Shooting Pains Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

'..the enemy is throwing everything he's got into the fray.

'Britain's Home Guard, jeeringly referred to as "the broomstick army" by Dr Goebbels, is now fully armed.

'And if Mr Hitler DOES put his foot on our doorstep,

'the so-called broomstick army will make a clean sweep of him!

HE WHISTLES

'Every moment of spare time away from their civilian jobs is taken up with this one thought...

'In the words of Herbert Morrison, "Go to it!"

'Loss of sleep is no obstacle to these men.

'After being up all night on manoeuvres, they go straight to their offices and factories.'

See ya tonight!

Ah-ha! Just as I thought. KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Ah!

Wilson! Yes, sir? Remember what I tell the men about advancing in extended order?

Yes. Now, if I fire this gun,

it knocks down the first man and he knocks all the rest down. Yes.

If that was a machine gun, the whole platoon would be mown down. Yes. Now watch.

Oh.

You get the general idea?

Here are the weekly orders from GHQ, sir.

Your copy. Thank you.

I'll put it over with my map case, then it won't get misplaced. Yes.

Are you all right? Perfectly all right, thank you. Oh.

What do you think of that, eh?

Very good, sir. My wife's idea. Oh? Quick draw...

Very good. But isn't it a bit unorthodox?

Wilson, you have a Blimp mentality. Of course it's unorthodox.

You can't get into a rut. You've got to be flexible. Yes, sir.

Where's my coffee? I like it at 10.30 every morning! I'll go...

It's no good. I'll have to take this thing off.

I can't sit comfortably.

Better keep it handy, though. Oh, I quite agree, sir.

Now, will we have a good turnout for target practice on Saturday? I hope so.

I was ashamed of our shooting last week.

Some of them didn't do too badly. How could they possibly mistake

the tyres on the area commander's car for the target?

All four?! Five. They got the spare as well.

He parked too near! Ask Miss King to bring in my coffee, please.

Yes. Miss King, would you bring in Mr Mainwaring's coffee, please?

I say. Sir? Have you read this, Wilson? No.

"The Prime Minister will inspect coastal defences.

"For security reasons, date and time will not be released until the last minute.

"You have been chosen to act as the guard of honour"! Wonderful news.

Real leadership will always be recognised. Yes.

It says that we have been chosen because we were the first platoon

to be formed in the area. That'll be all!

Pity he has no imagination. Still, I shouldn't be too harsh.

Some are born to lead, some are born to be led.

Unorthodox, indeed!

BANG!

During the PM's inspection of coastal defences,

we have been chosen to act as guard of honour.

Marvellous!

Now that ammunition is more plentiful, we're going to have target practice on Saturday.

Major Regan will be with us.

Thought we'd got rid of that basket!

Any man who can't attend on Saturday, take one pace forward.

Why can't you come, Walker? I've got me stall on the market on Saturdays.

Pike? I'm playing football, sir.

Frazer? Fishin'.

You were fishing LAST Saturday. Didnae catch anything.

How about you, Godfrey? Have to go to the clinic, sir.

Corporal? My dad's coming to tea.

I don't like this, men. This is the first time you've shown anything but 100% keenness.

Let me assure you that Major Regan has our best interests at heart.

Permission to speak, sir! Yes?

He ain't got MY best interests at heart... That's enough. He said... Quiet!

I intend to ignore what has just happened. I shall expect a full turnout on Saturday. Understood?

Sir! That's better.

Fine body of men, aren't they? Yes. Awfully nice.

Platoon, atten-shun!

Very good. Very smart.

When the Prime Minister walks down your ranks, I want him to be able to say,

"Of such stuff as this are Britons made."

MUSIC: "We're Off To See The Wizard" from The Wizard Of Oz

Guards, halt! Good afternoon, Captain.

Afternoon, sir. Left turn!

So sorry. Would you mind just putting your rifles down...? Orders arms!

First platoon, B company Home Guard reporting for target practice, sir.

Stand them at ease, Sergeant. At ease! Stand...eh...easy.

Four men will go to look after the targets. All right? Yes. Carry on, Sergeant. Fall out the markers.

Follow me.

Squad, 'shun!

For inspection, port arms!

All right, sir? Your thumb, man.

Sorry? Where is your thumb?!

When you port arms for inspection, you put your thumb like that.

Owwww! All right, sir?

# Home, home on the range... #

PHONE RINGS All right, all right, I'm coming!

Lance Corporal Jones, here.

Ready to start firing, Jonesey? Yes. Bye-bye, Mr Wilson! Bye-bye, Jonesey!

They're gonna start firing.

Pikey, get hold of that flag.

Every time you hear a shot, wave it.

What's that mean? They've missed!

If we don't look at the target, how do we know? They'll miss!

I'm going to fire a few rounds so that you'll get the idea.

All right. Blow the whistle. WHISTLE BLOWS

Someone shot the top off me flag!

They must be improving!

PHONE RINGS

Lance Corporal Jones. What's going on? I've never missed a target!

Sorry, sir. Is that YOU firing? Of course. I'm coming down.

Yes, sir. ..Hey-up, he's coming down.

That was the major firing. Will I get into trouble? Nah! We'll say it was Jonesey!

What are we gonna do? Don't panic! Don't panic! We're not panicking!

What's going on? Get that target down. Sir!

Corporal, what does that look like?

A hole, sir. And you? Oh, yeah. Definitely holes.

THEY ALL AGREE

Captain? I'd say they were holes.

I'm glad you cleared that up.

Now, listen, you lot. Get a hold of yourself! You're SLOPPY!

Look at this place. Tidy it up.

Get a grip of yourselves. Come along. For heaven's sake... At the double!

How were we to know that he'd be first to do the firing?

That major's a crack shot. He shot at Bisley. Did he kill him?

No. He did it to frighten him(!) PHONE RINGS

Jack Jones the butcher. I mean...Lance Corporal Jones.

'Are you ready down there?' Yes, sir. Ready, madam... Uh...sir!

We've got to do it properly this time. OK!

Next!

Next. Well done, Godfrey.

A seasoned man, sir. You've each fired five rounds and the results are sloppy.

I'm sure Captain Mainwaring and Sgt Wilson want to fire a few shots.

No, no. That's quite all right, sir. Come now! Don't be modest.

That's a pretty holster you're wearing. Why is it so low down?

Makes him quicker on the draw, sir.

You've been watching too many cowboy films. When did you last fire it? I haven't. Not intentionally.

No time like the present. Wilson, tell them to put the dummy up. Put the dummy up.

Yeah. Righto. Wilco.

They want you to put the dummy up. Mr Mainwaring's gonna fire. Dummy up...

You haul it up.

Ready, Captain? Raise your revolver slowly, keeping your arm straight and squeeze the trigger.

I haven't told you to fire it yet!

It went off, sir. I didn't realise it had such a kick.

Of course it has. It's not a water pistol. What are YOU smiling at? You're next.

Five rounds...rapid...fire!

Was I on the target, sir? You didn't get it on the bloody range!

Carry on, sir. See what you can do.

This Thompson sub-machine-gun will be issued to your platoon shortly.

You can fire it from the shoulder or from the hip. Start with the hip.

All right, Sergeant? Yes. Grip it like that. Yes.

Pistol grip, that's right. Tell them to take the dummy down. Dummy down!

Nice, firm grip. Yes.

Left elbow well into your side. Now cock it.

Take your right hand off the grip and pull back the bolt. Yes. Go on!

Terribly stiff, isn't it?

Now it's ready to fire.

These guns tend to pull to the right and up, so I'll brace myself against you

to, sort of, keep you firm. Yes.

Another thing, half-empty cartridges spew out all over the place, so watch your face. Oh?

Got all that? Yes.

Stand by. Standing by. FIRE!

RAPID GUNFIRE

It's all right now. It's all over.

Sergeant!

Exciting, wasn't it? If you like that sort of thing.

No need to snatch it like that. Don't snatch!

I'll show you. Tell them to put up the dummy. Put up the dummy!

Yes, right, sir.

I wish they'd make up their minds. Stick it up, stick it down! Get the dummy.

Come on.

GUNFIRE

Oh, blimey! Jonesey!

Are you all right, mate?

Blimey! Talk about, "Tear round the dotted line"!

Hello, Mrs Pike. Hello, Jonesey.

Just what the doctor ordered, that is. Get stuck in, lads.

Where's Arthur and Mr Mainwaring? They're coming now, Mum.

Don't start till they get here!

Lord! What's the matter?

Al Capone here has had a shattering experience.

What unnerved me most, if you don't mind my saying, was your imitation of Billy the Kid.

Never mind, Arthur, have one of my rock cakes.

Don't worry about the men not being able to shoot right, as long as they can fix bayonets and charge.

The Hun doesn't like it up him. As soon as you get the cold steel... Yes, quite.

Your fighting spirit is an example to us all.

I'm not worried about myself, but after this afternoon's tebacle, the men's moroll is shattered.

If the "moroll" is as firm as Mrs Pike's rock cakes, we're fine. ..Sorry!

I think it's only fair to say that our shooting today wouldn't have killed many Nazis.

On the other hand, it would have made them keep their heads down!

All we need is more practice.

Then, if Hitler comes knocking, he'll find us very much at home. KNOCKING

See who that is, Corporal.

Mainwaring, I want to talk to you. Over here. On the double!

Don't you salute a superior officer in the Home Guard? Yes, sir.

You can forget about being guard of honour for the PM's visit.

I told the area commander what a sloppy lot you are.

I protest... You're getting a second chance.

Tomorrow there will be a shooting contest. Pick your three best shots.

Have them on the range tomorrow at 13.00 hours. Any questions?

Eh...just one, sir. (13.00 hours?) One o'clock.

No questions. Right. Carry on.

We can't be ready by tomorrow! It's only against three best shots.

Pike's the only one who's got any idea. Frazer says he can manage.

We haven't even seen him shoot. It IS a bit grim. Hopeless!

There isn't even any tea left. Would you like me to make some fresh? No, thank you.

You two look as if you've been stuck against a wall to be shot!

If our platoon were shooting, they'd be fine!

That's not amusing.

I've got an idea. I normally go down the Hippodrome on a Saturday night - little orders for the artists.

Why don't we all make up a party?

I can do my bit of business in the interval. Lovely!

Charlie Cheeseman's top of the bill. I love him! He makes me laugh. What about you, Arthur?

Mmm.

He'd make you laugh, Arthur. And you. He'll make you laugh your heads off!

'A big woman, my wife. Big woman.'

She weighs 18 stone. That's with her eyebrows plucked and her ears pierced.

I have to put a bookmark in to remember where her mouth is!

'We were having our supper. Nice bit of cod, plenty of chips.'

All of a sudden, Lord Haw-Haw comes on the wireless.

He said, "This is Germany calling. Everyone in England is starving."

I looked at the wife. "Somebody's telling a lie!"

Now a little number entitled, "I can't get over a girl like you,

"so turn out the lights yourself"! Thank you!

Isn't he a scream? Y-Yes. Don't YOU think he's a scream, Mr Mainwaring?

Yes. A perfect scream(!)

You know, I love the smell of a good cigar, Joe.

I don't think this was a very good idea. No, I don't think it was. SONG ENDS

APPLAUSE

And now, direct from South America, the crackshot of the pampas, Miss Laura la Plaz!

CHEERS AND WHISTLING

I gotta nip out. See you after the interval.

Don't go away, darlin'.

I couldn't understand your telephone conversation! Walker has an idea to help us win today.

Bribe the major?!

Mr Mainwaring. Yes? I havenae had the chance to tell ye, but...

Morning! May I introduce Laura la Plaz!

Morning, gentlemen! Where shall I start?

Have you gone mad?!

No, no, sir. She's a ballistics expert. I can well believe it.

She knows all about it. She's gonna have a go with us on the range this afternoon.

Young woman, cover yourself up and go home.

What were you saying, Frazer? Eh? Sorry, sir. Something seems to have driven it out of my head.

I ain't going home. What about my silk stockings? All right, darlin'.

You don't understand, sir.

She's the crack shot from last night. She's gonna shoot for us.

We'll never get away with this. It's dishonest! We'll make her look like a soldier.

We'd never get away with it. I agree. We'll be court-martialled. Yes. I never even liked the act.

Don't keep staring at the girl.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Try on the boots. All right.

Ain't you got anything smaller?

No. That's all we've got.

What about her barnet? Don't worry. I got it all worked out.

Tuck it up. There you go.

There. Right up.

What about that, sir?

Ridiculous!

She still looks like a girl to me! How would YOU remember?

Anyway, we're not finished yet.

Grab hold of that, darlin'.

Where did you get the 'tache from? You wanna know everything!

How's that? Transformation!

Squad, 'shun!

Stick your chest out.

I don't think it's gonna work. Don't get disheartened too soon. Right turn!

By the left, quick march!

Left! Left, right, left!

Take those ridiculous clothes off and... Good morning, Captain.

Ready for this afternoon's shoot?

My God! What's that?

A new recruit, sir. He's gonna shoot for us.

A bit puny! How can he shoot with those pebble glasses on?

He's very long-sighted. He takes them off to shoot. What's his name? What's his name?

Eh...Padaruski. Can't he speak for himself?

He's Polish! Polish cavalry. He's so short because he was a jockey.

Glad to have you with us.

Mainwaring, did you see that diamond ring?

He's a bit pansy, isn't he?

I haven't known him very long, sir.

I see. Watch him.

I shall be there to see that everything is above board this afternoon.

Should be an interesting afternoon!

Very.

Well done. Well done, Pike.

One more to go.

What did you do that for? I saw Gary Cooper do it in a film.

I saw that. It worked well for Gary Cooper.

BANG!

Hasn't worked awfully well for Pike(!)

Let's see what number two can do.

Right. Private...eh...Shostakovich.

I thought you said his name was Padaruski? What? ..Oh, yes. Padaruski Shostakovich.

Poles have very long names. Carry on.

Bull!

What are you doing?!

Can I have my mirror? No! Hurry up!

BANG!

MAJOR: Not so good. That puts you four points down. Next man.

Frazer. Aye, sir.

What's the matter? You're supposed to be a crack shot. We should have had clay pipes for targets(!)

The first was a bull. Cos it was normal.

"Normal"? My routine. One normal...

one upside down, one between me legs and one with a mirror.

Why can't you do it lying down? I can't get near enough to the ground, can I?

Mr Mainwaring! Mr Frazer got two bulls!

Bullseye!

Steady. Steady, Frazer. It's all right, sir. I was in minesweepers during the war.

I used to pick off the mines.

MAJOR: Bullseye!

What are you waving it about like that for?

It's the only way I can shoot, sir. This is the motion of the sea.

Do it any way you like, but remember, we only need one more bull to win.

Bull!

CHEERING

You never told us you were a crack shot. You never asked me.

You stood there while we tried to make that girl look like a man and never said anything?!

Well, when the lassie began to take her clothes off, the words stuck in my throat!

First platoon B Company Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard,

present...arms!

# There'll always be an England... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

To break someone physically... MAN YELLS

..is not a problem.

But we will see how you are strong psychologically.

# Everybody hurts... #