Episode 1 Election Spy

This programme contains strong language.

Corbyn, OK, let us not bottle that now. We put him at the heart of

everything we do. You stay on message. It is strong and stable.

Use a stable and strong one more time and you will be doing the

late-night phone in on radio Stoke. You asked me to get you a glum

bucket. It is the Daily Mail that is calling her that. What is happening,

have the ravens left the tower? She is a massive asset to the campaign.

I also googled low hard but you do not want to see the results. I

deleted the Google history. What is happening today? Theresa May up in

the Midlands, glum bucket heartlands. The SNP are launching

their manifesto. No need to worry about that after what they did to

education in Scotland. Jamie was so great last night, he is becoming

like a proper political heavyweight. What is he doing today? The One Show

and mums net. He was fantastic in rehearsals for the One Show. He's

really going to loosen up and show his human side. If they ask about

his favourite book he will talk about Madame Bovary hooked up there

goes the Sunderland. And if they ask which one puts out the beans he is

going to say that it is gender fluid. There goes the Lord's Prayer.

We gave him some great jokes if they ask about his interest in manhole

covers. It is woman's hour,. What can go wrong. Just because Paul said

he was going to bring in internment there is no need to draw up lists

outside the local primary school. These masks are going to be great at

rallies. He was great on Andrew Neil. How many did you order? 1000

or so. Are we going to be allowed to wear them, we did say that we should

ban face coverings. We said balaclavas. What about the SARS or

executioners? I know. Mountaineers. Sadomasochists. That will not be a

big issue. It will in my local party.

I always do my clippings on the day, old habit. Nothing about the Lib

Dems in the tabloids. Nothing at all? And nothing in the qualities.

Oh, hang on. The Telegraph. Have you got some nail scissors? Tim Farron

will be on the streets in Bermondsey. That is it? In the

entire British press? It makes sense I suppose, not all being interviewed

by Andrew Neil and Tim is on an artist or bread-making course. It is

part of being a liberal, being ignored. We're not attention

seekers. It is not attention seeking, it is an election campaign.

Sometimes I just think that we're here to make up numbers. No, that is

Jeremy Corbyn. Obviously you pay tribute to the great people of

Manchester. They have a history of supporting the security services.

Remember to say that this is no time for political point scoring. What

happened this coffee? Was that sexist? Toby, what is this hashtag,

naked in the negotiating chamber? Slightly bad news from Thanet

Council. The former planning chairman has quit and defected to

the Tories. We can kiss goodbye to that Nigel Farage fountain. Jeremy

is going to give the One Show some home-made jam. Do you think the

public want a Prime Minister who is going to make jam in the middle of

the nuclear crisis? Ask him about childcare! The figures are written

on his hand now. That is a lovely baby photo.