Episode 5 Delete, Delete, Delete

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Easy now. Hello, and welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

the show where my guests allow me to hack their computers,

download the juicy stuff and then share it for your entertainment.

Yes, folks, it's exactly like WikiLeaks,

except I don't have to blow up my bed or my girlfriend every night

in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

LAUGHTER

We have three fantastic guests for you tonight. Shall we get them out?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Yes!

First up, a man who has a lot in common with me.

He became a star in his early 20s

and his career has been going downhill ever since,

mainly because we both love the big weekend on the piste.

Please welcome British Winter Olympian turned

Ski Sunday legend, Graham Bell.

My life is on here.

Next up, a comedian whose mum is an author,

her dad is a playwright and her brother is an artist.

So, if she's looking for a highbrow, intellectual conversation,

I am just the man...

to direct her to a different studio.

But we are delighted she's here.

Please welcome the fabulous Francesca Martinez.

Thank you.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hey!

-How you doing?

-I'm good, how are you?

-Oh!

-Come this way.

Lovely.

Like a relay run.

Thank you.

And finally, a woman who spent years sharing the GMTV sofa

with none other than Eamonn Holmes,

so if anyone can pretend to be enjoying herself whilst an Irish man

talks out of his arse... LAUGHTER

..it's the lovely Fiona Phillips.

-Hey, gorgeous. You well?

-Good. Good to see you.

Ah! Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Good to be here.

Of course, Fiona, you will fit in very well here in Belfast,

because, online, one of the first things we found out,

you've quite an Irish nickname as a child.

Oh, Mrs Guinness. How do you know that?

We know everything.

Well, my grandad owned a pub, fortunately,

and we used to go in there just as a family

and it was back in the '60s, so the locals were in the front bar,

it was lino on the floor,

Guinness on tap and my mum just used the pour me half pints of Guinness.

-I was three.

-LAUGHTER

-Wow.

-I have to say, Fiona, even in Ireland that is getting hats off.

There's alcoholics in the front row that are going...

"Strong game. That's a very strong game."

I love Belfast and Ireland because everyone's a bit wobbly here.

LAUGHTER

Now, of course, Graham,

we're not huge on winter sport here in Belfast,

although we are a fan of a ski mask even in the summer.

That's what I've heard. I've actually skied in Belfast.

-I used to come over when I was a kid.

-What?

I used to come over on the boat from Scotland,

cos I grew up in Edinburgh, and we had this international race

and we skied at the dry slope in Craigavon.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Yes.

I'm actually glad you said the dry slope.

I actually thought that this was kind of a bit of snow on Cave Hill

and the bobsleigh was just joyriders on an upturned bonnet.

Now, Francesca, the first thing that caught our eye on your computer,

I hope you don't mind, but we had a little look at your e-mails.

-OK.

-And there is a work e-mail here.

-Yeah.

Because you have done a lot of acting - Grange Hill,

Extras with Ricky Gervais.

Would you say you're fussy when it comes to the roles that you accept?

Well, I think being a comedian makes you a bit fussy cos we write all

our own stuff, so I think when we get offered parts,

we can be quite critical.

So, maybe I am a little bit fussy.

Well.

Well, um, yeah, the e-mail's going to shed more light on that.

Yes, I think it is.

The role is Claire, that you turned down.

The role of Claire, a girl in a coma.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Your e-mail, Francesca, is...how can I put it, polite but firm.

She continues.

So, who got the role? Was it the shoe or the carrot?

Well, my first issue with it was

offering a wobbly girl the part of a girl who can't move.

Problematic.

-Yes.

-And also I just thought why not cast an object instead.

OK, Fiona, you're very chilled out.

-Am I?

-I think you are.

We've worked together a few times and nothing really fazes you.

Maybe, I do put my foot in it a lot, verbally.

-Quite often.

-In what way?

Just I say... As my husband's advice to me before coming here was -

think before you open your mouth.

We think we found the secret to your relaxed persona.

You've been checking out these online.

What do you want to say about these, Fiona?

I have got brothers, I've got sons,

I'm constantly surrounded by testicles.

And all the things that go with it -

man-sized tissues up in the bedrooms.

-LAUGHTER

-I've got teenage boys.

So, hang on, when you're the mum and you've got teenage boys,

do you leave the tissues there.

Yes, in case they get a cold.

That didn't happen when I was growing up in Dundrum.

You could barely get the door locked in the bathroom to get a sneaky peek

at the Kays catalogue. LAUGHTER

Now, did you actually buy these?

No, I didn't buy them, I just thought that they were amusing.

Well, you don't need to buy them because we've actually...

..bought some for you. There you go.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, gosh, it's got a thing inside them.

No, they actually have little rubber...

Now, I had a mate who just had a ball taken out

because he had testicular cancer, but they put an implant in.

So, they replaced it with a kind of fake ball

and I was saying he should get one that lights up.

You know like those toys?

You hit it and it will kind of flash.

LAUGHTER

How do they feel?

-They feel like...

-They feel like a young person's.

-And slightly round.

-They're not as flaccid as what I've been used to.

So, you're used to the lower hanging fruit, is that it?

I don't think your husband's...

I wasn't talking about my husband, it's before my husband.

-They're quite disturbing.

-They really are.

-They are quite disturbing.

-Yeah! I don't...

They're actually not relaxing at all, are they? They're...

Well, you say that because we've actually...

If you notice we have three of these, we did actually have four.

But I had mine in rehearsals

-and I was just trying to de-stress.

-Yeah.

Did you break the testicle?

Have a look at this.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I should try not to ruin the set.

Slightly more realistic than we first thought!

Fiona, now you're also quite a fan of sites like this.

-Alternative health.

-Yes.

I haven't had a GP since I was a child until very recently.

-You've just got Guinness.

-Yeah!

Just cos Guinness, obviously, did the trick!

Guinness is good for you.

It's better than having antibiotics.

-It is, unless you've got a killer infection.

-Yeah.

And also, I'm older than you are

and there are things that happen to women around that age.

-Yes.

-Yeah. It's not very nice.

I love that this has turned into

a very Les Dawson-type chat now, hasn't it?

You're essentially talking about the menopause, is that right?

I am, I am! Yeah.

I could put a little garden fence here and say...

HE MUMBLES AND MOUTHS SILENTLY

Do you guys self-diagnose?

No, because you Google something like a sore ear

and then you think you've got one hour to live.

It's too scary, isn't it?

Like, you can scare yourself so much.

I think you can. I mean...

-Yeah.

-Maybe not for illnesses, but for injuries.

If I've got an injury, then I'm like,

"Oh, how long is that going to take to heal?

"I've broken my ribs. Do I need to go and see a doctor?

"No, I probably don't." I mean, I did hear once,

a doctor just keeps the patients amused while they heal themselves.

That's the job of the doctor.

Sounds like a really shit doctor.

We've also had a little look online

and we found some other alternative therapies.

Now, as our resident expert, Fiona,

you should be able to tell us what is real and what is fake.

What do we think? Beer spa.

Yeah. They are using red wine in beauty salons now,

for skin treatments and stuff, so I reckon the beer spa could be real.

-What do you think, Francesca?

-What do you mean?

Do you mean you bathe in beer or do you mean you just drink beer?

Cos that's just a pub.

It does look like a pub.

In Belfast, we normally throw it around ourselves.

At a certain time of the evening.

What do we think, Graham?

Bathing in beer, I think it's real, I'm going to go real.

-OK.

-Fake.

-Fake?

-Yeah.

-Francesca says fake.

Beer spa therapy is real.

Yeah, 'course it is.

-There it is.

-Really?

What a weekend that is with the missus(!)

Next one, Fiona, what do we think of this?

Mmm.

Are you massaging the snake

or is the snake massaging you?

That is the question!

-Let me think.

-Maybe if it was doing its stuff all over your back in a

thrusting, hard, pummelling way, it might work.

If you put a snake on my back, I would not be relaxed.

We don't have any snakes in Ireland cos...

LAUGHTER

Whenever I was a kid I was told,

"What did St Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving

"them out of Ireland?

"Would you put your belts on there in the back?"

-What do we think? You think this is real or what?

-Yeah.

-I think it's real.

-Yeah?

-No.

I'm going with real.

This is...

real.

-Oh, look at that.

-It originated in Bali.

During the therapy, a number of snakes get on your back,

of varying lengths and sizes.

Non-venomous snakes are used to treat deep-tissue pains.

Smaller snakes are used for light massaging of more tender areas.

-Mmm.

-GRAHAM SCOFFS

Finally, this one.

Urine therapy. Have you heard of this?

It's really antiseptic, urine, apparently.

It is an antiseptic when it first comes out, it's antiseptic.

-It heals things.

-Is that why people pee on each other for jellyfish

stings?

Or maybe your mates just hate you.

Is this where you drink it?

It looks like a potent brew, that one as well, doesn't it?

-That is pretty potent.

-That's horrible urine!

That one looks like a Sunday morning

after 12 pints of Guinness.

So, here's one I prepared earlier.

-Is that really apple juice?

-No!

-Go on, pass it here.

-Are you sure?

-There you go.

-Taste some.

-I'm not going to taste it.

-Taste it!

-OK. There you go.

-No.

-It is a nice? No.

-What do you think?

You're more than welcome to have a sip of my pee!

-What do you reckon?

-Go on! Go on, Mr apple juice!

Have a sip!

Go on, Mr apple juice, let's have you!

-I think that's real.

-Oh, my God, really?

It's got no scent whatsoever.

-I know, aren't I fabulous?!

-Aren't you clean!

That's amazing.

-Go on, I'll have it, I'll have a taste.

-Oh, no!

Shall I have a taste? Yes?

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-I'm going to do it as well now.

-Oh, my...

And that is the moment that Graham Bell realised

that that is not apple juice.

You are a very healthy man, because that tasted very good.

It didn't taste bad.

Well, look, I'll send you a bottle for Christmas.

You could sell it on the internet.

Time now to have a little look at some of the viral videos

that you've been checking out online.

Graham, first up, this is yours.

It's a belter.

-ON VIDEO:

-'This evening, what I'm going to do is I'm going to...

'See this lamppost here? I'm going to try and jump over it.

'Whoa!

'You OK? Do you know where you are?

'I just can't breathe that well.'

The lights are on, but no-one is home.

-What is this?

-See, that is a mate of mine, a snowboarder.

And he does viral videos and that one, the lamp hugger,

actually went quite big.

What's the difference between a skier and a snowboarder?

Because it seems to me that they're not fair bedfellows, are they?

Well, no, they used to be. There used to be a kind of culture clash there.

They had to kind of hate each other.

But they don't any more. And I snowboard.

I get on well with Ed Leigh, who I co-present Ski Sunday with,

and also, skiers are kind of doing the things that snowboarders used

to do as well. So, they are equally as mad.

How much of your own piss do you need to drink

before attempting that?

Francesca, this is one of your clips that you have watched quite a bit.

-ON VIDEO:

-'I need to get my car out.

-'Caravan comes off...

-How did that even happen?

'It'll come under fall pipe, go on.

'Are you ready, then?

'Go on, give it some.'

I love the mates are just standing there

and you can hear them laughing.

They are so feckless.

So this is someone trying to go on holiday, is it?

I don't know...

Well, I didn't need that information to enjoy the clip.

-It came apart really easily, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-It didn't take much

-to pull the bottom out.

-That's why you should never sit in a caravan

when it's being towed on the motorway. Or anywhere.

-Cos they fall apart often.

-Yeah, they go like matchsticks.

My dad turned one over once.

We used to live in a caravan... Well, we didn't live in a caravan,

we used to stay in a caravan when we went skiing in Scotland.

I would go with - we used to live in a caravan.

Some people love that, though, don't they? They love camping.

I bloody hate camping.

I like walls and a bed.

-Yeah.

-I'm kind of similar.

The whole tent thing...

I love camping! I'd camp in anything.

Snow holes, igloos...

I want where I'm going on holiday to be better than my house.

You should see the shithole he lives in, though.

Now, you don't really like this type of thing do you, Fiona?

-These type of clips?

-I don't know where I'd find time in the day.

In the front, they're agreeing with me. We're busy, aren't we?

We're too busy to be sitting down in the middle of the day,

watching people...

Too busy to look up alternative health therapies?

That's for my health!

Now, Fiona, in the online world,

there's a lot of very weird and wonderful stuff out there.

We found this.

-This is the...

-What on earth is that?

-What is that?!

-This is the Fiona Phillips premium cushion.

Who on earth would want that?

-Honestly.

-Well, there are people out there.

-I wonder, I wonder who.

No! That's horrible!

I can sit on my sofa and pretend to be Eamonn Holmes.

It's quite nice.

-I think if you want to have one there, Graham.

-Gosh.

-Is that weird for you?

-Isn't that odd? Can't imagine who would want it.

I could take it home and put it in the middle of our bed

and pretend we're having a threesome.

How odd!

My wife's going to kill me after this.

And it seems to be wipe clean.

It's a bit worrying.

Oh, it's plastic as well! It's horrible!

-Actually it is.

-I didn't realise that.

I'll be taking this home tonight.

OK, we'll pop these...

There we go, lovely.

We'll just get these out of the way. There we go.

There we go. Lovely.

Now, Graham, I also noticed recently,

you were in the market for one of these.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hot tub!

When did you first have a love of hot tubs?

Skiing. It's apres-ski, isn't it?

So, you spend the whole day skiing hard on the piste,

and you either come back and have a sauna if you're in Austria,

or if you're in America, you go and sit in a hot tub.

-And drink beer.

-Cos the sauna thing when you go skiing, for me,

it's a bit weird, isn't it?

-It's all naked.

-Yes!

It's just these Austrians just...

-We're getting back to the ball thing again!

-Yeah. It feels all a bit...

You need the stressticles. The two of you look as though...

What happens is, you go into the sauna and you know your balls have

to be exactly one degree less than body temperature?

That's why when you get really cold,

they shoot up and when you get really warm they dangle down.

-It's true.

-That's why they are outside your body.

You just say that as if everybody here should know.

So, then your testicles have to remain at one degree less than body

-temperature.

-That's why they are outside your body.

They go down your gubernaculum.

That's why they're called knackers.

It's true!

-Your gubernaculum?

-It's a gubernaculum.

Is that a ski lift?

How do you two know so much about testicles?

This show is a load of old bollocks, isn't it?

You've only just worked this out?

OK, ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer,

unless, of course, you're online, which is a relief for our guests,

as it is time to check out their internet searches.

Let's have a look at yours, Francesca.

"Where can I buy a Nokia 2310."

Manchester map, Wakefield map, Edinburgh map.

It's almost as if the Nokia 2310 doesn't have maps,

Francesca, isn't it?

OK, this is going to sound really weird, but I don't have an iPhone.

I'm obsessed with Nokia 2310,

because the battery lasts for a week!

That's cos you can't do anything on it.

-Also, no-one will steal it.

-Here it is.

Well, that's my plan! No-one will ever take that phone.

I left it on the tube once and it was there a week later.

I'd love one. I'm sick of the iPhone.

Do you remember playing Snake? Can you play Snake on it?

Do I remember it? I have it!

-I've had mine for six years.

-Yeah.

-Six years.

And I'm so worried that they're going to go out of circulation,

that I stockpile them from eBay.

That's brilliant.

We noticed that you bought ten.

I bought ten off a guy in Germany.

And I was so happy when I found them.

I was like, "Oh, my God, this is a great day!"

Are you sure you're not running a drugs cartel?

I actually think that this could work for you.

I think as a drugs mule.

-It would because...

-No-one's going to suspect me, are they?

Well, this is the thing. When you go through the airport,

do you get searched? Would you get searched, do you think, if you had...?

If I have that... I'm thinking about having that up my arse,

but that's not how it works.

The drugs go up your arse.

Yes, the drugs go up the arse, the phone stays in the bag.

Got a bit confused there.

The worst drug mule in the world.

OK. Let's have a little look at some of your other searchers.

"Is it normal to fart after eating cabbage?"

"How far do you carry the Olympic torch?"

"Who is Bear Grylls?"

"How close are we to achieving eternal life?"

"Is 'Michael Jackson died' slang for good luck?"

Now, did you Google this before or after eating the cabbage?

It was after and I was a bit windy...

Well, I was very, very windy and I got a bit worried.

-Aw...

-But that is normal, so, it's OK, guys.

The thing about farting and cabbage

is that the smell of the fart is just marginally worse

than the smell of the cabbage.

Here's the thing, so would you fart in front of your partner?

-No!

-Really?

But she farts like a trooper... No, she doesn't.

-No.

-But how does that happen?

How do you live with someone for ten years and not fart in front of them?

I don't know, I've only lived with her for five.

"Is 'Michael Jackson died' a slang for good luck?"

OK, a few years ago, I had a sitcom project

and I got to pitch it to HBO, in LA, where you live.

And just before the pitch, I'm sitting there and I get a text -

on my Nokia phone -

and it's from one of my friends, she said,

"I really hope your meeting goes well. Michael Jackson's just died."

And I thought, "Is this slang for break a leg?"

Oh, my God.

OK, now, my lovely guests aren't the only ones who have been looking at

some weird and wonderful things online.

Before the show, we asked the studio audience

what they've been looking at online.

We have some of them here. Where is Andrew McCarroll?

Andrew McCarroll. Give Andrew a round of applause.

OK, Andrew, what have you been looking at online?

I've been looking at exotic wakes.

You know the way a wake is a celebration of someone's life

and it's usually quite a sober affair.

But looking online, you'll see something very different.

So, a wake is, obviously, something that we have here in Ireland

where we lay the corpse out, people come to the house,

they pretend they are sorry the first night,

and get drunk the second night.

-That's basically it.

-Yeah, basically.

So, what is an exotic wake?

It's like a scene from the person's life.

Remember, the person is dead and they're set up in this position,

as if they were still alive.

OK, let's have a look at some of this.

These are real wakes.

Now, is the theme of the wake the cause of death?

How does this work?

I think just how they want is to be remembered.

How they want to be remembered?

I think we've got a couple more of these, real wakes.

-Oh, my gosh.

-Wow.

-That is spooky.

Yeah. Isn't it?

Let's have a look at another one here.

-Whoa!

-Who's dead? Which one's dead?

It's the guy in the glasses who's dead, is that right?

Yeah, he looks like a gangsta rapper, doesn't he?

-It's bit creepy.

-It is a bit creepy.

There he is, playing a game of poker there.

They couldn't find a heart, but they are looking for spades.

What do you do for a living?

Grave maintenance and renovation in cemeteries across Northern Ireland.

Give him a round of applause. There he is.

OK, that is all we have time for tonight.

You have been great sports, guys.

There you go, there is your devices back.

-Fiona.

-Thank you.

-Francesca.

-Thank you.

-And to Graham.

-Thank you.

A big thank you, let's hear it one more time for my guests,

for Fiona Phillips, for Francesca Martinez and Graham Bell!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We will see you next time on Delete Delete Delete.

Goodnight!