Episode 5 Delete, Delete, Delete


Episode 5

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening.

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Easy now. Hello, and welcome to Delete Delete Delete,

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the show where my guests allow me to hack their computers,

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download the juicy stuff and then share it for your entertainment.

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Yes, folks, it's exactly like WikiLeaks,

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except I don't have to blow up my bed or my girlfriend every night

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in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

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LAUGHTER

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We have three fantastic guests for you tonight. Shall we get them out?

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-ALL:

-Yes!

-Yes!

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First up, a man who has a lot in common with me.

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He became a star in his early 20s

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and his career has been going downhill ever since,

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mainly because we both love the big weekend on the piste.

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Please welcome British Winter Olympian turned

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Ski Sunday legend, Graham Bell.

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My life is on here.

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Next up, a comedian whose mum is an author,

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her dad is a playwright and her brother is an artist.

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So, if she's looking for a highbrow, intellectual conversation,

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I am just the man...

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to direct her to a different studio.

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But we are delighted she's here.

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Please welcome the fabulous Francesca Martinez.

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Thank you.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hey!

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-How you doing?

-I'm good, how are you?

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-Oh!

-Come this way.

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Lovely.

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Like a relay run.

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Thank you.

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And finally, a woman who spent years sharing the GMTV sofa

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with none other than Eamonn Holmes,

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so if anyone can pretend to be enjoying herself whilst an Irish man

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talks out of his arse... LAUGHTER

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..it's the lovely Fiona Phillips.

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-Hey, gorgeous. You well?

-Good. Good to see you.

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Ah! Welcome to the show.

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-Thank you.

-Good to be here.

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Of course, Fiona, you will fit in very well here in Belfast,

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because, online, one of the first things we found out,

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you've quite an Irish nickname as a child.

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Oh, Mrs Guinness. How do you know that?

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We know everything.

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Well, my grandad owned a pub, fortunately,

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and we used to go in there just as a family

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and it was back in the '60s, so the locals were in the front bar,

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it was lino on the floor,

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Guinness on tap and my mum just used the pour me half pints of Guinness.

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-I was three.

-LAUGHTER

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-Wow.

-I have to say, Fiona, even in Ireland that is getting hats off.

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There's alcoholics in the front row that are going...

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"Strong game. That's a very strong game."

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I love Belfast and Ireland because everyone's a bit wobbly here.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, of course, Graham,

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we're not huge on winter sport here in Belfast,

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although we are a fan of a ski mask even in the summer.

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That's what I've heard. I've actually skied in Belfast.

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-I used to come over when I was a kid.

-What?

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I used to come over on the boat from Scotland,

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cos I grew up in Edinburgh, and we had this international race

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and we skied at the dry slope in Craigavon.

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WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Yes.

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I'm actually glad you said the dry slope.

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I actually thought that this was kind of a bit of snow on Cave Hill

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and the bobsleigh was just joyriders on an upturned bonnet.

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Now, Francesca, the first thing that caught our eye on your computer,

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I hope you don't mind, but we had a little look at your e-mails.

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-OK.

-And there is a work e-mail here.

-Yeah.

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Because you have done a lot of acting - Grange Hill,

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Extras with Ricky Gervais.

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Would you say you're fussy when it comes to the roles that you accept?

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Well, I think being a comedian makes you a bit fussy cos we write all

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our own stuff, so I think when we get offered parts,

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we can be quite critical.

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So, maybe I am a little bit fussy.

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Well.

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Well, um, yeah, the e-mail's going to shed more light on that.

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Yes, I think it is.

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The role is Claire, that you turned down.

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The role of Claire, a girl in a coma.

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-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

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Your e-mail, Francesca, is...how can I put it, polite but firm.

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She continues.

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So, who got the role? Was it the shoe or the carrot?

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Well, my first issue with it was

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offering a wobbly girl the part of a girl who can't move.

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Problematic.

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-Yes.

-And also I just thought why not cast an object instead.

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OK, Fiona, you're very chilled out.

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-Am I?

-I think you are.

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We've worked together a few times and nothing really fazes you.

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Maybe, I do put my foot in it a lot, verbally.

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-Quite often.

-In what way?

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Just I say... As my husband's advice to me before coming here was -

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think before you open your mouth.

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We think we found the secret to your relaxed persona.

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You've been checking out these online.

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What do you want to say about these, Fiona?

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I have got brothers, I've got sons,

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I'm constantly surrounded by testicles.

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And all the things that go with it -

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man-sized tissues up in the bedrooms.

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-LAUGHTER

-I've got teenage boys.

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So, hang on, when you're the mum and you've got teenage boys,

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do you leave the tissues there.

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Yes, in case they get a cold.

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That didn't happen when I was growing up in Dundrum.

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You could barely get the door locked in the bathroom to get a sneaky peek

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at the Kays catalogue. LAUGHTER

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Now, did you actually buy these?

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No, I didn't buy them, I just thought that they were amusing.

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Well, you don't need to buy them because we've actually...

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..bought some for you. There you go.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Oh, gosh, it's got a thing inside them.

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No, they actually have little rubber...

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Now, I had a mate who just had a ball taken out

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because he had testicular cancer, but they put an implant in.

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So, they replaced it with a kind of fake ball

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and I was saying he should get one that lights up.

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You know like those toys?

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You hit it and it will kind of flash.

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LAUGHTER

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How do they feel?

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-They feel like...

-They feel like a young person's.

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-And slightly round.

-They're not as flaccid as what I've been used to.

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So, you're used to the lower hanging fruit, is that it?

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I don't think your husband's...

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I wasn't talking about my husband, it's before my husband.

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-They're quite disturbing.

-They really are.

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-They are quite disturbing.

-Yeah! I don't...

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They're actually not relaxing at all, are they? They're...

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Well, you say that because we've actually...

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If you notice we have three of these, we did actually have four.

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But I had mine in rehearsals

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-and I was just trying to de-stress.

-Yeah.

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Did you break the testicle?

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Have a look at this.

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I should try not to ruin the set.

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Slightly more realistic than we first thought!

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Fiona, now you're also quite a fan of sites like this.

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-Alternative health.

-Yes.

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I haven't had a GP since I was a child until very recently.

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-You've just got Guinness.

-Yeah!

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Just cos Guinness, obviously, did the trick!

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Guinness is good for you.

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It's better than having antibiotics.

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-It is, unless you've got a killer infection.

-Yeah.

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And also, I'm older than you are

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and there are things that happen to women around that age.

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-Yes.

-Yeah. It's not very nice.

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I love that this has turned into

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a very Les Dawson-type chat now, hasn't it?

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You're essentially talking about the menopause, is that right?

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I am, I am! Yeah.

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I could put a little garden fence here and say...

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HE MUMBLES AND MOUTHS SILENTLY

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Do you guys self-diagnose?

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No, because you Google something like a sore ear

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and then you think you've got one hour to live.

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It's too scary, isn't it?

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Like, you can scare yourself so much.

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I think you can. I mean...

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-Yeah.

-Maybe not for illnesses, but for injuries.

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If I've got an injury, then I'm like,

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"Oh, how long is that going to take to heal?

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"I've broken my ribs. Do I need to go and see a doctor?

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"No, I probably don't." I mean, I did hear once,

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a doctor just keeps the patients amused while they heal themselves.

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That's the job of the doctor.

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Sounds like a really shit doctor.

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We've also had a little look online

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and we found some other alternative therapies.

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Now, as our resident expert, Fiona,

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you should be able to tell us what is real and what is fake.

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What do we think? Beer spa.

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Yeah. They are using red wine in beauty salons now,

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for skin treatments and stuff, so I reckon the beer spa could be real.

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-What do you think, Francesca?

-What do you mean?

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Do you mean you bathe in beer or do you mean you just drink beer?

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Cos that's just a pub.

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It does look like a pub.

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In Belfast, we normally throw it around ourselves.

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At a certain time of the evening.

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What do we think, Graham?

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Bathing in beer, I think it's real, I'm going to go real.

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-OK.

-Fake.

-Fake?

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-Yeah.

-Francesca says fake.

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Beer spa therapy is real.

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Yeah, 'course it is.

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-There it is.

-Really?

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What a weekend that is with the missus(!)

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Next one, Fiona, what do we think of this?

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Mmm.

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Are you massaging the snake

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or is the snake massaging you?

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That is the question!

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-Let me think.

-Maybe if it was doing its stuff all over your back in a

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thrusting, hard, pummelling way, it might work.

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If you put a snake on my back, I would not be relaxed.

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We don't have any snakes in Ireland cos...

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LAUGHTER

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Whenever I was a kid I was told,

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"What did St Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving

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"them out of Ireland?

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"Would you put your belts on there in the back?"

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-What do we think? You think this is real or what?

-Yeah.

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-I think it's real.

-Yeah?

-No.

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I'm going with real.

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This is...

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real.

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-Oh, look at that.

-It originated in Bali.

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During the therapy, a number of snakes get on your back,

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of varying lengths and sizes.

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Non-venomous snakes are used to treat deep-tissue pains.

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Smaller snakes are used for light massaging of more tender areas.

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-Mmm.

-GRAHAM SCOFFS

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Finally, this one.

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Urine therapy. Have you heard of this?

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It's really antiseptic, urine, apparently.

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It is an antiseptic when it first comes out, it's antiseptic.

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-It heals things.

-Is that why people pee on each other for jellyfish

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stings?

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Or maybe your mates just hate you.

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Is this where you drink it?

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It looks like a potent brew, that one as well, doesn't it?

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-That is pretty potent.

-That's horrible urine!

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That one looks like a Sunday morning

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after 12 pints of Guinness.

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So, here's one I prepared earlier.

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-Is that really apple juice?

-No!

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-Go on, pass it here.

-Are you sure?

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-There you go.

-Taste some.

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-I'm not going to taste it.

-Taste it!

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-OK. There you go.

-No.

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-It is a nice? No.

-What do you think?

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You're more than welcome to have a sip of my pee!

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-What do you reckon?

-Go on! Go on, Mr apple juice!

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Have a sip!

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Go on, Mr apple juice, let's have you!

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-I think that's real.

-Oh, my God, really?

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It's got no scent whatsoever.

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-I know, aren't I fabulous?!

-Aren't you clean!

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That's amazing.

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-Go on, I'll have it, I'll have a taste.

-Oh, no!

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Shall I have a taste? Yes?

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WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

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-I'm going to do it as well now.

-Oh, my...

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And that is the moment that Graham Bell realised

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that that is not apple juice.

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You are a very healthy man, because that tasted very good.

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It didn't taste bad.

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Well, look, I'll send you a bottle for Christmas.

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You could sell it on the internet.

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Time now to have a little look at some of the viral videos

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that you've been checking out online.

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Graham, first up, this is yours.

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It's a belter.

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-ON VIDEO:

-'This evening, what I'm going to do is I'm going to...

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'See this lamppost here? I'm going to try and jump over it.

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'Whoa!

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'You OK? Do you know where you are?

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'I just can't breathe that well.'

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The lights are on, but no-one is home.

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-What is this?

-See, that is a mate of mine, a snowboarder.

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And he does viral videos and that one, the lamp hugger,

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actually went quite big.

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What's the difference between a skier and a snowboarder?

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Because it seems to me that they're not fair bedfellows, are they?

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Well, no, they used to be. There used to be a kind of culture clash there.

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They had to kind of hate each other.

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But they don't any more. And I snowboard.

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I get on well with Ed Leigh, who I co-present Ski Sunday with,

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and also, skiers are kind of doing the things that snowboarders used

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to do as well. So, they are equally as mad.

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How much of your own piss do you need to drink

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before attempting that?

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Francesca, this is one of your clips that you have watched quite a bit.

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-ON VIDEO:

-'I need to get my car out.

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-'Caravan comes off...

-How did that even happen?

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'It'll come under fall pipe, go on.

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'Are you ready, then?

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'Go on, give it some.'

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I love the mates are just standing there

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and you can hear them laughing.

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They are so feckless.

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So this is someone trying to go on holiday, is it?

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I don't know...

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Well, I didn't need that information to enjoy the clip.

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-It came apart really easily, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-It didn't take much

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-to pull the bottom out.

-That's why you should never sit in a caravan

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when it's being towed on the motorway. Or anywhere.

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-Cos they fall apart often.

-Yeah, they go like matchsticks.

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My dad turned one over once.

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We used to live in a caravan... Well, we didn't live in a caravan,

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we used to stay in a caravan when we went skiing in Scotland.

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I would go with - we used to live in a caravan.

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Some people love that, though, don't they? They love camping.

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I bloody hate camping.

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I like walls and a bed.

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-Yeah.

-I'm kind of similar.

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The whole tent thing...

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I love camping! I'd camp in anything.

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Snow holes, igloos...

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I want where I'm going on holiday to be better than my house.

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You should see the shithole he lives in, though.

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Now, you don't really like this type of thing do you, Fiona?

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-These type of clips?

-I don't know where I'd find time in the day.

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In the front, they're agreeing with me. We're busy, aren't we?

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We're too busy to be sitting down in the middle of the day,

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watching people...

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Too busy to look up alternative health therapies?

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That's for my health!

0:18:530:18:55

Now, Fiona, in the online world,

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there's a lot of very weird and wonderful stuff out there.

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We found this.

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-This is the...

-What on earth is that?

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-What is that?!

-This is the Fiona Phillips premium cushion.

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Who on earth would want that?

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-Honestly.

-Well, there are people out there.

-I wonder, I wonder who.

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No! That's horrible!

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I can sit on my sofa and pretend to be Eamonn Holmes.

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It's quite nice.

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-I think if you want to have one there, Graham.

-Gosh.

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-Is that weird for you?

-Isn't that odd? Can't imagine who would want it.

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I could take it home and put it in the middle of our bed

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and pretend we're having a threesome.

0:19:410:19:44

How odd!

0:19:490:19:50

My wife's going to kill me after this.

0:19:520:19:55

And it seems to be wipe clean.

0:19:550:19:58

It's a bit worrying.

0:19:580:20:00

Oh, it's plastic as well! It's horrible!

0:20:020:20:05

-Actually it is.

-I didn't realise that.

0:20:060:20:09

I'll be taking this home tonight.

0:20:090:20:12

OK, we'll pop these...

0:20:190:20:21

There we go, lovely.

0:20:210:20:23

We'll just get these out of the way. There we go.

0:20:230:20:26

There we go. Lovely.

0:20:280:20:31

Now, Graham, I also noticed recently,

0:20:310:20:34

you were in the market for one of these.

0:20:340:20:37

-Oh, yeah.

-Hot tub!

0:20:370:20:39

When did you first have a love of hot tubs?

0:20:390:20:40

Skiing. It's apres-ski, isn't it?

0:20:400:20:42

So, you spend the whole day skiing hard on the piste,

0:20:420:20:46

and you either come back and have a sauna if you're in Austria,

0:20:460:20:48

or if you're in America, you go and sit in a hot tub.

0:20:480:20:51

-And drink beer.

-Cos the sauna thing when you go skiing, for me,

0:20:510:20:54

it's a bit weird, isn't it?

0:20:540:20:55

-It's all naked.

-Yes!

0:20:550:20:57

It's just these Austrians just...

0:20:570:20:59

-We're getting back to the ball thing again!

-Yeah. It feels all a bit...

0:21:000:21:04

You need the stressticles. The two of you look as though...

0:21:040:21:07

What happens is, you go into the sauna and you know your balls have

0:21:070:21:10

to be exactly one degree less than body temperature?

0:21:100:21:14

That's why when you get really cold,

0:21:140:21:15

they shoot up and when you get really warm they dangle down.

0:21:150:21:19

-It's true.

-That's why they are outside your body.

0:21:230:21:24

You just say that as if everybody here should know.

0:21:240:21:28

So, then your testicles have to remain at one degree less than body

0:21:300:21:34

-temperature.

-That's why they are outside your body.

0:21:340:21:36

They go down your gubernaculum.

0:21:360:21:38

That's why they're called knackers.

0:21:380:21:40

It's true!

0:21:400:21:41

-Your gubernaculum?

-It's a gubernaculum.

0:21:410:21:43

Is that a ski lift?

0:21:430:21:45

How do you two know so much about testicles?

0:21:470:21:51

This show is a load of old bollocks, isn't it?

0:21:530:21:56

You've only just worked this out?

0:21:580:22:00

OK, ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer,

0:22:020:22:05

unless, of course, you're online, which is a relief for our guests,

0:22:050:22:09

as it is time to check out their internet searches.

0:22:090:22:12

Let's have a look at yours, Francesca.

0:22:120:22:14

"Where can I buy a Nokia 2310."

0:22:140:22:18

Manchester map, Wakefield map, Edinburgh map.

0:22:180:22:21

It's almost as if the Nokia 2310 doesn't have maps,

0:22:220:22:24

Francesca, isn't it?

0:22:240:22:26

OK, this is going to sound really weird, but I don't have an iPhone.

0:22:270:22:32

I'm obsessed with Nokia 2310,

0:22:320:22:36

because the battery lasts for a week!

0:22:360:22:39

That's cos you can't do anything on it.

0:22:390:22:42

-Also, no-one will steal it.

-Here it is.

0:22:430:22:45

Well, that's my plan! No-one will ever take that phone.

0:22:450:22:50

I left it on the tube once and it was there a week later.

0:22:500:22:53

I'd love one. I'm sick of the iPhone.

0:22:580:23:00

Do you remember playing Snake? Can you play Snake on it?

0:23:000:23:02

Do I remember it? I have it!

0:23:020:23:06

-I've had mine for six years.

-Yeah.

-Six years.

0:23:100:23:13

And I'm so worried that they're going to go out of circulation,

0:23:130:23:18

that I stockpile them from eBay.

0:23:180:23:21

That's brilliant.

0:23:220:23:24

We noticed that you bought ten.

0:23:240:23:27

I bought ten off a guy in Germany.

0:23:280:23:31

And I was so happy when I found them.

0:23:310:23:34

I was like, "Oh, my God, this is a great day!"

0:23:340:23:38

Are you sure you're not running a drugs cartel?

0:23:380:23:41

I actually think that this could work for you.

0:23:420:23:44

I think as a drugs mule.

0:23:440:23:46

-It would because...

-No-one's going to suspect me, are they?

0:23:460:23:50

Well, this is the thing. When you go through the airport,

0:23:500:23:52

do you get searched? Would you get searched, do you think, if you had...?

0:23:520:23:55

If I have that... I'm thinking about having that up my arse,

0:23:550:23:59

but that's not how it works.

0:23:590:24:02

The drugs go up your arse.

0:24:020:24:04

Yes, the drugs go up the arse, the phone stays in the bag.

0:24:040:24:07

Got a bit confused there.

0:24:090:24:11

The worst drug mule in the world.

0:24:110:24:13

OK. Let's have a little look at some of your other searchers.

0:24:140:24:18

"Is it normal to fart after eating cabbage?"

0:24:180:24:23

"How far do you carry the Olympic torch?"

0:24:230:24:24

"Who is Bear Grylls?"

0:24:240:24:26

"How close are we to achieving eternal life?"

0:24:260:24:28

"Is 'Michael Jackson died' slang for good luck?"

0:24:280:24:33

Now, did you Google this before or after eating the cabbage?

0:24:330:24:36

It was after and I was a bit windy...

0:24:370:24:40

Well, I was very, very windy and I got a bit worried.

0:24:400:24:44

-Aw...

-But that is normal, so, it's OK, guys.

0:24:440:24:49

The thing about farting and cabbage

0:24:490:24:51

is that the smell of the fart is just marginally worse

0:24:510:24:55

than the smell of the cabbage.

0:24:550:24:56

Here's the thing, so would you fart in front of your partner?

0:24:580:25:02

-No!

-Really?

0:25:020:25:04

But she farts like a trooper... No, she doesn't.

0:25:040:25:08

-No.

-But how does that happen?

0:25:080:25:10

How do you live with someone for ten years and not fart in front of them?

0:25:100:25:15

I don't know, I've only lived with her for five.

0:25:150:25:17

"Is 'Michael Jackson died' a slang for good luck?"

0:25:190:25:23

OK, a few years ago, I had a sitcom project

0:25:230:25:28

and I got to pitch it to HBO, in LA, where you live.

0:25:280:25:33

And just before the pitch, I'm sitting there and I get a text -

0:25:330:25:37

on my Nokia phone -

0:25:370:25:40

and it's from one of my friends, she said,

0:25:400:25:43

"I really hope your meeting goes well. Michael Jackson's just died."

0:25:430:25:49

And I thought, "Is this slang for break a leg?"

0:25:490:25:54

Oh, my God.

0:25:580:25:59

OK, now, my lovely guests aren't the only ones who have been looking at

0:26:060:26:09

some weird and wonderful things online.

0:26:090:26:11

Before the show, we asked the studio audience

0:26:110:26:13

what they've been looking at online.

0:26:130:26:15

We have some of them here. Where is Andrew McCarroll?

0:26:150:26:19

Andrew McCarroll. Give Andrew a round of applause.

0:26:190:26:22

OK, Andrew, what have you been looking at online?

0:26:260:26:28

I've been looking at exotic wakes.

0:26:280:26:31

You know the way a wake is a celebration of someone's life

0:26:310:26:34

and it's usually quite a sober affair.

0:26:340:26:36

But looking online, you'll see something very different.

0:26:360:26:39

So, a wake is, obviously, something that we have here in Ireland

0:26:390:26:43

where we lay the corpse out, people come to the house,

0:26:430:26:47

they pretend they are sorry the first night,

0:26:470:26:49

and get drunk the second night.

0:26:490:26:52

-That's basically it.

-Yeah, basically.

0:26:520:26:54

So, what is an exotic wake?

0:26:540:26:56

It's like a scene from the person's life.

0:26:560:26:59

Remember, the person is dead and they're set up in this position,

0:26:590:27:02

as if they were still alive.

0:27:020:27:04

OK, let's have a look at some of this.

0:27:040:27:07

These are real wakes.

0:27:070:27:08

Now, is the theme of the wake the cause of death?

0:27:120:27:15

How does this work?

0:27:170:27:18

I think just how they want is to be remembered.

0:27:180:27:20

How they want to be remembered?

0:27:200:27:21

I think we've got a couple more of these, real wakes.

0:27:210:27:24

-Oh, my gosh.

-Wow.

-That is spooky.

0:27:260:27:29

Yeah. Isn't it?

0:27:290:27:31

Let's have a look at another one here.

0:27:310:27:34

-Whoa!

-Who's dead? Which one's dead?

0:27:340:27:36

It's the guy in the glasses who's dead, is that right?

0:27:380:27:41

Yeah, he looks like a gangsta rapper, doesn't he?

0:27:410:27:43

-It's bit creepy.

-It is a bit creepy.

0:27:430:27:45

There he is, playing a game of poker there.

0:27:450:27:48

They couldn't find a heart, but they are looking for spades.

0:27:480:27:51

What do you do for a living?

0:27:590:28:00

Grave maintenance and renovation in cemeteries across Northern Ireland.

0:28:000:28:04

Give him a round of applause. There he is.

0:28:090:28:11

OK, that is all we have time for tonight.

0:28:160:28:19

You have been great sports, guys.

0:28:190:28:21

There you go, there is your devices back.

0:28:210:28:22

-Fiona.

-Thank you.

0:28:220:28:24

-Francesca.

-Thank you.

0:28:240:28:26

-And to Graham.

-Thank you.

0:28:260:28:28

A big thank you, let's hear it one more time for my guests,

0:28:280:28:31

for Fiona Phillips, for Francesca Martinez and Graham Bell!

0:28:310:28:34

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:340:28:37

We will see you next time on Delete Delete Delete.

0:28:370:28:40

Goodnight!

0:28:400:28:41

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