Episode 6 Delete, Delete, Delete

Hello, I'm Patrick Kielty. Welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete,

the show where guests invite me into their online world, to see

what they get up to in the privacy of their own laptops.

So, who has agreed to air their digital dirty laundry tonight?

First up, a woman who, on The Great British Bake Off

not only won the title of Star Baker, but also the nation's hearts.

We've all seen how perfect her cakes are,

but will she be let down tonight by her cookies?

Please welcome Nadiya Hussain.

-Welcome.

-Thank you.

And, joining Nadiya, one of my all-time favourite comedians.

A star of stage and screen,

not only is he regarded as a comedy legend, but 20 years after

Father Ted, he still remains the most trustworthy priest in Ireland.

Would you please welcome Ardal O'Hanlon!

-Guys, welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Thanks for having us.

-It's, it's the dream team.

-Yeah.

So look, before we go any further, Nadiya, this is your phone.

-Ardal, this is your laptop.

-Mm-hm.

-You packed them yourselves(?)

OK. Nadiya, now, you've a young family, you're baking all the time.

Have you any time to go online?

Absolutely. Always.

Like, every gap is just online.

What sort of stuff are you doing online? Is it research for Bake Off,

or is it recipes or is it just random stuff? What are you...?

It's usually recipes, and then sometimes it'll be random things

like "How tall is Ricky Wilson?" or stuff like that.

-How tall IS Ricky Wilson?

-I always have to find out the height of guys

cos my husband has this thing about height. So, if we meet...

-I've got to look up "WHO is Ricky Wilson?"

-Oh, OK.

My husband has this height issue, and when I meet someone I say,

"He's so much taller than you." He's like, "No he's not, check how

"tall he is." So I'll Google everybody's height.

OK, so how tall is Ardal O'Hanlon?

-I haven't checked yet.

-Yeah?

How tall are you, Ardal? Do you know?

Yeah, I do know, I looked it up. I am...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, something I saw you both like is a little bit of online shopping,

on sites like these.

Now, Ardal, you've been buying dolls on the internet?

-Well, my...

-Of yourself?

No, now, let's put that in context.

My wife does a lot of shopping on the internet, and I was

in a show called Doctor Who, and I played this cat character.

What is this Doctor Who of which you speak?

Yes, it's pre-internet. And the cat was called Brannigan the cat.

And there was a model produced of the cat, even though I was only

in it for ten minutes. And my wife wanted an example of this model.

She couldn't find it anywhere, so she found it on the internet.

-There it is.

-Brannigan the cat, yeah.

-£2.95.

-All of £2.95.

Buy it now.

We also have a little snap of you as Brannigan the cat.

There you are with David Tennant.

Haven't changed a day.

-Jeez, you're looking awful like yourself.

-Yeah.

Nadiya, you don't buy much online

-but do actually quite like checking out online reviews.

-I do.

For what, what type of stuff?

So it's like hair removal cream.

-LAUGHTER

-That. Yeah.

Reviews for hair removal cream?

..That men have used in the wrong places.

They're so funny!

Oh, my God, I know I shouldn't laugh because these poor men have

literally just burnt their balls and they write these furious reviews,

like, really angry. You can tell they've literally just...

Like, their pants on the floor and they've said,

"Right, I'm going to get my laptop

"cos I'm so furious!"

And they are just so funny.

We do actually have a few of the reviews that you've checked out.

So funny.

Starting gently... "Does the job."

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Five stars.

Then we move on to...

Three stars.

-It gets three stars!

-It still gets three stars.

-Managed to do the job, obviously.

-Not entirely unhappy with the product.

-It did.

Then we have this one.

LAUGHTER

Again, how can you leave them looking like Dresden

and still give one star?!

Can I ask a question? Paddy, you might be able to answer this.

Like, this is a thing I did not know about.

Why are men getting rid of the hair on their balls?

Like, what's... How hairy are these balls? Like, is this a thing?

It's called man-scaping.

I didn't know about it.

-Yeah, it exists. So...

-Is it worth a go? I mean...

I love the fact that you're looking at ME, Ardal, as if I know the answer to this.

You look very man-scaped, perhaps, that's why.

-Do you think I am?

-Maybe.

No, but you're...quite clean cut.

-He looks tidy.

-No, like, I keep the pitch in playable order.

-LAUGHTER

-Right...

You know, I'm not lining it out and putting the corner flags on it, I mean...

You don't have a groundsman.

I don't... LAUGHTER

Yes, I do.

You see, I think this is a big thing about the internet, the fact that

you can go online, you can look at these kind of sites and you can look

at reviews for these kind of products, and that puts ideas in

people's heads. Most people, like me, I would say, wouldn't even

know about that. And now they know about it, and now they're curious,

and now half this audience are going to go home tonight...

They're going to go home and check the reviews out.

OK, just by a show of hands then...

men who man-scape?

-Anybody?

-They're not going to tell you.

Anybody man-scape here?

People are sitting here going "Paddy, it's Belfast, we barely wash them."

You, sir, you... Do you like a bit of man-scaping?

LAUGHTER

-Sounds like a yes.

-I think he's doing it right now.

I think he is.

It's tricky knowing who to trust online.

Take this guy for example. This is Tim Rowett from Grand Illusions,

who hosts a YouTube toy review channel.

Here he is trying out a selection of toy guns, but something tells me

he's not entirely sure what he's got his hands on here.

Gun toys are very popular with all ages, from nine to 99,

but in the 1980s I discovered four particularly clever novelty toys -

three here from Japan and one from America, which really

caught my eye and I felt I had to have in my collection.

This is Vic's Novelties from 1984, this one,

but it's made of rubber, it's a gun, it's battery operated.

What happens when you turn on the battery? This extraordinary action.

GUN VIBRATES

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my. Look at that barrel. And if I point it at the

camera and then do it the other way - it'll go both ways - it does this

weird action as if you're drunk or something like that.

What a wonderful idea for a gun. Quite mad, but great fun.

"It's a stick up."

That is a genuine review.

-I'm almost... I'm lost for words.

-Yeah.

-You're going to have to explain to us, we're both very innocent.

-Yeah, we don't know what that was about.

I... I don't know. I've...

I think it's a cake mixer.

-A mixer?

-It's a cake mixer.

-It's a mixer, that just go... Yeah, that's what it is.

-Yeah.

Stop doing that though.

It stimulates the cake.

You need to stop doing that as well, yeah.

And, Nadiya, with three kids

there is no surprise

-that one of the sites that you go on is Netmums.

-Netmums.

This is it, this is Netmums.

Netmums, yeah, that's it.

And we also have Mumsnet.

Yeah. I went to Netmums, I've been on there. I was 21, just had my son,

went on there looking for advice, something to do with breast-feeding,

and the information that I got back I thought "Oh, my goodness, I feel

"awful. I just... I don't feel good about myself any more, I'm a bad parent..."

Am I allowed to go on these sites? Cos I'm a new dad. Or is it

mums only or... Like, how does it work?

Well, pretend to be a lady...

That's bad advice.

I wish they had sites like Mumsnets when I was a young dad.

My kids are a bit more grown up now, 18, 16 and 13.

But we didn't have that. Cos I was absolutely terrified, I don't know about you.

Things like winding a baby - I genuinely thought you had to "wind" the baby.

-And...

-LAUGHTER

You know, you're thinking "How do you "wind" the baby?" Were you given a key...?

-Are your kids all right?

-They're fine now.

-They're fine now?

They're fine, they've unwound. But...

I actually went on Mumsnet the other day, and there's some,

I would say, interesting threads up there, Nadiya.

Let's have a look at this one.

I remember a few memorable poos in inappropriate places.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Well, these are real.

-Yeah, the struggle's real.

I remember approaching nappies like, just, five or six weeks old,

and nothing prepares you really when you open it.

Like, it's bigger than the baby,

and you think, like, how is that even possible?

Is there not a law of physics that says that that's impossible?

And then sometimes, I don't know, have you noticed this...?

-You open the nappy and it's all the way up the back...

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-That's good, yeah.

-The first time that happened...

-I've had my first one of those.

-Have you?

..I genuinely thought, "It comes out her ears as well."

OK, another post on Mumsnet.

Clearly I'm doing something wrong, cos I don't remember any pirate noises ever.

I remember pirate COSTUMES all right...

-What, like Captain...

-And a parrot...

And a parrot...! "Who's a naughty boy?"

You do have the beard. I mean, that could possibly work for you.

Aaarr. Aye.

So moving on, let's have a little look at your social media profiles.

Ardal, you can be described as a weak tweeter, which means you were on Twitter...

for a week.

Just one week. Now, what happened?

I totally got it, I totally liked it,

I thought it's amazing... but it's too time consuming,

and it's the abuse kind of thing again.

GRUMBLING NOISES

"You're not funny, and, by the way, your dinner's in the oven."

I've my own live-in troll, so I don't need to add to that legion.

I was on Facebook for, I would say, an hour. Then you start getting

loads of friend requests and things and...

That's the whole point.

-Yeah, but...

-"Wouldn't want to be doing with any friends..."

No, I don't want to be friends with EVERYBODY.

-Yeah.

-Ah.

-And I don't want to offend the people who I don't want to be friends with.

-You're too polite for social media.

-Exactly.

You don't like to write on anybody's wall, or poke anybody...

-No.

-No, I like to abuse them verbally, to their face.

Now, Nadiya, you're very big on Twitter, you're very busy.

-Yeah.

-This is your Twitter profile.

There it is, lots of followers.

Who is your favourite person on Twitter that you follow, then?

This is going to sound so cheesy, but I really like following my husband,

-and that's really dumb because I live with him.

-That's not dumb. That's cute.

So in the house, would you communicate with him by Twitter?

It's really silly, we have done.

Myself and my wife, we communicate by text in the house sometimes,

just out of laziness and stuff.

And she spends a lot of time

in the evening just texting, you know, before she goes to sleep,

and I always think that's an important time for couples, just...

No, I mean just to catch up on the day!

And so you end up texting her "Would you ever move over? You've got the whole duvet."

And then I get a text back, "Who is this?"

Now, there is another man that you follow on the Twitter machine.

Please tell me you are not a Belieber?

Yeah, I do... I'm not ashamed.

I... Well, I was actually, I lie.

I...I heard a song of his and then I was like, "Do you know what, "I actually really like this song."

So I followed him, but he doesn't know

who I am and I'm sure he doesn't care, so...

Ardal, are you a fan of the Belieber?

No. No...

I genuinely...hate him.

-You just hate him?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

He just hates him.

Now, no matter how nice you are, you're always going to get,

you know, some negative stuff on Twitter.

Have you had much of that since...?

Yeah. I think, you know, with social media and Twitter

and things like that, 95% of the time it's great,

and people are really positive, but there is that other...

(..the dark side.)

-Mm.

-Yeah, there's that side, and there are negative comments.

I wrote an article for my column, and I'd made a cake with

Earl Grey tea, and somebody felt the need to say "What do you know

"about tea, you're not even British, you should be deported."

And you said, "Yes, deport me back to Luton."

-Yeah. Just send me back to Luton.

-You're probably the only person in

Britain that could be deported by bus. I mean...

My husband always says, "You know what, I'm going to have a pseudonym

"account and I'm going to... All these trolls, I'm going to find them and

"I'm going to have a go at them."

I said, "Do you know what, actually it's easier just to ignore them cos

"sometimes you give into it and it just comes back." So my way of

looking at it is just ignore this, cos most of the time it's positive

so who cares? So I just don't... I don't let it bother me.

APPLAUSE

So actually I did, I found one tweet that at first I thought

was a troll, but then reading it a little bit more

I think it's just a badly-worded phrase.

It sounds like a really good night out where things get out of control.

-Well, you're in the right town for that.

-Yeah...!

That's obviously... that's obviously positive.

It's... For me, it's kind of typical of Twitter.

You can be very easily misunderstood,

or your tweet can be misconstrued.

I know.

Now, the one thing that your Twitter feed is always guaranteed

to get a reaction for is your husband.

Your husband gets a lot of online love, doesn't he? There he is.

-Average.

-LAUGHTER

-He's hot.

-Yeah, he did get... I mean, I'm kind of annoyed because

I win the Bake Off - no, I said "A WOMAN wins the Bake Off, and

"he gets all the attention." So I was like, "Well, we need to get you

"off Twitter, cos this is kind of annoying."

I think he enjoys it though. Yeah.

Well, we do, we actually have a few of the messages

that went out there after the Bake Off...

We've also got this one...

But you seem to have found the perfect solution to Abdul's female following -

-his wedding ring?

-Yes.

We have this...

I did. He won't wear a wedding ring, ever. Like, he never

would wear one. And I said, "I think we need to get you a wedding ring."

I didn't do it to mark my territory or anything...

I did a little bit, actually.

I was starting to get a little bit worried cos he was just kind

of like, "Ooh, look at these ladies who really love me." And I was like

"You know, let's just put a ring on that. Let's just deal with it."

I think this is a very, very cunning plan, isn't it?

You know, step one, put the wedding ring on him - step two, feed him with cake so he can't

-get the wedding ring off.

-Off. That's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

Now, Nadiya, when you were on Bake Off you had your own hashtag, which was this.

-Yes.

-This was absolutely brilliant.

This was all of the facial expressions that you pulled whenever you were on Bake Off.

We've got a selection of them here. There you are.

-Oh!

-Like a one-woman emoji.

Yeah. I didn't know it did that - like, when I

watched it back I was like, "Dad, my face does that?"

And he was like, "Yeah." And I'm going "You could have told me before I went on national television."

Like, I can't believe it does that - it's doing it now, isn't it?

No... We think this is very, very cute.

Now, Ardal, you're no stranger to pulling faces yourself...

So it's very, very hard to choose

a winner between you two guys,

so what we need is a Great British Face Off to decide. So, let's see

your best facial expressions for the following scenarios.

It's the final of the Bake Off,

and your cake has just collapsed.

You've just won backstage passes to Justin Bieber.

One to finish. Your partner starts making parrot noises during sex.

Oh!

And I think just by a hair's breadth, the winner is Nadiya!

Waaay!

-It was very close. It was very close.

-I couldn't compete with that.

OK, we've seen some of the places that you've been online, now

it's time to have a look at some of the questions that you've been asking the internet.

Nadiya, starting with you.

-So, I did the cake for the NTAs this year.

-This is the National

-Television Awards?

-National Television Awards, and I presented

-an award on there...

-There's Dermot with the cake, yeah.

God, that cake was so hard to make. Just nightmares.

Why was it tricky to make?

Because it's three foot tall.

But Dermot's only four foot six. I mean...

But I was... Because I'd never been to anything so enormous,

and I just was so scared.

Then I went on YouTube, and I scared myself even more...

Because it's at the 02.

Exactly, so I needed to know how many people attend

so I can scare myself some more.

How weird is it, you know, being a home baker and then you get your

cakes judged, and then suddenly one day you walk out your door, millions

and millions of people know who you are, you're going to these big

award ceremonies - do you embrace that, or is it an easy adjustment?

It's changed life completely. Like, I don't... I mean, I spend a lot more

time online doing my shopping now, because sometimes going out and

getting a pint of milk is a lot harder. And I welcome it because I

enjoy it and, you know, I've just been thrust into this world that I

knew nothing about and suddenly, you know, it's nice. I enjoy it, so...

OK, we're going to take a quick break from what you've been up to

on the web, and move on to the part of the show that we call...

Ardal, let's begin with you.

You don't look at yourself much online, we've established that.

Never, never, never.

Our first little titbit is this.

Have you stalked your own stalker?

Not yet, not yet. I may do. I may do someday.

I don't know if you've found this, but when you're in the public

eye at all, you will get the odd menacing letter.

-Mm.

-I suppose it's like trolling.

And I remember many, many years ago -

I think I was doing Father Ted, living in London - and I remember

getting this letter. And it was along the lines of "Oh, you've gone

"over to England and you've taken the Queen's shilling, and who do you

"think you are, you're a disgrace to the country and if I ever see you

-"I'll kill you." All this kind of stuff.

-Oh, God.

So, I looked at the postmark on it, and I showed it to someone and they

said, "Oh, I think that's in this little place in the west of Ireland

"somewhere and it's a very small little community." And I said "Oh,

"I've a friend who goes on holidays there." So I rang up my friend and

said, "Is this the postmark of the place you go on holidays?"

And he said, "It is."

And I said, "Who would have a typewriter in that town?" And he said...

LAUGHTER

And he said, "The only person that could be is this old ranter and raver."

I think he was a retired schoolteacher, in the local pub

every night, who was always giving out about everybody on the telly.

So that's Ireland for you, you're able to track down the people who...

-Want to kill you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So being a stalker in Ireland is a rubbish occupation.

Nadiya, now it is your turn. This is a lovely one.

-Ah, that's sweet.

-That's lovely, isn't it?

Cos you've inspired a lot of art since the Bake Off.

There has been a lot of art.

There has. Let's have a look at some. We've got this one.

Oh, I haven't seen that. I mean, I look really slim in that one so

-that's quite...

-That's quite cute, isn't it?

-That's a good one.

They took off ten pounds, that's good.

-This one...

-Oh! Wow.

What happened to the eye there, the left eye?

And we've got this one...

-Yes.

-This is an actual cake.

-That's a cake, the whole thing is a cake.

-That's good.

-Wow.

I remember that tweet. Somebody sent it and said they'd never had

so much fun layering fondant,

because she'd done the scarf by layering fondant.

I just... I love that, that is... What a clever lady.

I think that is. That's really impressive, it really is.

-That's really impressive, that is.

-That deserves a round of applause.

It is pretty technical what's going on there,

and not everyone can do it,

which is why the site cakewrecks.com

perfectly illustrates what happens when things go wrong.

Now, we've got a few examples here. Real cakes.

We've also got this one...

Oh, my goodness.

I love that, somebody's done that

and really proudly kind of presented that and said... And didn't...

"Wh...What would you like? Yeah, in purple, yes, yes..."

"Yeah, and I'll do the purple in big bold kind of letters at the bottom."

So as you can see, not just any idiot can decorate a cake,

but two of them are going to give it a try now.

Yes, we have Nadiya here.

Ardal, would you like to slip on your apron?

I'm going to slip on my apron,

and Ardal and I are going to decorate

each other's faces on a cake.

APPLAUSE

OK. Here we go.

-So Ardal, you're actually going to be putting my face on the cake.

-OK.

-I'm going to be putting your face on my cake.

-OK.

-OK?

-I think that looks pretty much like you.

LAUGHTER

So we're up against the clock here and...

I'll Ready, Steady, Bake you in, yeah?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Ready...

-Yes.

..steady, bake.

HOOTER SOUNDS

-Got to get a bit of Ardal's beard in, I think.

-Ooh!

I think we've got the hair.

OK, we've got a little bit of that.

-Little bit of dandruff.

-Oh...

Oh, Jeez, there's Ardal with the big beard.

There's the moustache coming over there.

I think this is the wrong shape for your face, Paddy.

There we go...

Wow, what's that?

That is erm...Paddy's brain.

-What colour are your eyes, Ardal, what colour are your eyes?

-Blue.

Blue, blue. Hang on...

There we go.

What about teeth for him? I need some teeth. Hang on.

Ah... "How you getting on, Ted?"

There we go.

There we go. Oh, there's a tooth missing at the front.

-You know that less is more?

-No, I know.

-You don't have to use...

-I'm going to roll it.

-OK...

LAUGHTER

Little bit of grey.

Mother of...

-What in the name of God is that?

-I wouldn't look that way.

-Is that going to work?

-I forgot the ears. Oh, no!

Five seconds, five seconds.

HOOTER SOUNDS

Little bit of blond in the hair.

Put it down! Back, back, back. Done, done.

I don't think it's any contest.

Is Ardal... LAUGHTER

Has Ardal covered up his creation, or is that...?

-That is THE creation.

-That is the creation?

-The creation.

If you'd like to just turn your creation round and you can actually...

-Is there a right way round?

-There is, yes.

-Is there?

-It's pretty clear.

You obviously see something I don't.

What do we think of that, Nadiya?

Good Lord, for once I am speechless.

I think it's an abstract piece

-more than anything.

-Artistic.

I think it captures the real Patrick.

Anyone who knows Paddy well will know that is...

I'm entering the Bake Off next year.

That...That's...

CHEERING

I mean, to be fair...

Oh, Ardal. Oh, you're too...

Oh...

Oh, Ardal, oh, no!

Oh, no, Ardal!

So, we need a winner, we need a winner, Nadiya...

SHE SIGHS

The suspense is killing us.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's...

This one captured...so much more than just your face. I...

I feel...

I feel like you captured the real Paddy. So it'll have to be you.

-And so...

-Hey! Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Great effort though.

And so - I can't believe I'm saying these words -

the winner...is Ardal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on...

Now, Nadiya and Ardal, you're not the only ones who like to visit

the weird and wonderful internet - before the show this evening

I asked our audience to share with me some of their favourite sites,

and you won't be surprised to discover that not all of them were suitable for television, but...

Where is Sam and Emma?

Do we have Sam and Emma?

There we are, give them a round of applause.

-Hi, guys.

-Hiya.

Welcome to the show. BOTH: Thank you.

Now, what have you been looking at online that you would like to share with the group?

Humping turtles.

-Humping turtles?

-Turtles.

-OK, let's have a look.

They're only CALLED Crocs. They're not real crocodiles.

Why do you love that clip so much?

Well, we're getting married in a couple of months and we were looking

for some tips, inspiration for the wedding night...

Is it that you don't know what to do?

LAUGHTER

More questions than answers, I think.

-So it's basically educational for you, is that it?

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, there's always that... There's always the toy gun.

There IS the... LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

Thank you so much, Sam and Emma!

Well, that's all we have got time for tonight.

Nadiya and Ardal, here's your laptop and your phone back.

Thank you so much. Give them a round of applause.

Nadiya Hussain and Ardal O'Hanlon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next time, when we'll be rewriting the internet histories

of more brave guests on Delete, Delete, Delete.

Goodnight.