan's?

You do know cassettes are only this big these days?

That's a telly cassette.

Telly cassette?

It's for the telly.

Here, look.

What's that?

It's a video recorder.

MUSIC: Rising Damp Theme

What's goin' on?

I told you, it's a cassette for the telly. My mum hates it -

she thinks it's too big for the room.

It's only twenty to three.

How can Rising Damp be on at twenty to three?

What have you done?

I taped it the other night.

You know like a cassette tapes your music, well, this tapes your telly.

No, Steve, you can't TAPE the telly. That's mad, you...

You can't record the television!

Watch.

Now what's happened?

I've paused it.

You can't pause the telly! What are you doin'?

Straight - what are you doin'?

One of me old man's mates nicked it out of Thames Television.

And it tapes Thames Television?

It tapes ALL television.

Are you jokin'?

Did you not know we had one of these?

-No!

-He's gettin' another one next week, more modern.

He's gettin' another one?

Oh, Steve, mate, you've gotta let me have this one.

It ain't mine to sell.

Do us a favour, go and ask your old man how much he wants for it.

My dad? You sure?

Yeah!

-'It's Rigsby!

-It's Rigsby(!)'

Have you had a bereavement?

'I had entered a parallel universe.'

Forget it, Dan, he wants 100 quid.

100!

Here, Kath, give us a slice of your bread puddin', will ya?

Comin' right up.

Only there's a Russian freighter sinking out there.

They need somethin' to block up the hole.

Oh, balls to ya.

Determined to take the piss out of me right to the last day, ain't ya.

Yeah. We are.

I've cooked hot dinners for you ponces for the last 30 years.

I've never had a word of thanks.

You don't have to eat them, do ya?

No wonder no-one else wants to bleedin' buy this place.

-Oh, you know we loves ya, Kath.

-Do I?

Haven't you got any steak for later?

Yes...I have, as it happens. Why?

Cos Terry's got a hole in his boot and he needs it soled and heeled.

Oh, bollocks!

'In fact, like many old industries,

'the docks were facing closure, with dockers offered money to quit.

'And now, new faces were appearing.'

Who's that?

That's the new security firm they got in.

-Blimey, they only look about 15.

-Ha-ha. Lovely.

Lovely? What's lovely about that?

They won't have heard about any of the fiddles, will they?

He's right, we can go right through the book with 'em.

I reckon we could do Cat In The Box with kids like that.

'Cat In The Box was the oldest trick in the dockers' book.'

-What you got in the box, Spud?

-Stray cat, Norm, for me daughter.

I'm going to have to look inside, I'm afraid.

-Come on. It's a stray cat.

-Open her up.

-CAT HISSES

-Bloody hell!

Fucking hell! Thanks a lot(!) Thank you(!)

'Dad normally gave it about half an hour.'

Want to see the cat again?

-No, no, you're all right, Spud, go on.

-Cheers, Norm.

All right, calm down in there.

'We had ham sandwiches for a month after that.'

Can't do Cat In The Box no more.

Reggie tried it the other week over at the East Gate,

and they looked in the box the second time.

-They looked in the box the second time?

-Yeah.

So what? He offered 'em a drink.

They weren't interested in a drink. They put Reggie on report.

-They weren't interested in a drink?!

-No.

They're onto everything, they're not even a little bit approachable.

So maybe it's time to take the money.

Yeah. You might be right there, Ern,

the offer was up to 1,200 quid in the last letter.

Don't you wonder why they're so keen to pay us off?

You take that money, might as well cut your own throat.

The old game's changing, Spud. This ain't a job for life no more.

Don't piss about back there, you'll blow us all through the roof.

Hold on. Just need to connect it all up.

DOOR CLOSES

Hello?

-Where is everyone?

-In here!

I've been given two weeks to come up with the 100 quid,

but right now, I was too excited to worry about that.

What the fucking hell is that monstrosity?

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, our house is now a cinema.

What is it?

It's a video recorder. It records the television.

What for?

So you can watch programmes again.

-What for?

-Well, you can keep shows on it.

Keep shows?! You can fucking stage shows on that -

look at the size of it. Where did you get it?

Here, ain't Joey Churcher got one of them?

Joey Churcher? I hope not!

I'm off out now, see you later. What is that?

It's a video recorder.

Who you meetin' tonight, Gog or Magog?

I'll be in about 11, Mum.

Be careful.

Make sure you are. Keep your hand on your ha'penny.

She's off out with Roger again. Six months now.

Why does she never she bring him home more often?

I wonder(!)

Right, there you go. Ready?

Born ready.

This is good, innit(?)

-Maybe it needs tuning in?

-Yeah.

Oi! Don't piss about with that, took us three days to find BBC Two!

RIGSBY: Better place than this, too!

What's that?

That's last week's Rising Damp!

Yeah, and we watched that last week.

You know what it looks like?

Like the telly's had a stroke. THEY LAUGH

It does! How much did you give for that?

20 quid.

A score? 25 more like.

How are you going to pay for that?

You've used up all your birthday money on bleeding records?

I'm like Dad, aren't I? I can always get hold of a few quid.

Right, here's a tenner, put that with your nans' postal orders

and that's the end of it.

Don't be gettin' involved with the like of Joey Churcher, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, there we go. Do you want to watch it again?

No.

'Since my dad had threatened to run over her last boyfriend, Colin,

'Sharon had been going steady with Roger.'

In comes Mr Collier and says,

"Brilliant, Barbara, go home early if you want."

And I thought, "Hang on, hang on, I did most of that, I'm the one

"with Pitman's shorthand, 120 words a minute." Drives me mad up there.

How was YOUR week?

Well, work's work, innit?

'He wasn't exactly the romantic type, but she'd had plenty of them.'

Oh, yeah! That's what I was going to ask ya.

Do you want to get married?

Eh?

What?

Do you want to get married?

You was talking about it the other week with your mate.

Shall we do it?

Well, yeah, but... but do it different to that.

-What?

-Asking me to marry you, you've got to say, "Will you marry me?"

I just did!

Proper! You're supposed to get down on one knee.

What, in here? You've got some chance!

Do you want to marry me or not?

What about my dad?

'Sharon was on the verge of gaining a husband

'while I'd already given my heart to a video recorder.

'But, like my sister,

'I was to scared to tell Dad the whole truth about our relationship.'

Mike.

MUSIC SEEPS FROM HEADPHONES

Oi?

What?!

Mike, I owe more than 20 quid.

I knew you did. Go on, how much?

30?

Yeah.

You idiot. 30 quid just to tape Rising Damp.

It tapes other things, too.

I owe 100 quid.

100 quid! You owe Joey Churcher 100 quid?

Stewart Sams only owed him a tenner.

-Yeah? So?

-When was last time you saw Stewart Sams?

His family's moved to Ramsgate.

Yes, but ask yourself WHY they moved to Ramsgate?

Eh? Did they even MOVE to Ramsgate?

No. You're not saying he killed all Stewart Sams' family for a tenner?

I'm not saying nothing, mate, you're the one that owes him 100 quid.

Now shut up and leave me alone, will ya?

Oi, listen...

If you do that again, I'm going to fuckin'...

Get off! Get off!

Stop! What's the matter with you?

I just wanted to know what you were listening to.

New Deep Purple LP.

Deep Purple? Where'd you get that?

Eddie Gregory taped it for me. Only cost me a quid.

Here, I reckon you're going to have to start sellin' some of them soon

if you're going to get yourself out of this one.

What?! Not me records! I can't!

Come on, Fred, that's enough, ain't it?

What are you talking about?! These are Polaroids.

Two quid a pair for these!

Haemorrhoids.

Oi! Stop that.

Fucking hell, Norman!

'Old Norman was one of the chaps.'

Don't do that to us!

'Totally in the swim.'

No, no, straight, stop it, there's no point.

Why, it's only a bit of Fat Man, Norm.

You're part of the old firm, we'll sort you out no problem.

New lot are onto it. Jackie Tarbard got stopped the other day

trying to nick a load of football shirts.

How? You can't put your hands on a dock worker, we'll all walk out.

You can if you stop a bloke who looks like he weighs 40 stone,

then you strip him down and find out he don't weight ten.

What, so no more Fat Man?

This is bollocks. They're taking away our livelihood.

The only thing I'm earning at the moment is me wages!

Listen, as soon as it goes up to two grand, mate, I'm takin' it.

What have I told you? Don't take their bribes.

If none of us take their money, they can't close the docks down.

Your Alfie took it.

Yeah, but what's he got now? About 50 quid.

Don't you think he regrets it every single day.

He got a grand, he never even bought himself a new car.

It's blood money.

Well, if you can't take a few fucking steps,

you wouldn't be able to run my business, so...

Yeah, and you.

What's up, Kath?

Another bleedin' buyer's dropped out, they're all talk, all of them.

Did they find out you were taking them Scotch eggs with you?

Valuable antiques, they are.

You won't be laughin' the end of next week when I've gone.

This hut's been here since 1918.

So has them Scotch eggs.

They say, "Oh, you can't cook off a bottle of gas no more,"

and, "Oh, there's gotta be a sink

"plumbed in so the staff can wash their hands."

There's only me! What do I want to wash me hands for?

And the latest thing is, "Where's your toilet facilities?"

I told 'I'm, I said, "Over the Rose & Crown, where I've always gone."

I don't know what they expect for £350.

You ain't got that in yer back pocket, have ya?

We were just saying, we can't smuggle a rasher of wind

-out of this place at the moment.

-Fuck all.

The dock'll be delighted to see this place close down,

and it will make it easier for them to get rid of you lot.

Well, they're on to all our strokes.

Shame, because I heard there's a booze boat comin' in next Thursday.

Load of sherry from Cadiz.

In the old days, you lot would have stripped that bare.

Sherry, though, Kath? I mean,

we're going to have trouble knockin' that out round here.

Round here, maybe.

But out in the suburbs, Eltham, Cockfosters,

that's all they drink out there.

'The video recorder was starting to dominate family life.'

-IN UNISON WITH THE TV DIALOGUE:

-Do you know what?

I still feel hungry. So am I. Fancy a bag of chips?

Plenty of vinegar? Lots of scallops? Mushy peas. You're on.

Your turn to pay. Come on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ON TV

Suit of armour.

Watch it again?

'But I still had to pay Joey Churcher what I owed him for it.

'There was no way I was going to sell any of my famously

'comprehensive record collection,

'so inspired by my brother's mate, Eddie Gregory, I came up with

'a plan. I put a classified ad in the music papers offering to tape

'any albums onto cassette for just one pound.

'All I had to do was press record, sit back and wait.'

Don't touch the record player!

All right, let's take it up. Come on.

'It had become a point of principle for Dad.

'The boatload of sherry had arrived, and his solution was to reach back

"into the past for a classic old dock workers' stroke, The Dredge.

Haven't you got anything else better to do?

Just making sure every bottle of this goes where it's meant to.

Yeah.

That's it. Take it down.

Got it, lads?

Whoa, right, lads, let's get this shifted.

'Ere, I want a word with you!

Not now, Mum.

'The video recorder was taking over my life, but so was paying for it.'

A couple of letters came for you.

Oh, yeah?

Now, do you want to tell me what you've been up to?

All right, let's take it up.

Stand from under.

Set hangin'!

Just a minute, Les!

I think there's a corner come loose.

That's it, Les, to me, to me, bring it in.

Just as I thought, this isn't secure.

There you go. Right, take it up.

Steady, Les, steady! That still don't look too secure to me, that.

Oi!

I said it wasn't secure, you heard me.

Someone could have been killed.

You don't take the working man's welfare seriously round here.

So what happens now?

Well, for the next six months all the fish

that are pulled out of there will be three-parts pissed.

-What, so all that lot's lost, is it?

-Gone!

Unless you're willing to jump in after it.

Well, what about insurance? Shouldn't we get your names?

Excuse me, your names, please?

Names? That's Duke of Edinburgh.

That's Elvis Presley.

-Donald Duck.

-And I'm the Dalai Lama.

'My recording business was booming to the point where supply - me -

'couldn't possibly keep up with demand -

apparently the entire record-buying public of the United Kingdom.

MUSIC: Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Oh, no, it'll all be over the front page of the Weatherfield Gazette

on Friday. Bet Lynch is definitely back in circulation.

Haven't you seen this episode?

Yeah. We recorded it.

How many times have you watched it?

About...ten.

Mad.

Oh, who's turned off the record player?!

I did! I was sick of hearing Pink bloody Floyd.

Well, I'm never going to finish if you keep turning it off.

You'll never finish by the look of that pile of letters.

And there's two posts tomorrow.

Lucky for you your father's workin' late tonight.

Argh!

So how long's it been, then, since this was last done?

Whoa. It's gotta be 10, 15 years.

Archie Clarke was the best at it.

-Archie Clarke? Didn't he drown or somethin'?

-Yeah.

Doin' this?

Indirectly.

He was on his way home from doing this and he got pissed

and fell off the Woolwich ferry.

All right, chaps, have I missed it?

-Where you been?

-Sorry, Spud, I can't resist her toad in the 'ole.

What's happenin'?

THEY LAUGH

Alfie! Never thought I'd see you back in the docks -

I thought you took the money?

He did. That's why he needs the work.

What you been doin' down there?

What do you think I've been...? Playing bleeding golf?

Here you are, I found it all on the bottom ready to bring up.

Yes, look at this. At last, a chance to earn.

Ho-ho!

So, how's it goin', then, Alf?

Terrible. I just miss everyone.

You don't know how much it's part of your life

till you're out of it all.

Fucking hell! It's like vinegar!

Not only does it taste like vinegar. It is vinegar.

Look - vinagre - vinegar.

Right, sherry vinegar? Look at that!

How are we supposed to shift that?!

Oh, what a waste of time!

I could have been at home having apple crumble now.

What's goin' on here?

(Fuckin' arseholes.)

Night fishin'. Just doin' a spot of night fishin', that's all.

-SPLASH

-What was that?

That one was too small, threw it back.

'Always conduct yourself as an innocent man, Dad told us.

'Of course, he was an expert at it.'

Anyway, you shouldn't be on dock premises after working hours.

Er, that's not true.

Under the Port of London Charter of 1903, dockers are permitted

to fish in the waters in which they toil, at any time, day or night.

I'd like to see that in black and white.

No need, son. It's filed away, up here.

Why's he in a wetsuit?

We're after skate.

What?

Skate. Fish. They're bottom feeders, ain't they?

Port of London Charter of 1903 again?

No. 1907, that one, 1907.

That's about right for you lot, ain't it, eh?

You're all well out of date.

Within two years, there won't be no dockers left round here.

Oh, yeah? Well, what will be here, then, clever bollocks?

Money. Real money, not your little scams.

That's all getting bought up for property, innit?

You're round the twist. This is the busiest port in the world.

-They'll always need blokes like us, mate.

-Correct.

So why are they offering you 1,200 quid to go away?

That's a lot of piss-off money for someone they want to keep.

Come on.

Fucking arseholes.

# I shot the sheriff

# But I did not shoot the deputy... #

How much?

See for yourself.

-1,500 quid!

-Mmm.

Oh, my good God, Fred, you've got to at least think about it. £1,500.

I can earn that in six months, Bet. What's the point of takin' it,

then, in six months, not havin' a job?

Any more mail?

Yeah.

Yeah, one or two bits.

But none of it's for you.

-What the fuckin' 'ell's that?

-Here, look at that.

-Who's moved in, The Beatles?

-You'd better ask Danny. Look.

Danny? Oi, Danny.

What you done? Knocked off a mail train? What's this?

Sit down, Ronnie Biggs.

And this had better all be straight.

Be a first time in this house if it is.

Well, I was just foraging,

trying to get a few quid together, like YOU do.

But I've gone in over me head.

I don't know what to do, Dad.

What have you been doing?!

Taping LPs and selling 'em.

Which is illegal, by the way, copyright, they call it.

I've been trying to pay back

Joey Churcher for this video recorder thing.

Owes him 100 quid, don't he?

He's asked you for 100 quid for that thing,

what his mate knocked off for nothin'?

Right, you leave Joey Churcher to me,

I'll sort him out. He owes me a few favours.

What about the letters? I've had so many, I'll be

taping till Christmas and I still won't finish.

Never mind them. I'll take them down the dump and burn 'em.

Thanks, Dad.

Listen to me, Danny.

And you. Doors are closin', the world is changin'.

We've got to learn to do things straight. That's the future now.

Skulduggery, that's all finished.

What about all the money?

Money? What money? What are you talking about, money?

They've been sending money to do their tapes. Then most of them

have been selling 'em on to their mates for a profit.

So there's money in all these?

Yeah. Better chuck the whole lot.

Never mind that. You get to school.

I'll sort these out. Bet, another cup of tea!

'Dad was very scrupulous.

'Kids who only wanted one tape got their money back.

'But those who to make a profit out of my efforts weren't so lucky.

'Soon there was enough to pay off Joey Churcher

'plus a "reasonable surplus", as Dad put it, on top.'

Woo-hoo, like I've always told you, Bet, everyone's at it.

Unfortunately for this mob, some of us

have been at it a lot longer than others.

'And that surplus, he immediately put to good use.'

I always promised meself one day I'd sit here and be served.

You can choose what you like, Kath, it's all on us.

Alfie!

Certainly, madam.

On behalf of the new management, what can I get you?

Ooh, it's good to see you back, Alf.

It's nice to be back.

Well, I'll have a nice cup o' tea and, er, one of them Bakewell tarts.

Of course, comin' right up.

You sure you want to part with that, Kath?

They've been in the family a long time.

And wash your bleeding hands before you serve it!

She's got a point!

Me and Cliff are so grateful to you boys.

It was Spud what come up with it all, thank him.

Well...

Two cups of tea.

Sorry, gents.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's there in black and white. Dockers only!

In other words, piss off out of it, go on.

Get on out of it.

'So Kath got her retirement money, Alfie was back in the docks

'and Dad had stayed ahead of the game again.'

HE SIGHS Can we turn over?

No, I want to tape This Is Your Life.

-It'll be Des O'Connor.

-You say that every week.

No, I don't. I was right the other week with Ray Alan.

No, you just said "a ventriloquist".

Yeah, Ray Alan, he's a ventriloquist.

Anyway, I don't know why they act all shocked, they've all been told.

It's all set up in advance.

What you doing?

Fred.

What?

-Fred.

-What?

Sharon and Roger want to get married.

-How much?

-What?!

I mean, when?

In the summer.

All right, summer.

All right.

-Is that it?

-Yeah.

-They'll be back in a minute.

-What?

Sharon was expecting you to go off like a rocket.

-Why?

-You've chased the last four of her boyfriends over the back wall.

Well, I like Roger, he's a good bloke.

Yeah, he reminds me of someone.

-Who?

-You.

Sharon say's he ain't even bought her a ring yet

in case you said no and he was lumbered with it.

Well, what's wrong with that?

-Don't, don't...

-What?

-No. Come on. Bless.

All right?

Are you taping This Is Your Life?

Yeah, it's on after this.

It's all set up, Sharon, they know in advance.

Correct, just been saying that to her mother.

Oh, don't spoil it.

I like to see who's the surprise guest is that comes on last.

So do I.

Weren't much of a surprise last week with Ray Alan and Lord Charles.

It was a fucking puppet.

Right, I will go and put the kettle on.

Anyway, Dad...

What?

Roger's got somethin' to tell you.

-Has he?

-Have I?

(Tell him!)

Yeah.

He's asked me to marry him.

-He's what?

-We're only engaged, Fred.

I told her to leave it for now, but she wanted to tell you.

You're getting married?!

Well...yeah!

Right...well...

I already knew that.

What?

Your mother told me earlier.

Oh, you are rotten, the pair of you!

It was his idea to wind you up.

You're not angry?

I'm not a nutcase, am I?

Come here, girl. Congratulations, boy.

-Thanks, Fred.

-Positive you want to go through with this, Rog?

Yes, he is, thank you very much!

She's been out with a few, you know.

What?

# They say time will wait for no man

# They say time is on my side

# I can never make my mind up

# Cos it all goes whizzing by

-# From the cradle to the grave

-From the cradle to the grave

-# I know I won't be a slave

-I know I won't be a slave...

-#