Episode 2 Election Spy

This is exciting. There is a rumour that we might throw in Jeremy for

tonight's BBC debate. Really? Why not? I thought he did quite well on

The One Show. Well, it was a long hour. It was half an hour... Was

it...? Jesus...! To be honest, he was pretty dull. No, he wasn't. He

was upstaged by an item about a heap of stones, and what about that

creepy wink, like a dodgy uncle. People are warming to him, you can

feel it. The only thing I was concerned about was towards the end,

when he began talking about fascism in the 1930s, I think some people

may have found that distancing. Don't worry, they would have been

asleep by then. Jeremy is doing it! Of course he is. Stop panicking,

it's only one poll! Tell them to stop using "strong and stable" if

people start giggling. We put conservative on everything, dump

Theresa May, everybody has hundreds of those placards, I don't care what

you do with those May placards, don't recycle them, we don't want

photos of bin bags with Theresa May's head sticking out of them.

Steady and steady, fixed and firm... Too close. Not weak, not wobbly,

Fast and Furious? That is just an advert on my phone! Will construct

and substantial... . What idiot is sending these? Timothy's office. You

should have said, he is out. Take them out, out there, not in my

office. I never liked her. Are we actually in the papers today... All?

Yes. Tim Farron will be campaigning in London. Go on. That's it. Tim

Farron will be campaigning in London. Do you know what, I think

this could just clinch as the election. And, there's this. Ten

square inches, what does it say about Tim Farron question might

know, it is about Nick Clegg. The walking dead, still bigger news than

Tim Farron, the one thing keeping me going is we are not quite as bad as

the Green Party! No, there is a lot of pictures of them, Caroline Lucas

has delivered a giant green question mark to Downing Street. Tim should

be going around with a big yellow piece of punctuation, a big yellow

exclamation mark, doesn't matter what it means, as long as it gets us

in the bloody news! New posters been getting some coverage. Unveiled by

Nick Clegg. My God! Could I have that back, I'm keeping a folder... .

Cheers. You're the BBC, you're running the debate, I expect some

answers. Have you got a pen, ready, great, the new slogan, Ukip are the

guard dogs of "Brexit". It's... Well... Any sort of God dog. Yes, I

know that Alsatians are German... Clive...! That is BBC bias. How are

they supposed to remember the name of all of the participants, name

badges, they all wear name badges on the programmes that I watch. And

Dobermans, yes, and Rottweilers, I think you are getting bogged down in

the details! He didn't think a name as Natalie...! No, you don't need to

do a post, it's just a metaphor, that is not a breed of dog! If that

is your attitude, I'm not surprised that you lost Bake Off! We need to

issue one of the wee distancing ourselves from anti-Semitism because

of the troubling thing... On women's hour. Is it the ten second

statement, or is it the 22nd statement. Have we got a 32nd one?

Yes, several of those. -- second. -- 30 second. I've got something to

show you. What you think? My nephew made it. But we hate immigrants! We

advocate controlled immigration. -- but we do not hate immigrants! One

in, one out, that is what we advocate. Actually, one in, one out

works very well at my local multistorey car park, and at some of

those parties I have been to. Sorry... Is that a good idea? What

with those toddlers you are taking. And experts told me not to, so of

course I mustn't, if we listened to all of that, James, we would still

be in the EU! God, Jeremy Corbyn is a conniving, sneaky little...

Conniving... Bit long to fit on a poster!