The Enemy within the Gates Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

'Day after day, the German Luftwaffe continues to attack our shores,

'and day after day, the RAF takes its heavy toll.

'This beautiful summer of 1940

'will be remembered as Britain's finest hour.

'But let us not forget the men on the ground.

'Apart from the regular army, there is Britain's citizen army -

the Home Guard.

'So far, they haven't been issued with tanks,

'but are they prepared to wait?

'Not Tommy Atkins!

'What they lack in equipment,

'they certainly make up with ingenuity

'and British bulldog fighting spirit.

'Watch this. It's the latest in flame-throwers.

'A veteran of many campaigns

'demonstrates the deadly effect of this weapon.

'So watch out, Adolf! We're on the home ground now.

'And what's more, we're preparing a warm welcome.'

# Oh, you'd never miss the old faces

# You'd never miss the old places... #

Bottoms!

-I beg your pardon, Pike?

-Bottoms!

Bottoms! Bottoms! Oh, and tops!

What are you talking about, Pike?

The uniform bottoms and tops have arrived, sir.

Why didn't you say so in the first place? Where are they?

-Mr Wilson's signing for them now.

-I signed for them. There are 25 pairs.

-There are 17 of us. That's 1.5 pairs each. How many caps?

-16, sir.

Ah, that's one short. That'll lead to trouble, Wilson.

Perhaps the fellow with no cap could get an extra pair of trousers.

What good will that do?

As we've only got five rifles,

why don't we let him have a rifle all the time?

No, that would upset the rifle rota.

Plus the man with the rifle doesn't have a water bottle, so that upsets the bottle rota.

-I can't keep on altering all the rotas.

-No, I agree.

You've taken great pains over them.

And a great deal of thought. It's time someone else drew them up.

-Take it in turns, you mean?

-Yes.

-Good idea. Draw up a rota for it.

Sir, why don't you let me take back a pair of trousers down to GHQ,

and I'll swap it for another cap?

-A very good idea, Pike. Nearly 5.30. Off you go.

-Right.

-Good idea, Pike.

Where are you going? It's only 5.15.

It's all right, Miss King, you can go too.

Oh! Thank you very much, sir.

-Miss King?

-Yes, sir?

-Draw those blinds on your way out, will you?

-Sort these trousers out.

-Yes.

-T-T-F-N!

-Good night, Miss King!

-Mind my bike, girl.

Is it fair that we choose ours before the others get a chance?

It's not a question of choosing, is it?

-It's a question of making sure we get a good fit.

-I suppose so.

Oh, dear. Not really any sizes on them. They seem to be all right.

..I think I've got these on back to front.

-Mine are the same, sir.

-No flies.

-No flies.

-It's quite all right. They're at the side.

-The side?!

-How very inconvenient.

-Yes.

PHONE RINGS

Mainwaring here. Yes. Yes.

What?!

I see. Thank you very much indeed.

It seems there's been a mistake. They're not intended for us.

-Who were they intended for?

-The ATS.

All right, at ease, everybody.

Squad, 'shun!

Slope arms!

ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!

-One.

-All right.

Centre rank...

Centre rank, slope arms!

ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!

-Men ready for your inspection, sir.

-You missed a rank out.

Have I? Sorry, sir.

All right, rear rank, slope arms!

ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!

-Men NOW ready for your inspection, sir.

-Stand the men at ease.

-Really a waste of time...

-Wilson!

-All right, sir.

All right... Order arms!

ALL: One-two-three, one-two-three, one!

One!

Stand at ease!

Well, we got some good news today, men.

-We've had an issue of field service caps.

-Oh, that's good, sir.

After the command, "Fall out,"

collect your caps from Lance Corporal Jones

and gather round for a lecture.

Platoon, fall out!

Give us a six-and-seven-eighths, will you?

You'll be lucky. They're large, medium or small.

-In that case, I'll have a large.

-There you are, big head.

-I'm the same.

-I want a small one, please.

-There you are, Mr Godfrey.

Which side do you put them on?

You put them on the right side, like that.

Does it suit me?

If you're retreating - it's on back to front.

You don't expect me to stick that thing on me head?

You can stick it where you like. I'm just the man that gives 'em out.

Pay attention. Gather round! Come along. Quickly.

Now, let's sum up our situation.

In spite of shortages,

we've made ourselves into a compact fighting unit.

We have five rifles, ten rounds for each rifle, four water bottles,

and, now, we've got a cap each.

Not to mention the equipment we've improvised ourselves.

Quite an advance on the early days, eh?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Well, today, I want to deal with enemy agents.

They're being dropped all over the place, in various disguises -

nuns, priests, peasants, police...

In fact, some might be in disguise as British Army officers.

And they'd come up to you and give you stupid instructions.

Then how do you tell the difference?

If you use your head, Fraser,

you can always tell when a man is really British.

HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT: Excuse, please. Is this the HQ of the platoon company Home Guard?

Yes, it is. What can we do for you?

I'm from HQ area command.

-I should like to ask a few questions, please.

-Yes, certainly, Captain.

-Corporal, carry on with rifle maintenance.

-Right, sir.

What did you want to know, sir?

I want to know exactly what weapons you have.

Well, at the moment...

Just a moment, sir. Excuse me, Captain. Would you, for one second?

How do we... How do we know that he's not a German spy?

Of course he isn't. He's in a British Army officer's uniform.

The accent doesn't exactly match the uniform, does it?

Oh, don't let's be snobbish, Wilson.

You don't have to be a public school man to get a commission.

-It's wartime.

-Look at his cheek - he's got a duelling scar!

Some pretty rum goings-on at Oxford in the '20s, you know.

You may be right, even so.

-If you are, I'll soon put a stop to his little game.

-Right, sir.

-So, you want to know what kind of weapons we have?

-That is right.

Right.

Come here, Frazer. Well, we have this for a start.

-Get your hands up.

-Beg pardon?

-Get 'em up!

-But...

Corporal? Cover this man.

-Right, sir.

-But you don't...

-Be silent. Get your hands up!

Look here, this is...

-What do we do now, Wilson?

-You ought to have a staff meeting, sir.

Good idea. Corporal Jones!

-Corporal!

-We don't want that, "Ja, ja, nein, nein".

-JONES!

-What, sir?

-Get over here.

Hang on to this.

If he as much as bats an eye, let him have it. Right up.

I showed him the cold steel, sir. It never fails.

They don't like it up 'em, you know, sir. They don't like it up 'em.

Control yourself.

Sorry, sir. It's going into action after all these years.

We ought to make sure he really is a Nazi

-before we hand him over to the authorities.

-Yes.

There's only one thing to do - we must grill him.

Over a slow fire!

That'll make him talk, sir. We did that in the Sudan, sir.

Pull yourself together, Corporal.

We're not savages.

-Everything will be done according to the Geneva Convention.

-Yes, sir.

What does it say? Ah, here we are - interrogation of enemy suspects.

-Ah - a pronunciation test.

-Right, sir.

Now, I want you to say after me a few simple English words.

A few simple English words.

I haven't started.

Now, say, "soothe".

Sooze.

-Wrong.

-Ronk.

Wretch.

Wretch.

-Rats.

-Rits.

-No, RATS.

-I said RITS!

Those.

Zoze.

What would you...?

What would Mrs Mop say to you?

She would say, "Can I do you now, sir?"

Here's a good one, sir. Who won the boat race in 1935?

-Cambridge.

-He's right, you know.

-It was raining at the time.

-Was it?

Look here, who the hell are you?

I'm Captain Winogrodzki, from the Polish Free Forces attached to GHQ.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

We're very sorry, Captain. It was an understandable mistake.

I would call it a stoopid mistake.

Now, as you know,

many German airman from crashed planes are landing everywhere.

However, the area commander is anxious in case any British pilots are shot by mistake.

It has not happened so far, but a stitch in time saves, er...something.

-Nine.

-Nein?

A stitch in time saves... Oh, never mind.

So they have issued an order

that lone parachutists are not to be shot down

before they have a chance to disclose themselves.

Furthermore, a bounty of £10

will be paid for every Nazi airman captured alive and in good condition.

That is all.

Good day to you...Captain.

D'you hear that? Ten quid for every Nazi airman caught in good nick.

-Hey, Jonesy. Come here.

-What?

-You and me are on patrol tonight.

-That's right.

-You want to keep your eyes open.

-Why?

Bring your reading glasses.

Here, watch it!

# England, our island home

# Land of the free... #

'Ere, hang on a tick. My feet are killin' me.

-Put that light out!

-What's the matter with you?!

A sniper might see it.

What are you talking about? Have you gone barmy?

There's no snipers around here.

We're not in the flippin' Sudan now.

Good job, too. You wouldn't last five minutes.

Listen, I could shoot fuzzy-wuzzies just the same as you.

Poor blighters, had only got spears.

It wasn't just fuzzy-wuzzies. It was flies and desert sores

and dysentery and malaria and gippy tummy.

You should have packed it up.

No. We were soldiers, with a field marshal's baton in every knapsack.

Sounds like you'd have been better off with a bedpan.

Halt!

Don't do that!

You could have frightened the life out of him at his time of life.

I wasn't me, it was you. You nearly jumped out of your trousers!

I could have shot you!

You're meant to keep a lookout like soldiers, not talk like old women.

You will be reported for slacking. Your names?

-Jones, sir.

-Pike, sir.

-And you?

-Smith.

-Walker.

-Thanks very much(!)

It is no use, you try and give me falsies.

I will remember you all.

You are the baby, you are the old grandpa

and you are the one that jumped out of his trousers.

Wake up your ideas!

He's not supposed to talk to an NCO like that, in front of his men.

It's against Queen's regs, that is.

KING'S regs, you silly old muffin. What time do you make it?

Half past one.

Blimey, another hour and a half.

Let's pack it up. There won't be any German planes over tonight.

AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS

Why did you have to open your big mouth?

PLANE DRONES OVERHEAD

Mr Jones? Can you hear a plane coming?

Yeah, and if it comes any lower, I'll give him one right in his seat.

Look out, he's coming this way.

You cowardly bastards!

-That's one of ours.

-Oh, bravo, lads! Well done!

BOOM!

-THAT wasn't one of ours.

-That dropped over in Adcock's Wood.

The searchlights are after him. Bit late, mate!

He could've killed my mate and me with that bomb!

-RAPID FIRE

-Machine-gunning us!

Machine-gunning innocent women and children!

They don't care, you know.

It's one of ours machine-gunning him.

Ah, well done, lad. Get a move on.

Yeah! Ha!

He'll soon be at home now.

They smell our fighters and they're off home. You cowardly Bosh!

-Hey, Mr Jones?

-What?

What's that white thing floating down?

Oh, my Gawd!

-It's a parachute!

-Shall I fire?

No, remember what the Captain said.

We've got to see if he exposes himself first.

Might be one of ours, see?

SPLASH!

He's landed in the water.

Halt!

Surrender or we fire!

Say if you're German! Say if you're British! If you are, say so!

-Can you see anything?

-No, I can't. It's too dark.

-Can you see, lad?

-Yeah, I can. It's coming towards us!

-I think I ought to fire, Mr Jones.

-Wait, wait, wait.

I'll give you one more chance! Surrender or we fire!

Go on, then. Go on, then. Squeeze.

SPLASH

Blimey! He's taken off again!

That must be a secret weapon!

No, it's his spirit rising up again!

No! There's something white floating in the water.

I think I killed him, Mr Jones.

Oh, blimey, there goes our ten quid!

-Go and fetch him.

-Eh?

-Fetch him, Private. Go on.

-That's nice, innit!

-Go on!

SPLOSHING

Oh, blimey!

What's up?

You've shot a bleedin' swan!

Blimey!

Killing swans is against the law, isn't it, Mr Jones?

That's serious, that is. All swans belong to the King.

What'll we do with it?

I know what I'm going to do - I'll taking him home.

I'll pluck it, dress it, hang it for a few days

Then I'll have him with potatoes and Brussels. Tasty.

What about the King?

He's always eating it!

-I think we should report it.

-Do you want your share or not?

-Course I do!

-Shut up then.

I'll tell you what we'll do - we'll hide it then pick it up later.

Come on, then. But I still think you ought to report it, Joe.

"I still think you ought to report it, Joe." You miserable old goat.

-Was wird zukommen?

-Weiss nicht.

-Willst du eine Zigarette haben?

-Oh, ja, danke.

Bitte sehr.

Mensch! Guck mal die Zeit!

TRANSLATION:

Shh! Was ist das?

Mein Gott!

Who are you?

-Luftwaffe.

-Looft woffy?

You're Nazis, you are! Get back, get back!

Joe! Joe! I've got a couple of Germans here.

-What's the matter?

-I've caught some Jerries.

Blimey! 20 quid's worth!

-What do you mean?

-The bounty. Ten quid for every German.

-I forgot about that.

-I hadn't. How'll we get them home?

-Cut their trouser buttons off.

-Good idea. Hang on to this.

Wait a minute.

GERMANS YELL

Be careful! They're not sure how far you're going!

I haven't made up my mind yet, have I?

-Hang about! Oi! Stick 'em up!

-Ja.

-Ja.

-Over your head! Hands up!

-Oh, ja.

-Die Hander.

March! March.

Come on. Keep them covered.

-Why's it always me?

-Go on.

Oi!

-You go next.

-Why?

-I'll feel safer.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Are you there, Wilson?

-Yes!

-I'm coming in.

-Oh, good. Always glad to see you, sir.

-Well, put the light out!

-Oh, sorry. Just a minute. Hang on.

There we are, sir. You can come in now.

-The damn door's locked!

-I'll unlock it for you.

-Blast!

-What's the matter?

-I can't find the key.

Put the light on, find the key, put the light off and open the door.

All right.

What now?

I can't find the light!

This is ludicrous. Find the wireless.

Ah! Got it. Clever me. I can see the key quite clearly, sir.

Hang on, sir. I'll be with you in a moment.

-Come in. Are you there, sir?

-No, I'm here! Came round the other way.

Oh!

-Put the light off!

-Is it shut?

-Yes, it's shut.

Must get some light traps. Some blankets or something.

Of course, sir. Is anything happening out there?

The searchlights aren't finding anything.

-Sir! Sir! Permission to speak, sir!

-Yes?

We captured two Jerry parachuters.

-You what?

-Showed 'em the cold steel, they come quiet as mouses.

They don't like it up 'em, you know.

-Heil Hitler!

-None of that.

THEY START TO SPEAK

Keep them covered, Pike, Godfrey.

I don't know what you're talking about but you're my prisoners.

Behave yourselves and you'll be all right.

Try any of your Nazi tricks, I won't answer for the consequences.

Get on to HQ, Wilson. Guard them well, Pike, Godfrey.

-Walker, Jones. Make a report.

-Rather exciting, sir.

A splendid evening's work. Well done, Jones and Walker.

-Wait till GHQ hears about this!

-Don't forget the £20!

Hello, hello! Hello?

-This thing's dead!

-Yes, sir. They cut it off.

-Cut it off?!

-Very good, sir!

-Come on...

I'll explain to him, sir.

The bill wasn't paid, sir, so they cut it off.

Don't they know there's a war on?

We're a military unit, this is an emergency!

-It's the vicar's phone and he can't afford to pay.

-Why?

-Because of the invasion scare. He's had to stop his campanology.

-What?

-He can't ring his bells.

-How does that affect the phone?

He's paid to edit Ringading Monthly. They've stopped publication.

There's a big drop in his income.

I've got two valuable prisoners and my communications have been severed!

-Permission to speak, sir!

-Yes.

I've got a telephone in my shop. I can phone them up from there, sir.

Ah! Good man, Jones. Off you go!

-Mind the light!

-Turn the light off!

It's too late now, Walker. Put it on again.

-Lights!

-Put the light off!

-Permission to speak, sir!

You've got permission, blast you!

There's no need to talk to him like that, sir.

It's all right, Walker. Captain Mainwaring meant no offence.

What's the matter?

I don't know the HQ's telephone number.

Why don't...?! No. Of course you don't.

Sorry, Jones. You've done well tonight. I'm very proud of you.

-Thank you, sir.

-Britain need not fear for her future.

Thank you, sir. I'll bring you half a pound of liver later on.

Don't waste any more time.

-Lights!

-Lights!

-Lights!

-Lights!

-Who's in charge here?

-You mind not pushing me about?

-This is Captain Mainwaring.

-Oh, it's you.

Look. If I have any more trouble with this place,

I shall remove your bulb! Understand?

You'd be exceeding your authority if you even touched it.

Enemy aircraft are circling overhead. They've fired several haystacks.

If I didn't know, I'd say you were signalling to them!

I know you have your job to do,

but aren't you going just a little bit too far?

I have two enemy airmen out there in the hall!

I don't care if you've got Goering and Goebbels out there!

If you don't put the light out, I shall extinguish it.

I'm in the middle of an emergency. Get off my premises.

I'm going, but I've warned you, and you.

Mind the light!

Has anybody interrogated those two, in case there are any more of them?

-Not as far as I know.

-Right.

Hey! Where are they?

-They went outside with Mr Godfrey.

-Went outside? What on earth for?

They wanted a tinkle, sir.

-That's what me mum calls it.

-Yes. She means...

-I know what she means!

He took his rifle. They shouldn't be long. Mind you, they've been a while.

-I say...have they come back?

-No, Mr Godfrey!

Oh, the rotters!

-Godfrey, come here! Get after them, Sergeant.

-Very well, sir.

Come here, Godfrey. What happened?

The foreign gentlemen wanted to wash their hands.

-Why didn't you say they couldn't?

-We're not beasts, are we, sir?

Go on.

We went to the outside convenience. I shoved one down the spout.

-One of the Germans?

-No, sir. A bullet.

It was dark but I kept as close as I possibly could.

-In the circumstances.

-You went in with them, of course.

No, sir. They locked the door.

-Didn't that seem suspicious?

-No. I usually lock the door myself.

Go on.

They seemed to be taking a long time so I coughed to give them a hint.

You should have done a damn sight more than cough!

I called out. They didn't answer. I went to the window at the back.

Which, of course, was open.

-No, it was closed and barred.

-Well, how did they get out?

While I was at the back,

I can only surmise that they slipped out the front.

Holy suffering cats!

-Any sign of them?

-Well, actually, sir...

I haven't look. I forgot my rifle. Awfully stupid of me...

-Get after them! And you, Pike!

-Yes, sir.

-The MPs are coming to collect them. I'll look a right fool!

-Sorry...

I can ring them up and say it was a practical joke.

WE'RE the practical joke, Walker!

Recht, links, recht, links, recht, links...

-Halt!

-They're back!

I just recaptured these men

who say they have escaped from your custody. Is that correct?

-Yes, I'm afraid it is.

-I don't know what sort of army you are in,

Captain Main-waring, but I don't think it is the same as mine.

I had no difficulty in surprising your patrols. You have no guard.

I've complaints from the ARPs that you are signalling to the enemy

and you allow prisoners to escape!

These inefficiencies will be reported.

-Furthermore, I shall claim the bounty for these men myself.

-I see.

I think your attitude is high-handed, to say the least.

If you have any further comments, I'll be in my orderly room.

Good. That will leave me free to interrogate these men.

See they're covered this time.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Got some Jerry prisoners, mister?

-That's right. There they are.

Blimey! Three! The note said two.

-Must have a been a bad line.

-No, well, you s...

Yeah. Yeah, it must have been.

All right, you lot. Outside in the van. Oi! Outside in the van!

Hey, Bob! This one's dressed as a British officer!

I EM a Breeteesh officer, you fool!

You don't sound it. Did he come with the others?

Er...yes, as a matter of fact, he did.

Listen, I'm a British officer, attached to HQ Area Command...

-He's got a gun! Bob, get it off him!

-What are you doing?

-You shouldn't have let him keep it.

-Sorry, I'm new to this game.

Look, I'm a British officer. Here are my papers.

Here is my identity card. Here is a railway warrant to London tomorrow.

Here is a letter from the lady I'm going to see in Golders Green.

-What do you think, Bob?

-Sarge...

You've got to hand it to these people, they're very thorough.

Yeah. You're darn right.

-Outside in the van.

-I protest! You are making a mistake!

Can I do you now, sir?

Cambridge won the boat race in...

-They don't know when they're beat!

-No.

Just putting the Jerries in the van.

There's your receipt.

Pop along to your brigade HQ and you'll get £30 bounty.

-£30?

-That's right, sir. Three prisoners, £30.

Good night, sir.

THREE prisoners?

Ah. We had a stroke of luck. Another one turned up.

How did you persuade the captain to give his share up?

He sort of persuaded himself.

There you are.

Your liver and a couple of kidneys to make up the weight.

I'll round up a couple of black market chops,

you can have a nice mixed grill.

They've disappeared into thin air.

I've dealt with it. They're on their way to HQ.

Plus another one that Walker managed to round up.

Don't tell me you're getting THEM on the black market an' all!

ALL-CLEAR SOUNDS

There they go.

-Quite an eventful evening.

-Very good, sir, yes.

I say.

As we got an extra £10,

why don't we spend £5 on a celebration platoon dinner?

-Would you like to order now?

-What would you suggest?

-For a fiver, you could have a medieval dinner.

-What's that?

Very rare luxury, sir. Roast swan.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]