Episode 4 Delete, Delete, Delete

Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty, welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

where our guests give me the passwords

to their laptops and invite me

to have a cyber nosy to see what they've been getting up to online.

It's basically Poirot meets PC World,

so let's hope they've nothing to hide.

First up, an award-winning comedian who recently appeared on

Drunk History where he was invited to get completely plastered and then

go on and on about the past, which is a dream job for any Irish man.

Please welcome Andrew Maxwell!

CHEERING

Next up, a star of Man Down and Live At The Apollo.

She is a woman who says her biggest challenge in life

is to convince people she's not entirely mad,

and having seen what's on her laptop, good luck with that.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty!

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello.

And, finally, a celebrated actress of stage and screen

who's done everything from Mount Pleasant to Shakespeare.

According to Wikipedia, she's also spent three years on Loose Women

but, hey, haven't we all?

It's Sally Lindsay!

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello.

-So thank you very much, guys. Welcome to the show.

-This is lovely.

-This is very nice.

-Very nice.

-Now, Roisin, you're of course... It's a very Irish name.

-Yep.

-Accent not so Irish.

-Nope.

I was born in London, my parents are both Irish.

My mum's from Cork and my Dad was from Cavan, so, yeah.

-That's hence the name.

-Mixed marriage.

-Mixed marriage!

-That's a mixed marriage.

So exotic. You move all the way to London

and then you marry an exotic lady from Cavan.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, before we start, can we confirm

that these are your laptop and electronic devices?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

And so the big one belongs to?

Me.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Of course it does. And this is just... Everything's done on this?

Everything's done on that.

It's a bit grubby, I wish you wouldn't show it so much.

I was going to say, where has this been kept?

It's been in my make-up bag a lot of the time.

-Where else do you keep them? Come on.

-Yeah!

My laptop just sits at the bottom of me bag until I'm going away again.

But it's really clean looking.

Well, it's been given a wipe.

It hasn't been given the wipe it requires, Andrew, let me tell you!

Now, we'll start, guys, with your social media.

-You're all on Twitter.

-M-hm.

-Yep.

Now, you've all got thousands of followers.

Roisin, are you on that for work, for pleasure?

I'm on it to work really, promoting when I'm gigging,

or what I'm doing sort of thing, you know?

But I follow lots of people, so, yeah, I enjoy it.

Andrew, you describe yourself on Twitter as a comedian,

-a father and a lover.

-Yes.

-Do you use...?

-Yes!

Do you use the Twitter machine in that order?

Yes, I think so, yes.

I'm mostly a comedian on there.

My eldest child is now a teenager, he's now following me on Twitter.

-Oh, wow!

-Yeah, yeah.

He actually rang me the other day and went, "You misspelt something."

So hard having a teenage son.

He's 15. They get to a point where they stink.

Just as they're on the turn.

As their voice breaks.

Yeah, just then and you go to give them a hug and they just stink.

-They stink! It's gamey, it's gamey.

-Aw!

Like there's a fox in the back yard. Aw!

Sally, you have tweeted almost 12,000 times.

Oh... I know everyone's going, "Do go on, Sally.

-"We're so interested in what you're saying."

-That is prolific.

I've been on it for quite a long time.

It was when we started filming Mount Pleasant about six years ago

and my husband said, "You have no presence at all

"unless what people have made up of you online." So I thought,

"Oh, I'd better do this modern age with these young modern people."

So I went on Twitter and I got a bit obsessed with it, to be honest.

-And do you follow each other?

-Yeah.

-Oh, we definitely will.

-Literally.

Now that I've known she knocks out 12,000 tweets, I'm involved.

I don't so much mind the volume - if somebody tweets a lot, that's

fair enough, some people tweet a lot, some people don't.

The one that gets on my wick is people like... How do you have

this many opinions about everything?

Since you've come on you've given us nothing but opinions

and then you say, "I hate these people!"

-My God!

-Well, you know what I mean.

People who are angry about every possible issue.

You just think if every tweet cost a stamp

you'd have a lot less opinions.

If you're really angry at me for something I've said on stage

get all five local newspapers,

sit down, cut them all out and send me a death threat.

Put the effort in.

You telling me you don't like me in a tweet

and then the next one's, "I had a lovely cake, yum, yum."

How am I supposed to feel?

I feel like you don't really want to kill me.

Now, you all tweet fairly regularly,

but I was really interested to see who tweets you.

Now, Sally, you were contacted by someone who had a particular

interest in something you were wearing.

It says, "Hi, Sally, I'm wondering if you still have

"these leather trousers.

"You look so gorgeous in here."

So this guy wanted to buy them, but you obviously hung onto them.

-Oh, God, I haven't got them now I don't think.

-No?

-No. Have you found them?

-No, we haven't found them, no.

Is it like Surprise Surprise?

So how many episodes did you end up doing in Corrie?

-You were there for?

-I was there for five years in the end.

So I left, yeah, quite a bit ago now.

But, yeah, it was a brilliant time.

I loved it. It was absolutely amazing. Great time.

Andrew, has anyone ever shown any interest in your online outfits?

-What do you mean?

-What about this little ensemble?

Oh, yeah!

He's got them on! He did have them.

From Altitude, our comedy festival out in Austria,

and the town... The town just went,

-AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-"We would like to give you your own lederhosen."

I went, "Fantastic!"

The first time I put them on as a joke, like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

And then, oh!

Wow!

And there's no pants involved, it's just man and leder.

Do you ever leave the T-shirt off?

Sometimes, yeah. Sure, why not?

-Every wife deserves a treat.

-There you go!

It very much looks like it could be from a website alpineswingers.com.

Oh, but I'm telling you, Patrick, Patrick, the comfort!

Oh, it's like being cupped by a chamois hand.

-What's a chamois?

-Chamois leather - you do your windows with it.

Chamois leather, it's what you polish things with.

Now, Roisin, whenever you're on Twitter you're very honest,

which we love, and you like to share stuff like this...

I mean that deserves a round of applause.

-That's brilliant.

-Thank you for sharing.

But, Roisin, this is my favourite tweet from you.

It's true.

Now, the thing is, Adele's ten years younger than me

and she's one of the most beautiful women in the world.

It doesn't... In real life, that wouldn't work.

Even as a bit of stand-up, if I said, "Adele's let herself go."

They'd be like, "Well, it doesn't really work."

Well, let's have a little look. We've got a comparison here and I think...

-You see, I think that's pretty close.

-Oh, hang on!

-No...

-They're both white.

-..not enough.

It happened three times so that was the third time.

So I was walking up... There's a red carpet thing I walked past

and this woman went to her husband, and they were probably

late 50s, she went, "Get a photo!"

And her husband went, "Who is she?"

And then she went, "You missed Adele!"

I think it's because I'm a little bit bigger than the normal

people at premieres, and I'm a bit familiar and they've gone,

"Adele's here! Someone over a size ten's here, it's Adele."

Adele's here!

-I get Steve Cram.

-Oh, yes, I can see that.

-Who's Steve Cram?

-What?!

I feel like I'm in the back of a car and my family hate me.

Steve Cram was an Olympic runner...

-Olympic runner in the '80s.

-Right, right.

Back to my headphones. I hate my life.

Well, look, everybody looks like somebody, so, thankfully though,

to sort it all out we have this app.

This is called Celebalike

and it matches your picture to a celebrity lookalike.

-So we'll start with you, Roisin.

-Do the thing. Do lovely!

"Oh, very nice, nice! Just one more, just one more, Roisin, just over here.

"Lovely. Nice."

Brilliant. Right, here we go.

It's quite tense.

-Kelly Clarkson.

-Fine, I'm up for that.

-Yeah, we'll have that one.

-Kelly Clarkson. Jennifer Lopez.

Yep, absolute ringer.

Credits!

Adele.

CHEERING

It's all true.

-I can see it now.

-OK, here we go.

This is going to be very, very wrong.

I think we all know where this is going.

-Here we go.

-This is hilarious.

Bradley Wiggins.

This is my favourite!

Gregg Wallace.

-Why?

-Yeah!

-You're pouting.

I mean, if you don't get Trump, there's something wrong with that.

Will we go female? Go female. Let's go female.

Let's go female and see who I look like.

-Ellen DeGeneres!

-Oh, that's a good shout.

And that is Celebalike. There we go.

There are lots of great internet searches out there,

Yahoo, AOL, Bing and they're all perfect for finding

the Google website and then asking them a question online.

So here's some of the internet searches that you guys have made.

We'll start with you, Sally.

You've obviously been doing a little bit of work to your house

because recently these were your searches.

Really boring.

"Nice Taps."

"Big tall actor called Dave!"

"Waterproof wallpaper." Then it starts getting weird.

"Big tall actor called Dave."

"Short actress, red hair."

-"Brown-haired woman on BBC."

-Right.

This is basically what I use Google for

because I've been knocking around for years now and you meet people

and you think you've met them before and then you can't remember

their names, and then you get really embarrassed at dos.

So I go off and Google and I go,

"Dark haired bloke, BBC Breakfast," and it comes up.

It's the answer to me dreams.

It sort of feels like you're talking to your mum, doesn't it, really?

You know that, "Who's that big tall actor? Your man, what was..."

That's exactly what I'm like.

-Who was the big tall actor called Dave?

-Yeah.

I can't remember. See, I'll have to Google it again.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

Now, like most of us, you all love a bit of internet shopping.

Oh, yeah.

Let's have a look at what you've been browsing and buying online.

Andrew, I couldn't help but notice that there's

one particular item that keeps coming up in your shopping history.

-Oh, yeah.

-Animal balaclavas.

-Yeah.

-They're amazing.

Yeah, it turns out you don't need

to just have a normal balaclava any more -

you can go a bit fun.

"Look at me, I'm a tiger!"

"I'm a tiger from Tiger Bay."

This is a real site.

There are a lot of different styles of the animal balaclava.

-That's right.

-We have got this one.

Have you got the... Oh, yeah.

Good one.

Oh, who could be scared by a panda turning up at three in the morning?

But you didn't actually buy, you didn't buy any.

No, no, I couldn't decide which one I liked the most.

Don't worry because what we've done is...

No!

Yes!

-Pop that on.

-Isn't that nice?!

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

-There we go.

-They're good.

What do you think?

-I like that.

-I don't like it.

That one is sort of terrifying.

-It is.

-Don't go near any small children.

-No.

Let's see what Celebalike thinks.

There you go.

-Yeah, I'm having that.

-Peter Kay!

So there we go, and you're welcome to that, sir. You can keep that.

Thank you very much.

OK, time now for the viral videos that you've been checking out.

We'll start with you, Sally. It's this one.

# Don't matter what I do

# Don't matter what I do... #

I love this song.

# Don't matter what I do

# Don't matter what I do... #

Ah, look at that cardigan!

# Don't matter what I do

# Cos I end up hurting you. #

This is a very special clip for you, isn't it?

-That's my husband.

-Aww!

..Steve White and he was about 17 there

when he just first joined the Style Council.

I think that was their first track, I don't know.

I've got twin boys now that are five

and so when I want to say, "This is what your daddy looked like

"when he was really, really young," I just go on YouTube.

But what's lovely about this is,

-that he is one of the greatest drummers in the world.

-He is, yeah.

And how did you guys meet?

Well, the clean version is, his tour manager was best friends with

the executive producer of Coronation Street and I got a phone call

and I thought I was getting sacked, but it wasn't, it was because Steve

had said he fancied the blonde bird behind the bar in Coronation Street.

Oh!

And he rang his mate and said, "Guess what?! Steve said this

"last night when he was a bit drunk."

And the next day I was at one of his gigs and he was mortified

-because I just turned up.

-Aww!

-And that was it, yeah.

-That's very cute.

-12 years ago. I know.

Time now for part of the show that we like to call

Things The Internet Says About You.

Yes, we're stepping back from your internet history for just a few

moments to have a look at what else we've discovered about you online.

Sally, we're going to begin with you now we know that your husband

is one of the greatest drummers in the world and he's a pop star,

but so are you.

Ah!

-Did you?

-Yes, I did.

When was this?

So it was 1980 number one and we were Christmas number one

for four weeks with There's No-One Quite Like Grandma

by St Winifred's School Choir.

So let's have a look and see if we can spot Sally.

# Grandma, we love you

# Grandma, we do

# Although you may be far away

# We think of you... #

This is terrible!

# One day when you're older

# We'll look back and say

# There's no-one quite like Grandma

# She has helped us on our way

# Grandma, we love you

# Grandma, we do. #

Aw!

-Did you spot her there, Roisin?

-I think so.

Is she the one with the short hair, that sort of elfie haircut, tilted?

-Yes.

-Oh, yeah.

-That's me.

-Gorgeous.

Very, very cute.

It was basically just a one-hit wonder. There was no...

No-one gave a stuff about Grandad, so there wasn't a follow up.

I think Clive Dunn had already nailed Grandad.

Not nailed Grandad, that's awful.

Good Lord!

It was a strange time, they say, the '80s.

-So, Andrew, we found out this about you.

-All right...

Are you?!

This can't be true, can it?

I may have a couple of animal-style balaclavas.

Well, I don't know whether it's a watchlist or something.

I got, you know, investigated by the FBI.

Does that put you on a watchlist? I mean...

So basically what's happening now is that this is essentially what

every Irish man does under question.

It's just, "Um, might have been, might not have been.

"I mean, you can't prove it, you can't prove it."

This is a couple of years back I made a series for BBC Three

called Conspiracy Road Trip where we take people

who are really into conspiracy theories and would travel

around America and we did one about people who were really into UFOs.

And we went to Area 51.

We get there and then it's an anticlimax.

I'm there with all the people and they really believe

and they're buzzing, like, this is like the Vatican for these people.

There's a guard post with mirrored glass,

a couple of communications... But there's nobody there.

So now we're like, I mean, we've driven like five hours

to get out to this thing and I've told them on the way...

Because there's no way we're going to actually get to meet the aliens.

Yeah? But we could communicate with the aliens

through the universal language of dance.

So we came up with these like geometric dance patters.

Bee-boo-boop. Bee-boop.

-Right? Nobody shows up.

-Oh, no!

We're just, bee-boo-boo-boo-boop. Nothing.

And now this is terrible for the TV show.

I don't believe in aliens but they do,

but either way it's very anti-climactic.

-So I start dancing underneath the barrier.

-Oh!

-Limboing?

-Yeah.

Now I'm in the base, the most secured place in America!

Whoo! Door opens, "Get on the floor!"

Ten massive American soldiers just come out with machines.

"Get on the floor! "Get down now."

Right, instantly one of the girls we're with just wets herself.

The director was French, he surrendered instantly.

Just surrendered.

We spent two hours on the floor, they put us in bin bags,

made us lie on the floor in bin bags.

They confiscated all our equipment,

took it all away -

so now we don't have a TV show.

I put my hand up and go, "Listen, I'm a comedian, we're only joking,

"it's not serious."

One of the other ones stands up and goes, "We know you have the aliens!"

Now Andrew is a bit of a sceptic on stuff

-but you have more of an open mind, Roisin.

-Yes, I do.

-Yes?

-Yep.

And you spend quite a bit of time on this site.

-Yes, I do.

-And why did you start this?

I've just read them since I was about 17 or 18

and I read them quite obsessively.

Is astrology not just made-up advice based on the planets?

-So the planets are real...

-Intellectually, I know it's rubbish.

-Yes.

-But you ask me what I read on the internet

and I will always read an Aries horoscope.

I find it quite a comforting thing to go like,

"Oh, like, what's on the menu?"

-And ever got anything right?

-No!

Of course, horoscopes aren't the only way to tell the future,

the web is filled with people offering

loads of ways to predict the future.

Can you guess what these are?

-Reading wee?

-That is correct.

-Is it?!

-Yes, it is.

It's only because I've got cystitis.

This is fortune-telling based on the interpretation of the bubbles.

-Bubbles in wee?

-Yes.

If you do a fast one.

-Like speed bubbles.

-Yeah, speed bubbles.

What do you mean a fast one?

It comes out fast, you're going to get bubbles.

It's like anything if you pour it fast.

I'm just interested in how do you read it - just sit here and go,

"There you go," while you're pulling your pants up.

What about this one?

It's not your pet's paw is it?

It is. Pawmistry is palmistry, but for your cat.

Apparently it's possible to read your cat's fortune

via the lines and the shape of their feet.

What about this one?

Anybody any idea?

-Is it bringing asparagus back from the dead?

-It is close.

-What?!

-Yes.

Mystic Jemima Packington claims that she can predict the future

just by reading the spears of asparagus.

-Now, Jemima...

-I love it!

-..has been reading asparagus

since she was eight years old, having inherited the gift

from her grandmother, who practised reading tea leaves.

Her method involves tossing the vegetables in the air

and reading how they land.

And she joins us tonight on Skype.

Please welcome Jemima Packington!

-Oh, she's here.

-Hello. Hello.

Hello, Patrick.

-Hi, Jemima.

-Hello.

What is the special quality of asparagus?

I think it's because it is a very earthy vegetable.

It's a very robust vegetable.

Could you do it with other vegetables?

I mean, could I do it with potatoes, or...?

No. No, no, it really wouldn't work.

People have tried it with broccoli or green beans.

There's a special quality in the asparagus?

Absolutely.

And what about the future can you tell from asparagus

apart from your pee is going to stink the next morning?

Well, not everybody's wee-wee does smell.

Some has bubbles in it instead.

If someone had like fake asparagus,

like stage asparagus that they'd use for props,

and you dropped that, would you be able to read those?

-Or is it because it...?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-It has to be real stuff.

Well, the good news is that we actually have some real asparagus

here this evening, so could you do a reading for us this evening, Jemima?

-I would love to.

-OK.

We have our asparagus here, if we want to just bring on the table.

So, Roisin, do you want to go first?

-There you go, you can stay seated that's fine.

-Stay seated?

Yeah, don't worry. So... Thank you very much.

So, Roisin, there you go.

If you'd like to cast it onto the table.

Cast it?

Yes, we don't chuck it, we cast it.

-OK.

-And just gently cast it onto the table.

-Shall I stand up?

-Yes.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

Well, that's a very, very interesting picture, Roisin,

I have to say.

I've so bought into this.

I would say, however, judging by the little bits

and pieces that have fallen off,

you may have a wee problem

on your next night out -

reference supping wine wisely but not well.

So, Andrew, obviously you're slightly more sceptical,

-if you want to...

-Shall we clear the bits off?

Oh, yes, clear the bits, yeah, good idea. Good idea, yeah.

-We wouldn't want her to get the reading wrong.

-Come on.

-This is very unusual.

-This is brilliant!

This is like a Ouija board at a farmers' market.

HE CHANTS

-Oh, what about that?

-Don't know if she'd like that.

Well, my goodness me, I see there, Andrew,

lots more additions to the family.

That is actually uncanny because we are actually trying for another one.

-Aww!

-Are you?

-No.

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You have gone from a man that doesn't believe in UFOs,

who happily lets a woman with asparagus

tell you you're having more kids.

Listen, I'm telling you asparagus exists.

It does.

They're a very earthy vegetable! Open your mind!

Jemima, thank you so, so much!

-A big thank you to Jemima Packington.

-Bye-bye!

OK, before the show we asked our lovely audience to share

some of the weird stuff that they've been looking at online

and, before we hand it over to the police,

we're going to share it with you, too. Where is Andy Daragh?

Where is Andy? Welcome, Andy, to the show.

So, Andy, what have you been looking at that you'd like to share?

There's a thing on Instagram,

it's basically a girl who face plants bread.

A girl who face plants bread?

-Yeah.

-We have a clip of this.

I mean, it looks great.

When did you get into this, Andy?

One of my friends sent it to me and I just thought it was a quite funny.

She does all different types of bread as well,

it's not just that one.

That's easy, anybody can do that.

It's one of those, you know, nutty loafs -

that's the challenge.

Thank you! Give it up one more time for Andy Daragh.

And that is all we've got time for, folks.

-Thank you so much, there's your laptops back.

-Oh, thank you.

I'm pleased to say you've all been released without charge

and so a big thank you to all my guests -

to Sally Lindsay, Roisin Conaty and Andrew Maxwell.

APPLAUSE

I'll be back next time with another cyber peek

at your favourites' favourites on Delete Delete Delete.