Episode 2 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty, and welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

the show where, each week, we trawl through the internet histories

of brave and some would say foolish celebrities.

I know what you're thinking -

who in their right mind would agree to that?

Well, let's meet them.

First up, we have a brilliant young comedian with a sexy accent,

incredible hair, who recently became a dad.

I know it sounds like I'm introducing myself, but no.

Please welcome Chris Ramsey.

And joining Chris, a woman who has, this week,

caused me to Google the phrase "arm up a filthy cow's bottom".

LAUGHTER Don't worry. It was all above board.

She is the presenter of BBC One's Countryfile.

It's Ellie Harrison.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How revolting.

-How you doing?

-Good. You?

-Take a seat.

And finally, last year, he scooped a BAFTA for Best Actor

playing a man accused of an unspeakable crime.

Let's hope, when we go through his laptop tonight,

life doesn't imitate art. Please welcome Jason Watkins.

-OK, so, guys, welcome to the show. Thanks for coming on.

-Thanks.

Before we go any further, are these your own computers?

-Yes, they are.

-They are?

-I recognise mine.

-OK.

Jason, I'm assuming that you go online

maybe to...to research roles, check out characters?

Sausage rolls, I think.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I do a bit, actually.

With Christopher Jefferies, there was lots of available footage,

so that was great to sort of, you know, try and mimic him, so yes.

-Which you were incredible in.

-Thank you.

-Absolutely amazing.

-Thank you.

-Now, Ellie, we all assumed,

and I assumed that with Countryfile and the great outdoors,

you wouldn't have time for online.

But there's quite a lot of online action.

I've got this dreadful inability to make a decision about anything

unless I feel like I've researched every possibility,

whether it's curtains or shoes or holidays,

and so I spend a whole lot of time

making sure I've found the perfect outcome,

-so I'm on there a lot.

-And finally, Chris,

are you ever not online? LAUGHTER

I, erm, yeah, I spend a lot...

Like, a frightening amount.

I had to fly over here and I had to put my phone on flight mode

-and I was devastated.

-Why is that? Is that because you're a young man?

Is it because you are a lonely comedian on the road?

That one. The second one. The second one, yeah.

I spend my life cursing hotel Wi-Fi.

-It never works. It never works.

-Yeah.

When you can tether your phone to your laptop

and get a better signal than the hotel Wi-Fi,

knock the hotel down and start again.

LAUGHTER Tether your phone?

-Right, Grandad, what happens is...

-LAUGHTER

Are you presenting the right show?

I have no idea. LAUGHTER

I mean, there's people in here from Tyrone that really only...

LAUGHTER In rural Northern Ireland,

they only tether a donkey.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Jason, you...you've been working here in Northern Ireland?

Yes, I've done a three-part drama called The Secret,

-which is about...

-Can you tell anything...?

-Shh, don't tell us.

-LAUGHTER

We shot it on...near Bangor and various parts of Northern Ireland

and that'll be on in...

It's probably towards the end of this year.

So, did you enjoy your time working here?

I loved it, yeah.

It's funny cos when I arrived today, the sun was shining

and for the three months that I shot The Secret...

LAUGHTER How dare you!

..I didn't see the sun.

Yeah, it's a...it's a...

I'd never been to Northern Ireland before

so it was a real treat. Beautiful country.

OK, let's talk most-viewed websites.

Believe it or not, you all have one thing in common

-which is you all love a little bit of internet shopping.

-Ah.

Now, Ellie, you Googled this joy.

-Isn't that beautiful?

-LAUGHTER

Did you just say, "Isn't that beautiful?"

It's an antique loo roll holder of a sort,

and...and it adorns my downstairs loo.

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry, antique loo?

That looks like second-hand loo roll.

-What state's that in?

-LAUGHTER

It does, it does, it does.

You can tell that that's a woman's purchase

because some women are sitting thinking,

"That's quite cute," and men are sitting thinking,

"The last thing I need in the loo is another shoe to piss on."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So true. That's so true.

-So, Jason, you like a browse...

-Yeah, yeah, I like a browse.

-..in sites like this.

-I'm worried now.

-Yes, I do.

-You're relieved now, aren't you?

-I am, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah. Yeah, thank goodness.

Yes, I look at a lot of property online and...

-Are you in the market for a house?

-No, not at all.

Well, I'd like to be,

but where I'd like to live, I just can't afford,

so, well, you end up having this vicarious life

of looking at places where you could actually live

where you would take all your family,

ship them off to the middle of nowhere

and live in a massive house. It's like Northampton.

In Northampton, I could buy a sort of six-bedroom place

with outhouses and lawns and all that, but...

-Is Northampton a nice place?

-Well, I think...

Well, it's near London. It's very quick to get into town.

Sorry, can I just say -

I love it when someone explains how good a place is

by how fast you can leave it to go somewhere else.

-LAUGHTER

-It's the best.

APPLAUSE

We all like a little bit of looking online

at other people's houses, don't we?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-Yeah, we do. We love a bit of nosying.

But the standard of the estate agent pictures,

they do tend to vary because the internet, it's full of lies

and when you add estate agents to that...

LAUGHTER

So much so that one man in Scotland

discovered so many bad estate agent pictures

while he was house hunting that he created a blog showcasing them.

Have a look at some of these treats.

This is an actual estate agent's picture.

LAUGHTER

What does that say? "Look, a great room to have a hangover in"?

-It's rubbish.

-I like the framing as well.

There's a lot of wall there, isn't there?

-LAUGHTER

-That's really attractive, isn't it?

Our next picture is this one.

LAUGHTER

That is astounding.

-Is that a cat bowl next to the bog?

-That is, yes.

There's so many things about this, Ellie.

-I don't know what to look at. This is incredible.

-It is.

So, I'm not sure - is this a living room

that someone has decided to put a loo in,

or is this a loo where someone has decided,

"I'm going to bring a chair in so someone can chat to me while..."

LAUGHTER

You wouldn't want to be drunk stumbling in there.

You wouldn't know where to aim, would you?

-Well, you could aim anywhere.

-LAUGHTER

And our final real estate agent picture.

-LAUGHTER Oh!

-Oh, my God!

This is an actual picture of a house for sale.

I really don't know where to start with the plumbing here. It's...

You really have to worry what is hooked up to what.

-LAUGHTER

-You can imagine sort of

sitting there with this thing shaking.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, Chris, your online shopping - you do like a little bit of Lego.

I do. I do love Lego. It's...it's a weird...

Well, it's not weird. Like, I've always loved Lego

and it was always...

-When you were a child?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was always too expensive. I remember wanting the massive sets.

Then I remember walking past a Lego shop a couple of years ago

and thinking, "I still like that, but it's too expensive.

"No, it's not. I'm an adult. I'm going to buy loads of it."

-LAUGHTER

-And that's what happened.

Well, what's interesting about it is that

not only are you a grown man that has Lego,

but you sometimes buy second-hand Lego.

Yes, I bought one set of second-hand Lego

and it smelt like cigarettes and I didn't like it.

And there was hairs on some of the bits.

Like, in them. Like, in them.

Like, there was a hair in two bits that hadn't been taken apart.

So, what is the resale value on...on...?

I bought one that, when it was on the shelf,

I think it was about 150 quid or something,

but had been discontinued.

You couldn't get it anywhere. And I paid 600 quid on eBay for it.

Ooh-la-la! Amazing.

Now, the thing about Lego is that not all eBay sellers

are really that concerned about quality.

Cos when I actually went online, Chris, I found this.

That's an all right price. That's not bad.

LAUGHTER It's described as

in excellent condition,

although 59 out of the 726 pieces are missing.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, ruin your day.

-Obviously...

-Oh, my goodness.

-..that is disgraceful.

He wants kicked off eBay.

-That's disgraceful.

-LAUGHTER

How does he sleep at night? What is...?

LAUGHTER So, Chris, we know you love Lego...

-I do.

-..and we've been having a little laugh with you over this.

Did I mention my wife is actually made of Lego?

-LAUGHTER

-I did, didn't I?

-Sex is painful, but I still like it.

-LAUGHTER

That's where all the hairs come from.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, Chris, we actually...we know you love Lego so much

that we've decided to contact Mr Chris Blight.

-Do you know Chris?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

Chris is from the company Bricking It...

LAUGHTER

..and what we've actually done,

we've actually made our very own Lego set here.

This is Chris made from Lego.

Look, we've got a little microphone and the T-shirt that you wear.

-"The T-shirt that you wear."

-LAUGHTER

-We've actually got Ellie here. Little Ellie.

-Oh, that's lovely.

There we go.

And, Ellie, he's made a little pig.

-Oh, that's...

-Oh! A little farmyard Lego pig.

-So, we've also got Jason.

-What am I holding?

There's Jason with no hair.

And this is... LAUGHTER

-Am I holding my hair?

-You're actually...

-Well, this is your BAFTA, but...

-Oh, right. Oh, thank you.

..if you clip the BAFTA off, the BAFTA actually goes on your head.

LAUGHTER

And then they've also made...

They've been very, very generous with the amount of hair,

but that's your host there.

-Look at that.

-We just want to compare the likeness here.

We're just going to do a little split screen here. Oh.

There we go! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And, all together, after three...

-# Everything is awesome! #

-LAUGHTER

# Everything is cool when you're part of a team. #

A round of applause for the Lego. APPLAUSE

OK, so, moving on.

I've had a little look at your social media profiles.

-Now, you're all on Twitter.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Ellie, you have to be very careful about what you tweet

-because you work for the BBC.

-Yeah, yeah.

I think we, as BBC employees,

get watched and listened to and have to reflect a neutral voice,

so I have to walk a pretty careful path.

Yeah, you play it safe with tweets like this.

-Now...

-LAUGHTER

Now, this tweet says, "For your delectation,

"a scrotal circumference of 45cm.

"There's a significant correlation

"between scrotal circumference and sperm cell volume."

And I'm sure you're all glad to know that.

Did you get a tape measure and actually go round them?

-No, I was...

-SHE LAUGHS

I was given some...some facts from the farmer.

They're quite low hanging. I first looked at that and...

I'm from the countryside. I was about to try to milk that.

LAUGHTER

I'm more impressed that you got signal out there.

LAUGHTER

So, we found out loads about what you guys do online,

but what else can we discover on there?

This is the bit of the show that we like to call

Things The Internet Says About You.

-Jason, let's begin with you.

-Oh.

Did you actually know this joyous fact about yourself?

LAUGHTER

Oh, thank you very much.

Now, this was an SFX poll in 2010.

Any idea who may have been above or below Jason?

-The one off Sesame Street.

-LAUGHTER

-The Count. The Count.

-He did the list himself. He counted it all.

HE IMIMTATES COUNT VON COUNT: 'In at one... Ha-ha-ha.'

You were actually very, very close.

-You actually beat your co-star, Mr Poldark himself.

-Wow!

-You beat Aidan Turner by six places.

-Wow!

This is where I take my top off, is it?

-And just show my...?

-LAUGHTER

This is you as a vampire. LAUGHTER

So, acting, was that something you always wanted to do?

Was there another job?

Erm, well, no, I wanted to be a footballer at one point.

I played sort of semipro when I was 17.

I was at Wrexham briefly when I was sort of 16

and so I wanted to do that.

And then I wanted to be a set designer or a PE teacher,

but I didn't really...I wasn't particularly academic at all.

I had dyslexia and I had problems, so, academically, I was rubbish,

so all my energies went into other things,

and acting was something that I warmed to.

So, whenever you're actually looking at a script

and you're dyslexic, does that make it...?

Yeah, when you're reading aloud for the first time...

Autocue is quite a challenge for me,

-but when you're reading aloud...

-It's a challenge for me.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah. Yeah, I've noticed.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is.

Yeah, so, there are things that I've had to sort of work at, yeah.

OK. Now, Chris, we found this out online.

Is this true?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, I had it done via Twitter, actually.

I was travelling from London to Newcastle one night

and it's all...

I mean, you've toured the country, you've been on trains and stuff

and it's egg and cress sandwiches and just... Oh, God.

They try and be really over-the-top

and it's like, "What flavour flan would you like?"

-Get it out me face.

-LAUGHTER

So, I thought, "You know what? I'm going to order a pizza."

I went on Twitter and I went,

"Do you think it's possible to get a pizza delivered?

"Like, how long does the train stay at the station?"

-This was a very well-coordinated event.

-Yeah, impressive.

We have some of the tweets here. So, we've got...

-There we go.

-That there's the thing from the door of the train

as you get on that tells you...

It's stopping at all those places.

So, it was like, "Right, it's got to be York or earlier."

And the reason for that is because I didn't want to go to bed

-with a full tummy of pizza.

-LAUGHTER

I started tweeting. I tweeted Domino's.

They basically DM'd me on Twitter

and they said, "Oh, we'll be able to deliver it at Doncaster."

And I spoke to the staff on the train very discreetly

-and they said they would let...

-And said, "Your food's shit.

"Can I get some...?" LAUGHTER

Yeah, so they said, "We've spoke to the staff at the gates

"at that station and they will let the pizza person through.

"We wouldn't normally do it, but we will do it."

So, I was like, "Well, this is amazing."

And I just sat sweating. Just sat.

-And normally I watch... There we go.

-There we go.

-I'm sweating.

Yeah. I was terrified, like, and I was just like...

-LAUGHTER

-Me Twitter was going crazy.

There was so many people getting involved.

And I like the fact you've actually created your own hashtag.

#Pizzaonatrain trended number one worldwide all night.

No.

There was some Olympic athletes who'd been in London 2012

and they were tweeting going, "I need to get to bed for training

"but I need to see if this bloke gets his pizza delivered."

LAUGHTER

So what happened was - and this is genuinely true -

I went off, I walked back through the doors.

The whole carriage had been following it on Twitter

-and they all went, "Yay!"

-LAUGHTER

So, Ellie, this one's for you.

"Ellie Harrison is a country superstar."

-Oh, my goodness.

-Wow.

I think this was from my London days when I used to sing in a band,

and it was quite a kind of country, acoustic-y

kind of Americana type of band.

-Was that a genre that you'd always liked or...?

-Yeah, I think so.

There's quite a lot of genres within it

and Americana and folk is kind of the area that I would sit in

more than the one I...

-Cos that's kind of the cooler side, isn't it?

-Well, I reckon, yeah.

I think it is. So, you've kind of got the Americana on one side.

Uh-huh. And then your real...

-SHE IMITATES BANJO

-..on the other.

And then you've got very cool stuff like Daniel O'Donnell.

Stuff like that. LAUGHTER

How dare you. LAUGHTER

Are you a fan?

HE IMITATES DANIEL O'DONNELL: 'Would you be a fan of Daniel?'

LAUGHTER

'I'm thinking this could be your next part.'

I think so.

'He's got quite a softness to him, hasn't he?'

'He does have a softness, but the thing is...'

And he goes like that.

'..Jason, you're speaking way...too...quickly.'

LAUGHTER

And the thing about people that speak slowly is that

you don't know whether they're stupid...

LAUGHTER ..or they think that you are.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE And with Daniel, he's not stupid.

He's not stupid.

Well, Ellie, now, you don't just sing.

You can play some instruments?

I played piano for many years and I've recently taken up the banjo,

but it's really quite recent.

I've only had about four lessons.

That's a very, very country thing, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty twangy, that one.

So, if we brought on a piano here,

you could probably do something for us, could you?

Yeah, we'll do some Chopsticks.

We would never embarrass you by bringing on a piano,

so do we have a banjo?

Oh, really? Oh, my God.

-HE STRUMS BANJO

-Can you play?

No! LAUGHTER

The interesting thing is, though, that you thought

that me murdering that was playing. LAUGHTER

That's the weird thing about the banjo.

There was such confidence in the way you took it.

-This is...

-Sorry, can I just say -

that is the sexiest banjo I've ever seen.

Can I just say - that's the cheapest banjo I've ever seen.

-LAUGHTER Oh, really?

-Hello!

Well, to be honest, cheap and sexy can sometimes be very confused.

-LAUGHTER

-Can't it, though?

I kid you not, I've had four lessons and that was a long time ago.

There's something missing. We'll have to... Let's....

I've got an enormous head. This won't fit.

You see what I mean? It just sits on the top.

You want to be a baddie, Jason?

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

There we go. We'll give Chris the Lego western hat.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What are you there?

-Yeah.

IMITATES DANIEL O'DONNELL: 'I think I'm feeling much more...

'Me hat's a wee bit crooked.'

Do we feel country?

-I'm feeling a little bit country.

-I'm feeling...

-You feeling country?

-I'm feeling the love of country.

Chris, you feeling a little bit country?

-I'm going to marry me sister.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think we're just missing one thing, really, aren't we?

LAUGHTER

That's been placed in a potentially awkward position there.

That's, um... LAUGHTER

I feel like Bono in the Band Aid video.

# Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you... #

LAUGHTER

This is very wrong. APPLAUSE

-How did we get here?

-How did we get here?

How did this happen?

Can you please save us by playing us...?

I mean, I kid you not, four lessons in.

Oh, I can't even remember it.

SHE PLAYS TUNE

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Yee-haw!

Whoop-ha!

Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoo!

Whoo! Yee-haw!

Now one of the greatest joys to come from the internet

is the rise of the viral video.

Jason, this clip is one that you've watched a lot.

-It's athletic in nature.

-Ah, yes. This is just...

'Sian Welch is in a desperate spot.

'Her body has run out of fuel.

'The finish line is so close and someone is so close behind.

-'It's Wendy Ingraham.'

-CROWD CHEERING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is an athletic event in Ireland.

This is basically just a normal Friday night out.

LAUGHTER Why do you love that clip so much?

I just think it's... Oh, it's funny. I mean, it's got everything.

When she falls on the ground, it's the bit where she looks back

and sees Jaws-like another creature coming around

and then her legs start going...

It's all psychological at that point

because then her leg goes as soon as she sees her,

and then the encroaching one, her walk is similar but different.

Hers is a sort of stretching one.

And the other one's, they've just gone completely.

So, you've got this sort of battle of silly walks

as well as a battle to win the race.

The brilliant thing was it wasn't to win the race.

-It was... It was for fourth.

-That was for fourth place!

LAUGHTER

-Not even a medal.

-No.

Is it true that you actually set a world record?

-I got very close to setting a world record, yeah.

-What was that for?

When I was about 13, 14, I could walk on my hands.

Well, I've always been able to walk on my hands

since about nine, and then when I got to about...

-What, like this?

-Yeah, well, upside down.

-With the feet up?

-Yeah. Oh, gosh, yeah. I'll try.

Oh, here we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I haven't done this for a while.

That's what will make it all the more entertaining.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah. I'll just probably...

You're actually going to do this.

-I just...

-I'm so excited.

-LAUGHTER

Order a pizza.

I'll get my measuring equipment.

-Oh, hello!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo!

CHEERING

You are the most talented man I've ever met.

Well, I got very close to this world record, so...

-What was the world record?

-The Guinness Book Of Records,

all the sort of physical gymnastic things

were sort of won by these two twins.

-One of them...

-Jedward. LAUGHTER

One of them could run the length of a basketball court on his hands,

and I thought, "Hang about. I can get quite close to that."

So, I did, and I can't remember what it was,

-but I got within, like, two seconds of it.

-Wow.

I love the fact that you're actually trying to tell the story

and you're still out of puff. LAUGHTER

And you're going, "And I'm trying to get to the end

"of the story. Stitch!" LAUGHTER

So graceful, that. You were like a scorpion.

LAUGHTER

And finally, I can't help noticing some of the selfie action

that has gone on.

Jason, you took this selfie and posted it recently.

-Oh, yeah.

-Look at that.

What a tash.

Now what sauna was this in? LAUGHTER

Well, for The Secret,

I had a full beard playing a pastor of this local church,

so for my kids, I gradually shaved it off

and did that and then got down to the Village People look.

LAUGHTER

Chris, when you decided to take a selfie

with two of the best-looking men in the world...

-Oh, yeah.

-..I think you did keep up in the looks stakes.

You nailed this, didn't you?

LAUGHTER

-I've got, like, nine chins.

-LAUGHTER

Talk us through this.

Yeah, I was doing the Royal Variety Performance

and I sort of only wanted it with Ricky Martin,

-but Harry Styles kind of leaned in.

-LAUGHTER

"No bother, mate. Not a problem.

"It's bound to get us a couple of likes. Come on in.

LAUGHTER So, from that, I think we can tell

that the guy's, Ellie, they both need to raise their selfie game.

Yeah. Yeah, there's work to be done.

So, Trisha Paytas is an actress and a YouTube personality.

She's living in the States.

Take a look at this video that she posted online

with over 300,000 views

which I genuinely think, lads, could help you out.

Hey, guys. Today I am super-dooper excited.

So, today I thought I would show you guys how to take a perfect selfie.

Now it's time for the poses, so you have to work with your face

and what you like.

A lot of people like the smiling ones.

-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

-But I like pouts.

-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

-Ooh!

-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

-Hey!

-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

-Oh! A-ha!

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

Oh, and smizing.

If Tyra has taught us anything, it's how smize with your eyes,

and smizing just means you're looking at someone like,

"Hey, what's up?"

-LAUGHTER

-And that's it.

That's how to take the perfect selfie.

Don't worry about the background. It doesn't matter where you are.

The whole point of a selfie is... the money.

There was a brilliant moment where one of our greatest actors,

BAFTA award winner, was looking at that going,

"I could learn something from this." LAUGHTER

I think smizing, smizing is very undervalued.

-Yes, it is.

-Smizing, yeah.

And I'm very familiar with the word

because my wife and I watch America's Next Top Model

and smizing is a word that was born from that

and it's sort of smiling but with your eyes.

There's an app you can buy that actually does it,

that enhances that, so you look a bit like an alien

cos it makes your chin really tiny and your top...

But it's a smizing app that you can buy

that gives you that alien look.

-I don't need it.

-No need.

-LAUGHTER

I've got the hair.

We've got the phone. Let's see it. If you want to...

-If you want to give us your smize.

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, sultry.

Wholesome.

Glamour.

Sexy.

-That's constipated.

-LAUGHTER

Puzzled.

I've lost my Lego. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's the one. That's the one.

You're good.

What we'll do is we'll see if we can actually take

a little selfie with the audience, so if you want to get in there...

Yeah, can you...? Give us a smize.

-I've got to get in.

-Hang on. hang on.

-Yeah.

-What the...?!

-LAUGHTER

Get in, get in, get in, get in. LAUGHTER

Oh! CHEERING

Well, that's all we've got time for tonight.

Thank you so, so much.

Here are your laptops back.

We'll not mention the stuff that we found on them

that we can't talk about.

Well played. All it leaves me to do is to thank our guests this evening.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks again to Chris Ramsey... CHEERING

..to Ellie Harrison... CHEERING

..and to Jason Watkins. CHEERING

I'll be back next time with more celebrities

who find themselves caught in the web on Delete, Delete, Delete.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Goodnight.

CHEERING