Asleep in the Deep Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again!

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun!

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Take your thumb out, boy!

-You know, I'd give anything to have a crack at the enemy.

-Yes, sir.

-One feels so helpless, stuck here in the pavilion.

-Of course.

-Left, right, left, right...eugh! >

-<

-File in, come on!

-Number Two Patrol reporting.

-All right?

-All quiet.

BOMB EXPLODES

What?

I said "all quiet", and I'm not referring to the noise. "All quiet" is part of military procedure.

The ol' fool's trying to tell you we didnae spot any Nazi parachutists!

Why have the men got fixed bayonets?

In case the parachutists come floating down. We've got to be ready for the old upward thrust!

-Put your finger in that hole, Pike.

-I'm sorry, sir.

-Go and rest in the corner, Jones.

-Patrol, in the corner for a rest, at the double!

I expect you were meaning by himself, sir!

Well, you may scoff, but...I admire his spirit.

You can see the light of battle in his eyes very exhilarating!

But he gets so over-excited!

I wish YOUR eyes had that light...

..if you kept them open for long enough!

Not enough sleep?

We've been hard at it! All day in the bank and half the night on duty...

I'M tired, but I don't have a dozy look on MY face!

I have to set an example and YOU should do the same. Brighten up!

All right. I will, yes.

Uncle Arthur, would you like some hundreds-and-thousands?

How absolutely lovely. Thank you so much.

Would you like some, sir?

Not with my cocoa, thank you!

I always get my sweets' ration in hundreds-and-thousands. They weigh less and you get more for a coup...

Section three, ready for patrol.

Cap'n Mainwaring...

If you ask my opinion, I'd think it's sheer folly for the men to go out there, just now. Sheer folly!

The shrapnel's coming down like hail!

What do you suggest we do...

..crouch here all night?

No. But there's nothing they can do out there, so they should stay here It's just plain common sense!

War isn't based around common sense! I want to go and meet the enemy!

Aren't they rather high up?

Cap'n Mainwaring, that's the type of talk I like to hear!

You remind me of a major in the trenches in 1916. He was just like you.

Major Willoughby-Darcy. He didn't like skulking, either.

He didn't like crouching or skulking at all, sir.

Marvellous man, you should have seen him!

Top boots polished like glass, monocle glistening!

Anyway, one day, we was all crouching down in the trench

and suddenly he says, "Look here, boys, I've had about enough of this,

"I'm going up on the parapet, show them damn Gerrys I'm not afraid!"

He got up...

I know what you're going to say.

He went up and didn't get a scratch.

No, sir, he got shot...

..in an awkward place, he crouched a lot after that!

Yes, all right.

-Would you like some sweets, Mr Jones?

-Thank you.

BOMB EXPLODES

A whole week's sweet ration over the floor!

Blimey, that was close! Why are you lot hiding and not out looking for parachutists?

Clear off!

Don't start!

Why aren't YOU out ARP-ing?

Look, I've done MY job! That was the second bomb we've had tonight.

Where did the first land? On the pumping station. No-one was in it.

-No-one in it?! Walker and Godfrey are on duty there!

-< No-one told ME!

-Let's go!

Frazer, Jones.

What are you doing down there?

-Picking up me hundreds-and-thousands!

-Get up!

-You're in charge, Sponge.

-You can't interfere. It's an ARP matter.

-Mind your own business!

-Stop pushing everyone about!

Pick up some hundreds-and-thousands!

Warden, after you.

There you are, I told you, nobody's here.

They must be in the other room.

The ceiling's fallen!

Mr Mainwaring!

Is that Walker?

Sir, I'll give you a bunk-up!

Yes, all right! All right, corporal!

Are you all right, Walker?

-Yes, but I can't get out.

-What happened?

-The wall's fallen. The door's jammed.

-Where's Godfrey?

Top bunk, asleep!

Did you hear that? Godfrey's asleep...

The old fool's asleep, on duty, in wartime and National Service!

That's punishable by death!

-Did you hear what I said, Captain Mainwaring? Death, death!

-Be quiet, Frazer!

-Keep calm!

Why are you both in there?

I did my turn of duty, found Godfrey asleep, couldn't wake him and then the bomb fell.

Take Godfrey's name, Wilson.

I've known his name for years!

Well, write it down!

-Sir, you don't understand. I think he's ill.

-Why?

-I can't wake him.

-We'll have you out in no time.

I'll give you a bunk-down.

All right, all right, corporal!

-Now, Sergeant Wilson, come with me.

-Right, sir.

Can you manage, sir?

I don't think it's too bad. I think we'll soon shift this.

YOU'RE not shifting anything! This is an ARP job and, as chief warden, I'm in charge.

These are my men. I'm in charge, and that is that!

-Good Heavens, sir, look at that.

-What?

Those huge cracks in the ceiling.

This lot could come down at any moment!

Cor blimey, perhaps you're right, Captain Mainwaring you SHOULD be in charge!

I mean, as you say, they are YOUR men!

-Keep perfectly still, Wilson...

-Right, sir.

-..and take my hand.

-I beg your pardon?

-Take my hand!

All right, sir?

All right.

Now...

..part of that ceiling has collapsed.

God knows what's holding up the rest of it!

Any disturbance could bring the whole thing down. We must hurry Godfrey may be very ill.

But how can we shift the rubble without the rest caving in?

Well, the only way that I can see is to form a chain

then we pass the rubble into this room.

It won't be pleasant at the head of the chain...

Damn dangerous!

-PERMISSION TO WHISPER, SIR?

-Ssshhh!

-Ssshhh!

Sir, I'd like to volunteer to be at the head of a daisy-chain.

Would you let me do that, sir, be at the head?

Daisy-chain! No, no, no, corporal. We're going to draw lots for it.

I'm going to put crosses on two pieces of paper

and whoever gets the two crosses goes to the head of the chain. Right? Right.

Uncle Arthur, I saw them do this once in that film Each Dawn I Die.

-Did you really?

-Yes.

-Who got the cross?

-The sergeant.

-Oh!

Now, six pieces of paper in this hat...

-But there are only five of you!

-You're the sixth!

Wait a minute, this has got nothing to do with me!

He's yellow!

Yes, he's got a big yellow streak right down his back!

-Will you take one?

-Yes, I won't give you lot a chance to have anything on me!

-You first, Wilson.

-Right, sir, right.

Blank.

-Nothing on it.

-Frazer.

I'm next!

Blimey, I've got it!

What a pity, I was going to pick that one!

I'll take the next one.

I've got the second.

Let me go instead of you, sir. Let me go instead. You're too young to die!

No, no. I want you here, at this end of the chain.

Take off your equipment. But leave your hats on.

Right, come along, chief warden.

No need for that!

(Any noise will bring this lot down. Don't let them make any noise. Pass it on.)

-(Don't make a noise. Pass it on.)

-(Don't make a noise. Pass it on.)

(No noise! Pass it on.) (No noise! Pass it on.)

(Don't make a...)

WALKER: HEY, JONESEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

(Don't make a noise!)

His heart's not beating!

Blimey, no wonder I can't hear anything!

JONESEY >

-Yes.

-What's going on?

-Nearly through. How's Mr Godfrey?

-I can't make it out, he's sleeping like a baby!

-Walker!

-I'm here, sir.

Open this door by pushing from your side.

-Ahem!

-What?

-A bit more!

-Oh.

-How's Godfrey?

-He seems OK,

but I can't wake him.

Do you hear me? Godfrey, are you all right?

That's OK...I thought I told you two to stay in the other room.

If the silly old...if the man's ill, we want to help!

I've got my Scouts first-aid badge!

-Tell Jones to stay where he is and to shut his door...quietly!

-Jonesey.

Mr Mainwaring says to stay where you are and close the door.

-Stay where I am and close the door...

-That's right.

I can't reach it from here.

-Get down and do it!

-Right, sir.

Close it quietly!

SLAM

TIMBERS CREAK

I'm afraid he didn't close it very quietly.

-A fine mess you've landed us in, Mainwaring!

-Shut up!

Come 'ere. Give us a hand.

There must be a ton of bricks behind that door.

We're trapped.

Aye, we're doomed!

Doomed!

Mr Mainwaring, I'm afraid I closed the door too hardly!

Listen to me very carefully, Jones.

I want you to go back to the command post and tell them to come and rescue us.

Come and rescue... Don't panic, sir! Don't panic!

-Mr Mainwaring... Mr Godfrey's waking up. >

-Ah.

Oh, hello!

I must have dozed off for a moment.

Dozed off! He's been asleep for four hours!

What were you playing at?!

I've been sleeping badly. I mentioned it at the clinic. They gave me some tablets which must have been strong!

-How dare you take sleeping tablets on duty! I've a good mind...

-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

-Permission to worry?

-What is it this time?

-I can't get out!

What?!

I tried to open the back door and the knob came off!

What did I tell ye?

We're doomed! Doomed!

Do be quiet, Frazer. Let me think.

Don't worry, you'll get an idea in a minute.

Now, keep calm, men.

Wilson, come...Wilson get up! Come over here.

-We're likely to be here for some time.

-Yes.

-We've got to keep the men cheerful. You must back me up with a smile!

-Yes.

Is that all right, sir, like that?

It's better than nothing, I suppose!

Gather round, men. Come here.

Look here, we're in a pretty tight spot.

It shouldn't be long before Sponge realises we're missing and comes to our rescue.

Meanwhile, we'll keep our spirits up with a sing-song. What shall we sing?

I know one... # It was Christmas day in the workhouse...#

-No. I want a song we can do actions to.

-You can do actions to that!

-Not those sort of actions!

-Mr Mainwaring...

..we could always sing a Boy Scouts' song.

Yes, that's an excellent idea, Pike.

Why don't we take a leaf from His Majesty's book and sing Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree.

Wilson will do the cheerful actions and we'll follow.

-If Wilson's going to be cheerful, I'd just as soon be miserable!

-I don't want any insubordination.

-Right. I take it you know the actions?

-Yes, I know them vaguely, I saw them on Movietone news.

Right. Sergeant Wilson will do the actions.

I don't know them very well, someone else might be better...

Come over here, Wilson.

-Look, you will back me to the hilt.

-Yes, sir.

-You will do these actions, that is an order! Right?

-Yes.

-And you will do it cheerfully! Right?

-Right.

Do you want me to come down and join in or stay up here and join in?

Stay up there, Godfrey. Right, all together then... Oh, Jones...

-Sir.

-You do the actions too.

Even though you can't see me, I'll do the actions right up to the hilt!

Right, after two then: ONE, TWO!

# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree

# Where I held you on my knee

# There we raised a family

# 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree. #

CLATTERING AND SHOUTING

-Are you all right, Jones?

-Yes, sir...

-..but it's difficult doing the actions when you're pressed up against the wall.

-Yes.

-Perhaps you'd better just sing the words.

-Right.

All right, sir?

-Right, let's have a run through it again.

-Right, sir.

-ONE, TWO!

# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree

# Where I held you on my knee

# Where we raised our family

# 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree. #

Captain Mainwaring, I'm all wet!

It's the pipe. FRAZER: A bomb must have cracked it!

-Let's wrap something round the pipe to stop the flow.

-Pike, wrap your tunic round the pipe.

-Why me?

Because you're wet already.

-Hang on.

-Yes.

-We're underground.

-Yes.

-If that keeps pouring in, we'll drown. Suppose we can't stop it?

-THEY ALL SHOUT

-Keep calm. There's no such word as "can't". Go and wrap it round, boy.

I don't think it's going to work!

-Keep it up. You're doing fine!

-All right, I'LL do the encouraging!

-Maybe Jones could try one of the stop-cocks next door.

-Good idea.

I'll tell him...OH!!

Walker, tell Jones to cut the water off with the stop-cock.

Right, sir. Jonesey...

-What?

-There's water pouring in.

-Mr Mainwaring says turn it off.

-How?

-Turn the stop-cock.

-What stop-cock?

-What stop-cock?

-It's on the pipe.

-The stop-cock's on the pipe, cock!

-No stupid jokes, tell him to hurry.

-Get on with it, Jonesey.

-Yes, um, which way's off?

-Which way's off?

-Clockwise.

-Clockwise.

-Clockwise, right, sir, clockwise...

-Uuuh! Uuuh!

-Jones, it's getting worse!

-Ooh! It must be this way...

You're making it worse, you damn fool! THEY ALL SHOUT

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

Mr Mainwaring, could I come up on the bunk, please?

I'm sorry, Pike, there isn't any room.

What am I going to do when the water reaches my head?

Don't worry, we'll have thought of something by then.

Can I come in your bath, please? No, you can't! It only holds one.

Stop making waves. The slightest movement will have this thing over!

-I know, how about singing a song?

-Yes, what shall we sing?

How about Asleep In The Deep?!

-Uncle Arthur...

-Yes?

If you don't let me up on that bunk, I'll tell mum!

Do stop moaning, Frank! Can't you see there's no room?

Mr Mainwaring, you said you'd think of something before it reaches my head!

Don't worry, don't worry! I'm working on it!

-Any ideas yet, Wilson?

-No, but I'm working on it too!

-Yes.

The water...the water's getting higher and higher!

It might be a good idea if we talked less save the air.

Be quiet, Godfrey! It's your fault that we're in this mess!

We're entombed...

..and doomed!

I mind the time when I was a wee laddie on the lone isle of Barra...

A submarine got sunk in Castlebay

and seven brave men were trapped in it.

The water got higher and higher and higher...

..until it got up to their necks, and then, egh!

Terrible way to die!

Put a sock in it!

-GODFREY: Mr Mainwaring, sir...

-If you want to be excused, it's impossible!

I agree!

GODFREY: No, I think I've found a way out.

Don't be absurd!

If we open this manhole...

Well, how would you undo the bolts?

-WALKER: Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes.

..that's what those spanners are for.

By Jove, I think you're right, Walker! Boy go and get that big spanner.

Yeah, I thought it would be me!

-Awfully clever of you, Godfrey!

-Thank you very much, sir.

I can't reach it, sir. ALL: Oh!

You, what's your name...Hodges, go and get it.

MR Hodges to you, Napoleon!

-I presume you want to get out of here?!

-Oh, all right!

Quick as you can!

< Paddle a bit more! Give us a hand, can't you?

Give us a hand! It's different now, isn't it?!

When I wanted to get IN your bath you didn't want to know, NOW you want help!

-I...I can't reach it!

-Well, stand up!

If I'm not very careful, I shall...

If I'm not very careful, I shall...

AAGH!

..fall in!

Of all the bungling idiots!

Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I'LL get it!

-WALKER: Here, give it to me.

-Well done, Frank!

Can you manage?

Yeah, it's a bit stiff, but they're coming.

Good!

OOH! I'll get it in a minute! I'll get it in a minute!

I wish I had something to lever it with, lever it with...

A spanner...

With a spanner.

Wait a minute...

..there's a manhole.

Why didn't I think of this before?

It fits! Don't worry my brave lads, I'll get you out. I'll rescue you!

Uncle Arthur, give me a hand up!

I can't you'll get us all wet!

-I'd like to make YOU wet, mate!

-Oh, clear off!

-Don't argue. Get through this hole, so we can rescue Jones.

-Right.

I'm coming my brave lads! I'm coming my brave lads, don't you worry. I'm coming, Jonesey's coming!

Hurry up, hurry up, I'm wet through! I'm just as wet as you are!

BANGING AND SHOUTING

I'm coming! Blimey!

Oh! Oh! Where is everyone?

Mr Mainwaring, are you there?

Mr Mainwaring...is that...

Mr Wilson, where are you?

-Jones.

-MUMBLED SHOUTS

-He's gone!

No, he hasn't. Look!

Get him down!

All right, come on, Jones. Come on.

Oh, there you are, boys. Boys, there you are!

-I thought you was all drowned! I am pleased to see you.

-Yes, all right.

I'm getting out of here.

Who shut this door?

It was draughty, you were wet - I didn't want you to catch cold!

There's no handle. You've done it again, haven't you, Godfrey?

What are we going to do, sir?

-Someone's got to go through that hole, through the other hole, then round to open the door.

-Quite.

-Someone will get very wet!

-Obviously.

-Wilson...

..take your trousers off!

Why does it have to be me?!