Episode 3 Delete, Delete, Delete

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty,

and welcome to Delete Delete Delete, the show where guests hand

over their laptops and I delve into their internet histories.

Now, they tell me they've nothing to hide,

but if they do, don't worry, I've agreed to do the decent thing

and share it all with you on national television.

So, who are these foolhardy souls?

First up, we have a brilliant madcap comedian, whose audiences

often wonder what on Earth goes on inside his head.

So did I, but then, I saw what was on his laptop.

Please welcome, Jason Byrne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining Jason, a woman known for her need for speed,

though, unlike some presenters of a BBC car show,

she's never punched an Irishman in the face whilst filming...

LAUGHTER

..although that could all change tonight. It's Suzi Perry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

So, before we begin,

can we confirm that these actually are your laptops?

-Yeah.

-We'll start with Suzi.

Now, you tend to use the internet for what, is it work, is it play?

Both, really.

So, obviously work things, for research and boring stuff, which

you don't want to know about because this show is meant to be funny.

-No, it's all right.

-Is it?

You're talking to Irish people. We just love anything miserable.

I love it here. Everyone talks to you.

So in the taxi today, I was coming back from doing

a little bit of shopping,

as you do, and the guy said, "What are you doing here in Belfast?"

And I said, "Well, I'm appearing on Paddy Kielty's show."

And he said, "Oh, so you must be really famous."

And I said, "Well, no, I'm just a journalist from the UK,"

-trying to just get on with the...

-Play it down.

-..conversation.

And he's looking in his rear-view mirror and I can see he's trying

to work out if he recognises me or not, and then he starts going...

and then two fingers, and I'm like, "Drive."

So, he's going like this and he said, "You...

"no, no, you look like the girl that does that motorsport on the BBC,

"but she's older than you and wears glasses and she's a bit fatter."

LAUGHTER

-Wow!

-The cabs here...

I mean, do you still let other people in the cabs here?

Yeah, cab share.

Yeah, when I came to Belfast first, I got in at the station.

-I was playing the Empire - remember the Empire?

-The Empire Club.

And he went, "Yeah, no problem," and we just kind of sat there.

So I was like, "What are you doing?"

He goes, "Just waiting for a few more people.

-I hate that.

-And I was going, "What are you talking about?"

And he goes, "Well, there's only one of you.

"We're not moving unless there's three people in the back of my cab."

So, two strangers got in and we had to drop them off to their houses

and then I got to the Botanic Road.

-You sure you didn't get on a bus?

-No!

Had you been drinking?

Can you imagine?

Just on a bus behind the driver, "Botanic Road, please."

Now, the first thing I look at,

whenever I get nosy, is your most-searched internet sites.

Now, Suzi, probably no surprise, with you following Formula 1

around the world, that many of the sites you check out

are city guides, travel guides, stuff like this.

-Favourite place that you've visited?

-I love Brazil.

I went there last year.

I mean, I've been several times before, to a race,

but I managed to bolt on a ten-day holiday.

Because whenever you're round with the Formula 1,

there wasn't time to actually see, was there?

No, you go there and you see...

-I'm going to do some serious stuff now.

-OK.

-So...

That was brilliant, by the way.

That was just, "Now Mummy's going to talk now for a second."

LAUGHTER

I'm not farting any more.

So, yeah, you don't

normally see anything other than the track and then you fly home, but if

you've got two races back to back, you can tag a few days in between.

Anyway, last year I tagged on a holiday before we went to

Abu Dhabi and it was really beautiful, it was gorgeous.

How do you get on with your fellow presenters?

Really good.

Obviously, it takes a while, when you're in that situation,

to all trust each other, so it took us probably

the first season to bond, if you're talking about David and Eddie.

Here's a little picture from the first series.

SHE LAUGHS What was going on there?

I'm probably just trying to work out what he's saying.

Or what's going on with his hair.

The other thing with Eddie is...

Cos he had that stuck in, didn't he?

-Did he?

-He had hair implants.

He wore a helmet most of his life and then he took it off

and he had no hair.

You probably can't say that because you work with him,

but I don't know the bollocks.

I mean, I couldn't give a shite if his hair's stuck into his head,

but it is.

Isn't it? Definitely is, cos she's saying nothing.

But his hair looks grey and natural and...

Yeah, but it's glued... It's like implants into his head.

-No, it's not.

-It is.

-It's not implants.

-Ah-ha-ha!

-It's not implants.

-It's not a full wig, is it?

-Oh, that'd be brilliant.

-I'm not talking about Eddie's hair.

-Weeeeooooowww! Weeeeooowww!

-LAUGHTER

"Eddie, get back from the edge of the track."

-HE MOUTHS

-Oh, I love it, it's brilliant.

-That shall never go out.

-It has to.

-I'm hearing that will go out.

-Yay.

-Brilliant.

-That'll go out.

So, look, Jason, Suzi gets to travel the world, er,

you get to perform in lots of exotic locations, as well.

-Yeah.

-Best crowds, best audiences?

They're different everywhere I go, because I have

to use the audience, get them up on stage and talk to them.

Before I went on stage in Darwin, the guy goes to me,

"Have you been here before?"

The stage manager. I went, "No. Why, what are they like?"

He goes, "This is where you come if you owe loads of tax

"or you've murdered someone."

And he goes, "Best of luck."

And I had to walk on, to literally people sitting there...

You've gigged a lot in Australia

and we actually did find this email that you wrote to an airline...

Oh, yeah, I did.

..on one of your Australian trips.

-Have you got it?

-We do.

Mm!

-He goes on.

-Yeah!

How fit do you want your people to be?

I need them to be as fit as me. I want them sitting there like this,

getting ready.

So, when they said, "Are you willing to open the door?", I said yeah,

and your man went "Yeah" and I went,

"You won't be able to get over there."

He goes on.

OK, moving on, let's have a look at your social media profiles.

Now, I have been through your Twitter accounts and your timelines,

both very, very active on there. Jason, you've got 56,000 followers.

Suzi, you've got loads. You've got 361,000.

I joined Twitter really late, you know what I mean?

Somebody said you should do it to tell people about your gigs.

I went, "Oh, OK, I'll do it."

So, you've tweeted 7,200 times.

-Which is nothing, is it?

-No.

-No, it's really impressive.

-What?

-Oh, is it?

However, Suzi has tweeted...

42,000 times.

Wow, she's probably tweeting right now.

-What do you think I'm tweeting with?

-I don't know.

You were on the Gadget Show,

I'm sure you have loads of things in there.

LAUGHTER

Just sitting there...

-42,000 times.

-That's a lot of rubbish, isn't it?

-It's a lot.

-Do you tweet every day?

I don't tend to tweet at weekends,

unless I'm working, but I tweet something most days.

So, you take the weekends off and you still have tweeted

42,000 times. Suzi, to be honest with you,

the only account that we could find that came remotely close to 42,000

when we were having a look around this morning, was this account.

LAUGHTER

They have tweeted 38,800 times

and there's two of them.

Oh, my God, it's amazing.

Oh, my God, but are they, like, your love children?

Because look...

LAUGHTER

Suzi, it's been said that the internet is nothing

but people whinging and pictures of cats in underwear.

Now, would you say that your Twitter feed has helped change

-that perception?

-No.

No. No, because Twitter is made for stuff like that, look.

You don't strike me as that sort of crazy cat lady person.

Honestly, I'd rather spend time with cats than people

-most of the time.

-I suppose I'm more dogs, I don't know.

But have you got a dog?

I've two dogs and one nearly died.

He was dying, he had a heart murmur, he had flu and he was in bits,

he wasn't breathing, but he was still trying to wag his tail.

So now, there's nothing wrong with him, he's fully recovered.

We don't even know how, cos the vet went,

"He'll be dead in about three days."

But I think dogs are so loyal that he didn't want to upset me by dying.

LAUGHTER

That's true. That's my logic. He was literally going,

"I need to get better. I could upset Jason if I die."

And now, he's running around and he'll literally run by you

going, "I'm all right now."

-Cats wouldn't care. They'd just die, wouldn't they?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

-A cat would die to...

Just to spite you.

Yeah, and then it'd bring itself back alive for a minute

and then just do that and then die again.

You don't think that your wife, when you're away on tour one day,

the dog actually died and she replaced it with a lookalike dog?

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, God, yes, well done!

He's all right, I don't mind.

And they look the same. She did a good job.

-Four legs, tail.

-As long as she doesn't do it with the kids.

-That'd be a bit weird.

-Now, Jason, you follow some interesting people

on the old Twitter machine.

There's one in particular that seems to catch your eye.

-It's this guy.

-Ah, he's great.

-Tony Robbins.

OK. Tony Robbins is, like, a life coach in America.

With the big chin and the huge teeth.

-He's probably the world's most famous life coach.

-Yeah.

This is the type of stuff that Tony tweets.

Let's see another.

What is he talking about?

If he was doing a show here, that's exactly the face of...

Everybody in his audience in Ireland would have been just going, "Eh?"

He's hilarious. I just love him because he's so positive.

I'm Irish and we're raised like this.

And that's why nobody here knew who he was.

We live off our misery and begrudging...

Cos that's why there's so many brilliant plays

and writers and actors and everybody here, because of that.

Imagine if we were all happy,

we wouldn't have a play out of us at all.

Do you know what I mean? I mean, that's like when you go to

a sing-song at a house in Ireland it's all a bit,

# The famine and the death and the death and the famine

# The dying, the death and the misery

# The cloud and the shite and the shite and the cloud. #

-People started clapping then.

-I know, yeah.

-People were joining in!

People were joining in!

OK, while digging through your internet histories,

I found that you're both pretty keen online shoppers and you don't

just shop online, you also sell a little bit of stuff online.

Jason, you've released a number of stand-up DVDs, which can be

bought online, and, Suzi, you've also got a DVD out, is that correct?

-No.

-Well, let's have a look.

This is the Suzi Perry 1,800 Pictures Collection.

This is on eBay.

What?!

It's basically for a stalker on a budget, really, isn't it?

Did you know that existed?

-No.

-Oh, my God, this is mental.

But he has missed a trick, because without looking

too far, I can tell you that we also found this.

A signed Suzi Perry picture...

What?!

-£49.99.

-Wow. Is that your autograph?

-Yeah.

-Oh, so he must go where you are and just get you to sign.

Oh, now you're trying to introduce him as a stalker.

Well, he must be.

-Well, all stalkers have carrier bags.

-Really?

-Yes.

-They smell.

They always smell and they have cameras with film in them.

And they always wear strange clothes

and they usually have glasses on.

LAUGHTER

So, 1,800 pictures, unsigned for £2.50.

-Once we get one signed...

-Yes.

-..it's £49.99.

This is a business op right here.

So, look, I was just wondering

if you could just sign that for me.

And it's proof, on telly, as well. It has the...

If could just sign that. Don't sign it to me.

-Just sign it.

-No, and don't do your face.

-They go mental when you do that.

-Look how old that picture is.

-That was 20 years ago, surely.

-No!

-No!

LAUGHTER

I'm not having that!

Well, it's really worth money now.

I've just got another one.

And I've got another one there, could you just do that?

-That's 150.

-So, if we actually bought

the 1,800 pictures at £2.50... I mean, that's 90 grand.

-Jesus.

-Just get stuck in there.

-Right. Can I Give these back to you?

-You can give me those back.

That's a good sport, there we go. Give Suzi a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Now, one of the biggest online phenomena is of course

the viral video. Named virals because they can be very contagious

and, for some of them, you may need a handkerchief.

Suzi, this is your favourite clip.

MAN MIMICS RACING CAR ENGINE

Wait, wait, look, look.

Look! Pit stop!

That is class.

That is what the internet is for, isn't it?

That is absolutely brilliant.

Blokes just having a ball on the beach, Formula 1.

I thought it was fantastic.

-Have you been to the beaches in Ireland in the summer?

-No.

My dad always had his holidays at the same time every year

and no matter what the weather was,

we had to get on the beach in our underpants, run around in the rain,

eating sandy sandwiches, with you crying and your mother

just going, "Enjoy yourself, it's the holidays, you selfish bastards."

Your dad wouldn't be there.

He'd be in the pub with the rest of the dads.

Do you know what I mean?

The dad only came down to put the windbreaker up.

Oh, by the way, we need shelter on our holidays.

We'd have to dig in.

Unbelievable.

Now, you can tell a lot about a person by what

they know, but you can tell even more by what they don't

and have to ask the internet.

Suzi, we're going to start with you.

Here's some of the internet searches that you made that caught my eye.

-Oh!

-Things that Suzi has asked the internet.

Chickens - do they have to have a cockerel to lay eggs?

So, this is because we were talking about keeping chickens, cos we live

on the side of a mountain and because we've got some space.

And I said, "I don't want a bloody rooster every morning waking me

"up at five o'clock.

"Do you have to have a rooster if you have chickens?"

And we ended up having this conversation...

-You're from the city, aren't you?

-I know, I a!

Do limes come from a lemon tree?

Because...

-This is great.

-No.

Because we've got lemon trees.

I'm suggesting that this isn't a very successful farm.

Little lemons look like limes and someone said to me,

"No, but first of all, they're limes and then,

"when they grow up, they become lemons."

-And you believed that?

-No, I didn't believe that.

That's why I put that in to ask the internet

and I said that's ridiculous.

What do donkeys eat?

Well, you should know the answer to this.

You Irish paddy.

No, because he had a donkey.

-You did not.

-I did.

-When you were a kid?

-Yeah. I did.

-I had a pet donkey.

-Oh, you are such a blagger.

-Did you really have a donkey?

-A pet donkey.

-I had a pet donkey.

-A pet donkey?

My dad bought us this donkey and he was called Barney

and my granny and granddad, they kept the donkey over in a field

outside Dundrum and we found out that Barney had died.

Then, about ten years later, my granddad died

and we were at the Irish wake, and it gets to about 12 o'clock

and there's only the men left and they said, "Oh, remember the time

"he held your man over the quay and he said, 'Say sorry.'

"Oh, do you remember the time he rode the bike to Mass

"and forgot it and walked home?"

"Remember the time he killed the donkey?"

LAUGHTER

And apparently, what happened was we actually used to tether

the donkey in the field and the donkey would graze and he was

doing this like this and he had the club hammer and Barney was behind

him, and he did this, and the hammer flew off and hit Barney stone cold.

Sparko. Gone.

I didn't say there was a happy ending.

-Oh, my God.

-And we were sitting there,

with my granddad laid out and we were looking at him

and were starting crying, "You bastard, you killed our donkey!"

You can share in MY donkey.

Have you got a donkey?

Well, no, it's not my donkey,

it's just I woke up one day and....

..and outside the front door was a donkey and my husband.

We actually have this.

Here's when the donkey turned up.

-There's the donkey.

-There's the donkey.

-No, look.

-You see? And what's the donkey called?

-Donkey.

LAUGHTER

How long ago was this?

This is a couple of weeks ago.

-So, he is in your garden?

-Yeah.

-Do you have a shed or anything?

-No.

I would let him roam free.

I would suggest not trying to tether that.

So, Suzi, you love donkeys and you also love speed,

-so here is a little treat for you.

-Oooh!

This is one of my all-time favourite online clips that

features both of your loves.

The scene is set now for, er, our Castletown donkey derby.

There's a fine massive crowd here now today at Castletown derby.

They're all out in their colours. They're all pints of beer.

I hope they're bringing the glasses when they're finished.

Seany...

Seany is there, he's sponsoring this.

He's putting up the £40, Seany McGilligan.

Castletown Motors, a very good sponsor.

Oh, my God.

They're off now.

And there's no way that Percy would pass, because...

..Percy had other things on his mind.

-Formula 1 needs him.

-Formula 1 does need him.

"Ah, Jayzus, how are you getting on?

"Here we are at Monaco. Jayzus, it's Lewis! Jayzus, Lewis

"coming up the outside! Jayzus, here's...

"Can you bring the glasses in, lads? Bring the glasses in."

So, Jason,

you also asked the internet a lot of questions.

You're basically a three-year-old, aren't you?

You're just one question after another, making no sense whatsoever.

Is space real?

Where was tarmac invented?

RU taller in the morning?

Are you lighter after a shit?

Biggest anything in the world. Smallest anything in the world.

Oh, and there's more, there's more.

Mother of divine hell!

What is going on in your mind, man?

Man, I can think of those questions every second.

-Sex after 40.

-Yeah, cos I'm 44 now.

I was wondering.

They're tougher, our wives, after 40 and 60 cos,

you know, men tend to have a certain smell off them

when they get older and that's basically their insides rotting.

So it's tough for women when you're breathing on them, huurrrrr,

and she's going, "I can smell your liver."

"Jeez, you're literally dying on top of me."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's take a break from your internet

history now and see where else you crop up online, in a part

of the show that we like to call Things The Internet Says About You.

-Oh, God.

-Oh, Lord.

-Suzi, let's begin with you.

-Some weird and wonderful things up there.

-OK.

-We found this.

-Were you?

-No.

-Oh.

-Where did this come from?

-I don't know.

I've never been a magician's assistant.

-This is all over the internet.

-It's not, is it?

-It really is, yeah.

Did you put this up?

I would have liked to have been a magician's assistant

when I was younger but no, er, no.

-I've never done that. Never.

-Now please tell us that this is true.

-I do know about this.

-Oh, it's true.

Would you not have known his surname when you married him?

I do remember this. I think it was Wikipedia.

It said that I got divorced from Top Gear presenter Steve Berry

because I didn't like being called Suzi Berry-Perry,

which is obviously nonsense.

OK, moving on. Jason, I saw that you've been spending a little

bit of time on this website.

Oh, there he is.

This is jasonbyrne.com

but this is not you, is it?

No. It's like a freaky magician fella.

This is actually Las Vegas magician...

-He's in Las Vegas.

-..Jason Byrne.

-Look at him.

-There he is.

-Oh, my God.

-We've got this one.

-Different colour bird.

-He likes birds.

-And we've got this one.

-Look at it.

Now, Magic Jason Byrne has been in touch with you, hasn't he?

He said, Stop doing magic. People think that you're me, right?"

I do stupid magic, kind of like the way Tommy Cooper used to,

doesn't make any sense at all. And then I have people up going,

"This is the worst magic I've ever seen in my life."

So, Magic Jason Byrne contacted you.

-Did you reply to him?

-No.

-Why not?

Oh, I just... I don't know.

-That's bad form, Suzi, isn't it?

-That's very rude.

-Oh, OK, well...

And on this show we like to put things right,

-so please welcome, all the way from Las Vegas...

-Ah, no way.

..via Skype, it is magician Jason Byrne.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

Ah, dude!

Jason, welcome to the show.

Thank you, good to be here.

Is there anything that you would like to say to

Irish Jason Byrne, who has ignored your messages all of these years?

Well, that's OK. I understand. Busy, busy.

-Working.

-Aw!

-He's so sweet.

He's so nice, I feel shit.

You ARE shit.

Hey, Jase, sorry I didn't contact you...

Do you live in Vegas?

I'm in Vegas, so when you come out here,

you got to look me up here and we gotta connect.

I'll take you out on the town.

Jason, you know Byrne is a very Irish name, that B-Y-R-N-E?

Are your parents Irish?

A quarter Irish, quarter Scottish, half Slovenian.

You see, it's very, very different when you just add a little

quarter of everything. Like, George Clooney is a quarter Irish.

Wayne Rooney, three-quarters Irish.

LAUGHTER

You just add a little bit more Irish to the mix, Jason, I mean,

it can go very badly wrong.

But I can tell you're a handsome man, you're a quarter Irish.

Do we think that there could be a future for you guys as a double act?

Oh, man. Jase, if I could do a magic trick with you... Oh, man.

Well, the thing about your magic tricks, Jason,

is that they're not magic.

But Magic Jason Byrne can actually perform magic, so would it be

possible, Jason, for you to do a trick for us this evening?

I'm ready. I'm prepared to do something here now.

-Would you like an assistant?

-Sure.

I think we could probably use an assistant.

So, Suzi, if you want to pop that on. There we go.

-Finally, a magician's assistant.

-Oh, my God.

I'll also pop on my magician's assistant.

You look like shit snooker players.

-And if you just want to pop that on.

-Oh, no!

All right, we're ready, we're ready to go.

OK. Jason, name any card.

-Six of hearts.

-Six of hearts.

-Yeah.

OK, now, you didn't know this, but before the show started

I made a prediction.

-Ah, no.

-Digging the cards out.

I'll spread them all out for you.

-You'll notice there's one card with its back..

-Shut up!

Ohhh!

Come on! What?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is magic.

Give it up for Magic Jason Byrne.

Thank you.

Hey, I'll stay in touch, Jase. I'll stay in touch.

Well, that's all we've got time for tonight.

Guys, thank you so much. Here are your laptops back.

Well played. Thanks for sharing your internet lives with the nation.

You are now both free to go home

and explain yourselves to your family and friends and your donkeys.

Let's hear it once again for Suzi Perry and Jason Byrne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll be back next time, rooting around the online

bottom drawer of more special guests on Delete Delete Delete.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much. Good night.