Episode 1 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Patrick Kielty, and welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

the show where, each week, my guests will be handing over

their laptops and allowing me a chance to delve into

their internet history

to entertain, amuse and possibly blackmail them in the future.

So, who are the brave souls who have actually volunteered to do this?

Let's meet them.

First up, a mad-keen West Bromwich Albion fan who,

at night, often goes to sleep

dreaming of his favourite footballers.

It's Adrian Chiles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Thank you.

And with Adrian, a mad-keen Chelsea fan who, at night,

actually gets to go to sleep with her favourite footballer.

It's Christine Lampard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Mwah!

-How you doing?

-I'm very well. Very well, thank you.

-Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

-Thank you for having us.

-You're looking very glamorous.

-Am I? Oh, thanks very much.

-And you're looking very glamorous too, Christine.

-Thank you.

So, look, guys, before we begin,

-can we confirm that these are your laptops?

-Yes, I can.

We've nothing to hide. You've packed them yourselves?

No-one has asked you to carry anything?

-I think, yeah.

-OK.

So we're going to get into these in just a wee second but I guess

we have to start with Christine Lampard - congratulations.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know!

It feels crazy. That's the first time I've heard it on the telly.

-How does it feel?

-It feels really different!

-Different?

-Yeah, it does.

-Different in a nice way?

Different in a lovely way. Yeah, it is. It's really nice.

So, we've got to ask you guys, do you spend a lot of time online?

Is that something...

When I was asked to come on here, I revealed what

I spent my time looking online and compared to what some people

must look at, I just thought, "They're not going to have me on."

"Who Do You Think You Are?" came and talked to me once

about going on there, talking about my ancestry,

and the woman looked fascinated for an hour.

I never heard from her again. And I called in, "What's happened?"

She said, "Sorry, just absolutely nothing interesting."

So, you know, I thought...

I could have saved her that hour and told her that in the first place!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, it's going to be like that, is it?

-I didn't realise...

You're on my turf now, Chiles!

CHEERING

I didn't think this was going to be like this at all!

Apparently we're getting stuck in!

So let's start with a website

that both of you spend a little bit of time on.

Here it is. TripAdvisor.

Now, this is a site that hosts over 320 million reviews of hotels

and restaurants and attractions.

But the great thing about TripAdvisor is that being

on your TripAdvisor, Christine, I can kind of see where you've been.

-Oh, right, yes.

-And very, very varied, from New York...

-Yes.

-..where Frank, of course, plays his footie...

-Yep.

..to your hometown of Newtownards. There's New York...

Yay!

Yep. Yep.

I know that well.

People think that TripAdvisor is harsh but, you know,

really, here, in the old days, if somebody didn't like a restaurant,

it wouldn't be there the next day. It was...

"How was the scampi?" "You'll hear in the morning!"

So how does the food compare in New York to Northern Ireland?

-And remember where you are.

-Yeah. Well, the food in New York...

There are just so many places, obviously. Just millions.

I think you could probably eat in a different place

every single day for the rest of your life there.

But having said that, I think there's no place like home.

I feel very proud of coming back home

and I bring lots of people home, who constantly say, "Wow!"

I don't think they even were expecting it

to be as good as it was.

I think we do food brilliantly in this part of the world.

-Well, they bring those things, soda farls back...

-Soda farls.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

-There was potato bread, as well.

-Potato bread's another thing.

Oh, now you're talking!

-Potatoes and bread!

-Yeah.

And something called fadge I had a long... Fadge?

LAUGHTER

-Fadge.

-You had that a long time ago, did you say?

Has anyone heard of fadge, or have I dreamt that?

-No, I had a girlfriend in Derry a long time ago...

-Whoa!

No, her mum gave me the fadge. I'm sure it was fadge.

I think I caught the fadge off a girl once.

OK, so, Adrian, you're not a man shy to give his opinion on stuff,

so I wasn't surprised to see that you'd left...

some feedback in a hotel that you didn't quite feel

met the standards of Adrian Chiles whenever you went to New York.

When I say "feedback", you didn't actually leave the feedback on TripAdvisor.

You decided to go all the way to the top

and send an e-mail to the person that runs TripAdvisor...

-You did not!

-Mr TripAdvisor himself.

-I did.

Well, yes, I was so irate. It didn't only didn't meet standards,

it was just a stupid place.

I mean, it was sort of reassuringly expensive.

The rooms were tiny and impossibly trendy, so...

And it was like an open-plan toilet in there, do you know what I mean?

And I was in there on my own but even I didn't want, you know,

to see the rest of the room while I'm sitting on the toilet.

So, anyway, I let rip with an e-mail to Mr TripAdvisor.

OK, so this is your firmly worded e-mail.

"At 3am, I resorted to removing/destroying

"any light bulbs I could get hold of.

"They were as bright as Guantanamo."

Oh, he's not finished! He's not finished.

"Surely this is not cricket, as we say where I come from.

"Sorry for my caustic tone but I'm tired.

"Yours, Adrian Chiles."

I've not heard back from them!

Don't worry, Adrian, because you're not on your own.

You're not the only traveller whose trip failed to meet expectations.

These are genuine reviews on TripAdvisor.

"There was a poo in the kettle."

One star.

Another genuine review...

Now, I'm not sure whether he thought Michael Barrymore was responsible for the pasties.

So we've had a look at some of the places that you've been online.

Now we're going to have a look at some of the questions

that you've been asking the internet.

So we'll start with you, Christine.

We're making that up. We're only kidding about.

-These are your real searches.

-Right, OK.

-These are the real ones.

-Do you want to go back to the pretend questions?

-Yeah, yeah.

Way more interesting than that, actually.

Yeah, it's a funny thing because Frank's two little girls,

who I have, like, half the week, are just obsessed with,

obviously, online, YouTube - anything at all.

And the second that they're in the car, it's like,

"Can I have your phone?" And it's...

They're just completely obsessed at the minute with wrestling.

So the little youngest one got into the car the other day and said,

"Oh, my goodness. You have got to watch Rey on YouTube."

And I said, "Rey who?" And she went, "Rey! Rey! The wrestler Rey!"

"Where did this fascination with wrestling come from?"

So I had to sit and watch all of these ridiculous...

Rey wears this mask thing.

Do you know what Rey looks like, who Rey is?

He can't spell his own name. I know that much.

-That's true. This is...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There he is. They're completely obsessed with this guy.

That's not a wrestler.

THIS is a wrestler.

Oh!

-I'll show them that.

-It's amazing that that's - what, 30 years ago?

That was considered an athlete in Britain.

-OK, we've got, "What age is Beyonce?"

-Yes. They love Beyonce.

They know every single word of every single song.

It's just a complete obsession.

When I started The One Show, I called her "Bey-onse" once.

-I'd never heard of her.

-Bey-onse!

-The first time you see it, it's Bey-onse, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-How old is Bey-onse?

-How old is Bey-onse?

Well, there should be a thing over the E, shouldn't there,

for Beyonce? I would have known.

I remember looking at you, going, "Did you just say Bey-onse?"

It was just... Where have you been?

I'd get in a terrible muddle, sometimes,

-wouldn't know what guest...

-Oh, yeah.

-Who was that...

Who was the actor we got on, the...

-Morris... David... We got...

-No...

-It was David Morrissey.

-Oh, no, it was David Morrissey but...

It was David Morrissey but in my head...

In my...

Halfway through I said, "Are we going to ask him about Doctor Who?"

"What you talking about?"

"We've got to ask about Doctor Who."

I thought everyone had forgotten he was on Doctor Who. It wasn't him I was thinking of. It was...

It was David Tennant I was thinking of! Can you imagine?

And I swear to God, that's the truth and I went,

"Oh, that's the funniest thing!"

And we'd been through meetings all day long

and he clearly hadn't listened to one word anyone had said until

we were live on the telly and he said, "Go ask him about Doctor Who."

No, but I have... This keeps me up! I sweat about,

that could have happened! I'd say, "Tell us...

"I can't let you go without asking you about Doctor Who."

"What about it?" "You know, you and the..." Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Christine sitting there thinking to herself, "What a Bey-onse!"

Time to take a quick break from your internet history

and instead see what else we can learn about your online life

in the part of the show that we call Things The Internet Say About You.

-Oh, dear!

-Do either of you look yourselves up?

Adrian, is that something you would do? Do you ever check your name?

Absolutely not in a million years.

You put anything up, I'm just going to go like this.

HE ROLLS TONGUE

What about you, Christine? Do you bother?

I haven't done it for a long time. I have done. But years ago.

I just wouldn't... I wouldn't even begin to think about doing it now.

Did it wind you up, or did you just...

No, I just very rarely would read anything that's real.

Or someone maybe has said something that's not terribly nice,

and what's the point in reading it?

So I haven't done it for a long, long time. I really, really haven't.

-You're right, though. There is lots of random, ridiculous stuff up there.

-Loads.

-This one concerns both of you.

-Right.

-We'll start gently.

-"The hottest team on television."

-That is random!

We found this on the internet. This book, which is Presenting...

-No way!

-You're looking at...

-This is a real book. You haven't seen this before?

-No.

Someone has written a book about you guys, which is a double biography.

-I've never seen it.

-Nothing? You've never seen this?

-No.

It's quite hard to get hold of. I had to get it online.

When it turned up, it had actually come from Fife Library.

If you... If you can get right in there...

-Look underneath!

-There it is.

-The best bit.

-Further down...

Oh, further down? "Withdrawn."

There's one little section in it here which is about you guys just...

You didn't really get on, whenever...

-Oh, yeah!

-When you look at you guys now, you think,

-"They must have hit that off straightaway."

-No.

-Wasn't like that.

It isn't that we didn't get on, but I just...

I thought she was a bit of a...

-Just be honest. Just be honest.

-Adrian, I'll read you the quote.

"At first," said Adrian,

"I thought she was a dippy, nice-looking bird

"and she thought I was just a miserable old fart."

-It's a...

-APPLAUSE

That's not bad! That's not bad.

I wasn't expecting that that would get around of applause!

-So it got off to a bit of a shaky start?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

No, he thought I was just dopey and, er,

I just thought he was really rude to everybody.

And then when we were in the studio, you used to think...

You used to talk over me constantly and you just thought I was stupid.

But because I'd worked in the studio and behind the scenes

and I knew how it worked, I was able to pull him on stuff,

so occasionally I'd say, "You're at the wrong camera, Adrian,"

and then he would sort of come around to thinking,

"Oh, she's not completely stupid and, actually, she knows

"a bit more about our environment here than I do, potentially,"

and I think that was when you started to allow me to speak.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to say, thanks for agreeing to come on,

because the last time, I think, us three were on a show together, I...

-SHE GASPS

-Oh!

-I gave out Christine's phone number.

-Oh, my goodness!

-I did.

-You did.

-On The One Show. There it was.

-Oh, there it is.

-Yeah.

It was in the mid-'70s, by that haircut.

-This was...

-That was the funniest thing. Do you remember us coming off the air?

I don't remember you laughing about it at the time, to be honest.

-Oh, it was...

-You didn't mean to, obviously, and it was

because our birthdays were close and you were talking about being

in London and a whole crowd of us getting together and we were...

-We were trying to organise it.

-I'm embarrassed even listening to this!

-He wrote the number down and then, of course...

-At the end of the show.

And said, "Oh, look out, I've got your number," but held it up and, obviously,

you can pause live telly nowadays,

so I got about a thousand text messages.

-Cos afterwards, we had to go on a long car journey - some awards, do you remember?

-Yes, that's right.

And I remember your phone - literally,

-you must have had 500 texts.

-Oh, I think there was even more.

Nice texts, thankfully.

I know, and I went in to apologise, into your room,

and the phone was just going,

"Bippidy-beep, bibbidy-beep, bibbidy-beep,"

and 99% of the texts were,

"Hello, Christine, this is Barbara from Basingstoke.

"I think you just need to know

-"that he may have given your phone number out."

-Yes. Yeah, yeah.

And then you had 1% of just men in a beard with a pipe

and nothing else, just going, "Call me."

It was a bit more graphic than, "Call me."

Now, there's actually...

There's lots of stuff about you guys, also, individually.

Christine, here's what the internet says about you.

I remember that.

-Yeah, yeah. It did say that.

-When did this happen?

-This was when I...

When we just started The One Show.

It was on Wikipedia - exactly this -

that I was married to Hunter from Gladiators.

-Let's have a little look at Hunter from Gladiators. Here he is.

-Yes.

There he is.

A beautiful specimen of a man and I was supposed to have adopted

two children with him and do you remember, they were called...

-Meadow.

-..Meadow - well remembered. Meadow and Nbwaki.

-I swear to God, that is the truth.

-I so wanted this to be true.

-I know.

-And whatever you married Frank, the vicar said,

"If there's anyone who has any reason why..."

And this man in a leotard with a giant cotton bud just turns up

at the back of the church.

This one - a little bit more sensitive.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I read so many things and heard

so many things leading up to the wedding.

The biggest one for me - and this actually really annoyed my mum and dad because it made me look awful -

was the fact that I had booked about 25 different castles

all over the place - do you remember?

And there was already a wedding on that day

and because I wanted the castle, I'd demand that I got this day

and I paid for the bride to move her wedding to another day,

I paid her mortgage off so that I could get the day in this castle.

I mean, it just made me out to be a complete...

Are you allowed to say "bitch" at this time of night?

-You're allowed to say it, yeah.

-Yes, it did. It was awful.

My mum and dad really got annoyed and they let things flow over them

quite a bit but they got annoyed with that, cos it just...

It's just the opposite of what we are.

But the day itself was fantastic?

Yes, yes, and I certainly don't think I was a bridezilla.

We organised the whole thing in a matter of weeks. So I...

-I think I was very relaxed. I was, wasn't I?

-Yeah, it was...

-It was... It was lovely.

-I slept in on the morning of it and everything!

I don't know whether you were relaxed but it was a great...

It was a special thing to be at.

I mean, obviously, for those two, but for me, for all of us...

-There was a lot of dancing.

-Keep digging, Adrian!

-No, but it was.

-You were dancing and everything.

-I wasn't, strictly speaking, dancing.

I shifted from foot to foot for a bit.

And finally, Adrian, here's yours.

Please tell me this was true!

"Adrian Chiles was almost the next James Bond."

Well, this was...

When I left university, I applied to join the diplomatic service.

I did the civil service exams, which I failed, actually.

But then I got...

I got a note saying,

"There is other government work for which you might be considered."

So I wrote back and I said, "Yeah, why not?"

And then came about the longest interview I've ever had.

It went on for two-and-a-half hours.

It was kind of forensic. And at the end, she says,

"I'm from British intelligence."

And he said, "That's... That's MI5."

I was allowed to tell my parents about it and I told them

and then I heard my dad laughing and my mum looked nonplussed

and it turned out she thought the woman said,

"I'm not from British intelligence - I'm from MFI."

APPLAUSE

Time now to take a look at your social media.

Adrian, this is going to be a brief section for you,

as although Adrian is on Twitter, this is his contribution to date.

Now, you haven't even bothered putting a photo on!

-So that is officially you?

-Yeah. Yes.

-I'll have to follow you!

I've only got that so no-one else can have that. There's...

-Would anybody else want that?

-No.

There's only twice I can remember in the last ten years being abused

face-to-face, and it was a guy outside Chelsea

and I was filming something and it was before a game

and this guy just stood there and he went,

"You are the most irritating man on television."

And he just stood there, sort of, scowling at me.

And I looked at him. I had three reactions.

One was, "I'm going to cry. "Literally, I'm going to start crying."

Two, "I'm going to beat you to a pulp."

Third, I thought, "Well, fair play.

"You've come and said it to my face -

"you're not some keyboard warrior writing this."

At least he'd had the nuts to say it to my face. Same thing happened in Manchester. It was New Year's Eve.

In Manchester Piccadilly station, a bloke came up to me and said,

"You're a fucking wanker, aren't you?"

-That's awful!

-And I went...

.."Happy New Year to you, too."

But, I mean, at least he had the balls to say it to my face, you know.

Look, I don't want to shake his hand but, you know...

Well, you wouldn't - you're a wanker.

That's true. Good lad.

-So, Christine, thankfully, you ARE on social media.

-Yeah.

And you're fairly active on Twitter. This is your profile.

There it is - Christine Lampard, up in print,

with a little blue tick and a lovely pic.

You follow quite a lot of people. Who do you follow?

I follow all sorts of people.

Lots of young girls, actually, who maybe want to get into TV

and they would tweet me and say, "Please follow me," and then I'd

follow them and that sort of thing,

so it kind of almost started like that, and then

I would follow other people that I'm, kind of, interested in and so...

And then as you got more famous, do you still follow those little girls?

-Yes. Yes.

-Oh, you do? Good for you.

We have little DMs and I've brought them

-to shows with me and things, yes.

-You're also on Instagram.

-Yes.

Here is your Instagram.

It's a bit more fun than Twitter, I think, these days, Instagram,

-isn't it?

-It is. It's where the cool kids hang out.

-Is it?

-Well, I don't know what I'm on it.

-It's an online community.

There's over 300 million people and they share pictures and videos.

My problem is, I'm not on Instagram but my missus is on Instagram.

You know, whenever I'm in LA and I'm with her, and nobody knows me

and, you know, we get pictures taken together and, like,

people think it's Make A Wish.

-They do!

-That's awful!

Don't you say that! That's ridiculous!

Honestly, Americans go, "Oh, my God! Isn't she lovely?

"She's taken that guy out!"

That's awful!

-This was something you put up recently.

-Oh, yeah.

That was our honeymoon and we were in Dubai

and it was Frank and I and Frank's girls,

and we came in on the first day

and they had this incredible arrangement on the bed,

all petals and all beautiful, and the girls adored it.

So the guy that did it, he was this young guy.

He honestly hardly spoke a word of English. He was just...

I fell in love with him and so, every day, I'd say,

"Thank you so much - that's beautiful. I really appreciate it."

So every day because, I think, I made such a big thing of it,

he would try and impress us even more the next day.

So he came in with this alligator, crocodile thing one day,

with one of the girls' little toys in its mouth,

which I just thought was incredible.

He had a whole family of elephants, the monkeys there,

as you can see, and it was an exciting thing.

Every morning, the girls and I would go for breakfast and come in to see what he'd made for us.

I just loved it. I thought he was brilliant, so...

And is this something that you've maybe brought home with you?

If, say, Adrian came to stay at Castle Lampard, would this be

something that you'd put on Adrian's bed for him, to welcome him?

-Oh, my goodness!

-She'd think of something.

Well, thanks to the good people at FoldingMagic.com,

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Let your overnight guests know how much you care with these

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Go ahead - add that special touch to a guest room.

Add some fun to your child's next sleepover party.

Or even add a bit of romance for your own special someone.

Get ready to finally have fun folding laundry!

Very good.

Here to help us tonight is towel artist extraordinaire

and the owner of Folding Magic.

-On Skype, please welcome Mr John Pullum.

-Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey, John.

-Hey, Patrick. Hi, Christine, hi, Adrian.

-How are you?

-All good.

-Good, thank you.

-Fantastic.

Where are you calling us from?

Calling from Michigan,

where it's freezing and snowy and horrible

and, er, that's Michigan.

So, can you tell us, how did you get into origami with towels?

I started learning towel origami back in about 2007 and I made

a DVD on it and sold thousands around the world, so people like it.

If any of us would like to do towel origami tonight,

what advice would you give to us?

-Buy towels.

-Buy towels?

-And, er...

Very good.

Thankfully, we do have some towels and, also, we have a bed.

-So let's bring on our towels and our bed.

-Oh!

-OK. Adrian, if you just want to slide up there.

-Yep.

-This is very Dubai, Christine, isn't it?

-It's very Dubai.

-Very Dubai.

So, John, what would you like to show us tonight?

I'm going to show you how to make the towel origami elephant.

It's very, very cute. And I'm not going to use this one.

-I will use...this towel.

-How many towels do we need?

You need two - one hand towel and one bath towel.

We're going to start with the bath towel.

Adrian is basically taking up all the room on the bed there, so...

All right!

I love you, John! You're great!

You have to fold the towel into the centre.

-I'll work down from this way.

-Yes.

-And then you stop in the middle and you go onto the other side.

-OK.

Rolling back.

-You want to fold it.

-Like that, yeah?

-Lovely.

LINE BREAKS UP

-Hand towel.

-Yes, hand towel.

Hold it with your one hand and with the other hand,

-start twisting it towards the centre of the towel.

-Right, OK.

-So that the other side is like that.

-That looks very Ku Klux Klan.

And then you want to put your hand into that...

Whoa!

-Then you pull down.

-That feels very wrong.

-Oh, yeah.

-You have an elephant with a face.

-My trunk's good. Look.

All you have to do is twist it and give it a little squeeze.

-My trunk won't come up!

-Mine's not absolutely brilliant.

LAUGHTER Please! Please!

The body back...

-Yes.

-Put it...

-On top of that

-..right on top.

-We've got some eyes.

Where do we pop the eyes?

Right on the front, where most animals' eyes go.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so, we have three elephants. If you'd like to judge...

What do we think?

I think Christine's elephant is the cutest out of all of them.

It's a bit floppier-eared.

APPLAUSE

And, not surprisingly,

that means that Christine Lampard is the winner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you, John.

-And keep your applause going.

A big thank you to John Pullum.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Adrian and Christine, you're not the only ones who've been

looking at weird and wonderful stuff online.

Before the show, we asked our lovely studio audience

what they've been looking at online

and some were even willing to share their favourites with us.

So we've got some here. Where is Jenny Spater? Where is Jenny?

-Hi, Jenny.

-Hey.

What have you been looking at online that you'd like to share with us?

It is called Animals With Casts.

It's a bit sad but it's so, so cute.

Injured animals with casts?

-Oh, dear, yeah.

-Injured animals with casts.

-OK, this is a real site.

Let's have a look.

-Aw!

-Oh, my goodness!

It's actually so cute, you're almost happy they're injured!

Isn't it? OK. Next one we've got...

-Aw!

-Now, that's someone who is very colour-coordinated.

I'm not sure whether they bought the dog before the sofa.

Looks like towel origami again, doesn't it?

It does look like towel origami!

Is there any evidence that people are plastering up

uninjured animals just to get on there?

-I have no idea. No idea.

-OK.

Thank you so much for sharing. Big thanks to Jenny.

Well, that is all we've got time for tonight.

Adrian, Christine, thank you so, so much.

-You can have your laptops back. There you go.

-Thank you very much.

A big thank you once again to my guests -

to Christine Lampard and Adrian Chiles.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We will see you next time when I'll be sticking my nose into more

celebrity laptops on Delete Delete Delete.

Until then, I'm Patrick Kielty. Goodnight.